Smile
Part Two
by Lethe
Chapter Nineteen: And the Flame Shall Forever Flicker
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Jeez. Yami's so repetitive. ^__^;;
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I've lost.
To Kaiba, yes, but I don't care about that – not too much, anyway. My ego will recover in due time.
But the other loss, I cannot bear, and it is tearing my faded soul apart. I can talk to no one about it, either – nobody save myself can ever know.
I must remind myself that I have no rights to this life. By all accounts, I should be long dead. I am grateful for every breath I can feel my vessel take, every emotion that he lets past his mental barrier, every thought; even pain I am more than thankful to have.
But.
It feels more and more, these days, like I am merely a bystander in 'my' own body – I live for him, and he takes me as a natural part of life.
There are some times he doesn't even realize I am with him.
Last night, when my partner was going to go to bed, and she walked him to the door –
I felt his heart pounding. I felt his breath quickening.
My heart. My breath.
I knew that I should give him his privacy, but I couldn't remove myself from the strength of the sensations that passed through him – me – us.
She was holding his hand, lightly. A small gesture, but it filled him with joy.
I was so incredibly giddy; I felt that if I were still living, I would faint.
Before I realized what was happening, we were at Yugi's bedroom's door, and her face was so close to hismineours that we could define every eyelash, make out every sapphire fleck in her smiling blue eyes, and then closer-
What was happening?!
Rooted to the spot, and couldn't move, but to place our hands around her neck and pull closer, pull closer into this, discovering every bright flame of joy and seeing it spark anew, again, and brighter, quicker, sweeter –
I should not have been there. I should have sealed myself away, done something, anything, to protect him - or myself? - from my gaze…
Too late. Too much. Another feeling now, except not his – my own feeling.
Sadness.
Why am I upset?
He lies in bed now, and I watch over him. I don't need to sleep – so I think, until he wakes up and I'm not lonely any more.
It's true – he does look innocent when he sleeps, pure. Gentle and untainted. I'm here, though.
I am his darkness.
Why am I upset?
He is the image of me, myself in the flesh again. Smoother, rounder perhaps, but still me all the same. To love him would be sheer narcissism.
And yet, I do.
As a brother or as a lover, I am not certain…
There's nothing I can do.
And so…
I shall sit here, this faint body not even leaving a crease in the bedspread, watching…
waiting…
I've lost.
I mean, I knew it was hopeless – not from the beginning, but definitely later – but I kept on believing. That maybe – maybe – he could realize what it was I felt.
And maybe feel the same way.
But, no, I had to watch and do nothing as he took him away.
Who watched his back for so long? Who was always there for him when the gangs got rough?
It sure as hell wasn't you, Kaiba.
What do you have that I don't?
Aside from the obvious money, prestige, and wit, that is.
You can just see the glow in his eyes whenever they're together, you know. It's obvious that they're completely into each other, and when I'm right behind them, they don't even know I'm there.
I guess I was kind of mad about it, for a while. Like, I would see them doing their thing – hugging, flirting, whatever – and rush off somewhere to sulk.
But… it's better now. Kind of.
I was surprised when Jou forgave me, that's for sure. I thought he was going to go ballistic on me.
Since when does he actually think rationally before acting? I guess Kaiba's influenced him for the better. And that's good.
Wish it could have been me.
So, anyway, the battle that I never fought has been lost, and I'm sitting here thinking all these melancholy thoughts while everybody else is in the pool. Yeah. There's Anzu, doing a perfect flip off the diving board; Mokuba and Shizuka, trying to sneak up on their brothers and splash the wits out of them; Yugi is staring at Anzu – or maybe just her two-piece swimsuit – strangely; and Katsuya and Kaiba are 'hanging out'. They haven't realized that Mokuba and Shizuka are behind them yet.
Now they have.
Heh. Mokuba should try out for his school's swim team.
What Jonouchi said earlier disturbed me, though, and I don't know why.
What do I think of Otogi?
Huh.
Who knew that Jonouchi was gay? You would never guess from the way he acts. I always figured he was flirting with me.
How's that for arrogant?
Yeah, I know, self-centered Mai thinks the entire world revolves around her, and I thought that that was a pretty damn good theory…
Until that day.
First time this sort of thing has ever happened to me – I never had any real friends until they showed up. I never got even close to a romantic relationship with anybody.
What should I have done? I couldn't ignore my feelings.
Maybe I should have gotten to know him a bit better first. Maybe I should have asked whether he was going out with anybody. Maybe, maybe, maybe – all the things I could have done and didn't that are coming back to smack me in the face.
I'll get over it. I don't need anybody – but if I do find someone, this time I'll know what to do differently.
Yeah, right.
My life is like a really bad soap opera.
And who doesn't like bad soap operas – when they're happening to someone else?