Chapter Four
Totleigh Towers
They were driving at a quick pace down the empty road towards Totleigh Towers. Bertie Wooster was filling Edmund Blackadder in on the eccentricities he would soon encounter at Totleigh. "I tell you, Blackie, you'll never find a bigger bunch of complete lunatics. You should have seen what they did to me the last time I was here! And it wasn't even my fault! I mean how can you blame me for Tuppy's ingenious device flooding the place with sewer water?"
"So, I am to understand it is someone's birthday?" Blackadder asked, eager to change the subject.
"Yes, Sir Roderick 'I like to yell, so everybody better come listen to me' Spode," Bertie explained, "The angriest, most cruel man I've ever met. He's always hated me, that Spode. Why he would want to invite me to his birthday party, I have no idea."
"Perhaps he's trying to mend fences, sir," Blackadder said.
"You know, that's just what Jeeves said. Now, look here. You're not going to go about telling me what to do and how to dress, now. Is that clear?" Bertie said, defensively.
"I wouldn't dream of it, sir. I have no desire to emulate Reginald Jeeves," Blackadder said, "From what I've heard of him, he's the most pompous, arrogant Englishman since King George said 'Oh, just let the Americans have their petty, little army! They'd never think of revolting against me!"
"Ah, good. Now, back to the inhabitants of Totleigh," said Bertie, more calmly, "There's Miss Madeline Bassett. She's a bit of a thicky, if you ask me. Always talking about flowers and clouds and other such nonsense. She also suffers from the delusion that yours truly is in love with her. Poor girl! She would have been well matched with Gussie. But now she's engaged to this Frenchman, Kevin Darling."
"Gussie, sir?" Blackadder questioned.
"Gussie Finknottle. He's a good friend of mine, but unfortunately a bit of a nutter. He's completely mad about newts. You know, those slimy little amphibians?"
"Yes, sir. I'm quite familiar with the animal. In fact, some of Baldrick's best friends are newts."
"Yes, well Gussie was engaged to Madeline, but then they broke it off. For a while she was engaged to Spode, but Tuppy ruined that with his 'Plumbo-Jumbo' contraption. Oh, and I can't forget about my dear Aunt Agatha. She's always making incredible demands on me. Always coming up with some task that I must do for her in order to keep her happy. And usually I end up in hot water because of her. Of course I love her dearly, but sometimes, well..."
"Sometimes you want to shove Gussie's newt tank up the old cow's backside? Sir?" Blackadder put in.
"Well..." Bertie tossed the idea around in his mind for a minute, "You could say that, I suppose." Bertie shot Blackadder a look that showed he had clearly questioned his choice in a new valet.
"Ah, here we are, sir!" Blackadder announced, "I'll unstrap Baldrick from the roof and catch up with you momentarily." Going around the car, Blackadder pulled some shears out of his pocket and snipped the ropes that were securing Baldrick to the roof of the car. With a loud 'thud,' Baldrick fell to the ground. "Get up, Baldrick! Now remember, don't speak unless I tell you to! Got it?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Blackadder," Baldrick replied. The pair walked past the car and caught up with Bertie Wooster as he moved up the steps to Totleigh Tower. The door to the mansion opened at once. There stood the beautiful Madeline Bassett, waiting to greet them.
"Bertie! You're here! I'm so glad you could come, Bertie!" she exclaimed from the door.
"What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie said as he came up to the door and entered the mansion, "Congrats on the engagement, old girl! I knew you'd find someone new! Of course, it couldn't be too hard to find someone better than that arse-head, Spode, now could it?"
At that moment, Sir Roderick Spode stepped into the room. His face was as red as beet, and it was clear to Blackadder that he was mustering all his strength to avoid throttling Bertie. "Hello, Wooster! Welcome. Try not to blow up the place now, will you?"
"Now see here, Spode! May I remind you that it was Tuppy who ruined your big day last time! And after all, you were the one who invited me here!" Bertie fumed.
