Chapter 12: The One With a Few Bombshells
Author's Note: Here finally is the next instalment; sorry about the delay. NB that Chapter 11 has had some absolutely final updates to make the Ross-Bonnie business slightly more coherent, and I have now introduced some corrections and expansions to this, following further discussion with Cress.
Some of the dialogue in this comes from Episode 4,3.
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Rachel woke early the following morning, and was immediately seized by a feeling of unease. How were Joanna and Chandler likely to react to the scene in the restaurant the previous night? Janice had provided her with a good defence if Joanna should threaten to sack her, but would she simply choose to make her life a misery? This seemed only too likely, and it was an unappealing prospect.
Just as nagging was worry over the Ross-Bonnie situation. She now regretted her readiness to overlook Bonnie's pass at her, her agreement with Bonnie's suggestion that she might continue to drop in at Central Perk, her later urging that Ross make it up with Bonnie. She had to face it: Bonnie had been behaving pretty damn badly. She had been to ready to make excuses for her and overlook her behaviour because she was friendly and sympathetic. But Bonnie really ought to have made up her mind, and not be making approaches to others, even if rather obliquely – nothing like the pass Paolo had made at Phoebe, by all accounts – before she had finally broken up with Ross. She did not have the excuse that Ross had had with Chloe, of being drunk and miserable, and to do Ross justice, Chloe had made all the running there.
The more she thought about it, the more she saw Bonnie as a sort of female Joey. Most likely, she had just been aiming at some fun when she came on to Rachel, just as Joey might do. But Rachel knew that she should not condone in Bonnie what she put up with, resignedly, in Joey. Bonnie was just not as close a friend as Ross, for all the problems she had had with him. She made up her mind that, if Ross showed any signs of regret over the breakup, she would tell him of Bonnie's pass. Feeling better for having finally made this decision, she jumped out of bed with a surge of energy, aiming to grab the bathroom before Monica. But when she walked into the living room in her robe, it was to see a very agitated Phoebe talking excitedly to Monica, who seemed to be trying to calm her down.
"I swear, I did try to stop it," Phoebe was saying.
"Pheebs, it's okay," said Monica soothingly. "If he has some fun with her, that's fine with me. He deserves some fun."
"What's up?" said Rachel.
"Bonnie went off with Pete last night," said Phoebe indignantly, "though she knows there's something between him and Monica."
"Let's face it, more on his side than mine," said Monica. "I'm far more interested in Richard, I admit it."
"Ooh, did anything … happen last night?" said Rachel excitedly. Phoebe too looked interested.
"No-o-o," said Monica slowly. "Richard was a perfect gentleman and didn't make any kind of pass. But it's clear, he's very interested in me again."
"I doubt he's ever stopped being interested in you," said Rachel rather tartly. "But, Mon, do you know if he's changed his mind about children? If not, what's the point?"
"Well, no, I haven't yet asked him whether he's changed his mind," said Monica a bit defensively, "but I aim to bring that up. Anyway, Pheebs, if anything I'm relieved that Pete has gotten interested in Bonnie, because it means he won't be mooning around after me. I just can't get back the feeling I had for him, whereas with Richard … whoa!"
"Um, Mon, do you think we ought to warn Pete about Bonnie?" said Rachel, looking a little nervously at Phoebe. "Pheebs, you won't know this, but she made passes at each of us, even before the fight with Ross."
Phoebe sighed heavily. "That's Bonnie sometimes. She can be as bad as Joey. I put up with it because she's my friend, and in her case it's not so hard to understand."
They looked at her enquiringly.
"It's, like, textbook," said Phoebe. "She's a foundling, left on the steps of a Catholic-run orphanage. They made no effort to find her a foster family or anything, just raised her to be cheap labour as soon as she was old enough, and were aiming to push her into being a nun, so she says. But she sure rebelled against that! Ran away, lived on the street a while, got taken up by a woman who was her lover, but later threw her out … She's not been given much reason to hope for love or trust in other people, or expect them to trust her, or to think of how her actions affect other people. I guess maybe she just found it too hard to be around you two without making a pass."
"Has she made a pass at you, then?" Monica asked in an interested way.
Phoebe grinned. "That's my secret. Anyway, to get back to what Rachel was saying, yeah, maybe Pete should get some kind of warning not to get in too deep."
"It's hard to believe he could be serious about that slut, that tramp, that …" Monica was evidently searching for a word.
"Floozie," Phoebe suggested brightly.
