Chapter 7: In Which Monica Behaves Rather Badly
Author's Note: the comments on Chandler made by Monica reflect her own opinions and not necessarily those of the author. Remember the old proverb, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Whatever the rights and wrongs of the case, that is how Monica is going to feel, I believe.
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When Rachel got back to the apartment from work, it was so gleamingly clean that she hardly dared set foot in it, and Monica was scrubbing the oven as if her life depended on it. Long familiarity with the symptoms led Rachel to deduce emotional turmoil.
"What's up, Mon?" she asked in a sympathetic tone.
Monica darted a smouldering glance at her. "You can have Chandler," she growled, "and the goddamn horse he rode in on."
Oh oh, thought Rachel. "What's happened?"
"I saw him at lunchtime," Monica said, in a tone that suggested barely controlled rage. "We have to talk, he says. I thought that was our line. So we talk, no, he talks, and he makes it absolutely clear I mean nothing to him, I'm like his sister. Oh, and get this: if he hadn't 'had someone else in mind' – she began doing a wildly inaccurate impression of Chandler's voice – "he might have been 'tempted to see where we go with it', although, yeah, get this too, 'it would probably be a mistake'. The condescending creep!" she suddenly roared. She put down her cleaning rag and bottle of special secret recipe cleaning liquid and delivered several punches into the air.
"Take it easy, Mon," said Rachel soothingly.
"Take it easy, she says," repeated Monica bitterly. "Of course, it's fine for you: you're the one he has in mind! He said as much."
Before Rachel could reply Phoebe entered.
"Still upset, huh?" she said in a resigned manner.
"Still mad!" Monica snarled. She banged her bottle back in its place so hard it made the others jump.
"So, anyway, when are you meeting Pete?" Rachel asked in a desperate attempt to distract her.
"Pete!" Monica froze. "Oh my God, I'd nearly forgotten, and now I barely have time to change or shower." She looked at them in sudden desperation. "Guys, please help me choose what to wear!"
Shaking their heads at each other at this sudden but not unprecedented change of mood, Rachel and Phoebe followed as Monica ran into her bedroom. On the way, Phoebe leaned
in to Rachel and muttered, "So – Chandler, huh?" with a wink.
Rachel found herself flushing. "Well, sort of, yeah," she stammered. "At least, it's clear from what Mon says that he's interested."
"And you are too?" said Phoebe encouragingly.
"You can talk about Chandler later," said Monica, spitting out the name contemptuously. "You're here to help me!"
"Yes, oh mistress Monica," said Phoebe with mock subservience. "Forgive your servants for daring to name the unmentionable."
Monica ignored her and looked at her watch. "Oh my God," she moaned despairingly, "he said six, and it's already twenty to. What am I gonna do?"
"Would you relax?" said Rachel rather impatiently. "Nobody said you had to be absolutely on time to the minute. He'll wait. If necessary, one of us can go down and tell him you've been slightly delayed."
"Yeah, you're right," said Monica, the tension in her body relaxing a bit. "Okay, now I don't want something that signals I'm desperate to get him back, but not something that says I'm totally uninterested, either, and of course it should say I am a competent person who can handle being head chef of a restaurant."
Rachel ignored all this and went decisively to Monica's closet. Within three minutes she had half-persuaded, half-bullied Monica into committing herself to a choice and then had driven her off to shower.
"Whew!" she said when she came back and collapsed into a chair. "At least that got her off the subject of Chandler for a while, but I doubt we've heard the last of it. And, y'know, Pheebs, the worst of it is, I never got to present my demands in exchange for holding off from him."
"Tough," said Phoebe sympathetically. "But seriously, Rach, do you think it's wise to start something with him when he's just rejected her? I mean, remember all that Van Damme stuff."
"No, I'm in the clear," said Rachel, grinning. "She said, before you came in, I could have him."
"Yeah, that's what she says when she's mad, but what about when she's cooled down?" Phoebe replied. "She might go all sad and reproachful on you, or get really niggly like she did over Van Damme."
