Chapter Six
A Pair of Finknottles
Edmund Blackadder was buttoning up his uniform as he entered his master's bedroom. His master, Bertie Wooster was still in deep sleep. "Good morning, Mr. Wooster," Blackadder said calmly. Bertie didn't move a muscle. Blackadder tried again, "Time to wake up, Mr. Wooster. Your morning coffee is nearly ready, sir." Again, no movement from Bertie. Getting frustrated, Blackadder moved the small table on the other side of the room next to the doorway. Then, in a quick, sudden movement, he tipped the lamp that had been sitting on the table onto the floor with a crashing sound!
Bertie sat straight up in bed, yelling, "Aaahh! What the blazes was that?"
"Oh, I'm deeply sorry to have awakened you, sir. I must have accidentally knocked the lamp here onto the ground," Blackadder lied.
"Yes, well you'd better clean it up!" Bertie scolded, "And be more careful next time you enter someone's room."
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, coldly, "Sir, the coffee is ready if you would like some."
"Yes, now that you mention it, I could use a cup," Bertie said, "Two sugars, one cream."
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, exiting the room.
"But, Mr. B.," Baldrick whispered out of Bertie's earshot, "I haven't got any sugar or cream."
"What? Then what was that you put in my cup?" asked Blackadder. "Wait! Never mind! I'd probably prefer not to know. Just make Master Thicko's the same. He'll never know the difference. So, Baldrick, I'm going to spend the day finding out everything I can about this Totleigh and its inhabitants. Think you can manage to stay out of trouble?"
"What? You mean I have to stay here? But why, Mr. B.? Why can't I help you in your scheme to rob stupid, rich people?" Baldrick begged.
"Because Baldrick, you are like one of those novelty pistols that shoot out a little flag that says 'BANG' against the whole of the German armed forces. Quite humorous for a while, but ultimately completely useless," Blackadder replied.
"Well, what-ho, Blackadder?" Bertie said, finally emerging from his room, "And good morning to your little monkey, as well!"
"Feeling chipper this morning, sir?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, yes actually. Aside from being in a house surrounded by people who would like to see me as the subject of a particularly angry lynch mob, I'd say it's looking to be a lovely weekend. The sun is bright! The air, crisp and clean! Nobody banging on my door!" Suddenly, as if on cue, someone knocked lightly on the door. "Well, two out of three isn't bad then, is it?" Blackadder walked to the door and opened it.
"Hello. I'm here to see Bertie Wooster!" the strange-looking man with dark hair and thick glasses said. "Oh, there you are! Hello, Bertie!" Bertie knew him immediately. It was none other than Augustus Finknottle, better known by his friends as Gussie.
"What-ho, Gussie, old chum! I didn't expect to see you here at Sir Roderick Spode's birthday. He hates you, doesn't he?" Bertie said.
"Well, that hasn't stopped you from being here, has it Bertie?" Gussie said.
"Well, no, I guess you're right. So, what brings you here, Gussie?"
"Why I'm here with my sister, of course. She is set to marry Stilton Cheesewright, you know," Gussie informed them.
"Yes, Jeeves told me," said Bertie, "You have my condolences, Gussie. I wouldn't want to have that fool Cheesewright as a brother!"
"I should hope not, sir," Blackadder put in.
"Oh, he's really not all that bad, once you get to know him, Bertie," said Gussie, "Say, would you like to meet my sister, Elizabeth?"
"Well, I don't know, Gussie. Stilton has given me very clear instructions not to go near your sister. More like threats actually, but still I wouldn't want to make him angry again."
"Oh, pish, Bertie! You're not going to listen to him, now, are you? Come on; let me introduce you to her. You can bring your new valet along if you'd like. And your dog," said Gussie.
"That's not a dog, Mr. Finknottle," Blackadder corrected him, "It is my servant, Baldrick. And actually, he has work to do here, so he will unfortunately not be joining us."
"Oh, all right! Let's go then," Gussie said, leading Bertie down the hall. Blackadder stayed behind for a moment.
