Somewhere I Belong
Summary: one-shot!!! Our life has its past, present and future…Sometimes we tend to hold on too tightly to the past that we forget that there is still the present and future…We hold on because we felt that it is where we belong…This is a one shot focusing on how Kenshin Himura let go of his past to embrace the present and the future, with Kaoru Kamiya in his side…where he truly belongs…
Disclaimer: I do not own Ruruoni Kenshin for my computer's sake! I wish I do though…hehehe…and "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is my favorite but it was not mine too…so please no suing…me no money!
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find/
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
The past will always bring bittersweet memories to Kenshin Himura, formerly known as Hitokiri Battousai. Although he was now contented, almost, living in peace, though sometimes not so peaceful, in the Kamiya Dojo, Kenshin knew that he will not be able to completely let go of his past, of Tomoe. Yes, Kamiya Kaoru, the beautiful instructor of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, did already reach the inner most part of him. He was grateful for the fact that even though she knew many horrible things about his past, she still accepts him. They were put to already many difficult and life-threatening situations because of what he is in the past but Kaoru still keep coming closer to him, closer than any body else, even closer than Tomoe ever was. And that's what he's afraid of…He, once known, as Hitokiri Battousai was afraid. Afraid to let Kaoru Kamiya come near him too much, that's why he builds barriers around his self. He didn't want to be the one to cause her pain like the way he cause pain to Tomoe. He had nothing to offer to her, nothing but bloodied hands and a life full of danger. And there is this big gap of age. Although he knew it's no big deal between the two of them, he also knew people beyond their family will most likely to make stories out of it and there's no way he would risk Kaoru's reputation because of it. He loves her too much. Maybe even love her more than he loved Tomoe. But that's the issue he was pondering about. He still can't let go of Tomoe. Tomoe was the one who calm him, give him a sense of direction, love him even though he was the one that takes her happiness away, that's why he can't let go of her. He can't let go of her, or his guilt. The nightmares and memories keep on coming back and there's no way he can stop it. It's all in the past. In the past…then why can't he let go?
But
all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
"Kenshin? Hey Kenshin? Are you alright?"
Kaoru shakes Kenshin one too many times. She was faintly worried, with the way Kenshin was staring in space as if in deep thoughts. She was looking for him to tell him that dinner is already done and then she finds her in the dojo porch, lost in his own world.
"Oro, ah…Kaoru-dono, sessha is fine, please stop shaking sessha."
Kaoru immediately stop shaking Kenshin and instead sat down beside him in the porch. Silence settled between the two of them before Kenshin asked,
"Anou, Kaoru-dono, why are you calling for sessha. Is there something sessha can do for you?"
Kaoru, after a few minutes answered,
"Yes Kenshin, well, I'm here to say that dinner's ready but I think it can wait for some more minutes. There's something I need from you…" Kaoru trailed off with her words and all the same looking at Kenshin's eyes.
"What is it Kaoru-dono, sessha will do anything Kaoru-dono says." Replied Kenshin while scratching his head (yeah, the trademark scratch).
Kaoru knew what bothers Kenshin. It's about his dead wife. It's been a week since she asked the ruruoni to tell her about his past, and to her surprised, he agree. But for some reason, Kenshin refuses to tell the times he spent with his wife, Tomoe. Kaoru was hurt with this fact because it only signifies that Kenshin was not yet within her reach. If only she could persuade him to tell her, then maybe, maybe he will understand that she already accept him, his past…and that she loves him with all her heart. Kaoru focus her eyes on the now dark sky and ask Kenshin in a whisper,
"Will you tell me about your past Kenshin with…?"
She looks at Kenshin's eyes and adds,
"…with Tomoe?"
Kenshin was mildly surprised at Kaoru's question but he knew Kaoru would definitely ask about it.
Should I tell her? I should be honest to her, she has every right to know but am I ready to reveal it? Reveal my past with Tomoe? Am I prepared? Yes, I'm already ready; I knew this was coming, sooner or later.
"If Kaoru-dono really wants to know about Tomoe then sessha will tell it."
Kenshin looks away from Kaoru's gaze and instead look at the ground.
