TITLE: Underneath It All
RATING: PG-13, to be safe.
SPOILERS: Do the Math, and I think probably Anonymous, now that I think of it.
PAIRING: J/A
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters or Joan of Arcadia. Barbara Hall owns them.
Author's Note: Wow, this section is quite long. Enjoy it! I probably won't update until at least the weekend, if not later. I didn't intend of updating for awhile, but I couldn't help it, I had to keep writing. Thank you to everyone for their wonderful reviews. I enjoy every one of them. They do tend to make me write a bit faster ... lol.
Chapter 3: The Comfort of Truth
Joan and Grace walked out of the school at the end of the day. Grace hadn't said anything more to Joan about what she saw, and didn't seem to think it was anymore important than what she indicated. There seemed to be no answers to Grace lying to her, Adam giving her the cold shoulder, and the hurt that both her best friends had caused. It was only one incident, and given the track record of their friendships, it was only right to believe there was an explanation for everything that had gone on. Still, Joan was unsure of her role knowing what she knew now. Staying behind the scenes has always been difficult for her, especially with God wanting her to continually be upstage. That characteristic has always been apart of her life, and thinking of Adam going through some difficult times without her made her sick to her stomach. She had never felt so helpless.
Grace suddenly said something, causing Joan to swim out of her endless worries. Joan gave Grace a questionable look. "What?"
Her friend replied with annoyance, "I said I have to go straight home. I have to rehearse for my bar mitzvah."
Joan nodded. "Oh, ok"
Grace flipped her bag over her shoulder, and glanced to Joan. She smirked a little, replying, "We still on for studying tonight at the new coffee place?"
Joan looked to her quickly. "Yeah, of course."
Grace nodded in response, keeping the vigil of normalcy. Joan wasn't sure if that should be comforting, or if Grace's apparent apathy towards her lie should remind Joan to stay angry. Before Joan could work up the courage to say something, Grace was gone. Joan was alone once again.
As Joan began to walk home, all she could think of was the past few days. She tried not to let herself get too caught up into this, knowing that she wasn't supposed to know anything. In truth, she didn't know anything. All she knew of were the sad, intense faces that she had seen on Adam and Grace, and the fact that Adam hadn't spoken to her since the day before. Joan laughed at herself, hearing these situations run through her head. It was no wonder she felt there was more to what was actually going on. Everything seemed completely messed up.
Just as these thoughts were drowning themselves in her pool of concerns, a voice called, "Listening isn't easy, is it, Joan?" Joan stopped immediately, and looked around to see that she had led herself to the playground. Where the playground was, usually God was there as well. Joan was reassured of this as she saw a young girl in her normal pink outfit, staring at her from behind the fence separating the playground from the street. Joan just sighed as she walked a little closer.
"Not when I know I can do more," Joan replied as she decided to just sit on the grass in front of God, legs crossed.
God only replied, "The hardest task for many is to just listen. However, one can learn more when they accomplish this. What have you learned?"
Joan shrugged with failure. "Only that Adam has a problem and he won't tell me what it is."
God's expression remained. "Did you hear this? Or just assumed?"
Joan's eyes suddenly showed a bit of realization. "Assumed."
God nodded. "Assumptions are dangerous and are rarely true. They cause problems because conclusions are often based upon them. Listening requires the ability to decipher between assumptions and what is truth. This is difficult, especially when a certain conclusion seems the obvious answer to a problem, even though how one gets to that conclusion has no merit."
Joan smirked. "You're like one big fortune cookie."
God just shrugged and continued, "Who have you listened to?"
Joan thought for a second, trying to remember her conversations during the past two days. Her mind whirled, and she began listing, "I don't know, Adam. Grace. Luke ..." Joan stopped suddenly, remembering Luke wanting to talk with her. She looked to God with sadness shadowing her features. Always the assignment referred to something that she didn't think of at first, and this mission was no different. "Luke," she uttered again, and God only nodded.
"It comes back to priorities, Joan. When vision is overcome by one or two people, the others who obviously need help and are asking for it are lost. Sometimes the only way to solve your own problems is to solve the problems of others," God said matter-of-factly.
Joan didn't know if she should ask, but she also felt she deserved an answer. "What about Adam then?"
God began to back away. "Keep listening to the truth and everything else will fall into place," God replied, and Joan suddenly felt a small comfort wash over her heart and soul, despite God's normal vagueness. God then walked away, giving His signature wave. Joan watched Him leave, knowing that her assignment was much more important than she had originally thought. There was confidence now that everything was going to work out for the best.