Madeline said, "Please boys, don't argue! This is meant to be a happy occasion. Roderick's birthday and my engagement to Kevin."
"Yes, yes. Please forgive me, Wooster. Welcome to Totleigh. I do hope you enjoy your stay," Spode said. Bertie nodded, but he thought something wasn't right. Why was Spode so suddenly apologetic? What did he have up his sleeve? Why did he invite Bertie here in the first place? Bertie wished for a brief moment that Jeeves were here to help him sort it all out. Hopefully, Blackadder would be equally clever. Spode spoke up again, "Who is your new valet, Wooster? And what happened to Jeeves?"
"Jeeves and I had a professional disagreement," Bertie lied, "We have gone our separate ways. This is my new gentleman's gentleman, Edmund Blackadder."
"How do you do, sir?" said Blackadder, "I am most honored to be spending my weekend with such fine people."
"What is that horrid smell?" asked Madeline.
"That would be my servant, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "The smell comes from his trousers which haven't been changed since the late 1800s. Don't worry. Baldrick will not be permitted to roam the mansion. He'll stay in his room. I can get him a leash if necessary."
"No, no, don't be foolish! We'll get him a nice, clean set of clothes from the closet. Nothing but the best for our guests," said Spode.
"That's very kind of you, Mr. Spode," Baldrick said, "But I rather prefer my own trousers. It's kind of like moving into a new home. Once you've been in the same house all your life, you feel comfortable and you don't want to leave, do you? My trousers may be rather old, but they're the most comfortable place in the whole world! And they're the only place I'd ever want to keep my..." Baldrick stopped talking abruptly as Blackadder's hand smacked the back of his head.
"Um...yes," Spode said, "Ah, here comes Madeline's fiancŽe!" A tall, odd-looking man entered the room. He had a squinty sort of face that made it look like he had a sour lemon drop permanently attached to his tongue.
"Hello, Kevin!" said Madeline, "I want you to meet my friend Bertie Wooster. And this is his valet, Blackadder."
"Hello," said Darling to both of them.
"What-ho, Kevbo!" said Bertie.
"Hello...Darling," said Blackadder. At this, Darling's right eye twitched as if a fly had landed on his eyeball.
"Wooster!"
They all turned towards the sound. Sir Watkyn Bassett stood at the entrance to the dining hall. Bertie was flabbergasted.
"Sir Watkyn? But I thought you were on business in America!" Bertie said.
"Of course you did, Wooster! You thought you could weasel your way into my home and my family once again while I was away? When I heard that Sir Roderick invited you, I canceled my trip. I want to be here personally, to make sure you don't muck up my home again!" said Sir Watkyn.
Bertie was about to defend himself. He was about to tell Sir Watkyn all about Tuppy's 'Plumbo Jumbo' and how Bertie had no part of it and how it was all Tuppy's fault. He was about to give Sir Watkyn the biggest tongue slashing he'd ever received. But a strange thing happened. Of all people, Sir Roderick Spode defended Bertie. "You leave him alone, Watkyn! He is a guest of mine and I invited him here! I want all of my dear friends here at my birthday party and that includes Bertie Wooster! And if you don't like it, we can take our party elsewhere!" At this point, Spode was screaming. Blackadder was sure he was the only one who saw Spode give Sir Watkyn a quick wink.
"Yes, well...I suppose you're right, Spode. Let's let bygones be bygones. Welcome, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie stood, still flabbergasted.
"Well, I have some business to take care of with Sir Watkyn," Spode announced, "Please excuse me." And with that, the two of them exited the room, leaving Bertie alone with Madeline, Darling, Blackadder, and Baldrick.
"Come, Bertie," Madeline said in a half-whisper, "I want to show you something. It's in Kevin's room." She led the party upstairs to Kevin Darling's room. When Madeline reached to turn the knob, the door opened by itself. On the other side stood none other than Reginald Jeeves.
