Chapter 13
Blackadder Unleashed
Blackadder took a moment to think, and then he let loose. "Oh, shut up, you fat, over-blown, power-hungry git! Yes! You're right! I switched the paintings! I replaced a completely dreadful painting of you with this piece of pornographic filth! Of course, the other picture looked much more like you, seeing as it resembled a pile of rat droppings! It's people like you, Spode, that give the British a bad name! You strut around in your stupid shorts and bad haircut acting like you own all of London just because you can shout your idiotic political ramblings louder than any other arse in England! In comparison, you make the French seem tolerable!"
Spode was beet-red, but Darling was actually very pleased. Blackadder caught this, and turned, "And you, Mr. Worst-French-Accent-and-Stupidest-Name-in-All-of-Britain! I must say that I don't blame you for becoming an ambassador. After all, if I had had the misfortune to be born a French frog, you can be damn well certain I'd be trying to get as far away from my home country as possible! But the fact that you would come all the way to England and marry into this band of complete lunatics is proof positive that you're just as much of a moron as the rest of the people in France."
"Ah! Don't listen, Kevin!" cried Madeline.
"Ah, yes, Miss Madeline Bassett, with a head as empty as bum's resume," said Blackadder, "If you were to go back home with your fiancŽ, you'd likely be hailed as a genius in France. But in the rest of the world, you have as many brain cells as the flowers you so stupidly admire. Really, woman, how is it that your head doesn't completely fall off? Why, if I were your body, I'd do anything I could just to get away from that empty skull of yours. And then there's your voice! I would rather be dragged face down by a train, while clenching a long aluminum rod in my teeth and letting it thrash along the metal railroad, then listen to five minutes of your mindless drivel!" Madeline looked as if she was going to cry.
"Look, Blackadder! I think that's just about enou..." Gussie started.
"Enough?" Blackadder said, turning to Gussie, "No, I don't think that it is, actually, Finknottle! In fact, I'm just getting started! You are really a sad, squirmy, pathetic thing, aren't you? You look like an owl that has been starved, had its feathers plucked, and then had been left out to die in the middle of a desert. And you act like a twelve-year old boy trying to figure why Mr. Winky gets up and salutes every time little Sally walks into the room! It's really no surprise that you can't hang on to Madeline. It would take a complete girl's blouse to not be able to handle a woman with all the intellectual capacity of a rotting head of cauliflower." He turned to Stilton.
"And then we have Stilton Cheesewright. The most insane, barbaric, violent, angry madman since King Richard IV! At least he had the kingdom and an incredibly clever, handsome son, named Edgar, to show for it! What do you have? A blood-pressure level that's as high as a hundred American college students and a fiancŽe who'd rather marry the shortest, smelliest, dirtiest, stupidest man in all of Europe!
"And Miss Greigson. You think just because you are a fat, old cow with a ton of cash, you can order anyone around that you like, don't you? You think that just because Mr. Wooster is about as sharp as a bowling ball, you can blackmail him into doing anything you want! Even breaking up Madeline and Darling's wedding!"
"What?" Madeline said, in shock.
"Yes!" said Blackadder, "This woman here, along with your father and that fat git, Spode forced us to swap that painting so that you wouldn't marry that Frenchman. And while I can't say that I blame her for wanting to keep a Frenchie out of the family, I still say she's a complete and total bitch!" Aunt Agatha stood shocked, unable to speak for the first time in her very long life.
Finally, Blackadder turned to Nursie. "Nursie, Nursie, Nursie! You may be a sad, insane, stupid old woman, but aside from me, you're probably the most intelligent person in this house!" Nursie giggled stupidly. Of all the people gathered there at Totleigh, only one finally spoke up to Blackadder. Bertie put down his wine and shouted, "Now I've had it, Blackadder! You have insulted my dear friends and my lovely aunt!"
"As lovely as a elephant's backside, maybe," Blackadder put in.
"That's it, Blackadder! You get out of here right now and never return! You are fired from my services. Get out!" Bertie turned to Jeeves, "Jeeves, please help me to remove this excrement from the house!"
Jeeves grinned widely as he approached, "As you wish, sir."
As Blackadder was walking out the door, Bertie kicked him in the backside. "Ouch!" Blackadder yelled.
"Well, Wooster," said Spode, "I must say that I am very sorry to you! You have proven me wrong yet again tonight! You defended the honor of this household and everyone here tonight! I say, let's all raise a glass in honor of Bertie Wooster!" Spode poured himself another glass and raised it in the air.
Just then, Blackadder came back in. "I'm sorry! I just forgot my servant. Come here, Baldrick."
"Coming, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, waving goodbye to Elizabeth. She looked very sad.
"Wait!" said Elizabeth, "I want you to have this, Baldrick. It's a symbol of our love. This way, you'll always remember me." She handed Baldrick a large sack. Inside the bag were several live rats from her own collection.
"Thank you, Miss Finknottle! I'll never forget you!" And with that, Baldrick left with Blackadder.
"Ahem! As I was saying! A toast to Bertram Wooster! Bertie, you are welcomed in this house forever! I am proud to call you my friend!" They all took a sip of their wine, Spode taking an extra large swig.
Blackadder popped his head in just one more time, "Oh, by the way, that's urine you're drinking, Spode! Baldrick's urine, to be exact!" Spode spit the urine out of his mouth and all over himself. And with a final smirk, Blackadder left, never to return to Totleigh Towers.