Monica pulled a face. "That is so last century, but okay, floozie. If you knew she was like this, Phoebe, why did you set my brother up with her?" The way she said "my brother" made it clear that she was in one of her protect-Ross moods.
"I didn't expect him to take it so seriously," said Phoebe simply. "I thought he'd just have some fun, which he needed. And I certainly didn't expect him to pick her over Rachel, when he had a choice."
"Well, I hope he won't take this breakup too hard," said Rachel. "Monica, I think we must tell him, in case he starts pining."
"Yeah," said Monica, one eye on Phoebe, "tell him what kind of bitch she is."
Phoebe sighed even more deeply. "Yeah, she was a bitch to Ross, in the end. But you can't tell her she's wrong to behave like that, any more than you can tell Joey. It's like there's something missing."
"Well, she's your friend," said Rachel. "Maybe you should pass the word, it wouldn't be such a good idea for her to drop in at Central Perk." An idea suddenly struck her. "Um, do you suppose she engineered that whole fight with Ross?"
Phoebe looked glum. "I don't know much about that, but she's certainly capable of it. She can be such a good friend, you know. It makes me forget how she can be with her lovers – another way in which she's like Joey. Yeah, I'll pass the word."
Monica nodded and evidently decided to drop the subject. "You're up early, Rachel," she said enquiringly.
"I woke up, and couldn't stop thinking about this, and the Joanna business," Rachel explained. "I'm afraid I'm gonna pay for that – and it hasn't gotten me one step closer to Chandler."
"I wouldn't be so sure," said Phoebe. "He didn't look at all happy last night."
"Well, Janice was kind of mocking him as well as Joanna," Rachel said. "At least, you could take it like that. But she said, she hoped it might make him think. Anyway, can I go first in the shower, Mon?"
Monica smiled at her. "Go ahead. I'll get into your room and tidy things up while you're out of it."
Rachel smiled back at her and hurried to the bathroom. When she came out, to her surprise Ross was there, unusually early for him, and if Phoebe had seemed agitated, he seemed quite frantic.
"She called me from his apartment!" he was saying. "Just to gloat, I guess."
"Called you to say what?" Rachel asked.
"Why, to say she accepted we were through and not to worry about her, because she was with Pete now," said Ross wrathfully. "As if I would worry about her, the bitch!"
"Oh my God, that's awful!" said Rachel, really meaning it. "Oh, that appalling slut! Ross, I'm so sorry." She went and gave him a friendly hug.
"Oh boy, she's really pissed," said Phoebe. "I'm sorry too, Ross." She patted him sympathetically.
"What has she got to be pissed about?" Ross growled.
"You walked out on her, remember," said Rachel gently, unable to refrain from defending Bonnie on this one point. "You told us, when you came in drunk, it was you that said you were through. And all because she wouldn't support you over our great big fat breakup. But she has a right to have her own opinion on that."
"Huh, naturally you'd support her, since she took your side," Ross grumbled, glaring at her.
Rachel tensed up with annoyance and opened her mouth to blast him, but then with something of an effort let herself deflate again. "We'll never agree on that," she said soberly. "But leaving that aside, in this case I'm backing you, because Bonnie has been screwing around on you. At least, she made passes at both Mon and me before you got into that fight."
Ross gaped at her and Monica. "She did?"
"Well, sort of," said Monica. "She hinted, anyway, and she made herself pretty plain to Rachel."
"It's all my fault," said Phoebe rather dolefully. "I never should have set you two up together. But I didn't think you would go this far with her."
"Ross isn't like Joey," said Monica, suddenly getting up and going to hug him. "He may fool around for a little, but really he's always trying to find The One To Replace Carol, aren't you, Ross?"
Ross's face lightened. "Yeah, I guess," he said. "I thought I had, once." He looked at Rachel in a melancholy but also rather hopeful sort of way.
Rachel sighed. "I guess you don't remember," she said. "Well, you were pretty drunk. I told you then, it's all gone. I love you as a friend, but I'm sorry, I don't think we'll ever be lovers again."
Ross gulped, then made a patent effort to suggest that he didn't care. "Well, well, okay," he said in a throwaway manner. "I just thought … okay." Then he frowned. "You're not hoping you'll get anywhere with Chandler, are you? Not after last night?"
"I don't know," said Rachel. "But I do know that I really and truly am over you, Ross. It's not like it was before the beach house. Please accept that."
Ross sighed deeply and said no more. Then Joey and Chandler arrived, Chandler looking definitely uneasy and rather as if he had come against his will.
"Now, Chandler," said Joey, sternly for him. "You had something to say to Rachel, right?"
