DISCLAIMER: I do not own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball GT
I definetly do not own Bridget Jones's Diary, written by Helen Fielding
This is based on the missing three years… OF COURSE… as usual… anyway. Hope you like it. READ AND REVIEW
Bulma Briefs's Diary
Chapter 5
April
Requiem for my social life
1 April
117 lbs. Alcohol units: 4 (Bloody Mary, more Mary than Bloody). Cigarettes: 12. Calories: 503. Positive thoughts: 3472. Thoughts about ex – boyfriend: 17
Decided to make a new start, no longer the sad–extremely–pathetic–men–dependant woman.
7.00 a.m.: Woke up early to freshen up and look radiant.
8.00 a.m.: Regretting waking up so early.
9.00 a.m.: Helped Mum make breakfast. Received a thousand compliments from Dad about the way I looked. Vegeta stood in front of me and kept staring.
- What is it, Vegeta?
He just smirked.
10.00 a.m.: These high heels are killing me.
11 a.m.: Maybe I'm not meant to be a highly sophisticated woman.
11.05 a.m.: I AM a highly sophisticated woman.
4.00 p.m.: Out of the blue I received a phone call from Yumi Katchan. Probably convinced by Mum.
Apparently, I'm having dinner with her and her husband.
6.30 p.m.: Getting ready for dinner. Have to look my best to prove I'm a strong men-free woman.
6.45 p.m.: Just received another phone call from Yumi. Only one thing can be worse than having dinner with a smug-married couple. That is having dinner with lots of smug-married couples.
Oh… I don't want to go.
11.45 p.m.: That was awful. After my mother talked me into going (in a very unorthodox way) I left for smug-married couples dinner.
It was not good.
Actually, it was horrible.
By the time I got to Yumi Katchan's, everybody was already there, waving at me.
They were all dull. Very dull.
The fact that we are all in our thirties doesn't mean we have to live boring lives. It doesn't mean we women should knit sweaters while our husbands sit on the front porch, carving little pieces of wood watching our kids plaing in the front lawn.
Unfortunately, I was seated on the head of the table, everyone looking at me as I smiled nervously.
All through dinner, conversation spun around their honeymoons, mini-breaks and changing diapers.
Then, Yumi decided to focus attention on me.
I think it was kindly meant, but it had devastating effects.
- Tell me, Bulma. Are you dating anyone? – Said one of the smug-married wives.
- You know about Bulma's latest project? – Yumi said, obviously trying to change the subject (Mum had obviously informed her about my current marital status).
- Yeah… - said the woman matter-of-factly – But I think I saw a picture of you and your baseball-player boyfriend in a magazine a while ago…
I had to answer… It was not the end of the world… It didn't mean I was a loser…
- Uh, I… Actually… I'm not with anyone at the moment…
- Oh, well, - said Yumi Katchan's husband in a boisterous way – Tell me, Bulma… Why is it there are some many unmarried women in their thirties? Fine, beautiful women that can't seem to hold on to their men…
I smiled nervously, mentally counting how many marriages ended up in divorce, and which of the smug married couples would be divorced by the end of the year, and thinking of Vegeta blasting all their asses to oblivion.
- I… Well…
- Coffee? Anyone? – Said Yumi shoving a cup of coffee to her husband.
Arg! I made a complete fool of myself! Me! The smartest person on Earth!
Soon I excused myself with early work and headed to the door.
Yumi followed me, smiling sympathetically.
- It's been nice to see you, Bulma. I'll give you a call next week. Maybe we can have lunch or something… Maybe dinner with many married couples was not a good idea…
DUH!
Yumi Katchan seems like a nice girl, though.
5 April
116 lbs. Alcohol units: 5 (slowly becoming a Bloody Mary fan). Cigarettes: 12. Calories: 477. Phone calls made: 11 (busy morning).
9.00 a.m. CC offices. My office: Arrived really early. My secretary almost dropped dead when she saw me.
