Chapter 12
Happy Birthday, Spode!
Bertie came back into the room, dressed in his best suit. "So, are we all ready to go, then?" he asked.
"Indeed we are, sir!" said Blackadder. With that, they all headed down the hallway. At the turn in the hall, they found a large group of guests also heading down to the party. Gussie and Elizabeth Finknottle, Nursie, Madeline Bassett, and Kevin Darling, who was carrying a large, flat package that Bertie recognized immediately as the painting that he had snuck into Darling's room.
"Bertie," said Elizabeth, "Have you seen Stilton anywhere?"
Bertie began, "Well, yes, actually, he's just back in..." He stopped abruptly with a jab in the side from Blackadder's elbow. "Oh, Stilton? No, no, I haven't seen him anywhere at all! He's definitely not in my room! No. Not that I would know where he is because I haven't seen him. But I know he's not in my room, because I just came from there and he wasn't anywhere in sight. Not that there'd be any reason for him to be in my room, but he wasn't. That, I'm sure of! Why? Is he missing?"
"Yes, but it's no matter now anyway!" she said, winking at Baldrick. Baldrick winked back, but it looked more like a fly had gotten itself caught in his eyelid and Baldrick was trying to force it out.
Kevin turned on Blackadder. "I thought you said there was a sale on shirts in town! Why'd you lie to me, you lying butler?"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Darling," said Blackadder, sarcastically, "The sale must have ended early." The two exchanged wicked sneers.
"Bertie," said Madeline, "Where is your present for Sir Roderick?"
Bertie, as clueless as usual, said, "What present?"
Blackadder rolled his eyes, "I believe Miss Bassett is referring to the bottle of French wine you bought for him, sir."
"Oh, yes! I must be as thick as a buffalo pie! I left it in the room. Excuse me while I go and fetch it, will you?" With that, Bertie headed back down the hall to his room. He scanned the room looking for the bottle, but didn't see it anywhere. "Blast! It must be in my bedroom!" he said to himself. Bertie walked up to the door to his room and said, very politely and calmly, "Say, Stilton, old chap, how'd you like to put our differences aside and I let you out of there?"
Stilton screamed back, "LET ME OUT, WOOSTER! I'LL BREAK YOUR SPINE IN EIGHTEEN PLACES!"
"Now look here, Stilton," said Wooster, then pulling himself back together, "Look, do you see a bottle of wine in there with you?"
"Yes, it's on the table by your bed!" Stilton answered.
"Ah, good! Look, Stilton, I need that bottle. Now if I let you out, do you promise you'll give me the bottle?"
"Yes, alright!"
"Splendid!" With that, Bertie unlocked the door. As soon as he opened it, he saw the wine bottle come spinning through the air towards his head. Without thinking, he slammed the door shut and locked it as the bottle smashed against the other side of the door. "Damn!" Bertie searched through the room and finally, in Blackadder's bedroom, found a bottle very similar to the one that Stilton had smashed. He quickly wrapped it in paper and hurried down to the party.
* * * *
In the main hall, everyone was gathered. Sir Roderick Spode was standing near the fireplace with Sir Watkyn. To Sir Watkyn's left were Madeline and Kevin. Then Blackadder stood with Baldrick, who was exchanging glances with Elizabeth Finknottle, who was standing on Spode's other side along with Aunt Agatha, Gussie, and Nursie. Bertie sat in the center of them all, playing a song for Sir Roderick.
"Well, I stare at myself in the mirror When I wake up every morn. And I marvel at how great I've been Since the day that I was born. All the girls in college Turned me down for other fellas. But I know why, it seems to me They're just insanely jealous. Who wouldn't be?
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as wonderful as me.
Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty, And I'm certainly not conceited. But anyone trying to match my wits Is very soon defeated.
I'm a marvelous human being, I'm just one big hunk of man. Sometimes I have to marvel At how very great I am.
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as marvelous, spectacular, Fantastic and terrific, And so very great and wonderful as me."
They all applauded when he was finished, except Blackadder who looked utterly disgusted. "What's a matter, Mr. B?" asked Baldrick, "Didn't you like it?"
"No, I didn't," Blackadder answered, "I'm sorry to say it, sir, but your singing would make a thousand screaming banshees sound pleasant in comparison."
"Normally, I'd agree with you, Blackadder," said Spode, "Usually, he is a complete waste of skin! But this song was actually good!" Blackadder repressed a sudden urge to deflate Spode's overblown ego and tell him what he really thinks of him.
