Disclaimer: I own nothing. Inspired by the Secret Diaries of LotR characters. Some facts match some don't.
Day 1. I am bored out of my mind and have a feeling I am going crazy. The physiatrist recommended I write about stuff to ease my-self. Yeah, the birds outside are really nice... Do you know why I am going crazy? The shrink can't tell me, but I know anyway. Because it's so damn BORING!!!!!!!!!!!
Day 16. Galadriel begged me to buy a new wig. Refused. She told me to get with the times, not that I can say much for her. That stupid hair that she has (the hair I always end up tangling in when we, you know…) is so 2010. Besides, purple is not my colour; it suits Elrond more.
The birds are still chirping outside, you'd think after a decade or so they'd shut up. But no, they just have to continue making their weird sounds and they tried to do something intimate on the balcony last week. Not a pretty sight at all. Ohm, Galadriel is coming, need to hide under the cupboard so she won't notice me.
Day 17: Galadriel tried to glue that atrocious purple wig to my head today, so painful. So I am fated to bold at a young age, you don't need to make fun of me! We made such a mess with me running around the room and her screaming something in that language she talks in that I can't understand. The shrink came today, asked for more money, said I am doing well and left again. Not that I wanted him there anyway, he looks like an orc crossed with a pig.
Saw Haldir pashing the tree today, I always knew he had a passion for trees, but now that badly. Poor kid. I got him to clean up the bedroom as a punishment, he said something about the Marchwardens being above housecleaning, but he deserved it. Trees are protected species.
Oh, a group of idiotic looking scavengers turned up today. I think Elrond sent them or something; he always was a gracious son-in-law.
Day 18: It turns out the group of vagabonds are the supposedly great Fellowship of the Ring. They all look like losers to me. They said one of them fell or something of that kind; that's good, one less loser we have to feed. I don't think Galadriel liked them either even if she did show off her newest dress and tiara. She kept stepping on my toes whenever I tried so speak; she's got like 15 cm high heels! Is she bent on making me suffer?
You should have seen the faces of those fools; they were about to piss themselves when she did her " I can read you thoughts" trick. Its not like its that rare, I could do that too if my feet weren't so bruised. She has an eye for that fat, crimpy fellow, Boromir. Heard them in the bathtub in the evening. Not to my liking at all. They sounded worse then those stupid birds outside.
One of them was an elf, the only decent one in the group. Thrainduin's kid, you can spot the resemblance immediately. He stole my hair colour though, fake-blonde, it's obvious. Or maybe it's a wig; it looks too perfect for a wood elf, not a strand out of place. Half of them dye their hair green anyway, to match their surroundings or something. Poor suckers.
I almost screamed when I saw the little bearded creature standing next to him. A dwarf, in Lothlorien! I think Haldir is going to be cleaning the whole palace tomorrow. The idiot! Any child knows creatures with nose hair and axes are prohibited to enter the city! But have to let him stay, Galadriel said we can feed him to the dogs later, she thinks the dwarf has taken a liking for her. I want to throw up, a dwarf having a crush on MY WIFE! Preposterous, mental!
Ugh, the two men, they've got to be the dirtiest men I've seen in centuries. Not that I go out and see many, but that doesn't change the point. One of them acts like a complete jerk, he was probably told by his mummy in childhood that he was a prince and that he could do anything he wanted. He acts just like Galadriel when she is depressed. What's his name? Aragorn; humans should stop stealing elven names and start inventing their own. I think John would suit this chap just fine.
The second one is no better, the big guy of the company it seems. He's got furs and a round shield that looks like a dinner plate. All he needs now is a helmet with horns. He is the guy Galadriel fancies; she kept staring at him. He freaked, I thought he was about to burst into tears. Are all mortals so peculiar now days? Not like us elves with our perfect sanity and mature behavior. Well, if I see or hear the pair of them doing it again, I will personally rip his privates out.
And there are two of these small fellows; I think I am starting to hallucinate (further proves my point that I am going crazy). There is the fat one; he never changes. But the skinny one! I swear his face is different every time I look at him. Not right, nor right at all.
I am off to play tag with the fat midget now.
Day 19: Haldir nearly suffocated today, but how was I supposed to know he was allergic to soap. Just because he went pale and nearly threw up last time…I should just fire him, maybe when a battle comes I'll send him off and pay an orc to assassinate him. Nuh, I am too lazy.
Galadriel is drooling over the Boromir guy again; she kept muttering his name while she slept and she even forgot about the wig. Thank gods for that!
Day 25: I am in love. I thought I would never again feel that sensation. Oh, his wild flowing hair with a slight scent of fertilizer and his soft but robust completion. His skill! Not in the last two thousand years have I been properly challenged in the art of tag! Ah, Samwise how a desire you!
But as always it is not my luck, he is in love with that other midget. Poor choice if you ask me, he is all skin and bone not to mention over protective over some piece of jewellery that he carries.
I am now doomed to suffer for eternity each day remembering the sorrow of my long sundered love. Or I can just kill the second midget and win Samwise over to my side. No you'll find out and never forgive me. Why me?? Why is it always me who has to suffer??? WHY ME!!!!! Ahem, the physiatrist is coming again. Must pretend to be normal.
Day 26: Still in love, but he is oblivious to all that I do and Galadriel is getting jealous. She is over the Boromir dude now, said something about him being obsessed with some ring. The skinny midget and him should get along very well then.
Need to get rid of these birds; they pooped all over the towel I left on the balcony. How gross is that?
Day 30: Galadriel tried to make me look into her mirror again. She is hoping I'll tell her what I see, but I never do. Nearly beat me up she did, fortunately she kicks like… I don't know what like, but she is hopeless. Pinching on the other hand, lets just say she likes drawing blood. Now the mirror, her problem is the fact that she is half-blind. No wonder she has such a bad taste in lovers, luckily she made a decent choice in her husband. Um, the truth is she can't see one blob in that mirror. Hopeless really.
Samwise was even more beautiful today; he had a wash last night. I didn't realize before, but he is actually blond with reddish streaks. No matter, he looks even cuter now. I had a few fantasies about him and tag, but still he is following the other midget everywhere. Need to get rid of the skinny rat somehow; perhaps if I give Haldir his personal tree to shag he'll help me.
Day 31: Killed those stripy magpies outside, they made a nice dinner too. I won, Haldir shot nine and I got the other thirty-three. A tree-hugger he is, humiliation to the whole of Lothlorien. Can't kill one bird without bursting into tears, what would he do if I asked him to pick some leaves to wrap lembas bread in?
I wrote a poem for Samwise by the way. He should like it; I sent it to him with a pile of cooked birds. The cooks are complaining the midgets eat too much. Here it is:
Samwise Gamgee you are my love,
You are a delighting piece of art,
You are my perpetual white dove,
You are the treasure of my heart.
Day 35: Haldir read my last five entries this morning! He told everybody, even Samwise! I am a public disgrace, only Galadriel was here to comfort me and she is pissed off because I refused to wear her old dress for lunch today. I shall not be humiliated further, so now I am going to rip this thing to pieces and go flying in the clouds with that physiatrist. Oh, my last words. Yes, I am a bi-sexual, yes I am crazy, but I am not gay!!!!! Read this Haldir, I am NOT gay!