Paperwork was a mess.
10.00 a.m.: Had tons of coffee to keep me awake.
11.00 a.m.: Decided to quit smoking soon.
4.00 p.m.: Disastrous meeting with the board. They just bugged me for not showing my face these last months. I just exploded. Don't these guys understand I have a life outside capsules?
7.30 p.m. CC. Kitchen: Couldn't wait to get home and take it easy.
Vegeta was in one of his moods.
- Where the hell have you been all day? – He asked me.
- Working, Vegeta. Did you miss me?
- Of course I missed your bossing me around all day, bitching me about everything, cooking disgusting food, your unstopping sobs and your psychotic attacks… - he said, sarcasm in each of his words.
I threw a shoe to him.
I must have caught him off guard cause the shoe hit him right on the forehead. He didn't move, though.
He touched his forehead and gave me one of his I-am-going-to-kill-you-right-now-you-fucking-bitch glances.
He grabbed my red high-heeled shoe and melted it right in front of my face.
- Hey! That was one fucking expensive shoe! – I said, flipping out.
- And I am the Prince of all Saiyans, you fucking wench!
I wasn't in the mood for a real verbal spar, so I just took off the remaining shoe and put it on the table.
- Here. What would I do with just one shoe? I can afford a new pair. If you want, melt this one too – I said, frankly fed up with these useless arguments, and really too tired to throw the other shoe to his face.
He just looked at me.
- Have you seen my Mum? – I asked.
He shook his head.
- I'm going to have a bath. Would you tell her I'm here if you see her, please?
He didn't answer this time. He just stared at the shoe.
8.00 p.m. CC. My room: I went down for dinner and caught Vegeta still siting at the table, staring at the offending shoe.
- What are you doing? Aren't you going to melt it?
He shook his head again.
- Why not?
- It's no use. You won't get pissed if I do…
- Oh…
WACKO! That was a strange conversation. My mother finally took the shoe to add it to her "One High Heel Shoes collection". No comments on that.
11.30 p.m.: Haven't thought about Yamucha at all.
11.31 p.m.: Ouch!
16 April
115 lbs. Alcohol units: 5 (Bloody Mary for breakfast). Cigarettes: none (plan to quit today). Calories: 719. Shopping bags: 43
11.00 a.m.: Received a phone call from Yumi Katchan. She invited me to have lunch tomorrow. I accepted.
3.00 p.m.: Just flushed all my cigarettes down the toilet. Hurrah!
4.00 p.m.: Just returned. I had to go buy cigarettes. Someone flushed them all down the toilet.
8.30 p.m.: My parents have left again for a short holiday ("short" they say…). Have to phone Yumi to postpone our lunch. I have to stay home… For my house's sake.
Phoned to the office and informed I'd be working at home for a couple of… weeks?
9.00 p.m.: Finally found Yumi at home.
- Oh, Bulma! Hi! I'm looking forward to tomorrow's lunch.
- Uh… About that, I don't thing I can make it…
- Oh – she said disappointed – I really wanted to see you.
- Oh… well…- I said, 4 Zillion thoughts raced in my head about a possible love proposal from her.
- You see… I'm having problems with my husband… I really need someone to talk to…
- What about all those smu… eeeerrr… ladies… married… couple… The other night… at… house… - I babbled stupidly… I had almost slipped.
- Well… They are nice… But they have their own busy lives… Kids… You know… I get really lonely sometimes.
Well… She was obviously saying "You don't have a life, you can help me…" But I was actually feeling bad despite the fact I wasn't lying.
I ended up inviting her to have lunch at my house.
- But I thought you were busy tomorrow, Bulma…
- I'll explain tomorrow…
I hanged the phone, thinking about what I was doing… Could this be a good idea?…
I don't think so.
17 April
115 lbs. Alcohol units: 10 (Please Kami, burn them off before lunch!). Cigarettes: 27. Negative thoughts: 2.419
Woke up early to please Vegeta. I really don't want any verbal spar today.