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Luke had returned home from school a little earlier than he expected. In fact, he had left after Joan, and he was home before she was. However, Luke didn't think too much of this considering that Joan was most likely with Adam, Grace, or both. His mind was primarily on Glynis and their latest argument. It had become a little more difficult dealing with this relationship, and he was beginning to wonder if it was worth it. Glynis tended to be highly sensitive, and whenever they argued she would become very upset. On top of that, Luke found himself the one apologizing even when he wasn't entirely positive that it was his fault.
As he walked through the hall on the second floor of their home, he heard Kevin active in his room. Luke glanced at his watch, noting it was already 5:30 PM. He had been studying for some time. Glancing at Kevin's room, Luke felt a need to talk. Kevin tended to help him, especially with stuff like this. He had already tried Joan, but she seemed too preoccupied with other things.
Walking up to Kevin's door, he knocked. He heard a 'yeah' on the other side, and Luke opened the door to peer in. "Hey," Luke said, seeing Kevin working on one of his articles. "I didn't mean to bother you."
Kevin shrugged, "No problem. I need a break anyway. What's up?"
Luke walked completely inside now, his nervousness apparent. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
Kevin started to feel a bit apprehensive himself seeing Luke's mood. "Ok."
Luke nodded, thinking of his choice of words carefully before starting this conversation. "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by Glynis."
Kevin felt his apprehension fade quickly, glad that the conversation was taking a route he could handle. "Oh, ok. Well, um ... why are you feeling overwhelmed?"
Luke shrugged. "I don't know. She calls me a lot, is outside of my locker constantly, she argues with me when I don't call her. I keep telling her I have a lot of work to do ..." but before he could continue, Kevin jumped in.
"It sounds like you're overwhelmed. Do you like the relationship?" Kevin asked. Luke hesitated, and then replied quickly, "Yeah, sure. I mean, I've had a lot of fun. And I do like her."
Kevin smiled. "Good. That's important."
"I just don't know what to do."
Kevin looked to his brother with sincerity as he replied, "You may not like her enough to want to deal with the relationship."
"So what do I do?"
"You talk to her," a voice replied from behind Luke. Luke turned quickly to see Joan staring at them, her arms crossed. Luke didn't know what to say, seeing her sister's face full of concern. He didn't even realize she had been in the room.
He di "Hey," Luke said quietly.
Joan smiled warmly at her brother, walking into the room a little further. "It took me 4 months to get used to the idea of a relationship, despite how much I loved Adam. I just wasn't ready. I felt overwhelmed by Adam at first, and now ... I can't be with him enough. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you should talk to her. She may not realize she's acting this way, and maybe your reservations are trying to tell you something more about how you really feel about the relationship. They were for me."
Luke smiled back at Joan, his voice indicating his appreciation as he answered, "Yeah, maybe."
Kevin laughed lightly, looking to Luke. "I totally agree with her, by the way."
Luke glanced back at Kevin, laughing. Joan soon joined in, unable to control her laughter as she watched her two brothers. Luke's confidence had catapulted, mainly because of Joan's honesty. She was right. He had to face his true feelings, whether he wanted to or not. It was important to both Glynis and himself that he did this.
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Standing outside of Kevin's door stood Will, hearing the laughter coming from the room. He felt a bit helpless, knowing that he wasn't a source of advice for Luke. He seemed to be talking it out with Kevin and Joan, which was good. Will felt his heart ache a little, though, realizing then that Luke would rather go to his brother and sister than himself. In fact, he practically denied that he had a problem when Will asked him, yet he acted so open with Joan and Kevin. Will sighed, finding it difficult to accept that his own son couldn't come and talk to him.
Will decided to push it aside and attend to the task he was assigned. "Dinner is ready," he called, and soon was down the stairs quickly.
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Helen was placing the many dishes for dinner on the dining room table, smiling to herself as she saw her entire family together. Dinner time was a favorite for her for this very reason. Kevin assumed his place, and Joan was helping her mother place the food on the table. Helen had noticed a sudden change in Will's mood, and though she could assume why, she decided it was prudent to keep her mouth shut. They would have a chance to discuss it later.
As they all sat down to eat, and as the plates of food were being passed, Will asked, "How was everyone's day?" Silence was his answer as everyone just concentrated on eating. They usually had decent conversations at the dinner table, but it was apparent that tonight no one wanted to share their rough days. Will shrugged. "Don't everyone answer me at once."
Helen finally spoke up, "My day was good. My classes went well." She then looked to Joan. "Adam seemed a bit quiet today."
Joan replied simply, "Really?" She was intent on hiding her day's events, and her mother was certainly not going to be able to extract her recent problems. Maybe she was acting just like Adam by hiding her problems from someone she should be able to talk to, but Joan really didn't care that much. At the moment she did not want to rehash the problem over and over again. As God has suggested, she would keep her mind on Luke's problem for awhile.
