Never Get On A Plane Unless You Know EXACTLY Where You're
Going
DISCLAIMER: Neo's doing this disclaimer! Oh boy, this is gonna be long...We, I repeat, Lagomorph and myself, Neo, do NOT own: Veggie Tales (Thank the great gods above for that one), Blackadder, Pina Coladas with lil cherries and paper umbrellas, Heavy Arms or anything else from Gundam, pot (well we do we just won't tell you), the Escaflowne cast (although I'm getting Van for Laggy for her 21st bday), $9.99 bar stools, kilts, the Ottawa Senator's dressing room, Moses, the 90s dating game starring Vanilla Ice, Lollipop Undies, Diablo, Lord of the Rings, Sigmund Freud, $15.56 per pound Hickory Smoked with a touch of Brown Sugar Salami made from Happy Cows in Pisa, Italy from Super-Walmart, Zesty Mustard, Multi-Bot from She-Ra, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Boom Box, Sleepover Skipper, Hollywood Hair Barbie, Mario, Pink Britney Spears printed bed sheets, Mary-Kate and Ashley posters, New Kids On The Block Dolls, aaaaand the end song from Rurouni Kenshin. Oh and don't sue us cause we bite and there's a good chance one or both of us has rabies.
Chapter 16
'Well this certainly does suck', Sage thought darkly as he scanned his surroundings. Typical dungeon. The crumbly stonewalls, slimy moss adorning the floors and the occasional spider web just to add to the ambiance - real peachy setting for the Warrior of Light. After grumbling some more and pulling his sore carcass to his feet, he slowly started to explore. After a while he noticed that at the far end of the chamber there was a rusty iron door. Grasping the fleeting moment of hope before it reared it's legged and kicked him in the face, Sage charged to the door and heaved on it with the entirety of his body weight. Errp, no good. The thing wouldn't budge. He tried a few more times, but still to no avail. He tried to melt the door with some 'choice words' he recently learned from Kento's 'extensive vocabulary', but that didn't work either. Backing off a bit, Sage thought of a plan. Oh yes, it was good. A plan so utterly cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
Stepping forward he reached out and turned the handle, then proceeded down the now-accessible corridor.
~~~ Rowen had been walking for a while now. He had arrived in a small room with a narrow door nearly twenty minutes ago. Well it could have been hours ago and he wouldn't have known it due to...well...lack of a watch. All he cared about was getting out and finding Amariie. Was he really caring that much about her? His heart beat a bit faster when he thought of her (yaddah yaddah yaddah). Anyways, back to him being alone in a dungeon with his very life in jeopardy like a snail about to be pounced upon by a playful kitten...hmm bad analogy. His feet were beginning to turn sore when he saw a shadow moving around ahead of him. If only there was a bit more light, he'd be a bit more comforted. The shadow moved towards him and stopped its movement about ten feet away.
Rowen was ready for the worst when the shadow said quite loudly, "Come on, Dynasty trash! Gimme what you got!"
Blue boy sighed. "Good to see you too, Kento."
Kento came closer and saw it was Ro-chan. "Ro! How's it going? I've been walking around here forEVER now and I'm hung-"
Rowen saw movement to his left and quickly turned to find a door with a single flickering candle above it. Did he see a door before?
He followed Rowen's gaze. "Alright, a way out! Come on!" Kento urged as he started walking towards it.
Rowen grabbed his elbow and pulled him back, which was difficult. "Wait. That door wasn't there before. Something's wrong."
For a moment Kento looked serious, but then he grinned widely. "Come on, Rowen, don't be a pussy. It's the only way out of this hellhole. Do you wanna walk around here for the rest of your life or not?"
Rowen glanced back at the door and sighed. "I suppose we can try it. But don't say I didn't warn you," he said to Kento, letting go of his grip on him.
Kento smiled a bit and walked to the door. He laid his armored hand on the handle as Rowen came to his left side. Giving one final glance to his buddy and a decreasingly confident grin, Kento opened the door to see only black.
~~~ After the suspiciously sudden appearance of light, Ryo and Cye cautiously strolled down the passage. Soon after, they came across a large chamber, and inside it there seemed to be a big armour...thing. Curiosity getting the best of them, the duo crept forwards to inspect this armour, and to their surprise, it seemed to be large. Very large, in-fact, and strange looking. It was red and orange, with green eyes slits in the helmet and a large, VERY large...gatlin?!
Ryo's head snapped to Cye's direction, eyes shining with sudden recognition and the happiness of a school boy catching a glimpse down his school teacher's blouse. "Dude! It's a gundam!"
Cye shrieked with glee as he climbed the monstrosity. Typing a complex code that he would have no idea of knowing into the small concealed panel he would have no chance of finding, the cockpit slowly opened and Cye hopped in. "Thank you Trowa!" he giggled, smiling as the cockpit lit up and main screen started to initiate battle sequences.
This was too cool.
"I see we have found Heavy Arms, Ronins," the raspy and ridiculously...large Demon Overlord mused, standing tall in the large opening of the secret hanger they appeared to be in. Yes, and may be emphasize that this opening was LARGE. Talpa was LARGE. See what drinking milk does to ya kids?
Mega-Talpa stepped forward, his giant metal foot crushing the floor beneath it and sending up a pleasantly destructive-looking dust cloud as well. Cye, giddy to rev this puppy up, whipped the gatlin gun around and opened fire. Ryo, not wanting his tiny ass to become powered pancake mix, wisely backed off to the side to watch the duel beside a sulking Van-sama, evidently miffed that he was stuck with a mecha that sucked his blood instead of a gatlin gun. "Hmph, I could've kicked Allen's ass if I had a beam gatlin. I AM king after all..."
Talpa used one of the numerous swords of his back to block Trowa-err Cye's shots (yes, Talpa has his body. Don't ask.) and charged the festive-looking mecha in-order to prohibit Cye from using the gun. Talpa swung hard, yet released the gatlin and flipped up the military knife to block it, using the head vulcans to knock the Dynasty ruler back. With a swift elbow to the presumed ribs and bringing the military knife down with vehemence, Cye sliced Talpa's metal body in two, blue gas seeping out of it like no tomorrow. Cye stepped back to admire the carnage, raising two armoured fingers in a victory pose before pulling himself out of the cockpit and using the tethered cord to descend gracefully to the ground.
No, actually none of that really happened. Don't smoke pot kids...
~~~ With the sudden appearance of light, the red and sky blue Ronins readied for battle, hell-bent on not falling (literally) to unawares again.
"Ryo, which way?" Cye queried, suspiciously eyeing both directions of the now alit corridor. They were totally lost, and those yellow-bellied bastards probably had some other trap up their sleeves... which was not good.
Ryo heaved a sigh and brushed a hand over the freckles he didn't have. "I think we should go right. I mean, right is always right! ha..."
"Not cool, man..."
~~~ Kento cautiously stepped forward into the darkness with Rowen uncomfortably close behind. "Yo, back the hell off. I can smell your breath and you need a damn tic ta—WHOA!" Kento yelled as he tripped over a foreign arm grabbing at his leg. "GET IT OFF MEEEEE!!!!"
Rowen furiously tried to find some aid for his comrade by flailing his arms around for some stability since Kento was snatching annoyingly at his ankles. His finger felt an odd shaped snag on the wall. He poked it and the room filled with light. After dragging his eyes away from the light switch on the plastered egg-colored wall, yes even with the ugly textured bumps with painted on flowers, plants, and the occasional blue jay, he saw Kento on the ground struggling with a fallen mop still half-way in a bucket. "And you call me a pussy, pussy," he remarked smiling.
"Fuck you."
Kento pushed his big ass up to find himself in...a kitchen.
"SCORE!"
Rowen half-ass tried to stop Kento from running off, but it was all too in vain. He was too amazed to sigh. How the hell did they just happen to find a kitchen. "This is way to off. What if we were in some sort of illusion the entire time? And we found a loophole?" he softly said to himself, already knowing Kento didn't give a crap.
