Chapter 14
An Unexpected Guest
On his way back to town, a car going the opposite direction slowed alongside Blackadder's car. The window opened, and inside was a beautiful, soft-skinned.... boy. "Ah, hello...Bob!" said Blackadder.
"Hello, Edmund," the boy said, "Am I going the right way for Totleigh Towers?"
"Ah, yes! Yes you are!" said Blackadder, "May I ask what you're going there for?"
"Well," said Bob, "I'm bringing an unexpected guest to Sir Roderick Spode's birthday party. Mr. Jeeves sent for him." A man leaned forward in the car. Baldrick and Blackadder recognized him immediately.
"Well," said Blackadder, "You'd better get there quick! They'll be expecting you!"
"Indeed I will!" said Bob, "I'll see you Tuesday night then, as planned?"
Blackadder shot Baldrick a nervous glance, hoping that he hadn't heard that. "Uh, yes...ah, of course." With that, Blackadder and Baldrick continued down the road towards London, with a large white sheet protruding from the back seat.
* * * *
"I suppose I owe you an apology, Wooster," said Stilton, back at Totleigh, "I thought it was you that betrayed me, but it was that filthy servant. And it was your evil butler who locked me in your room. Can you ever forgive me, Bertie?"
"Oh, pish tosh, Stilton! It's forgiven and forgotten! No worries, old chum!" said Bertie.
"Well, I'm not that forgiving!" said Elizabeth, "Come, Nursie! We're leaving!"
"Yes, mum!" Nursie said, and then turning to Stilton, "I'm very sorry it didn't work out, dear! But she can be quite stubborn, you know! Why, when she was a baby it was ever so hard to get her to go ploppy on the potty. We tried for..."
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth yelled
"I can never thank you enough, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn, "I never knew you had it in you to stand up to that bastard! Of course, I knew I could never trust a Frenchman to look after my daughter." He said, shooting Darling an angry look.
"Well, I..." Darling started.
"Oh, stuff it, Frenchie!" said Spode.
Darling looked like he was about to start weeping. "Madeline?" he begged.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kevin," Madeline said, "I'm afraid they're right. You're not the strong, brave man I thought you were. I need someone who likes flowers and bunnies and clouds but also someone who can tell a mean, old grouchy-pants like Blackadder when to sod off! I think I'm going to marry Bertie instead!"
"What?" said Bertie, flabbergasted.
Sir Watkyn was thrilled, "Yes! We can hold the wedding next week you'd like! This will be a happy, joyous time for all of us!"
Bertie didn't know what to say. He had managed to become the most well loved man at Totleigh, but now he was engaged to the stupidest woman in all of Europe. Blackadder was rude, but he was right about Madeline, Bertie thought. Her brain was so small that a colony of ants could use it as a football. How was he ever going to get out of this mess?
At the very moment that Bertie was contemplating the end of his bachelor days, the front door flew open. It was Bob Parkhurst. Bob said, "Ladies and gentlemen of Totleigh Towers, may I present..."
The man rushed into the room. He had long, curly, blonde hair with a matching mustache. He stood with all the presence of the sexiest man in the world. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-it's ME!" he proclaimed.
"Well, who in blazes are you?" said Bertie.
"What? You don't recognize me?" the man said, "I'm the man who's so bloody sexy that the girls need to wrap a towel around their head just to keep their eyeballs from falling out! Woof!"
"And your name?" asked Bertie.
"This, sir," said Jeeves, "Is Sir Flashheart. He is known about town for his excessive libido and unstoppable lust."
"That's smarty-pants butler talk for 'I'm a sexy bitch and I love to shag!' Woof, woof!" said Flashheart.
"Ah," said Bertie.
"And what do we have here?" he said turning to Madeline Bassett. "You look sexy enough to be a female version of me! I wish I were cross-eyed so I could see you twice at the same time! Woof!"
"This is my fiancŽe, Madeline," said Bertie.
"Well not anymore, she's not!" said Flashheart, "So, pretty lady, how'd you like me to cut off your arms and make you my Venus de Milo?"
"Well, I don't know about cutting my arms off," said Madeline.
"Let's cut the small talk, babe! I'm a steaming hunk of love and so are you! So, do you want to take a ride on my submarine? And I'm not talking about an underwater vehicle! Woof!"
"Woof!" said Madeline, "Let's go!"
