TITLE: Lavender Loves…
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#
To everyone who tried just a little too hard. And of course to my beta, who loves the greasy git no matter how many times I try to ruin the image of her perfect man.
.
**************
.
10:15am – Charms Classroom.
Status: Distracted
SIGH
……
……
[little cough] SIGH
……
……
Oh for fucks sake aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?
#I'm sorry, what?#
Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?
#Well I was ignoring you#
You were WHAT! [Even Lavender was struck by the irony of this - wasn't she supposed to be ignoring the voices in her head? Not the other way around?]
#Ignoring you#
I heard you the first time.
#Then why say it again?#
Duh, it was my indignant response.
#Oh right sorry#
……
……
…Well?
#Well what?#
You still haven't asked me what's wrong!
#Oh fine, since it's sooooooo obvious how concerned I am. What's wrong?#
[really long sigh] I'm in love with Severus and he doesn't even know I exist.
#That's not true. He's insulted you heaps of times#
And YOU! You hate Sevie and have been sabotaging us from the beginning! I should have gone with my original plans you Homewrecker!
#Now you're just being silly. Your original plan would have resulted in Snape joining the witness protection program#
I bet he doesn't even know my name!
#Don't be ridiculous, I've heard him say it heaps of times. Miss Brown you useless twat, Miss Brown you idiotic Gryfindor, Miss Brown you incompetent fool#
Brown.
#Yes, Brown. It is your name you know#
Muddy Brown.
#Ahh-#
Dirty Brown. [sniffle]
#I don't get it#
[sniffles] He'll never say my first name. It'll always be Brown. Severus will never say my name like it deserves to be said.
#…And how does it deserve to be said?#
It deserves to be growled at me in a lust filled voice. I want it screamed during uncontrollable throes of passion. I want it-
#My God - I shouldn't have asked#
- and then he'd say it over and over to the tune of 'My heart will go on'. I want-
#Please stop#
- Riding me like a bull at a rodeo. It should be cried while -
#STOP!#
What?
#You were getting carried away#
Well it's not like I wouldn't settle for a nickname. Love Bunny, Sweetie Pie, Snookems, Googly Bear–
#How bout Rampant Sex Rabbit?#
Oh that's a nice one!
#God she can't even tell when I'm being sarcastic#
[sulks] It's not fair! It's always going to be Brown! What kind of a name is that! I'm going to kill my mother for marrying someone with such a stupid last name.
#Now, now, let's not insult the person who clothes and feeds us#
[sniffle] Pansy has a better name than I do, at least you can still say Miss Parkinson sexily.
#Come on! Snape would never go for the green haired dog#
[Just then, cause there are always just then's in this story, one Miss Pansy Parkinson walked into the charms classroom, 15 minutes late and blonder than Malfoy]
Shit!
#Shit#
Look how blonde her hair is!
#She must have used at least two bottles of peroxide#
I don't believe it.
#Neither do I. There's no way that's possible without your hair falling out#
"Miss Parkinson," squeaked Professor Flitwick. "Explain yourself."
"I'm sorry Professor, I have a note."
#God I hate it when she juts her boobs out like that whenever she talks. If she's not careful one day she'll knock someone out with those#
[sulk] Padma says they're not real anyway, engorging charm. I don't need an engorging charm, mine are all natural.
#[chuckles] That's right, we flaunt our organic breasts. Sounds like we're trying to sell fruit that hasn't been sprayed with pesticide#
"I was having a discussion with," [Pansy stops and looks pointedly right at me] "Professor Snape."
#BA BA BAAAAAAA, Dramatic enpuzzlement#
[An audible gasp escapes my throat]
"Lavender, are you ok?" [Seamus frowns in concern]
[Squeaks out] "Fine."
[Pansy clears her throat to regain everyone's attention]
"He was admiring the results of the potion he made to change my hair back to its original gorgeous colour."
[A stifled yelp is heard from Lavenders direction]
"Yes, Yes, Miss Parkinson we don't need your life story. Sit down please."
[The class resumes but Lavender isn't hearing a thing]
Did you hear?
#I heard#
Do you…
#I don't#
"Pssst!"
[sniffle] She was…
"Psst, Lavender!"
And he gave…[tiny sob]
"Lavender, are you ok?"
And my hair's still purple!!!
[With that Lavender burst into tears and ran from the room, leaving behind a very confused Seamus and a startled class]
.
**************
.