"Alright! On to the rest of the presents!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie brought forth his bottle of wine for Sir Roderick and gave it to him.
Spode unwrapped the package and smiled broadly. "This is one of my favorite's, Wooster! Thank you, my boy! I think I may have underestimated you in the past, Bertie. You're a much better man than I've given you credit for!"
"Well, thank you, Spode, but I can't take all the credit, mind you! Blackadder here was a big help in picking out just the right wine!" Bertie said.
"Well, then you have yourself a fine butler! He may be a bit on the rebellious side, but I can teach you how to better train him, Bertie!" Spode said.
Blackadder bit on his lip to prevent himself from bursting, as Sir Roderick poured himself a glass of the wine. Nursie brought him her gift of the polecat statue. He looked at it, baffled for a moment then said, "Ah, splendid! It will look wonderful in my study! Thank you, miss."
As Elizabeth presented her book to Spode, Bertie whispered to Blackadder, "You'll have some cleaning to do when we go back to the room, I'm afraid!"
"Oh?" Blackadder said.
"That fool, Stilton threw the bottle of wine at the door when I asked him for it?" Bertie explained.
"The wine bottle for Spode? It's smashed? Then what was that you gave to him?" Blackadder whispered.
"Well, as luck would have it, I found another bottle of wine in yours and Baldrick's room. Actually, you had a whole pile of them by the door leading to the bathroom.
Baldrick turned to the pair, "But we don't have any wine in our room, sir. We had to empty all the bottles because the toilet doesn't work because of the Mumbo-Dumbo." Blackadder's face turned grim. After a few moments, realization finally sunk into Bertie's head. He turned and stared at Spode's wine glass.
"I'm dead," Bertie whispered.
* * * *
Upstairs, Jeeves was walking casually through the hallway. When he came to Bertie's room, he looked around to make sure nobody was watching, before opening the door and going in. "IS THAT YOU, BERTIE? LET ME OUT OF HERE!" called Stilton. Jeeves walked over to the door and retrieved a key from his jacket pocket. He unlocked the door.
"Hello, sir. How did you get yourself locked in there?" Jeeves said.
"Get out of my way, Jeeves!" Stilton said, pushing Jeeves to one side and storming out of the room.
"Certainly," Jeeves said, with a smart smirk on his face.
* * * *
Aunt Agatha had made her way around the group to where Bertie was standing with Blackadder and Baldrick. As Spode opened his next present, from Gussie, Aunt Agatha whispered, "Bertie, why is Madeline Bassett still engaged to that Frenchman? Didn't we have an agreement?"
"I'm working on it, Aunt Agatha!" Bertie said.
"You'd better be, Bertie. Sir Watkyn and Sir Roderick will not be happy if you do not follow through with this. And neither will I, Bertie," she said in a threatening tone.
"Dear Agatha, you really should learn to have faith in your nephew. I've taken care of everything! You'll see!" said Bertie, motioning to Spode.
"Ah! Thank you, Finknottle!" Spode pulled his wine glass to his lips. Luckily, Madeline interfered.
"Roderick! There is one more present! It is from Kevin and I! It is a painting by Phillip Renoir that Kevin had made specially for you!" Madeline said, handing the painting to Spode.
"Ah, thank you, my dear!" Spode said, then turning to Kevin, "And you too, I suppose." With a smile large enough to catch a fish in, Spode unwrapped the painting and held it in front of himself for all to see. Jaws dropped. Bodies stood still. Aunt Agatha dropped her plate of appetizers on the floor. Nursie giggled to herself.
"That's Spode?" said Gussie, "Then who is that other person in the picture?" Confused by the reactions, Sir Watkyn took the painting and turned it around so he and Spode could see it. They starred in horror. Then Spode turned slowly to Sir Watkyn, who then returned the look.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, FRENCHMAN? DO YOU FIND THIS FUNNY? THIS VULGARITY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!" Spode yelled.
"You are no longer welcomed in my home or in my family!" continued Sir Watkyn.
"But that's not the painting I bought you!" pleaded Darling, "It must have gotten switched somehow!" With that, Aunt Agatha understood and shot Bertie a knowing, but approving look.
"A likely story, Frenchie!" said Spode.
"Madeline, I'm sorry, but I must insist that you cancel this wedding!" Sir Watkyn said.
"Yes, I believe you're right, father," said Madeline looking disgustedly at Kevin.
