TITLE: Lavender Loves…
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#
Sorry this one took so long ever since I moved schools I haven't had Suz around to inspire my Lavender writings. Without her there truly would be no Snape obsessed Lavender.
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**************
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7:30 pm - Library
Status: Disgusted fascination
I'm depressed.
#I'm disturbed#
Just look at it! Everyone in this school has a lover except me!
#I don't want to think about it. It's just to terrifying#
At this rate, even Finch will have somebody before I hook up with Snape.
#I didn't think it was possible to be repulsed by two people kissing#
It is kind of gross, isn't it?
#Complete shock to the system#
[Shivers] Unnatural
#And in public! For any poor innocent passerby to see!#
Anybody would go green upon witnessing this.
#It's mind boggling, I'm repulsed… yet I can't turn away#
Oh! Eww groping! This is the library not the astronomy tower!
#I just saw drool. That does it! We're leaving and never speaking of this again. Simply the idea of Gregory Goyle and Millicent Bullstrode kissing is bad enough, but the visuals are horrific#
I'm going to need years of therapy.
#At least now we know we're not going to get any $200 offers off Goyle now - his room will be getting plenty of action without them#
[starts to gather books together]
Hey! Maybe we could try breaking into his chambers?
#Who's? Goyle's? That's disgusting! If you want free porn we can just steal it off Ron, we don't have to witness Goyle and Milicent getting down and dirty.#
First of all eww. And no, I mean Severus's chambers.
#Oh we're back on that again. So you want to steal Snape's porn?#
No! What is it with you and porn?
#No, what's with "you" and porn?#
Oh bugger off, no one asked you to manifest. I just mean that we can poke around his place and find out his interests. See what he likes…how big his bed is.
#Lavender, we're trying to get us some loving, not a restraining order#
[Starts to get up from the chair]
He wouldn't know it was us, we could just-
[Without warning, I was pushed back into the chair and a menacing figure loomed over me]
"I know it was you, Brown." [Pansy spat. She was wearing her pug faced scowl, looking particularly ugly framed by her green hair]
#Argh! It's a sea monster from the lake!#
"Pansy, what are you doing?"
#Be calm! Pretend we don't know anything!#
Oh my God! She knows, she knows. I can tell by the look on her face
"Did you honestly think you'd get away with it? Bet it gave you a good laugh!"
#Don't hesitate, it implies that we're guilty!#
We are guilty!
#She doesn't know that for sure!#
"Huh?"
#Oh that was very eloquent#
[Pansy grabbed a hold of my robes, her face inches from mine. It was like coming face to face with an angry pit-bull - drool and all]
"Don't play dumb with me! I know you ruined my potion."
#Who says we're 'playing' dumb?#
"I don't know what you're talking about?" [Pansy's eyes narrowed and her hair seemed to bristle, blowing in time with the snorts of breathe escaping her nose like leaves on a tree]
"You're skating on thin ice, Brown."
"Seriously, Pansy. I haven't got a clue what you're talking about."
"Well if you don't, then you can explain to me this. Why were you so close to my potion? You were on the wrong side of the tracks when the whole thing exploded!"
"I I-ah….i-it w-wa-wasn-"
"You w-wa-wasn't what Brown?"
"I w-wasn't doing a-anything."
"You're trying to walk down a dangerous road Brown. If I catch you making an arse out of me again, our next meeting won't be this nice."
[With those final words, she released my robes with a shove and stormed out of the library, snarling at some brave third year Gryfindors who openly laughed at her new hairdo]
#Oh that went smoothly. What was with that girl and all the analogies? Think she's heard the one about being as ugly as a hippogriff?#
Like you were any help. Where did you go when I needed you?
#Did I mention I'm the part of your personality that's a coward?#
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**************
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11:00 pm – Lavenders Bed, Gryfindor Dormitories
Status: Resigned
#So what's next?#
What do you mean, what's next?
#How are we going to humiliate Pansy again?#
Are you being serious?! She'll flay me! And remember if I go, you go too.
#Well that just means we'll have to try harder not to get caught#
Oh and I suppose you have an idea then?
No, but I can always go and ask Frank.
Frank? Who the hell is Frank?
#Didn't you know? You have a bunch of voices in here just waiting to manifest. If you'd let me go get one-#
No! Absolutely not! This is my brain and what I say goes! You're lucky you're allowed to stay! There is not a chance in hell you're having friends over!
