Chapter Nine
The Other Painting
After walking what seemed like a mile to Bertie, finally, they came to the painting in the basement. It was a well-lit portrait of Sir Roderick, nude and in a very disturbing position. Bertie's face showed total disgust. "Who on Earth would draw such a thing? You sure you don't know who painted it, Baldrick?"
"No, sir! It was just sitting in here when I stumbled upon it," Baldrick answered.
"Who is that other person in the picture?" Bertie asked.
Blackadder answered, "If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe that that is none other than..." A loud crash interrupted Blackadder. They quickly covered the painting with a nearby sheet and headed towards the noise. A figure was moving towards them in the darkness. They could not tell who it was. Blackadder whispered, "Not a word about this, Baldrick! Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. B," said Baldrick.
A voice emerged from the darkness. "Bertie, is that you down there? I need to speak with you," it said. There could be no mistake that that high-pitched flowery voice belonged to Miss Madeline Bassett.
Bertie stood, silent.
"Say something!" Blackadder whispered. But Bertie just stood there silently. Blackadder nudged him hard in the side with his elbow.
"Ow! Ah, I mean, yes! What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie stammered.
"What are you doing down there, Bertie?" Madeline asked.
"I was...ah..." Bertie struggled to think of a good cover, "I was hiding Spode's birthday present! Wouldn't want him to snoop around in my room and find it, now would I?"
"Oh! That is so clever, Bertie!" screeched Madeline, stepping forward, "May I see it?"
"No!" Bertie yelled, panicking.
"Why not?" Madeline asked.
Suddenly a glass neck slid into Bertie's hand. "I mean, yes! Here it is, Madeline! A wonderful bottle of fine French wine!" He showed the bottle to Madeline, stepping out of the darkness.
"Oh that is nice, Bertie!" said Madeline. Then, switching tones, she said, "Bertie, I need to speak with you. Come take a walk with me, will you?"
"Ah, yes, Madeline. Just let me return the bottle to its hiding spot," Bertie said, making his way back to the painting, Blackadder, and Baldrick. He whispered, "Here, Blackadder. You take the wine bottle and the painting up to the room. I'll meet you up there in an hour and we can go and swap the paintings."
"Very good, sir," said Blackadder, "I shall do my best to find a way to distract Darling and get him out of his room long enough for us to make the switch. You handle Miss Bassett." Blackadder handed the bottle of wine to Baldrick to carry.
"Alright! I'll see you all later," Bertie said, leaving to go walk with Madeline. Blackadder and Baldrick remained behind.
Blackadder starred at Baldrick. "Balders, that was truly an exceptionally cunning plan, I must say," he said.
"Well, thank you Mr. B. I was most proud of it myself."
"Yes. You've never really had a great thought before have you?"
"Well, there was the time when Master Flashheart's doorbell was broken and I used his cat to replace it!"
"Yes, but I mean other than plans which result in the brutal murder of innocent household pets," Blackadder sneered, "In fact, Balders, this was the first time you've ever had an intelligent thought in your entire life."
"My mum would be so proud!"
Blackadder suddenly stood up straight and grabbed Baldrick's collar, "Oh, can it, Baldrick! I know you couldn't possibly have come up with that plan all by yourself! It's too cunning, even for me!"
"Well, I did have a bit of help, sir."
"From whom?"
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I've been sworn to celibacy!"
"That's what every poor slob who can't get any says, Baldrick! But what does that have to do with anything?"
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I promised!"
"Oh, you mean secrecy!"
"Yes, sir! I've been sworn to secrecy! I can't tell!"
"Baldrick, let me put it this way," Blackadder said, taking the bottle of wine from Baldrick, "If you don't tell me where you got that plan from, I will give you enough material to write a four hundred page book entitled, '1,000 Things to Do with a Bottle that Don't Involve Drinking!' Now, who helped you with that plan, Baldrick?"
Baldrick gulped. He knew he couldn't refuse now. "This way, Mr. B." He led Blackadder out of the basement.
* * * *
Outside Totleigh Towers, Bertie Wooster and Madeline Bassett strolled along the grass. "Aren't the flowers pretty today, Bertie?" Madeline asked.
"Well, yes, I suppose," Bertie replied.
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could be flowers, Bertie? Just sitting out in the sun all day without a care in the world!"
"Well, except someone stepping on them, I suppose," Bertie joked.
"Oh, Bertie!" Madeline said, looking sad, "That must be how you're feeling, isn't it?"
Bertie was as confused as ever. "What?' Madeline led them to a bench and they sat down.
"You don't have to hide your feelings from me, Bertie! I know it must be torture for you!"
"But I don't even..."
"You don't have to explain, Bertie. I know," Madeline interrupted, "First I am set to marry Augustus, then Sir Roderick, and then when you thought you had finally won me, I become engaged to Kevin Darling!"
Suddenly Bertie understood. Madeline was once again under the grand delusion that he, Bertie, was secretly infatuated with her. "Now, Madeline..."
