Chapter 15
Mrs. Miggin's Contest
The car zipped along the road, heading back into London. Jeeves had just finished explaining how he had arranged for Blackadder to be revealed for who he really was. "Absolutely astounding, Jeeves!" Bertie was praising, "So you knew what a rascal he was the whole time! And you let old Stilton out of my room at the precise moment when his entrance would cause Blackadder to fly off the handle? Superbly done, Jeeves! I only wish I had known what a cad Blackadder was to begin with."
"If you recall, sir, I did make mention of that fact when I left your employ," Jeeves reminded him.
"Oh, yes, that's right," said Bertie, "Oh, Jeeves, I've been such a complete arse-head, haven't I? Can you ever forgive me?"
"I am not one to hold a grudge, sir," said Jeeves, "Before we go home, I shall need to stop at the store to pick up some thread, sir."
"What for, Jeeves?"
"To repair your suit, sir."
"Oh, that old thing? Never mind it, Jeeves. I should have listened to you in the first place. What a dreadful outfit! I'm glad those dogs tore it up! From now on, Jeeves, I will always listen closely to your advice regarding fashion."
"Very good, sir," Jeeves said, with a smile of satisfaction. "However, I do need to stop in at the Ganymede Club, if you don't mind, sir."
"Oh, really? I was rather hoping to get home and get some sleep, actually, Jeeves."
"It would only take a minute, sir."
"Oh, yes, alright, Jeeves! It's the least I can do, I suppose."
"I am most appreciative, sir." With that, the car stopped at the curb outside the Ganymede Club. "I will be right out, sir." Jeeves left the car and entered the club. Inside, Michael Kranton greeted him.
"Did he show up on time, Reggie?"
"Oh, yes, Michael. Everything worked according to plan. So, what have I missed?" asked Jeeves.
"Oh, not much, yet. Mrs. Miggins is just about to award the grand prize."
"Ah, well, I don't want to miss that!" said Jeeves, making his way quickly into the main hall.
Up on the stage, Mrs. Miggins stood, speaking to the crowd of Ganymede Club members. "Welcome, everyone to the First Annual Ganymede's Club Art and Music Competition. Our committee has spent many hours studying artwork from members all over London. It has not been an easy task, as all of the work was..."
"OH, GET ON WITH IT!" someone shouted, rudely, from the crowd. Jeeves recognized the voice immediately. He moved his way through the crowd and walked up behind the man.
"Hello, Blackadder," he said.
Blackadder turned around. "Ah, Jeeves. You're late!"
"Yes, well I'm here for the results and that's all we're interested in."
They turned their attention back to Mrs. Miggins. "Finally, we present the top winners in the competition. The second place runner up was actually drawn by the master of one of our members, not by a member himself. It's called 'Girls I Haven't Done It With Yet," by Sir Flashheart.'" She held up what appeared to be a blank canvas.
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god."
"The runner up is a quaint painting entitled 'Farmhouse at Dawn.'" She held up Baldrick's soiled napkin.
"I did it, Mr. B! They liked my painting!" said Baldrick, glowing.
"Yes, well there's no accounting for tastes," said Blackadder.
"She said it was quaint," Baldrick replied.
"You really know that the English language is in the toilet when 'quaint' has become synonymous with 'utter crap,'" scoffed Blackadder.
"Ah, here it is!" Jeeves said.
"And finally," said Mrs. Miggins, "The grand prize of 10,000 pounds goes to a satirical painting of the most pompous man in England, called 'Sir Roderick Rat-Face Spode' by the Totleigh Trio." Everyone cheered. Baldrick went up to the stage to collect the winnings. Meanwhile, Blackadder and Jeeves made their way through the cheers and pats on the backs and into a small, quiet den. Blackadder closed the door.
"We did it, Jeeves!" he proclaimed.
"Yes, Blackadder, it worked spledindly, indeed!" said Jeeves.
"I can't believe our little scheme worked. Well, your little scheme, I should say, I suppose."
"Well, I couldn't have done it without you and Baldrick, Eddie!" Jeeves said.
"We completely fooled the whole lot of them. Of course, fooling your master is about as difficult as trying to break open a piggy bank by dropping a bomb on it."
"Yes, he is rather weak in the brain department, but all the more reason to stay with him, don't you think?"
"Of course, Jeeves! The stupider the master, the more blood we can squeeze out of them, I always say!" Blackadder replied. Baldrick entered the room carrying a large sack of money.
"And now the big pay-off!" said Jeeves, excitedly.
"I can't wait to spend my share, sir!" said Baldrick.
"Really? What are you planning to buy, Balders?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, I was thinking of going out to Mrs. Miggin's farm and seeing how many turnips I could buy," said Baldrick.
"Money well spent," said Jeeves sarcastically, "But you did earn your share, so you are free to do with it what you'd like, of course!"
"Mr. B, I have a question," said Baldrick.
"Yes?"
"Well, there's 10,000 pounds in this bag and there's three of us, right? But we all need to have the same amount of money in the end. So my question is, how can we make it so that there's an equal amout of money for each of us out of the 10,000 pounds, without having any left over money?" Baldrick asked.