#Fine, jeez it was just a suggestion. Well maybe we need to distract Pansy long enough to make sure Snape is ours for the taking#
What are you suggesting?
#Well, we all know that for years Pansy has been after Malfoy-#
Everyone knows that.
#And this whole Snape thing is new, yes?#
And your point is?
#If we can somehow convince Pansy that Malfoy is actually interested in her, maybe even get him to date her, then she'd be way too busy with him to bother about Snape#
That's brilliant! But-
#But what? It's a brilliant plan!#
Draco has never shown any interest at all in Pansy. He's slept with everyone but her, and I know for a fact he's not interested.
#How do you know he's not interested? And what do you mean he's slept with everyone? Wait, everyone? That doesn't include us does it?#
As if I w-woo-would stoop that low.
#Oh really [If voices could do it, one eyebrow would be raised]#
OK! I admit it! Draco Malfoy and I have had [pause] relations.
#Relations? Is that what they're calling it these days?#
I swear it was only once and it was an accident!
#An accident! So you just fell on his penis?!#
Yes! I mean NO! I was drunk that's all!
#Drunk?#
[Cue reminiscent music] It was the end of our 6th year bash. The drink was flowing and people wanted to forget about the war. There was dancing and drinking, and then I saw him from across the room. He did that thing with his eyebrows and motioned for me to come over. [Cut music] Seven shots of tequila later I don't see how I can be held responsible for one teensy little mistake.
#Well! This is shocking to say the least. [mock hurt] I can't believe you betrayed Sevie like that#
But it was only during that I realized I loved Sevie!
#[cough] ahhh excuse me, during?#
Oh I – ah – I might have, let something….slip. Not my fault of course, throes of passion and all.
#You didn't!#
It was an accident!
#[giggles] And what did Mister Malfoy have to say to that?#
Well he pretended it didn't happen. I won't say anything if you don't kind of thing.
#And why on earth would that asshole possibly keep his mouth shut about that juicy bit of gossip?#
Because he had more to lose than I did if he told.
#More too lose? Does this bring us back to how you know he's not interested in Pansy?#
It might…
#Oh come on spill!#
I don't know, I don't think you deserve to know.
#Don't deserve! Let's not forget whose been helping you these past few days missy. What name did he let slip?!?#
[Evil grin. When you've got one up on the voices in you're head it's quite gratifying]
I don't know…
#Please tell me! This whole sly-thing does not become you!#
Oh fine, it's… [pause for dramatic effect]
…
…
#Well hurry up already!#
[Whoops to long a pause]
Harry Potter!
#[Scandalous Gasp]#
.
**************
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1:00am – Potions Lab
Status: Dreaming Mills and Boom style
A white mist surrounded the entire lab and Snape was at his desk, correcting papers with a quill dabbed in red ink. He was making furious crosses all over some poor Hufflepuffs work, when suddenly there was a scrapping noise.
"Who's there?"
Snape scanned the room for the source of the noise but found none, so after a few moments he allowed himself to relax and return to the papers. Moments later, his head whipped up - it was the noise again. Snape leapt out of his chair wand at the ready, years as a spy has taught him not to ignore anything suspicious. He crept towards the door.
The handle jiggled. Someone was trying to break in.
'Some miscreant's trying to break into my private stores'
Snape let out an evil chuckle and went to hide in an alcove. Secretly he hoped it was Potter so he could give him a years worth of detention, or even possibly [evil chuckle] expulsion. He was halfway to his hiding spot when the door slammed open. Snape spun around, wand at the ready to face the intruder.
"Did I startle you Professor?"
Snape couldn't believe his eyes. Before him stood Lavender Brown, wearing a very provocative black dress, stilettos and one incredibly sexy grin. Slowly Snape lowered his wand.
"Miss Brown. What are you doing out after curfew and what are you doing in my lab?"
Snape's voice was low and held a hint of danger. Slowly Lavender advanced on him. Snape stood his ground.
"I think you know what I'm doing here, Severus."
Lavender could see Severus's eyes widen in understanding. They were filled with lust and the slightest bit of fear.
"I don't think I do Miss Brown." His voice was dangerously low.
"I could always… spell it out for you." Lavender was now face to face from him. His breathing seems labored and he squeezed his eyes shut as if dealing with some inner turmoil.
