Chapter 11: "Resolution"
After applying her makeup and brushing her hair one last time, Sydney stood in front of the bathroom mirror and stared at her reflection, pleased by what she saw on a morning when she actually cared about looking better than usual. She picked a spec of lint from her sleeveless beige turtleneck, then walked back into her bedroom and slipped into her black suit jacket. She smiled and shook her head at the fact that she had gotten dressed up in hopes that she would see Vaughn at some point during the day. It had been three days since their conversation in the warehouse. Three long days of not hearing his voice or seeing his face. Three longs days of knowing that things were still unsettled between them.
She hadn't believed her ears when Vaughn suggested that they might no longer be able to balance their professional and personal relationships. She had had some initial doubts about that when they first became romantically involved, but the thought hadn't crossed her mind again until he brought it up that night. Surprisingly enough, she had actually been able to keep her emotions from getting the better of her, suggesting that they have a cooling off period. Vaughn agreed that after the stress and anxiety of her Kuala Lumpur mission, they were probably both a little overemotional and needed time to think and reevaluate their situation.
The detente has lasted only a few minutes, until Vaughn leaned forward to kiss her good-bye. For reasons she still didn't understand, she had pulled away from him. She cringed as she remembered the shocked and hurt look that had flashed across his face just before he wordlessly turned and left the warehouse. She had briefly considered calling him to apologize, but as she replayed their argument in her mind during the drive home, she felt herself getting worked up all over again about the way that he had practically scolded her for not following his orders.
So, being as stubborn as ever, she ignored the impulse to apologize to Vaughn, deciding that she would let him come to her instead. When she hadn't heard from him by the next day, she realized fact that he was probably as upset with her as she was with him, and deep down, she knew that he had every right to be. Still, it had been a blow to her ego to have to make the first contact between them when she dead dropped her most recent SD-6 mission last night. On the bright side, however, she knew that it meant she and Vaughn would finally see each other again today, and she couldn't help but look forward to it. She was sure that they could both find a way to swallow their pride and resolve their issues in a civilized manner. At least she hoped so, because she missed him terribly.
Satisfied after one last glance in the mirror, she gathered her things and made her way into the kitchen, smiling when she saw Will sitting at the counter reading the paper.
"Hey," he smiled, "you look like you're in a better mood."
"I am," she said as she poured a cup of coffee.
"Good. I've been afraid to look at you for the past couple of days," he admitted.
Sydney looked at him with surprise. "I haven't been *that* bad, have I?"
"Uh, yeah, you have," Will laughed. "Now that I think I can ask without getting beat up, what was wrong?"
"Vaughn and I had a fight," she sighed.
"First lover's spat?" Will asked with a sympathetic smile.
"No, actually it was a work-related fight, although it's hard to tell the difference sometimes. To hear Vaughn tell it, that's part of the problem," she shrugged.
"Well, I'm sure you guys will work it out and it'll all blow over," Will said reassuringly.
"I'm sure of it, too," she said with a confident smile. Truthfully, she was incapable of staying mad at Vaughn for any extended length of time. She knew that the minute she saw him, she'd forgive him almost anything. She was a fool for him. "Anyway, enough about me and Vaughn. How's the new job?"
"Great so far, although reviewing classified information is a lot different than -- " he was cut off midsentence by the shrill ring of the telephone.
"Hold that thought for a sec," Sydney smiled as she reached for the phone. "Hello?"
"Joey's Pizza?"
"Sorry, you have the wrong number," she said softly as a jolt ran through her. As much as she had been looking forward to seeing Vaughn again, she suddenly found herself filled with anxiety and nervous anticipation. She hung the phone up and glanced apologetically at Will. "Will, I'm sorry, I've got to go."
"I understand. Tell Vaughn I said hi."
"I will," she grinned, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing her purse and heading out the door.
Even though it was rush hour on a Thursday morning, Sydney made it to the warehouse in record time. She smoothed her skirt and took a few deep breaths to calm herself as she walked into the warehouse. She quickly made her way to the gate and felt her heart beat faster the moment she saw Vaughn standing across the room with his back turned to her. It took a few seconds before she realized that he was talking to someone inside the storage unit.
"Hi Vaughn," she said louder than usual, both because she was nervous and so he would hear her over his conversation.
He turned around, surprised to realize that he hadn't heard her open the gate. "Syd, you're early," he said, approaching her with a tense expression on his face.
She looked at him with confusion. "Weren't you expecting me? I got a Joey's Pizza call."
"Yeah, I was expecting you," he said in a low voice that only she could hear. "I just thought it would take you longer to get here."
"Well, I rushed a little bit," she admitted, giving him a meaningful look. "I was excited to see you, but I thought we'd be alone," she said, craning her neck to look at the woman standing on the other side of the room. "Who's that?"
Vaughn briefly looked her in the eye, then shifted his eyes downward, giving her a hint that something was seriously wrong. "Come, I'll introduce you."
Sydney followed him across the room until she stood across from a middle-aged woman with shoulder length salt-and-pepper hair and a warm, but firm smile. "Sylvia Miles, this is Agent Sydney Bristow," Vaughn said, making the introductions. "Sydney, this is Agent Miles. She's going to be your new handler."
