Make of Two Hearts
~*~
Abby was sitting on the El with Lauren by her side. The girl's curly red head was leaning against Abby's shoulder and Abby was reading the newspaper, her purse tucked protectively under her arm.
She wasn't really paying attention to what she was reading, though. She had her mind on Carter.
Really, she thought, she should be more upset with him. He had, after all, hurt her more than she thought possible right at a time in her life when she was beginning to pick up the pieces.
She was remarkably un-mad, though. Remarkably still in love with him. Or so she thought.
Which was silly, after all, considering the fact that her relationship with Brian had been so heavenly. She hadn't even thought of Carter all the time she had been married to Brian. Okay, maybe once or twice, but not in the way she was thinking of him now.
She kept scolding herself inwardly at her stupidity. She didn't know whether he was still with that OR nurse from years ago. He could be happily married.
But something about him told her he wasn't.
Something about him told her he was still lonely.
"Abby?" Lauren said, lifting her head from Abby's shoulder and looking up at her.
"Yes?" Abby knew Lauren had been thinking of Brian. Whenever the girl got quiet and sad like that, she was thinking of her father and mother whom she had so suddenly lost.
"Tomorrow is 'bring your father day' at school. You're supposed to bring your father and he tells all of the kids what he does for a living and stuff like that. Do I have to go?"
Abby had known about 'bring your father to school day' for a while now. She didn't know what to say to Lauren. She smiled sadly at the little girl and waves of her own grief encompassed her.
Brian… I need you and you're not here. You promised you would always be here. Come back, Brian. Let me wake up and find that this is all a dream.
She placed the paper on the empty chair beside her and put her arms around the little girl. She knew that Lauren would not cry and that she would accept whatever Abby told her.
"I'll think about it, okay?"
Lauren nodded and resumed her staring out the El window, her head resting on Abby's shoulder. Abby had to fight to hold back her own tears.
In some ways, she thought, Lauren was braver than she was.
~*~
Little did Abby know, but Carter was sitting in his own home thinking about Abby. Wondering why she had come back, wondering if she still thought of him the way he thought of her.
He did a mental head-slap remembering his own rudeness upon seeing her again. He was the idiot. He had let that stupid OR nurse come onto him. He had known her for little over two weeks, and he always amused himself with the knowledge that she had a crush on him. She was younger, of course, and he thought it was 'cute' that she was so taken with him.
When she had come up to him in the lounge that day, he had been taken by surprise. He had gently tried to push her away from him, but she was insistent.
He had muttered for her 'stop' and 'leave him alone' telling her that he was 'involved with someone'. But she hadn't listened.
He hated himself for not being fiercer.
He hated himself for ruining it all with Abby.
That had been awful.
And seeing Abby back at the hospital had been almost like a second chance for him.
He swore to himself that he would make it better this time.
~*~
Abby and Lauren were eating pizza that night. Lauren's favorite food. Abby had picked some up on the way home from the El stop. She was still trying to think of a way to console Lauren.
"Okay, Lauren," Abby began finally, knowing that the little girl's mind would not be at peace until she dealt with this problem, "You have two options for tomorrow," she tried to sound strong, though she was feeling horribly. The girl was listening intently, "You can either not go to school and you'd have to come with me to the hospital. I only have a half-shift tomorrow and I can't take the day off. Or, you can go to school and take a picture of Daddy and tell the girls about him even though he won't be there. I'm sure there will be other girls whose fathers couldn't take the day off work or can't make it."
Abby hated Lauren's teacher suddenly. The teacher knew that Brian had only recently died. What? She couldn't find it in her to make it 'bring your mother to school day'? Lauren wouldn't have been nearly upset. She could have taken Abby and nobody would have known the difference. It wouldn't be as bad. She'd at least have someone to take. She knew that Lauren didn't have a father. The girl was seven for crying out loud. How did the teacher think she would feel?
"Abby?" Lauren said, a tear finding its way down her cheek, "I really don't want to go."
Abby nodded understandingly.
"Okay," she said nodding, "Okay."
And she put her arm over Lauren's shoulder hoping it comforted her even slightly. The girl nuzzled her face against Abby, letting more tears fall down her cheeks.
"Shhh," Abby consoled, "It's okay."
~*~
Lauren held tight to Abby's hand the next day as they approached the hospital. She had her knapsack filled with dolls and coloring toys and everything she needed to occupy herself for the time that Abby would be working on patients.
