Chapter 21: "Eight Miles"
Sydney flashed her security badge and the guard at the top of the stairs opened the gate and let her onto the roof. She took a few halting steps forward, transfixed by the sight of her mother stretching and meditating, radiating a sense of utter calm and peace. As Sydney watched, she realized how difficult it was to reconcile this woman with the woman who killed twelve CIA agents and ran her own crime syndicate after abandoning her family. After a few moments of silence, Irina stopped her movements, stood, and turned around.
"Sydney, I knew it was you," she smiled as she looked closely at her daughter. Sydney's face was impassive but Irina could sense that something was troubling her. "How have you been? It's been a while since I last saw you."
"I'm fine. I was away for a while."
"Away? On a mission for Sloane?" Irina asked, her features darkening with a mixture of concern and resentment.
"No, I was gone for personal reasons," Sydney said flatly.
"I hope that nothing's wrong."
"I guess that depends on how you look it." Irina was taken aback by Sydney's clipped toned and the steely look in her eyes. She hadn't seen Sydney look at her that way since the first week after she'd turned herself in to the CIA.
"Do you mind if I ask where you went?"
"Washington. McLean, Virginia to be exact."
Irina's eyes flashed with recognition. "The only thing of any note is McLean is Langley. I thought you said you were gone for personal reasons."
"I was. Vaughn is there; he's working at Langley for the next few months."
"Why?" Irina asked curiously
"I'm not at liberty to tell you that," Sydney said, crossing her arms.
"But it has something to do with SD-6?"
Sydney sighed with annoyance. "I just said that I can't tell you what he's doing. I won't tell you, no matter how many times you ask," she said stonily.
"Fine," Irina snapped, as her voice began to take on an edge of its own. Sydney's obstinacy reminded her so much of herself when she was younger, an observation that filled her with both motherly pride and indignation. "So Agent Vaughn is gone," she said, watching closely as a look of both love and pain flickered across her daughter's face. "Does that have something to do with why you've seemed so unlike yourself for the past few weeks?"
"I miss him," Sydney said quietly, avoiding her mother's penetrating gaze. "Or, I did, until I went to see him. But now that I'm back and he's not, I miss him again."
"I understand." Irina nodded. "It's difficult not to be with the people we love."
Sydney looked back up at her mother with an incredulous glare. "I imagine it's easier when you've *chosen* not to be with them."
"I wouldn't know," Irina barked, matching Sydney's glare with one of her own. She wasn't sure why Sydney was acting so coldly now that they had finally begun to reconnect. "Sydney," she said in a softer tone, "something's obviously upsetting you, but I don't think now is a good time for us to have this conversation."
"You're right," Sydney agreed. "Besides, I didn't come up here to ask you why you abandoned me and dad."
"Then why did you come?"
"Because I need answers from you, answers about Vaughn's father."
Irina's face froze for a moment before she regained her composure. "Sydney, really, you don't want to -- "
"Don't tell me what I want," Sydney cut her off. "When you first came back, you told me that there was a difference between wanting to know something and needing to know. I don't want to know why you killed William Vaughn, Mom. I *need* to know."
"No. No, you don't," Irina said harshly.
"I do," Sydney pleaded, almost on the verge of tears. Irina's chest tightened when saw the pain on her daughter's face, and she was filled with dread. She'd known ever since Vaughn first came to her cell that this conversation with her daughter was inevitable, but she hadn't though that it would come so soon.
"Why?" Irina asked anxiously. "Why do you want to hear this? Why do you need to know and why now? Did something happen while you were with Vaughn?"
"Did something happen? Yes, as a matter of fact, something did happen. For the first time since I've known Vaughn, he started to open up to me about his father. He even took me to his gravesite." Sydney closed her eyes and sighed, remembering how Vaughn had tightly clenched her hand while they were at William's grave, as if he was trying to draw strength from her as he shared his memories of him. "I know it wasn't easy for him to let me in like that, but he did. He made the effort because he knew that it was important to our relationship and because we agreed to stop letting our parents' pasts cloud our future."
"Sydney, I -- "
"That wasn't all," she said quietly. "I met his mother, and she treated me like the daughter she never had. The daughter that she *might've* had if her husband -- and her life -- hadn't been ripped away from her when she wasn't too much older than I am now. She's an amazing woman, and when I told her who I was and what you did to her family, she *still* accepted me because she loves Vaughn so much. I've never met anyone like her before, and I can't imagine how hard it was for her to pick up the pieces of her life after her husband died."
"Sydney," Irina sighed, "It's obvious that you liked and admired Mrs. Vaughn a great deal, but don't make her out to be some kind of martyr. You, of all people, should be able to understand how she resumed her life after losing the man she loved."
Sydney stared at her mother in disbelief. Was she actually trying to downplay the loss that Elise had suffered? "That was completely different," she said emphatically. "Danny and I hadn't even begun to build a life together, and yes, it was hard to drag myself out of bed everyday for almost a year after he died, but that couldn't have been anything compared to what Elise went through. She had to push her own pain aside to take care of Vaughn; she had to look into his face every day and be reminded of what she lost."
"Like your father," Irina said softly.
"Yes, like Dad. But the difference between Dad and Elise, is that while Dad totally withdrew from my life, Elise made Vaughn the center of hers. You should see them, they're so close. They have the kind of relationship that I only wish Dad and I had had while I was growing up. But as wonderful as their relationship is, I could almost see how it was tinged with the sadness and pain of William's death, and it broke my heart. Mom, you know that I love Vaughn, and after a week, I already love his mother too. That's why I need answers from you," Sydney finished, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes.