Sydney froze and stared at Vaughn in shock. *She's going to be your new handler*? Surely he hadn't just said that, had he? Before she could open her mouth to speak, Agent Miles reached out to shake her hand.
"It's such a pleasure to meet you Sydney. I actually worked on a few operations with your father, back when we were both much younger," she laughed. "He was a wonderful agent, so it's no surprise that his daughter turned out to be, as well. I've read through your file, which was most impressive. You and Agent Vaughn have done good work and he raves about you, so I'm looking forward to working with you."
Sydney tried to muster a smile as she shook Sylvia's hand. "Thank you," she said weakly, too stunned to string together more words than that.
Vaughn nervously cleared his throat praying that Sydney wouldn't make a scene in front of Sylvia. "Agent Miles is one of the agency's most experienced handlers. She's handled -- is it seven -- double agents?" he asked, turning to her.
"Eight," Sylvia corrected with a laugh, "but who's counting? My husband works for an accounting firm and was recently transferred to L.A.," she explained to Sydney. "I certainly never thought that in my first week here, I'd be assigned another double agent, but I'm looking forward to the challenge -- and I hear you're *quite* a challenge," she said, smiling at Vaughn, who merely nodded in agreement. Sydney shot him a look out of the corner of her eye, and he realized that *he* was going to be in for the challenge of his life when he attempted to explain himself to her.
"Well, I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Sydney, but I know that you're leaving for Madrid this afternoon. So your countermission is simply to switch this transistor with the one you're supposed to acquire from the Cruz factory. You'll give this one to Sloane and give us the real one. Simple enough?"
"Uh, yes, of course," Sydney nodded, though her mind was so preoccupied that she had barely heard a word Sylvia had said.
"Good, then I'll see you when you return." She turned to Vaughn who offered to walk her out.
"I'll be right back and then we can talk," he said to Sydney in a low voice. She merely clenched her jaw and folded her arms in response as he walked Sylvia to the gate. As she heard them speaking to each other in low voices, she tried to move but felt as if she was rooted to the floor.
"Yes, I will. Thanks again, Sylvia," she heard Vaughn say before he closed the gate. She heard nothing but silence for the next few moments, but she could feel Vaughn staring at her from behind. Finally, he sighed and walked back over to her, close enough to notice that she was practically shaking with anger and disbelief.
"Sydney . . . "
"My god, Vaughn," she said in a low, overly-controlled voice that barely concealed her rage. "Were you so mad at me for what happened in Malaysia that you decided to punish me by dumping me on another handler?"
"Alright, Syd. First of all, I'm not mad at you. This has nothing to do with me being angry. And punishing you? No, that's not what I'm trying to do. The thought of that never crossed my mind."
She whirled around to face him, her face red and her eyes flashing. "*Really*? Then what is this all about? How could you do this to us?"
He placed a hand on the back of his neck and sighed. "Our conversation the other night made me do a lot of thinking, and I came to the conclusion that you being assigned a new handler was probably the best thing for both of us. When I remembered that Sylvia had been transferred to L.A., I knew that she was the perfect person to be your handler, so I asked her if she would consider it. She said yes, Devlin agreed, and that was that." He dropped his hand back to his side, then shoved both of his hands in his pockets and brought his eyes up to meet hers. "Look, I know that you're upset by this, and I know that I sprang it on you without warning, but I *had* to do that. I knew that if I told you what I was thinking about doing, you'd either get angry or try to talk me out of it, and I couldn't afford to let you influence my decision."
"You couldn't afford to let me influence your decision?" she repeated in disbelief, her voice growing louder with each successive word. "Well *that* makes sense, because it's not like this affects me at all! The only person here whose feelings matter are yours, right Vaughn?"
"No, my feelings are not the only feelings that matter, Sydney. Yours matter too, but I knew that you would do exactly what you're doing right now. You're reacting to this emotionally, not analytically or practically. Syd, the simple fact of the matter was that we couldn't go on the way we were going. That was becoming increasingly obvious to me, and I did what I had to do to rectify the situation. Agent Miles is one of the best handlers the agency has; she'll be good for you."
"How? Is she going to whip me into shape?" Sydney asked bitterly. She slowly exhaled and looked down at the floor. "Whatever happened to you not trusting anyone else to keep me safe?" she asked softly.
"Sydney, that's just it. I don't trust *myself* to keep you safe right now. That's the only responsibility I've ever had, and I told you once that I would sacrifice anything for that. Don't you remember that?"
She raised her eyes to look at him. "Of course I remember that. Do *you*? Do you remember what you promised me right after you said that, Michael?" she asked softly. "Because I remember laying in bed with you in Lake Tahoe and making you promise me that no matter what happened, you would never let anyone replace you as my handler. You promised me that no matter how hard things got, you would never do that."
"Yes, I know what I promised you. I know that I'm breaking that promise right now, and that's something that I *never* wanted to do. But when I made that promise, I was being incredibly naive, believing that there was no way I'd ever let my feelings for you get in the way of doing my job. I know better now," He said as he shook his head. "You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit that you cloud my judgment. It's almost like admitting that I've failed at my job, and I guess I have. The way that I feel about you influences every decision and every aspect of my life now, and in our line of work that is *so* incredibly dangerous. I can't be objective about you or anything that you do anymore, Sydney. The other night, I told you that we might have to sacrifice either our personal relationship or our professional one, and when it came time to choose, I decided that I would rather have you in my life and not work with you than the other way around. I can't apologize for that. I *won't* apologize for making you more important than my work."
