Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z or Dragon Ball GT or any of its characters. I do not own Bridget Jones's Diary, written by Helen Fielding
Bulma Briefs's Diary
Chapter 13
December
Good Intentions
1 December
125 lbs. Nausea: All morning. Waist inches: Same as usual. Crying attacks: 15 (and counting)
Oh, Kami... I'm a single mum! I'm so pregnant! And the father of my child is an ice-cube.
Why, O why am I so miserable?
Later: Why, O, why am I so dramatic?
It's not as if it was the end of the world!
Later: Oh, Kami! It's the end of the world!
Ha! Just kidding.
2 December
125 lbs. Nausea: All day. Calories: Decided to stop counting since I keep throwing up.
Noon. CC offices: Made an appointment with the doctor to check on unexpected pregnancy.
I feel less depressed than yesterday...
Mum keeps trying to feed me... And I can't refuse, since I've cut on smoking and I feel anxious all day... So, when I don't feel nauseated, I eat...
Oh, happy life!
All sorrows I used to fumigate with cigarettes and drown in alcohol must be now covered in fat duvet only.
That's not so bad. I'll star worrying about weight right after the baby's born. After that I'll diet forever.
I'm beginning to suspect my secretary thinks I'm pregnant... And right she is...
She keeps asking me whether O fell well or hungry...
Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe she's just being kind to me 'cause I was in a bad mood this morning and I kicked the board out of the meeting room... I mean LITERALLY kicked them out... Oh, they were bugging me (YET AGAIN??!!!) about my long and usual absences...
Oh... Don't these guys understand? How thick can they get? I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE CAPSULE CORPORATION!
I have such a life that I'm pregnant!
And now, the question I'm afraid to ask myself.
Is my baby Human? Oh, Kami... What if my baby inherits its father's tail? How am I supposed to keep a tail from doctors?... Impossible... Note to self: Thin of possible explanations for doctors.
And then... What if the baby looks after its father? What if it's character is similar to Vegeta's?
My baby will be perfect. With or without a tail...
1.45 p.m. CC offices: Better without
2.00 p.m. CC offices: Oh Kami! Don't let my baby have a tail.
10.00 p.m. CC. My room: Vegeta's sleeping in his own room... I fell kinda sad.
10.01 p.m. CC. My room: I'M SOOOOO SAAADDDDDDDD! BWAAAAAAAAHHH!
10.02 p.m. CC. My room: ICE CREAM!!!!!
3 December
125 lbs. Alcohol units: none. Cigarettes: none. Calories: 6715 (How much can a human being eat?)
Early morning: Well... I'm so bored. I think I'll go shopping. I have to get some clothes... Have to prepare myself for the moment I look like a balloon.
Somehow I'm not depressed when I think of my body looking like a giant ball...
My baby will be strong and beautiful.
If it's a boy, he'll be strong and damn smart. And deadly handsome too.
If it's a girl she'll be damn smart and deadly beautiful... Just like me... And she'll know how to manipulate all men she meets... Unlike myself... AAWW... so cute!!!
And if it's a Saiyan, I'll keep it on a cage and feed it through a hosepipe... HA! Just kidding...
9.00 p.m. CC. Kitchen: Mum spent all day with me. We went shopping. Bought a couple of baby seats for my vehicles and a pram. I feel so tender right now...
4 December
126 lbs. Calories: All you can get!!!
I really should start thinking about decorating a room for the baby. Surely Mum would love to take care of that. I wonder where she is... She's been acting so weird lately... Well... Even more than before...
5 December
127 lbs. Calories: 4211
Mum's more than willing to take care of the baby's room. Actually, she spent 2 hours telling me how happy she was about becoming a grandmother and how thankful she is to Vegeta for making her long cherished dream come true.
She's now performing a strange ritual right in front of the Gravity room.
Have never seen anything so funny!...
HA! There's Vegeta! HAHAHAHAHAA! He's just staring! HA! He's looking at me! Oh, the man looks desperate! HAHAHAHA! Oops... he's coming this way...
Later:
- Woman... What the hell is your mother doing?
- I think she's happy!
- And must she be happy in front of the ship?
- If I've fully understood her ritual, she's worshipping you...
- Ah... At last someone understands how important I am to this planet...
- Wrong. She's worshipping you as a fecundity God. She's thankful you've granted her a grandchild.
- I see... When will she stop? I can't concentrate with her fecundity chants...
- Oh... When the baby's born. But I believe she'll have to stop from time to time... She has to eat and go to the bathroom... And maybe to catch her breath, though I'm not quite sure...
- WHAT????
- Relax- I said smiling- I'm kidding. I'll tell her to stop...
He left with a Humph!...
- In about two or three hours...