"Mr. B., what work did you want me to do while you are gone?" Baldrick asked.
"Nothing, I just don't want you mucking up my plans! You'll stay here until we return, understood?" Blackadder said.
"But sir, I'll be bored out of my mind if I stay here all by myself! Please, I need something to do, Mr. B.!"
"Oh, alright! Try cleaning up the place a bit. You can start with the throwing yourself out the window," Blackadder said, sarcastically, as he left to catch up with the others, which wasn't difficult since Elizabeth's room was on the complete opposite side of the mansion.
When they finally reached the room, Gussie opened the door, and the three of them entered. "Hello, Elizabeth!" Gussie said, cheerfully, "I want you to meet a good friend of mine, Bertie Wooster!"
"How do you do, Miss Finknottle?" Bertie said, extending his hand.
"How do you do?" she replied, "Well, this is just fab! I just love meeting all of Augustus's friends! Although, I must say he doesn't look nearly as lumpy and repulsive as you described, Augustus."
"No, Elizabeth, that was Tuppy Glossop," Gussie said.
"Oh, yes, right. Anyway, who's the incredibly handsome man standing behind you, Bertie?" Elizabeth said, with an even more over-enthusiastic tone than her brother.
Blackadder stepped forward, kneeled down, took Elizabeth's hand, and kissed it gently, saying seductively, "My name is Edmund Blackadder, Miss. Butler to Bertie Wooster, and an incredibly good lover. Or so the ladies in London tell me. And who, ma'am, is this?" Blackadder was motioning towards the short, plump woman who sat at Elizabeth's side.
"Oh, that's my maid. We call her Nursie. But don't bother talking to her. She's incredibly stupid!" Elizabeth replied, "Do you know what it's like being surrounded by idiots, Mr. Blackadder?"
"You have no idea, Miss," Blackadder said, starring intently into her eyes.
Suddenly, Elizabeth's eyes became very wide and she smiled, saying, "Say, would you like to see my collection of rats? They're super fab!"
"Well, actually..." Blackadder began.
"Yes," Bertie interrupted, "Of course we would."
Elizabeth turned to Gussie. "Augustus, do me a favor and go and fetch the large cage from the other room, will you?"
"Of course," Gussie said, leaving the room quickly.
"Now that that fool is gone, enough of these pleasantries! I asked him to bring you here for a reason, Bertie," said Elizabeth, no longer in her sugar-sweet voice. "I need you to do something for me! Have you seen the painting that Madeline Bassett is planning to give to Sir Roderick tonight?"
"His birthday present? Yes, I've seen it. Why?" Bertie asked.
"I want you to steel it for me!" Elizabeth demanded.
"Why on Earth would you want that ghastly picture?" Bertie asked.
"It's not ghastly at all! Haven't you seen it? It looks like a nest of rats! Simply lovely!" Elizabeth said.
"Are you a nutter or something? It's meant to be a picture of Roderick Spode!" Bertie said.
"Well, I like it!" Elizabeth said, getting angry now, "And I want it! And I always get what I want!"
Nursie finally spoke, "Yes, that's certainly true, dear. Why, I remember when you were a baby and you didn't want to learn to use the potty! You would cry for hours at a time! 'But I don't want to go ploppy!' you'd say. 'I want to ploppy in my pants!'"
"Shut up, Nursie!" said Elizabeth, turning back, "Look, Bertie! I want that painting. And you're going to get it for me!"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse, my dear Elizabeth," Bertie said, "My days of stealing paintings, or anything else for that matter, are over. Besides, your fiancŽ would break my spine if he knew I had any connection with you whatsoever. You'll just have to find somebody else to do your dirty work."
"Let me put it this way, Bertie," she said, in mock politeness. "If you don't get that painting for me, I will tell Stilton that you tried to kiss me right here in my bedroom!"
"Wha...of all the nerve! Well, I guess I don't have any choice now, do I?" said Bertie.
"I knew you'd see it my way!" Elizabeth said, sweetly, "Everyone always does."