At that very moment, the doors burst open and Stilton Cheesewright stormed into the room. His eyes locked immediately onto Bertie. "WOOSTER! I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR SPINE IN TWENTY-SEVEN PLACES!"
"What is this now?" said Sir Watkyn, annoyed and confused.
"This man, this low-life has taken advantage of my darling fiancŽe, Elizabeth. He tried to make a move on her just a few short hours ago in her bedroom! And I'm going to kill him for it! I warned you, Wooster! I warned you!" yelled Stilton.
"But, Stilton, I didn't! I never went near Elizabeth!" Bertie explained, desperately.
"That's not what Augustus said!" Stilton yelled.
"Oh, that," said Gussie, "Well, actually, Stilton, it appears I was mistaken. See, it was actually that other man that I heard in Elizabeth's room." Gussie pointed at Baldrick.
"WHAT? THAT HUNK OF DUNG?" yelled Stilton.
"Yes!" Elizabeth said, coming between Stilton and Baldrick, "And I love him! He's twice the man you are! He's funny and he's clever and he loves rats as much as I do and he thinks my nose is pretty! And he's an incredibly good kisser, which is much more than I can say for you!"
"But Elizabeth," said Stilton, "He is just a mere servant!"
"And a servant to Mr. Blackadder at that," said a voice coming from the corridor. It was, of course, Reginald Jeeves. He looked at Bertie, "I am very sorry to say, sir, but I told you that he was not to be trusted. He is a truly loathsome human being, sir."
"Why of all the..." Blackadder started.
"And it was him who switched the paintings!" said Aunt Agatha, pointing at Blackadder.
"Precisely!" said Jeeves.
Spode looked more furious than he ever had before. His faced fumed with anger. He took a sip from his wine glass, paused to taste its strange flavor. "Hmm. Interesting," he said, before turning on Blackadder, "You, sir, are no longer welcomed in this house! Take that idiot of a servant with you and get out of here before I have you arrested! You are a vile, despicable disgrace to the entire butler community! I will petition the Ganymede Club to throw you out and I will send word to all other gentlemen in England! You will never again work in this country! Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Blackadder?"
Happy Birthday, Spode!
Bertie came back into the room, dressed in his best suit. "So, are we all ready to go, then?" he asked.
"Indeed we are, sir!" said Blackadder. With that, they all headed down the hallway. At the turn in the hall, they found a large group of guests also heading down to the party. Gussie and Elizabeth Finknottle, Nursie, Madeline Bassett, and Kevin Darling, who was carrying a large, flat package that Bertie recognized immediately as the painting that he had snuck into Darling's room.
"Bertie," said Elizabeth, "Have you seen Stilton anywhere?"
Bertie began, "Well, yes, actually, he's just back in..." He stopped abruptly with a jab in the side from Blackadder's elbow. "Oh, Stilton? No, no, I haven't seen him anywhere at all! He's definitely not in my room! No. Not that I would know where he is because I haven't seen him. But I know he's not in my room, because I just came from there and he wasn't anywhere in sight. Not that there'd be any reason for him to be in my room, but he wasn't. That, I'm sure of! Why? Is he missing?"
"Yes, but it's no matter now anyway!" she said, winking at Baldrick. Baldrick winked back, but it looked more like a fly had gotten itself caught in his eyelid and Baldrick was trying to force it out.
Kevin turned on Blackadder. "I thought you said there was a sale on shirts in town! Why'd you lie to me, you lying butler?"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Darling," said Blackadder, sarcastically, "The sale must have ended early." The two exchanged wicked sneers.
"Bertie," said Madeline, "Where is your present for Sir Roderick?"
Bertie, as clueless as usual, said, "What present?"
Blackadder rolled his eyes, "I believe Miss Bassett is referring to the bottle of French wine you bought for him, sir."
"Oh, yes! I must be as thick as a buffalo pie! I left it in the room. Excuse me while I go and fetch it, will you?" With that, Bertie headed back down the hall to his room. He scanned the room looking for the bottle, but didn't see it anywhere. "Blast! It must be in my bedroom!" he said to himself. Bertie walked up to the door to his room and said, very politely and calmly, "Say, Stilton, old chap, how'd you like to put our differences aside and I let you out of there?"
Stilton screamed back, "LET ME OUT, WOOSTER! I'LL BREAK YOUR SPINE IN EIGHTEEN PLACES!"