"Yeah," said Rachel pensively. She sat in silence for a while, frowning in thought. Then her face brightened.
"I can still get some of my demands," she said. "I didn't come on to him at breakfast, and I deliberately didn't visit Central Perk for lunch. That ought to count for something."
"Good luck with that," said Phoebe ironically. "She's gonna be touchy about the whole subject, is my … Hi Mon, that was quick."
"Yeah, I didn't bother with my hair," said Monica rather distractedly. "Rach, can I talk to you in private for a moment?"
"Okay," said Rachel, wondering what she wanted now.
When she entered the bedroom, Monica closed the door and said abruptly, "What's it worth, for you to keep giving Chandler no encouragement for a while?"
Rachel looked at her open-mouthed. "Gosh, Monica, that's asking an awful lot. By why, anyway? Was he really so mean when he gave you the brush-off?"
"Well, no," said Monica, looking a bit embarrassed. "He tried to be nice about it. But it wouldn't do him any harm to suffer a little," she flared.
"Yeah, but what about me?" cried Rachel, who had finally reached the end of her patience. "I haven't got any millionaires falling over themselves to offer me a job and dates in Rome and stuff. Chandler's the nearest thing to a decent prospect for a date that I've seen in months!"
"Okay, sweetie, okay!" said Monica in a conciliatory tone. "Look, let's see how things go with Pete. If they go well, I guess I won't feel so bad over Chandler."
"Hmph!" went Rachel sceptically. She decided to go for it. "Fine for you, but you still owe me, Monica – especially for this, but also for one day's worth already of not encouraging Chandler."
"A whole day?" Monica queried.
"Why d'you think I wasn't in Central Perk at lunchtime?" said Rachel.
Monica pulled a face, and Rachel continued, "It's not my fault he chose that moment to have his talk with you. So, well, you've already said, you're gonna do all the chores – "
"Well, for a while," Monica put in uneasily. "You can't expect to get away with not doing them for ever."
"Right," said Rachel. "Now, in among the chores I'm counting keeping my room clean and neat, and my laundry – "
"Check," said Monica. "I can do that."
" – and I'd like you to cook some of my favourite meals – " Rachel continued.
"I'd probably be doing that anyway," said Monica.
" – and bring me breakfast in bed at the weekends," Rachel finished with relish.
"But, sweetie," Monica protested, "the sheets – "
"Monica Lilian Geller," said Rachel wrathfully, "are you backing out of our agreement, when, on top of everything else, I have just helped you choose your go-to-meet-Pete-and-maybe-snag-him-if-I-decide-I-want-to clothes?"
"No, no," said Monica hastily. "I do owe you, I know. Okay," she sighed a little, "I agree to all this, but how long for?"
"Let's say … four weeks," said Rachel with an air of generosity.
"Four weeks?" cried Monica. "Okay, four weeks," she said resignedly when Rachel turned a baleful eye on her. "Now what's the time?"
Rachel glanced at her watch. "A minute or two before six. But like I said, relax. Pete's not gonna be treating this like a business appointment."
"I hope not," said Monica. She had been dressing while talking to Rachel, and now sat at her makeup table and started brushing her hair furiously. Rachel watched her with a look of tolerant affection.
"Of course if you get anywhere with Pete and he rushes you off to Rome or Nice or Acapulco for the weekend, I won't expect breakfast in bed then," she said.
Monica darted her a resentful glance at this goading. "I should hope not," she growled.
"We'll just tack it on the end," Rachel said, blithely ignoring the glance and Monica's tone. "Now I'll send Phoebe on ahead as messsenger."
Hastily she left the bedroom, shut the door, and struck a triumphant victory pose, grinning all over her face, while Phoebe gave her a thumbs-up sign.
"Pheebs, could you go to Central Perk and tell Pete she'll be down in a few minutes?" Rachel said.
"First, tell me what you're getting as payoff," said Phoebe interestedly.
Ticking them off on her fingers, Rachel said, "For four weeks she's gonna do the chores and my laundry, keep my room tidy, cook meals that I like, and," she paused dramatically, "bring me breakfast in bed at the weekends."