As Irina stared at her daughter, a flood of emotions ran through her: shame, guilt, and pain, but also resolve and strength. She knew that she couldn't possibly apologize for William Vaughn's death, but she also knew that she wouldn't. Not ever. "Sydney, I know that you've experienced a great deal in your life, but you couldn't begin to understand why I had to do the things that I did, and you're in no position to judge me."
"I'm in no position to judge you for killing twelve CIA agents and god knows how many other foreign agents?" Sydney asked incredulously. "How in the hell can you justify all of the things that you've done?"
"I *can't* justify all of the things that I've done, and I've never tried to. I was blinded by ideology and even though I questioned some of the things that I was ordered to do, I honestly believed that they were for a greater good, that I was doing them in service of my country. You work for the CIA, Sydney, and you spent seven years being deceived by SD-6, thinking that you were doing good when you were doing the exact opposite. You, more than anyone, should be able to understand how I must have felt."
"Don't," Sydney said between clenched teeth. "Don't stand in front of me and tell me that I should be able to understand how you could commit murder for your country. I would never do that for the CIA; I was never even asked to do that for SD-6. So no, Mom, I can't understand how you felt. I know that we do things in this business sometimes that are distasteful and unpleasant, but the only times I've killed have been in self-defense. I've never killed anyone without provocation, and I can't bring myself to shrug off the fact that you have, especially when one of the dead bodies you left in your wake belonged to the father of the man I love."
"Sydney, like I said, I can't justify all of the things that I've done. The first few agents that I killed, I did it without thinking about it, without questioning orders, without letting myself feel anything because I couldn't afford to. But the rest . . ." her voice trailed off and she shut her eyes tightly. "I had no choice," she said firmly. "You couldn't possibly understand."
"Then *make* me understand," Sydney pleaded. Deep inside, she knew that nothing her mother could say would ever satisfy or placate her, but she was desperate for an answer, any answer.
"You *can't* understand, Sydney, because you're not a mother," Irina blurted out.
"What does that mean? What does being a mother have to do with . . ." she gasped and covered her mouth with her hand as the implication of her mother's words suddenly hit her. "Tell me that you didn't -- "
"I did. I had to. They gave me no choice Sydney -- it was either those agents' lives or yours and your father's. There *was* no choice to make. I would have done whatever it took to keep them from harming you and your father, and I won't apologize for that. It's unfortunate that Vaughn and his mother had to suffer as a result of what I did, but it kept my family alive. There's no mother in the world who wouldn't have done what I did."
Sydney suddenly felt as if she'd been kicked in the gut. "You sacrificed William's life for ours?" she cried in anguish. "You're telling me that Vaughn had to lose his father so *I* could live?"
"I tried to tell you that you might not be prepared to hear this, Sydney. You should have listened to me," she said reproachfully. "I know how you feel about Vaughn, and I know how painful this must be, but do you at least understand now? Do you understand why I had to do what I did?" she asked desperately. Sydney looked sickened and devastated and she feared that she may have permanently ruined any chance of rebuilding her relationship with her daughter.
"It doesn't matter if I understand," Sydney shook her head. "How could *Vaughn* ever understand this?" Sydney looked at her mother, desperate for an answer. There were thousands of questions racing through her mind, but the only one that truly mattered was how Vaughn would react to learning this awful truth. They'd been through a lot together, but she wasn't at all sure that their relationship could survive this new revelation. No matter how much he loved her, she knew she couldn't ever ask him to understand the choice her mother had made.
Just as Irina opened her mouth to speak again, the guards approached them, signaling that her fifteen minutes outside were over. Mother and daughter looked at each other in anguish, knowing that their conversation was coming to a premature end, and that so many lingering questions remained between them.
Irina reached out to place a comforting hand on Sydney's shoulder, but drew it back when she saw the guards tightening their grips on their weapons. "Sydney, I don't have an answer for that question, but he loves you. He will understand."
Sydney couldn't bring herself to watch as the guards escorted her mother from the roof. Even worse than that, she couldn't bring herself to believe her mother's assurances about Vaughn.
*****
"Sydney . . . Earth to Sydney."
Sydney turned around, startled when she felt a light hand on her shoulder. "Weiss," she said, forcing her voice to sound normal. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were up here."
"I noticed. Jake Myers told me that you'd been up here ever since they took your mother back to her cell. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.
"Never better. I was just taking advantage of the fresh air," she said with forced cheerfulness, fidgeting nervously as Weiss closely studied her.
"Sydney, for a spy you can be a really bad liar sometimes. What's wrong?" he asked, facing her as he took a seat on the edge of the concrete wall along the roof.
"Nothing," she said, avoiding his stare. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine," he shook his head. "You're obviously upset about something and it's my job to find out what it is."
"Since when?" she asked more defensively than she'd meant to. The only person whose job that had been was Vaughn's, and she wasn't sure that she trusted anyone else to do it.
"Ever since Frenchy left. He's my best friend, and the one thing he asked me to do was to keep an eye on you and make sure that you were okay."
Of course he had. "He's so overprotective sometimes," Sydney smiled ruefully. "I think that might be what I love about him the most."
"It's because he loves you. You're all he cares about, and he'd kick my ass if he found out that I wasn't taking care of you."
"No, he wouldn't."
"Yeah, he would. He tends to get a little irrational where you're concerned," Weiss smiled. "So seriously, what's wrong? Did your mom upset you?"