Helen could tell there was more to Adam's mood and her daughter's, but she knew better than to cross the line too soon. Joan would talk over time. Helen smiled to herself, feeling the tension at the table between everyone. If they could get through this dinner to live another day, Helen would be happy. Looking to Will, seeing him quiet, and then to her children, she noted that emotions were running high. Knowing her family, they tended to unleash those emotions if they saw fit. They wouldn't be able to hold them in for too long.
"How was your day, Luke?" Will asked.
Luke looked up from his plate. "Fine."
Will nodded. "That's all?"
Luke shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so."
"After last night, I thought maybe today would have been just as bad," Will reasoned.
Luke's discomfort was now obvious, but he only answered, "Last night
was fine." Joan could tell the conversation might turn ugly knowing Luke's wish to keep his problems with Glynis between Kevin and herself. He was always very guarded with such emotions, and he rarely ever talked about them to anybody. Knowing this, Joan felt a need to change the subject.
"Daddy, my day was good. It was better than I thought it would be," Joan offered, but she immediately realized it wouldn't have any effect.
Will nodded, "That's good, Joan. I'm glad your day went well." He then looked to Luke again. "Did you day go just as well, Luke?"
Will didn't know the frustration rising in his son's soul. Luke had only experienced this anger a few times in his life, and when it came, it often revealed emotions that he had been hiding for years. Only Kevin had seen it once when Luke declared his darkest secret. Luke hated getting this way, but he also hated that his father was trying to ask him about a subject that he had no right to ask about.
"I didn't think you cared," Luke uttered, only realizing the impact of what he said after he had said it. He looked to Joan, whose eyes were blank with shock, as was Kevin, who remained concentrated on his food, trying desperately to forget what he was hearing. The conversation had suddenly become one that the rest of the family didn't need to be apart of, yet they were.
"What did you say?" Will asked, quite hurt from his son's apparent belief. He had no idea that Luke had even thought something like that. How could he know? Luke was always so quiet and kept so many things to himself.
Luke just laughed to himself. "You've never wanted to know before. You were always concerned about Kevin's relationships, his sports, the accident. Or the fact that Joan's your precious little girl, who has suddenly turned crazy. The youngest is bound to be forgotten in everything else that needs your attention."
Will's eyes showed his hurt, disgust, and anger that his son would even think something like this. He loved Luke, he wanted to know everything that he was going through and dealing with. He couldn't believe that Luke didn't realize this, despite the amount of struggles that Kevin and Joan had been in recently. He suddenly realized that the table had become silent, everyone looking to him for a response.
He sighed deeply, feeling the room closing in on him. "Luke, I love all three of you equally, and I want to know what's going on in your lives. That's why I'm asking, I'm concerned." As Will thought about his words, he felt he had been level-headed, knowing he couldn't let his emotions get the best of him.
Luke just shook his head. "Or you're feeling guilty because you haven't showed interest before."
Will replied quickly with great emotion, "Luke!"
Luke stood up then, grabbing the attention of everyone at the table, all who were trying to pretend they were somewhere else. Now they couldn't ignore it, and Joan knew a barrier had broken within Luke. He was unleashing years of frustration, years of hurt. Throwing his fork to his plate, Luke shouted back, "No, Dad, you're going to listen. You wanted to hear it, right? Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yes, I ...," Will began to respond, but Luke quickly jumped in.
"It's always been about Kevin. He was a successful athlete, so I barely existed. When he had his accident, I was ignored completely. Joan started doing crazy things, and suddenly all the attention was on her. I enter a relationship, and I'm still ignored, and you only noticed it because Joan and Kevin haven't had any issues lately, and your job hasn't been as demanding. You haven't cared before, why should I believe it now?" Luke said, practically shouting by the end of his declaration of hurt and betrayal.
Joan felt the intensity of the scene, looking to her father and then back to her brother. She could scarcely believe what she was hearing, and was shocked at the revelation of such hurt feelings. Her heart ached deeply for Luke, her little brother. All she wanted to do was hug him, make him feel better. There were no words for such emotions and for such a scene. However, she also wanted to comfort her father, as well. Not only for all the times that he has comforted her, but because she wanted to remind him that no matter what, she has always loved him and will always love him.
Luke turned to Joan, seeing her face full of sorrow and concern. He could tell Joan wanted to say something, wanted to bring rationale back into their world, but her silence revealed nothing could be said. He just sighed deeply, stepping away from the table. Will remained silent because he knew saying something now would make things worse. Everyone watched as Luke left, and Joan couldn't stop her heart from racing. It was too much for all of them, too much revealed in merely sitting down for dinner. No one knew what to do with it all.