Snape opened his eyes and as he looked at her, Lavender could see that whatever had been holding him back before was gone. He leaned slowly down towards her lips and she closed her eyes, anticipating the inevitable kiss.
"SEVIE NO!"
Lavender and Severus's heads snapped toward the doorway where Pansy Parkinson stood in nothing but a tiny red teddy, her hair was back to its normal peroxide blonde.
"What are you doing here?" Lavender couldn't help but screech. Pansy had just ruined their perfect moment!
"I'm here because you're not the one Severus loves, Brown. Muddy, Dirty, Brown! As if Severus could ever love you. Sevie, she's put a hex on you!"
There was a murmur of ascent from the crowd… wait a second, crowd? Looking around, Lavender could see the classroom was filled with her fellow students. Severus stepped back from Lavender, confusion evident on his face. His eyes looked from Lavender to Pansy and back again.
"It's not true Severus! I would never do that to you!"
"Oh wouldn't she?" Pansy walks up to stand beside Lavender. "Think about it Severus. If you were going to fall for a student, would it be her?"
Severus looked longingly at Lavender, his mind a whirl of uncertainty.
"She does have a point Lavender. You're more hopeless at potions than me." Neville shrugged at Lavender from his melted cauldron.
"Look at her Sevie! An insolent Gryffindor! As if you could ever love her! It's obviously a spell or some potion!" Pansy walked up to Snape and put her arms around his waist, leaning into him. "I mean, just look at her."
Lavender looked down to find her sexy dress gone. She shrieked, realizing she was standing in full Gryffindor uniform with the words "SLYTHERIN'S SUCK!" across the front.
"You know perfectly well a Slytherin / Gryffindor relationship can't work, Brown," sneered Draco from the corner, where he had Harry in a headlock. He snarled and proceeded to knuckle rub Harry's skull.
"Severus, it's not true! You have to believe me!"
Snape looked at Pansy then at Lavender and sneered.
"Pansy darling you're right. I could never love her." Lavender gasped.
"No! No you love me!" Ignoring her pleas Snape leant in and kissed Pansy on the lips.
"No! Noo! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
.
**************
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RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#
Sorry this one took so long ever since I moved schools I haven't had Suz around to inspire my Lavender writings. Without her there truly would be no Snape obsessed Lavender.
.
**************
.
7:30 pm - Library
Status: Disgusted fascination
I'm depressed.
#I'm disturbed#
Just look at it! Everyone in this school has a lover except me!
#I don't want to think about it. It's just to terrifying#
At this rate, even Finch will have somebody before I hook up with Snape.
#I didn't think it was possible to be repulsed by two people kissing#
It is kind of gross, isn't it?
#Complete shock to the system#
[Shivers] Unnatural
#And in public! For any poor innocent passerby to see!#
Anybody would go green upon witnessing this.
#It's mind boggling, I'm repulsed… yet I can't turn away#
Oh! Eww groping! This is the library not the astronomy tower!
#I just saw drool. That does it! We're leaving and never speaking of this again. Simply the idea of Gregory Goyle and Millicent Bullstrode kissing is bad enough, but the visuals are horrific#
I'm going to need years of therapy.
#At least now we know we're not going to get any $200 offers off Goyle now - his room will be getting plenty of action without them#
[starts to gather books together]
Hey! Maybe we could try breaking into his chambers?
#Who's? Goyle's? That's disgusting! If you want free porn we can just steal it off Ron, we don't have to witness Goyle and Milicent getting down and dirty.#
First of all eww. And no, I mean Severus's chambers.
#Oh we're back on that again. So you want to steal Snape's porn?#
No! What is it with you and porn?
#No, what's with "you" and porn?#
Oh bugger off, no one asked you to manifest. I just mean that we can poke around his place and find out his interests. See what he likes…how big his bed is.
#Lavender, we're trying to get us some loving, not a restraining order#
[Starts to get up from the chair]
He wouldn't know it was us, we could just-
[Without warning, I was pushed back into the chair and a menacing figure loomed over me]
"I know it was you, Brown." [Pansy spat. She was wearing her pug faced scowl, looking particularly ugly framed by her green hair]
#Argh! It's a sea monster from the lake!#
"Pansy, what are you doing?"
