Chapter 11
Nursie's Polecat
The small, gray car pulled up to the curb and stopped abruptly. A thin boy, who looked no more than 20 years old stepped out of the car and entered the Ganymede Club. Mrs. Miggins stopped the boy in his tracks.
"Ah, Bob! How good to see you again! Are you doing well?" Mrs. Miggins asked.
"Ah...yes!" said Bob.
"Well, how's about you entering my contest, then? All the men in the club are entering! The grand prize is 10,000 pounds!" Mrs. Miggins said.
"Well, no actually, I can't. I'm here to see Mr. Kranton," Bob said.
"Oh, yes, he's just in the other room, Bob," said Mrs. M. Without even a thank you, Bob went off into the other room to find Mr. Kranton talking with some chums of his.
"Mr. Kranton," Bob said, pulling him away from the others, "This telegram came for you. It looks quite important." He handed Mr. Kranton the telegram.
Michael Kranton read the telegram twice before reacting. "This is indeed a dire situation," he said, "Bob, I want you to take the car to this address." Kranton jotted an address down on the back of the telegram and handed it to Bob. "Tell him it's urgent and that he must come with you!"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Kranton," said Bob and he made a quick exit and started down the road.
* * * *
There was a knock at the door. Blackadder opened it to see Bertie Wooster, covered in mud and his new suit ripped to shreds. He had a very angry look on his face. "Do you know what happened to me, Blackadder?"
"Yes, sir, I believe I have a faint idea," Blackadder replied.
"No, Blackadder, I don't think you do! You see, when you shut that window on my face you sent me falling into a thorny bush, surrounded by two snarling, mangy Bassett hounds. I'm lucky to have gotten out alive, Mr. Thicky!" Bertie yelled.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but..." Blackadder began.
"Well, you bally well should be sorry, Mr. Black-Thicko! If I had wanted a valet who would try to have me killed I would have hired a German! Or better yet, that fool, Stilton Cheesewright!"
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" yelled a very loud man from behind Bertie's bedroom door.
Bertie looked at the door then at Blackadder, "Is that Stilton in there?"
"Yes, sir. He had come in here to kill you, so I took the liberty of locking him in your room to save your life. I had to shut the window to prevent him from attacking you, sir. If you'd like, I can open the door and let him out," Blackadder said.
"No, no. Well, I guess I owe you an apology, Blackie. I didn't know you were trying to save your wonderful master's life," Bertie said.
"No, sir, an apology is not necessary. All I desire is your safety," Blackadder lied, "Unless of course my heroic deeds might be worthy of a raise."
Bertie thought for a minute, and then said, "Well...yes, I suppose that's in order. All right! Time to get ready for Spode's birthday! Guess I'll go and wash up, then."
"The water in our room doesn't work, sir. Remember? You will have to go to the other guest room down the hall," Blackadder said.
"Oh, yes. Blast that stupid git, Tuppy, and his stupid Plumbo-Jumbo," Bertie said, "I'll be down the hall if you need me." With that, he left again.
Baldrick came out of the bathroom, dressed in a clean, pressed, brand-new black suit and tie. He was clean-shaven for the first time in his life. Blackadder looked shocked. "Baldrick? Where did you get that suit?"
"One of the butlers lent it to me, Mr. B," he replied, "I want to look nice for the party tonight."
"What makes you think you're coming? The last thing Sir Roderick needs at his birthday party is a complete prat who smells like he's just finished navigating his way out of a hippopotamus' bottom. What a disaster it would be if when he inhales some air with which to blow out his birthday candles, he sucks in some of your body odor and subsequently dies on his own birthday!"
"Oh, please, let me go sir! It's going to be so much fun!"
"No it isn't, Baldrick."
"What, you're not looking forward to it?"
"Not at all. It's going to be about as much fun as sitting through Reverend Melchett's three-hour sermon about how we're all going to roast in hell for the twenty-seventh time, only to discover that I've forgotten to hide my copy of 'The Best of French Pornography' in the pages of my bible. Why are you so keen on going anyway?" Baldrick just stood there with an inane grin on his face. "Oh, no. Don't tell me!"
"It's Lady Elizabeth, sir! She's the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm in love with her and I want to marry her!"
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god! Baldrick, you have about as much of a chance with Lady Elizabeth as I have of becoming Pope."
"Why do you say that?"
"You mean apart from the fact that you're a complete prat? Besides, Baldrick, even if by some miracle, Lady Elizabeth poked a fork in each of her eyes, had her nose chopped off, and went completely mad enough to fall in love with you, Stilton Cheesewright would kill you if you even looked at her!"
"But sir, he doesn't know my secret weapon!"
