A Threat to All Nosgoth
I don't own the lieutenants or Kain. Crystal Dymanics and Eidos do. I came up with this idea during study hall and thought it would be funny to write about. This is for people who have been reading along. If you don't care about this and want to skip to the fic pleas go right ahead. I'm going to rant like a Swede for a little bit. For those of you who have been reading along you may have discovered that this fic was inaccessible for the past week. That's because Fanfiction.net removed this story on the grounds that I was breaking some of their rules. Those rules being: you can't make it interactive and you can't use real people. All the authors gave me their permission! They knew what they were getting themselves into! I suppose I should've paid more attention to the "interactive" part but I've seen other fics like this on Fanfiction.net. I apologize to Skriana the Sky Dragon, Trelela, Space Toaster, and shadowgirl59. Unfortunately I won't be able to get your chapters up. I am extremely sorry about that. It was fun while it lasted. I got to write about some of my favorite authors and had a great time doing it! There's nothing wrong with the default chapter so I thought I'd repost that. I am very sad and enraged. I had a great thing going! It was funny and everyone seemed to like it. If you want your chapter I can email it to you but I don't check my email very often. If you think that removing my fic was a tragedy please review and tell me. I want to know if other authors share my position in this. I thought about protesting but I guess that would be fruitless. Oh well. Enjoy. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
(This story takes place a few centuries after Raziel was cast into the Abyss. This is also a week before Vampire Hunters attacked Dumah.)
It was time for the monthly meeting of Kain and his lieutenants. It was debated for a while where they should hold the meetings after all the lieutenants had mutated. They eventually decided on the Silenced Cathedral. Because Zephon couldn't move from it and because the others could make it there relatively easily. Kain would just teleport inside. Turel (the one from Defiance) would use his mighty telekinetic powers to rearrange the walls to allow him passage. Dumah would take the path that Raziel mostly used except with some detours that only the lieutenants and Kain knew of. Rahab just swam through the pipes until he reached the top. The only one who had problems was....
Melchiah: Kain... dammit. How... many times... have I... said it's...too difficult... to get... up here!
Melchiah had taken the long way (like Dumah but he had to drag his massive body through it, shifting to the spectral realm and phasing where he could.)
Kain: We have our meetings here because if we had them anywhere else Zephon couldn't attend.
Melchiah: (Breathing laboriously) Yeah, but... couldn't you... put in... an elevator?
Zephon: A what now?
Rahab: Come on, let's get this meeting started! The Rahabim always throw wild parties when I'm away.
Kain: Right. The monthly meeting of VRON (Vampire Rulers Of Nosgoth) will come to order. Any old news?
Melchiah: Elevator!
Kain: Shut up. Anything else?
Turel: The Turelim still want vampire babes that they can show off their muscles to.
Kain: And I'll keep telling them that once the humans send out female vampire hunters they'll get them. What else?
Zephon lays an egg
Dumah: Yeah. Here's some old news. What the hell are those things?!
Zephon: They're my eggs.
Rahab: But vampires can't procreate. They don't really hatch into little Zephonim do they?
Zephon: No.
Melchiah: Then what purpose do they have?!
Zephon: I dunno. One day when I was mutating I noticed that I started laying eggs every other minute. All I know is they're flammable.
Kain: Riiight. Any new news?
Dumah: Yesterday vampire hunters launched an assault against my city.
Kain: Aren't you going to do anything about it?
Dumah: Naah! I'm sure the Dumahim can handle it.
Turel: But what if it gets out of control?
Dumah: Come on! What harm could they possibly do?
Kain: Well so long as you can handle it. Anything else?
Melchiah: The Melchiaim need more corpses to hold themselves together.
Kain: Hmm... Zephon. All those bodies your Zephonim cocoon. What do you do with the bodies after you've extracted the blood?
Zephon: I usually cast them aside or leave them to hang there.
Kain: Would it be much trouble for you to carry them to the Necropolis?
Zephon: My Zephonims never leave the Cathedral. Get him to send his Melchiahim over. I'll just drop it outside.
Kain: Right. Rahab, you've been quiet. What's happening with you?
Rahab: Well it's been kind of a struggle to keep the Rahabim under control. Just because they're immune to water and can fire telekinetic blasts they think they're invincible.
Kain: Remind them of their excruciating weakness to sunlight. That'll put them in their place.