"That's true too!" said Nursie, "Your mother and father were so tired of fighting with you, they just let you go ploppy in your pants whenever you wanted. Everywhere we went, people would say, 'What's that smell?' And we'd say, 'It's Lizzie! She doesn't like to go ploppy, you know!'"
"SHUT UP, NURSIE!" Elizabeth screamed. A moment later, Gussie returned with the cage of rats. "Oh, Augustus! You're back! Bertie, would you like to see my rats?"
"Actually, Miss Finknottle, I have some work to do. I'll see you a bit later, I suppose. Goodbye, Gussie! Goodbye, Nursie!" Bertie said, making a quick escape with Blackadder. Once in the hallway, Bertie let out a great sigh. "I tell you, Blackadder. Why Stilton would want to marry a woman like that is beyond me! One minute she's as sweet and unbearable as Madeline Bassett and the next minute she's more angry and menacing than Lady Florence Craye. What an absolute nightmare!"
"I agree, sir," Blackadder said, "But you must admit, she does have an incredibly nice rack! I know I wouldn't mind a few goes with her!"
"Well...yes...I suppose you have a point there, Blackadder," Bertie said with a confused look. They continued walking down the hallway, completely unaware that they were being followed.
As Bertie and Blackadder came into the main dining hall, Bertie was saying, "Where is everyone? Surely, they're not all still sleeping!"
Blackadder strolled around the table and picked up a note. "Sir, I have found a note. It says, 'Out for a game of golf. Please feel free to join us.' Shall we join them, sir?"
"Yes! By jimbo, why not? I could use some good fun after this latest parade of death threats! Let's go!" said Bertie.
After the two of them had gone, Jeeves entered the room cautiously, making sure he hadn't been seen. He walked around the table, and quietly crumpled the note and threw it in the garbage. At the moment that Jeeves was about to step outside, Elizabeth and Gussie Finknottle, along with Nursie, came into the room. Elizabeth asked, "Where has everyone gone, Jeeves?"
"I really couldn't say, Miss," Jeeves lied.
A Pair of Finknottles
Edmund Blackadder was buttoning up his uniform as he entered his master's bedroom. His master, Bertie Wooster was still in deep sleep. "Good morning, Mr. Wooster," Blackadder said calmly. Bertie didn't move a muscle. Blackadder tried again, "Time to wake up, Mr. Wooster. Your morning coffee is nearly ready, sir." Again, no movement from Bertie. Getting frustrated, Blackadder moved the small table on the other side of the room next to the doorway. Then, in a quick, sudden movement, he tipped the lamp that had been sitting on the table onto the floor with a crashing sound!
Bertie sat straight up in bed, yelling, "Aaahh! What the blazes was that?"
"Oh, I'm deeply sorry to have awakened you, sir. I must have accidentally knocked the lamp here onto the ground," Blackadder lied.
"Yes, well you'd better clean it up!" Bertie scolded, "And be more careful next time you enter someone's room."
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, coldly, "Sir, the coffee is ready if you would like some."
"Yes, now that you mention it, I could use a cup," Bertie said, "Two sugars, one cream."
"Yes, sir," Blackadder said, exiting the room.
"But, Mr. B.," Baldrick whispered out of Bertie's earshot, "I haven't got any sugar or cream."
"What? Then what was that you put in my cup?" asked Blackadder. "Wait! Never mind! I'd probably prefer not to know. Just make Master Thicko's the same. He'll never know the difference. So, Baldrick, I'm going to spend the day finding out everything I can about this Totleigh and its inhabitants. Think you can manage to stay out of trouble?"
"What? You mean I have to stay here? But why, Mr. B.? Why can't I help you in your scheme to rob stupid, rich people?" Baldrick begged.
"Because Baldrick, you are like one of those novelty pistols that shoot out a little flag that says 'BANG' against the whole of the German armed forces. Quite humorous for a while, but ultimately completely useless," Blackadder replied.
"Well, what-ho, Blackadder?" Bertie said, finally emerging from his room, "And good morning to your little monkey, as well!"