Totleigh Towers
They were driving at a quick pace down the empty road towards Totleigh Towers. Bertie Wooster was filling Edmund Blackadder in on the eccentricities he would soon encounter at Totleigh. "I tell you, Blackie, you'll never find a bigger bunch of complete lunatics. You should have seen what they did to me the last time I was here! And it wasn't even my fault! I mean how can you blame me for Tuppy's ingenious device flooding the place with sewer water?"
"So, I am to understand it is someone's birthday?" Blackadder asked, eager to change the subject.
"Yes, Sir Roderick 'I like to yell, so everybody better come listen to me' Spode," Bertie explained, "The angriest, most cruel man I've ever met. He's always hated me, that Spode. Why he would want to invite me to his birthday party, I have no idea."
"Perhaps he's trying to mend fences, sir," Blackadder said.
"You know, that's just what Jeeves said. Now, look here. You're not going to go about telling me what to do and how to dress, now. Is that clear?" Bertie said, defensively.
"I wouldn't dream of it, sir. I have no desire to emulate Reginald Jeeves," Blackadder said, "From what I've heard of him, he's the most pompous, arrogant Englishman since King George said 'Oh, just let the Americans have their petty, little army! They'd never think of revolting against me!"
"Ah, good. Now, back to the inhabitants of Totleigh," said Bertie, more calmly, "There's Miss Madeline Bassett. She's a bit of a thicky, if you ask me. Always talking about flowers and clouds and other such nonsense. She also suffers from the delusion that yours truly is in love with her. Poor girl! She would have been well matched with Gussie. But now she's engaged to this Frenchman, Kevin Darling."
"Gussie, sir?" Blackadder questioned.
"Gussie Finknottle. He's a good friend of mine, but unfortunately a bit of a nutter. He's completely mad about newts. You know, those slimy little amphibians?"
"Yes, sir. I'm quite familiar with the animal. In fact, some of Baldrick's best friends are newts."
"Yes, well Gussie was engaged to Madeline, but then they broke it off. For a while she was engaged to Spode, but Tuppy ruined that with his 'Plumbo-Jumbo' contraption. Oh, and I can't forget about my dear Aunt Agatha. She's always making incredible demands on me. Always coming up with some task that I must do for her in order to keep her happy. And usually I end up in hot water because of her. Of course I love her dearly, but sometimes, well..."
"Sometimes you want to shove Gussie's newt tank up the old cow's backside? Sir?" Blackadder put in.
"Well..." Bertie tossed the idea around in his mind for a minute, "You could say that, I suppose." Bertie shot Blackadder a look that showed he had clearly questioned his choice in a new valet.
"Ah, here we are, sir!" Blackadder announced, "I'll unstrap Baldrick from the roof and catch up with you momentarily." Going around the car, Blackadder pulled some shears out of his pocket and snipped the ropes that were securing Baldrick to the roof of the car. With a loud 'thud,' Baldrick fell to the ground. "Get up, Baldrick! Now remember, don't speak unless I tell you to! Got it?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Blackadder," Baldrick replied. The pair walked past the car and caught up with Bertie Wooster as he moved up the steps to Totleigh Tower. The door to the mansion opened at once. There stood the beautiful Madeline Bassett, waiting to greet them.
"Bertie! You're here! I'm so glad you could come, Bertie!" she exclaimed from the door.
"What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie said as he came up to the door and entered the mansion, "Congrats on the engagement, old girl! I knew you'd find someone new! Of course, it couldn't be too hard to find someone better than that arse-head, Spode, now could it?"
At that moment, Sir Roderick Spode stepped into the room. His face was as red as beet, and it was clear to Blackadder that he was mustering all his strength to avoid throttling Bertie. "Hello, Wooster! Welcome. Try not to blow up the place now, will you?"
"Now see here, Spode! May I remind you that it was Tuppy who ruined your big day last time! And after all, you were the one who invited me here!" Bertie fumed.
