Chapter Eight
A Cunning Plan
As the two walked up to their room alone, Bertie asked, "So, Blackadder, what's the plan?"
"I haven't got one," said Blackadder.
Bertie stopped walking, looking stunned. "But you said you had one back at the golf course! Something about a baked potato and skinning a cat, if I'm not mistaken. So, how exactly are we going to skin this cat?"
"We're not skinning any cat!" said Blackadder.
"Right! A chimpanzee, then. Should I get a knife from the kitchen?" said Bertie.
"We're not skinning anything!" Blackadder said, frustrated.
"Well, I suppose you're right! Wouldn't want to hurt any poor animals. How about the potato, then? We can skin that and nobody would get hurt!" Bertie said.
"Look, Master Mini-Brain, that was a metaphor!"
"A what?" said Bertie, confused.
"A metaphor. A simile. An analogy."
"Anal-ogy?" said Bertie, "What's that? Some sort of perverted new science?"
"It's not science."
"Well, whatever it is it sounds a bit rude if you ask me!"
Blackadder looked positively disgusted at having to deal with such idiocy. "Never mind! The point is I haven't got any plan for breaking them up! I was bluffing!"
"Bluffing? Why?"
"Because although Sir Watkyn and Spode may be as thick as a pot of Baldrick's coffee, they're smart enough to realize that without a plan to break up that marriage, we are about as useless to them as a boxful of porn and a bottle of lotion is to a eunuch. They'd toss us out like an old bag of moldy tangerines if they knew we didn't have a plan. And I for one am getting quite used to living at Totleigh Towers."
"So, what are we going to do?" Bertie asked.
"Well, we'll have to think of something! And think it up quick! We have until tonight at Sir Roderick's birthday party to get rid of Darling." They walked into their room.
Blackadder looked around. "Baldrick!" No one answered. "Baldrick!" Still nothing. "Damn! I told him to stay here!" At that moment, Baldrick entered the room. "Where have you been?"
"Out enjoying the morning air, Mr. B!" said Baldrick, "And you'll never believe what I found in the basement!"
"Baldrick, I have no interest in your latest cob-web discovery! We have work to do! Master Wooster is in a terrible pickle, and I need to get him out!" said Blackadder.
Baldrick looked at Bertie. Then he lightly pressed his hands around Bertie's chest. "He doesn't feel like a pickle, Mr. B."
Blackadder rolled his eyes, then looking up said, "What have I done, God, to deserve to be constantly surrounded by total prats?" He turned back to Baldrick, "We have a problem, Baldrick. Two problems actually," Blackadder corrected himself; suddenly remembering that Lady Elizabeth Finknottle demanded that Bertie steal the painting of Spode. He explained the whole mess to Baldrick. He explained how Elizabeth threatened Bertie and how they must know steal that horrid picture that Madeline and Kevin plan to give to Spode for his birthday. He explained how Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha had ganged up on Bertie during the golf game. He explained how they threatened him as well. He explained how they wanted him to break up the wedding of Madeline and Kevin. And he explained how he had lied about having a plan to guarantee their stay at Totleigh.
After all of that, Bertie was pacing the floor, his face covered in sweat, and his mind a bundle of nerves. "What are we going to do? I'm sunk! I'm positively sunk! Either I steal that painting and have Spode and the police after me! Or I don't steal the painting and have Stilton Cheesewright break my spine! And then there's the matter of breaking of poor Madeline's wedding! She'll hate me! What are we going to do?" Bertie said, more nervous than he could ever remember. "I really wish Jeeves were here!"
"Nonsense!" Blackadder demanded, "We can figure this out without that fool, Jeeves!"
"But how?" Bertie asked. Blackadder said nothing.
"Sir," Baldrick said calmly, "I have a cunning plan that will solve all your problems!"
Bertie's eyes and face relaxed. A smile broke out on his face and he let himself fall into the sofa. "Ah, well, what a relief! That's settled!"
"I wouldn't get too excited, sir," said Blackadder, "Baldrick's idea of a cunning plan will no doubt be the stupidest idea since the American Indians said, 'These white men are probably very kind people! Let's invite them into our homes and make them a great big feast! I'm sure they won't slaughter us and take our land!'"
"This one really is cunning, Mr. B!" said Blackadder.
"Really? It doesn't happen to involve the three of us dressing up like pigeons, does it?" Blackadder said.
"Why yes, sir, it does! How'd you know?" Baldrick asked, looking completely stunned.
"Because, Baldrick, your last six 'cunning plans' have all involved us dressing as pigeons!" said Blackadder.