"I don't know why I even bother asking anymore! It's not like any woman could possibly resist old Flash! Woof! Woof!" said Flashheart, "Come on, Bob! You can get in on the action too!"
"Sorry, Bertie!" said Madeline as she was carried out the door by Flashheart.
After they left, Bertie felt a huge sigh of relief. A huge crisis narrowly avoided. Spode got up to leave the room "I'm changing out of these clothes! I'll see you later, Bertie," said Spode.
"I'll help you gather the presents," said Sir Watkyn to Spode. Bertie, Jeeves, and Darling were left alone in the room.
"Well," said Bertie, after they were gone, "I guess the wedding's off then."
"Yes, sir, it would appear so," said Jeeves.
"Hmm," said Bertie, "I wonder what Flashheart came here for in the first place. It's almost as if someone knew that I would be engaged to Madeline and sent Flash here to break it up!" Bertie looked suspiciously at Jeeves. "Jeeves, did you do all this?"
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, "When I found out about Mrs. Greigson forcing you to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett, I knew that Miss Bassett would turn to you, remembering how she suffered from the delusion that you were madly in love with her. Remembering Blackadder talk of his former master, Sir Flashheart, at the Ganymede Club, I knew that he would be able to draw Miss Bassett's attention away from you. So, calling in a favor with a good friend at the Ganymede Club, I arranged for Sir Flashheart to be brought here precisely at this time."
"Brilliant, Jeeves!" said Bertie, "Jeeves?"
"Yes, sir?"
"I wonder if you might come back on and work for me again. I mean, I know I was a bit of an arse-head before, but I promise you that will change. So, what do you say?"
"Nothing would give me greater pleasure, sir," said Jeeves.
"But...wait!" said Darling, "What about me?"
"I'm afraid I'll have to quit, sir," said Jeeves, "I'm very sorry, Darling."
"But...you can't do that to me!" shouted Darling, "I'm an ambassador of France! You work for me now! You have to at least give notice! You can't just quit like that!"
"Oh, bugger off, you old fart!" Bertie said.
"Goodbye, Darling," Jeeves said. Darling's eye twitched once again. And finally, Jeeves and Wooster packed up and left Totleigh Towers and headed home.
An Unexpected Guest
On his way back to town, a car going the opposite direction slowed alongside Blackadder's car. The window opened, and inside was a beautiful, soft-skinned.... boy. "Ah, hello...Bob!" said Blackadder.
"Hello, Edmund," the boy said, "Am I going the right way for Totleigh Towers?"
"Ah, yes! Yes you are!" said Blackadder, "May I ask what you're going there for?"
"Well," said Bob, "I'm bringing an unexpected guest to Sir Roderick Spode's birthday party. Mr. Jeeves sent for him." A man leaned forward in the car. Baldrick and Blackadder recognized him immediately.
"Well," said Blackadder, "You'd better get there quick! They'll be expecting you!"
"Indeed I will!" said Bob, "I'll see you Tuesday night then, as planned?"
Blackadder shot Baldrick a nervous glance, hoping that he hadn't heard that. "Uh, yes...ah, of course." With that, Blackadder and Baldrick continued down the road towards London, with a large white sheet protruding from the back seat.
* * * *
"I suppose I owe you an apology, Wooster," said Stilton, back at Totleigh, "I thought it was you that betrayed me, but it was that filthy servant. And it was your evil butler who locked me in your room. Can you ever forgive me, Bertie?"
"Oh, pish tosh, Stilton! It's forgiven and forgotten! No worries, old chum!" said Bertie.
"Well, I'm not that forgiving!" said Elizabeth, "Come, Nursie! We're leaving!"
"Yes, mum!" Nursie said, and then turning to Stilton, "I'm very sorry it didn't work out, dear! But she can be quite stubborn, you know! Why, when she was a baby it was ever so hard to get her to go ploppy on the potty. We tried for..."
"Shut up, Nursie!" Elizabeth yelled
"I can never thank you enough, Wooster!" said Sir Watkyn, "I never knew you had it in you to stand up to that bastard! Of course, I knew I could never trust a Frenchman to look after my daughter." He said, shooting Darling an angry look.
"Well, I..." Darling started.
"Oh, stuff it, Frenchie!" said Spode.
Darling looked like he was about to start weeping. "Madeline?" he begged.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Kevin," Madeline said, "I'm afraid they're right. You're not the strong, brave man I thought you were. I need someone who likes flowers and bunnies and clouds but also someone who can tell a mean, old grouchy-pants like Blackadder when to sod off! I think I'm going to marry Bertie instead!"