The kitchen was adorned in a sort of college dorm meets Neo's kitchen sort of way. Crummy dishes stacked high in the small sink, stains were all over the counter, a slight smell of burnt macaroni floated in the air, and in the middle of it all was a beautiful four layered quadruple chocolate cake with fudge icing, a cherry, and rainbow sprinkles sitting on a paper plate. Rowen saw Kento had passed it with no thought and was currently raiding the fridge. His stomach growled angrily. None of them had had a decent meal since this whole fiasco began. Not caring about proper manners or utensils, Rowen grabbed the slice with his armored hand and ate it as fast as he could.
"So do ya think we're in Talpa's castle or something? Oooh! Salami! I'm making me a sandwich. I think this cheese is okay. It's got some moldy spots but hey, cheese is mold, right?" Kento babbled with his head in the fridge as Rowen licked a sticky finger.
"Maybe Dais was doing his illusions and got sidetracked or something, causing this :chew: part of the illusion to :swallow: fade," he offered logically while Kento balanced a large sandwich in his hand.
Quick and loud footsteps sharply appeared. Rowen gulped the last of the cake and Kento squeezed his sandwich close to his chest. Muffled voices soon followed and Fatty looked at Rowen for orders.
"Hide!" Rowen harshly whispered and they both led to the only door available, hoping it would lead somewhere useful.
"Dude, we're in a pantry..."
"Shut up!" A swinging door creaked open swiftly, allowing three entities to enter the kitchen. One plopped on an unstable $9.99 barstool while the other two leaned against the filthy counter.
"If Talpa calls us down again just so he can tell that joke again, I'm going to kill him," the first voice grumbled.
"I thought the punchline was rather clever..."
"Shut up Cale. 'Why don't aliens eat clowns? Cause they taste funny' is NOT clever."
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHHEHE" happily squealed a deranged Sekhmet.
Dais sighed and opened the fridge. Then closed it. Then opened it again. "Where is my salami?"
Inside the dark pantry, only dots of light through the wicker were available for Kento to make sure Rowen was glaring at him. He shrugged in return.
"Where is my goddamn $15.56 per pound SALAMI?!" Dais shrieked, receiving a blank stare from Sekhmet. "This was the LAST Hickory Smoked with a touch of Brown Sugar made from HAPPY COWS IN PISA, ITALY SALAMI FROM SUPER WALMART!"
Cale tossed a glance over his shoulder as he walked towards the stove. "Stop your whining. I'm sure you can find your stupid salami online—OH MY GOD!!!!!!!"
Sekhmet changed his blank stare to Cale, who met his gaze. "The piece of cake your mom made is gone," whimpered Cale.
:blink:
"IT'S GONE!!! WHERE THE FUUUUUCK DID IT GO??!?!"
Kento smirked and gave Rowen a mockingly nasty look. Suddenly, his face grew cold and he carried an alarmed expression.
:pfffffssssttttttbbblllgggg:
Rowen showed the most fearful look.
Dais was about to laugh at Cale's outcome, but heard an odd noise radiating from behind the pantry door. He leaned in closer towards the white door, hoping to hear it again.
Rowen and Kento saw his shadow come across the door. Rowen took a sharp intake of breath, but regretted it quickly. He slammed his hand over his mouth and nose. Kento offered a weak smile.
With his head so close to the door, Dais got hit first.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT OF A COW'S ANUS! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!" he screamed, then gagged violently.
Being the dufus he is, Sekhmet also leaned in curiously, but soon began coughing and spitting, then jogging out of the kitchen.
Cale was smart enough not to go near there.
"IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! And...And MUSTARD!"
Furious, Dais went to yank open the door, recoiling a few times in sheer disgust. Once his hand laid on the small wooden knob, a loud voice echoed through the P.A. system.
"WARLORDS!" Talpa yelled unnecessarily. "I got the best joke to tell you! Teehehehehe! You gotta come quick! Oh hell I forgot it...No wait! I got it! Hhehehehhehehhehe :SNORT:"
Dais cursed and stormed out of the stinky room, Cale followed him equally peeved.
Once they were out the door, Rowen crashed through the wicker door, gasping for air. Kento exited a bit sheepishly. "Heh, you would think the armor would keep it locked inside or something...Aww man I got mustard on my armor..." Kento sadly commented, then taking a bit on his finger and licking it. "Mmm...zesty."
~~~
Sage had been wandering around the dismal halls of the dynasty castle for ..well he wasn't wearing his watch so he didn't know exactly HOW long, but it probably was quite a while. Lolling his head forward in sheer boredom, he gathered up his nerve and decided to open a door. He was starting to get a notion that this endless corridor was one of Dais' illusions, that and it just seemed like a damn good idea at the time.
Anyways, he calmly walked over to the first door on his left and deftly reached a hand out. The slim armoured fingers wrapped carefully around the brass knob, and with deadly precision his wrist flicked to the right. Upon hearing the soft click of the lock, he pushed the door with even strength just enough so he could slip in, then proceeded to ever-so-carefully shut it with his deadly, cat-like dexterity. Feeling his hand up the inside wall, his hand came into contact with the light switch. Gathering up all his courage, despite the gnawing pit of fear growing in his stomach, he flicked the light on.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Pain.
Agony.
Anguish.
This was too much for the poor boy to handle. Nothing Sage had ever experienced in his entire life had prepared him for this.
His eyes burned in their sockets, the searing pang painfully evident even though his eyes were now clamped shut. A large lump was in his throat, constricting the air, yet this did nothing to cease the endless shrieks of sheer horror. His fingers clawed at the floor, vainly trying to dig a hole to somewhere--anywhere but this single room. He wanted to flee, to run home to his mommy and cry, but his legs wouldn't register with his brain's pleas.
~~~
Cale trudged vindictively along the hallway, pissed that his cake was gone. He had a sneaking suspicion that the magical fridge fairies were doing this as comeback for forgetting to leave his nightly offering of dried prunes and sour cream. If only Master Talpa hadn't called them away for another one of his "Hey look it's Hariel's armour of Inferno" practical jokes, then maybe he could've made it up to them somehow. Feeling the side of his neck cramp up, he headed towards his bedchamber, ready for a little snooze. Dais' illusions were keeping the Ronin's occupied, and Master Talpa was probably still busy giggling to himself, so no one would notice...
"YEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!"
~~~
"That was really fricking lame," Dais muttered to an agreeing Sehkmet as the two left Talpa's throne room.
"He's been doing that 'Hey look, it's Hariel's Armour of Inferno' practical joke every month for the past 120 years. Not even my jokes are that bad..."
Just then an ear-splitting scream flooded the hall, causing both Warlords to tense up and promptly dash towards the sickeningly familiar sound.
Dais whipped around the final corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Sehkmet managed to come to a halt close behind him, and strained his neck to see what Dais was openly gaping at.
It was Sage.
Lying prone on the bed.
On his stomach, in a rather vulnerable position.
And there was Cale.
Hovering over him.
...
...
"OH MY GOD YOU FAG!" Dais shrieked, jumped back into a startled snake-boy.
Cale went red. "It wasn't... I didn't... It is NOT what it seems!"
Sehk's face was blank. "Cale, we knew you weren't into women in 'that way', but to Halo!?"
Dais, head in his hands, continued to rant. "I cannot BELIEVE you would do something like that! I mean...how...why....how...ARGH!"
Cale shook the unconscious figure frantically, hoping the Ronin would wake up and explain the situation. Cale had just opened the door to his room to find the body here.
The granny-haired cyclops brutally shoved Cale into the wall and stormed across the room. Facing Cale, wrath visibly seeping out of his body, he stooped down. "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE MY SILK UNDERWEAR IN YOUR ROOM?!"
"Ugh.."
Sage stirred, being torn out of what he thought was the afterlife to come back into his horrid surroundings. Snapping his eyes open, in was met with the same disgusting-ness on the bed as it viewed before.