Joan felt God's words enter her consciousness. Listening was essential to find truth. Suddenly Joan felt it all fitting together, despite the mess between her brother and her father. Not only was her father hearing the truth from just listening, but Joan felt the weight of such a truth, felt the door opening to allow her to help because of listening. Luke's problems were much more serious than hers with Adam at the moment, which was why God had stressed that she should help him. Joan intended on doing just that.
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The night seemed as if it would never end. Studying tended to take a lot out of Joan, and tonight was no different. Just coming back from the coffee house with Grace, she was exhausted. It was only around 10:00 PM, but it felt like 1:00 AM after the day she had. Not only did her problems with Adam become much worse, but now tension was running in high volume throughout her family. The fact was no one in their family knew Luke had such strong feelings of neglect towards their father. The situation had suddenly become much more complicated, and Luke's problems with Glynis became the tip of the iceberg. As did her own problems with Adam.
As she parked in the driveway and stepped out of the car, the burden of the day began to lessen. Knowing that sleep awaited her gave her happiness, and not much was going to keep her away from it. Walking the length of the driveway to the sidewalk thinking about the many dreams she has had recently, most specifically concerning a special person who chose to leave her out of his life the past few days, her eyes caught something interesting in her kitchen window. Her heart almost began to sink as she noted the image.
"Adam," she whispered, seeing him sitting at the kitchen table talking to her mother. Again she noticed his face full of hurt and worry, and she was feeling it again – the ache in her heart. She knew she had to remember that there was no way for her to know what they were talking about, and she could not make assumptions. However, this was the second time she saw her boyfriend talking out his problem with someone other than her.
Instead of wallowing as she did the first time, she knew it was better to just walk in her house as normal. She had to remember that she wasn't supposed to know anything, and she needed to allow Adam come to her in his time. Assumptions were very dangerous, recalling the words that God had used. She could not let them overcome her emotions or thoughts. Waiting for the truth was essential to prevent more misunderstanding and hurt. It took her little brother years to finally find the courage to say something, but that was because he didn't feel their father was being attentive. Joan sighed, realizing she needed to be attentive to Adam, despite his vague emotions. She also couldn't push him, as Joan saw from her Dad and her little brother.
Joan opened the door to her house carefully, walking as quietly as possible. Looking around the corner, she saw what she had seen in the window: Adam and her mother sitting at the kitchen table. Adam stood up immediately, his eyes showing happiness to see her. Her mother stood, as well, and glanced to her daughter. "How did the studying go, Joan?" Helen asked. However, she did not get an answer as Joan and Adam kept their eyes on each other.
After a few seconds, Joan responded quietly, "Good." Her eyes only glimpsed a look at her mother and returned back to Adam. Helen smiled, feeling that any possible tension between the two was going to get resolved in the next few minutes.
Helen moved between them and up the stairs. "See you in the morning."
Adam walked to the bottom of the stairs and said quickly, "Thank you, Mrs. Girardi."
Joan's mother turned and nodded. "Your welcome, Adam." She then proceeded up the stairs.
Adam turned back to Joan and he couldn't stop from smiling. "Sorry I didn't meet you today. I had some errands and stuff to run."
Joan nodded, already feeling the weight of her anger and frustration begin to pass. Just seeing her Adam made her heart fill with joy. It was all she needed. "That's ok. Not that I haven't had the same problems, right?" She had missed Adam, even though it had only been a few days since she had been with him. Every part of her being missed him.
Adam must have felt the same way, because it didn't take him long to reach his hand out to her. Joan smiled at him, clasping his hand with hers. He pulled her to him playfully, wrapping his arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around his neck and they shared a warm embrace. Joan could feel all of her worries and problems from the past few days, from Grace to her little brother, melting away like they never existed.
Joan pulled away just a little to look at him. He smiled warmly, and went to kiss her, but she stopped him with her hand to his cheek. "First I want to know what you're doing here," she whispered, saying it lightly to hide her intentions.
He shrugged. "I wanted to know if you wanted to do something tomorrow night."
Joan felt the obvious question come to her lips, "Why didn't you just call?"
Adam only smiled and leaned in to kiss her. It was soft and sweet all at the same time, and she knew it had been way too long since they had done this. It was only a day or so, but it seemed like a lifetime. When Adam pulled away, Joan cupped his face in her hands as she leaned her forehead against his. "I'll see you tomorrow then?" Adam nodded, wrapping his arms tighter around her, embracing her. Joan could feel the tension in his shoulders and back as she wrapped her arms around him fully. It was the same tension he had nights before.
Joan finally felt a sense of why he had come. Even though he hadn't said anything to her about his problem, he needed her to help him release his tension. He needed her comfort, and her giving it to him without any questions asked. Her giving it to him with everything she had. That's why he had come over. He needed her. Joan felt this inside of her soul and she hugged him with not only her arms but also with her heart.
Cue Music ... End of Scene ... Commercial Break! (
To be continued ...