- I HEARD THAT!
HAHAHAHAHA!
4 hours later: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAA! She's still singing!... HAHAHA!
5 December
127 lbs. Alcohol units: none. Cigarettes: none. Calories: 3411
7.30 p.m. CC. My room: Had a little row with Vegeta last night. He came to my room eager to perform the dirty dance.
Well... I don't know why but I don't feel like having sex... Let me rephrase that... I didn't feel like having sex last night.
So, of course, we started yelling... And then...
Mum showed up and told us it was perfectly normal for me to not feel like having sex... She added some colourful notes as "... your Dad had to masturbate for 4 straight months..." and "... Chasing me around the house, naked, begging for it..."
Of course... I don't need to explain what sort of moment that was... It certainly stopped our argument... Actually, Vegeta and I became speechless for the longest time in history. After that, Vegeta left the room still in shock.
I became a little suspicious and started searching my room for hidden cameras and microphones. Found 5... just in the closet...
Kami... my mother is a voyeur.
I feel quite bad about rejecting Vegeta. I should talk to him... In a private Camera-and-mic-free space... Not in this house...
Does my mother even sleep? Maybe she stays up all night spying on Vegeta and me...
5.00 p.m. CC. Kitchen: There were 11 cameras in the bathroom!!!!!
6 December
128 lbs. Calories: Fabulous amounts of chips...
I feel down...
Been thinking a lot about my childhood... About how bad I wanted to be just as I am right now... And yet... It's not enough... Now I know it's not enough for me...
Deep... Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep inside me, I really want to be an ordinary housewife. My profession will never allow me to be so... And I don't mean a housewife in the manner of Chi Chi, obsessed all the time about his child and food... I mean... Just stay home, play with the children, cook and... well... not clean... I hate cleaning...
I always wished to find a prince. A handsome, tough-looking man... And now that I have found him, I'd really like to keep him...
He's not mine... I know...
He belong to the universe... Funny, considering that maybe the Universe will one day belong to him.
Kami... Was it too much to ask? I want a family. No to be slaved by a domineering husband, whose love can be measured by the loudness of his belch or the amount of food he eats.
A family with Vegeta...
I don't want an absent-fathered-child, and insane mother, a strange father and a boyfriend just too busy dominating distant planets to pay any attention to me.
I could do with the insane mother and the strange father. I've handled that very well all my life...
But I do want a husband and a spoilt child... I really want that...
I wonder where my Mum is... Really need to talk to somebody.
7 December
128 lbs.
Didn't find Mum... But I found her headquarters...
In the furthest corner of the house, there is a small room we used for storing old capsules. I found something soooo spooky I'm still recovering.
The capsules were gone... All I found were tiny little TV screens attached to the walls... Thousands of them... Every corner of the house... Every movement... Every moment of our lives monitored...
Why is she doing this? Why has she lost her mind? How long has she been doing this...?
8 December
128 lbs.
Talked to Mum really seriously.
She was peacefully sat on the kitchen, watching the coffee maker in action. One of her little pleasures in life...
- Mum...
- Yes dear? - She chirped.
- I know... I know everything... About the cams and the mics...
- Oh, Honey!!
- WHY???!!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING SUCH A THING???!!!!!
- Oh, sweetie...
- EXPLANATIONS... NOW!!!!!!!
- You see...- she started merrily- You were not supposed to see that...
- I WONDER WHY...
- It was supposed to be a surprise for you and the baby...
- Surprise?
- Yes... You see... When Vegeta decided to stay here I had started planning to take snapshots of him while he slept. To do that, I had to take them from outside, through the window, hanging from the roof with a safety harness...
- MUM!!!!!
- But then I came up with the idea of redecorating a room for him and put cameras on every piece of furniture... Eventually I realised that if I got in his room while he slept, he wouldn't be awoken anyway...
I was shocked...
- And the we had to have your room repaired and I knew there was something between the two of you and I put cameras on your room too...
- YOU'VE BEEN SPYING ON US EVER SINCE????
- Spying... Watching over you... Call it as you please...
- WHY??????
- At first it was just for fun... But when you two started to you know what, I knew I would become a grandmother sooner or later, so I started working on a surprise... I was planning to make a film of the two of you to show to my grandchildren.
- WHY?????- This was all I could say... I was... Shocked...
- Well... you told us that in that kid's future, Vegeta was dead and I was sure you would have liked some souvenir from him. I know how important friends are to you. And I'm making a photo album...
- And why did you start spying on Vegeta?
- Oh... he's sooo handsome!
- MUM... this is abnormal... It has to stop... It's not sane... Please... I'm begging you to stop. Do it for me... I know you have good intentions, but I can't believe how crazy your good intentions can be...
