Aragorn was perturbed.
Ever since he'd learned from Legolas that elves have no inclination toward lovemaking, Aragorn had begun to doubt that his marriage with Arwen was as idyllic as he had supposed it to be. While he was certain that Arwen would (eventually) oblige him whenever his desire was too great, he was less certain she would continue to do so for the next hundred or so years, especially when he started to become old and wrinkly. Aragorn did not doubt her generosity, of course, but putting out all the time when uninterested could be very tedious, he knew. That time with Eowyn, for example--
Thankfully, Aragorn was unable to complete that thought because, at that moment, Arwen waltzed into the bedroom and sat herself in her favorite spot--in front of the vanity.
"Dearest, would you be so kind as to polish this mirror for me," she asked, examining her reflection suspiciously. "There is a blemish upon it that is most unnerving. It makes my face appear almost imperfect!"
Aragorn moved as if to wipe the imaginary spot away, but stopped suddenly. Here he was, all flustered and obviously upset, and yet Arwen heeded him not! He began to feel, for the first time, anger toward his lady. He took a trembling breath and answered heatedly, "No, I will…I will not polish your mirror! Why must I trail after you, my wife, who gives me naught but cold refusals?"
Arwen turned from her reflection and stared at him in amazement.
"In fact," he said, heating up with confidence, "why did you marry me at all if you are willing to give me nothing? Does not a wife own a duty toward her husband?"
Arwen stood and began gliding toward him silkily. Aragorn, slightly intimidated but resolute, continued on the road to imminent doom. Desperation drives men to great lengths, after all.
"And worst of all, you deceived me! You let me pursue you for years uncountable, you let me risk my life saving Middle Earth for you, you let me marry you, and yet you never told me that Elves are averse to lovemaking!"
Aragorn heaved with fury, his eyes grey stormclouds, while Arwen drew near to him. She brought her face close to his; her breath was very warm.
"Now where," she breathed, leaning into him, "where did you get the idea that Elves care not for the delights of the bedroom?"
Aragorn's eyes grew very wide. "Legolas said so," he managed to squeak.
"Interesting," she murmured, grabbing hold of his tunic. "You are quite alluring when you are inflamed, did you know?"
He barely dared to hope. "So then, you want to…?"
"Very much," she replied, reaching downwards.
"Oh," was all he could say. "OOooohh…"
Aragorn was no longer perturbed.
"That was very good," he mumbled to the lovely creature in his arms.
"Naturally," she replied, sighing contentedly. Then she fell silent for a long moment, and Aragorn decided now would be a good time to sleep, as he could not perform again tonight.
But just as he was drowsing off, Arwen suddenly said, "So Legolas had you thinking Elves have no taste for lovemaking?"
"Mm hmm."
"How easily taken you are," she laughed softly, trailing her arm up his chest. "Elves are actually quite uninhibited, even to the point that most of us will bed both males and females."
Aragorn suddenly did not feel tired at all. "What did you say?"
"Most Elves find both sexes attractive."
"A Elbereth," he muttered darkly, "no wonder Legolas would watch me as I bathed myself in the river." Then a more intriguing thought hit him. He stared at Arwen as if seeing her anew and gasped, "Do you, then, like women in that way?"
"Of course. Women are much prettier than men."
"Would you be averse to another woman joining us?"
"Not at all."
"Yes!" exclaimed Aragorn, feeling as if he had scored a point for males everywhere. "You have made me so happy, darling…now who should the third be? It is a pity that Eowyn is married--"
"Eowyn!" said Arwen sharply.
"Oops."
"I thought you wanted nothing to do with that horse wench!"
"You misheard me, I said, er, Eothain--"
"I know what I heard, you said Eowyn!" she screeched, beating him wrathfully with a pillow. "Get out! Get out before I turn you into something unnatural!"
Aragorn, being a love-sick fool but not an idiot, got out just in time to avoid the flying kerosene lamp.
Author's Notes:
Well, isn't this an odd episode. Not very funny, perhaps, and I had to up the rating because of the implicit sex, but I figured Aragorn could use a break, however short it is. Now I have to think up some wicked Arwen vengeance…