"Feeling chipper this morning, sir?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, yes actually. Aside from being in a house surrounded by people who would like to see me as the subject of a particularly angry lynch mob, I'd say it's looking to be a lovely weekend. The sun is bright! The air, crisp and clean! Nobody banging on my door!" Suddenly, as if on cue, someone knocked lightly on the door. "Well, two out of three isn't bad then, is it?" Blackadder walked to the door and opened it.
"Hello. I'm here to see Bertie Wooster!" the strange-looking man with dark hair and thick glasses said. "Oh, there you are! Hello, Bertie!" Bertie knew him immediately. It was none other than Augustus Finknottle, better known by his friends as Gussie.
"What-ho, Gussie, old chum! I didn't expect to see you here at Sir Roderick Spode's birthday. He hates you, doesn't he?" Bertie said.
"Well, that hasn't stopped you from being here, has it Bertie?" Gussie said.
"Well, no, I guess you're right. So, what brings you here, Gussie?"
"Why I'm here with my sister, of course. She is set to marry Stilton Cheesewright, you know," Gussie informed them.
"Yes, Jeeves told me," said Bertie, "You have my condolences, Gussie. I wouldn't want to have that fool Cheesewright as a brother!"
"I should hope not, sir," Blackadder put in.
"Oh, he's really not all that bad, once you get to know him, Bertie," said Gussie, "Say, would you like to meet my sister, Elizabeth?"
"Well, I don't know, Gussie. Stilton has given me very clear instructions not to go near your sister. More like threats actually, but still I wouldn't want to make him angry again."
"Oh, pish, Bertie! You're not going to listen to him, now, are you? Come on; let me introduce you to her. You can bring your new valet along if you'd like. And your dog," said Gussie.
"That's not a dog, Mr. Finknottle," Blackadder corrected him, "It is my servant, Baldrick. And actually, he has work to do here, so he will unfortunately not be joining us."
"Oh, all right! Let's go then," Gussie said, leading Bertie down the hall. Blackadder stayed behind for a moment.
"Mr. B., what work did you want me to do while you are gone?" Baldrick asked.
"Nothing, I just don't want you mucking up my plans! You'll stay here until we return, understood?" Blackadder said.
"But sir, I'll be bored out of my mind if I stay here all by myself! Please, I need something to do, Mr. B.!"
"Oh, alright! Try cleaning up the place a bit. You can start with the throwing yourself out the window," Blackadder said, sarcastically, as he left to catch up with the others, which wasn't difficult since Elizabeth's room was on the complete opposite side of the mansion.
When they finally reached the room, Gussie opened the door, and the three of them entered. "Hello, Elizabeth!" Gussie said, cheerfully, "I want you to meet a good friend of mine, Bertie Wooster!"
"How do you do, Miss Finknottle?" Bertie said, extending his hand.
"How do you do?" she replied, "Well, this is just fab! I just love meeting all of Augustus's friends! Although, I must say he doesn't look nearly as lumpy and repulsive as you described, Augustus."
"No, Elizabeth, that was Tuppy Glossop," Gussie said.
"Oh, yes, right. Anyway, who's the incredibly handsome man standing behind you, Bertie?" Elizabeth said, with an even more over-enthusiastic tone than her brother.
Blackadder stepped forward, kneeled down, took Elizabeth's hand, and kissed it gently, saying seductively, "My name is Edmund Blackadder, Miss. Butler to Bertie Wooster, and an incredibly good lover. Or so the ladies in London tell me. And who, ma'am, is this?" Blackadder was motioning towards the short, plump woman who sat at Elizabeth's side.
"Oh, that's my maid. We call her Nursie. But don't bother talking to her. She's incredibly stupid!" Elizabeth replied, "Do you know what it's like being surrounded by idiots, Mr. Blackadder?"
"You have no idea, Miss," Blackadder said, starring intently into her eyes.
Suddenly, Elizabeth's eyes became very wide and she smiled, saying, "Say, would you like to see my collection of rats? They're super fab!"
"Well, actually..." Blackadder began.