She sighed deeply. She wasn't sure that she should tell Weiss about her conversation with her mother, but she felt like she desperately needed to tell someone, and Vaughn, her father, and Dr. Barnett were out of the question. "I did something really stupid," she said quietly. "I made the mistake of asking her why she killed his father. I thought that I needed to know, but now I wish I didn't." She choked back a sob and buried her face in her hands as her mother's words echoed in her mind.
"Hey, come here," Weiss soothed as he stood up and hugged her sympathetically. "It's obvious that whatever she said upset you, but it'll be okay." He held her for a few minutes until she stopped sniffling and when he sat back down, he pulled her hand until she sat next to him.
"I don't think it can ever be okay," she whispered. "A week ago, I was so ridiculously happy. I was with Vaughn and was the first time that I really felt like a part of his life, like more than just a secret he was keeping, and it was the first time that I got to see him as just Michael, without all the CIA stuff going on. But best of all, it was the first time that he and I really let down our guard with each other and talked about our parents. I was feeling really guilty about what my mother did to his father, but he told me that I didn't have to."
"And he was right. It's not your fault, Sydney. It never was."
"I wanted to believe that. You have no idea how much I wanted to believe that, how much I wanted to let go of all the guilt I've been carrying around. I was finally ready to do that and I thought that if I talked to my mom and listened to her explain her reasons for killing his father, that I'd finally be able to accept that I wasn't responsible for her actions and that I'd be able to let it go. But now . . ." Her voice trailed off as a fresh set of tears sprang to her eyes. "How do you think Vaughn would react to finding out that his father's life was sacrificed for mine?"
"Wait, what are you . . . are you saying that -- "
Sydney nodded mournfully. "She told me that the reason she killed his father was because her superiors threatened to kill me and my father if she didn't carry out her orders. She killed him because of me. How could Vaughn ever look at me again knowing that?"
"I don't think he's going to have a problem looking at you, Sydney. He never has before," he smiled, trying to cheer her up.
"Weiss," she hiccuped. "Stop trying to make me laugh. This is serious."
"Only because you're making it that way. You just said that Mike told you it was time to let go of the guilt, right? So what, all it took was a few words from your mother to make you forget that?" he asked gently. "Listen, I know that right now this seems like the most devastating thing you could have found out, but honestly, it's not. The guilt you're feeling isn't going to bring Mike's father back, and it's also not going to change how he feels about you. Is it a crazy, horrible coincidence? Yeah, it is, but it's not the end of the world, and it's certainly no reason for you to believe that Mike's going to flip out and end your relationship. You're not giving him enough credit if you think he would do something like that, Sydney. He's already demonstrated his willingness to stick by you, come hell or high water, everyone else be damned. I don't think anything could ever change that, not even this."
Sydney raised her head and took a long, appreciative look at Weiss. She was so used to him being the class clown that she'd never realized how comforting and supportive he could be. "Thanks for saying that. In a few years, I might actually believe you," she smiled.
"You *should* believe me," he said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I may not be as, uh, intimately acquainted with Mike as you are, but I know him pretty well, and I've seen his devotion to you up close and personal. Have faith in that, and don't worry about anything else. I just want to make sure, though -- you're not gonna call him and tell him about this, are you?" he asked with concern.
"God no," she breathed. "If I tell him at all, I owe it to him to do it in person."
"Good. Listen, I can't tell you whether you *should* tell him or not, but if you do, he's definitely gonna need you there to comfort him."
"Imagine that -- *me* comforting him for once," she smiled ruefully. "Have you ever heard of anything crazier in your life?"
"Oh, you'd be surprised," Weiss laughed as he pulled her up by the hand and headed for the stairs back to the ops center. "Did I ever tell you about the time Mike and I had to go undercover in a strip club?"
"Weiss, I don't even *want* to hear that story," she half-laughed, half-groaned as she followed him back down the stairs.
*****
Vaughn leaned back in his chair and smiled with satisfaction as his printer printed out the final pages of a seventy-five page report outlining a proposed plan of attack for the destruction of SD-6. The plan began with an untraceable attack on SD-6's bank accounts and finances, continued with a strategy for arresting its most important agents, informants, and assets all over the world, and concluded with a detailed description of a plan for infiltrating Credit Dauphine and capturing Arvin Sloane. Vaughn had been working on the report ever since his arrival at Langley, and he had finished it far ahead of schedule because he'd slaved away on it, enduring a month's worth of early mornings and late nights. Though he had always been dedicated to his job, he'd never worked as hard as he had in the past month, but it had been more than worth all the effort.
His supervising agent had taken notice of his hard work, but the professional rewards to be reaped hardly concerned him. Every minute that he'd spent working on the report had been for Sydney and the future that he desperately wanted to share with her. That was the reason why he had scrutinized every piece of intel, every blueprint, every bank account that had come across his desk, and why he had tirelessly plotted, strategized, and reviewed every means of attacking SD-6's inner workings. All of it had been done for Sydney -- and for himself too, he allowed himself to admit. His work had been driven by more than a little selfish desire to see SD-6 fall, and Sydney's visit had only reminded him why he wanted it so desperately. Now he could spend the next three months reviewing and fine-tuning the plan, as well as assisting his fellow agents who were working on their own plans for destroying the other Alliance cells. Best of all, he knew that there was now a chance that he might be able to return to L.A. -- and Sydney -- weeks earlier than he was scheduled to, and he wanted that more than anything in the world.