Noon. CC. Kitchen: Finished cooking and set the table in the garden. Told Vegeta I had a guest for lunch and that I'd leave his food on the kitchen table.
- Who's coming?
- It's none of your business…
- Replaced the desert-rat so soon?
- It's a girlfriend, if you should know… I'm not replacing Yamucha.
He just "humphed". I sat on a chair and took a deep breath.
- Vegeta, would you please do me a favour…?
- No
- Pleaseeee?
- What the fuck is it…?
- Can you please, please behave today? Please! My friend is a very important person… and I want to keep her friendship… Would you please not blow anything up or destroy anything during our lunch?
- You can't boss me around… - He said, turning his back to me and leaving me alone.
Well. At least I tried…
4.00 p.m.: Well… let me tell you, Yumi is one troubled woman. She's really having problems with her husband. Apparently, her husband is a commitment-phobic who dated her for years and years, not a single proposal in sight (having a little deja-vu).
Until one day, her mother decided to butt in (she mysteriously behaves just like my Mum) and organised a surprise wedding for them (how weird can that be?). Yumi's husband passed out because of the shock and woke to find himself married.
(Mum, don't you dare!!!!!!!…)
After an hour of her sobbing on my shoulder (making me extremely uncomfortable), we started talking about the past and New Year's parties we had both been to.
- But you disappeared for a while… A long while – She said.
- Well… Eeehh…
How do you explain to someone who does not belong to your circle you had been searching for something called Dragon Balls, met a tailed alien and watched him defeat uncountable bad guys?
How do you explain you've been to another planet, almost get blown up by a hermaphrodite, returned with a bunch of green aliens and a mass-murderer?
How do you explain the mass-murderer is actually staying at your place 'cause you invited him and that your boyfriend, who had actually been killed by the violent monkey-shaped-murderer, is alive again…?
Ugh… I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT MYSELF.
- I really don't like parties… - I said stupidly.
- Bulma? Why couldn't you have lunch today?
- We did have lunch – I said in a sheepishly tone, trying to avoid the subject.
- Bulma?
- Ah… eeerrr… I had to watch over my house.
- Huh? – She said. Of course she said that! What kind of stupid excuse was that?
- You see… I have a… uhm… guest… Someone who has been staying here for some months now… My parents are on holiday and I have to keep my house from… destruction… (Literally)
- I don't think I understand…
- He's a man… (I think) My father is kinda experimenting on him… - I couldn't tell her 'bout the androids… she would freak out- My father is doing some research on him and has to watch him training and stuff… Cause he's really… strong… (That wasn't very scientific, was it?)
- I'm no lab rat- said someone behind us.
Vegeta was standing there, dressed in his yellow pants and pink shirt.
- Yumi… this is Vegeta… - I said, sweating badly, almost breathless.
Yumi offered her hand. Vegeta just stared at her.
- Woman – he said to me, deliberately ignoring her – Your air-headed mother phoned. She said she'd be back in a couple of weeks or so.
- Uh… ehrr… Thanks Vegeta.
He just humphed.
- I need more robots. The ones you made last time were lame.
- You destroyed them all?
He stood still, smirking. Then he slowly turned around, leaving us in a very dramatic way.
- Sorry, Yumi. He doesn't like strangers.
- Is he human? – She said in astonishment (drooling, possibly)
- Sure – I said. Hate lying… Uh… Alright… I don't hate lying; I quite enjoy it actually.
- He's scary…
- Not really…
- He's cute…
- You don't know him… He needs constant attention. He's like a kid who keeps breaking his toys…
- And yet…
- What?
- Nothing – she said – I really should be going home. The babysitter must be getting nervous…
- Babysitter?
- Yes… I have a little baby-boy. Didn't you know?
After thanking me a thousand times, she left.
I went to the kitchen to put all plates in the dishwasher and found Vegeta there.
- Is she gone?