"What?" said Bertie, flabbergasted.
Sir Watkyn was thrilled, "Yes! We can hold the wedding next week you'd like! This will be a happy, joyous time for all of us!"
Bertie didn't know what to say. He had managed to become the most well loved man at Totleigh, but now he was engaged to the stupidest woman in all of Europe. Blackadder was rude, but he was right about Madeline, Bertie thought. Her brain was so small that a colony of ants could use it as a football. How was he ever going to get out of this mess?
At the very moment that Bertie was contemplating the end of his bachelor days, the front door flew open. It was Bob Parkhurst. Bob said, "Ladies and gentlemen of Totleigh Towers, may I present..."
The man rushed into the room. He had long, curly, blonde hair with a matching mustache. He stood with all the presence of the sexiest man in the world. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-it's ME!" he proclaimed.
"Well, who in blazes are you?" said Bertie.
"What? You don't recognize me?" the man said, "I'm the man who's so bloody sexy that the girls need to wrap a towel around their head just to keep their eyeballs from falling out! Woof!"
"And your name?" asked Bertie.
"This, sir," said Jeeves, "Is Sir Flashheart. He is known about town for his excessive libido and unstoppable lust."
"That's smarty-pants butler talk for 'I'm a sexy bitch and I love to shag!' Woof, woof!" said Flashheart.
"Ah," said Bertie.
"And what do we have here?" he said turning to Madeline Bassett. "You look sexy enough to be a female version of me! I wish I were cross-eyed so I could see you twice at the same time! Woof!"
"This is my fiancŽe, Madeline," said Bertie.
"Well not anymore, she's not!" said Flashheart, "So, pretty lady, how'd you like me to cut off your arms and make you my Venus de Milo?"
"Well, I don't know about cutting my arms off," said Madeline.
"Let's cut the small talk, babe! I'm a steaming hunk of love and so are you! So, do you want to take a ride on my submarine? And I'm not talking about an underwater vehicle! Woof!"
"Woof!" said Madeline, "Let's go!"
"I don't know why I even bother asking anymore! It's not like any woman could possibly resist old Flash! Woof! Woof!" said Flashheart, "Come on, Bob! You can get in on the action too!"
"Sorry, Bertie!" said Madeline as she was carried out the door by Flashheart.
After they left, Bertie felt a huge sigh of relief. A huge crisis narrowly avoided. Spode got up to leave the room "I'm changing out of these clothes! I'll see you later, Bertie," said Spode.
"I'll help you gather the presents," said Sir Watkyn to Spode. Bertie, Jeeves, and Darling were left alone in the room.
"Well," said Bertie, after they were gone, "I guess the wedding's off then."
"Yes, sir, it would appear so," said Jeeves.
"Hmm," said Bertie, "I wonder what Flashheart came here for in the first place. It's almost as if someone knew that I would be engaged to Madeline and sent Flash here to break it up!" Bertie looked suspiciously at Jeeves. "Jeeves, did you do all this?"
"Yes, sir," said Jeeves, "When I found out about Mrs. Greigson forcing you to break up Mr. Darling and Miss Bassett, I knew that Miss Bassett would turn to you, remembering how she suffered from the delusion that you were madly in love with her. Remembering Blackadder talk of his former master, Sir Flashheart, at the Ganymede Club, I knew that he would be able to draw Miss Bassett's attention away from you. So, calling in a favor with a good friend at the Ganymede Club, I arranged for Sir Flashheart to be brought here precisely at this time."
"Brilliant, Jeeves!" said Bertie, "Jeeves?"
"Yes, sir?"
"I wonder if you might come back on and work for me again. I mean, I know I was a bit of an arse-head before, but I promise you that will change. So, what do you say?"
"Nothing would give me greater pleasure, sir," said Jeeves.
"But...wait!" said Darling, "What about me?"
"I'm afraid I'll have to quit, sir," said Jeeves, "I'm very sorry, Darling."
"But...you can't do that to me!" shouted Darling, "I'm an ambassador of France! You work for me now! You have to at least give notice! You can't just quit like that!"
"Oh, bugger off, you old fart!" Bertie said.
"Goodbye, Darling," Jeeves said. Darling's eye twitched once again. And finally, Jeeves and Wooster packed up and left Totleigh Towers and headed home.