- I'll stop, honey... If that's what you want... Anyway... I have enough material already...
- NO, MUM... No... If Vegeta finds out he'll go berserk... All cams and mics have to go...
- Oh, Honey... Not the ones in Vegeta's room!!
- ALL of them... Each and every one.
She stayed silent for a moment...
- All right... I'll do it for you.
- Fine... Thanks... I guess...
And I was leaving when the most disgusting idea crossed my mind.
- Mum? Did you tape us while we were...?
- Of course not, honey... I stopped after the clothes were off...
- MUM!!!! DID YOU SEE US???
- No dearest, of course not... I had things to do... Besides I know everything would be just fine. I just enjoy romance, I'm not a pervert... – She chirped.
I wonder how thin the line that divides a person that enjoys romance from sick voyeurism is...
9 December
129 lbs.
After removing all cams and mics (took Mum and me 5 hours and a half). We both sat down exhausted.
She looked unhappy but satisfied.
- So, tell me sweetheart... How are you feeling?
- Fine, Mum...
- Really, sweetie...
- Well... I feel really happy about the baby, but...
- But?
- But... I don't know... I guess... I want him to be a different man... I want him to be kind and gentle. I want him to care... I want him to...
- Honey... If Vegeta was a different man, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him...
Now... I know it may sound stupid... But for me it was enlightening. I was simply in love with Vegeta.
I started to cry as my mother comforted me.
But now I know I love him. And that every decision he takes, I will accept... I've reached a part of him that no one had ever reached. I know I'm important to him and I understand he has priorities. So I will respect his decision. And I know he'll leave this planet after the androids are defeated. But I'll keep a part of his heart and of his soul... And if my child looks after him I'll also keep a part of his character.
This all sounds sad... But I'm not sad... Quite the contrary... I feel satisfied with my life. Something I had never felt before...
Good feeling.
12 December
129 lbs.
4.00 p.m. CC. Kitchen: Been shopping!!! Baby clothes!!! I bought the funniest hat for my baby!...
Aw... Christmas's all over the city. People shopping, children asking for presents... None of them know about the danger approaching. But I'm no longer worried about dying... I'm sure Vegeta will defeat those androids... Vegeta and Goku fighting in the same team... Oooo... Spooky...
13 December
130 lbs. Shopping bags: 37
3.00 p.m. CC. My room: I became suddenly suspicious and started searching my room for cameras like mad... Found none.
10.00 p.m. CC. My room: Vegeta came to my room just as I was looking at the final analysis of the fibres on the Saiyan outfits.
- Woman
- Hmm?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- What? Nothing's wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you?
- Nothing... I know... I was bored. You haven't been bitching me around much lately.
- I take it you miss me...
He gave me one of THOSE stares.
- Sorry about the other day.
- What?
- About rejecting you. Well... It was not you... but sex... I was not feeling well... this pregnancy thing is new to me.
- Your mother certainly made me hate sex too that day...
- I know I haven't been... Understanding to you, Vegeta.
He gave me a quizzical look.
- I yelled at you... I've been yelling at you for a long time... About nothing...
- Is this some sort of apology?
- Not about bitching you around... That I do for fun... I'm talking about not respecting your priorities. About defeating Goku, and leaving Earth to make your own army...
He was listening carefully.
- I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you do after the battle, I'll respect your decision. I'll raise our child alone, if you decide to leave and I'll respect that...
He nodded slowly.
- Why are you telling this to me right now?
- I don't want you to feel bound to stay here. That you can go on with what you were planning to do.
- It's not like I need your permission...
- ASSHOLE! You just don't get it, don't you? I'm opening my heart to you and you are just being a jerk! – I stopped in order to calm myself – I know you don0t need my permission. I was telling this to you in case you cared about what I think or feel... About me...
- Bulma... Are you stupid?
ASSHOLE...
- Why do you say that???
- I thought you knew me better that that...
- WHAT?
- Nothing... I appreciate your concern. That's all... I'll go back to train now.
Well... I don't know what to make of that conversation.
19 December
130 lbs. Shopping bags: 42 (v.b.!)
Late night. CC. My room: I wonder what Mum will give us all for Christmas. She hasn't ever asked me what I wanted. That kinda scares me.
Later: Not KINDA... IT DOES SCARE ME
24 December
130 lbs.
Late night. CC. My room: AW... Been so busy I hardly had time to write. Everything in the office has been messy.
After the analysis of the Saiyan outfits all scientists were excited, and asked me a thousand questions about the precedence of the fabrics.
Guess I'll have to do this myself.
On the other hand, I had a meeting with the board to tell everybody I'll be gone from the Corporation for a while because of my pregnancy and that my father would take my place for some time.
