Chapter Ten
Operation Switcheroo
Bertie came into the room to find Blackadder setting the bottle of wine on the table by Bertie's bed. "Well, Blackie, we've got a serious problem. I don't know if..."
"You're bloody well right, we do!" Blackadder interrupted, "We only have a very short window of opportunity! I told Darling that there's a massive special on puffy shirts in town. As soon as he's discovered that I've misled him, he'll be back here. We need to swap those paintings before he gets back!"
Forgetting about the trouble with Madeline, Bertie said, "Right! Well, at least let me get into my suit so I'll be ready for the party!" Bertie went into his room and moments later emerged wearing the same yellow and blue striped suit that Jeeves had scoffed at a few days earlier. Blackadder rolled his eyes, but knew better than to say anything. Bertie said, "Let's go! Wait! Where's Baldrick?" The door to the bathroom opened, and Baldrick emerged with a gray rug tied around his body, a yellow, plastic funnel secured to his face, and a hat full of feathers sitting on his head.
Blackadder looked at him, utterly annoyed. "Explain."
"It's my pigeon costume, Mr. B!" said Baldrick through the funnel.
"Of course!" Blackadder said, sarcastically. "Look, git! Take that stupid thing off! We don't need to be dressed like pigeons to switch a couple of paintings. Besides, that pathetic disguise wouldn't fool the stupidest man on the planet, Baldrick!"
"Oh..." said Bertie with amazement, "That was Baldrick? I had no idea! Good show, Balders!"
"I stand corrected," Blackadder admitted, rolling his eyes in disgust. "Come on, let's go!" Blackadder grabbed the painting, which was now wrapped securely in brown paper and covered in a white sheet in case anybody spotted them in the hallways. Bertie and Baldrick followed in their ridiculous costumes.
* * * *
In the living room, Gussie Finknottle sat talking with Sir Roderick and Stilton Cheesewright, when Jeeves approached him and whispered in his ear. At the whispering, Gussie got up, saying, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but there's something I must take care of. I'll see you all later." Gussie got up and left the room, leaving Spode and Stilton alone.
After Jeeves had left the room as well, Stilton said, "I wonder what that was all about." Spode looked disinterested. "I'll bet it has something to do with that fool, Wooster"
* * * *
Blackadder reached behind the dresser and pulled out the wrapped portrait. Bertie took the painting from him and gave him the one that Baldrick had found in the basement. Wrapping the actual painting in the white sheet, Bertie headed to the door, followed by Baldrick and Blackadder. Before he exited, he handed the painting to Baldrick to carry so that Bertie could have peak in the hallway. "All's clear!" said Bertie.
"Well, that went easier than we planned it! Good job, Baldrick! A superb plan, that one!" said Blackadder. "Now, let's just get this thing to Lady Elizabeth, shall we?" They headed down the hallway. From the opposite direction, they heard someone call.
"Bertie! I need to speak with you!" called Gussie Finknottle. It was easy for Gussie to spot Bertie in the colorfully odd outfit.
"Blast! We can't let him see the painting, Blackadder!" Bertie said. Blackadder said, "Just pretend you didn't hear him and let's hurry!" Walking at a quick pace now, they walked down the hallway and turned the corner. They came to a point in the hall that broke into two separate hallways; one leading left to Bertie's room and the other leading right to Lady Elizabeth's room. Blackadder looked at Bertie and Baldrick. "You two go down to Lady Elizabeth's room and giver her the painting. I'll hold off Finknottle!" And so they did.
As Gussie rounded the corner, he caught a glimpse of Bertie's bizarre outfit again. "Excuse me, Mr. Blackadder, why is Bertie in such a hurry?"
"I couldn't say, sir," Blackadder lied, "Perhaps I can help you?"
"Well, no. Jeeves said that Bertie needed to see me immediately."
"Oh, he did, did he?" Blackadder said in an irritated voice, "Well, if you see that blasted fool again you can tell him that he'd better stop sticking his nose where it doesn't belong unless he wants me to shove a chandelier so far up his nose that you could stick a handle on his head and use him as a lantern!"