Pink.
Pink sheets.
Not only pink but... but... Britney Spears printed.
Britney Spears everywhere.
Mary Kate and Ashley posters.
Marky Mark and the funky bunch boombox.
...Sleepover Skipper!
Eyes glazed over in terror, he backed away from the bed and into a dresser. "AH!" he screamed. The impact had knocked over an object into his lap. Hollywood Hair Barbie.
Crawling over to Sekhmet, Sage clung to his leg, begging for him to kill him to end this torment. The entire room was pink. The floor was littered with puffy 60's style flower pillows. Dear god, there was even the entire set of New Kids On The Block dolls on a shelf. This was hell.
Sehk gave him a curious look. "Well shit, I thought you would've figured that Cale is a pansy."
"I AM NOT A PANSY!"
"Shut up, pansy. Anyways, Talpa gave us orders to capture you so he can absorb you or something... I dunno, don't ask..."
Getting all heroic again, Sage backed away.
"...so if you don't come nicely, Cale'll bring out his early 90's dating board game, starring Vanilla Ice," an evil smile spread across the warlord's face, "Or if you like, you can get JTT."
"NO!" Sage cried, throwing himself to the ground in a fit of tears, "NOT THAT! I'll do what you say!"
They three laughed maliciously.
~~~
Amariie flattened down White Blaze's wiry fur a bit while her butt proceeded to grow numb from sitting on the rough ground a while. She gave Rain a glance and yawned. "Sooo what're we supposed to now?"
After giving the hottie her latest blatantly obvious smile, she looked towards 'arrie. "Hell if I know. Yo 'Nubis. Explain the whole 'plot twist' thing. How'd you get free from the dungeon?"
Anubis looked towards the ground for a moment before meeting her gaze. "Well..."
~woobly flashba-
"Whoa wait! What's with the unnecessary watery flashback mode?? It's ruining the mood! " he shot a glare to some silent being in the sky.
~woobly fl-
"NO! That makes me wanna throw up every time I see it," Rain moaned while holding her stomach.
~woo-
Amariie crossed her arms. "Why doesn't he just, like, say what happened instead of the flashback mode? We've already had, like, :counts fingers: six so far. They must cost a lot, I saw some documentary on 80's anime shows and they said that an average woobly flashback mode on a slow day is estimated at, like, $10,000 which I find HIGHLY stupid cause it could be put to important stuff like starving kids in Afri-"
:Neo throws her shoe at Amariie's forehead, knocking her unconscious:
~WOOBLY FUCKING FLASHBACK MODE!! DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH MY CHOICE OF FUCKING STORYTELLING METHODS???? ...k thanks.~
Anubis struggled unenthusiastically against the sticky snot-like arms of the Nether lava goop stuff. He slightly bounced around, trying to rip off one slop while another pulled at his hair. He could easily sense El Roninos near Talpa's front door and about to cross the threshold. Carrot Top gave one final yank and began sinking deeper into the fluorescent pool.
"Anubis..." a voice purred through his mind.
The said warlord opened his eyes wearily, tired from fighting for so long.
"Anuuuubisss..." it repeated, more persistent.
"Mmmm?" Anubis, well, mmmed.
"Annnnuuubbiiisssssss..."
Trying to keep his head above the sticky liquid. "Whaa?"
"Annuuubb-"
"WHAT DAMMIT?!"
The voice hesitated, apparently started. "Oh, sorry, couldn't hear you in the goop. This is Bob the Ancient. Yeah, well, I recently crossed to the other side and it sucks. There's no tiki bar with those really yummy pina coladas with the lil cherries and cute paper umbrellas. So I came back to rescue your sorry ass. :cracking knuckles heard: Ya might wanna get ready," the deep voice said casually.
Anubis raised an eyebrow. "Ready for wh-"
:WHOOSH:
Without realizing it, the entire Nether pool was divided as if a powerful gust of wind had blown through even though there was no evidence of it. In the middle of the split, standing on the recently dry ground was the Ancient.
"Moses ain't got nothin' on me."
~Later~
In a random darkened tunnel Anubis leaned over slightly, trying to keep a look out for enemies and so the nasty cobwebs wouldn't get in his hair. In front of him stood the Ancient, a bit transparent with a hint of a blue glow, but in tact anyways.
"Take off your armor," he said authoritatively.
Giving the all-wise, all-knowing elder a sideways glance, he forced his armor off of him and stood in the chilled air in his Joe Boxers. He almost hinted an amusing smile from the one before him.
"Lollipop underwear?"
Anubis half-turned away, as if that would cause him to go invisible. "Mommy gave them to me..."
Bob only smiled compassionately and then held his hands out to Anubis. Not knowing what to do, Anubis thought he was asking for a hug. Then in the Ancient's arms appeared his clothes and hat. Anubis' eyes grew wide for an instant as he touched the now quite tangible clothing. He raised his eyes to Bob, now sporting an unbuttoned Hawaiian surf shirt, board shorts, and dark sunglasses.
Not giving Anubis the chance to diss his fashion knowledge, he said, "You are now the new Ancient and I finally get a damn vacation."
Anubis half-laughed in disbelief but took the clothes and hat. Bob lowered his arms and turned on his heel. He gave a wave over his shoulder and proceeded to walk down the tunnel as he began to dissipate. "Damned shorts are riding my ass," he muttered while picking a wedgie.
Still holding the clothes in his hand, Anubis sort of blankly watched Bob's image disappear and without warning whatsoever, a large white/gold light shot forth in front of him, materializing into the Ancient's golden staff. After the light died, Anubis placed his right hand around the staff, feeling a strangely warm sensation. He then quickly dressed in the ancient attire and began jogging down the tunnel in search of the Ronins. "I wonder if I'll get hazard pay for this."
~End woobly flashback mode...See? Wasn't too bad.~
The wind blew a bit harder as Anubis ended his amazing escape...well rescue. White Blaze rolled over on the hard ground and wiggled a bit, trying to relieve the annoying itch in his back.
After prying her eyes from Anubis, Rain leaned backwards a bit. "Lollipop boxers?"
Blushing madly, Anubis adverted his gaze to Amariie, pleading for help. She only gave him an exasperated look. "Oh fer god's sake...I'm bored out of my immortal soul. Let's go save someone or something," Amariie said while lifting herself off the ground.
Rain followed her lead, still giving the red-head a slight smirk. Anubis used his Ancient's staff to pull himself up and smoothed out the wrinkles in his skirt...kilt...thing...He then checked his non-existent watch and stole a glance to the sun.
After receiving a few blank stares, he muttered, "It's about time to go in," and strolled quite nonchalantly towards the previously locked big red gate with Amariie, Rain, and White Blaze following in his wake.
~~~
Rowen and Kento had made their way through parts of the castle and had arrived in an outside area that resembled a highly unkept garden. Dying trees stretched as in agony and weeds overtook the area. A small but thick Japanese wall surrounded it with only one door. Kento began walking towards the opposite door across the garden but suddenly the entire place turned ink black. Japanese feudal-style armored statues softly appear into sight.
"We just HAD to go this way, huh? Couldn't we have just stayed in the kitchen with the foooood!?" Kento whined to Rowen, who was ready to armor up.
"Shuttap. Let's armor up. Something's not right..."
"Well DUH! There's a buncha statues THAT JUST HAPPEN TA APPEAR FROM NOWHERE!" Kento was officially freaking out.
"Armor of Strata! Tao Inochi!" Rowen bellowed.
"Ok FINE! Armor of Hard Rock! Tao gi!"
The two stood back to back once they noticed the statues had surrounded them completely. Rowen's slowly unhooked his bow and removed it from his back while Kento had no clue what was going on. As usual.
The statues became solid as a voice appeared. Well not appeared. More like invisibly arrived. Like a voice would. Or something. Yeah. "Prepare yourself!!"
Rowen looked confused for once. "What the hell? Since when do we have a narrator?"