He carefully gathered the report from the printer and walked out to place it on his assistant's desk so she could bind it and give it to Director Butler in the morning. As he walked back into his office, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window and smiled. He looked tired but happy and realized that the happiness was a residual effect of Sydney's visit. Even though he missed her terribly, the memories of the past nine days were fresh in his mind, and they had made his long day bearable.
As he thought about her, he sat back down in his chair and stared at the phone, desperately wanting so badly to call her and hear her voice for just a few minutes, but he knew he probably shouldn't. He'd already taken a huge risk by talking with her for so long on the phone the night before; he didn't think it was a good idea to take another risk by calling her now. His head quickly conceded defeat to his heart, however, and as he dialed her number, he reassured himself that security section wouldn't be able to intercept his call.
Twenty-three hundred miles away, Sydney entered her room and plopped down on the edge of her bed, pushing sweat-soaked hair back from her face as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Her muscles were burning, but she felt exhilarated following a long run, and at least the physical pain had taken her mind off of the emotional pain she'd been feeling ever since her talk with her mother. Her chat with Weiss had briefly made her feel better, but as she spent the afternoon at SD-6, making small talk with Dixon, Marshall, and Sloane, she'd found it difficult to focus on anything other than the new revelation about the cruel intersection between hers and Vaughn's lives. She had been able to think of little else for the rest of the day, so when she got home, she'd hastily thrown on her running clothes and set out for an intentionally punishing run, which had helped her shut out all thoughts of Vaughn, her mother, and his father. Now, as she leaned back and closed her eyes, she willed herself not to start thinking about them again, but it was a losing battle. So she was grateful and surprised when her CIA cellphone rang and interrupted her thoughts, though she wondered what on earth Kendall could possibly want at this time of the evening. When she reached over and grabbed the phone from her nightstand, she didn't recognize the number on the caller ID, but her heart jumped when she saw the 703 area code.
"Hello," she answered cautiously.
"Do you have any idea how amazing it is just to hear your voice?"
"Vaughn," she happily sighed as an involuntary smile spread across her face. It lasted for only a moment, though, before it was replaced by a look of concern. She certainly hadn't been expecting to speak to him again so soon after last night. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. Everything's fine. I just had a really long day and I needed to hear your voice," he said as he sank down into his chair. He could almost feel the empty space in his heart being filled now that he was talking to her again. "Are *you* okay? You sound like you just finished a triathlon," he teased.
"I just got back from a run."
"I should've known," he smiled. "How far?"
"Eight miles."
"Eight miles? What's wrong?"
"What do you mean 'what's wrong'?"
"Syd, I know you. When you're upset, you usually take it out on the pavement, but eight miles is kind of extreme, even for you. Did something happen today?"
Sydney closed her eyes and sighed, not wanting to answer his question. What could she say to him? *Yes, honey, something did happen. I found out that the reason my mother killed your father was so the KGB wouldn't kill me. Isn't that an amazing twist of fate?* She wasn't sure if she could ever bring herself to tell Vaughn the truth about the circumstances surrounding his father's death, but she damned sure wasn't going to do it over the phone.
"No, nothing happened. It was just difficult to go back to work and deal with Sloane again." At least that wasn't a total lie, she told herself.
"Yeah, I figured it might be. Are you sure that nothing else is wrong?" he asked, his voice full of quiet concern.
She laughed uneasily. "What else would be wrong, Vaughn?"
"I don't know. I just thought that maybe you saw your mom or maybe your dad was still giving you a hard time about coming here."
"No, he was actually pretty cool about it after the fact, though that may have had something to do with the huge smile on my face this morning."
"Well that's good. What about your mom?" he asked hesitantly. "Did you see her today?"
"Briefly. It was pretty uneventful, though," she lied.
"That's a good thing, right?"
"Yeah, it is." She could only imagine how unconvincing she sounded right now and she hated herself for not being truthful with him, but she just couldn't, not yet. She prayed that when the time came, however, he would be able to forgive her, but she wasn't even sure that she could forgive herself. As the waves of guilt started to overcome her again, she realized that she desperately needed to get off of the phone with him before she completely lost her composure. "Vaughn, listen, I hate to cut this short, but I'm supposed to meet Francie for dinner, and I need to get ready. I'm so sorry," she whispered, apologizing for more than ending their conversation, though he didn't know it.
"Oh no, it's my fault, Syd," he said understandingly. "You should have told me sooner so I wouldn't have taken up so much of your time."
"Vaughn, don't *ever* apologize for taking up my time," she said firmly as tears filled her eyes. Her emotions were all over the place right now, but no matter what, he was still the most important person in her life and she never wanted him to think otherwise. "I'll try to talk you soon, okay?"
"Count on it. I love you, Sydney."
"I know," she breathed. "I love you too, more than anything. You know that, right?" she asked with an urgent tone in her voice.
"Yeah, I know. Listen, take care of yourself -- and stop running so much," he added with a playful laugh.
"I'll try," she said, managing a small laugh. "Bye."
"Bye."
Sydney took a deep breath and covered her mouth to stifle a sob as she hung up the phone. Talking to Vaughn had filled her with indescribable joy and pain -- joy to know that he loved her so much, and pain in the knowledge that he was blissfully unaware that he was in love with the woman whose life had cost him his father's life.
Desperate to numb her pain, she jumped up from the bed and frantically tore her clothes away from her body as she made her way to the bathroom. She turned on the water and watched steam quickly fill the room before she stepped into a scalding hot shower. As she stood underneath the pulsating stream of water, she was grateful that she could no longer distinguish between the hot drops of the shower and the hot tears of shame and guilt rolling down her face.