Reviews always welcome!!! They make me write faster ...
RATING: PG-13, to be safe.
SPOILERS: Do the Math, and I think probably Anonymous, now that I think of it.
PAIRING: J/A
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters or Joan of Arcadia. Barbara Hall owns them.
Author's Note: Wow, this section is quite long. Enjoy it! I probably won't update until at least the weekend, if not later. I didn't intend of updating for awhile, but I couldn't help it, I had to keep writing. Thank you to everyone for their wonderful reviews. I enjoy every one of them. They do tend to make me write a bit faster ... lol.
Chapter 3: The Comfort of Truth
Joan and Grace walked out of the school at the end of the day. Grace hadn't said anything more to Joan about what she saw, and didn't seem to think it was anymore important than what she indicated. There seemed to be no answers to Grace lying to her, Adam giving her the cold shoulder, and the hurt that both her best friends had caused. It was only one incident, and given the track record of their friendships, it was only right to believe there was an explanation for everything that had gone on. Still, Joan was unsure of her role knowing what she knew now. Staying behind the scenes has always been difficult for her, especially with God wanting her to continually be upstage. That characteristic has always been apart of her life, and thinking of Adam going through some difficult times without her made her sick to her stomach. She had never felt so helpless.
Grace suddenly said something, causing Joan to swim out of her endless worries. Joan gave Grace a questionable look. "What?"
Her friend replied with annoyance, "I said I have to go straight home. I have to rehearse for my bar mitzvah."
Joan nodded. "Oh, ok"
Grace flipped her bag over her shoulder, and glanced to Joan. She smirked a little, replying, "We still on for studying tonight at the new coffee place?"
Joan looked to her quickly. "Yeah, of course."
Grace nodded in response, keeping the vigil of normalcy. Joan wasn't sure if that should be comforting, or if Grace's apparent apathy towards her lie should remind Joan to stay angry. Before Joan could work up the courage to say something, Grace was gone. Joan was alone once again.
As Joan began to walk home, all she could think of was the past few days. She tried not to let herself get too caught up into this, knowing that she wasn't supposed to know anything. In truth, she didn't know anything. All she knew of were the sad, intense faces that she had seen on Adam and Grace, and the fact that Adam hadn't spoken to her since the day before. Joan laughed at herself, hearing these situations run through her head. It was no wonder she felt there was more to what was actually going on. Everything seemed completely messed up.
Just as these thoughts were drowning themselves in her pool of concerns, a voice called, "Listening isn't easy, is it, Joan?" Joan stopped immediately, and looked around to see that she had led herself to the playground. Where the playground was, usually God was there as well. Joan was reassured of this as she saw a young girl in her normal pink outfit, staring at her from behind the fence separating the playground from the street. Joan just sighed as she walked a little closer.
"Not when I know I can do more," Joan replied as she decided to just sit on the grass in front of God, legs crossed.
God only replied, "The hardest task for many is to just listen. However, one can learn more when they accomplish this. What have you learned?"
Joan shrugged with failure. "Only that Adam has a problem and he won't tell me what it is."
God's expression remained. "Did you hear this? Or just assumed?"
Joan's eyes suddenly showed a bit of realization. "Assumed."
God nodded. "Assumptions are dangerous and are rarely true. They cause problems because conclusions are often based upon them. Listening requires the ability to decipher between assumptions and what is truth. This is difficult, especially when a certain conclusion seems the obvious answer to a problem, even though how one gets to that conclusion has no merit."
Joan smirked. "You're like one big fortune cookie."
God just shrugged and continued, "Who have you listened to?"
Joan thought for a second, trying to remember her conversations during the past two days. Her mind whirled, and she began listing, "I don't know, Adam. Grace. Luke ..." Joan stopped suddenly, remembering Luke wanting to talk with her. She looked to God with sadness shadowing her features. Always the assignment referred to something that she didn't think of at first, and this mission was no different. "Luke," she uttered again, and God only nodded.
"It comes back to priorities, Joan. When vision is overcome by one or two people, the others who obviously need help and are asking for it are lost. Sometimes the only way to solve your own problems is to solve the problems of others," God said matter-of-factly.
Joan didn't know if she should ask, but she also felt she deserved an answer. "What about Adam then?"
God began to back away. "Keep listening to the truth and everything else will fall into place," God replied, and Joan suddenly felt a small comfort wash over her heart and soul, despite God's normal vagueness. God then walked away, giving His signature wave. Joan watched Him leave, knowing that her assignment was much more important than she had originally thought. There was confidence now that everything was going to work out for the best.