Rahab: Right.
Kain: Now for the real reason I've called you all here today.
Melchiah: I thought we always did these meetings the first Tuesday of every month.
Kain: Shut. Up. I've found something horrible that's a threat to all of Nosgoth!
Zephon: (Lays an egg) What is it?
Kain: It's an evil that goes by many names but is most commonly called "fanfiction".
Rahab: And what is this "fanfiction" you speak of?
Kain: Fanfiction is where people take their favorite characters from TV shows, comic books, or video games and write stories about them. That includes us!
Dumah: Hey that doesn't sound so bad. If people are writing stories about us, some of them must be good, right?
Kain: In some cases yes, they are good. But in some people make us look like idiots and have us do things we would never dream of! And in some... the authors put us in homosexual relationships with other people!!
Turel: Dear God.
Kain: I even read one where Raziel and I were forced to wear dresses!
Turel: *Gasp*
Dumah: *Gasp*
Rahab: *Gasp*
Zephon: *Gasp*
Melchiah: *Snicker*
Kain: (To Melchiah) Did you just laugh at me?
Melchiah: Nooo...
Kain: Good. (To all) And that's not the worst of it.
Rahab: There's more?!
Kain: Apparently there are certain types of fanfics called "Mary Sues". A Mary Sue is usually a female character that always ends up with someone great, in our case, Raziel, Turel, or myself. She is so pretty, smart, and strong and will be able to beat the crap out of all of us and we'll all be fighting over her. Zephon: There has to be some way to stop them!
Kain: I'm afraid not. As long as they follow the Copyright Infringement laws they're free to do whatever they want.
The lieutenants looked at each other nervously.
Dumah: What was that?
Turel: It sounded like someone narrating that we looked at each other nervously.
Kain: It's already begun... *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* There it is. The only chapter I'll be able to post. I don't know what I can say to help you understand the anger I feel. I'd like to thank all of the authors who helped me make the old version of this fic and hope they enjoyed it while it was up. I'm not going to continue this fic in any way. I'm going to move on to others like my Game show fic. Thanks, everyone who read and reviewed the old version, for joining me on this crazy ride. I hope I can write about Kain and the boys in some other fic. REVIEW!!
I don't own the lieutenants or Kain. Crystal Dymanics and Eidos do. I came up with this idea during study hall and thought it would be funny to write about. This is for people who have been reading along. If you don't care about this and want to skip to the fic pleas go right ahead. I'm going to rant like a Swede for a little bit. For those of you who have been reading along you may have discovered that this fic was inaccessible for the past week. That's because Fanfiction.net removed this story on the grounds that I was breaking some of their rules. Those rules being: you can't make it interactive and you can't use real people. All the authors gave me their permission! They knew what they were getting themselves into! I suppose I should've paid more attention to the "interactive" part but I've seen other fics like this on Fanfiction.net. I apologize to Skriana the Sky Dragon, Trelela, Space Toaster, and shadowgirl59. Unfortunately I won't be able to get your chapters up. I am extremely sorry about that. It was fun while it lasted. I got to write about some of my favorite authors and had a great time doing it! There's nothing wrong with the default chapter so I thought I'd repost that. I am very sad and enraged. I had a great thing going! It was funny and everyone seemed to like it. If you want your chapter I can email it to you but I don't check my email very often. If you think that removing my fic was a tragedy please review and tell me. I want to know if other authors share my position in this. I thought about protesting but I guess that would be fruitless. Oh well. Enjoy. *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
(This story takes place a few centuries after Raziel was cast into the Abyss. This is also a week before Vampire Hunters attacked Dumah.)
It was time for the monthly meeting of Kain and his lieutenants. It was debated for a while where they should hold the meetings after all the lieutenants had mutated. They eventually decided on the Silenced Cathedral. Because Zephon couldn't move from it and because the others could make it there relatively easily. Kain would just teleport inside. Turel (the one from Defiance) would use his mighty telekinetic powers to rearrange the walls to allow him passage. Dumah would take the path that Raziel mostly used except with some detours that only the lieutenants and Kain knew of. Rahab just swam through the pipes until he reached the top. The only one who had problems was....
Melchiah: Kain... dammit. How... many times... have I... said it's...too difficult... to get... up here!
Melchiah had taken the long way (like Dumah but he had to drag his massive body through it, shifting to the spectral realm and phasing where he could.)