10:40am – Bathroom
Status: Distressed
H-H-He-He LOVES HER [Wailing cries]
#It's not true#
It's TRUE! Her boobs really are bigger! [Howl of pain]
#We need to calm down!#
YOU CALM DOWN! How can I be calm?! My love HATES ME!! [uncontrollable sobs]
.
**************
.
10:45am – Bathroom
Status: Upset and Angry
[sniff] I hate that bitch.
#That's the spirit#
Severus doesn't like her.
#Exactly#
Why would our Sevie want to see how her hair turned out anyway?
#Precisely. Besides, it was Slytherin green, so she destroyed a symbol of house pride#
She said all that on purpose.
#That's right, just to upset us#
Oh God!
#What?#
We just ran out of class!
#Oh yeah#
Dear God now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable.
#I doubt they think that#
Do you think I'm mentally unstable?
#Honey you're asking the voice in your head that question… what do you think?#
[long pause] Yes then?
# No! Absolutely not. There's nothing wrong with talking to me and any shrink that tells you other wise is lying, LYING I tells ya!#
Oh [smiles] all right then.
#That's my girl#
We need to get Pansy back!
#Yes, and we'll make her pay#
That's right, we'll make her pay!
#She'll burn in hell for going after Sevie#
[giggle] You just called him Sevie.
#I did not#
Did to.
#I didn't, I'm the voice of reason and I still say he's an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk who probably gets off smelling panties and spying on the student population going at it#
Sure, sure … Did to.
#Oh fine I did! He may be an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk, but god-dammit! He's our ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk!#
Woohooo! Go Team Go!
#I can be very inspiring, can't I?#
Oh yes.
#Now back to getting Pansy#
Yes, back to getting the bitch.
#We're going to do something nasty to her#
Something nasty?
#Something evil#
[evil giggle (don't ask me how an evil giggle works it just does, similar to a evil chuckle…but more girly)] Something evil.
#Something very, very, Slytherin#
Oooooo I'm excited!
#Something humiliating#
For Payback BIATCH!
#And we're going to start right now#
.
.
**************
.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. If anyone has any ideas of nasty things to do to Pansy feel free to suggest.
RATING: PG-13 for a bit of swearing
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, if I did I'm sure I'd be richer
Authors note: #indicates a voices in the head interruption#
To everyone who tried just a little too hard. And of course to my beta, who loves the greasy git no matter how many times I try to ruin the image of her perfect man.
.
**************
.
10:15am – Charms Classroom.
Status: Distracted
SIGH
……
……
[little cough] SIGH
……
……
Oh for fucks sake aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?
#I'm sorry, what?#
Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?
#Well I was ignoring you#
You were WHAT! [Even Lavender was struck by the irony of this - wasn't she supposed to be ignoring the voices in her head? Not the other way around?]
#Ignoring you#
I heard you the first time.
#Then why say it again?#
Duh, it was my indignant response.
#Oh right sorry#
……
……
…Well?
#Well what?#
You still haven't asked me what's wrong!
#Oh fine, since it's sooooooo obvious how concerned I am. What's wrong?#
[really long sigh] I'm in love with Severus and he doesn't even know I exist.
#That's not true. He's insulted you heaps of times#
And YOU! You hate Sevie and have been sabotaging us from the beginning! I should have gone with my original plans you Homewrecker!
#Now you're just being silly. Your original plan would have resulted in Snape joining the witness protection program#
I bet he doesn't even know my name!
#Don't be ridiculous, I've heard him say it heaps of times. Miss Brown you useless twat, Miss Brown you idiotic Gryfindor, Miss Brown you incompetent fool#
Brown.
#Yes, Brown. It is your name you know#
Muddy Brown.
#Ahh-#
Dirty Brown. [sniffle]
#I don't get it#
[sniffles] He'll never say my first name. It'll always be Brown. Severus will never say my name like it deserves to be said.
#…And how does it deserve to be said?#
It deserves to be growled at me in a lust filled voice. I want it screamed during uncontrollable throes of passion. I want it-
#My God - I shouldn't have asked#
- and then he'd say it over and over to the tune of 'My heart will go on'. I want-
#Please stop#
- Riding me like a bull at a rodeo. It should be cried while -
#STOP!#
What?
#You were getting carried away#
Well it's not like I wouldn't settle for a nickname. Love Bunny, Sweetie Pie, Snookems, Googly Bear–
#How bout Rampant Sex Rabbit?#
Oh that's a nice one!