I nodded. He was in his training outfit again.
- I thought you were done with your training for the day… You were all dressed up before…
- You begged me to behave… Besides, you should know by now I'm never done with training…
After that… he just left.
And once more, I just stood there in utter confusion.
Had he dressed up because I had asked him to behave?
5.00 p.m. CC. My bedroom: This man is a riddle…
6.00 p.m. CC. Kitchen: Came down for a little snack and a cigarette. The house is so silent without Mum… Maybe I just should phone Chi Chi.
6.05 p.m.: There's no way I'm phoning Chi Chi. The woman is a basket case. I can easily predict what we would talk about:
- Hey Chi Chi, it's Bulma.
- Hello Bulma, I can't talk right now. I'm terribly busy. Goku and that horrible Piccolo are outside, beating my poor Gohan up. He hasn't even touch his books in weeks. I don't know what to do…
- Chi Chi… Uh…
- … And if he doesn't study now, he will become a rebel. If he becomes a rebel, he won't do well in high school, if he doesn't make it through high school, he won't go to University. If he doesn't go to University, he won't find a decent job and he would end up unemployed!!
- Chi Chi…
- UNEMPLOYED! A REBEL… A HIPPIE!.. Oh Kami, what will I do?
- Uh… Have to go Chi Chi… Wacko…
I'm not in the mood for one of her "My-soon-to-be-a-huge-hippie-son" monologues.
18 April
114 lbs. Alcohol units: none. Cigarettes: 25. Calories: 701
Bad, Bad day. Been thinking all day 'bout smug-married couples and those fucking androids.
This is what I am:
Beautiful unmarried woman in her thirties, with no boyfriend and no possibilities to get one. Still living with my parents, I have successful career but no social life, slaved all day by a half-naked spiky-haired full-of-muscles Saiyan alien.
What if Goku fails to destroy the androids? What if only I survive? What if…?
I shouldn't have dumped Yamucha. Why didn't I stick to my plan, married him and got pregnant?
I miss him. I really do. Is he a commitment-phobic or plain stupid?
What I learnt from Yumi Katchan and her smug-married friends is that most people my age are settled by now.
Having different problems than mine. Their world spin around their kids, not hairstyles or outfits… Sometimes I'm so childish… But…
Would I be happy if I settled? Could I be a devoted wife and mother? Could I talk about changing diapers during social events? Could I become a smug-married wife?
What if there is no time for me to plan my future?
I can hear my biological clock tick-tocking… and I can hear the real life clock tick-tocking, telling me there might be no time for my friends or me.
11.30 p.m. CC. My bedroom: After creeping round the house all day in a depressed state, I sat in the living room to watch T.V.
- You really look even more hideous than usual – Vegeta said, sitting next to me, a can of soda in his hand.
Will he kill us? Once he has defeated Goku, would Vegeta kill us all? Would he kill me?… Sure he will… Or not?
- Quit staring at me, woman!
- …
23 April
117 lbs. Alcohol units: 31 (!!!!). Cigarettes: 74 (Aw, Kami). Calories: 509 (Kinda explains why I feel so dizzy…)
After being terribly depressed for several days, decided to change my routine. Didn't make much progress, though.
Miss Yamucha and I don't want to be the only survivor!
Really miss Yamucha.
Vegeta's been avoiding me. I guess I make him nervous. Have I found his weakness?
Note to self: Bug Vegeta all day and take notes non every single reaction (Good project!)
5.00 p.m. CC. Lab: Would a research on Saiyan behaviour be interesting? Will I do it for professional purposes o just to laugh my head off?
11.49 p.m. CC. My bedroom: Done with serious thinking. Found out that the "Vegeta Project" would be just for my own amusement. It was a dumb… drunk-dumb idea.
11.50 p.m.: I really should think of something useful for everyone… Remember the androids, Bulma?
DUH!
24 April
116 lbs. Alcohol units: none (please, no more!). Cigarettes: 13. Calories: 707.