Kain: We have our meetings here because if we had them anywhere else Zephon couldn't attend.
Melchiah: (Breathing laboriously) Yeah, but... couldn't you... put in... an elevator?
Zephon: A what now?
Rahab: Come on, let's get this meeting started! The Rahabim always throw wild parties when I'm away.
Kain: Right. The monthly meeting of VRON (Vampire Rulers Of Nosgoth) will come to order. Any old news?
Melchiah: Elevator!
Kain: Shut up. Anything else?
Turel: The Turelim still want vampire babes that they can show off their muscles to.
Kain: And I'll keep telling them that once the humans send out female vampire hunters they'll get them. What else?
Zephon lays an egg
Dumah: Yeah. Here's some old news. What the hell are those things?!
Zephon: They're my eggs.
Rahab: But vampires can't procreate. They don't really hatch into little Zephonim do they?
Zephon: No.
Melchiah: Then what purpose do they have?!
Zephon: I dunno. One day when I was mutating I noticed that I started laying eggs every other minute. All I know is they're flammable.
Kain: Riiight. Any new news?
Dumah: Yesterday vampire hunters launched an assault against my city.
Kain: Aren't you going to do anything about it?
Dumah: Naah! I'm sure the Dumahim can handle it.
Turel: But what if it gets out of control?
Dumah: Come on! What harm could they possibly do?
Kain: Well so long as you can handle it. Anything else?
Melchiah: The Melchiaim need more corpses to hold themselves together.
Kain: Hmm... Zephon. All those bodies your Zephonim cocoon. What do you do with the bodies after you've extracted the blood?
Zephon: I usually cast them aside or leave them to hang there.
Kain: Would it be much trouble for you to carry them to the Necropolis?
Zephon: My Zephonims never leave the Cathedral. Get him to send his Melchiahim over. I'll just drop it outside.
Kain: Right. Rahab, you've been quiet. What's happening with you?
Rahab: Well it's been kind of a struggle to keep the Rahabim under control. Just because they're immune to water and can fire telekinetic blasts they think they're invincible.
Kain: Remind them of their excruciating weakness to sunlight. That'll put them in their place.
Rahab: Right.
Kain: Now for the real reason I've called you all here today.
Melchiah: I thought we always did these meetings the first Tuesday of every month.
Kain: Shut. Up. I've found something horrible that's a threat to all of Nosgoth!
Zephon: (Lays an egg) What is it?
Kain: It's an evil that goes by many names but is most commonly called "fanfiction".
Rahab: And what is this "fanfiction" you speak of?
Kain: Fanfiction is where people take their favorite characters from TV shows, comic books, or video games and write stories about them. That includes us!
Dumah: Hey that doesn't sound so bad. If people are writing stories about us, some of them must be good, right?
Kain: In some cases yes, they are good. But in some people make us look like idiots and have us do things we would never dream of! And in some... the authors put us in homosexual relationships with other people!!
Turel: Dear God.
Kain: I even read one where Raziel and I were forced to wear dresses!
Turel: *Gasp*
Dumah: *Gasp*
Rahab: *Gasp*
Zephon: *Gasp*
Melchiah: *Snicker*
Kain: (To Melchiah) Did you just laugh at me?
Melchiah: Nooo...
Kain: Good. (To all) And that's not the worst of it.
Rahab: There's more?!
Kain: Apparently there are certain types of fanfics called "Mary Sues". A Mary Sue is usually a female character that always ends up with someone great, in our case, Raziel, Turel, or myself. She is so pretty, smart, and strong and will be able to beat the crap out of all of us and we'll all be fighting over her. Zephon: There has to be some way to stop them!
Kain: I'm afraid not. As long as they follow the Copyright Infringement laws they're free to do whatever they want.
The lieutenants looked at each other nervously.
Dumah: What was that?
Turel: It sounded like someone narrating that we looked at each other nervously.
Kain: It's already begun... *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* There it is. The only chapter I'll be able to post. I don't know what I can say to help you understand the anger I feel. I'd like to thank all of the authors who helped me make the old version of this fic and hope they enjoyed it while it was up. I'm not going to continue this fic in any way. I'm going to move on to others like my Game show fic. Thanks, everyone who read and reviewed the old version, for joining me on this crazy ride. I hope I can write about Kain and the boys in some other fic. REVIEW!!