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I really need to speak with Bertie," said Gussie, continuing on.
Meanwhile, Bertie and Baldrick had reached Lady Elizabeth's room. "You'd better go in there yourself, Baldrick. I can't be seen with Lady Elizabeth or Stilton will have my neck!"
Baldrick knocked on the door, while Bertie stood out of sight. Lady Elizabeth opened the door. "Oh! You've brought the painting! Quick, bring it in before someone sees you!" Inside the room, she took the painting from Baldrick and unwrapped it. "Oh, it's even more wonderful up close! Thank you so much, Mr...."
"Baldrick, Miss," Baldrick said.
"It's absolutely marvelous, Baldrick! It looks just like a pile of cutesy little rats on an itty-bitty hill, doesn't it? I just love rats, don't you?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes, actually. Some of my best friends are rats," said Baldrick.
Elizabeth giggled an inanely stupid giggle. "Oh, you're funny, Baldrick! And you're incredibly brave for stealing this picture for me all by yourself!"
"Well, actually..." Baldrick started, interrupted by the entrance of Nursie from another room.
"Oh! What's that? A giant pigeon?" Nursie said, pointing at Baldrick.
"It's my brave knight, Baldrick, Nursie," said Elizabeth. She turned to Baldrick. "Isn't Nursie stupid, Baldrick?"
"Yes, she is, Miss. It's nice to have someone around who's stupider than me," Baldrick answered.
Outside the room, Bertie heard footsteps coming toward him, and a call from Gussie, "Bertie?" He sounded like he was just around the corner now. Bertie couldn't let him see him. He would not be able to explain what he was doing there. Bertie turned around. He was at the end of the hallway. There was nowhere to turn. Suddenly, Jeeves emerged from the study that was on the opposite side of the hallway from Elizabeth's room.
Bertie whispered, "Jeeves, I need to get out of here! What should I do?" Jeeves said nothing, but motioned towards the window. "Of course!" said Bertie. He quickly went to the window and climbed out to the ledge. There was just enough of a ledge that he would be able to safely make his way across the side of the building and to his own room.
Back in the hallway, Gussie came down the hallway to find Jeeves standing near the door to the study. Gussie said, "Jeeves, did you see where Bertie went?" Jeeves motioned again, without speaking. This time, he pointed to the door of Elizabeth Finknottle's room. "He's in my sister's room?" Jeeves nodded.
Inside the room, Elizabeth was saying, "Oh, Baldrick!" Gussie put his ear to the door. "You are so much funnier than old Stilton. He's always so grouchy! But you! You are brave and strong and incredibly funny! And you like rats as much as I do! In fact, I think I think I would like to marry you instead of that stupid loud mouth, Stilton! Yes, that's what I'll do! However, I do insist that you get rid of that ridiculous costume!" Of course, Elizabeth was referring to Baldrick's pigeon costume, but Gussie, who had spotted Bertie's blue and yellow striped suit, immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. He pulled his ear from the door and headed back down the way he came. Jeeves watched him go, with a smug smirk planted on his face. Meanwhile, Bertie continued to make his way across the ledge to his own room.
Blackadder rounded the corner and confronted Jeeves. "So, are you enjoying yourself?" he demanded.
"I don't know what you mean, Blackadder," said Jeeves.
"You know damn well what I mean, Jeeves! You sent that newt-fancier up here so he would catch us, didn't you?" Blackadder said.
"That would appear to be the case, wouldn't it, Blackadder," Jeeves replied.
"Don't be smug with me! I know all your little tricks, Jeeves! You may fool the rest of these gits, but to me you're about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside!" Blackadder stopped and looked around. "Where's that fool, Wooster?"
"By now, he should be nearing his room from the ledge just outside this window," Jeeves said.
"WOOSTER!" They heard the call of a very angry Stilton Cheesewright. Though Stilton was far off, he sounded as if he had taken up permanent residence inside Blackadder's ear.