"Wow, that's so sweet and romantic Vaughn," Sydney said, crossing her arms and staring back down at the floor. "Is now the part where I fall into your arms and kiss you for choosing me over the job?" she asked sarcastically. When she looked back up at him, she saw the hurt expression on his face and sighed.
"I'm sorry. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, trying to understand why you did this, but I can't. I can't believe that you would make this decision unilaterally without even discussing it with me first. I should have had a say in this. There are two of us in this relationship, Vaughn, but you took it on yourself to make the biggest decision we've ever faced. Whatever problems we were having with work, we could have worked them out. You *know* we could have," she said plaintively.
"I don't think we could have, Sydney," he shook his head and smiled to himself. "You are headstrong and independent, fearless and determined, impatient and emotional, and I love those things about you. But the same things that made me fall in love with you are the same things that make it impossible for me to work with you. Any other handler would try to reign you in, but I can't do that because I feel like it would be destroying all the things that make me crazy about you. Unlike me, Agent Miles isn't going to have a problem controlling you or putting you in your place when you need it, but I can't do that, Syd. I'm not capable of it anymore, not that I ever was," he said with a humorless laugh.
"So instead of trying, instead of finding some way to deal with me, you'd rather just walk away? Vaughn. . . I can't do this without you." She stared deeply into his eyes needing him to understand how much she needed him. "There have been times when the only reason I've kept pushing forward with this is because you've been behind me, encouraging me and telling me that I could. If I don't have you to do that anymore . . . what incentive is there to keep fighting?"
"Syd, you have every incentive in the world. SD-6 took your life away. They took Danny away from you, they took your future away from you. Your incentive to keep fighting is so you can take your future back. So you can take *our* future back."
"*Our* future?" Sydney asked pointedly. "Do we even still have one?"
Vaughn blinked his eyes in disbelief at her question. "Are you suggesting that we don't? Because when push came to shove, I chose Sydney and Michael over Agent Bristow and Agent Vaughn," he said heatedly. "I never would have done that unless I thought we had a future together, Sydney."
"A future that you apparently no longer feel like fighting for," she said accusingly.
"How can you say that?"
"Because. Think about what you're doing; you're turning your back on helping me bring SD-6 down. I told you that I couldn't do this without you, and now you're walking away from it as if you don't even care whether it happens or not!"
"I'm not turning my back on you. Look, I may not be working with you directly as your handler, but I'm still going to be doing everything I can to bring those bastards down. I'll still be working on the SD-6 operation, just not in the same capacity."
"Vaughn, I don't want you working in some other capacity. I want you working with *me*." Tears filled her eyes as the reality that they would no longer be working together started to slowly sink in. "You said that you chose our personal relationship over our professional relationship, but don't you see? Without work, we don't have an excuse to see each other anymore, and we barely see each other enough as it is. What's going to happen when I can't meet you here anymore?" she asked, gesturing to the warehouse. "We'll never go on another mission together . . . I'll be lucky if I get to sit across a room from you during a debrief. How can you be satisfied with that?"
"I won't be. I'm not going to be satisfied until I get to fall asleep with you every night and wake up next you every morning, but that can't happen until SD-6 is gone. You're making so much progress and with Agent Miles as your handler, I know that you're going to do even more amazing things than you already have. If I truly believed that you couldn't do this without me, then I would stay on as your handler, but I know better, Sydney. I believe in you," he said, his voice full of conviction. "You don't need me holding your hand to get through this. You're so much stronger than that."
"I'm really not, Vaughn," she whispered. "You're underestimating your importance if you think that I could do this with just anyone."
"Okay, maybe you couldn't do it with Lambert," he said, smiling as he noticed that he had coaxed a smile out of her, "but you can do it with Agent Miles. She's never going to look at you the way that I do, but that might be a good thing -- it might actually keep you alive. That's why I made sure you got a female handler. Whoa, is that another smile I see?" he teased, trying to catch her eye when she ducked her head.
"Vaughn, shut up," she said, turning her head away in an attempt to hide another tiny smile. "I'm in the middle of being madder than I've ever been at you. It would help if you stopped trying to be funny and cute. No matter how much you try to charm me, it's not going to make me any less upset about what you've done."
"I know," he said seriously. "I knew you would be angry, and you have every right to be. I broke my promise to you, and truth be told, I probably haven't fully thought out the consequences of resigning as your handler. But you have to know that the *only* reason I did this was because I love you and I want you to be safe. I want to know that you're working with someone who isn't going to be blinded with love for you, and that person isn't me, Syd. Because I'm blinded, believe me."
All it took was one look at his face to know that he was right. As she looked at him she could see, his feelings for her clearly written all over his face, making it impossible for her to stay angry at him. But although her anger was dissipating, she was still uneasy about the prospect of not working with him anymore. She was terrified that his decision was going to change everything in her life and she couldn't bear the uncertainty of not knowing how.
