"I will raise you a farthing's worth of Longbottom Leaf, " said Aragorn cautiously.
Merry, after taking a swig of ale, was more confident. "Call, and raise you a full pouch of Old Toby."
"Ho ho! We might as well not beat around the bush, gentlemen? I will see your bet, and raise a whole kilo of Southern Star!"
"Pippin, you nut!" exclaimed Sam. "I fold."
"I fear I must fold," said Frodo.
"Fold," grunted Gimli.
"Call, and raise a barrel of, um, something."
"A barrel!"
"Legolas, that is your entire supply of weed!"
"I do not care for the stuff, and all of your incessant smoking makes me ill, so why must I let this continue overlong? If you should call my bet this game will end all the sooner and I can leave the foul air of this room."
"Well, I refuse to play for such ungentlemanly interests. I fold!"
"Fold."
"Fold."
"It appears that Legolas has won, then."
"What a pity that ploy did not work," the Elf murmured, gathering up his winnings with a sigh.
"Are you certain that you are not like a certain wizard who smoked in secret, Master Elf?"
"Quite certain, Master Dwarf. You may search my dwelling, or lay waste to it as was done to Isengard, and you will find no similar hoard of pipe-weed to 'liberate' and transport back home for your personal store."
"There are perks to being a king" stated Aragorn blandly.
"Shall we play another round?" queried Frodo.
"Wait, we would like to see Legolas' cards first," Pippin declared, but the Elf had already begun shuffling his hand into the deck.
"I think," said Aragorn shrewdly "that our dear Elf is not the poker virgin that he pretends to be. You must have played the game sometime in the last two thousand years!"
"Speaking of virgins," said Legolas, ignoring the insinuations about his suspicious poker skills and starting to deal out a new hand, "how are you getting on with Arwen?"
Aragorn coloured as every face in the room swiveled toward him expectantly.
"I…that is…"
"No need to be shy, Your Highness!"
"A man must boast after acquiring a wife such as yours, even if she did make you wait seventy years."
"Is she good in bed?"
"Pippin!"
"Well, is she?"
"I imagine not," said Legolas casually.
Every head in the room, including Aragorn's, swung around to stare curiously at the Elf.
"Why do you say that, Legolas?"
"Is it an Elvish thing?"
"It is," answered Legolas, and Aragorn tensed with dread, thinking of his wife. "Elves, you see…they do not take pleasure in lovemaking."
All around the table, hobbits and dwarf and man gasped in sympathetic unison, though Aragorn's gasp had a choking aspect to it. He stared dumbly at Legolas' calm expression.
"That is dreadful, lad." Gimli shook his head sadly.
"I am so sorry for your loss," said Merry, patting Legolas on the shoulder comfortingly.
Pippin snorted ungracefully. "As if you have any experience in this manner!"
"I do!" retorted Merry, glaring at the younger hobbit. "Fool of a Took! Do not meddle in the affairs of mature hobbits, for they are subtle and-"
"Very hairy," said Frodo unexpectedly, inspiring a long fit of snickering and jokes about hobbit bedroom practices.
Aragorn avoided getting the giggles, however, because he was too busy having a panic attack. He said loudly, "To return to our topic-"
"Which was…?"
"Hairy hobbits?"
"No, I think it was Elves."
"Hairy Elves?"
"No, deprived Elves."
This led to another session of patting Legolas on the back and offering heartfelt words of consolation, none of which moved Aragorn any closer to his goal.
"We were talking about ME!" he shouted and wished he hadn't, because the odd swiveling heads effect again resulted in a lot of faces staring him down unnervingly
"Oh yes, we were talking about your love life, or lack thereof, were we not?"
"Details! Give us details! Please, Aragorn, we absolutely must know!" Pippin simpered, eliciting more sniggers.
"Legolas," addressed Aragorn, deciding to avoid the giggling fools and go for the best source of information directly, "You say that Elves care not for lovemaking? Is this true?"
"I am afraid it is," said the Elf gravely.
Aragorn could feel his face go numb. "But surely, she is centuries old, she must know something about what men and women do in the bedroom…like you and your two thousand years experience with poker! She must know something! Why did she not tell me about this?" he sputtered.
"Aragorn, are you having trouble with Arwen…?" Gimli inquired delicately.
Thankfully, Aragorn did not have to answer that question in words, for at that moment, Arwen herself stormed into the musty storeroom the Fellowship had turned into an improvised gambling hall. Taking in the sight of the playing cards and the smoke and the flagons of ale and the opened barrels of pipe-weed with distaste, she fixed her piercing, venomous gaze on her husband and uttered in a terrible voice:
"What are you doing?"
Aragorn was reduced to a gibbering wreck.
"Er, ah, nothing, yes, only sitting around and having a talk about our adventures not playing poker or smoking at all, ha ha, and reminiscing about the good old times and-"
"Wasting your time," Arwen cut in wrathfully. She grabbed Aragorn's hood (he had been wearing his old Ranger clothes for the occasion) with a lightning-fast movement that made Legolas jealous (though we would not admit it) and dragged the king of Gondor out of the storeroom on his behind, kicking over a tub of pipe-weed for good measure. And then they were gone.
Amid the stunned silence, Gimli whispered, "I guess that answered my question."
"Oh yes," said Merry and Pippin together.
"It was very…" began Frodo.
"Interesting," finished Sam.
"Yes, it was," spoke Legolas. "And it will be."
Author's note: This was a rather different episode, because it focused on the Fellowship, but male bonding is an important part of marriage, right? Right? Even if this is a pretty tame male bonding session, but this is LotR, and I don't think they have football games and strippers yet. And where is Gandalf, you ask? Off doing something suspicious with Galadriel, methinks. No one knows whither the Grey Pilgrim wanders.
Anyhoo, I've tried to drop some not-so-subtle hints that something is amiss in this male-bonding session. The trickster will be revealed in the next chapter! Isn't it exciting? …What do you mean you already know who it is? Bah humbug!