"Yes," Bertie interrupted, "Of course we would."
Elizabeth turned to Gussie. "Augustus, do me a favor and go and fetch the large cage from the other room, will you?"
"Of course," Gussie said, leaving the room quickly.
"Now that that fool is gone, enough of these pleasantries! I asked him to bring you here for a reason, Bertie," said Elizabeth, no longer in her sugar-sweet voice. "I need you to do something for me! Have you seen the painting that Madeline Bassett is planning to give to Sir Roderick tonight?"
"His birthday present? Yes, I've seen it. Why?" Bertie asked.
"I want you to steel it for me!" Elizabeth demanded.
"Why on Earth would you want that ghastly picture?" Bertie asked.
"It's not ghastly at all! Haven't you seen it? It looks like a nest of rats! Simply lovely!" Elizabeth said.
"Are you a nutter or something? It's meant to be a picture of Roderick Spode!" Bertie said.
"Well, I like it!" Elizabeth said, getting angry now, "And I want it! And I always get what I want!"
Nursie finally spoke, "Yes, that's certainly true, dear. Why, I remember when you were a baby and you didn't want to learn to use the potty! You would cry for hours at a time! 'But I don't want to go ploppy!' you'd say. 'I want to ploppy in my pants!'"
"Shut up, Nursie!" said Elizabeth, turning back, "Look, Bertie! I want that painting. And you're going to get it for me!"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to refuse, my dear Elizabeth," Bertie said, "My days of stealing paintings, or anything else for that matter, are over. Besides, your fiancŽ would break my spine if he knew I had any connection with you whatsoever. You'll just have to find somebody else to do your dirty work."
"Let me put it this way, Bertie," she said, in mock politeness. "If you don't get that painting for me, I will tell Stilton that you tried to kiss me right here in my bedroom!"
"Wha...of all the nerve! Well, I guess I don't have any choice now, do I?" said Bertie.
"I knew you'd see it my way!" Elizabeth said, sweetly, "Everyone always does."
"That's true too!" said Nursie, "Your mother and father were so tired of fighting with you, they just let you go ploppy in your pants whenever you wanted. Everywhere we went, people would say, 'What's that smell?' And we'd say, 'It's Lizzie! She doesn't like to go ploppy, you know!'"
"SHUT UP, NURSIE!" Elizabeth screamed. A moment later, Gussie returned with the cage of rats. "Oh, Augustus! You're back! Bertie, would you like to see my rats?"
"Actually, Miss Finknottle, I have some work to do. I'll see you a bit later, I suppose. Goodbye, Gussie! Goodbye, Nursie!" Bertie said, making a quick escape with Blackadder. Once in the hallway, Bertie let out a great sigh. "I tell you, Blackadder. Why Stilton would want to marry a woman like that is beyond me! One minute she's as sweet and unbearable as Madeline Bassett and the next minute she's more angry and menacing than Lady Florence Craye. What an absolute nightmare!"
"I agree, sir," Blackadder said, "But you must admit, she does have an incredibly nice rack! I know I wouldn't mind a few goes with her!"
"Well...yes...I suppose you have a point there, Blackadder," Bertie said with a confused look. They continued walking down the hallway, completely unaware that they were being followed.
As Bertie and Blackadder came into the main dining hall, Bertie was saying, "Where is everyone? Surely, they're not all still sleeping!"
Blackadder strolled around the table and picked up a note. "Sir, I have found a note. It says, 'Out for a game of golf. Please feel free to join us.' Shall we join them, sir?"
"Yes! By jimbo, why not? I could use some good fun after this latest parade of death threats! Let's go!" said Bertie.
After the two of them had gone, Jeeves entered the room cautiously, making sure he hadn't been seen. He walked around the table, and quietly crumpled the note and threw it in the garbage. At the moment that Jeeves was about to step outside, Elizabeth and Gussie Finknottle, along with Nursie, came into the room. Elizabeth asked, "Where has everyone gone, Jeeves?"
"I really couldn't say, Miss," Jeeves lied.