Well, it had been a shitty day, Sam thought. And perhaps he should have been able to describe his day better than by using 'shitty', but that was the best he could do right now.
Toby in a grumpy mood after he had been stuck on a speech, Josh annoying everyone with Amy's latest offense, and, oh, yes, his father calling him, two hours earlier, inviting him to his wedding – Sam had thought he was past the anger stage as far as his parents were concerned, but he now realized he had been sadly mistaken.
Toby and Josh had gone now, apparently convinced that they wouldn't succeed in cheering him up. He was left in the deserted bullpen, staring at his desk, and it looked so disgustingly like that other night, months ago, when he had learned of his father's affair…
Shaking his head, Sam prepared to leave. He had put on his coat when his cell phone began to ring. Checking the number, he saw that his father was yet again trying to reach him. He waited until the ringing had stopped, and kept on staring at the phone in his hand, then at the window.
He felt a presence behind him.
"Don't throw it."
"I know."
Yet he didn't move. After a while, he decided that breaking another window would look pretty foolish – especially in front of Leo, who, he was sure, was now looking concerned.
He turned to face his boss. "Leo."
"Sam."
He was sure there was more to say, but he didn't know exactly what. And neither did Leo, apparently.
"Sorry," said Sam. "I'm… I had a strange day."
"Strange?"
"And my father is getting married with the other woman, so…"
"Yes. Josh wouldn't tell me what happened – "
"I didn't tell him."
"Okay."
"I'll tell him, I just… I want… Actually, I don't know what I want."
"A drive home?" Leo suggested.
Sam shook his head. "No, thanks, I – " Seeing Leo's stern face made him reconsider. "That wasn't a suggestion, was it?"
"No."
Because no one discussed orders when they came from Leo McGarry, Sam shrugged. "Okay, then."
*****
They were well on their way to Sam's place when Leo said, after a long silence, "I talked to the President."
"Yes?"
"He said you were staying."
"I-"
"We all know you thought about leaving, son."
Sam didn't deny it. He was a little embarrassed at not having concealed his feelings a little better than that. "Yeah, well-"
"The President is glad that you're staying. And so am I."
Sam shot him a look, and nodded. "Thanks."
"You didn't… This thing you do… "
"Not since the MS. I… thought about that, too. But, you know… I always feel pretty stupid after I'm done."
Leo had a wolf-like grin. "I'm sure."
"Yeah."
The rest of the drive was made in silence. As Sam was climbing out the car, Leo asked, "You'll be all right?"
Sam smiled, more touched by the man's concern than he wanted to admit. "Sure."
"Good. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah."
*****
Three days laterSam felt Josh's presence before he talked. His friend radiated awkwardness. "Hey buddy," Josh exclaimed, taking a seat next to him, at a corner table in their favorite bar.
"Josh…"
"How do you… How are you doing?"
"Well, I'm not going to resign, so if that's the reason you're here, you can go tell Toby, and - "
Josh raised a hand to silence him. "That's not what I came here for."
"It's not?"
"No. I was walking, you see – "
"Walking?"
"Yes. Enjoying the evening, outside, because I'm, you know…"
"An outdoorsman," Sam supplied, his tone conveying just what he thought of Josh's illusions.
"Yes. And so, I was thinking about everything you said the other day, and glad as I am that you're… fighting back, I think you can say, it occurred to me that you, my friend, are an idiot."
Sam stared at him for a moment, then sighed. "I'm sensing a long, long talk in front of us."
"You're right."
He looked down at his glass, and said, "Well, go ahead, and please, tell me how I am an idiot."
Josh leaned back in his seat, studying him. "Well, technically, you're not the only one to blame," he admitted.
"Okay."
"We've all been pretty dumb. Me, too."
Sam fought the grin trying to plaster itself on his face.
"What?" Josh asked defensively.
"The Great Josh Lyman just admitted that he had been pretty dumb," Sam said.
"Yeah. As you have been."
"How so?" he asked.
"Sam… families fight. All the time. They have their ups and downs, their members drift apart, and reconcile, and fight, and love each other."
Sam didn't say anything, merely motioning for Josh to go on.
"You didn't lose us, we just… we're going through a down, but we'll come up eventually."
"Josh…"
"Sam, seriously. You… you didn't lose us, we didn't implode, or whatever it is you've convinced yourself we did. We're still here, just… more battered up than we were before."
"It had occurred to me, you know. You… You stopped talking to me," Sam said.
"I'm sorry."
"You had promised," Sam said again. "Before the accident, and after… I was… I kept struggling with all these stupid assignments, and I didn't try to talk to you all the time, but when I did, you ignored me. What was I supposed to think, Josh?"
"Yeah. I don't know what to tell you."
"I thought… I supposed you were angry."
"Angry?"