10.00 a.m.: Yumi Katchan phoned and begged me to organise the smug-married-couples dinner tonight… HERE!
All smug-married wives phoned and begged me to organise dinner, too. They have all heard of my mother's garden. Damn her popularity! I had to accept.
11.00 a.m.: Begged Vegeta (for an hour) to behave properly tonight. He ended up blackmailing me again…
This time I will have to learn how to cook just like my mother.
- I hate your cooking, woman, but I hate your mother even more – he said. Well, that explains why he seems so relieved whenever she replaces me in the kitchen.
I accepted the bargain and he accepted to stay in the GT room and not complain if it broke down until everyone is gone.
That was a fair bargain.
11.59 p.m. CC. My bedroom: Oh… Oh… Oh…
Oh… Oh… Oh…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK
27 April
Weight: Not in the mood for weighting. Alcohol units: Not in the mood for counting. Cigarettes: Not in the mood to know it. Calories: Not in the mood for calculating.
10.00 a.m. CC. My room: I'm soo depressed. Nothing bad could have happened that night… Or so I thought.
Vegeta's been banging on my door since I haven't cooked for him in days.
Since that night… The night my social life died.
It all began really very well, despite the fact I hate smug-married-couples.
Dinner was great. Conversation was quite interesting, actually. They didn't even get close to the "Unmarried women in their thirties" topic. I was actually having a great time.
The GT room was out of sight. It almost seemed as if there was no Vegeta in the house. Until…
Red lights came from the hidden corner where the GT room was in.
- Bulma, dear – said one of the smug-married wives- What's that?
I smiled nervously.
- Eeeerrr… One of my Dad's latest inventions.
- Aren't Bulma's Mother's flowers beautiful? – Yumi shoved a geranium in the smug-married wife's face.
And from then on, everything came apart.
I had just served dessert when a smiling Goku appeared in front of us.
- Oh, hi Bulma… Didn't know you had guests… Where's Vegeta?
- Goku… - I said through greeted teeth.
- I came to hid… spar… I came to spar…
I just pointed with my index finger. It's no use yelling at him.
He walked slowly towards the GT room. He was behaving in a most unusual manner (if that's possible).
- He's an old friend… - I tried to explain to my shocked guests- He's a magician… illusionist.
"OOOHHH" and "AAAAAHHH"… Good sings. I felt as if I had just saved the night.
How wrong can a human be?
Only a few minutes had passed when Gohan landed in front of us.
- Oh, hi… Sorry, Bulma… Have you seen my Dad?
I took a hand to my temple and started rubbing hard.
- Over there… - I pointed.
Gohan behaved in the same way Goku did. Fortunately, we all got to finish dessert.
All smug-married couples decided to remain silent (Yumi Katchan, too) and assumed it all had to do with one of my Dad's experiments.
Coffee had just been served when Piccolo landed there… Right between the sugar and the cream.
And then there was absolute panic- attack. It's not everyday you see a green guy dressed as a Bedouin landing on your tablecloth.
A couple of women fainted. All husbands looked paralysed. Yumi was open-mouthed.
- That thing is not human… - She mumbled. If she only knew her Kami looks just like him.
- Goku and Gohan?- said Piccolo.
I pointed, giving up… Total surrender… There was nothing else to do… No possible logic explanation… I just remained silent, shaking in anger.
Just leaned back in the chair, totally exhausted.
- Oh… that was enough, bunch of freaks… - I sighted.
None of my guests said anything. They simply stood up and headed towards their cars. But…
Rambo-dressed Chi Chi stormed in the backyard in a rage, carrying all sorts of heavy bazookas and such.
I just pointed helplessly.
She just ran in the indicated direction, howling…
- THE THREE OF YOU WILL HAVE A BATH… EVEN IF I DIE TRYING!!!!!!!!!
I just lowered my head and started knocking the table with my forehead.