"So what are you going to be doing while Agent Miles is cracking the whip over me?"
Vaughn took a deep breath and Sydney instinctively braced herself for another shock to her system. "I'm going to be gone for a while," he reluctantly admitted.
"Gone?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Gone where?"
"Washington. Langley, to be precise."
Her eyes shot open and her jaw dropped. "So not only are you not going to be my handler anymore, but now you're moving across the country? What next, Vaughn? Are you going to cut off all contact with me to make absolutely sure that you keep me safe?"
Vaughn raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, this was actually not my decision, it was Devlin's. When I asked to be removed as your handler, Devlin decided that I was the right person to work on a new project. Remember your mother's disks from Fiji?"
"Yes."
"Well, they've been in analysis at Langley for the last month or so, and it turns out they were a goldmine. The agency is putting together a team to plan a coordinated attack on all the cells of the Alliance using that information. Devlin thought that with my knowledge of the SD-6 operation, I would be an asset to the team, and the Deputy Director agreed. That's why I'm being sent to Langley."
"For how long?" Sydney asked, not sure that she truly wanted to know.
"At least a couple of months, probably more like three or four."
"Three or four months? Vaughn!" she cried.
"I know," he nodded his head. "But Sydney, think about what this means. Once we're done planning our strategy of attack, we're moving in on the Alliance."
She stared at him as his words sank in. "So you're saying that in three or four months, this could all be over? When we first got those discs, you said it would take at least a year."
"I was wrong," he shrugged, "not that I'm complaining. Once the analysts at Langley realized how much information was on the discs, the time frame was pushed up. So as it turns out, you might only have to deal with having a new handler for another four months. Then you'll never have to have a handler again, and you can finally stop being mad at me," he smiled.
"Like hell," she laughed. "I'm sure I'll still be mad."
"Well, at least I'll have four months to find way to make it up to you." Sensing a thaw between them, he reached his hand out to her and puller her closer to him. "Are you really mad at me?" he softly asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Yes," she said, even as she intertwined her fingers with his. "Actually, I'm not mad so much as upset. You had no right to make such a huge decision without consulting me," she said as he nodded. "And I don't even want to imagine what the next four months are going to be like, knowing that you're a whole continent away. It's going to be hell, Vaughn."
"For me too. But we'll get through it; it's only four months."
"*Only* four months," she mimicked. "Four months is a long time, Vaughn. Who knows what could happen in that time?"
"It'll go by before we know it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself when I think about how much I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you a lot, Syd."
"Yeah, you are," she said, poking him in the chest with her index finger. "When do you leave?"
"Saturday."
"What?!" she asked incredulously. "God. First, I find out that you're not going to be my handler anymore, then that you're moving to Virginia for four months, and now you're telling me that you're leaving in two days? Why don't you just shoot me, Vaughn? I've had ass-kickings that have been less painful than this."
"Syd, I'm sorry. I know I've dumped a ton of stuff on you today. It's just that things have moved so fast in the past couple of days. I've been thrown for a loop, too -- not as much as you have, of course," he added when she shot him the evil eye.
"Saturday," she said softly as the realization swept over her. "I leave for Madrid this afternoon and I don't think I'll get back before you leave. I'm not even going to get to say a proper good-bye to you," she said sadly.
"Seriously? I don't want you to say good-bye to me. This isn't 'good-bye,' it's 'see you soon.' Just think. . . the next time we see each other, we might be celebrating the end of the Alliance and SD-6. Just try to remember that, okay?"
She nodded and leaned in to hug him, burying her face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around her. "I have to go," she murmured. "Sloane scheduled at briefing at ten thirty."
"Yeah, I have a lot to do at the office before I leave on Saturday." He softly kissed her forehead.
"What about Donovan?"
"What? Are you in the market for a lazy bulldog?" he laughed. "He's going with me. I didn't think it was fair to dump him on Eric for four months."
"I could keep him," she offered, desperate to have any part of Vaughn with her for the next few months.
"When, between trips to Reykjavik and Tokyo? I don't think so. Besides, I'm gonna need someone to listen to me bitch about how much I miss you."
"Just thought I'd offer," she shrugged. Maybe while you're gone Sloane will send me on a mission to retrieve some Rambaldi device that speeds the passage of time," she laughed.
"Yeah, see what you can do about that."
She raised her head to look into his eyes and brushed his cheek with her fingertips. "I love you, Vaughn. Even though you're a jackass who managed to completely turn my world upside down in a half-hour, I love you."
"I deserve that," he laughed as he held her tighter. I love you too."
When he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her sweeter and longer than she'd ever been kissed before, she knew without a doubt that he did. Sadly, she also knew that the next four months were going to feel like forever. She just prayed that they would find some way to survive their separation.
TBC . . .
A/N: Yep. It was my intention to drag out the angst a little bit longer, but the muse had other ideas, and I just do what she tells me to. I'm a sap. I just couldn't let Vaughn go to Washington while he and Sydney were still mad at each other. But then again, the angst isn't *completely* over, just the fighting, I suppose. :-) Four months is a long time, or is it? Hopefully, I'll have a new chapter this weekend. As always, thanks for reading.