She interrupted him again, "You don't need to say it, Bertie! I know how I've hurt you! But please don't take it personally. Yes, I am in love with Kevin Darling, and we are getting married. But Bertie, if by some unfortunate disaster our engagement is cut off, I promise that I will be all yours! I promise you, Bertie!"
"Well, I...uh..." Bertie tried to say something, but Madeline planted a kiss on his cheek and headed back to the house, leaving Bertie alone to contemplate what had just happened. After sitting out there for quite a while, suddenly it hit him. He sat up with a start. If he went ahead with Baldrick's plan, Kevin Darling would be out of Madeline's life. That would leave Bertie stuck with the daunting task of marrying Madeline. There would be no way out of it! And if he didn't go ahead with the plan, he would have to face Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha, not to mention Stilton Cheesewright. This was a terrible mess. He would have to talk with Blackadder about this immediately. He got up off the bench and headed towards the back porch. There, he found his old valet, Jeeves cleaning up.
"Hello, sir," Jeeves said.
"Hello, Jeeves," said Bertie in a sullen tone.
"What seems to be the matter, sir?" Jeeves asked.
"Women, Jeeves!"
"Sir?"
"Miss Madeline Bassett has once again got it into her head that yours truly is madly in love with her!"
"Oh, dear, sir. Surely, that's not a problem now that she's engaged to Mr. Darling, sir."
"Yes, well, she won't be for much longer, Jeeves."
"Sir?"
"Well, I probably shouldn't tell you, Jeeves. You being his valet and all."
"Very well, sir, but I can be quite trustworthy, sir. I wouldn't tell him."
"Aunt Agatha and Spode. They called me here just to work out a scheme to break up your new master and Miss Bassett. That's why they were so insistent on me being here, Jeeves."
"Oh, dear. How upsetting, sir."
"And now, if I break them up, I'll be stuck engaged to that ninny again!"
"Most distressing, sir. I do wish I could lend you some assistance, but unfortunately I am..."
"Yes, I know, Jeeves. You are no longer my valet. Darling is your master now. I understand."
"Yes, sir."
"Well, maybe old Blackadder can get me out of this," Bertie said.
"I do hope so, sir," said Jeeves.
"Well, I'll see you tonight at the party, Jeeves," Bertie said, turning to head in.
"I look forward to it immensely, sir," Jeeves said. When Bertie was inside and out of sight, Jeeves sat down at a table. He took a pencil out of his pocket along with a telegram. At the top, he wrote "Michael Kranton, Ganymede Club." He turned it over and began writing his message.
The Other Painting
After walking what seemed like a mile to Bertie, finally, they came to the painting in the basement. It was a well-lit portrait of Sir Roderick, nude and in a very disturbing position. Bertie's face showed total disgust. "Who on Earth would draw such a thing? You sure you don't know who painted it, Baldrick?"
"No, sir! It was just sitting in here when I stumbled upon it," Baldrick answered.
"Who is that other person in the picture?" Bertie asked.
Blackadder answered, "If I'm not mistaken, sir, I believe that that is none other than..." A loud crash interrupted Blackadder. They quickly covered the painting with a nearby sheet and headed towards the noise. A figure was moving towards them in the darkness. They could not tell who it was. Blackadder whispered, "Not a word about this, Baldrick! Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. B," said Baldrick.
A voice emerged from the darkness. "Bertie, is that you down there? I need to speak with you," it said. There could be no mistake that that high-pitched flowery voice belonged to Miss Madeline Bassett.
Bertie stood, silent.
"Say something!" Blackadder whispered. But Bertie just stood there silently. Blackadder nudged him hard in the side with his elbow.
"Ow! Ah, I mean, yes! What-ho, Madeline?" Bertie stammered.
"What are you doing down there, Bertie?" Madeline asked.
"I was...ah..." Bertie struggled to think of a good cover, "I was hiding Spode's birthday present! Wouldn't want him to snoop around in my room and find it, now would I?"
"Oh! That is so clever, Bertie!" screeched Madeline, stepping forward, "May I see it?"
"No!" Bertie yelled, panicking.
"Why not?" Madeline asked.
Suddenly a glass neck slid into Bertie's hand. "I mean, yes! Here it is, Madeline! A wonderful bottle of fine French wine!" He showed the bottle to Madeline, stepping out of the darkness.
"Oh that is nice, Bertie!" said Madeline. Then, switching tones, she said, "Bertie, I need to speak with you. Come take a walk with me, will you?"
"Ah, yes, Madeline. Just let me return the bottle to its hiding spot," Bertie said, making his way back to the painting, Blackadder, and Baldrick. He whispered, "Here, Blackadder. You take the wine bottle and the painting up to the room. I'll meet you up there in an hour and we can go and swap the paintings."
"Very good, sir," said Blackadder, "I shall do my best to find a way to distract Darling and get him out of his room long enough for us to make the switch. You handle Miss Bassett." Blackadder handed the bottle of wine to Baldrick to carry.
"Alright! I'll see you all later," Bertie said, leaving to go walk with Madeline. Blackadder and Baldrick remained behind.