- Bulma… We are leaving… You know… The… Freaks… I mean… Kids… Babysitters… - Yumi Katchan's husband mumbled.
I didn't dare to look at them.
Suddenly I heard an enraged voice.
- WOMAN, THIS WAS NOT A PART OF THE BARGAIN!!!!
A blood-covered, half-naked Vegeta made his way trough my guests-on-the-run.
I didn't answer.
- WOMAN!!!!!
Vegeta threw a small ki ball to the sky. Even I could notice it was a harmless ki ball… But not my guests, who just ran away as if chased by the devil.
And there I stayed… My forehead on the table.
Chi Chi grabbed Goku, Gohan and Piccolo and took them with her. Vegeta, after a few curses, left for the GT room.
I just couldn't move. The table still set.
Sometime through the night it started to rain.
I wasn't crying… I was just thinking about my so-called brand new life… BULLSHIT.
Thinking about Yamucha. About being a lunatic spinster.
- Woman, you'd better get inside…
Vegeta was standing next to me. I could see his white boots.
- You'll get sick. Remember you have to cook for me tomorrow…
Rain kept falling furiously.
I didn't answer. He just grabbed me and carried me as if I was a bag of potatoes and deposited me on my bedroom's floor. I just fell asleep there, still completely covered in my soaked clothes, on my bedroom's floor.
30 April
113 lbs. Alcohol units: none. Cigarettes: 21. Calories: 1.403
5.30 a.m.: Decided to leave my bedroom and make breakfast for Vegeta. After all, what happened was not his fault.
6.30 a.m.: Vegeta came into the kitchen and gave me an odd glance. He said nothing and consumed his food.
7.30 a.m.: Had my own breakfast: Large cups of coffe and some toasts.
Noon. CC. Kitchen: I had locked myself in the lab all morning. Decided to analyse some of the information gathered in Frieza's ship.
Came out of the lab to make lunch for Vegeta.
Once again, he gave me one of "those" glances.
Late night. CC. Kitchen: I had to ask… Curiosity was killing me. I took my chance when Vegeta sat next to where I was watching T.V.
- Do say… What happened when Chi Chi got there?
He just gritted his teeth.
- I was sparring with Kakarott when the bastard and the fucking Namek showed up. We all started sparring… I was beating their asses up. When that… That… Monstrous… Air-headed… Poor excuse for a female entered the GT room and started shooting at us… She carried fucking grenades…
Then he remained silent for a minute or so…
- Why he, the most powerful man in the universe, fears her? I would just blast her off…
I didn't say anything. Actually, there was nothing to say… Basically, cause I agreed with him.
_____________________________________________________________________
Author's note:
Well… Sorry if it was a bit messy… I'm not very good at writing in English (especially when it comes to phrasal verbs…)
Alright… In this chapter you could see my made-up characters… really not important…
I have no further comments on my this chapter, I think…
Sorry I didn't update so soon, but I had a busy week.
Hope you like it!
Comments? Suggestions? Words of Worship (HE HE HE)? REVIEW!
OH… I remember now.
About Bulma's feelings about people her age. Some months ago, I saw one of my high-school mates in the supermarket. She was with her husband and her little baby deciding what to buy and what not to buy in order to make ends meet. I felt so… small… I felt just like a child… I mean… All I think about is university, calling my friends on weekends, my job… And she has a family now… Many of my friends have their own family… It made me think a lot. I got really depressed. Of course, when we left high-school we all had to choose out paths in life. I chose to live the life I have now… But still… I don't know… I felt old and childish at the same time! I realised I'm old enough to have a family… Anyway… It all returned to normal a couple of weeks later…
If any of you had felt that, or had the same experience, tell me! I really want to share this weird feeling… Uh… Was that clear? I don't think so…
Well… Life goes on!
Thanks everyone for your wonderful reviews!
Hope you keep reading this.
Next chapter: May: Late spinsterhood blues
:)
MisaKats (theseventhcoin@hotmail.com)