After applying her makeup and brushing her hair one last time, Sydney stood in front of the bathroom mirror and stared at her reflection, pleased by what she saw on a morning when she actually cared about looking better than usual. She picked a spec of lint from her sleeveless beige turtleneck, then walked back into her bedroom and slipped into her black suit jacket. She smiled and shook her head at the fact that she had gotten dressed up in hopes that she would see Vaughn at some point during the day. It had been three days since their conversation in the warehouse. Three long days of not hearing his voice or seeing his face. Three longs days of knowing that things were still unsettled between them.
She hadn't believed her ears when Vaughn suggested that they might no longer be able to balance their professional and personal relationships. She had had some initial doubts about that when they first became romantically involved, but the thought hadn't crossed her mind again until he brought it up that night. Surprisingly enough, she had actually been able to keep her emotions from getting the better of her, suggesting that they have a cooling off period. Vaughn agreed that after the stress and anxiety of her Kuala Lumpur mission, they were probably both a little overemotional and needed time to think and reevaluate their situation.
The detente has lasted only a few minutes, until Vaughn leaned forward to kiss her good-bye. For reasons she still didn't understand, she had pulled away from him. She cringed as she remembered the shocked and hurt look that had flashed across his face just before he wordlessly turned and left the warehouse. She had briefly considered calling him to apologize, but as she replayed their argument in her mind during the drive home, she felt herself getting worked up all over again about the way that he had practically scolded her for not following his orders.
So, being as stubborn as ever, she ignored the impulse to apologize to Vaughn, deciding that she would let him come to her instead. When she hadn't heard from him by the next day, she realized fact that he was probably as upset with her as she was with him, and deep down, she knew that he had every right to be. Still, it had been a blow to her ego to have to make the first contact between them when she dead dropped her most recent SD-6 mission last night. On the bright side, however, she knew that it meant she and Vaughn would finally see each other again today, and she couldn't help but look forward to it. She was sure that they could both find a way to swallow their pride and resolve their issues in a civilized manner. At least she hoped so, because she missed him terribly.
Satisfied after one last glance in the mirror, she gathered her things and made her way into the kitchen, smiling when she saw Will sitting at the counter reading the paper.
"Hey," he smiled, "you look like you're in a better mood."
"I am," she said as she poured a cup of coffee.
"Good. I've been afraid to look at you for the past couple of days," he admitted.
Sydney looked at him with surprise. "I haven't been *that* bad, have I?"
"Uh, yeah, you have," Will laughed. "Now that I think I can ask without getting beat up, what was wrong?"
"Vaughn and I had a fight," she sighed.
"First lover's spat?" Will asked with a sympathetic smile.
"No, actually it was a work-related fight, although it's hard to tell the difference sometimes. To hear Vaughn tell it, that's part of the problem," she shrugged.
"Well, I'm sure you guys will work it out and it'll all blow over," Will said reassuringly.
"I'm sure of it, too," she said with a confident smile. Truthfully, she was incapable of staying mad at Vaughn for any extended length of time. She knew that the minute she saw him, she'd forgive him almost anything. She was a fool for him. "Anyway, enough about me and Vaughn. How's the new job?"
"Great so far, although reviewing classified information is a lot different than -- " he was cut off midsentence by the shrill ring of the telephone.
"Hold that thought for a sec," Sydney smiled as she reached for the phone. "Hello?"
"Joey's Pizza?"
"Sorry, you have the wrong number," she said softly as a jolt ran through her. As much as she had been looking forward to seeing Vaughn again, she suddenly found herself filled with anxiety and nervous anticipation. She hung the phone up and glanced apologetically at Will. "Will, I'm sorry, I've got to go."
"I understand. Tell Vaughn I said hi."
"I will," she grinned, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing her purse and heading out the door.
Even though it was rush hour on a Thursday morning, Sydney made it to the warehouse in record time. She smoothed her skirt and took a few deep breaths to calm herself as she walked into the warehouse. She quickly made her way to the gate and felt her heart beat faster the moment she saw Vaughn standing across the room with his back turned to her. It took a few seconds before she realized that he was talking to someone inside the storage unit.
"Hi Vaughn," she said louder than usual, both because she was nervous and so he would hear her over his conversation.
He turned around, surprised to realize that he hadn't heard her open the gate. "Syd, you're early," he said, approaching her with a tense expression on his face.
She looked at him with confusion. "Weren't you expecting me? I got a Joey's Pizza call."
"Yeah, I was expecting you," he said in a low voice that only she could hear. "I just thought it would take you longer to get here."
"Well, I rushed a little bit," she admitted, giving him a meaningful look. "I was excited to see you, but I thought we'd be alone," she said, craning her neck to look at the woman standing on the other side of the room. "Who's that?"
Vaughn briefly looked her in the eye, then shifted his eyes downward, giving her a hint that something was seriously wrong. "Come, I'll introduce you."
Sydney followed him across the room until she stood across from a middle-aged woman with shoulder length salt-and-pepper hair and a warm, but firm smile. "Sylvia Miles, this is Agent Sydney Bristow," Vaughn said, making the introductions. "Sydney, this is Agent Miles. She's going to be your new handler."