"Way to go, miss tough negotiator!" said Phoebe admiringly. "Okay, what do I get for taking the message?"
"I thought you'd do that as a friend," said Rachel with a reproachful air. "But I guess we could run to breakfast tomorrow."
"But I could get that anyway!" Phoebe protested.
"Right!" said Rachel emphatically. "And what are you doing in return for all the free breakfasts and stuff, huh?"
"Okay, okay, don't spur a willing horse," Phoebe muttered as she gathered her belongings and left.
"Not bad, Rach," said Monica approvingly as she emerged from her room. "Maybe you can figure out a way to get some payback from our other freeloading friends. How do I look?"
Rachel looked her up and down with a critical expression, but inside she was thinking, 'I wish I had a face like that, skin like that … she may be too slim, really, but she is beautiful.' Aloud she said, "You look great, honey. C'mon, let's go and see you knock 'em dead, especially Pete."
Monica giggled, and on an impulse grabbed Rachel and hugged her. "You know what, it's great having you around," she said. "You are a support – even if you don't do the chores."
"Okay, well, I don't expect to hear any more on that score for four whole weeks," said Rachel.
Arm in arm they went down the stairs and approached Central Perk. Rachel stood back to let Monica make a grand entrance. But it was all in vain, for Pete was not there.
"He called to say that he was running a little late," Phoebe explained. "Some business stuff, I guess."
This was not likely to improve Monica's temper. Pete's lateness because of business had been a recurrent irritation in their relationship. She ordered a large decaf and sat down with her friends. All were now there except Ross, presumed to be off somewhere with Bonnie. Chandler seemed rather apprehensive, but relaxed when Monica studiously ignored him.
"Hi Rachel," he said when they were all settled. "You're looking very attractive this evening."
"Why, thank you, kind sir," said Rachel lightly. "But I haven't made any special effort. Monica, now – don't you think she's looking stunning? I guess Pete will be a goner after one look."
Chandler looked as if he had bitten into a lemon. "Um, yeah, you're looking great, Monica," he stammered.
"Thanks," said Monica icily. "Now say something complimentary about Phoebe and you'll have completed the circuit."
Joey snicked appreciatively. "But it's true, Mon," he said. "If you weren't my friend, I'd be after you so fast. Any one of you, in fact," he added after a moment.
"Yeah, but how far does that make us different from any other women in New York round about our age or younger?" said Rachel teasingly.
"They're not all hot," said Joey, apparently giving this comment some serious thought. "And there are some girls I'm not keen to date. Like if I find out they have protective brothers."
"Aha, so that's the reason why you won't date me," said Phoebe merrily. "If you dated me and then dumped me, Frank Jr. would kick your ass!"
This set everyone laughing.
"I guess you would be first in line to do that," Joey replied, grinning. "You're tough, Pheebs. Sometimes you scare me."
Phoebe acknowledged this with a nod, as if to say it was no more than her due. "Okay, well what about Monica?" she said, with a sly glance at her. "Are you scared of Ross too?"
There were more snickers, but suddenly Joey looked uneasy. "Well, well, with Monica, it, uh, it would have to be … serious," he said rather hesitantly. "So, it would be like, I couldn't dump her, or you would all kick my ass, right?"
Realising that she had introduced a jarring note, Phoebe thought fast and said, "Are there any good new movies on, does anyone know?"
"We could get a paper," said Chandler. "How about, we take in a movie, Rachel?"
"Great idea," she said, "as long as we can all agree on the movie. You know I don't like tough action movies."
Monica didn't bother to suppress a laugh at this deft turning of Chandler's hint at a date into a project for the group.
"What's so funny, Mon?" said Phoebe with apparent artlessness.
Whose side is she on, Monica thought in some irritation. "Oh, just something that came to mind, from a movie I've seen," she said airily.
"Why not share the joy?" said Chandler with wide-eyed innocence.
"Nah," said Joey, oblivious as so often to the undercurrents, "explaining things you thought were funny in movies always ruins them. Well, I could go for some kind of romance thing if I'll get to see a lot of someone like Demi Moore. Man, is she hot in Striptease!"