"Now look here, Stilton," said Wooster, then pulling himself back together, "Look, do you see a bottle of wine in there with you?"
"Yes, it's on the table by your bed!" Stilton answered.
"Ah, good! Look, Stilton, I need that bottle. Now if I let you out, do you promise you'll give me the bottle?"
"Yes, alright!"
"Splendid!" With that, Bertie unlocked the door. As soon as he opened it, he saw the wine bottle come spinning through the air towards his head. Without thinking, he slammed the door shut and locked it as the bottle smashed against the other side of the door. "Damn!" Bertie searched through the room and finally, in Blackadder's bedroom, found a bottle very similar to the one that Stilton had smashed. He quickly wrapped it in paper and hurried down to the party.
* * * *
In the main hall, everyone was gathered. Sir Roderick Spode was standing near the fireplace with Sir Watkyn. To Sir Watkyn's left were Madeline and Kevin. Then Blackadder stood with Baldrick, who was exchanging glances with Elizabeth Finknottle, who was standing on Spode's other side along with Aunt Agatha, Gussie, and Nursie. Bertie sat in the center of them all, playing a song for Sir Roderick.
"Well, I stare at myself in the mirror When I wake up every morn. And I marvel at how great I've been Since the day that I was born. All the girls in college Turned me down for other fellas. But I know why, it seems to me They're just insanely jealous. Who wouldn't be?
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as wonderful as me.
Now, I'm not arrogant or haughty, And I'm certainly not conceited. But anyone trying to match my wits Is very soon defeated.
I'm a marvelous human being, I'm just one big hunk of man. Sometimes I have to marvel At how very great I am.
Some people call it self-indulgence, But they just don't understand That it's hard to be too humble When you know that you're so grand.
And I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, I just want you to see That I've never met a person Who's as marvelous, spectacular, Fantastic and terrific, And so very great and wonderful as me."
They all applauded when he was finished, except Blackadder who looked utterly disgusted. "What's a matter, Mr. B?" asked Baldrick, "Didn't you like it?"
"No, I didn't," Blackadder answered, "I'm sorry to say it, sir, but your singing would make a thousand screaming banshees sound pleasant in comparison."
"Normally, I'd agree with you, Blackadder," said Spode, "Usually, he is a complete waste of skin! But this song was actually good!" Blackadder repressed a sudden urge to deflate Spode's overblown ego and tell him what he really thinks of him.
"Alright! On to the rest of the presents!" said Sir Watkyn. Bertie brought forth his bottle of wine for Sir Roderick and gave it to him.
Spode unwrapped the package and smiled broadly. "This is one of my favorite's, Wooster! Thank you, my boy! I think I may have underestimated you in the past, Bertie. You're a much better man than I've given you credit for!"
"Well, thank you, Spode, but I can't take all the credit, mind you! Blackadder here was a big help in picking out just the right wine!" Bertie said.
"Well, then you have yourself a fine butler! He may be a bit on the rebellious side, but I can teach you how to better train him, Bertie!" Spode said.
Blackadder bit on his lip to prevent himself from bursting, as Sir Roderick poured himself a glass of the wine. Nursie brought him her gift of the polecat statue. He looked at it, baffled for a moment then said, "Ah, splendid! It will look wonderful in my study! Thank you, miss."
As Elizabeth presented her book to Spode, Bertie whispered to Blackadder, "You'll have some cleaning to do when we go back to the room, I'm afraid!"
"Oh?" Blackadder said.
"That fool, Stilton threw the bottle of wine at the door when I asked him for it?" Bertie explained.
"The wine bottle for Spode? It's smashed? Then what was that you gave to him?" Blackadder whispered.
"Well, as luck would have it, I found another bottle of wine in yours and Baldrick's room. Actually, you had a whole pile of them by the door leading to the bathroom.
Baldrick turned to the pair, "But we don't have any wine in our room, sir. We had to empty all the bottles because the toilet doesn't work because of the Mumbo-Dumbo." Blackadder's face turned grim. After a few moments, realization finally sunk into Bertie's head. He turned and stared at Spode's wine glass.
"I'm dead," Bertie whispered.
* * * *
Upstairs, Jeeves was walking casually through the hallway. When he came to Bertie's room, he looked around to make sure nobody was watching, before opening the door and going in. "IS THAT YOU, BERTIE? LET ME OUT OF HERE!" called Stilton. Jeeves walked over to the door and retrieved a key from his jacket pocket. He unlocked the door.