"Ah, yes, Baldrick. How could I forget? You have a stench powerful enough to wipe out the entire German army. Stilton is no match for that sort of..." He paused. "Hang on! That gives me an idea! Baldrick, I've got a plan and it's so cunning you could stick a motor on it and use it to mow the lawn!"
* * * *
Elsewhere in the mansion, Kevin Darling and Madeline Bassett had just returned. Darling was looking most perturbed by being made to drive all the way into town only to discover no puffy shirts whatsoever. "Jeeves!" he called as he saw his valet round the corner of the hallway.
"Welcome back, sir. How can I be of service to you?" said Jeeves.
"Well, you can tell me where that fool, Blackadder is, for starters! He told me there was a special on puffy shirts in town, and do you know what I did?"
"I'd venture to guess that you drove all the way into town and found that you had been lied to, sir," said Jeeves.
"Yes, that's exactly what happened! Where is that little good-for-nothing?"
"As I have told you, sir, you can not trust Mr. Blackadder. He is a vile, disgusting liar and a cheat! As much as I'd like to see you kick him out of this mansion, I'm afraid Sir Roderick's party is starting in just a half hour. We need to get you and your dear fiancŽe ready, sir," Jeeves said.
"Well, alright, I suppose you're right," said Darling, "We'll have to hold off on the maiming for now."
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, as the three proceeded down the hall.
Gussie Finknottle knocked on his sister's door. Nursie opened. "Oh, Lizzie, it's that handsome chap with the glasses!" she said.
Elizabeth came to the door, "You mean my brother, Nursie?"
"Oh, yes! That's right!" said Nursie.
"Are you ready, Elizabeth?" Gussie asked.
"Well, no actually! I can't seem to find Stilton anywhere! It's like he's vanished!" said Elizabeth.
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time something of yours had disappeared, now would it?" said Nursie, "I remember when you were a toddler you would always take off your clothes out in public for everyone to see! Always flashing the little boys at school and at the playground, you were. It's a good thing you don't do that anymore, or else..."
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth said, "Anyway, I don't really care where that fool, prat Stilton is. I've found a much funnier, more handsome fiancŽ anyway!"
"Oh, no, Elizabeth! Not Bertie!" said Gussie.
"No, of course not Bertie! He's a silly, soggy-brained git! I'm talking about his butler's servant, Baldrick. He's so wonderful, Gussie!" Elizabeth said.
"Well, if you say so, Elizabeth. Anyway, we'd better get going. Do you have your present for Spode?" Gussie asked, holding a small, wrapped box in his hand.
"Yes," said Elizabeth, retrieving a wrapped book from her table. "It's a book on modern British government." Jeeves, Madeline, and Kevin were approaching from down the hall.
"I, too, have a present for Sir Roderick," said Nursie, as she pulled a small wooden statue of a polecat out of a bag.
"What is that?" said Elizabeth.
"Why it's a polecat of course!" said Nursie.
"A what?" said Elizabeth.
"It's a polecat, miss," said Jeeves, stopping to help, "From the genus, 'mustela vormela,' the polecat is an animal related to but larger than the weasel. It can be found primarily in the woodlands of Europe, Asia, and North Africa. It is most easily identified by its brown fur and foul odor it emits when disturbed."
"And why on Earth do you think Sir Roderick wants a statue of that thing?" said Elizabeth, annoyed.
"Well, mum, you said he fancies polecats!" said Nursie.
"No, I didn't, Nursie,"
"Of course you did! You said he's very keen on polecats and once even ran for polecat office!" Nursie insisted.
"Politics, Nursie! Not polecats!" said Elizabeth, rolling her eyes.
"Oh," said Nursie.
"Nursie, you are as thick as..." Elizabeth stopped, trying desperately to come up with a suitable insult. "Jeeves, what is Nursie as thick as?"
"Well, miss, are you familiar with the animal, balaenoptera musculus? It is a marine animal with grooves along the throat that migrates between polar and equatorial seas. Weighing approximately 143.3 tons, and also known as the blue whale, it is the largest and heaviest animal known to man. The fin whale, or finback as it's often referred, is a baleen whale known for its prominent dorsal fin. Although nowhere near the incredible weight of the blue whale, it comes in at a striking 49.6 tons. If it were possible to cross breed such different animals, they would likely produce a very, large, wide animal, indeed. Capturing such an animal would require a craft of such enormous width and strength that has never before been built by man. I would venture to say that Nursie is as thick as that very craft, miss," Jeeves answered.
"Yes," Elizabeth said, looking very confused, "Well...we'd better get going to that party now." They all continued down the hallway and to the main hall. Nobody, however, noticed that Jeeves had departed from the group.