It was a bit of a shock to everybody, but...
OH, SHIT! YAMUCHA... I completely forgot...
Shit happens...
I wonder what everybody else is doing...
I wonder if Chichi has already hit rock bottom... Be good Bulma... BE GOOD... for your baby's sake.
27 December
136 (!!!!!!!!!) lbs. (HOLY SHIT!!!!!). But can still go on eating. Calories (so far): 2427
4.00 p.m. CC. Kitchen: We had a wonderful time during Christmas. We ate and laugh a lot...
Mum got Dad 242 lovely many coloured lab coats. She got an enormous amount of baby clothes and toys for me (and the baby, of course). I started crying...
But she did her best effort with Vegeta's gifts. She gave him a whole wardrobe, since he has hardly any clothes. Well... he now has thousands...
And she gave him 50 boxes of condoms... FAULY condoms...
- Use these- She said... There were small holes on every box, as if they had been pinned...
I guess she wants more grandchildren...
Of course, Vegeta didn't get the idea and just looked at the boxed with a frown.
Lovely day.
31 December (actually, later than midnight)
136 lbs. (not good). Alcohol units: none. Cigarettes: none. Calories: 4221. Negative thoughts: none. Positive thoughts: 3421 (approx. based on av. per minute). Attempts to kill Vegeta: none.
Late late night. CC. My room: Celebrated New Year looking at fireworks. Lovely night. We ate as much as we could and everybody has just water to help me go through the celebration without vacuuming every champagne bottle I could find (like every previous New Year's Celebrations)
I went to bed soon after dinner, not really tired but anxious to get out of my shoes. My feet were killing me.
Somebody knocked on the door. It was Vegeta.
He closed the door without taking his eyes off me.
- Are you all right?
- Sure – I said as I kicked off my shoes and massaged my feet – Why you ask?
- You came to bed early... It's not even midnight yet.
- I know... But my feet were killing me.
- Better?
I smiled closing my eyes.
- Love being barefoot.
- You haven't been throwing up so much lately.
- Nope... It's a relief... I hate to vomit. It's disgusting.
- You look different.
- Different? Maybe it has to do with the make up...
I said looking myself in the mirror.
- No
- Oh... Maybe the hair then...
- No... It's nothing like that. It's you that look different.
- Bad or good? – I asked as I took off my dress and slipped into my pyjamas.
- Good. You look beautiful.
I stopped doing what I was doing and sat down, suddenly my legs seemed unable to support my body.
- Thank you – I said shyly.
- The other day, when I asked you if you were stupid I did mean something.
- That I am stupid? – I frowned.
- No. How can you doubt me? Despite my priorities, I care about what you think and feel. And I care about you-
By then my heart was beating so bad I feared it might rip my pyjama top and drop to the floor.
Finally, I found my voice.
- I care about you too. That's why I told you that whatever decision you take, I'll respect it.
He remained silent for a while.
- You asked me to tell you when I'm leaving to train in outer space.
I nodded.
- After the child is born I'll leave. Not before.
- Thanks. That's important to me.
- I know... And about the battle with the androids...
- Yes?
- By then I will have surpassed Kakarotto. I will defeat him. I'll be the strongest man in the universe...
I nodded once again with a serious face.
- After that...
- You'll leave and make your own army...
And this time he shook his head.
- I think I'll stay around for a while.
This surprised me so much I started to sob silently, but quickly stopped.
He looked at me long and meaningfully.
And then he got closer and kissed me.
Somewhere in the distance bells were chiming, announcing the arrival of a New Year.
And in my head I could hear bells too.
- Happy New Year, Vegeta.
He kissed me once again.
He's downstairs right now. Looking for chocolate since I want to have some really bad.
And now I'm so happy... I do love Vegeta, all his ups and downs. All of him, his unpredictability, his obsessions, his silences.
And I know him now. I know him very well.
So well that I know that "for a while" meant "forever"
Author's note: Well... That's it... Don't forget to check out the Epilogue...
About this chapter.
I wrote this one while watching "The pelican brief" which is the second movie I can stand starring Julia Roberts (the other one is Mary Reilly). I was trying hard to get ideas for this chapter and fill it in since it would have been really short if I hadn't add all the Insane Mrs. Briefs thingy. I actually wrote it completely and later I realised that her headquarters idea was similar to Sliver (that movie with Sharon Stone) but less sick... that movie is disgusting... But actually, in the Pelican Brief you can see a room that tapes all movements of the president... But I had already written this chapter before watching that part... so... My mind works on mysterious ways...
And yes... I case you didn't notice... I'm a big fan of movies, all kinds of movies...
Check out the Epilogue!!!