#Be calm! Pretend we don't know anything!#
Oh my God! She knows, she knows. I can tell by the look on her face
"Did you honestly think you'd get away with it? Bet it gave you a good laugh!"
#Don't hesitate, it implies that we're guilty!#
We are guilty!
#She doesn't know that for sure!#
"Huh?"
#Oh that was very eloquent#
[Pansy grabbed a hold of my robes, her face inches from mine. It was like coming face to face with an angry pit-bull - drool and all]
"Don't play dumb with me! I know you ruined my potion."
#Who says we're 'playing' dumb?#
"I don't know what you're talking about?" [Pansy's eyes narrowed and her hair seemed to bristle, blowing in time with the snorts of breathe escaping her nose like leaves on a tree]
"You're skating on thin ice, Brown."
"Seriously, Pansy. I haven't got a clue what you're talking about."
"Well if you don't, then you can explain to me this. Why were you so close to my potion? You were on the wrong side of the tracks when the whole thing exploded!"
"I I-ah….i-it w-wa-wasn-"
"You w-wa-wasn't what Brown?"
"I w-wasn't doing a-anything."
"You're trying to walk down a dangerous road Brown. If I catch you making an arse out of me again, our next meeting won't be this nice."
[With those final words, she released my robes with a shove and stormed out of the library, snarling at some brave third year Gryfindors who openly laughed at her new hairdo]
#Oh that went smoothly. What was with that girl and all the analogies? Think she's heard the one about being as ugly as a hippogriff?#
Like you were any help. Where did you go when I needed you?
#Did I mention I'm the part of your personality that's a coward?#
.
**************
.
11:00 pm – Lavenders Bed, Gryfindor Dormitories
Status: Resigned
#So what's next?#
What do you mean, what's next?
#How are we going to humiliate Pansy again?#
Are you being serious?! She'll flay me! And remember if I go, you go too.
#Well that just means we'll have to try harder not to get caught#
Oh and I suppose you have an idea then?
No, but I can always go and ask Frank.
Frank? Who the hell is Frank?
#Didn't you know? You have a bunch of voices in here just waiting to manifest. If you'd let me go get one-#
No! Absolutely not! This is my brain and what I say goes! You're lucky you're allowed to stay! There is not a chance in hell you're having friends over!
#Fine, jeez it was just a suggestion. Well maybe we need to distract Pansy long enough to make sure Snape is ours for the taking#
What are you suggesting?
#Well, we all know that for years Pansy has been after Malfoy-#
Everyone knows that.
#And this whole Snape thing is new, yes?#
And your point is?
#If we can somehow convince Pansy that Malfoy is actually interested in her, maybe even get him to date her, then she'd be way too busy with him to bother about Snape#
That's brilliant! But-
#But what? It's a brilliant plan!#
Draco has never shown any interest at all in Pansy. He's slept with everyone but her, and I know for a fact he's not interested.
#How do you know he's not interested? And what do you mean he's slept with everyone? Wait, everyone? That doesn't include us does it?#
As if I w-woo-would stoop that low.
#Oh really [If voices could do it, one eyebrow would be raised]#
OK! I admit it! Draco Malfoy and I have had [pause] relations.
#Relations? Is that what they're calling it these days?#
I swear it was only once and it was an accident!
#An accident! So you just fell on his penis?!#
Yes! I mean NO! I was drunk that's all!
#Drunk?#
[Cue reminiscent music] It was the end of our 6th year bash. The drink was flowing and people wanted to forget about the war. There was dancing and drinking, and then I saw him from across the room. He did that thing with his eyebrows and motioned for me to come over. [Cut music] Seven shots of tequila later I don't see how I can be held responsible for one teensy little mistake.
#Well! This is shocking to say the least. [mock hurt] I can't believe you betrayed Sevie like that#
But it was only during that I realized I loved Sevie!
#[cough] ahhh excuse me, during?#
Oh I – ah – I might have, let something….slip. Not my fault of course, throes of passion and all.
#You didn't!#
It was an accident!
#[giggles] And what did Mister Malfoy have to say to that?#
Well he pretended it didn't happen. I won't say anything if you don't kind of thing.
#And why on earth would that asshole possibly keep his mouth shut about that juicy bit of gossip?#
Because he had more to lose than I did if he told.
#More too lose? Does this bring us back to how you know he's not interested in Pansy?#
It might…
#Oh come on spill!#
I don't know, I don't think you deserve to know.