Nursie's Polecat
The small, gray car pulled up to the curb and stopped abruptly. A thin boy, who looked no more than 20 years old stepped out of the car and entered the Ganymede Club. Mrs. Miggins stopped the boy in his tracks.
"Ah, Bob! How good to see you again! Are you doing well?" Mrs. Miggins asked.
"Ah...yes!" said Bob.
"Well, how's about you entering my contest, then? All the men in the club are entering! The grand prize is 10,000 pounds!" Mrs. Miggins said.
"Well, no actually, I can't. I'm here to see Mr. Kranton," Bob said.
"Oh, yes, he's just in the other room, Bob," said Mrs. M. Without even a thank you, Bob went off into the other room to find Mr. Kranton talking with some chums of his.
"Mr. Kranton," Bob said, pulling him away from the others, "This telegram came for you. It looks quite important." He handed Mr. Kranton the telegram.
Michael Kranton read the telegram twice before reacting. "This is indeed a dire situation," he said, "Bob, I want you to take the car to this address." Kranton jotted an address down on the back of the telegram and handed it to Bob. "Tell him it's urgent and that he must come with you!"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Kranton," said Bob and he made a quick exit and started down the road.
* * * *
There was a knock at the door. Blackadder opened it to see Bertie Wooster, covered in mud and his new suit ripped to shreds. He had a very angry look on his face. "Do you know what happened to me, Blackadder?"
"Yes, sir, I believe I have a faint idea," Blackadder replied.
"No, Blackadder, I don't think you do! You see, when you shut that window on my face you sent me falling into a thorny bush, surrounded by two snarling, mangy Bassett hounds. I'm lucky to have gotten out alive, Mr. Thicky!" Bertie yelled.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but..." Blackadder began.
"Well, you bally well should be sorry, Mr. Black-Thicko! If I had wanted a valet who would try to have me killed I would have hired a German! Or better yet, that fool, Stilton Cheesewright!"
"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" yelled a very loud man from behind Bertie's bedroom door.
Bertie looked at the door then at Blackadder, "Is that Stilton in there?"
"Yes, sir. He had come in here to kill you, so I took the liberty of locking him in your room to save your life. I had to shut the window to prevent him from attacking you, sir. If you'd like, I can open the door and let him out," Blackadder said.
"No, no. Well, I guess I owe you an apology, Blackie. I didn't know you were trying to save your wonderful master's life," Bertie said.
"No, sir, an apology is not necessary. All I desire is your safety," Blackadder lied, "Unless of course my heroic deeds might be worthy of a raise."
Bertie thought for a minute, and then said, "Well...yes, I suppose that's in order. All right! Time to get ready for Spode's birthday! Guess I'll go and wash up, then."
"The water in our room doesn't work, sir. Remember? You will have to go to the other guest room down the hall," Blackadder said.
"Oh, yes. Blast that stupid git, Tuppy, and his stupid Plumbo-Jumbo," Bertie said, "I'll be down the hall if you need me." With that, he left again.
Baldrick came out of the bathroom, dressed in a clean, pressed, brand-new black suit and tie. He was clean-shaven for the first time in his life. Blackadder looked shocked. "Baldrick? Where did you get that suit?"
"One of the butlers lent it to me, Mr. B," he replied, "I want to look nice for the party tonight."
"What makes you think you're coming? The last thing Sir Roderick needs at his birthday party is a complete prat who smells like he's just finished navigating his way out of a hippopotamus' bottom. What a disaster it would be if when he inhales some air with which to blow out his birthday candles, he sucks in some of your body odor and subsequently dies on his own birthday!"
"Oh, please, let me go sir! It's going to be so much fun!"
"No it isn't, Baldrick."
"What, you're not looking forward to it?"
"Not at all. It's going to be about as much fun as sitting through Reverend Melchett's three-hour sermon about how we're all going to roast in hell for the twenty-seventh time, only to discover that I've forgotten to hide my copy of 'The Best of French Pornography' in the pages of my bible. Why are you so keen on going anyway?" Baldrick just stood there with an inane grin on his face. "Oh, no. Don't tell me!"
"It's Lady Elizabeth, sir! She's the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm in love with her and I want to marry her!"
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god! Baldrick, you have about as much of a chance with Lady Elizabeth as I have of becoming Pope."
"Why do you say that?"
"You mean apart from the fact that you're a complete prat? Besides, Baldrick, even if by some miracle, Lady Elizabeth poked a fork in each of her eyes, had her nose chopped off, and went completely mad enough to fall in love with you, Stilton Cheesewright would kill you if you even looked at her!"
"But sir, he doesn't know my secret weapon!"