Monica was drawing breath to blast this crude display of lustfulness when she heard a familiar voice.
"Monica, I'm so sorry I'm late," said Pete.
They all turned to look at him. He looked much like the old Pete, as dapper as ever, barring the fading bruises on his face, but to Monica there was something lacking, some indefinable quality – maybe a level of self-confidence had gone. Nevertheless, she was very pleased to see him, and crying, "It's so good to see you!" she rose to throw her arms round him and give him a hearty hug and a kiss on the cheek. He smiled, but seemed to wince.
"Am I hurting you?" she said in alarm, loosening her embrace.
"It's nothing," he said. "But my shoulder still isn't quite right." Then he turned to Gunther, who had come up promptly, said, "I'll take a large decaf," and sat down next to Monica on the couch, where Rachel and Phoebe had shifted to give him room.
"So, you're all still together," he said, looking round them with a faint air of amusement. "No, wait, where's Ross?"
"He's probably with Bonnie, his new girlfriend," said Rachel quite cheerfully.
He turned to look at her in some surprise. "And you're okay with that? It seemed to me there was … unfinished business between you."
"Absolutely okay," said Rachel even more cheerfully. "I'm open to any and all offers." She made a big production of smiling at him enticingly, clearly not intending to be taken seriously.
"That's, uh, tempting," said Pete gallantly, "very tempting, but, well, I did come here to see Monica … and I have to say," he turned back to her, "it's a sight worth seeing."
The warmth in his eyes seemed to ignite a corresponding warmth in Monica's face. "Um, thanks," she managed to say, "but, er, didn't you want to talk about the restaurant?"
"Only to say that the job's yours, with no strings, just like before, if you want it," he said.
"My own restaurant," Monica said dreamily. "Is it open yet?"
"Oh yeah," he said. "I don't believe in leaving assets unused. But it's just ticking over."
"I'll want to have a look, and see what they've done with it," said Monica. "I might want some changes. But I might as well say yes to the basic deal right now." She beamed at him. "It's a dream of mine, as you know."
"Good, good!" he said eagerly. "How soon can you start? Are you still at the Moondance Diner?"
"Um, no," said Monica. "I have been, uh, free lancing … you know, a bit of this, a bit of that … I'll visit it tomorrow morning, if you can spare the time."
"I had my PA keep the morning free," he said. "We can fix a precise time later." Evidently pleased, he sat back in a relaxed manner. "So, how's it going, guys?" he said, looking at Joey and Chandler. "Joey, you're still acting? Chandler, still number crunching?"
It was kindly meant, but Chandler in particular looked as if he felt he was being patronised.
"Yeah, number crunching," he said. "I hear you've left the fight game. Too much full body crunching, maybe?"
Pete flushed slightly and shrugged. Monica sat up straight, looking mad.
"It's a question of priorities," she snapped. "When it came right down to it, Pete found there were things he valued more. But I can understand what a tough decision it was to make, if you have a competitive nature. You shouldn't make light of it, Chandler." She took Pete's hand and patted it.
"Oh yeah," Chandler responded in a satirical tone. "Miss Competitive Instinct, New York, is certainly going to empathise with being forced to withdraw from a competition."
"Nothing wrong with being competitive," Monica said spiritedly. "Better than sitting in front of a computer all day and achieving nothing except broadening your butt." Her tone was very close to contempt.
Chandler went red, and looked mad.
"Cool it, you guys," said Joey, looking worried. "No need to start a fight."
"Oh yeah, you'll always defend Chandler," said Monica fiercely. "You eat my food every day, but he's the one you'll always support."
"Mon, I wasn't – " Joey began, looking wounded, but she stood up abruptly, saying, "Oh, forget it! Come on, Pete, I've had enough coffee to last me a long time. Let's go somewhere."
Looking eager, Pete got up and followed Monica, who was already on her way to the door without a glance back.
"Have a good time!" Chandler called rather derisively, but there was no response.