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Luke had returned home from school a little earlier than he expected. In fact, he had left after Joan, and he was home before she was. However, Luke didn't think too much of this considering that Joan was most likely with Adam, Grace, or both. His mind was primarily on Glynis and their latest argument. It had become a little more difficult dealing with this relationship, and he was beginning to wonder if it was worth it. Glynis tended to be highly sensitive, and whenever they argued she would become very upset. On top of that, Luke found himself the one apologizing even when he wasn't entirely positive that it was his fault.
As he walked through the hall on the second floor of their home, he heard Kevin active in his room. Luke glanced at his watch, noting it was already 5:30 PM. He had been studying for some time. Glancing at Kevin's room, Luke felt a need to talk. Kevin tended to help him, especially with stuff like this. He had already tried Joan, but she seemed too preoccupied with other things.
Walking up to Kevin's door, he knocked. He heard a 'yeah' on the other side, and Luke opened the door to peer in. "Hey," Luke said, seeing Kevin working on one of his articles. "I didn't mean to bother you."
Kevin shrugged, "No problem. I need a break anyway. What's up?"
Luke walked completely inside now, his nervousness apparent. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
Kevin started to feel a bit apprehensive himself seeing Luke's mood. "Ok."
Luke nodded, thinking of his choice of words carefully before starting this conversation. "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by Glynis."
Kevin felt his apprehension fade quickly, glad that the conversation was taking a route he could handle. "Oh, ok. Well, um ... why are you feeling overwhelmed?"
Luke shrugged. "I don't know. She calls me a lot, is outside of my locker constantly, she argues with me when I don't call her. I keep telling her I have a lot of work to do ..." but before he could continue, Kevin jumped in.
"It sounds like you're overwhelmed. Do you like the relationship?" Kevin asked. Luke hesitated, and then replied quickly, "Yeah, sure. I mean, I've had a lot of fun. And I do like her."
Kevin smiled. "Good. That's important."
"I just don't know what to do."
Kevin looked to his brother with sincerity as he replied, "You may not like her enough to want to deal with the relationship."
"So what do I do?"
"You talk to her," a voice replied from behind Luke. Luke turned quickly to see Joan staring at them, her arms crossed. Luke didn't know what to say, seeing her sister's face full of concern. He didn't even realize she had been in the room.
He di "Hey," Luke said quietly.
Joan smiled warmly at her brother, walking into the room a little further. "It took me 4 months to get used to the idea of a relationship, despite how much I loved Adam. I just wasn't ready. I felt overwhelmed by Adam at first, and now ... I can't be with him enough. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you should talk to her. She may not realize she's acting this way, and maybe your reservations are trying to tell you something more about how you really feel about the relationship. They were for me."
Luke smiled back at Joan, his voice indicating his appreciation as he answered, "Yeah, maybe."
Kevin laughed lightly, looking to Luke. "I totally agree with her, by the way."
Luke glanced back at Kevin, laughing. Joan soon joined in, unable to control her laughter as she watched her two brothers. Luke's confidence had catapulted, mainly because of Joan's honesty. She was right. He had to face his true feelings, whether he wanted to or not. It was important to both Glynis and himself that he did this.
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Standing outside of Kevin's door stood Will, hearing the laughter coming from the room. He felt a bit helpless, knowing that he wasn't a source of advice for Luke. He seemed to be talking it out with Kevin and Joan, which was good. Will felt his heart ache a little, though, realizing then that Luke would rather go to his brother and sister than himself. In fact, he practically denied that he had a problem when Will asked him, yet he acted so open with Joan and Kevin. Will sighed, finding it difficult to accept that his own son couldn't come and talk to him.
Will decided to push it aside and attend to the task he was assigned. "Dinner is ready," he called, and soon was down the stairs quickly.
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Helen was placing the many dishes for dinner on the dining room table, smiling to herself as she saw her entire family together. Dinner time was a favorite for her for this very reason. Kevin assumed his place, and Joan was helping her mother place the food on the table. Helen had noticed a sudden change in Will's mood, and though she could assume why, she decided it was prudent to keep her mouth shut. They would have a chance to discuss it later.
As they all sat down to eat, and as the plates of food were being passed, Will asked, "How was everyone's day?" Silence was his answer as everyone just concentrated on eating. They usually had decent conversations at the dinner table, but it was apparent that tonight no one wanted to share their rough days. Will shrugged. "Don't everyone answer me at once."
Helen finally spoke up, "My day was good. My classes went well." She then looked to Joan. "Adam seemed a bit quiet today."
Joan replied simply, "Really?" She was intent on hiding her day's events, and her mother was certainly not going to be able to extract her recent problems. Maybe she was acting just like Adam by hiding her problems from someone she should be able to talk to, but Joan really didn't care that much. At the moment she did not want to rehash the problem over and over again. As God has suggested, she would keep her mind on Luke's problem for awhile.