"I am NOT a narrator. Do I SOUND like Walter Kronkite to you?" the voice responded.
Kento looked around at the empty sky, as if he expected to see some guy in a John Deere Hat in the clouds with a megaphone. "Then who are you?"
":ahem: THE VOICE."
Rowen scowled. "Well how come you warned us now but in the 70,000 times we've been attacked before, you didn't say a word!? HUH!?"
THE VOICE, obviously startled, went silent for a moment. No one had ever defied THE VOICE. "I don't have to answer that," it finally said stubbornly.
Before Smart-Ass Rowen got in another word, THE VOICE's prediction cam true and of all peeps, Dais burst through one of the statues. Caught off guard, the duo ran towards him, but as they did, two more Daises...Daisi...(GODDAMIT. THE PLURAL FORM OF DAIS INSERT HERE) exploded from two other statues. A shocked Rowen turned to try to fight them off while Kento slammed his staff across the first one's shoulder. More Warlords of Illusions came from all the statues and soon both Ronins had way too much to handle.
"They've cloned him!" Kento yelled unintelligently from across the garden.
A loud sigh soared across the loud fights. "Kento it's an illusion! Only one of them is really Dais! We gotta find out which!"
"Mind if I ask HOW THE HELL DO WE DO THAT?!"
Rowen shoved Dais #23 out of his way and pushed his back to the wall. "DUCK!"
Kento immediately hit the ground, tripping a few Daises for the hell of it on the way, and covered his helmet.
"ARROW SHOCK WAVE!"
The entire vicinity burned with a blue light, nearly shaking the ground. When the familiar sonic boom faded, Kento looked up to see only one Dais on one knee.
"NOW KENTO!" Rowen yelled.
Kento leapt up and ran towards Dais at unawares. "Go find Ryo!" he managed to yell right before he slammed into Dais' chest. The ground suddenly opened up beneath their feet and the duo began to fall. Kento clutched Dais like a ragdoll as they fell.
"FUUUUUUCKK!!" was the last thing Rowen heard from Kento's mouth before his buddy was gone from sight. He knew he couldn't linger there, so he wished Kento well and took off running through the convenient new door in the wall he created seconds earlier.
~~~
"I SWEAR we passed this crack in the wall before... I think we're lost," Cye stated to his dark haired companion.
"No we aren't."
"Yes we bloody are!"
Ryo bristled. "Dude! We so are not!" Just to act even more childish, he crossed his arms and snapped his head away from Cye. Only to see the words 'Ryo was here' carved into a doorframe. Shit.
Cye rolled his eyes and snatched the booklet out of fictional pocket-like slit in Ryo's armoured torso and flipped through the coupons for snack food until he came to the map of the castle. It's a good thing Cye taxed it from the information kiosk at the entrance of the castle or they would have been really screwed. Like they haven't been wandering around hallways for hours... psht, men. "Ok, we passed the waterslide and the carousel... so we're about... here!" he announced triumphantly, pointing to a spot on the map.
Unbeknownst to the Ronins, but they were currently located at a designated trap zone. Those Netherworld fiends didn't even mark it on the map... crafty buggers.
Anyways...
Ryo and Cye continued walking, with a small bit of false reassurance, when they came upon THE HALL OF DOORS. And just to piss on their corn flakes even more, the corridor behind them was now blocked by a wall, so they couldn't get back to where they were.
"Ah shit," Cye murmured, wondering what they should do. Well, I mean, they obviously KNEW they had to try to doors, but they didn't want to, and so they were caught in this procrastination thang... like when you know you have to study for an exam but 'Clean Sweep' is on TV, and you have that package of crescent rolls in the freezer and people are messaging you in MSN...
~Neo: Get on with it Lag.
Lagomorph:.... sorry~
Ryo reached for the first door on his left and paused. Suddenly, THE VOICE appeared again.
THE VOICE: "Our two heroes are trying to find their friends, but have come across the treacherous HALL OF DOORS. To get through you need to 'Break on through'..."
"Oh shut the hell up!" Ryo burst out in annoyance.
"FINE THEN, FUCKERS! I was just gonna tell ya how to get out of here, but you two can just go screw some llamas!" and with that, THE VOICE went silent.
Cye groaned and shot an acid glare at Ryo. "Great..."
Also feeling incredibly screwed, Ryo shook his head and turned the doorknob.
"FRESH MEAT!"
::SLAM::
"Holy shit...I think I just crapped my pants..." Ryo heaved, leaning heavily against the door, which he just slammed into a large demon with a blood-stained apron.
Cye cautiously opened a door on the other side of the hall. A thunderous roar rushed to their ears and Cye peered in. A wide field, littered with dead bodies (of humans and... unhuman things), rubble and small fires. Oh yeah, and there was a huge-ass war going on against some sort of castle. Suddenly, a loud chant echoed through the populace. "GROND. GROND. GROND..."
::SLAM::
Ryo went for another door and opened it. To his surprise, no demons were there! In fact... there was... talking... food. An old looking celery with a moustache and a pirate hat turned towards him. "Let the sillyness begin!" In a singsong voice, he (presumably) began. "Veggie Ta..."
Ryo rolled his eyes "No time for you , fruitcake!"
"I'm a VEGETABLE! Not a FRUIT!" a tomato protested.
::SLAM::
Cye, judging by the turn of events that it was now his turn, opened a door. A blast of black snow fluttered into the hall. Cye took a deep breath and looked in. A large flying machine was hovering in the air inside the room, producing the black snow. Suddenly a thing came running towards Cye. It looked like a two-headed robot...
"I am Multi-Bot."
"AHHHH!"
::SLAM::
Ryo and Cye, now feeling frantic and VERY frightened, began pulling open doors, but every door they opened was just bad scary things... like being in Bowser's dungeon (oh yes, the bridge over lava), or even worse, the Ottawa Senators dressing room.
Finally, after hours of door slamming, they came to the end of the HALL OF DOORS. Two doors remained. The door on the left had a piece of cheap paper towel taped to it, with the words "THE WRONG WAY" written in blood. The door on the left had a mahogany plaque on it with a frilly gold pattern around the edges, and with perfect calligraphy, had "The Right Way" etched into it.
Ryo shot his arm out, preventing Cye from advancing towards "The Right Way". "Using logical deduction, my dear Cye, I have thus discovered that which is seems right, cannot obviously be right, and therefore is wrong. So you see, that exit is 'The Wrong Way'. Therefore, I conclude that 'The Wrong Way' is actually the right way." He then nonchalantly pulled out a pipe from that non-existent pocket and took a long pull. Then choked his lungs out. What an idiot.
Cye raised an eyebrow "...then again, you always say "elementary"... and you were never really good in elementary school, were you Ryo?"
"...shuttup Cye..." Ryo muttered, and, ripping the paper towel off the door, opened it.
This room appeared to be an office, and to their astonishment, had two figures chatting in it, facing each other and sitting perpendicular to the door. One was an older man with an accent and the other one was.... Cale?!
The old man thoughtfully scratched his chin. "Vell, vat you should do iz quite simple." Cale leaned forward in anticipation, waiting for the old man to continue. "Kill you father and marry your mother."
Cale's face went blank. "What?! All I wanted to know was what I should do about my cake that was eaten!"
"Cale, do you not zee? The cake zat was eaten is symbolic of the lust you have for your mother."
"... well ok." Cale snapped around when he heard the distinct sound of two people giggling. It was Ryo and Cye! He had to kick their asses before anyone found out about this... Dais still hasn't let him forget about that 'thing' that went on between him and Flossy the playful sheep.
Cye stopped giggling just in time to see Cale lunge at them. Noting the murder in his opponent's eyes, he drew his trident and leapt in front of Ryo, blocking Cale's swords. "Ryo! Take the other door and find the others! I'll hold this 'Momma's boy' off!" Cye called back, trying hard not to crack a smile.
Ryo nodded and dashed off (through the right door this time) and hence exited the HALL OF DOORS.