"Hello, sir. How did you get yourself locked in there?" Jeeves said.
"Get out of my way, Jeeves!" Stilton said, pushing Jeeves to one side and storming out of the room.
"Certainly," Jeeves said, with a smart smirk on his face.
* * * *
Aunt Agatha had made her way around the group to where Bertie was standing with Blackadder and Baldrick. As Spode opened his next present, from Gussie, Aunt Agatha whispered, "Bertie, why is Madeline Bassett still engaged to that Frenchman? Didn't we have an agreement?"
"I'm working on it, Aunt Agatha!" Bertie said.
"You'd better be, Bertie. Sir Watkyn and Sir Roderick will not be happy if you do not follow through with this. And neither will I, Bertie," she said in a threatening tone.
"Dear Agatha, you really should learn to have faith in your nephew. I've taken care of everything! You'll see!" said Bertie, motioning to Spode.
"Ah! Thank you, Finknottle!" Spode pulled his wine glass to his lips. Luckily, Madeline interfered.
"Roderick! There is one more present! It is from Kevin and I! It is a painting by Phillip Renoir that Kevin had made specially for you!" Madeline said, handing the painting to Spode.
"Ah, thank you, my dear!" Spode said, then turning to Kevin, "And you too, I suppose." With a smile large enough to catch a fish in, Spode unwrapped the painting and held it in front of himself for all to see. Jaws dropped. Bodies stood still. Aunt Agatha dropped her plate of appetizers on the floor. Nursie giggled to herself.
"That's Spode?" said Gussie, "Then who is that other person in the picture?" Confused by the reactions, Sir Watkyn took the painting and turned it around so he and Spode could see it. They starred in horror. Then Spode turned slowly to Sir Watkyn, who then returned the look.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, FRENCHMAN? DO YOU FIND THIS FUNNY? THIS VULGARITY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!" Spode yelled.
"You are no longer welcomed in my home or in my family!" continued Sir Watkyn.
"But that's not the painting I bought you!" pleaded Darling, "It must have gotten switched somehow!" With that, Aunt Agatha understood and shot Bertie a knowing, but approving look.
"A likely story, Frenchie!" said Spode.
"Madeline, I'm sorry, but I must insist that you cancel this wedding!" Sir Watkyn said.
"Yes, I believe you're right, father," said Madeline looking disgustedly at Kevin.
At that very moment, the doors burst open and Stilton Cheesewright stormed into the room. His eyes locked immediately onto Bertie. "WOOSTER! I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR SPINE IN TWENTY-SEVEN PLACES!"
"What is this now?" said Sir Watkyn, annoyed and confused.
"This man, this low-life has taken advantage of my darling fiancŽe, Elizabeth. He tried to make a move on her just a few short hours ago in her bedroom! And I'm going to kill him for it! I warned you, Wooster! I warned you!" yelled Stilton.
"But, Stilton, I didn't! I never went near Elizabeth!" Bertie explained, desperately.
"That's not what Augustus said!" Stilton yelled.
"Oh, that," said Gussie, "Well, actually, Stilton, it appears I was mistaken. See, it was actually that other man that I heard in Elizabeth's room." Gussie pointed at Baldrick.
"WHAT? THAT HUNK OF DUNG?" yelled Stilton.
"Yes!" Elizabeth said, coming between Stilton and Baldrick, "And I love him! He's twice the man you are! He's funny and he's clever and he loves rats as much as I do and he thinks my nose is pretty! And he's an incredibly good kisser, which is much more than I can say for you!"
"But Elizabeth," said Stilton, "He is just a mere servant!"
"And a servant to Mr. Blackadder at that," said a voice coming from the corridor. It was, of course, Reginald Jeeves. He looked at Bertie, "I am very sorry to say, sir, but I told you that he was not to be trusted. He is a truly loathsome human being, sir."
"Why of all the..." Blackadder started.
"And it was him who switched the paintings!" said Aunt Agatha, pointing at Blackadder.
"Precisely!" said Jeeves.
Spode looked more furious than he ever had before. His faced fumed with anger. He took a sip from his wine glass, paused to taste its strange flavor. "Hmm. Interesting," he said, before turning on Blackadder, "You, sir, are no longer welcomed in this house! Take that idiot of a servant with you and get out of here before I have you arrested! You are a vile, despicable disgrace to the entire butler community! I will petition the Ganymede Club to throw you out and I will send word to all other gentlemen in England! You will never again work in this country! Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Blackadder?"