Helen could tell there was more to Adam's mood and her daughter's, but she knew better than to cross the line too soon. Joan would talk over time. Helen smiled to herself, feeling the tension at the table between everyone. If they could get through this dinner to live another day, Helen would be happy. Looking to Will, seeing him quiet, and then to her children, she noted that emotions were running high. Knowing her family, they tended to unleash those emotions if they saw fit. They wouldn't be able to hold them in for too long.
"How was your day, Luke?" Will asked.
Luke looked up from his plate. "Fine."
Will nodded. "That's all?"
Luke shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so."
"After last night, I thought maybe today would have been just as bad," Will reasoned.
Luke's discomfort was now obvious, but he only answered, "Last night
was fine." Joan could tell the conversation might turn ugly knowing Luke's wish to keep his problems with Glynis between Kevin and herself. He was always very guarded with such emotions, and he rarely ever talked about them to anybody. Knowing this, Joan felt a need to change the subject.
"Daddy, my day was good. It was better than I thought it would be," Joan offered, but she immediately realized it wouldn't have any effect.
Will nodded, "That's good, Joan. I'm glad your day went well." He then looked to Luke again. "Did you day go just as well, Luke?"
Will didn't know the frustration rising in his son's soul. Luke had only experienced this anger a few times in his life, and when it came, it often revealed emotions that he had been hiding for years. Only Kevin had seen it once when Luke declared his darkest secret. Luke hated getting this way, but he also hated that his father was trying to ask him about a subject that he had no right to ask about.
"I didn't think you cared," Luke uttered, only realizing the impact of what he said after he had said it. He looked to Joan, whose eyes were blank with shock, as was Kevin, who remained concentrated on his food, trying desperately to forget what he was hearing. The conversation had suddenly become one that the rest of the family didn't need to be apart of, yet they were.
"What did you say?" Will asked, quite hurt from his son's apparent belief. He had no idea that Luke had even thought something like that. How could he know? Luke was always so quiet and kept so many things to himself.
Luke just laughed to himself. "You've never wanted to know before. You were always concerned about Kevin's relationships, his sports, the accident. Or the fact that Joan's your precious little girl, who has suddenly turned crazy. The youngest is bound to be forgotten in everything else that needs your attention."
Will's eyes showed his hurt, disgust, and anger that his son would even think something like this. He loved Luke, he wanted to know everything that he was going through and dealing with. He couldn't believe that Luke didn't realize this, despite the amount of struggles that Kevin and Joan had been in recently. He suddenly realized that the table had become silent, everyone looking to him for a response.
He sighed deeply, feeling the room closing in on him. "Luke, I love all three of you equally, and I want to know what's going on in your lives. That's why I'm asking, I'm concerned." As Will thought about his words, he felt he had been level-headed, knowing he couldn't let his emotions get the best of him.
Luke just shook his head. "Or you're feeling guilty because you haven't showed interest before."
Will replied quickly with great emotion, "Luke!"
Luke stood up then, grabbing the attention of everyone at the table, all who were trying to pretend they were somewhere else. Now they couldn't ignore it, and Joan knew a barrier had broken within Luke. He was unleashing years of frustration, years of hurt. Throwing his fork to his plate, Luke shouted back, "No, Dad, you're going to listen. You wanted to hear it, right? Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yes, I ...," Will began to respond, but Luke quickly jumped in.
"It's always been about Kevin. He was a successful athlete, so I barely existed. When he had his accident, I was ignored completely. Joan started doing crazy things, and suddenly all the attention was on her. I enter a relationship, and I'm still ignored, and you only noticed it because Joan and Kevin haven't had any issues lately, and your job hasn't been as demanding. You haven't cared before, why should I believe it now?" Luke said, practically shouting by the end of his declaration of hurt and betrayal.
Joan felt the intensity of the scene, looking to her father and then back to her brother. She could scarcely believe what she was hearing, and was shocked at the revelation of such hurt feelings. Her heart ached deeply for Luke, her little brother. All she wanted to do was hug him, make him feel better. There were no words for such emotions and for such a scene. However, she also wanted to comfort her father, as well. Not only for all the times that he has comforted her, but because she wanted to remind him that no matter what, she has always loved him and will always love him.
Luke turned to Joan, seeing her face full of sorrow and concern. He could tell Joan wanted to say something, wanted to bring rationale back into their world, but her silence revealed nothing could be said. He just sighed deeply, stepping away from the table. Will remained silent because he knew saying something now would make things worse. Everyone watched as Luke left, and Joan couldn't stop her heart from racing. It was too much for all of them, too much revealed in merely sitting down for dinner. No one knew what to do with it all.