Sydney froze and stared at Vaughn in shock. *She's going to be your new handler*? Surely he hadn't just said that, had he? Before she could open her mouth to speak, Agent Miles reached out to shake her hand.
"It's such a pleasure to meet you Sydney. I actually worked on a few operations with your father, back when we were both much younger," she laughed. "He was a wonderful agent, so it's no surprise that his daughter turned out to be, as well. I've read through your file, which was most impressive. You and Agent Vaughn have done good work and he raves about you, so I'm looking forward to working with you."
Sydney tried to muster a smile as she shook Sylvia's hand. "Thank you," she said weakly, too stunned to string together more words than that.
Vaughn nervously cleared his throat praying that Sydney wouldn't make a scene in front of Sylvia. "Agent Miles is one of the agency's most experienced handlers. She's handled -- is it seven -- double agents?" he asked, turning to her.
"Eight," Sylvia corrected with a laugh, "but who's counting? My husband works for an accounting firm and was recently transferred to L.A.," she explained to Sydney. "I certainly never thought that in my first week here, I'd be assigned another double agent, but I'm looking forward to the challenge -- and I hear you're *quite* a challenge," she said, smiling at Vaughn, who merely nodded in agreement. Sydney shot him a look out of the corner of her eye, and he realized that *he* was going to be in for the challenge of his life when he attempted to explain himself to her.
"Well, I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Sydney, but I know that you're leaving for Madrid this afternoon. So your countermission is simply to switch this transistor with the one you're supposed to acquire from the Cruz factory. You'll give this one to Sloane and give us the real one. Simple enough?"
"Uh, yes, of course," Sydney nodded, though her mind was so preoccupied that she had barely heard a word Sylvia had said.
"Good, then I'll see you when you return." She turned to Vaughn who offered to walk her out.
"I'll be right back and then we can talk," he said to Sydney in a low voice. She merely clenched her jaw and folded her arms in response as he walked Sylvia to the gate. As she heard them speaking to each other in low voices, she tried to move but felt as if she was rooted to the floor.
"Yes, I will. Thanks again, Sylvia," she heard Vaughn say before he closed the gate. She heard nothing but silence for the next few moments, but she could feel Vaughn staring at her from behind. Finally, he sighed and walked back over to her, close enough to notice that she was practically shaking with anger and disbelief.
"Sydney . . . "
"My god, Vaughn," she said in a low, overly-controlled voice that barely concealed her rage. "Were you so mad at me for what happened in Malaysia that you decided to punish me by dumping me on another handler?"
"Alright, Syd. First of all, I'm not mad at you. This has nothing to do with me being angry. And punishing you? No, that's not what I'm trying to do. The thought of that never crossed my mind."
She whirled around to face him, her face red and her eyes flashing. "*Really*? Then what is this all about? How could you do this to us?"
He placed a hand on the back of his neck and sighed. "Our conversation the other night made me do a lot of thinking, and I came to the conclusion that you being assigned a new handler was probably the best thing for both of us. When I remembered that Sylvia had been transferred to L.A., I knew that she was the perfect person to be your handler, so I asked her if she would consider it. She said yes, Devlin agreed, and that was that." He dropped his hand back to his side, then shoved both of his hands in his pockets and brought his eyes up to meet hers. "Look, I know that you're upset by this, and I know that I sprang it on you without warning, but I *had* to do that. I knew that if I told you what I was thinking about doing, you'd either get angry or try to talk me out of it, and I couldn't afford to let you influence my decision."
"You couldn't afford to let me influence your decision?" she repeated in disbelief, her voice growing louder with each successive word. "Well *that* makes sense, because it's not like this affects me at all! The only person here whose feelings matter are yours, right Vaughn?"
"No, my feelings are not the only feelings that matter, Sydney. Yours matter too, but I knew that you would do exactly what you're doing right now. You're reacting to this emotionally, not analytically or practically. Syd, the simple fact of the matter was that we couldn't go on the way we were going. That was becoming increasingly obvious to me, and I did what I had to do to rectify the situation. Agent Miles is one of the best handlers the agency has; she'll be good for you."
"How? Is she going to whip me into shape?" Sydney asked bitterly. She slowly exhaled and looked down at the floor. "Whatever happened to you not trusting anyone else to keep me safe?" she asked softly.
"Sydney, that's just it. I don't trust *myself* to keep you safe right now. That's the only responsibility I've ever had, and I told you once that I would sacrifice anything for that. Don't you remember that?"
She raised her eyes to look at him. "Of course I remember that. Do *you*? Do you remember what you promised me right after you said that, Michael?" she asked softly. "Because I remember laying in bed with you in Lake Tahoe and making you promise me that no matter what happened, you would never let anyone replace you as my handler. You promised me that no matter how hard things got, you would never do that."
"Yes, I know what I promised you. I know that I'm breaking that promise right now, and that's something that I *never* wanted to do. But when I made that promise, I was being incredibly naive, believing that there was no way I'd ever let my feelings for you get in the way of doing my job. I know better now," He said as he shook his head. "You have no idea how hard it is for me to admit that you cloud my judgment. It's almost like admitting that I've failed at my job, and I guess I have. The way that I feel about you influences every decision and every aspect of my life now, and in our line of work that is *so* incredibly dangerous. I can't be objective about you or anything that you do anymore, Sydney. The other night, I told you that we might have to sacrifice either our personal relationship or our professional one, and when it came time to choose, I decided that I would rather have you in my life and not work with you than the other way around. I can't apologize for that. I *won't* apologize for making you more important than my work."