TBC . . .
Sydney flashed her security badge and the guard at the top of the stairs opened the gate and let her onto the roof. She took a few halting steps forward, transfixed by the sight of her mother stretching and meditating, radiating a sense of utter calm and peace. As Sydney watched, she realized how difficult it was to reconcile this woman with the woman who killed twelve CIA agents and ran her own crime syndicate after abandoning her family. After a few moments of silence, Irina stopped her movements, stood, and turned around.
"Sydney, I knew it was you," she smiled as she looked closely at her daughter. Sydney's face was impassive but Irina could sense that something was troubling her. "How have you been? It's been a while since I last saw you."
"I'm fine. I was away for a while."
"Away? On a mission for Sloane?" Irina asked, her features darkening with a mixture of concern and resentment.
"No, I was gone for personal reasons," Sydney said flatly.
"I hope that nothing's wrong."
"I guess that depends on how you look it." Irina was taken aback by Sydney's clipped toned and the steely look in her eyes. She hadn't seen Sydney look at her that way since the first week after she'd turned herself in to the CIA.
"Do you mind if I ask where you went?"
"Washington. McLean, Virginia to be exact."
Irina's eyes flashed with recognition. "The only thing of any note is McLean is Langley. I thought you said you were gone for personal reasons."
"I was. Vaughn is there; he's working at Langley for the next few months."
"Why?" Irina asked curiously
"I'm not at liberty to tell you that," Sydney said, crossing her arms.
"But it has something to do with SD-6?"
Sydney sighed with annoyance. "I just said that I can't tell you what he's doing. I won't tell you, no matter how many times you ask," she said stonily.
"Fine," Irina snapped, as her voice began to take on an edge of its own. Sydney's obstinacy reminded her so much of herself when she was younger, an observation that filled her with both motherly pride and indignation. "So Agent Vaughn is gone," she said, watching closely as a look of both love and pain flickered across her daughter's face. "Does that have something to do with why you've seemed so unlike yourself for the past few weeks?"
"I miss him," Sydney said quietly, avoiding her mother's penetrating gaze. "Or, I did, until I went to see him. But now that I'm back and he's not, I miss him again."
"I understand." Irina nodded. "It's difficult not to be with the people we love."
Sydney looked back up at her mother with an incredulous glare. "I imagine it's easier when you've *chosen* not to be with them."
"I wouldn't know," Irina barked, matching Sydney's glare with one of her own. She wasn't sure why Sydney was acting so coldly now that they had finally begun to reconnect. "Sydney," she said in a softer tone, "something's obviously upsetting you, but I don't think now is a good time for us to have this conversation."
"You're right," Sydney agreed. "Besides, I didn't come up here to ask you why you abandoned me and dad."
"Then why did you come?"
"Because I need answers from you, answers about Vaughn's father."
Irina's face froze for a moment before she regained her composure. "Sydney, really, you don't want to -- "
"Don't tell me what I want," Sydney cut her off. "When you first came back, you told me that there was a difference between wanting to know something and needing to know. I don't want to know why you killed William Vaughn, Mom. I *need* to know."
"No. No, you don't," Irina said harshly.
"I do," Sydney pleaded, almost on the verge of tears. Irina's chest tightened when saw the pain on her daughter's face, and she was filled with dread. She'd known ever since Vaughn first came to her cell that this conversation with her daughter was inevitable, but she hadn't though that it would come so soon.
"Why?" Irina asked anxiously. "Why do you want to hear this? Why do you need to know and why now? Did something happen while you were with Vaughn?"
"Did something happen? Yes, as a matter of fact, something did happen. For the first time since I've known Vaughn, he started to open up to me about his father. He even took me to his gravesite." Sydney closed her eyes and sighed, remembering how Vaughn had tightly clenched her hand while they were at William's grave, as if he was trying to draw strength from her as he shared his memories of him. "I know it wasn't easy for him to let me in like that, but he did. He made the effort because he knew that it was important to our relationship and because we agreed to stop letting our parents' pasts cloud our future."
"Sydney, I -- "
"That wasn't all," she said quietly. "I met his mother, and she treated me like the daughter she never had. The daughter that she *might've* had if her husband -- and her life -- hadn't been ripped away from her when she wasn't too much older than I am now. She's an amazing woman, and when I told her who I was and what you did to her family, she *still* accepted me because she loves Vaughn so much. I've never met anyone like her before, and I can't imagine how hard it was for her to pick up the pieces of her life after her husband died."
"Sydney," Irina sighed, "It's obvious that you liked and admired Mrs. Vaughn a great deal, but don't make her out to be some kind of martyr. You, of all people, should be able to understand how she resumed her life after losing the man she loved."
Sydney stared at her mother in disbelief. Was she actually trying to downplay the loss that Elise had suffered? "That was completely different," she said emphatically. "Danny and I hadn't even begun to build a life together, and yes, it was hard to drag myself out of bed everyday for almost a year after he died, but that couldn't have been anything compared to what Elise went through. She had to push her own pain aside to take care of Vaughn; she had to look into his face every day and be reminded of what she lost."
"Like your father," Irina said softly.
"Yes, like Dad. But the difference between Dad and Elise, is that while Dad totally withdrew from my life, Elise made Vaughn the center of hers. You should see them, they're so close. They have the kind of relationship that I only wish Dad and I had had while I was growing up. But as wonderful as their relationship is, I could almost see how it was tinged with the sadness and pain of William's death, and it broke my heart. Mom, you know that I love Vaughn, and after a week, I already love his mother too. That's why I need answers from you," Sydney finished, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes.