Joan felt God's words enter her consciousness. Listening was essential to find truth. Suddenly Joan felt it all fitting together, despite the mess between her brother and her father. Not only was her father hearing the truth from just listening, but Joan felt the weight of such a truth, felt the door opening to allow her to help because of listening. Luke's problems were much more serious than hers with Adam at the moment, which was why God had stressed that she should help him. Joan intended on doing just that.
.............
.............
The night seemed as if it would never end. Studying tended to take a lot out of Joan, and tonight was no different. Just coming back from the coffee house with Grace, she was exhausted. It was only around 10:00 PM, but it felt like 1:00 AM after the day she had. Not only did her problems with Adam become much worse, but now tension was running in high volume throughout her family. The fact was no one in their family knew Luke had such strong feelings of neglect towards their father. The situation had suddenly become much more complicated, and Luke's problems with Glynis became the tip of the iceberg. As did her own problems with Adam.
As she parked in the driveway and stepped out of the car, the burden of the day began to lessen. Knowing that sleep awaited her gave her happiness, and not much was going to keep her away from it. Walking the length of the driveway to the sidewalk thinking about the many dreams she has had recently, most specifically concerning a special person who chose to leave her out of his life the past few days, her eyes caught something interesting in her kitchen window. Her heart almost began to sink as she noted the image.
"Adam," she whispered, seeing him sitting at the kitchen table talking to her mother. Again she noticed his face full of hurt and worry, and she was feeling it again – the ache in her heart. She knew she had to remember that there was no way for her to know what they were talking about, and she could not make assumptions. However, this was the second time she saw her boyfriend talking out his problem with someone other than her.
Instead of wallowing as she did the first time, she knew it was better to just walk in her house as normal. She had to remember that she wasn't supposed to know anything, and she needed to allow Adam come to her in his time. Assumptions were very dangerous, recalling the words that God had used. She could not let them overcome her emotions or thoughts. Waiting for the truth was essential to prevent more misunderstanding and hurt. It took her little brother years to finally find the courage to say something, but that was because he didn't feel their father was being attentive. Joan sighed, realizing she needed to be attentive to Adam, despite his vague emotions. She also couldn't push him, as Joan saw from her Dad and her little brother.
Joan opened the door to her house carefully, walking as quietly as possible. Looking around the corner, she saw what she had seen in the window: Adam and her mother sitting at the kitchen table. Adam stood up immediately, his eyes showing happiness to see her. Her mother stood, as well, and glanced to her daughter. "How did the studying go, Joan?" Helen asked. However, she did not get an answer as Joan and Adam kept their eyes on each other.
After a few seconds, Joan responded quietly, "Good." Her eyes only glimpsed a look at her mother and returned back to Adam. Helen smiled, feeling that any possible tension between the two was going to get resolved in the next few minutes.
Helen moved between them and up the stairs. "See you in the morning."
Adam walked to the bottom of the stairs and said quickly, "Thank you, Mrs. Girardi."
Joan's mother turned and nodded. "Your welcome, Adam." She then proceeded up the stairs.
Adam turned back to Joan and he couldn't stop from smiling. "Sorry I didn't meet you today. I had some errands and stuff to run."
Joan nodded, already feeling the weight of her anger and frustration begin to pass. Just seeing her Adam made her heart fill with joy. It was all she needed. "That's ok. Not that I haven't had the same problems, right?" She had missed Adam, even though it had only been a few days since she had been with him. Every part of her being missed him.
Adam must have felt the same way, because it didn't take him long to reach his hand out to her. Joan smiled at him, clasping his hand with hers. He pulled her to him playfully, wrapping his arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around his neck and they shared a warm embrace. Joan could feel all of her worries and problems from the past few days, from Grace to her little brother, melting away like they never existed.
Joan pulled away just a little to look at him. He smiled warmly, and went to kiss her, but she stopped him with her hand to his cheek. "First I want to know what you're doing here," she whispered, saying it lightly to hide her intentions.
He shrugged. "I wanted to know if you wanted to do something tomorrow night."
Joan felt the obvious question come to her lips, "Why didn't you just call?"
Adam only smiled and leaned in to kiss her. It was soft and sweet all at the same time, and she knew it had been way too long since they had done this. It was only a day or so, but it seemed like a lifetime. When Adam pulled away, Joan cupped his face in her hands as she leaned her forehead against his. "I'll see you tomorrow then?" Adam nodded, wrapping his arms tighter around her, embracing her. Joan could feel the tension in his shoulders and back as she wrapped her arms around him fully. It was the same tension he had nights before.
Joan finally felt a sense of why he had come. Even though he hadn't said anything to her about his problem, he needed her to help him release his tension. He needed her comfort, and her giving it to him without any questions asked. Her giving it to him with everything she had. That's why he had come over. He needed her. Joan felt this inside of her soul and she hugged him with not only her arms but also with her heart.
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To be continued ...
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