"Wow, that's so sweet and romantic Vaughn," Sydney said, crossing her arms and staring back down at the floor. "Is now the part where I fall into your arms and kiss you for choosing me over the job?" she asked sarcastically. When she looked back up at him, she saw the hurt expression on his face and sighed.
"I'm sorry. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, trying to understand why you did this, but I can't. I can't believe that you would make this decision unilaterally without even discussing it with me first. I should have had a say in this. There are two of us in this relationship, Vaughn, but you took it on yourself to make the biggest decision we've ever faced. Whatever problems we were having with work, we could have worked them out. You *know* we could have," she said plaintively.
"I don't think we could have, Sydney," he shook his head and smiled to himself. "You are headstrong and independent, fearless and determined, impatient and emotional, and I love those things about you. But the same things that made me fall in love with you are the same things that make it impossible for me to work with you. Any other handler would try to reign you in, but I can't do that because I feel like it would be destroying all the things that make me crazy about you. Unlike me, Agent Miles isn't going to have a problem controlling you or putting you in your place when you need it, but I can't do that, Syd. I'm not capable of it anymore, not that I ever was," he said with a humorless laugh.
"So instead of trying, instead of finding some way to deal with me, you'd rather just walk away? Vaughn. . . I can't do this without you." She stared deeply into his eyes needing him to understand how much she needed him. "There have been times when the only reason I've kept pushing forward with this is because you've been behind me, encouraging me and telling me that I could. If I don't have you to do that anymore . . . what incentive is there to keep fighting?"
"Syd, you have every incentive in the world. SD-6 took your life away. They took Danny away from you, they took your future away from you. Your incentive to keep fighting is so you can take your future back. So you can take *our* future back."
"*Our* future?" Sydney asked pointedly. "Do we even still have one?"
Vaughn blinked his eyes in disbelief at her question. "Are you suggesting that we don't? Because when push came to shove, I chose Sydney and Michael over Agent Bristow and Agent Vaughn," he said heatedly. "I never would have done that unless I thought we had a future together, Sydney."
"A future that you apparently no longer feel like fighting for," she said accusingly.
"How can you say that?"
"Because. Think about what you're doing; you're turning your back on helping me bring SD-6 down. I told you that I couldn't do this without you, and now you're walking away from it as if you don't even care whether it happens or not!"
"I'm not turning my back on you. Look, I may not be working with you directly as your handler, but I'm still going to be doing everything I can to bring those bastards down. I'll still be working on the SD-6 operation, just not in the same capacity."
"Vaughn, I don't want you working in some other capacity. I want you working with *me*." Tears filled her eyes as the reality that they would no longer be working together started to slowly sink in. "You said that you chose our personal relationship over our professional relationship, but don't you see? Without work, we don't have an excuse to see each other anymore, and we barely see each other enough as it is. What's going to happen when I can't meet you here anymore?" she asked, gesturing to the warehouse. "We'll never go on another mission together . . . I'll be lucky if I get to sit across a room from you during a debrief. How can you be satisfied with that?"
"I won't be. I'm not going to be satisfied until I get to fall asleep with you every night and wake up next you every morning, but that can't happen until SD-6 is gone. You're making so much progress and with Agent Miles as your handler, I know that you're going to do even more amazing things than you already have. If I truly believed that you couldn't do this without me, then I would stay on as your handler, but I know better, Sydney. I believe in you," he said, his voice full of conviction. "You don't need me holding your hand to get through this. You're so much stronger than that."
"I'm really not, Vaughn," she whispered. "You're underestimating your importance if you think that I could do this with just anyone."
"Okay, maybe you couldn't do it with Lambert," he said, smiling as he noticed that he had coaxed a smile out of her, "but you can do it with Agent Miles. She's never going to look at you the way that I do, but that might be a good thing -- it might actually keep you alive. That's why I made sure you got a female handler. Whoa, is that another smile I see?" he teased, trying to catch her eye when she ducked her head.
"Vaughn, shut up," she said, turning her head away in an attempt to hide another tiny smile. "I'm in the middle of being madder than I've ever been at you. It would help if you stopped trying to be funny and cute. No matter how much you try to charm me, it's not going to make me any less upset about what you've done."
"I know," he said seriously. "I knew you would be angry, and you have every right to be. I broke my promise to you, and truth be told, I probably haven't fully thought out the consequences of resigning as your handler. But you have to know that the *only* reason I did this was because I love you and I want you to be safe. I want to know that you're working with someone who isn't going to be blinded with love for you, and that person isn't me, Syd. Because I'm blinded, believe me."
All it took was one look at his face to know that he was right. As she looked at him she could see, his feelings for her clearly written all over his face, making it impossible for her to stay angry at him. But although her anger was dissipating, she was still uneasy about the prospect of not working with him anymore. She was terrified that his decision was going to change everything in her life and she couldn't bear the uncertainty of not knowing how.