"Do you mean, 'How do we split up the money evenly?" Jeeves said.
"Yeah!" said Baldrick.
"Well, actually, Baldrick. It is impossible to divide 10,000 by three. But never fear, for I have a very simple solution to the problem," said Blackadder.
"What's that, sir?" Baldrick asked. Without hesitation, Blackadder punched Baldrick square in the face, causing him to collapse onto the floor.
Blackadder grabbed the money bag out of Baldrick's hands as he fell. "Well, Jeeves, we certainly make a great team, don't we?"
"Indeed we do, Blackadder."
"We should work together more often, you know, Jeeves. Scheming rich gits out of their cash! What great fun that would be! What do you say, Jeeves?" Blackadder said, turning to his partner. Without warning, Jeeves' fist slammed into Blackadder's face. Blackadder fell to the floor.
Jeeves picked up the money bag. "Sod off, you big-nosed, loud-mouthed, arrogant schmuck!" And with that, Jeeves strolled casually out of the Ganymede Club and back into the car with Bertie Wooster.
"Everything squared away, Jeeves?" said Bertie.
"Oh yes, sir," said Jeeves.
"Ah, good then! We're off! Say, Jeeves, what's that you have there in your hands?"
"What? This?" asked Jeeves clutching the moneybag.
Back in the club, Baldrick and Blackadder were getting to their feet. Blackadder held his hand to his nose. "That total bastard! He's gone! And he's taken all the money! What a completely ungrateful little prick!"
"Well, sir, he hasn't really taken the money," said Baldrick.
"Yes he did, Baldrick! He just left here with the moneybag!"
"Yes, but that wasn't the bag with the money at all, sir! That was my bag of rats that Lady Elizabeth gave me! Here's the actual moneybag!" said Baldrick, pulling a bag from under his shirt. I had a feeling Jeeves would turn on you, so I brought in my bag of rats as a cunning plan!"
"Baldrick! That's brilliant!" Blackadder said, kissing Baldrick on the head.
"Thank you, Mr. B!"
Elsewhere, in the streets of London, Bertie Wooster's car was swerving through the streets, while several dirty rats crawled over Jeeves and Wooster.
(This is where you would start humming the "Jeeves and Wooster" theme song...)
THE END
If you liked this story, check out "Blackadder: The Complete Collector's Set" and "Jeeves and Wooster: The Complete Series" available now on DVD and video.
Also, keep a look out for other "Blackadder" fanfics coming soon!
Don't forget to write a review, please!
Mrs. Miggin's Contest
The car zipped along the road, heading back into London. Jeeves had just finished explaining how he had arranged for Blackadder to be revealed for who he really was. "Absolutely astounding, Jeeves!" Bertie was praising, "So you knew what a rascal he was the whole time! And you let old Stilton out of my room at the precise moment when his entrance would cause Blackadder to fly off the handle? Superbly done, Jeeves! I only wish I had known what a cad Blackadder was to begin with."
"If you recall, sir, I did make mention of that fact when I left your employ," Jeeves reminded him.
"Oh, yes, that's right," said Bertie, "Oh, Jeeves, I've been such a complete arse-head, haven't I? Can you ever forgive me?"
"I am not one to hold a grudge, sir," said Jeeves, "Before we go home, I shall need to stop at the store to pick up some thread, sir."
"What for, Jeeves?"
"To repair your suit, sir."
"Oh, that old thing? Never mind it, Jeeves. I should have listened to you in the first place. What a dreadful outfit! I'm glad those dogs tore it up! From now on, Jeeves, I will always listen closely to your advice regarding fashion."
"Very good, sir," Jeeves said, with a smile of satisfaction. "However, I do need to stop in at the Ganymede Club, if you don't mind, sir."
"Oh, really? I was rather hoping to get home and get some sleep, actually, Jeeves."
"It would only take a minute, sir."
"Oh, yes, alright, Jeeves! It's the least I can do, I suppose."
"I am most appreciative, sir." With that, the car stopped at the curb outside the Ganymede Club. "I will be right out, sir." Jeeves left the car and entered the club. Inside, Michael Kranton greeted him.
"Did he show up on time, Reggie?"
"Oh, yes, Michael. Everything worked according to plan. So, what have I missed?" asked Jeeves.
"Oh, not much, yet. Mrs. Miggins is just about to award the grand prize."
"Ah, well, I don't want to miss that!" said Jeeves, making his way quickly into the main hall.
Up on the stage, Mrs. Miggins stood, speaking to the crowd of Ganymede Club members. "Welcome, everyone to the First Annual Ganymede's Club Art and Music Competition. Our committee has spent many hours studying artwork from members all over London. It has not been an easy task, as all of the work was..."
"OH, GET ON WITH IT!" someone shouted, rudely, from the crowd. Jeeves recognized the voice immediately. He moved his way through the crowd and walked up behind the man.
"Hello, Blackadder," he said.
Blackadder turned around. "Ah, Jeeves. You're late!"
"Yes, well I'm here for the results and that's all we're interested in."