"Yeah," said Chandler unenthusiastically. He looked at Rachel with a rather shamefaced expression. "I, I'm sorry about Joanna's behaviour last night, Rachel. I was, um, thinking of coming in to talk to her about it today. I don't want her to take it out on you, what Janice did, I mean."
"That's okay, Chandler," said Rachel, pleased that he felt there was something to apologise for. "Why don't we go to my office together? You want some cereal?"
Chandler's face broke into a relieved smile. "Thanks for taking it like that. Yeah, can you get out some boxes? I'm not sure what treat for the tastebuds will take my fancy this morning."
They settled down to breakfast quite cheerfully. Even bringing Joey and Chandler up to date on the situation between Ross and Bonnie did not destroy the mood, because they both sympathised loudly with Ross, and this was good for his state of mind.
Finally Rachel and Chandler left together. Rachel enjoyed having someone to chat to as she went to work, and rather wished they could have gone on talking. When it transpired that Joanna had not arrived yet, she suggested that he stay, but he claimed he had a load of work and would come back in the lunch hour. He did, however, write out a note for Joanna, which he gave to Sophie. Rachel felt quite cheerful as she settled down to work.
Unfortunately, that mood was short-lived, for Joanna arrived looking thunderous. Before she could do more than bid them good morning in an icy voice, Sophie had jumped up and presented her with Chandler's note. She read it and frowned.
"Did you put him up to this?" she said abruptly to Rachel.
"Up to what?" said Rachel, who was able to display ignorance reasonably plausibly, since she had no idea precisely what Chandler had said. "I know he said he was going to come back in the lunch hour."
Joanna looked at her suspiciously. Rachel tried to return her gaze steadily. Presently Joanna snorted.
"Okay, let it go," she said. "But I'm warning you, Rachel: one wrong move …" She retired to her office.
Chandler arrived a little before they usually broke for lunch. Joanna welcomed him effusively, and shut the door firmly behind them. There was silence for a short while, while Rachel almost held her breath, expecting an explosion. Then unmistakable sounds of joyful dalliance began to be heard.
Rachel gritted her teeth. This was worse than hearing Joanna being all flirty with him on the phone.
Sophie looked at her sympathetically. "Want to grab some lunch?" she offered. "We could beat the rush."
Grateful for her tactful suggestion of another motive to leave apart from Rachel's desperate need to get the hell out of there, Rachel accepted, and they went off to the delicatessen-cum-coffee bar where they often ate. When they left, Sophie stopped at the counter and bought a macaroon.
"Something for later?" said Rachel jokingly.
"It's for Joanna," said Sophie. "I keep hoping, some day she'll respond nicely."
Rachel shook her head, but said nothing, respecting Sophie's feelings as Sophie had respected hers. When they returned, Joanna was locking her door.
"Hi!" said Sophie brightly. "I brought you back a macaroon."
"Oh great!" said Joanna derisively. "I'll keep it in my butt with your nose." Grabbing the cookie from Sophie, she marched out. Sophie looked downcast.
"That's weird," said Rachel, "she locked the door."
Sophie explained that she was working on the Christmas bonus list.
A wicked thought occurred to Rachel. She revealed that Mark had given her a key to Joanna's office, and they agreed that they would like to sneak a peek. But when Rachel unlocked the door, they were confronted with the sight of a half-naked Chandler, handcuffed to a chair. Both gasped as he stared at them in shock.
"Chandler!" Rachel cried in profound irritation. "What the hell's going on?"
"She, um, had to go see her boss, and she cuffed me for, er fun," he said.
"But what happened to your pants?" she snapped. "Your fooling around with her got that far?"
"Well, um, yeah," he admitted. "Look, can you just go out and leave me? She said she'd be back in ten minutes."
"Fine!" she snapped. "Come on, Sophie, let's leave the dope to it."
She locked the door again and flopped down in her chair, but instead of getting on with work she just stared ahead of herself broodingly. She did not know what Chandler might have said to Joanna, but it did not seem to have done anything to the relationship between them. She could not seem to get her mind off the thought of the two of them together; it was tormenting her. She did not even notice that Sophie had also been sitting at her desk thinking for a while, and then had got up and gone off somewhere. Vaguely she heard the phone go in Joanna's office and Chandler's voice, raised in some alarm. Then her own buzzer went, from the office.
"What?" she snapped into the phone.
"Look, can we talk?" he said. "She said she's been delayed, she could be a couple of hours. She's driving away in her boss's car!" There was an unmistakable note of near-panic in his voice.