"Oh my god! Baldrick!" Blackadder knocked on the door to Lady Elizabeth's door. When it opened, he grabbed Baldrick and dragged him out and down the hall towards Bertie's room. They were quick enough to round the corner just in time to miss Stilton. A moment later, Stilton came storming down the hallway toward Jeeves.
"Where's Wooster?" he demanded.
"I'm afraid that you just missed him, sir," said Jeeves as calmly as ever, "He has just retreated back to his room." With that, Stilton reversed direction and hurried down the hallway towards Bertie's room. Jeeves smiled broadly now. Mission accomplished, he thought.
On the ledge, just outside his bedroom, Bertie clambered to reach the window. His fingertips could touch the windowsill, but he couldn't get a grip enough to pull himself up. He perched one foot on a crack in the wall and tried to climb a little bit higher, just high enough to grab onto the windowsill. Just as he had grabbed on, his foot slipped along with his hands and he had to struggle to keep from falling off the ledge entirely. A dog emerged from around the corner. One of Sir Watkyn's basset hounds. The dog looked up at Bertie and barked. Panicked, Bertie called down to the dog, "Shut up, you stupid mutt!"
Inside Bertie's room the door shook with the ferocious pound of Stilton Cheesewright's fist. Blackadder said, "Baldrick, get this mess cleaned up!" Baldrick scrambled to gather his pigeon costume and set them next to the bottle of wine for Spode into Bertie's bedroom.
"Shut up, stupid dog!" is what Baldrick heard coming from the window. He made his way to the window, as the pounding on the door became stronger. He saw Bertie Wooster trying desperately to reach the window.
"Hold on, Mr. Wooster!" said Baldrick, "I'll get Mr. B!" Baldrick left the bedroom, leaving Bertie hanging on for his life.
"YOU'D BETTER OPEN THIS DOOR, BERTIE! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Stilton hollered through the door.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but Mr. Wooster is not in his room at the moment," Blackadder said through the door.
"Don't play mind games with me, Blackadder! Jeeves told me he saw Bertie come back this way!" Stilton demanded, "Now open up!"
Baldrick tugged on Blackadder's sleeve, "Actually, Mr. B, Mr. Wooster is right outside the window."
"He's what?" Blackadder said, moving across the room and into Bertie's bedroom.
Finally, Bertie had a firm grip on the windowsill. The dog below growled, but Bertie didn't pay it any attention as he pulled one arm and then the other up to the window. He hung right in front of the window now. As he reached his right leg up, the window shut quickly, causing Bertie to lose balance and fall, back first, into the bushes below. Inside, Blackadder heard the furious growl of the dog and the faint scream of the Wooster. He closed and locked the window securely, fastening it with a pad lock, before returning to the door.
"LET ME IN!" Stilton called. A moment later, Blackadder opened the door, casually.
"May I be of service, Mr. Cheesewright?" Blackadder said.
"Where is he? Where is that Wooster? I'll kill him! Where is he?" Stilton demanded.
"Well," said Blackadder, "Actually, he's in his bedroom, taking a nap." Blackadder pointed to the bedroom. Without hesitation, Stilton barged into the bedroom. Pulling back the covers from the bed, he saw a gray rug, a yellow funnel, and a hat of feathers. He stood stupefied for a moment, and then proceeded to check the closets in the room. Meanwhile, Blackadder shut the door and locked it quickly and quietly enough that Stilton didn't realize he had been locked in until a few minutes later.
"Mr. B, why did you lock Mr. Cheesewright in the bedroom?" asked Baldrick. "Because, Baldrick, that man is just mad enough to blow our whole plan!" Blackadder explained, "I haven't seen a man that mad since Mad Mooney, the Mad Madman from Madagascar. We'll just keep him locked up until after the party tonight. Then, we'll let him out and make a run for it! I for one can't wait to get out of this mansion. This place is filled with more nuts than the Wesley twins on Christmas Day."