"As Kaoru-dono already knows, Tomoe was sessha's wife. He saw me when I killed a man so I had to take her in the inn where I'm staying coz I don't have the will to kill her, a woman and because she fainted which I learned was because she was drunk. I can still remember that night. She looks at me, with that black eyes of her, and if I may say, those eyes held sorrow and pain, and tell me that I was the one who make the rain bleed. After I brought her to the inn, she was instructed to stay there and she helps in the kitchen. One time, I almost killed her. I didn't know what happen, but I guess she was trying to make me comfortable and put her shawl in me but I was blinded. I mean, I thought she was trying to harm me so I… I almost killed her."
Kenshin stop, remembering that time, reminiscing the memory in his head and then continued with a sorrow evident in his voice.
"I guess it was the time I began to fall for her. She was mysterious, elegant. She held power in her actions although she was not a fighter. She was so different from all women I met before. At the height of the revolution, we were instructed by Katsura to pose as husband and wife and to go to a mountain in Otsu. And we did. That's when I completely fell in love with her. She was the sheath I needed at those times, someone to hold the demons that were eating me at bay. But that fateful day came. Everything passed me in a blur of events. Her diary that held her secrets, the battle in the snow, the denial, the pain when I killed her. Killed her with my own hands. I killed the person I love. I didn't know what to do for I was still in shocked so I carried her to our home, laid her in our bed, talk to her and then left her in the flames after promising to her that I would find my atonement, that I will stop killing after the fight is over. She was my light at those times; she was the reason I vowed to never kill again. She was the reason I became a ruruoni to search for my atonement. She was…my first love. And that's who she is."
Kenshin was crying now, unable to hold the tears of pain because memories long buried.
I
will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
A warm, soothing embrace cocoon him and he gratefully leaned onto it. Kaoru who was also crying hold him and caress his face. This man, whom she learned to love since that day she challenged him in the streets, now she understands. She understands why he can't let go of Tomoe. But she knew, he has to. She knew Tomoe would want him to let go. And she will help him to do so.
"Our past is the one that moulds us to the person that we are in the present. We tend to hold on to the past and its memories too tightly that we forget that we can still make new memories using the present. We can never change what happened in the past. Cause like what they say, past is past. There's nothing we can do about it. We can only accept it and learn from it. Kenshin, I'm not going to ask you to forget about Tomoe nor to forget about you past. The person you are now is because of your past and I'm grateful for it. If you didn't met Tomoe, you will not be here by my side now. And just because of that, I'm thankful to her. I know I will not be able to replace her in your heart and I will not do that, to do it is a mistake and a crime. I was only asking to, how should I say it?"
Kaoru tilted Kenshin's face that was buried in her chest and look him in the eye.
"I was only asking that you could at least make new memories with me, now and at the future."
I
wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
"I would gladly do that."
Kenshin answered and once again lean to Kaoru's embrace.
I know Kaoru. I may not be able to let go of my past completely, coz I don't need to. I should just accept it and face the present. Thank you for helping me. And also, thanks to Tomoe, my wife, coz because of her I met you…
"Domo arigato gozaimashita, Kaoru" Kenshin said breaking away from the embrace and looking at Kaoru's face. Leaning over, he kissed her in the lips and whispered, "This is where I belong…"
I
wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
And in the vast dark sky, a star twinkle…
BLONDGOTH – Thank you for reviewing. One-shots are great, especially those I've red so far…hehehe…I've got my inspiration on those writers who also wrote fantastic one-shots…and yeah, Linkin Park is the best! Hehehe…arigato!
Non-Flamer – domo arigato gozaimashita for reviewing my work…you really think I should write more? I'll try…ehheheh…thanks again!!! Please check out my other works…
Stroh-brie-21 – thank you for reviewing my work… I was really grateful for it! And sure, I'll try you fic "under a bowl of miso soup"…although I'm not an aoshi/misao fan…hehehe
WhiteRabbit5 – you are so kind to me…thanks you…hoping you check out my other works although it is an Inuyasha fanfic…thank you again!
That's all pipol… So, just tell me if this fic is actually something or if its not. Reviews in the form of flames, sarcastic remarks, constructive comments, PRAISES, suggestions and etc. will be appreciated. I'm not picky, but please, if you would, don't hurt poor anime lover's heart…hehehe…authors are emotional sometimes…your reviews held a point that's why it's important…it can either break a person's spirit, or it can make it happy to strive hard…yeah, yeah…not making any sense…that's all!!!
Oh and another one, if the details about Kenshin's past is kinda wrong, tell me! I'm not planning to change it even though I learned what is the truth, but I would want badly to learn what is right. It's style pipol…hehehe…yeah, crazy…
Thank you minna-san!!!