As Irina stared at her daughter, a flood of emotions ran through her: shame, guilt, and pain, but also resolve and strength. She knew that she couldn't possibly apologize for William Vaughn's death, but she also knew that she wouldn't. Not ever. "Sydney, I know that you've experienced a great deal in your life, but you couldn't begin to understand why I had to do the things that I did, and you're in no position to judge me."
"I'm in no position to judge you for killing twelve CIA agents and god knows how many other foreign agents?" Sydney asked incredulously. "How in the hell can you justify all of the things that you've done?"
"I *can't* justify all of the things that I've done, and I've never tried to. I was blinded by ideology and even though I questioned some of the things that I was ordered to do, I honestly believed that they were for a greater good, that I was doing them in service of my country. You work for the CIA, Sydney, and you spent seven years being deceived by SD-6, thinking that you were doing good when you were doing the exact opposite. You, more than anyone, should be able to understand how I must have felt."
"Don't," Sydney said between clenched teeth. "Don't stand in front of me and tell me that I should be able to understand how you could commit murder for your country. I would never do that for the CIA; I was never even asked to do that for SD-6. So no, Mom, I can't understand how you felt. I know that we do things in this business sometimes that are distasteful and unpleasant, but the only times I've killed have been in self-defense. I've never killed anyone without provocation, and I can't bring myself to shrug off the fact that you have, especially when one of the dead bodies you left in your wake belonged to the father of the man I love."
"Sydney, like I said, I can't justify all of the things that I've done. The first few agents that I killed, I did it without thinking about it, without questioning orders, without letting myself feel anything because I couldn't afford to. But the rest . . ." her voice trailed off and she shut her eyes tightly. "I had no choice," she said firmly. "You couldn't possibly understand."
"Then *make* me understand," Sydney pleaded. Deep inside, she knew that nothing her mother could say would ever satisfy or placate her, but she was desperate for an answer, any answer.
"You *can't* understand, Sydney, because you're not a mother," Irina blurted out.
"What does that mean? What does being a mother have to do with . . ." she gasped and covered her mouth with her hand as the implication of her mother's words suddenly hit her. "Tell me that you didn't -- "
"I did. I had to. They gave me no choice Sydney -- it was either those agents' lives or yours and your father's. There *was* no choice to make. I would have done whatever it took to keep them from harming you and your father, and I won't apologize for that. It's unfortunate that Vaughn and his mother had to suffer as a result of what I did, but it kept my family alive. There's no mother in the world who wouldn't have done what I did."
Sydney suddenly felt as if she'd been kicked in the gut. "You sacrificed William's life for ours?" she cried in anguish. "You're telling me that Vaughn had to lose his father so *I* could live?"
"I tried to tell you that you might not be prepared to hear this, Sydney. You should have listened to me," she said reproachfully. "I know how you feel about Vaughn, and I know how painful this must be, but do you at least understand now? Do you understand why I had to do what I did?" she asked desperately. Sydney looked sickened and devastated and she feared that she may have permanently ruined any chance of rebuilding her relationship with her daughter.
"It doesn't matter if I understand," Sydney shook her head. "How could *Vaughn* ever understand this?" Sydney looked at her mother, desperate for an answer. There were thousands of questions racing through her mind, but the only one that truly mattered was how Vaughn would react to learning this awful truth. They'd been through a lot together, but she wasn't at all sure that their relationship could survive this new revelation. No matter how much he loved her, she knew she couldn't ever ask him to understand the choice her mother had made.
Just as Irina opened her mouth to speak again, the guards approached them, signaling that her fifteen minutes outside were over. Mother and daughter looked at each other in anguish, knowing that their conversation was coming to a premature end, and that so many lingering questions remained between them.
Irina reached out to place a comforting hand on Sydney's shoulder, but drew it back when she saw the guards tightening their grips on their weapons. "Sydney, I don't have an answer for that question, but he loves you. He will understand."
Sydney couldn't bring herself to watch as the guards escorted her mother from the roof. Even worse than that, she couldn't bring herself to believe her mother's assurances about Vaughn.
*****
"Sydney . . . Earth to Sydney."
Sydney turned around, startled when she felt a light hand on her shoulder. "Weiss," she said, forcing her voice to sound normal. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were up here."
"I noticed. Jake Myers told me that you'd been up here ever since they took your mother back to her cell. Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with concern.
"Never better. I was just taking advantage of the fresh air," she said with forced cheerfulness, fidgeting nervously as Weiss closely studied her.
"Sydney, for a spy you can be a really bad liar sometimes. What's wrong?" he asked, facing her as he took a seat on the edge of the concrete wall along the roof.
"Nothing," she said, avoiding his stare. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine," he shook his head. "You're obviously upset about something and it's my job to find out what it is."
"Since when?" she asked more defensively than she'd meant to. The only person whose job that had been was Vaughn's, and she wasn't sure that she trusted anyone else to do it.
"Ever since Frenchy left. He's my best friend, and the one thing he asked me to do was to keep an eye on you and make sure that you were okay."
Of course he had. "He's so overprotective sometimes," Sydney smiled ruefully. "I think that might be what I love about him the most."
"It's because he loves you. You're all he cares about, and he'd kick my ass if he found out that I wasn't taking care of you."
"No, he wouldn't."
"Yeah, he would. He tends to get a little irrational where you're concerned," Weiss smiled. "So seriously, what's wrong? Did your mom upset you?"