...To be continued!
DISCLAIMER: Neo's doing this disclaimer! Oh boy, this is gonna be long...We, I repeat, Lagomorph and myself, Neo, do NOT own: Veggie Tales (Thank the great gods above for that one), Blackadder, Pina Coladas with lil cherries and paper umbrellas, Heavy Arms or anything else from Gundam, pot (well we do we just won't tell you), the Escaflowne cast (although I'm getting Van for Laggy for her 21st bday), $9.99 bar stools, kilts, the Ottawa Senator's dressing room, Moses, the 90s dating game starring Vanilla Ice, Lollipop Undies, Diablo, Lord of the Rings, Sigmund Freud, $15.56 per pound Hickory Smoked with a touch of Brown Sugar Salami made from Happy Cows in Pisa, Italy from Super-Walmart, Zesty Mustard, Multi-Bot from She-Ra, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Boom Box, Sleepover Skipper, Hollywood Hair Barbie, Mario, Pink Britney Spears printed bed sheets, Mary-Kate and Ashley posters, New Kids On The Block Dolls, aaaaand the end song from Rurouni Kenshin. Oh and don't sue us cause we bite and there's a good chance one or both of us has rabies.
Chapter 16
'Well this certainly does suck', Sage thought darkly as he scanned his surroundings. Typical dungeon. The crumbly stonewalls, slimy moss adorning the floors and the occasional spider web just to add to the ambiance - real peachy setting for the Warrior of Light. After grumbling some more and pulling his sore carcass to his feet, he slowly started to explore. After a while he noticed that at the far end of the chamber there was a rusty iron door. Grasping the fleeting moment of hope before it reared it's legged and kicked him in the face, Sage charged to the door and heaved on it with the entirety of his body weight. Errp, no good. The thing wouldn't budge. He tried a few more times, but still to no avail. He tried to melt the door with some 'choice words' he recently learned from Kento's 'extensive vocabulary', but that didn't work either. Backing off a bit, Sage thought of a plan. Oh yes, it was good. A plan so utterly cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
Stepping forward he reached out and turned the handle, then proceeded down the now-accessible corridor.
~~~ Rowen had been walking for a while now. He had arrived in a small room with a narrow door nearly twenty minutes ago. Well it could have been hours ago and he wouldn't have known it due to...well...lack of a watch. All he cared about was getting out and finding Amariie. Was he really caring that much about her? His heart beat a bit faster when he thought of her (yaddah yaddah yaddah). Anyways, back to him being alone in a dungeon with his very life in jeopardy like a snail about to be pounced upon by a playful kitten...hmm bad analogy. His feet were beginning to turn sore when he saw a shadow moving around ahead of him. If only there was a bit more light, he'd be a bit more comforted. The shadow moved towards him and stopped its movement about ten feet away.
Rowen was ready for the worst when the shadow said quite loudly, "Come on, Dynasty trash! Gimme what you got!"
Blue boy sighed. "Good to see you too, Kento."
Kento came closer and saw it was Ro-chan. "Ro! How's it going? I've been walking around here forEVER now and I'm hung-"
Rowen saw movement to his left and quickly turned to find a door with a single flickering candle above it. Did he see a door before?
He followed Rowen's gaze. "Alright, a way out! Come on!" Kento urged as he started walking towards it.
Rowen grabbed his elbow and pulled him back, which was difficult. "Wait. That door wasn't there before. Something's wrong."
For a moment Kento looked serious, but then he grinned widely. "Come on, Rowen, don't be a pussy. It's the only way out of this hellhole. Do you wanna walk around here for the rest of your life or not?"
Rowen glanced back at the door and sighed. "I suppose we can try it. But don't say I didn't warn you," he said to Kento, letting go of his grip on him.
Kento smiled a bit and walked to the door. He laid his armored hand on the handle as Rowen came to his left side. Giving one final glance to his buddy and a decreasingly confident grin, Kento opened the door to see only black.
~~~ After the suspiciously sudden appearance of light, Ryo and Cye cautiously strolled down the passage. Soon after, they came across a large chamber, and inside it there seemed to be a big armour...thing. Curiosity getting the best of them, the duo crept forwards to inspect this armour, and to their surprise, it seemed to be large. Very large, in-fact, and strange looking. It was red and orange, with green eyes slits in the helmet and a large, VERY large...gatlin?!
Ryo's head snapped to Cye's direction, eyes shining with sudden recognition and the happiness of a school boy catching a glimpse down his school teacher's blouse. "Dude! It's a gundam!"
Cye shrieked with glee as he climbed the monstrosity. Typing a complex code that he would have no idea of knowing into the small concealed panel he would have no chance of finding, the cockpit slowly opened and Cye hopped in. "Thank you Trowa!" he giggled, smiling as the cockpit lit up and main screen started to initiate battle sequences.
This was too cool.
"I see we have found Heavy Arms, Ronins," the raspy and ridiculously...large Demon Overlord mused, standing tall in the large opening of the secret hanger they appeared to be in. Yes, and may be emphasize that this opening was LARGE. Talpa was LARGE. See what drinking milk does to ya kids?
Mega-Talpa stepped forward, his giant metal foot crushing the floor beneath it and sending up a pleasantly destructive-looking dust cloud as well. Cye, giddy to rev this puppy up, whipped the gatlin gun around and opened fire. Ryo, not wanting his tiny ass to become powered pancake mix, wisely backed off to the side to watch the duel beside a sulking Van-sama, evidently miffed that he was stuck with a mecha that sucked his blood instead of a gatlin gun. "Hmph, I could've kicked Allen's ass if I had a beam gatlin. I AM king after all..."
Talpa used one of the numerous swords of his back to block Trowa-err Cye's shots (yes, Talpa has his body. Don't ask.) and charged the festive-looking mecha in-order to prohibit Cye from using the gun. Talpa swung hard, yet released the gatlin and flipped up the military knife to block it, using the head vulcans to knock the Dynasty ruler back. With a swift elbow to the presumed ribs and bringing the military knife down with vehemence, Cye sliced Talpa's metal body in two, blue gas seeping out of it like no tomorrow. Cye stepped back to admire the carnage, raising two armoured fingers in a victory pose before pulling himself out of the cockpit and using the tethered cord to descend gracefully to the ground.
No, actually none of that really happened. Don't smoke pot kids...
~~~ With the sudden appearance of light, the red and sky blue Ronins readied for battle, hell-bent on not falling (literally) to unawares again.
"Ryo, which way?" Cye queried, suspiciously eyeing both directions of the now alit corridor. They were totally lost, and those yellow-bellied bastards probably had some other trap up their sleeves... which was not good.
Ryo heaved a sigh and brushed a hand over the freckles he didn't have. "I think we should go right. I mean, right is always right! ha..."
"Not cool, man..."
~~~ Kento cautiously stepped forward into the darkness with Rowen uncomfortably close behind. "Yo, back the hell off. I can smell your breath and you need a damn tic ta—WHOA!" Kento yelled as he tripped over a foreign arm grabbing at his leg. "GET IT OFF MEEEEE!!!!"
Rowen furiously tried to find some aid for his comrade by flailing his arms around for some stability since Kento was snatching annoyingly at his ankles. His finger felt an odd shaped snag on the wall. He poked it and the room filled with light. After dragging his eyes away from the light switch on the plastered egg-colored wall, yes even with the ugly textured bumps with painted on flowers, plants, and the occasional blue jay, he saw Kento on the ground struggling with a fallen mop still half-way in a bucket. "And you call me a pussy, pussy," he remarked smiling.
"Fuck you."
Kento pushed his big ass up to find himself in...a kitchen.
"SCORE!"
Rowen half-ass tried to stop Kento from running off, but it was all too in vain. He was too amazed to sigh. How the hell did they just happen to find a kitchen. "This is way to off. What if we were in some sort of illusion the entire time? And we found a loophole?" he softly said to himself, already knowing Kento didn't give a crap.