They turned their attention back to Mrs. Miggins. "Finally, we present the top winners in the competition. The second place runner up was actually drawn by the master of one of our members, not by a member himself. It's called 'Girls I Haven't Done It With Yet," by Sir Flashheart.'" She held up what appeared to be a blank canvas.
Blackadder rolled his eyes. "Oh, god."
"The runner up is a quaint painting entitled 'Farmhouse at Dawn.'" She held up Baldrick's soiled napkin.
"I did it, Mr. B! They liked my painting!" said Baldrick, glowing.
"Yes, well there's no accounting for tastes," said Blackadder.
"She said it was quaint," Baldrick replied.
"You really know that the English language is in the toilet when 'quaint' has become synonymous with 'utter crap,'" scoffed Blackadder.
"Ah, here it is!" Jeeves said.
"And finally," said Mrs. Miggins, "The grand prize of 10,000 pounds goes to a satirical painting of the most pompous man in England, called 'Sir Roderick Rat-Face Spode' by the Totleigh Trio." Everyone cheered. Baldrick went up to the stage to collect the winnings. Meanwhile, Blackadder and Jeeves made their way through the cheers and pats on the backs and into a small, quiet den. Blackadder closed the door.
"We did it, Jeeves!" he proclaimed.
"Yes, Blackadder, it worked spledindly, indeed!" said Jeeves.
"I can't believe our little scheme worked. Well, your little scheme, I should say, I suppose."
"Well, I couldn't have done it without you and Baldrick, Eddie!" Jeeves said.
"We completely fooled the whole lot of them. Of course, fooling your master is about as difficult as trying to break open a piggy bank by dropping a bomb on it."
"Yes, he is rather weak in the brain department, but all the more reason to stay with him, don't you think?"
"Of course, Jeeves! The stupider the master, the more blood we can squeeze out of them, I always say!" Blackadder replied. Baldrick entered the room carrying a large sack of money.
"And now the big pay-off!" said Jeeves, excitedly.
"I can't wait to spend my share, sir!" said Baldrick.
"Really? What are you planning to buy, Balders?" asked Blackadder.
"Well, I was thinking of going out to Mrs. Miggin's farm and seeing how many turnips I could buy," said Baldrick.
"Money well spent," said Jeeves sarcastically, "But you did earn your share, so you are free to do with it what you'd like, of course!"
"Mr. B, I have a question," said Baldrick.
"Yes?"
"Well, there's 10,000 pounds in this bag and there's three of us, right? But we all need to have the same amount of money in the end. So my question is, how can we make it so that there's an equal amout of money for each of us out of the 10,000 pounds, without having any left over money?" Baldrick asked.
"Do you mean, 'How do we split up the money evenly?" Jeeves said.
"Yeah!" said Baldrick.
"Well, actually, Baldrick. It is impossible to divide 10,000 by three. But never fear, for I have a very simple solution to the problem," said Blackadder.
"What's that, sir?" Baldrick asked. Without hesitation, Blackadder punched Baldrick square in the face, causing him to collapse onto the floor.
Blackadder grabbed the money bag out of Baldrick's hands as he fell. "Well, Jeeves, we certainly make a great team, don't we?"
"Indeed we do, Blackadder."
"We should work together more often, you know, Jeeves. Scheming rich gits out of their cash! What great fun that would be! What do you say, Jeeves?" Blackadder said, turning to his partner. Without warning, Jeeves' fist slammed into Blackadder's face. Blackadder fell to the floor.
Jeeves picked up the money bag. "Sod off, you big-nosed, loud-mouthed, arrogant schmuck!" And with that, Jeeves strolled casually out of the Ganymede Club and back into the car with Bertie Wooster.
"Everything squared away, Jeeves?" said Bertie.
"Oh yes, sir," said Jeeves.
"Ah, good then! We're off! Say, Jeeves, what's that you have there in your hands?"
"What? This?" asked Jeeves clutching the moneybag.
Back in the club, Baldrick and Blackadder were getting to their feet. Blackadder held his hand to his nose. "That total bastard! He's gone! And he's taken all the money! What a completely ungrateful little prick!"
"Well, sir, he hasn't really taken the money," said Baldrick.
"Yes he did, Baldrick! He just left here with the moneybag!"
"Yes, but that wasn't the bag with the money at all, sir! That was my bag of rats that Lady Elizabeth gave me! Here's the actual moneybag!" said Baldrick, pulling a bag from under his shirt. I had a feeling Jeeves would turn on you, so I brought in my bag of rats as a cunning plan!"
"Baldrick! That's brilliant!" Blackadder said, kissing Baldrick on the head.
"Thank you, Mr. B!"
Elsewhere, in the streets of London, Bertie Wooster's car was swerving through the streets, while several dirty rats crawled over Jeeves and Wooster.
(This is where you would start humming the "Jeeves and Wooster" theme song...)
THE END
If you liked this story, check out "Blackadder: The Complete Collector's Set" and "Jeeves and Wooster: The Complete Series" available now on DVD and video.
Also, keep a look out for other "Blackadder" fanfics coming soon!
Don't forget to write a review, please!