"Now, now, Blackadder! He may be as ugly and smelly as a French bulldog, but I'd like to hear what he has to say!" said Bertie.
"Thank you, sir!" said Baldrick.
"Very well! What's your brilliant plan, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, Mr. B., we have to get that painting for Lady Elizabeth, and we have to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett's wedding, right?" Baldrick started, "Well, how about we dress up like pigeons? Then, we sneak into Mr. Darling's room when no one's looking and swap the painting of Sir Roderick with a different painting of Sir Roderick in a compromising position. Then, we give the real painting to Lady Elizabeth. When Mr. Darling gives Sir Roderick his present, everyone will be so disgusted that they'll kick Mr. Darling out of the mansion and Miss Bassett will break off her engagement to him! Then, everybody is happy!"
"Oh, come now, Baldrick!" yelled Bertie, "What a foolish idea that is! Blackadder was right! You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it lived in your trousers!"
"Oh," said Baldrick, looking saddened.
"Actually," said Blackadder, "Aside from the dressing up as pigeons bit, that's not a bad plan at all! It solves both of your problems quite nicely. The only problem, Baldrick, is how will we manage to paint a portrait of Spode in such a short amount of time? After all, his party is tonight."
"Hmm. That is a tough one, Blackie!" said Bertie.
"Well, Mr. B, we could use the one that I found in the basement," Baldrick said.
Blackadder turned to Baldrick. "What?"
"Well, that's what I was trying to tell you before! While I was throwing out the trash, I got lost and ended up in the basement. That's where I found an amazing portrait of Sir Roderick in a very compromising position," Baldrick explained.
"Well, I must say, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "You've proven me wrong. That is an incredibly cunning plan. And it just might work! Sir, what do you think?"
"Well, I say let's do it!" said Bertie.
"Right! But first we'd better have a look at this painting you found, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "Take us to it."
"Take you to what, sir?" Baldrick asked.
"To the painting," Blackadder said, annoyed.
"But I told you, I don't know where it is! I only stumbled on it by accident anyway because I was lost! I won't be able to find it again!" Baldrick said.
"Baldrick, you'd better find it or else the tip of my shoe will 'accidentally stumble upon' your genitalia!" Blackadder demanded.
"Yes, sir, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, leading the pair out the door and starting down the hallway.
A Cunning Plan
As the two walked up to their room alone, Bertie asked, "So, Blackadder, what's the plan?"
"I haven't got one," said Blackadder.
Bertie stopped walking, looking stunned. "But you said you had one back at the golf course! Something about a baked potato and skinning a cat, if I'm not mistaken. So, how exactly are we going to skin this cat?"
"We're not skinning any cat!" said Blackadder.
"Right! A chimpanzee, then. Should I get a knife from the kitchen?" said Bertie.
"We're not skinning anything!" Blackadder said, frustrated.
"Well, I suppose you're right! Wouldn't want to hurt any poor animals. How about the potato, then? We can skin that and nobody would get hurt!" Bertie said.
"Look, Master Mini-Brain, that was a metaphor!"
"A what?" said Bertie, confused.
"A metaphor. A simile. An analogy."
"Anal-ogy?" said Bertie, "What's that? Some sort of perverted new science?"
"It's not science."
"Well, whatever it is it sounds a bit rude if you ask me!"
Blackadder looked positively disgusted at having to deal with such idiocy. "Never mind! The point is I haven't got any plan for breaking them up! I was bluffing!"
"Bluffing? Why?"
"Because although Sir Watkyn and Spode may be as thick as a pot of Baldrick's coffee, they're smart enough to realize that without a plan to break up that marriage, we are about as useless to them as a boxful of porn and a bottle of lotion is to a eunuch. They'd toss us out like an old bag of moldy tangerines if they knew we didn't have a plan. And I for one am getting quite used to living at Totleigh Towers."
"So, what are we going to do?" Bertie asked.
"Well, we'll have to think of something! And think it up quick! We have until tonight at Sir Roderick's birthday party to get rid of Darling." They walked into their room.
Blackadder looked around. "Baldrick!" No one answered. "Baldrick!" Still nothing. "Damn! I told him to stay here!" At that moment, Baldrick entered the room. "Where have you been?"
"Out enjoying the morning air, Mr. B!" said Baldrick, "And you'll never believe what I found in the basement!"
"Baldrick, I have no interest in your latest cob-web discovery! We have work to do! Master Wooster is in a terrible pickle, and I need to get him out!" said Blackadder.
Baldrick looked at Bertie. Then he lightly pressed his hands around Bertie's chest. "He doesn't feel like a pickle, Mr. B."