She was a good kid and Abby knew she wouldn't cause anyone any problems.
Susan was standing at admit. when Abby entered and she smiled when she saw them, coming up to say hi.
"Oh, this must be Lauren," she said with a grin. Abby nodded.
"No school for her today and I only have a half-shift, so she came to visit the hospital until I'm done."
"Hey, Lauren, I'm Susan." Susan held out a hand and Lauren smiled, accepting it happily.
"I'm off in just under three hours; I could watch her until you're done. If that's okay with the two of you. Scottie's at home with the nanny and I'm sure he'd be happy to entertain her," she finished with a grin.
Abby looked down at Lauren questioningly. Lauren was kind of shy, but it was obvious that she liked Susan with her bubbly happiness and easygoing smile. Lauren nodded and Susan grinned.
"I love red hair;" Susan said eyeing Lauren's curls wistfully, "I always wished I had red hair." Lauren grinned and Abby took her hand leading her to the lounge, thanking Susan profusely.
"No problem," Susan said over her shoulder as she headed back to pick up a chart, "She's adorable."
Abby settled Lauren into the lounge, taking out her toys and juice box and snacks.
"Okay," she said, taking a seat next to Lauren, "I need to go work, but I'll stop in on you as often as I can. Don't leave the lounge, okay? Play with your dolls and if you need me, just pick up this phone here and dial this number," she gestured toward a piece of paper on which she had scrawled her pager and cell phone numbers, "Susan is going to take you to her place soon and I'll pick you up from there, okay? We could go to a movie or something and then have dinner or we could just hang around. You can decide, okay?"
Lauren nodded.
"Thank you for letting me come here, Abby," she said quietly. Abby put her arm around Lauren's shoulder.
"You're welcome. Love you, kiddo."
"Love you back, Abby."
~*~
Abby entered the lounge about an hour later. She had fifteen minutes off, so she wanted to spend some time with Lauren.
She pushed the door open and heard Lauren's childish giggle mixed with the deep chuckle of his familiar voice.
She turned her head abruptly.
Carter was seated in a chair opposite Lauren holding one of her dolls up, having an imaginary conversation with the doll that Lauren was holding.
"Hi, Abby!" Lauren exclaimed, dropping the toy and getting up to greet her. Carter was staring at her, his chocolaty brown eyes mixing up her emotions.
"Hey," she said, hugging Lauren distractedly.
"Abby," Carter said with a friendly nod of his head as he stood up to greet them. Abby grinned back at him.
An image of Brian lying sprawled on Lauren's floor holding a doll and giggling with her in the same fashion that Carter just had sprung into her mind and she was choking to hold back tears.
She heard Brian's own deep laughter as she kissed Lauren on the forehead and she saw his eyes light up with happiness as he put her bed and listened to her sound out words when she was learning to read and watched as she baked cookies with Abby in the kitchen always proclaiming them as 'delicious' when he took his first bite. Lauren would giggle and put her flour-covered hand on his shirt leaving a little hand-print that Abby hated to wash off.
Abby squeezed Lauren and smiled at her as they parted.
"Having fun with Dr. Carter?" she said.
"Yep. How long until I go to Susan's house?"
Abby looked at her watch.
"About an hour. I'm sorry, Lauren. I know you're getting bored."
"I'm not."
"Okay, I came to make a cup of coffee. Wanna have a snack together?" Lauren nodded happily.
"Like a tea-party?"
"Exactly like a tea-party," Abby replied.
Carter was still sitting there, looking kind of comical now holding the doll. He got up and wiped his hands on his scrubs.
"Well, I should probably head back to work. See you later, Lauren."
Abby smiled at him again.
"Thanks," she said.
"My pleasure. And maybe we could have a talk later?" Abby nodded her head, wondering what he wanted to talk about before heading toward the coffee-maker, waiting until she heard the lounge door close safely behind her before starting to make coffee.
~*~
Carter walked out of the lounge.
He knew that her husband had just passed away. He had seen the wistful look in her eyes and he was sure she had been thinking of him. Carter was insanely jealous of the man.
This man had gotten the woman that he had lost.
Carter had to set things straight with Abby.
Tell her what happened before she walked into the lounge four years ago.
He didn't know why it mattered anymore, but he knew it did.
She needed to know.