Operation Switcheroo
Bertie came into the room to find Blackadder setting the bottle of wine on the table by Bertie's bed. "Well, Blackie, we've got a serious problem. I don't know if..."
"You're bloody well right, we do!" Blackadder interrupted, "We only have a very short window of opportunity! I told Darling that there's a massive special on puffy shirts in town. As soon as he's discovered that I've misled him, he'll be back here. We need to swap those paintings before he gets back!"
Forgetting about the trouble with Madeline, Bertie said, "Right! Well, at least let me get into my suit so I'll be ready for the party!" Bertie went into his room and moments later emerged wearing the same yellow and blue striped suit that Jeeves had scoffed at a few days earlier. Blackadder rolled his eyes, but knew better than to say anything. Bertie said, "Let's go! Wait! Where's Baldrick?" The door to the bathroom opened, and Baldrick emerged with a gray rug tied around his body, a yellow, plastic funnel secured to his face, and a hat full of feathers sitting on his head.
Blackadder looked at him, utterly annoyed. "Explain."
"It's my pigeon costume, Mr. B!" said Baldrick through the funnel.
"Of course!" Blackadder said, sarcastically. "Look, git! Take that stupid thing off! We don't need to be dressed like pigeons to switch a couple of paintings. Besides, that pathetic disguise wouldn't fool the stupidest man on the planet, Baldrick!"
"Oh..." said Bertie with amazement, "That was Baldrick? I had no idea! Good show, Balders!"
"I stand corrected," Blackadder admitted, rolling his eyes in disgust. "Come on, let's go!" Blackadder grabbed the painting, which was now wrapped securely in brown paper and covered in a white sheet in case anybody spotted them in the hallways. Bertie and Baldrick followed in their ridiculous costumes.
* * * *
In the living room, Gussie Finknottle sat talking with Sir Roderick and Stilton Cheesewright, when Jeeves approached him and whispered in his ear. At the whispering, Gussie got up, saying, "Excuse me, gentlemen, but there's something I must take care of. I'll see you all later." Gussie got up and left the room, leaving Spode and Stilton alone.
After Jeeves had left the room as well, Stilton said, "I wonder what that was all about." Spode looked disinterested. "I'll bet it has something to do with that fool, Wooster"
* * * *
Blackadder reached behind the dresser and pulled out the wrapped portrait. Bertie took the painting from him and gave him the one that Baldrick had found in the basement. Wrapping the actual painting in the white sheet, Bertie headed to the door, followed by Baldrick and Blackadder. Before he exited, he handed the painting to Baldrick to carry so that Bertie could have peak in the hallway. "All's clear!" said Bertie.
"Well, that went easier than we planned it! Good job, Baldrick! A superb plan, that one!" said Blackadder. "Now, let's just get this thing to Lady Elizabeth, shall we?" They headed down the hallway. From the opposite direction, they heard someone call.
"Bertie! I need to speak with you!" called Gussie Finknottle. It was easy for Gussie to spot Bertie in the colorfully odd outfit.
"Blast! We can't let him see the painting, Blackadder!" Bertie said. Blackadder said, "Just pretend you didn't hear him and let's hurry!" Walking at a quick pace now, they walked down the hallway and turned the corner. They came to a point in the hall that broke into two separate hallways; one leading left to Bertie's room and the other leading right to Lady Elizabeth's room. Blackadder looked at Bertie and Baldrick. "You two go down to Lady Elizabeth's room and giver her the painting. I'll hold off Finknottle!" And so they did.
As Gussie rounded the corner, he caught a glimpse of Bertie's bizarre outfit again. "Excuse me, Mr. Blackadder, why is Bertie in such a hurry?"
"I couldn't say, sir," Blackadder lied, "Perhaps I can help you?"
"Well, no. Jeeves said that Bertie needed to see me immediately."
"Oh, he did, did he?" Blackadder said in an irritated voice, "Well, if you see that blasted fool again you can tell him that he'd better stop sticking his nose where it doesn't belong unless he wants me to shove a chandelier so far up his nose that you could stick a handle on his head and use him as a lantern!"