Blackadder rolled his eyes, then looking up said, "What have I done, God, to deserve to be constantly surrounded by total prats?" He turned back to Baldrick, "We have a problem, Baldrick. Two problems actually," Blackadder corrected himself; suddenly remembering that Lady Elizabeth Finknottle demanded that Bertie steal the painting of Spode. He explained the whole mess to Baldrick. He explained how Elizabeth threatened Bertie and how they must know steal that horrid picture that Madeline and Kevin plan to give to Spode for his birthday. He explained how Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha had ganged up on Bertie during the golf game. He explained how they threatened him as well. He explained how they wanted him to break up the wedding of Madeline and Kevin. And he explained how he had lied about having a plan to guarantee their stay at Totleigh.
After all of that, Bertie was pacing the floor, his face covered in sweat, and his mind a bundle of nerves. "What are we going to do? I'm sunk! I'm positively sunk! Either I steal that painting and have Spode and the police after me! Or I don't steal the painting and have Stilton Cheesewright break my spine! And then there's the matter of breaking of poor Madeline's wedding! She'll hate me! What are we going to do?" Bertie said, more nervous than he could ever remember. "I really wish Jeeves were here!"
"Nonsense!" Blackadder demanded, "We can figure this out without that fool, Jeeves!"
"But how?" Bertie asked. Blackadder said nothing.
"Sir," Baldrick said calmly, "I have a cunning plan that will solve all your problems!"
Bertie's eyes and face relaxed. A smile broke out on his face and he let himself fall into the sofa. "Ah, well, what a relief! That's settled!"
"I wouldn't get too excited, sir," said Blackadder, "Baldrick's idea of a cunning plan will no doubt be the stupidest idea since the American Indians said, 'These white men are probably very kind people! Let's invite them into our homes and make them a great big feast! I'm sure they won't slaughter us and take our land!'"
"This one really is cunning, Mr. B!" said Blackadder.
"Really? It doesn't happen to involve the three of us dressing up like pigeons, does it?" Blackadder said.
"Why yes, sir, it does! How'd you know?" Baldrick asked, looking completely stunned.
"Because, Baldrick, your last six 'cunning plans' have all involved us dressing as pigeons!" said Blackadder.
"Now, now, Blackadder! He may be as ugly and smelly as a French bulldog, but I'd like to hear what he has to say!" said Bertie.
"Thank you, sir!" said Baldrick.
"Very well! What's your brilliant plan, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, Mr. B., we have to get that painting for Lady Elizabeth, and we have to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett's wedding, right?" Baldrick started, "Well, how about we dress up like pigeons? Then, we sneak into Mr. Darling's room when no one's looking and swap the painting of Sir Roderick with a different painting of Sir Roderick in a compromising position. Then, we give the real painting to Lady Elizabeth. When Mr. Darling gives Sir Roderick his present, everyone will be so disgusted that they'll kick Mr. Darling out of the mansion and Miss Bassett will break off her engagement to him! Then, everybody is happy!"
"Oh, come now, Baldrick!" yelled Bertie, "What a foolish idea that is! Blackadder was right! You wouldn't know a cunning plan if it lived in your trousers!"
"Oh," said Baldrick, looking saddened.
"Actually," said Blackadder, "Aside from the dressing up as pigeons bit, that's not a bad plan at all! It solves both of your problems quite nicely. The only problem, Baldrick, is how will we manage to paint a portrait of Spode in such a short amount of time? After all, his party is tonight."
"Hmm. That is a tough one, Blackie!" said Bertie.
"Well, Mr. B, we could use the one that I found in the basement," Baldrick said.
Blackadder turned to Baldrick. "What?"
"Well, that's what I was trying to tell you before! While I was throwing out the trash, I got lost and ended up in the basement. That's where I found an amazing portrait of Sir Roderick in a very compromising position," Baldrick explained.
"Well, I must say, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "You've proven me wrong. That is an incredibly cunning plan. And it just might work! Sir, what do you think?"
"Well, I say let's do it!" said Bertie.
"Right! But first we'd better have a look at this painting you found, Baldrick," said Blackadder, "Take us to it."
"Take you to what, sir?" Baldrick asked.
"To the painting," Blackadder said, annoyed.
"But I told you, I don't know where it is! I only stumbled on it by accident anyway because I was lost! I won't be able to find it again!" Baldrick said.
"Baldrick, you'd better find it or else the tip of my shoe will 'accidentally stumble upon' your genitalia!" Blackadder demanded.
"Yes, sir, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, leading the pair out the door and starting down the hallway.