After they left there was silence for a moment, which Rachel broke.
"You didn't have to make that comment to Pete," she said softly, looking at Chandler.
"Oh, didn't I?" said Chandler hotly. "'still number crunching?', huh! Just because he's some kind of super-geek – "
"I don't think he meant anything by it," said Phoebe. "You were just feeling touchy because of Monica. Now there, you're gonna have to accept that she may be mad for a while."
"Men get turned down all the time, and don't make such a fuss," said Chandler resentfully.
"Some do," said Rachel.
"Yeah, and it's like part of the rules," said Phoebe. "You have to expect it. We're encouraged to think, we have something really special to offer, so naturally we get upset when we do offer it and it is rejected."
"Yeah, and you can't really blame us for feeling like that," said Rachel, "because women did not and do not set the rules – however it may feel to you sometimes." She looked at Chandler sympathetically.
Chandler said nothing for a moment, simply nodded and looked glum. "But still, she shouldn't have said that to Joey," he said finally. "That was mean."
"Yeah," said Joey in an aggrieved tone. "She's never complained before, and she likes being the hostess."
Rachel's face became serious. "That's irrelevant. Let's face it, Mon does a lot for us, and the fact that she likes doing it, even has some kind of need to do it, doesn't mean we shouldn't recognise that we are getting a good deal, and show our appreciation." She looked round the other three rather seriously. "She does it because she loves us, even if she sometimes bawls us out. So cut her some slack, okay?"
Looking embarrassed, Joey and Chandler produced somewhat reluctant murmurs of assent, but Phoebe grinned vividly and said, "Yes, mom."
Rachel grinned back. "I did come off sounding like a mom talking to her kids, didn't I? But I meant it. I'm just telling you not to take Monica for granted, that's all. I'll admit that I used to do it too, but I mean to change that. Joey, you show appreciation when your mom does something for you, don't you, even though you know she likes doing it?"
"Well, yeah," he said. He looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "Yeah, and she used to give me a hard time if she thought I wasn't showing enough gratitude, to her or my grandmother. Okay, I'll make an effort to show my appreciation to her at breakfast tomorrow."
"If things go really well with Pete, maybe you won't see her at breakfast," said Phoebe with a wicked grin. "How does that grab you, Chandler?" she added teasingly.
Chandler sighed. "Okay, I'm gonna be serious too for a moment," he said. "I'm sorry, but … I tried to tell her, as nicely as I could, I cannot feel about Monica the way she wanted me to feel. I think she's overreacting, and I don't like it. That's what made me overreact to Pete, I guess. But I really hope she does click with Pete again."
"Just for the record, Chandler, I agree with you on both points," said Rachel. "I hope so too, but … did you feel that Pete wasn't quite the same?"
"He really took a beating, the last time, and he's not over it yet," said Joey. "It does kind of depress you, not to be fully healthy. I felt kinda low when I dislocated my arm."
"Didn't seem to slow you down eating jam," Rachel commented. "No, I think it's more than that, I think it really was a blow to his idea of himself, having to quit the Ultimate Fighting game. I wonder if he'll seem so attractive to Monica now."
"But she hated him doing it," Chandler objected.
"Yeah, but she liked the him that wanted to do it," said Phoebe. "I agree with Rachel, there's something different about him. Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough. In the meantime … what about this movie?"
All turned with some relief to the innocuous topic of choosing a movie that they could all hope to like. Chandler and Joey could not be persuaded to try Titanic, despite the opportunity which it offered to see Kate Winslet naked, as promised by Rachel and Phoebe, who had seen it once and would have been happy to do so again. In her turn, Rachel did not like the sound of Good Will Hunting. Finally they agreed on Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, in the hopes of having a good laugh. True to her agreement with Monica, Rachel was ready to keep Chandler at arms' length and ensured that Phoebe kept close to her, but she need not have bothered. Chandler seemed in a mood while they were going to the movie, and though he seemed to enjoy himself during it he was silent during their return to their apartment, when Phoebe and Rachel began to speculate again on whether anything had developed between Monica and Pete.