The kitchen was adorned in a sort of college dorm meets Neo's kitchen sort of way. Crummy dishes stacked high in the small sink, stains were all over the counter, a slight smell of burnt macaroni floated in the air, and in the middle of it all was a beautiful four layered quadruple chocolate cake with fudge icing, a cherry, and rainbow sprinkles sitting on a paper plate. Rowen saw Kento had passed it with no thought and was currently raiding the fridge. His stomach growled angrily. None of them had had a decent meal since this whole fiasco began. Not caring about proper manners or utensils, Rowen grabbed the slice with his armored hand and ate it as fast as he could.
"So do ya think we're in Talpa's castle or something? Oooh! Salami! I'm making me a sandwich. I think this cheese is okay. It's got some moldy spots but hey, cheese is mold, right?" Kento babbled with his head in the fridge as Rowen licked a sticky finger.
"Maybe Dais was doing his illusions and got sidetracked or something, causing this :chew: part of the illusion to :swallow: fade," he offered logically while Kento balanced a large sandwich in his hand.
Quick and loud footsteps sharply appeared. Rowen gulped the last of the cake and Kento squeezed his sandwich close to his chest. Muffled voices soon followed and Fatty looked at Rowen for orders.
"Hide!" Rowen harshly whispered and they both led to the only door available, hoping it would lead somewhere useful.
"Dude, we're in a pantry..."
"Shut up!" A swinging door creaked open swiftly, allowing three entities to enter the kitchen. One plopped on an unstable $9.99 barstool while the other two leaned against the filthy counter.
"If Talpa calls us down again just so he can tell that joke again, I'm going to kill him," the first voice grumbled.
"I thought the punchline was rather clever..."
"Shut up Cale. 'Why don't aliens eat clowns? Cause they taste funny' is NOT clever."
"HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEHHEHE" happily squealed a deranged Sekhmet.
Dais sighed and opened the fridge. Then closed it. Then opened it again. "Where is my salami?"
Inside the dark pantry, only dots of light through the wicker were available for Kento to make sure Rowen was glaring at him. He shrugged in return.
"Where is my goddamn $15.56 per pound SALAMI?!" Dais shrieked, receiving a blank stare from Sekhmet. "This was the LAST Hickory Smoked with a touch of Brown Sugar made from HAPPY COWS IN PISA, ITALY SALAMI FROM SUPER WALMART!"
Cale tossed a glance over his shoulder as he walked towards the stove. "Stop your whining. I'm sure you can find your stupid salami online—OH MY GOD!!!!!!!"
Sekhmet changed his blank stare to Cale, who met his gaze. "The piece of cake your mom made is gone," whimpered Cale.
:blink:
"IT'S GONE!!! WHERE THE FUUUUUCK DID IT GO??!?!"
Kento smirked and gave Rowen a mockingly nasty look. Suddenly, his face grew cold and he carried an alarmed expression.
:pfffffssssttttttbbblllgggg:
Rowen showed the most fearful look.
Dais was about to laugh at Cale's outcome, but heard an odd noise radiating from behind the pantry door. He leaned in closer towards the white door, hoping to hear it again.
Rowen and Kento saw his shadow come across the door. Rowen took a sharp intake of breath, but regretted it quickly. He slammed his hand over his mouth and nose. Kento offered a weak smile.
With his head so close to the door, Dais got hit first.
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT OF A COW'S ANUS! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!" he screamed, then gagged violently.
Being the dufus he is, Sekhmet also leaned in curiously, but soon began coughing and spitting, then jogging out of the kitchen.
Cale was smart enough not to go near there.
"IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT! And...And MUSTARD!"
Furious, Dais went to yank open the door, recoiling a few times in sheer disgust. Once his hand laid on the small wooden knob, a loud voice echoed through the P.A. system.
"WARLORDS!" Talpa yelled unnecessarily. "I got the best joke to tell you! Teehehehehe! You gotta come quick! Oh hell I forgot it...No wait! I got it! Hhehehehhehehhehe :SNORT:"
Dais cursed and stormed out of the stinky room, Cale followed him equally peeved.
Once they were out the door, Rowen crashed through the wicker door, gasping for air. Kento exited a bit sheepishly. "Heh, you would think the armor would keep it locked inside or something...Aww man I got mustard on my armor..." Kento sadly commented, then taking a bit on his finger and licking it. "Mmm...zesty."
~~~
Sage had been wandering around the dismal halls of the dynasty castle for ..well he wasn't wearing his watch so he didn't know exactly HOW long, but it probably was quite a while. Lolling his head forward in sheer boredom, he gathered up his nerve and decided to open a door. He was starting to get a notion that this endless corridor was one of Dais' illusions, that and it just seemed like a damn good idea at the time.
Anyways, he calmly walked over to the first door on his left and deftly reached a hand out. The slim armoured fingers wrapped carefully around the brass knob, and with deadly precision his wrist flicked to the right. Upon hearing the soft click of the lock, he pushed the door with even strength just enough so he could slip in, then proceeded to ever-so-carefully shut it with his deadly, cat-like dexterity. Feeling his hand up the inside wall, his hand came into contact with the light switch. Gathering up all his courage, despite the gnawing pit of fear growing in his stomach, he flicked the light on.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Pain.
Agony.
Anguish.
This was too much for the poor boy to handle. Nothing Sage had ever experienced in his entire life had prepared him for this.
His eyes burned in their sockets, the searing pang painfully evident even though his eyes were now clamped shut. A large lump was in his throat, constricting the air, yet this did nothing to cease the endless shrieks of sheer horror. His fingers clawed at the floor, vainly trying to dig a hole to somewhere--anywhere but this single room. He wanted to flee, to run home to his mommy and cry, but his legs wouldn't register with his brain's pleas.
~~~
Cale trudged vindictively along the hallway, pissed that his cake was gone. He had a sneaking suspicion that the magical fridge fairies were doing this as comeback for forgetting to leave his nightly offering of dried prunes and sour cream. If only Master Talpa hadn't called them away for another one of his "Hey look it's Hariel's armour of Inferno" practical jokes, then maybe he could've made it up to them somehow. Feeling the side of his neck cramp up, he headed towards his bedchamber, ready for a little snooze. Dais' illusions were keeping the Ronin's occupied, and Master Talpa was probably still busy giggling to himself, so no one would notice...
"YEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!"
~~~
"That was really fricking lame," Dais muttered to an agreeing Sehkmet as the two left Talpa's throne room.
"He's been doing that 'Hey look, it's Hariel's Armour of Inferno' practical joke every month for the past 120 years. Not even my jokes are that bad..."
Just then an ear-splitting scream flooded the hall, causing both Warlords to tense up and promptly dash towards the sickeningly familiar sound.
Dais whipped around the final corner and stopped dead in his tracks. Sehkmet managed to come to a halt close behind him, and strained his neck to see what Dais was openly gaping at.
It was Sage.
Lying prone on the bed.
On his stomach, in a rather vulnerable position.
And there was Cale.
Hovering over him.
...
...
"OH MY GOD YOU FAG!" Dais shrieked, jumped back into a startled snake-boy.
Cale went red. "It wasn't... I didn't... It is NOT what it seems!"
Sehk's face was blank. "Cale, we knew you weren't into women in 'that way', but to Halo!?"
Dais, head in his hands, continued to rant. "I cannot BELIEVE you would do something like that! I mean...how...why....how...ARGH!"
Cale shook the unconscious figure frantically, hoping the Ronin would wake up and explain the situation. Cale had just opened the door to his room to find the body here.
The granny-haired cyclops brutally shoved Cale into the wall and stormed across the room. Facing Cale, wrath visibly seeping out of his body, he stooped down. "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE MY SILK UNDERWEAR IN YOUR ROOM?!"
"Ugh.."
Sage stirred, being torn out of what he thought was the afterlife to come back into his horrid surroundings. Snapping his eyes open, in was met with the same disgusting-ness on the bed as it viewed before.