"So what are you going to be doing while Agent Miles is cracking the whip over me?"
Vaughn took a deep breath and Sydney instinctively braced herself for another shock to her system. "I'm going to be gone for a while," he reluctantly admitted.
"Gone?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Gone where?"
"Washington. Langley, to be precise."
Her eyes shot open and her jaw dropped. "So not only are you not going to be my handler anymore, but now you're moving across the country? What next, Vaughn? Are you going to cut off all contact with me to make absolutely sure that you keep me safe?"
Vaughn raised his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, this was actually not my decision, it was Devlin's. When I asked to be removed as your handler, Devlin decided that I was the right person to work on a new project. Remember your mother's disks from Fiji?"
"Yes."
"Well, they've been in analysis at Langley for the last month or so, and it turns out they were a goldmine. The agency is putting together a team to plan a coordinated attack on all the cells of the Alliance using that information. Devlin thought that with my knowledge of the SD-6 operation, I would be an asset to the team, and the Deputy Director agreed. That's why I'm being sent to Langley."
"For how long?" Sydney asked, not sure that she truly wanted to know.
"At least a couple of months, probably more like three or four."
"Three or four months? Vaughn!" she cried.
"I know," he nodded his head. "But Sydney, think about what this means. Once we're done planning our strategy of attack, we're moving in on the Alliance."
She stared at him as his words sank in. "So you're saying that in three or four months, this could all be over? When we first got those discs, you said it would take at least a year."
"I was wrong," he shrugged, "not that I'm complaining. Once the analysts at Langley realized how much information was on the discs, the time frame was pushed up. So as it turns out, you might only have to deal with having a new handler for another four months. Then you'll never have to have a handler again, and you can finally stop being mad at me," he smiled.
"Like hell," she laughed. "I'm sure I'll still be mad."
"Well, at least I'll have four months to find way to make it up to you." Sensing a thaw between them, he reached his hand out to her and puller her closer to him. "Are you really mad at me?" he softly asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Yes," she said, even as she intertwined her fingers with his. "Actually, I'm not mad so much as upset. You had no right to make such a huge decision without consulting me," she said as he nodded. "And I don't even want to imagine what the next four months are going to be like, knowing that you're a whole continent away. It's going to be hell, Vaughn."
"For me too. But we'll get through it; it's only four months."
"*Only* four months," she mimicked. "Four months is a long time, Vaughn. Who knows what could happen in that time?"
"It'll go by before we know it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself when I think about how much I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you a lot, Syd."
"Yeah, you are," she said, poking him in the chest with her index finger. "When do you leave?"
"Saturday."
"What?!" she asked incredulously. "God. First, I find out that you're not going to be my handler anymore, then that you're moving to Virginia for four months, and now you're telling me that you're leaving in two days? Why don't you just shoot me, Vaughn? I've had ass-kickings that have been less painful than this."
"Syd, I'm sorry. I know I've dumped a ton of stuff on you today. It's just that things have moved so fast in the past couple of days. I've been thrown for a loop, too -- not as much as you have, of course," he added when she shot him the evil eye.
"Saturday," she said softly as the realization swept over her. "I leave for Madrid this afternoon and I don't think I'll get back before you leave. I'm not even going to get to say a proper good-bye to you," she said sadly.
"Seriously? I don't want you to say good-bye to me. This isn't 'good-bye,' it's 'see you soon.' Just think. . . the next time we see each other, we might be celebrating the end of the Alliance and SD-6. Just try to remember that, okay?"
She nodded and leaned in to hug him, burying her face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around her. "I have to go," she murmured. "Sloane scheduled at briefing at ten thirty."
"Yeah, I have a lot to do at the office before I leave on Saturday." He softly kissed her forehead.
"What about Donovan?"
"What? Are you in the market for a lazy bulldog?" he laughed. "He's going with me. I didn't think it was fair to dump him on Eric for four months."
"I could keep him," she offered, desperate to have any part of Vaughn with her for the next few months.
"When, between trips to Reykjavik and Tokyo? I don't think so. Besides, I'm gonna need someone to listen to me bitch about how much I miss you."
"Just thought I'd offer," she shrugged. Maybe while you're gone Sloane will send me on a mission to retrieve some Rambaldi device that speeds the passage of time," she laughed.
"Yeah, see what you can do about that."
She raised her head to look into his eyes and brushed his cheek with her fingertips. "I love you, Vaughn. Even though you're a jackass who managed to completely turn my world upside down in a half-hour, I love you."
"I deserve that," he laughed as he held her tighter. I love you too."
When he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her sweeter and longer than she'd ever been kissed before, she knew without a doubt that he did. Sadly, she also knew that the next four months were going to feel like forever. She just prayed that they would find some way to survive their separation.
TBC . . .
A/N: Yep. It was my intention to drag out the angst a little bit longer, but the muse had other ideas, and I just do what she tells me to. I'm a sap. I just couldn't let Vaughn go to Washington while he and Sydney were still mad at each other. But then again, the angst isn't *completely* over, just the fighting, I suppose. :-) Four months is a long time, or is it? Hopefully, I'll have a new chapter this weekend. As always, thanks for reading.