She sighed deeply. She wasn't sure that she should tell Weiss about her conversation with her mother, but she felt like she desperately needed to tell someone, and Vaughn, her father, and Dr. Barnett were out of the question. "I did something really stupid," she said quietly. "I made the mistake of asking her why she killed his father. I thought that I needed to know, but now I wish I didn't." She choked back a sob and buried her face in her hands as her mother's words echoed in her mind.
"Hey, come here," Weiss soothed as he stood up and hugged her sympathetically. "It's obvious that whatever she said upset you, but it'll be okay." He held her for a few minutes until she stopped sniffling and when he sat back down, he pulled her hand until she sat next to him.
"I don't think it can ever be okay," she whispered. "A week ago, I was so ridiculously happy. I was with Vaughn and was the first time that I really felt like a part of his life, like more than just a secret he was keeping, and it was the first time that I got to see him as just Michael, without all the CIA stuff going on. But best of all, it was the first time that he and I really let down our guard with each other and talked about our parents. I was feeling really guilty about what my mother did to his father, but he told me that I didn't have to."
"And he was right. It's not your fault, Sydney. It never was."
"I wanted to believe that. You have no idea how much I wanted to believe that, how much I wanted to let go of all the guilt I've been carrying around. I was finally ready to do that and I thought that if I talked to my mom and listened to her explain her reasons for killing his father, that I'd finally be able to accept that I wasn't responsible for her actions and that I'd be able to let it go. But now . . ." Her voice trailed off as a fresh set of tears sprang to her eyes. "How do you think Vaughn would react to finding out that his father's life was sacrificed for mine?"
"Wait, what are you . . . are you saying that -- "
Sydney nodded mournfully. "She told me that the reason she killed his father was because her superiors threatened to kill me and my father if she didn't carry out her orders. She killed him because of me. How could Vaughn ever look at me again knowing that?"
"I don't think he's going to have a problem looking at you, Sydney. He never has before," he smiled, trying to cheer her up.
"Weiss," she hiccuped. "Stop trying to make me laugh. This is serious."
"Only because you're making it that way. You just said that Mike told you it was time to let go of the guilt, right? So what, all it took was a few words from your mother to make you forget that?" he asked gently. "Listen, I know that right now this seems like the most devastating thing you could have found out, but honestly, it's not. The guilt you're feeling isn't going to bring Mike's father back, and it's also not going to change how he feels about you. Is it a crazy, horrible coincidence? Yeah, it is, but it's not the end of the world, and it's certainly no reason for you to believe that Mike's going to flip out and end your relationship. You're not giving him enough credit if you think he would do something like that, Sydney. He's already demonstrated his willingness to stick by you, come hell or high water, everyone else be damned. I don't think anything could ever change that, not even this."
Sydney raised her head and took a long, appreciative look at Weiss. She was so used to him being the class clown that she'd never realized how comforting and supportive he could be. "Thanks for saying that. In a few years, I might actually believe you," she smiled.
"You *should* believe me," he said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I may not be as, uh, intimately acquainted with Mike as you are, but I know him pretty well, and I've seen his devotion to you up close and personal. Have faith in that, and don't worry about anything else. I just want to make sure, though -- you're not gonna call him and tell him about this, are you?" he asked with concern.
"God no," she breathed. "If I tell him at all, I owe it to him to do it in person."
"Good. Listen, I can't tell you whether you *should* tell him or not, but if you do, he's definitely gonna need you there to comfort him."
"Imagine that -- *me* comforting him for once," she smiled ruefully. "Have you ever heard of anything crazier in your life?"
"Oh, you'd be surprised," Weiss laughed as he pulled her up by the hand and headed for the stairs back to the ops center. "Did I ever tell you about the time Mike and I had to go undercover in a strip club?"
"Weiss, I don't even *want* to hear that story," she half-laughed, half-groaned as she followed him back down the stairs.
*****
Vaughn leaned back in his chair and smiled with satisfaction as his printer printed out the final pages of a seventy-five page report outlining a proposed plan of attack for the destruction of SD-6. The plan began with an untraceable attack on SD-6's bank accounts and finances, continued with a strategy for arresting its most important agents, informants, and assets all over the world, and concluded with a detailed description of a plan for infiltrating Credit Dauphine and capturing Arvin Sloane. Vaughn had been working on the report ever since his arrival at Langley, and he had finished it far ahead of schedule because he'd slaved away on it, enduring a month's worth of early mornings and late nights. Though he had always been dedicated to his job, he'd never worked as hard as he had in the past month, but it had been more than worth all the effort.
His supervising agent had taken notice of his hard work, but the professional rewards to be reaped hardly concerned him. Every minute that he'd spent working on the report had been for Sydney and the future that he desperately wanted to share with her. That was the reason why he had scrutinized every piece of intel, every blueprint, every bank account that had come across his desk, and why he had tirelessly plotted, strategized, and reviewed every means of attacking SD-6's inner workings. All of it had been done for Sydney -- and for himself too, he allowed himself to admit. His work had been driven by more than a little selfish desire to see SD-6 fall, and Sydney's visit had only reminded him why he wanted it so desperately. Now he could spend the next three months reviewing and fine-tuning the plan, as well as assisting his fellow agents who were working on their own plans for destroying the other Alliance cells. Best of all, he knew that there was now a chance that he might be able to return to L.A. -- and Sydney -- weeks earlier than he was scheduled to, and he wanted that more than anything in the world.