"Ah, yes, Baldrick. How could I forget? You have a stench powerful enough to wipe out the entire German army. Stilton is no match for that sort of..." He paused. "Hang on! That gives me an idea! Baldrick, I've got a plan and it's so cunning you could stick a motor on it and use it to mow the lawn!"
* * * *
Elsewhere in the mansion, Kevin Darling and Madeline Bassett had just returned. Darling was looking most perturbed by being made to drive all the way into town only to discover no puffy shirts whatsoever. "Jeeves!" he called as he saw his valet round the corner of the hallway.
"Welcome back, sir. How can I be of service to you?" said Jeeves.
"Well, you can tell me where that fool, Blackadder is, for starters! He told me there was a special on puffy shirts in town, and do you know what I did?"
"I'd venture to guess that you drove all the way into town and found that you had been lied to, sir," said Jeeves.
"Yes, that's exactly what happened! Where is that little good-for-nothing?"
"As I have told you, sir, you can not trust Mr. Blackadder. He is a vile, disgusting liar and a cheat! As much as I'd like to see you kick him out of this mansion, I'm afraid Sir Roderick's party is starting in just a half hour. We need to get you and your dear fiancŽe ready, sir," Jeeves said.
"Well, alright, I suppose you're right," said Darling, "We'll have to hold off on the maiming for now."
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, as the three proceeded down the hall.
Gussie Finknottle knocked on his sister's door. Nursie opened. "Oh, Lizzie, it's that handsome chap with the glasses!" she said.
Elizabeth came to the door, "You mean my brother, Nursie?"
"Oh, yes! That's right!" said Nursie.
"Are you ready, Elizabeth?" Gussie asked.
"Well, no actually! I can't seem to find Stilton anywhere! It's like he's vanished!" said Elizabeth.
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time something of yours had disappeared, now would it?" said Nursie, "I remember when you were a toddler you would always take off your clothes out in public for everyone to see! Always flashing the little boys at school and at the playground, you were. It's a good thing you don't do that anymore, or else..."
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth said, "Anyway, I don't really care where that fool, prat Stilton is. I've found a much funnier, more handsome fiancŽ anyway!"
"Oh, no, Elizabeth! Not Bertie!" said Gussie.
"No, of course not Bertie! He's a silly, soggy-brained git! I'm talking about his butler's servant, Baldrick. He's so wonderful, Gussie!" Elizabeth said.
"Well, if you say so, Elizabeth. Anyway, we'd better get going. Do you have your present for Spode?" Gussie asked, holding a small, wrapped box in his hand.
"Yes," said Elizabeth, retrieving a wrapped book from her table. "It's a book on modern British government." Jeeves, Madeline, and Kevin were approaching from down the hall.
"I, too, have a present for Sir Roderick," said Nursie, as she pulled a small wooden statue of a polecat out of a bag.
"What is that?" said Elizabeth.
"Why it's a polecat of course!" said Nursie.
"A what?" said Elizabeth.
"It's a polecat, miss," said Jeeves, stopping to help, "From the genus, 'mustela vormela,' the polecat is an animal related to but larger than the weasel. It can be found primarily in the woodlands of Europe, Asia, and North Africa. It is most easily identified by its brown fur and foul odor it emits when disturbed."
"And why on Earth do you think Sir Roderick wants a statue of that thing?" said Elizabeth, annoyed.
"Well, mum, you said he fancies polecats!" said Nursie.
"No, I didn't, Nursie,"
"Of course you did! You said he's very keen on polecats and once even ran for polecat office!" Nursie insisted.
"Politics, Nursie! Not polecats!" said Elizabeth, rolling her eyes.
"Oh," said Nursie.
"Nursie, you are as thick as..." Elizabeth stopped, trying desperately to come up with a suitable insult. "Jeeves, what is Nursie as thick as?"
"Well, miss, are you familiar with the animal, balaenoptera musculus? It is a marine animal with grooves along the throat that migrates between polar and equatorial seas. Weighing approximately 143.3 tons, and also known as the blue whale, it is the largest and heaviest animal known to man. The fin whale, or finback as it's often referred, is a baleen whale known for its prominent dorsal fin. Although nowhere near the incredible weight of the blue whale, it comes in at a striking 49.6 tons. If it were possible to cross breed such different animals, they would likely produce a very, large, wide animal, indeed. Capturing such an animal would require a craft of such enormous width and strength that has never before been built by man. I would venture to say that Nursie is as thick as that very craft, miss," Jeeves answered.
"Yes," Elizabeth said, looking very confused, "Well...we'd better get going to that party now." They all continued down the hallway and to the main hall. Nobody, however, noticed that Jeeves had departed from the group.