#Don't deserve! Let's not forget whose been helping you these past few days missy. What name did he let slip?!?#
[Evil grin. When you've got one up on the voices in you're head it's quite gratifying]
I don't know…
#Please tell me! This whole sly-thing does not become you!#
Oh fine, it's… [pause for dramatic effect]
…
…
#Well hurry up already!#
[Whoops to long a pause]
Harry Potter!
#[Scandalous Gasp]#
.
**************
.
1:00am – Potions Lab
Status: Dreaming Mills and Boom style
A white mist surrounded the entire lab and Snape was at his desk, correcting papers with a quill dabbed in red ink. He was making furious crosses all over some poor Hufflepuffs work, when suddenly there was a scrapping noise.
"Who's there?"
Snape scanned the room for the source of the noise but found none, so after a few moments he allowed himself to relax and return to the papers. Moments later, his head whipped up - it was the noise again. Snape leapt out of his chair wand at the ready, years as a spy has taught him not to ignore anything suspicious. He crept towards the door.
The handle jiggled. Someone was trying to break in.
'Some miscreant's trying to break into my private stores'
Snape let out an evil chuckle and went to hide in an alcove. Secretly he hoped it was Potter so he could give him a years worth of detention, or even possibly [evil chuckle] expulsion. He was halfway to his hiding spot when the door slammed open. Snape spun around, wand at the ready to face the intruder.
"Did I startle you Professor?"
Snape couldn't believe his eyes. Before him stood Lavender Brown, wearing a very provocative black dress, stilettos and one incredibly sexy grin. Slowly Snape lowered his wand.
"Miss Brown. What are you doing out after curfew and what are you doing in my lab?"
Snape's voice was low and held a hint of danger. Slowly Lavender advanced on him. Snape stood his ground.
"I think you know what I'm doing here, Severus."
Lavender could see Severus's eyes widen in understanding. They were filled with lust and the slightest bit of fear.
"I don't think I do Miss Brown." His voice was dangerously low.
"I could always… spell it out for you." Lavender was now face to face from him. His breathing seems labored and he squeezed his eyes shut as if dealing with some inner turmoil.
Snape opened his eyes and as he looked at her, Lavender could see that whatever had been holding him back before was gone. He leaned slowly down towards her lips and she closed her eyes, anticipating the inevitable kiss.
"SEVIE NO!"
Lavender and Severus's heads snapped toward the doorway where Pansy Parkinson stood in nothing but a tiny red teddy, her hair was back to its normal peroxide blonde.
"What are you doing here?" Lavender couldn't help but screech. Pansy had just ruined their perfect moment!
"I'm here because you're not the one Severus loves, Brown. Muddy, Dirty, Brown! As if Severus could ever love you. Sevie, she's put a hex on you!"
There was a murmur of ascent from the crowd… wait a second, crowd? Looking around, Lavender could see the classroom was filled with her fellow students. Severus stepped back from Lavender, confusion evident on his face. His eyes looked from Lavender to Pansy and back again.
"It's not true Severus! I would never do that to you!"
"Oh wouldn't she?" Pansy walks up to stand beside Lavender. "Think about it Severus. If you were going to fall for a student, would it be her?"
Severus looked longingly at Lavender, his mind a whirl of uncertainty.
"She does have a point Lavender. You're more hopeless at potions than me." Neville shrugged at Lavender from his melted cauldron.
"Look at her Sevie! An insolent Gryffindor! As if you could ever love her! It's obviously a spell or some potion!" Pansy walked up to Snape and put her arms around his waist, leaning into him. "I mean, just look at her."
Lavender looked down to find her sexy dress gone. She shrieked, realizing she was standing in full Gryffindor uniform with the words "SLYTHERIN'S SUCK!" across the front.
"You know perfectly well a Slytherin / Gryffindor relationship can't work, Brown," sneered Draco from the corner, where he had Harry in a headlock. He snarled and proceeded to knuckle rub Harry's skull.
"Severus, it's not true! You have to believe me!"
Snape looked at Pansy then at Lavender and sneered.
"Pansy darling you're right. I could never love her." Lavender gasped.
"No! No you love me!" Ignoring her pleas Snape leant in and kissed Pansy on the lips.
"No! Noo! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
.
**************
.