He carefully gathered the report from the printer and walked out to place it on his assistant's desk so she could bind it and give it to Director Butler in the morning. As he walked back into his office, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window and smiled. He looked tired but happy and realized that the happiness was a residual effect of Sydney's visit. Even though he missed her terribly, the memories of the past nine days were fresh in his mind, and they had made his long day bearable.
As he thought about her, he sat back down in his chair and stared at the phone, desperately wanting so badly to call her and hear her voice for just a few minutes, but he knew he probably shouldn't. He'd already taken a huge risk by talking with her for so long on the phone the night before; he didn't think it was a good idea to take another risk by calling her now. His head quickly conceded defeat to his heart, however, and as he dialed her number, he reassured himself that security section wouldn't be able to intercept his call.
Twenty-three hundred miles away, Sydney entered her room and plopped down on the edge of her bed, pushing sweat-soaked hair back from her face as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Her muscles were burning, but she felt exhilarated following a long run, and at least the physical pain had taken her mind off of the emotional pain she'd been feeling ever since her talk with her mother. Her chat with Weiss had briefly made her feel better, but as she spent the afternoon at SD-6, making small talk with Dixon, Marshall, and Sloane, she'd found it difficult to focus on anything other than the new revelation about the cruel intersection between hers and Vaughn's lives. She had been able to think of little else for the rest of the day, so when she got home, she'd hastily thrown on her running clothes and set out for an intentionally punishing run, which had helped her shut out all thoughts of Vaughn, her mother, and his father. Now, as she leaned back and closed her eyes, she willed herself not to start thinking about them again, but it was a losing battle. So she was grateful and surprised when her CIA cellphone rang and interrupted her thoughts, though she wondered what on earth Kendall could possibly want at this time of the evening. When she reached over and grabbed the phone from her nightstand, she didn't recognize the number on the caller ID, but her heart jumped when she saw the 703 area code.
"Hello," she answered cautiously.
"Do you have any idea how amazing it is just to hear your voice?"
"Vaughn," she happily sighed as an involuntary smile spread across her face. It lasted for only a moment, though, before it was replaced by a look of concern. She certainly hadn't been expecting to speak to him again so soon after last night. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah. Everything's fine. I just had a really long day and I needed to hear your voice," he said as he sank down into his chair. He could almost feel the empty space in his heart being filled now that he was talking to her again. "Are *you* okay? You sound like you just finished a triathlon," he teased.
"I just got back from a run."
"I should've known," he smiled. "How far?"
"Eight miles."
"Eight miles? What's wrong?"
"What do you mean 'what's wrong'?"
"Syd, I know you. When you're upset, you usually take it out on the pavement, but eight miles is kind of extreme, even for you. Did something happen today?"
Sydney closed her eyes and sighed, not wanting to answer his question. What could she say to him? *Yes, honey, something did happen. I found out that the reason my mother killed your father was so the KGB wouldn't kill me. Isn't that an amazing twist of fate?* She wasn't sure if she could ever bring herself to tell Vaughn the truth about the circumstances surrounding his father's death, but she damned sure wasn't going to do it over the phone.
"No, nothing happened. It was just difficult to go back to work and deal with Sloane again." At least that wasn't a total lie, she told herself.
"Yeah, I figured it might be. Are you sure that nothing else is wrong?" he asked, his voice full of quiet concern.
She laughed uneasily. "What else would be wrong, Vaughn?"
"I don't know. I just thought that maybe you saw your mom or maybe your dad was still giving you a hard time about coming here."
"No, he was actually pretty cool about it after the fact, though that may have had something to do with the huge smile on my face this morning."
"Well that's good. What about your mom?" he asked hesitantly. "Did you see her today?"
"Briefly. It was pretty uneventful, though," she lied.
"That's a good thing, right?"
"Yeah, it is." She could only imagine how unconvincing she sounded right now and she hated herself for not being truthful with him, but she just couldn't, not yet. She prayed that when the time came, however, he would be able to forgive her, but she wasn't even sure that she could forgive herself. As the waves of guilt started to overcome her again, she realized that she desperately needed to get off of the phone with him before she completely lost her composure. "Vaughn, listen, I hate to cut this short, but I'm supposed to meet Francie for dinner, and I need to get ready. I'm so sorry," she whispered, apologizing for more than ending their conversation, though he didn't know it.
"Oh no, it's my fault, Syd," he said understandingly. "You should have told me sooner so I wouldn't have taken up so much of your time."
"Vaughn, don't *ever* apologize for taking up my time," she said firmly as tears filled her eyes. Her emotions were all over the place right now, but no matter what, he was still the most important person in her life and she never wanted him to think otherwise. "I'll try to talk you soon, okay?"
"Count on it. I love you, Sydney."
"I know," she breathed. "I love you too, more than anything. You know that, right?" she asked with an urgent tone in her voice.
"Yeah, I know. Listen, take care of yourself -- and stop running so much," he added with a playful laugh.
"I'll try," she said, managing a small laugh. "Bye."
"Bye."
Sydney took a deep breath and covered her mouth to stifle a sob as she hung up the phone. Talking to Vaughn had filled her with indescribable joy and pain -- joy to know that he loved her so much, and pain in the knowledge that he was blissfully unaware that he was in love with the woman whose life had cost him his father's life.
Desperate to numb her pain, she jumped up from the bed and frantically tore her clothes away from her body as she made her way to the bathroom. She turned on the water and watched steam quickly fill the room before she stepped into a scalding hot shower. As she stood underneath the pulsating stream of water, she was grateful that she could no longer distinguish between the hot drops of the shower and the hot tears of shame and guilt rolling down her face.
TBC . . .