"Okay," she said resignedly, and unlocked the door again.
"Please unlock me," he begged. "The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door."
She went to get them, but then something occurred to her. "When she sees that you're gone," she said slowly, "she's gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired! I'm not supposed to have a key. I can't do it, Chandler. You got yourself into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them."
Just as Chandler was babbling some gag about her confusing him with the Amazing Chandler, Sophie returned, carrying one of the small Polaroid cameras used for taking quick cheap shots that could be used and then thrown away.
"I think I have the answer to the problem," she said. "Now, Chandler, I promise we will let you out, but you have to be photographed first."
"Photographed? What for?" he said in alarm.
"I think the big bosses would take a dim view of Joanna fooling around with someone in her office, in working hours," said Sophie, with a rather wicked smile. "Some photoes will be grand blackmail material."
"Ooh yes!" cried Rachel, catching on fast. "Ooh, that's brilliant, Sophie! Chandler, you absolutely must do this."
Chandler looked dubious. "You think it'll work? Suppose she just admits it? You two get fired, Rachel for having a key and Sophie for trying blackmail."
Rachel felt worried, but Sophie shook her head. "I've been here a while," she said. "I know how things work. Believe me, there are some who will push to get her thrown out. She's not made herself popular, you know. And she loves her job; she would do almost anything to keep it."
Chandler still looked doubtful. Rachel sighed with pretended sorrow. "If you won't do this, I guess we'll have to leave you here, for however long it takes. Mind you don't pee on her floor."
"That was mean," Chandler cried. "I wasn't thinking about needing to pee until you mentioned it!" He nodded his head, looking doleful. "Okay, I'll do it."
Sophie took several shots, making sure that it was clear that Chandler was in his boxers, and then Rachel unlocked him. He ran to his pants and hurriedly put them on, glancing at the two as if afraid they would cuff him again.
"Relax, Chandler," said Rachel, amused. "We had a deal, and we're gonna stick to it. I, um, guess you won't want this story told to our friends?"
"God, no," he groaned. "Joey would never let me hear the end of it. Well, good luck with Joanna."
When Joanna returned, a good deal later, she unlocked the door and found Chandler gone. Her shocked exclamation was too much for Rachel, who burst out giggling, quickly joined by Sophie. A furious Joanna appeared in the doorway.
"Rachel, what is the meaning of this?" she said. "Do you have a key to this door? Did you let Chandler go? I can't think of any other way it could happen. All right, you're fired."
"Oh no, she isn't," said Sophie coolly. "But if a picture of Chandler cuffed to the chair and without his pants was to be circulated among senior management, then the person who put him there would likely be fired, wouldn't she?"
"You can't prove it!" Joanna cried, looking alarmed. "I could say, you brought him in here and faked it up."
"The cuffs could be fingerprinted," said Sophie. "Okay, they'll probably find Rachel's prints, but they'll find yours as well, and how will you explain that? By the way … the cuffs are hidden where you won't find them."
Joanna glared at them, totally at a loss. "And Chandler went along with this, this blackmail?" she said finally.
"He didn't like being left in cuffs," Rachel explained. "But I guess you can try to make it up to him. So – are we okay about this? If you say nothing, of course we won't."
"And … that's all?" said Joanna, looking at them with sudden apprehension. "I can't believe that's all."
"Not quite all," said Sophie. "In return for my silence, I want one thing: that you should stop putting me down all the time, and be nice. Of course, I'll be the judge of whether I think you're being nasty or not, so maybe you should be extra-nice, to be on the safe side." She smiled an evil little smile at Joanna.
"Er … of course, Sophie," Joanna stammered. "I, er, do appreciate your work, you know."
"That's good," said Sophie. "Now, just in case you get any really foolish ideas – both of us have a set of the shots we took, and you don't know which of us has the cuffs. And tempting as the prospect is, we're not gonna abuse this, are we, Rachel?" Her look at Rachel was quite sharp. "No pushing for time off in the middle of the day, or unexplained raises, or stuff like that. And you should give me that key to the office, because the knowledge that you have it gives us both something on you."
"Wow!" said Rachel, getting the key out and handing it over. "Sophie, you're a lot smarter than I thought."
Sophie smiled. "I've been waiting for a chance like this for a while. Now maybe we should all get on with some work."
"Right, right," said Joanna, almost humbly, and vanished into her office, shutting the door firmly. About half an hour later she opened it again. It looked as if she had been crying.
"You can tell Chandler I never want to see him again," she said curtly to Rachel, and shut the door again.