Blackadder Unleashed
Blackadder took a moment to think, and then he let loose. "Oh, shut up, you fat, over-blown, power-hungry git! Yes! You're right! I switched the paintings! I replaced a completely dreadful painting of you with this piece of pornographic filth! Of course, the other picture looked much more like you, seeing as it resembled a pile of rat droppings! It's people like you, Spode, that give the British a bad name! You strut around in your stupid shorts and bad haircut acting like you own all of London just because you can shout your idiotic political ramblings louder than any other arse in England! In comparison, you make the French seem tolerable!"
Spode was beet-red, but Darling was actually very pleased. Blackadder caught this, and turned, "And you, Mr. Worst-French-Accent-and-Stupidest-Name-in-All-of-Britain! I must say that I don't blame you for becoming an ambassador. After all, if I had had the misfortune to be born a French frog, you can be damn well certain I'd be trying to get as far away from my home country as possible! But the fact that you would come all the way to England and marry into this band of complete lunatics is proof positive that you're just as much of a moron as the rest of the people in France."
"Ah! Don't listen, Kevin!" cried Madeline.
"Ah, yes, Miss Madeline Bassett, with a head as empty as bum's resume," said Blackadder, "If you were to go back home with your fiancŽ, you'd likely be hailed as a genius in France. But in the rest of the world, you have as many brain cells as the flowers you so stupidly admire. Really, woman, how is it that your head doesn't completely fall off? Why, if I were your body, I'd do anything I could just to get away from that empty skull of yours. And then there's your voice! I would rather be dragged face down by a train, while clenching a long aluminum rod in my teeth and letting it thrash along the metal railroad, then listen to five minutes of your mindless drivel!" Madeline looked as if she was going to cry.
"Look, Blackadder! I think that's just about enou..." Gussie started.
"Enough?" Blackadder said, turning to Gussie, "No, I don't think that it is, actually, Finknottle! In fact, I'm just getting started! You are really a sad, squirmy, pathetic thing, aren't you? You look like an owl that has been starved, had its feathers plucked, and then had been left out to die in the middle of a desert. And you act like a twelve-year old boy trying to figure why Mr. Winky gets up and salutes every time little Sally walks into the room! It's really no surprise that you can't hang on to Madeline. It would take a complete girl's blouse to not be able to handle a woman with all the intellectual capacity of a rotting head of cauliflower." He turned to Stilton.
"And then we have Stilton Cheesewright. The most insane, barbaric, violent, angry madman since King Richard IV! At least he had the kingdom and an incredibly clever, handsome son, named Edgar, to show for it! What do you have? A blood-pressure level that's as high as a hundred American college students and a fiancŽe who'd rather marry the shortest, smelliest, dirtiest, stupidest man in all of Europe!
"And Miss Greigson. You think just because you are a fat, old cow with a ton of cash, you can order anyone around that you like, don't you? You think that just because Mr. Wooster is about as sharp as a bowling ball, you can blackmail him into doing anything you want! Even breaking up Madeline and Darling's wedding!"
"What?" Madeline said, in shock.
"Yes!" said Blackadder, "This woman here, along with your father and that fat git, Spode forced us to swap that painting so that you wouldn't marry that Frenchman. And while I can't say that I blame her for wanting to keep a Frenchie out of the family, I still say she's a complete and total bitch!" Aunt Agatha stood shocked, unable to speak for the first time in her very long life.
Finally, Blackadder turned to Nursie. "Nursie, Nursie, Nursie! You may be a sad, insane, stupid old woman, but aside from me, you're probably the most intelligent person in this house!" Nursie giggled stupidly. Of all the people gathered there at Totleigh, only one finally spoke up to Blackadder. Bertie put down his wine and shouted, "Now I've had it, Blackadder! You have insulted my dear friends and my lovely aunt!"
"As lovely as a elephant's backside, maybe," Blackadder put in.
"That's it, Blackadder! You get out of here right now and never return! You are fired from my services. Get out!" Bertie turned to Jeeves, "Jeeves, please help me to remove this excrement from the house!"
Jeeves grinned widely as he approached, "As you wish, sir."
As Blackadder was walking out the door, Bertie kicked him in the backside. "Ouch!" Blackadder yelled.
"Well, Wooster," said Spode, "I must say that I am very sorry to you! You have proven me wrong yet again tonight! You defended the honor of this household and everyone here tonight! I say, let's all raise a glass in honor of Bertie Wooster!" Spode poured himself another glass and raised it in the air.
Just then, Blackadder came back in. "I'm sorry! I just forgot my servant. Come here, Baldrick."
"Coming, Mr. B!" Baldrick said, waving goodbye to Elizabeth. She looked very sad.
"Wait!" said Elizabeth, "I want you to have this, Baldrick. It's a symbol of our love. This way, you'll always remember me." She handed Baldrick a large sack. Inside the bag were several live rats from her own collection.
"Thank you, Miss Finknottle! I'll never forget you!" And with that, Baldrick left with Blackadder.
"Ahem! As I was saying! A toast to Bertram Wooster! Bertie, you are welcomed in this house forever! I am proud to call you my friend!" They all took a sip of their wine, Spode taking an extra large swig.
Blackadder popped his head in just one more time, "Oh, by the way, that's urine you're drinking, Spode! Baldrick's urine, to be exact!" Spode spit the urine out of his mouth and all over himself. And with a final smirk, Blackadder left, never to return to Totleigh Towers.