Madeline said, "Please boys, don't argue! This is meant to be a happy occasion. Roderick's birthday and my engagement to Kevin."
"Yes, yes. Please forgive me, Wooster. Welcome to Totleigh. I do hope you enjoy your stay," Spode said. Bertie nodded, but he thought something wasn't right. Why was Spode so suddenly apologetic? What did he have up his sleeve? Why did he invite Bertie here in the first place? Bertie wished for a brief moment that Jeeves were here to help him sort it all out. Hopefully, Blackadder would be equally clever. Spode spoke up again, "Who is your new valet, Wooster? And what happened to Jeeves?"
"Jeeves and I had a professional disagreement," Bertie lied, "We have gone our separate ways. This is my new gentleman's gentleman, Edmund Blackadder."
"How do you do, sir?" said Blackadder, "I am most honored to be spending my weekend with such fine people."
"What is that horrid smell?" asked Madeline.
"That would be my servant, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "The smell comes from his trousers which haven't been changed since the late 1800s. Don't worry. Baldrick will not be permitted to roam the mansion. He'll stay in his room. I can get him a leash if necessary."
"No, no, don't be foolish! We'll get him a nice, clean set of clothes from the closet. Nothing but the best for our guests," said Spode.
"That's very kind of you, Mr. Spode," Baldrick said, "But I rather prefer my own trousers. It's kind of like moving into a new home. Once you've been in the same house all your life, you feel comfortable and you don't want to leave, do you? My trousers may be rather old, but they're the most comfortable place in the whole world! And they're the only place I'd ever want to keep my..." Baldrick stopped talking abruptly as Blackadder's hand smacked the back of his head.
"Um...yes," Spode said, "Ah, here comes Madeline's fiancŽe!" A tall, odd-looking man entered the room. He had a squinty sort of face that made it look like he had a sour lemon drop permanently attached to his tongue.
"Hello, Kevin!" said Madeline, "I want you to meet my friend Bertie Wooster. And this is his valet, Blackadder."
"Hello," said Darling to both of them.
"What-ho, Kevbo!" said Bertie.
"Hello...Darling," said Blackadder. At this, Darling's right eye twitched as if a fly had landed on his eyeball.
"Wooster!"
They all turned towards the sound. Sir Watkyn Bassett stood at the entrance to the dining hall. Bertie was flabbergasted.
"Sir Watkyn? But I thought you were on business in America!" Bertie said.
"Of course you did, Wooster! You thought you could weasel your way into my home and my family once again while I was away? When I heard that Sir Roderick invited you, I canceled my trip. I want to be here personally, to make sure you don't muck up my home again!" said Sir Watkyn.
Bertie was about to defend himself. He was about to tell Sir Watkyn all about Tuppy's 'Plumbo Jumbo' and how Bertie had no part of it and how it was all Tuppy's fault. He was about to give Sir Watkyn the biggest tongue slashing he'd ever received. But a strange thing happened. Of all people, Sir Roderick Spode defended Bertie. "You leave him alone, Watkyn! He is a guest of mine and I invited him here! I want all of my dear friends here at my birthday party and that includes Bertie Wooster! And if you don't like it, we can take our party elsewhere!" At this point, Spode was screaming. Blackadder was sure he was the only one who saw Spode give Sir Watkyn a quick wink.
"Yes, well...I suppose you're right, Spode. Let's let bygones be bygones. Welcome, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie stood, still flabbergasted.
"Well, I have some business to take care of with Sir Watkyn," Spode announced, "Please excuse me." And with that, the two of them exited the room, leaving Bertie alone with Madeline, Darling, Blackadder, and Baldrick.
"Come, Bertie," Madeline said in a half-whisper, "I want to show you something. It's in Kevin's room." She led the party upstairs to Kevin Darling's room. When Madeline reached to turn the knob, the door opened by itself. On the other side stood none other than Reginald Jeeves.