#God she can't even tell when I'm being sarcastic#
[sulks] It's not fair! It's always going to be Brown! What kind of a name is that! I'm going to kill my mother for marrying someone with such a stupid last name.
#Now, now, let's not insult the person who clothes and feeds us#
[sniffle] Pansy has a better name than I do, at least you can still say Miss Parkinson sexily.
#Come on! Snape would never go for the green haired dog#
[Just then, cause there are always just then's in this story, one Miss Pansy Parkinson walked into the charms classroom, 15 minutes late and blonder than Malfoy]
Shit!
#Shit#
Look how blonde her hair is!
#She must have used at least two bottles of peroxide#
I don't believe it.
#Neither do I. There's no way that's possible without your hair falling out#
"Miss Parkinson," squeaked Professor Flitwick. "Explain yourself."
"I'm sorry Professor, I have a note."
#God I hate it when she juts her boobs out like that whenever she talks. If she's not careful one day she'll knock someone out with those#
[sulk] Padma says they're not real anyway, engorging charm. I don't need an engorging charm, mine are all natural.
#[chuckles] That's right, we flaunt our organic breasts. Sounds like we're trying to sell fruit that hasn't been sprayed with pesticide#
"I was having a discussion with," [Pansy stops and looks pointedly right at me] "Professor Snape."
#BA BA BAAAAAAA, Dramatic enpuzzlement#
[An audible gasp escapes my throat]
"Lavender, are you ok?" [Seamus frowns in concern]
[Squeaks out] "Fine."
[Pansy clears her throat to regain everyone's attention]
"He was admiring the results of the potion he made to change my hair back to its original gorgeous colour."
[A stifled yelp is heard from Lavenders direction]
"Yes, Yes, Miss Parkinson we don't need your life story. Sit down please."
[The class resumes but Lavender isn't hearing a thing]
Did you hear?
#I heard#
Do you…
#I don't#
"Pssst!"
[sniffle] She was…
"Psst, Lavender!"
And he gave…[tiny sob]
"Lavender, are you ok?"
And my hair's still purple!!!
[With that Lavender burst into tears and ran from the room, leaving behind a very confused Seamus and a startled class]
.
**************
.
10:40am – Bathroom
Status: Distressed
H-H-He-He LOVES HER [Wailing cries]
#It's not true#
It's TRUE! Her boobs really are bigger! [Howl of pain]
#We need to calm down!#
YOU CALM DOWN! How can I be calm?! My love HATES ME!! [uncontrollable sobs]
.
**************
.
10:45am – Bathroom
Status: Upset and Angry
[sniff] I hate that bitch.
#That's the spirit#
Severus doesn't like her.
#Exactly#
Why would our Sevie want to see how her hair turned out anyway?
#Precisely. Besides, it was Slytherin green, so she destroyed a symbol of house pride#
She said all that on purpose.
#That's right, just to upset us#
Oh God!
#What?#
We just ran out of class!
#Oh yeah#
Dear God now everyone thinks I'm mentally unstable.
#I doubt they think that#
Do you think I'm mentally unstable?
#Honey you're asking the voice in your head that question… what do you think?#
[long pause] Yes then?
# No! Absolutely not. There's nothing wrong with talking to me and any shrink that tells you other wise is lying, LYING I tells ya!#
Oh [smiles] all right then.
#That's my girl#
We need to get Pansy back!
#Yes, and we'll make her pay#
That's right, we'll make her pay!
#She'll burn in hell for going after Sevie#
[giggle] You just called him Sevie.
#I did not#
Did to.
#I didn't, I'm the voice of reason and I still say he's an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk who probably gets off smelling panties and spying on the student population going at it#
Sure, sure … Did to.
#Oh fine I did! He may be an ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk, but god-dammit! He's our ill-tempered, greasy, slightly smelly, most likely masochistic jerk!#
Woohooo! Go Team Go!
#I can be very inspiring, can't I?#
Oh yes.
#Now back to getting Pansy#
Yes, back to getting the bitch.
#We're going to do something nasty to her#
Something nasty?
#Something evil#
[evil giggle (don't ask me how an evil giggle works it just does, similar to a evil chuckle…but more girly)] Something evil.
#Something very, very, Slytherin#
Oooooo I'm excited!
#Something humiliating#
For Payback BIATCH!
#And we're going to start right now#
.
.
**************
.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. If anyone has any ideas of nasty things to do to Pansy feel free to suggest.