Pink.
Pink sheets.
Not only pink but... but... Britney Spears printed.
Britney Spears everywhere.
Mary Kate and Ashley posters.
Marky Mark and the funky bunch boombox.
...Sleepover Skipper!
Eyes glazed over in terror, he backed away from the bed and into a dresser. "AH!" he screamed. The impact had knocked over an object into his lap. Hollywood Hair Barbie.
Crawling over to Sekhmet, Sage clung to his leg, begging for him to kill him to end this torment. The entire room was pink. The floor was littered with puffy 60's style flower pillows. Dear god, there was even the entire set of New Kids On The Block dolls on a shelf. This was hell.
Sehk gave him a curious look. "Well shit, I thought you would've figured that Cale is a pansy."
"I AM NOT A PANSY!"
"Shut up, pansy. Anyways, Talpa gave us orders to capture you so he can absorb you or something... I dunno, don't ask..."
Getting all heroic again, Sage backed away.
"...so if you don't come nicely, Cale'll bring out his early 90's dating board game, starring Vanilla Ice," an evil smile spread across the warlord's face, "Or if you like, you can get JTT."
"NO!" Sage cried, throwing himself to the ground in a fit of tears, "NOT THAT! I'll do what you say!"
They three laughed maliciously.
~~~
Amariie flattened down White Blaze's wiry fur a bit while her butt proceeded to grow numb from sitting on the rough ground a while. She gave Rain a glance and yawned. "Sooo what're we supposed to now?"
After giving the hottie her latest blatantly obvious smile, she looked towards 'arrie. "Hell if I know. Yo 'Nubis. Explain the whole 'plot twist' thing. How'd you get free from the dungeon?"
Anubis looked towards the ground for a moment before meeting her gaze. "Well..."
~woobly flashba-
"Whoa wait! What's with the unnecessary watery flashback mode?? It's ruining the mood! " he shot a glare to some silent being in the sky.
~woobly fl-
"NO! That makes me wanna throw up every time I see it," Rain moaned while holding her stomach.
~woo-
Amariie crossed her arms. "Why doesn't he just, like, say what happened instead of the flashback mode? We've already had, like, :counts fingers: six so far. They must cost a lot, I saw some documentary on 80's anime shows and they said that an average woobly flashback mode on a slow day is estimated at, like, $10,000 which I find HIGHLY stupid cause it could be put to important stuff like starving kids in Afri-"
:Neo throws her shoe at Amariie's forehead, knocking her unconscious:
~WOOBLY FUCKING FLASHBACK MODE!! DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH MY CHOICE OF FUCKING STORYTELLING METHODS???? ...k thanks.~
Anubis struggled unenthusiastically against the sticky snot-like arms of the Nether lava goop stuff. He slightly bounced around, trying to rip off one slop while another pulled at his hair. He could easily sense El Roninos near Talpa's front door and about to cross the threshold. Carrot Top gave one final yank and began sinking deeper into the fluorescent pool.
"Anubis..." a voice purred through his mind.
The said warlord opened his eyes wearily, tired from fighting for so long.
"Anuuuubisss..." it repeated, more persistent.
"Mmmm?" Anubis, well, mmmed.
"Annnnuuubbiiisssssss..."
Trying to keep his head above the sticky liquid. "Whaa?"
"Annuuubb-"
"WHAT DAMMIT?!"
The voice hesitated, apparently started. "Oh, sorry, couldn't hear you in the goop. This is Bob the Ancient. Yeah, well, I recently crossed to the other side and it sucks. There's no tiki bar with those really yummy pina coladas with the lil cherries and cute paper umbrellas. So I came back to rescue your sorry ass. :cracking knuckles heard: Ya might wanna get ready," the deep voice said casually.
Anubis raised an eyebrow. "Ready for wh-"
:WHOOSH:
Without realizing it, the entire Nether pool was divided as if a powerful gust of wind had blown through even though there was no evidence of it. In the middle of the split, standing on the recently dry ground was the Ancient.
"Moses ain't got nothin' on me."
~Later~
In a random darkened tunnel Anubis leaned over slightly, trying to keep a look out for enemies and so the nasty cobwebs wouldn't get in his hair. In front of him stood the Ancient, a bit transparent with a hint of a blue glow, but in tact anyways.
"Take off your armor," he said authoritatively.
Giving the all-wise, all-knowing elder a sideways glance, he forced his armor off of him and stood in the chilled air in his Joe Boxers. He almost hinted an amusing smile from the one before him.
"Lollipop underwear?"
Anubis half-turned away, as if that would cause him to go invisible. "Mommy gave them to me..."
Bob only smiled compassionately and then held his hands out to Anubis. Not knowing what to do, Anubis thought he was asking for a hug. Then in the Ancient's arms appeared his clothes and hat. Anubis' eyes grew wide for an instant as he touched the now quite tangible clothing. He raised his eyes to Bob, now sporting an unbuttoned Hawaiian surf shirt, board shorts, and dark sunglasses.
Not giving Anubis the chance to diss his fashion knowledge, he said, "You are now the new Ancient and I finally get a damn vacation."
Anubis half-laughed in disbelief but took the clothes and hat. Bob lowered his arms and turned on his heel. He gave a wave over his shoulder and proceeded to walk down the tunnel as he began to dissipate. "Damned shorts are riding my ass," he muttered while picking a wedgie.
Still holding the clothes in his hand, Anubis sort of blankly watched Bob's image disappear and without warning whatsoever, a large white/gold light shot forth in front of him, materializing into the Ancient's golden staff. After the light died, Anubis placed his right hand around the staff, feeling a strangely warm sensation. He then quickly dressed in the ancient attire and began jogging down the tunnel in search of the Ronins. "I wonder if I'll get hazard pay for this."
~End woobly flashback mode...See? Wasn't too bad.~
The wind blew a bit harder as Anubis ended his amazing escape...well rescue. White Blaze rolled over on the hard ground and wiggled a bit, trying to relieve the annoying itch in his back.
After prying her eyes from Anubis, Rain leaned backwards a bit. "Lollipop boxers?"
Blushing madly, Anubis adverted his gaze to Amariie, pleading for help. She only gave him an exasperated look. "Oh fer god's sake...I'm bored out of my immortal soul. Let's go save someone or something," Amariie said while lifting herself off the ground.
Rain followed her lead, still giving the red-head a slight smirk. Anubis used his Ancient's staff to pull himself up and smoothed out the wrinkles in his skirt...kilt...thing...He then checked his non-existent watch and stole a glance to the sun.
After receiving a few blank stares, he muttered, "It's about time to go in," and strolled quite nonchalantly towards the previously locked big red gate with Amariie, Rain, and White Blaze following in his wake.
~~~
Rowen and Kento had made their way through parts of the castle and had arrived in an outside area that resembled a highly unkept garden. Dying trees stretched as in agony and weeds overtook the area. A small but thick Japanese wall surrounded it with only one door. Kento began walking towards the opposite door across the garden but suddenly the entire place turned ink black. Japanese feudal-style armored statues softly appear into sight.
"We just HAD to go this way, huh? Couldn't we have just stayed in the kitchen with the foooood!?" Kento whined to Rowen, who was ready to armor up.
"Shuttap. Let's armor up. Something's not right..."
"Well DUH! There's a buncha statues THAT JUST HAPPEN TA APPEAR FROM NOWHERE!" Kento was officially freaking out.
"Armor of Strata! Tao Inochi!" Rowen bellowed.
"Ok FINE! Armor of Hard Rock! Tao gi!"
The two stood back to back once they noticed the statues had surrounded them completely. Rowen's slowly unhooked his bow and removed it from his back while Kento had no clue what was going on. As usual.
The statues became solid as a voice appeared. Well not appeared. More like invisibly arrived. Like a voice would. Or something. Yeah. "Prepare yourself!!"
Rowen looked confused for once. "What the hell? Since when do we have a narrator?"