"Well, if you'll excuse me, I really need to speak with Bertie," said Gussie, continuing on.
Meanwhile, Bertie and Baldrick had reached Lady Elizabeth's room. "You'd better go in there yourself, Baldrick. I can't be seen with Lady Elizabeth or Stilton will have my neck!"
Baldrick knocked on the door, while Bertie stood out of sight. Lady Elizabeth opened the door. "Oh! You've brought the painting! Quick, bring it in before someone sees you!" Inside the room, she took the painting from Baldrick and unwrapped it. "Oh, it's even more wonderful up close! Thank you so much, Mr...."
"Baldrick, Miss," Baldrick said.
"It's absolutely marvelous, Baldrick! It looks just like a pile of cutesy little rats on an itty-bitty hill, doesn't it? I just love rats, don't you?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes, actually. Some of my best friends are rats," said Baldrick.
Elizabeth giggled an inanely stupid giggle. "Oh, you're funny, Baldrick! And you're incredibly brave for stealing this picture for me all by yourself!"
"Well, actually..." Baldrick started, interrupted by the entrance of Nursie from another room.
"Oh! What's that? A giant pigeon?" Nursie said, pointing at Baldrick.
"It's my brave knight, Baldrick, Nursie," said Elizabeth. She turned to Baldrick. "Isn't Nursie stupid, Baldrick?"
"Yes, she is, Miss. It's nice to have someone around who's stupider than me," Baldrick answered.
Outside the room, Bertie heard footsteps coming toward him, and a call from Gussie, "Bertie?" He sounded like he was just around the corner now. Bertie couldn't let him see him. He would not be able to explain what he was doing there. Bertie turned around. He was at the end of the hallway. There was nowhere to turn. Suddenly, Jeeves emerged from the study that was on the opposite side of the hallway from Elizabeth's room.
Bertie whispered, "Jeeves, I need to get out of here! What should I do?" Jeeves said nothing, but motioned towards the window. "Of course!" said Bertie. He quickly went to the window and climbed out to the ledge. There was just enough of a ledge that he would be able to safely make his way across the side of the building and to his own room.
Back in the hallway, Gussie came down the hallway to find Jeeves standing near the door to the study. Gussie said, "Jeeves, did you see where Bertie went?" Jeeves motioned again, without speaking. This time, he pointed to the door of Elizabeth Finknottle's room. "He's in my sister's room?" Jeeves nodded.
Inside the room, Elizabeth was saying, "Oh, Baldrick!" Gussie put his ear to the door. "You are so much funnier than old Stilton. He's always so grouchy! But you! You are brave and strong and incredibly funny! And you like rats as much as I do! In fact, I think I think I would like to marry you instead of that stupid loud mouth, Stilton! Yes, that's what I'll do! However, I do insist that you get rid of that ridiculous costume!" Of course, Elizabeth was referring to Baldrick's pigeon costume, but Gussie, who had spotted Bertie's blue and yellow striped suit, immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. He pulled his ear from the door and headed back down the way he came. Jeeves watched him go, with a smug smirk planted on his face. Meanwhile, Bertie continued to make his way across the ledge to his own room.
Blackadder rounded the corner and confronted Jeeves. "So, are you enjoying yourself?" he demanded.
"I don't know what you mean, Blackadder," said Jeeves.
"You know damn well what I mean, Jeeves! You sent that newt-fancier up here so he would catch us, didn't you?" Blackadder said.
"That would appear to be the case, wouldn't it, Blackadder," Jeeves replied.
"Don't be smug with me! I know all your little tricks, Jeeves! You may fool the rest of these gits, but to me you're about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside!" Blackadder stopped and looked around. "Where's that fool, Wooster?"
"By now, he should be nearing his room from the ledge just outside this window," Jeeves said.
"WOOSTER!" They heard the call of a very angry Stilton Cheesewright. Though Stilton was far off, he sounded as if he had taken up permanent residence inside Blackadder's ear.