Blackadder starred at Baldrick. "Balders, that was truly an exceptionally cunning plan, I must say," he said.
"Well, thank you Mr. B. I was most proud of it myself."
"Yes. You've never really had a great thought before have you?"
"Well, there was the time when Master Flashheart's doorbell was broken and I used his cat to replace it!"
"Yes, but I mean other than plans which result in the brutal murder of innocent household pets," Blackadder sneered, "In fact, Balders, this was the first time you've ever had an intelligent thought in your entire life."
"My mum would be so proud!"
Blackadder suddenly stood up straight and grabbed Baldrick's collar, "Oh, can it, Baldrick! I know you couldn't possibly have come up with that plan all by yourself! It's too cunning, even for me!"
"Well, I did have a bit of help, sir."
"From whom?"
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I've been sworn to celibacy!"
"That's what every poor slob who can't get any says, Baldrick! But what does that have to do with anything?"
"I can't tell you, Mr. B! I promised!"
"Oh, you mean secrecy!"
"Yes, sir! I've been sworn to secrecy! I can't tell!"
"Baldrick, let me put it this way," Blackadder said, taking the bottle of wine from Baldrick, "If you don't tell me where you got that plan from, I will give you enough material to write a four hundred page book entitled, '1,000 Things to Do with a Bottle that Don't Involve Drinking!' Now, who helped you with that plan, Baldrick?"
Baldrick gulped. He knew he couldn't refuse now. "This way, Mr. B." He led Blackadder out of the basement.
* * * *
Outside Totleigh Towers, Bertie Wooster and Madeline Bassett strolled along the grass. "Aren't the flowers pretty today, Bertie?" Madeline asked.
"Well, yes, I suppose," Bertie replied.
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could be flowers, Bertie? Just sitting out in the sun all day without a care in the world!"
"Well, except someone stepping on them, I suppose," Bertie joked.
"Oh, Bertie!" Madeline said, looking sad, "That must be how you're feeling, isn't it?"
Bertie was as confused as ever. "What?' Madeline led them to a bench and they sat down.
"You don't have to hide your feelings from me, Bertie! I know it must be torture for you!"
"But I don't even..."
"You don't have to explain, Bertie. I know," Madeline interrupted, "First I am set to marry Augustus, then Sir Roderick, and then when you thought you had finally won me, I become engaged to Kevin Darling!"
Suddenly Bertie understood. Madeline was once again under the grand delusion that he, Bertie, was secretly infatuated with her. "Now, Madeline..."
She interrupted him again, "You don't need to say it, Bertie! I know how I've hurt you! But please don't take it personally. Yes, I am in love with Kevin Darling, and we are getting married. But Bertie, if by some unfortunate disaster our engagement is cut off, I promise that I will be all yours! I promise you, Bertie!"
"Well, I...uh..." Bertie tried to say something, but Madeline planted a kiss on his cheek and headed back to the house, leaving Bertie alone to contemplate what had just happened. After sitting out there for quite a while, suddenly it hit him. He sat up with a start. If he went ahead with Baldrick's plan, Kevin Darling would be out of Madeline's life. That would leave Bertie stuck with the daunting task of marrying Madeline. There would be no way out of it! And if he didn't go ahead with the plan, he would have to face Spode, Watkyn, and Aunt Agatha, not to mention Stilton Cheesewright. This was a terrible mess. He would have to talk with Blackadder about this immediately. He got up off the bench and headed towards the back porch. There, he found his old valet, Jeeves cleaning up.
"Hello, sir," Jeeves said.
"Hello, Jeeves," said Bertie in a sullen tone.
"What seems to be the matter, sir?" Jeeves asked.
"Women, Jeeves!"
"Sir?"
"Miss Madeline Bassett has once again got it into her head that yours truly is madly in love with her!"
"Oh, dear, sir. Surely, that's not a problem now that she's engaged to Mr. Darling, sir."
"Yes, well, she won't be for much longer, Jeeves."
"Sir?"
"Well, I probably shouldn't tell you, Jeeves. You being his valet and all."
"Very well, sir, but I can be quite trustworthy, sir. I wouldn't tell him."
"Aunt Agatha and Spode. They called me here just to work out a scheme to break up your new master and Miss Bassett. That's why they were so insistent on me being here, Jeeves."
"Oh, dear. How upsetting, sir."
"And now, if I break them up, I'll be stuck engaged to that ninny again!"
"Most distressing, sir. I do wish I could lend you some assistance, but unfortunately I am..."
"Yes, I know, Jeeves. You are no longer my valet. Darling is your master now. I understand."
"Yes, sir."
"Well, maybe old Blackadder can get me out of this," Bertie said.
"I do hope so, sir," said Jeeves.
"Well, I'll see you tonight at the party, Jeeves," Bertie said, turning to head in.
"I look forward to it immensely, sir," Jeeves said. When Bertie was inside and out of sight, Jeeves sat down at a table. He took a pencil out of his pocket along with a telegram. At the top, he wrote "Michael Kranton, Ganymede Club." He turned it over and began writing his message.