"I am NOT a narrator. Do I SOUND like Walter Kronkite to you?" the voice responded.
Kento looked around at the empty sky, as if he expected to see some guy in a John Deere Hat in the clouds with a megaphone. "Then who are you?"
":ahem: THE VOICE."
Rowen scowled. "Well how come you warned us now but in the 70,000 times we've been attacked before, you didn't say a word!? HUH!?"
THE VOICE, obviously startled, went silent for a moment. No one had ever defied THE VOICE. "I don't have to answer that," it finally said stubbornly.
Before Smart-Ass Rowen got in another word, THE VOICE's prediction cam true and of all peeps, Dais burst through one of the statues. Caught off guard, the duo ran towards him, but as they did, two more Daises...Daisi...(GODDAMIT. THE PLURAL FORM OF DAIS INSERT HERE) exploded from two other statues. A shocked Rowen turned to try to fight them off while Kento slammed his staff across the first one's shoulder. More Warlords of Illusions came from all the statues and soon both Ronins had way too much to handle.
"They've cloned him!" Kento yelled unintelligently from across the garden.
A loud sigh soared across the loud fights. "Kento it's an illusion! Only one of them is really Dais! We gotta find out which!"
"Mind if I ask HOW THE HELL DO WE DO THAT?!"
Rowen shoved Dais #23 out of his way and pushed his back to the wall. "DUCK!"
Kento immediately hit the ground, tripping a few Daises for the hell of it on the way, and covered his helmet.
"ARROW SHOCK WAVE!"
The entire vicinity burned with a blue light, nearly shaking the ground. When the familiar sonic boom faded, Kento looked up to see only one Dais on one knee.
"NOW KENTO!" Rowen yelled.
Kento leapt up and ran towards Dais at unawares. "Go find Ryo!" he managed to yell right before he slammed into Dais' chest. The ground suddenly opened up beneath their feet and the duo began to fall. Kento clutched Dais like a ragdoll as they fell.
"FUUUUUUCKK!!" was the last thing Rowen heard from Kento's mouth before his buddy was gone from sight. He knew he couldn't linger there, so he wished Kento well and took off running through the convenient new door in the wall he created seconds earlier.
~~~
"I SWEAR we passed this crack in the wall before... I think we're lost," Cye stated to his dark haired companion.
"No we aren't."
"Yes we bloody are!"
Ryo bristled. "Dude! We so are not!" Just to act even more childish, he crossed his arms and snapped his head away from Cye. Only to see the words 'Ryo was here' carved into a doorframe. Shit.
Cye rolled his eyes and snatched the booklet out of fictional pocket-like slit in Ryo's armoured torso and flipped through the coupons for snack food until he came to the map of the castle. It's a good thing Cye taxed it from the information kiosk at the entrance of the castle or they would have been really screwed. Like they haven't been wandering around hallways for hours... psht, men. "Ok, we passed the waterslide and the carousel... so we're about... here!" he announced triumphantly, pointing to a spot on the map.
Unbeknownst to the Ronins, but they were currently located at a designated trap zone. Those Netherworld fiends didn't even mark it on the map... crafty buggers.
Anyways...
Ryo and Cye continued walking, with a small bit of false reassurance, when they came upon THE HALL OF DOORS. And just to piss on their corn flakes even more, the corridor behind them was now blocked by a wall, so they couldn't get back to where they were.
"Ah shit," Cye murmured, wondering what they should do. Well, I mean, they obviously KNEW they had to try to doors, but they didn't want to, and so they were caught in this procrastination thang... like when you know you have to study for an exam but 'Clean Sweep' is on TV, and you have that package of crescent rolls in the freezer and people are messaging you in MSN...
~Neo: Get on with it Lag.
Lagomorph:.... sorry~
Ryo reached for the first door on his left and paused. Suddenly, THE VOICE appeared again.
THE VOICE: "Our two heroes are trying to find their friends, but have come across the treacherous HALL OF DOORS. To get through you need to 'Break on through'..."
"Oh shut the hell up!" Ryo burst out in annoyance.
"FINE THEN, FUCKERS! I was just gonna tell ya how to get out of here, but you two can just go screw some llamas!" and with that, THE VOICE went silent.
Cye groaned and shot an acid glare at Ryo. "Great..."
Also feeling incredibly screwed, Ryo shook his head and turned the doorknob.
"FRESH MEAT!"
::SLAM::
"Holy shit...I think I just crapped my pants..." Ryo heaved, leaning heavily against the door, which he just slammed into a large demon with a blood-stained apron.
Cye cautiously opened a door on the other side of the hall. A thunderous roar rushed to their ears and Cye peered in. A wide field, littered with dead bodies (of humans and... unhuman things), rubble and small fires. Oh yeah, and there was a huge-ass war going on against some sort of castle. Suddenly, a loud chant echoed through the populace. "GROND. GROND. GROND..."
::SLAM::
Ryo went for another door and opened it. To his surprise, no demons were there! In fact... there was... talking... food. An old looking celery with a moustache and a pirate hat turned towards him. "Let the sillyness begin!" In a singsong voice, he (presumably) began. "Veggie Ta..."
Ryo rolled his eyes "No time for you , fruitcake!"
"I'm a VEGETABLE! Not a FRUIT!" a tomato protested.
::SLAM::
Cye, judging by the turn of events that it was now his turn, opened a door. A blast of black snow fluttered into the hall. Cye took a deep breath and looked in. A large flying machine was hovering in the air inside the room, producing the black snow. Suddenly a thing came running towards Cye. It looked like a two-headed robot...
"I am Multi-Bot."
"AHHHH!"
::SLAM::
Ryo and Cye, now feeling frantic and VERY frightened, began pulling open doors, but every door they opened was just bad scary things... like being in Bowser's dungeon (oh yes, the bridge over lava), or even worse, the Ottawa Senators dressing room.
Finally, after hours of door slamming, they came to the end of the HALL OF DOORS. Two doors remained. The door on the left had a piece of cheap paper towel taped to it, with the words "THE WRONG WAY" written in blood. The door on the left had a mahogany plaque on it with a frilly gold pattern around the edges, and with perfect calligraphy, had "The Right Way" etched into it.
Ryo shot his arm out, preventing Cye from advancing towards "The Right Way". "Using logical deduction, my dear Cye, I have thus discovered that which is seems right, cannot obviously be right, and therefore is wrong. So you see, that exit is 'The Wrong Way'. Therefore, I conclude that 'The Wrong Way' is actually the right way." He then nonchalantly pulled out a pipe from that non-existent pocket and took a long pull. Then choked his lungs out. What an idiot.
Cye raised an eyebrow "...then again, you always say "elementary"... and you were never really good in elementary school, were you Ryo?"
"...shuttup Cye..." Ryo muttered, and, ripping the paper towel off the door, opened it.
This room appeared to be an office, and to their astonishment, had two figures chatting in it, facing each other and sitting perpendicular to the door. One was an older man with an accent and the other one was.... Cale?!
The old man thoughtfully scratched his chin. "Vell, vat you should do iz quite simple." Cale leaned forward in anticipation, waiting for the old man to continue. "Kill you father and marry your mother."
Cale's face went blank. "What?! All I wanted to know was what I should do about my cake that was eaten!"
"Cale, do you not zee? The cake zat was eaten is symbolic of the lust you have for your mother."
"... well ok." Cale snapped around when he heard the distinct sound of two people giggling. It was Ryo and Cye! He had to kick their asses before anyone found out about this... Dais still hasn't let him forget about that 'thing' that went on between him and Flossy the playful sheep.
Cye stopped giggling just in time to see Cale lunge at them. Noting the murder in his opponent's eyes, he drew his trident and leapt in front of Ryo, blocking Cale's swords. "Ryo! Take the other door and find the others! I'll hold this 'Momma's boy' off!" Cye called back, trying hard not to crack a smile.
Ryo nodded and dashed off (through the right door this time) and hence exited the HALL OF DOORS.
...To be continued!