"Oh my god! Baldrick!" Blackadder knocked on the door to Lady Elizabeth's door. When it opened, he grabbed Baldrick and dragged him out and down the hall towards Bertie's room. They were quick enough to round the corner just in time to miss Stilton. A moment later, Stilton came storming down the hallway toward Jeeves.
"Where's Wooster?" he demanded.
"I'm afraid that you just missed him, sir," said Jeeves as calmly as ever, "He has just retreated back to his room." With that, Stilton reversed direction and hurried down the hallway towards Bertie's room. Jeeves smiled broadly now. Mission accomplished, he thought.
On the ledge, just outside his bedroom, Bertie clambered to reach the window. His fingertips could touch the windowsill, but he couldn't get a grip enough to pull himself up. He perched one foot on a crack in the wall and tried to climb a little bit higher, just high enough to grab onto the windowsill. Just as he had grabbed on, his foot slipped along with his hands and he had to struggle to keep from falling off the ledge entirely. A dog emerged from around the corner. One of Sir Watkyn's basset hounds. The dog looked up at Bertie and barked. Panicked, Bertie called down to the dog, "Shut up, you stupid mutt!"
Inside Bertie's room the door shook with the ferocious pound of Stilton Cheesewright's fist. Blackadder said, "Baldrick, get this mess cleaned up!" Baldrick scrambled to gather his pigeon costume and set them next to the bottle of wine for Spode into Bertie's bedroom.
"Shut up, stupid dog!" is what Baldrick heard coming from the window. He made his way to the window, as the pounding on the door became stronger. He saw Bertie Wooster trying desperately to reach the window.
"Hold on, Mr. Wooster!" said Baldrick, "I'll get Mr. B!" Baldrick left the bedroom, leaving Bertie hanging on for his life.
"YOU'D BETTER OPEN THIS DOOR, BERTIE! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!" Stilton hollered through the door.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but Mr. Wooster is not in his room at the moment," Blackadder said through the door.
"Don't play mind games with me, Blackadder! Jeeves told me he saw Bertie come back this way!" Stilton demanded, "Now open up!"
Baldrick tugged on Blackadder's sleeve, "Actually, Mr. B, Mr. Wooster is right outside the window."
"He's what?" Blackadder said, moving across the room and into Bertie's bedroom.
Finally, Bertie had a firm grip on the windowsill. The dog below growled, but Bertie didn't pay it any attention as he pulled one arm and then the other up to the window. He hung right in front of the window now. As he reached his right leg up, the window shut quickly, causing Bertie to lose balance and fall, back first, into the bushes below. Inside, Blackadder heard the furious growl of the dog and the faint scream of the Wooster. He closed and locked the window securely, fastening it with a pad lock, before returning to the door.
"LET ME IN!" Stilton called. A moment later, Blackadder opened the door, casually.
"May I be of service, Mr. Cheesewright?" Blackadder said.
"Where is he? Where is that Wooster? I'll kill him! Where is he?" Stilton demanded.
"Well," said Blackadder, "Actually, he's in his bedroom, taking a nap." Blackadder pointed to the bedroom. Without hesitation, Stilton barged into the bedroom. Pulling back the covers from the bed, he saw a gray rug, a yellow funnel, and a hat of feathers. He stood stupefied for a moment, and then proceeded to check the closets in the room. Meanwhile, Blackadder shut the door and locked it quickly and quietly enough that Stilton didn't realize he had been locked in until a few minutes later.
"Mr. B, why did you lock Mr. Cheesewright in the bedroom?" asked Baldrick. "Because, Baldrick, that man is just mad enough to blow our whole plan!" Blackadder explained, "I haven't seen a man that mad since Mad Mooney, the Mad Madman from Madagascar. We'll just keep him locked up until after the party tonight. Then, we'll let him out and make a run for it! I for one can't wait to get out of this mansion. This place is filled with more nuts than the Wesley twins on Christmas Day."