"At me," Sam elaborated. "For the way I reacted to the MS. Because I wasn't… as committed as you all were."
"Oh. I…"
"I was doing the best I could, Josh. I couldn't have done better, even though I probably should have." He sighed. "Never mind. It's all right."
"No, it's obviously not. Sam, really - "
"You're all here," Sam completed.
"Do you have any idea how worried we are, all of us?"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," Josh said, nodding forcefully.
"And I'm an idiot?"
"Yes."
"When… when did you understand, that, you know, families fight, and so on?"
"Uh… three hours ago."
"So, I'm not alone in my stupidity?"
"No, you're not alone."
"I'm guessing you didn't say any of that to CJ?"
"No."
"Or Toby?"
"He knows a few things, but not that… well…"
"We're idiots?"
"Yeah."
"Actually, I think he does know, but whatever."
"We'll be fine."
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Josh. Please."
"I know. I'm saying… things took a turn for the worse, there, I know, but…"
Sam wasn't as convinced as he had been, back when Josh had promised him that he wouldn't be alone in DC. He didn't think he'd ever be. And he could admit that some part of him had blamed Josh, because he had followed him to the campaign, out of trust. Without Josh, he wouldn't have been here at all. But he could admit that, if he had followed Josh, he had stayed of his own accord. He could have run away screaming when he had met Bartlet, or Toby. He could have left after the campaign. He could have left at any point. He had stayed when things looked bright, and Sam was not the kind of man who left when things got darker. He had stayed out of habit, or because he wanted to, or because Sam Seaborn wasn't a quitter, but he hadn't stayed for Josh, he knew that.
Josh had done his best, he supposed. Ignoring him may have hurt, but he knew Josh's faults and accepted them.
"It'll be all right," Josh repeated.
He knew his friend had no control over what could happen next, but it didn't matter.
Families had ups and downs, and with luck, soon, an up would come.
Maybe it was there, already.
Sam nodded, and raised his glass. "Okay."
After he had taken a few sips, Josh asked, "You heard from your father again, didn't you?"
Sam nodded, stared at his glass for a while, then began to talk.
*****
It was a very sore Sam who woke up the next morning.
His first conscious thought was that it was going to hurt. He didn't know what "it" was, but he could feel it.
He then tried to open his eyes, and memories came back – the bar, Josh telling him he was stupid, himself, trying to believe Josh, but not daring to.
The beers he had drunk, and Josh almost carrying him back home.
Ugh.
He head was throbbing, his stomach was rebelling, and his knee was painful, even though he hadn't moved it yet.
Yes, the day was going to be a blast.
Then, a cheerful-looking Josh came in, carrying a glass of water. Sam grimaced, trying to order his stomach to keep quiet.
"How do you feel?" cheerful-Josh asked.
"Ugh," Sam summarized. He raised his head, decided that the walls shouldn't have been spinning that way, and swallowed.
"Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"I hate you."
"Why?"
"Because you didn't drink. You could have been miserable with me. Also… I now realize that running to the bathroom to throw up with a dislocated knee is going to be, you know… impossible."
Josh blanched and precipitately stepped back.
******
"I hate you," Sam said, for the tenth time in as many minutes.
The automatic answer came. "Yeah, you've said that already, buddy."
Sam sighed, closing his eyes and trying to dispel a new wave of nausea, remembering his talk with Josh.
He was tired of feeling so alone, all the time. He remembered the nearly physical despair that had almost overcome him at times, these last weeks. The feeling of isolation he felt constantly.
Yet… yet, he still wasn't sure that being surrounded by his friends was worth the heartache he had been going through recently.
"Sam, you can't go on like that."
"Josh…"
"Seriously, you're… I know you don't trust many people right now, and you've been burned, but come on… this is…"
Sam chuckled. "Unhealthy?"
"Well, yes."
"I know," Sam said. "I just… I'm… I'm tired, Josh."
"I know."
"And I… I'm not sure I can take another blow."
"You won't have to."
"You can't promise that," Sam protested. "We work in politics, it's inevitable that we're going to… make the convenient thing, sometimes. To… you know,…"
"Screw someone over? Betray each other? Keep someone out of the loop?"
"Yeah. I… I love writing for the President, Josh. Even after…everything. This job means the world to me, but I'm not sure I can go through that again."
"Okay, then, you won't have to go through that until you're ready to."
"Josh…""I can promise that, Sam. I… I know I didn't keep my word the last time, and I'm sorry, but come on… One more chance can't hurt."
Sam couldn't agree with that. One more chance could hurt him if he was disappointed again.
Yet… yet, spending the rest of his life alone wasn't exactly appealing either.
Josh was looking at him, anxious for an answer.
He nodded, once, hesitantly, and Josh brightened.
And Sam nodded again, more resolutely.
End part 5