by Lethe
Chapter Fifteen: Fearing
What is this?
What is going on?
Pain.
Hurt.
Why do I feel it? I'm not weak. I'm not a person who takes offense at every small jab, who bursts into tears because someone has laughed at him.
But then…
Why am I crying?
I remember yelling at the girls who were scorning me. The teacher had looked so surprised. I had never done anything of the sort before. I remember grabbing my briefcase and running out of the classroom. I hadn't even tried to look dignified, had I? No, I had felt the tears on my cheeks. I couldn't hide them.
I ran away.
I ran away.
Why?
It's hard to love people when you don't have a heart.
That's what they said.
That's what I am afraid of.
It hurt to hear it.
And I ran away from the pain.
Sometimes, lying in the dark, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of myself. That what they say about me is true. That I would wake up one day and find that I had hurt the ones I loved the most, so terribly that I could never be forgiven.
I went to great lengths, many times before, to protect Mokuba. To prove to him, and to myself, that I loved him and would keep him safe. I didn't want him to be hurt. I always felt pain when the ability to save him was beyond my reach.
Like the time I failed, and Mokuba's soul was rescued, not by me, but by Yugi. I was unable to help him.
I'm afraid that that will happen again. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt Jonouchi.
Especially him.
My room is blurred again.
This is why I never liked crying. It blurs your vision. I can't see.
It's like love.
I remember thinking that.
What am I going to do? I ran out of class. The students are probably all talking about me.
But then, that's a rather self-centered thought, isn't it?
This is pain.
This is what it feels like.
I have to remember this feeling.
I don't want to ever make Jonouchi feel this way.
And I don't want to feel it, either.
Even though it does prove something…
They were wrong. I do have a heart.
I'm human.
The door is opening. I look up. I can't see the figure outlined in the doorway clearly.
He is silent, unmoving. Tall. I see colors through my tears. A haze of bright gold and blue. He is watching me. He speaks in a whisper.
"God, Seto, what happened to you?"
I try to choke out words, but I can't reply.
Jonouchi sits on the bed next to me, holds something out to me. I take the tissue.
He reaches out to me. His arms enclose me. "It's all right," he says quietly. "It's all right."
For the longest time, he holds me.
Would I have been different, if I had grown up with this love?
I don't know.
But I am content, in this moment.
For he is with me.