*Author's Notes*: This will (for the good of the world) be the longest gap
between updates. I don't want to be one of those every-five-months authors,
putting off their stories so they get more reviews per chapter. Stupid
authors, with their busy lives and good writing. I don't own the
characters, when they're in their right minds, but since this is a parody I
can own their alter egos (of the same name and general appearance). Wait...
I can't. Fine, all I own is a happy-face key and some used matches. You
can't have they key, because really it's for a house I don't own, but I'd
be happy to be rid of the matches. Yes the story... fine, have it.
==== Harry looked around the room. The shimmering colours and intense shadows showed him that this was the obligatory dream sequence. A deep, morphed voice confirmed his suspicion.
"Add The Ingredient, my minion. Add it good." A sinister looking white face with creepy red eyes and an equally creepy maniacal grin hovered above him. Harry decided that he would send Voldemort a gift certificate for a tanning salon for Christmas, and checked him off of a list marked 'Christmas Presents for Evil Nemeses'.
With a murmur of "One down, three to go." Harry looked back at the scene before him. The man formerly known as Peter Pettigrew, and now generally called Wormtail by those who knew of his existence, was emptying the contents of a very sinister looking cauldron into a large vat of chocolate. How very sinister thought Harry.
A bad-guy-laugh seemed to grab hold of Voldemort at that moment, and then proceeded to pick him up and shake him upside down. It turned out that he had fifty-three cents and a piece of string in his pocket. Harry wondered why so many stories and cartoons had characters with string in their pockets when nobody actually carried string around. Voldemort, upright once more, grabbed the bad-guy-laugh right back and cried out with a deep, bellowing voice, "Muahahahahaha". For ages. And ages. And Harry fell asleep inside his dream, only to wake up in the 'real' world. Really it was fictional but he wasn't supposed to know that.
==
"Oww scar! Why do I always wake up in pain!?" Harry clutched his forehead as he complained of his many misfortunes. His roommates cursed him and rolled over, falling asleep with practiced speed. Disappointed with the lack of sympathy, Harry decided to go on an ill-advised midnight adventure to follow up his dream.
Under the guise of his invisibility cloak Harry crept down to the Gryffindor common room. He tippy-toed around various items of furniture towards the portrait hole. Reaching out, Harry grasped the handle to push open the door. Readers everywhere groaned, knowing that the detail in the previous sentence meant something was about to happen.
Harry screamed as a loud, buzzing alarm rang through the tower. A few minutes later, sleepy-eyed children came down the stairs to find the famed Harry Potter swinging from the ceiling in a net over a silvery invisibility cloak. Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore soon arrived and awarded Harry with a detention.
"Do you really think we would let you traipse all over the school, when you're in such danger? Voldemort could attack any day now. You just aren't safe Harry, we have to protect you from yourself." Dumbledore and his many personalities lectured a chastised Harry. With a mumbled apology, Harry the Hero went off to play chess with Ron and eat a sinister looking chocolate bar.
"Harry, stop that!" Hermione reached out and snatched the chocolate bar that was inches from Harry's gaping mouth. The look of annoyance on his face was quickly replaced with relief.
"Thanks, Hermione, that was close! I completely forgot about my diet, that would have done horrible things to my sleek athletic physique." Harry looked at his short scrawny body with admiration. Many readers suddenly noticed that all the fan fiction they read described the short-by-canon Harry as towering over even Ron. They died in horror, and we must mourn for them.
"No, Harry, I stopped you from eating that because I actually read your report on Voldemort and Caramilks." Harry looked up at Hermione with the blankest look he had ever given. "The report with the pie chart? A lot of good citations?" Harry's eyes glazed over, and after a few minutes of staring into the distance he turned back to his chess game. Hermione only sighed, and shook her head. Sighed, and shook her head...
====
That's right, repetition. How melodramatic am I? Very. Ha ha ha! I've decided to finally acknowledge my reviewers. In order now;
Jessierose: Thank you for welcoming me. I continued. I liked that line too! Thank you for noticing something at the beginning of a chapter, I know how very hard that is.
Spikey the Neon Blowfish: Thank you for reviewing so faithfully. I'm glad you agree with me on the many... ok few... things you mentioned. I hope I've answered your first question already. Enjoy this chapter.
Hot Cocoa: I should probably just tell you this, but I'm writing it into my fic. Anyways. Since your computer won't let you review, why don't you email me what you WOULD write. I could even put it in for you as an unsigned review. Just a thought, because you always have such good constructive criticism.
Pink Watermelon: Thank you so much, it makes me happy to know that I made you laugh. I liked using 'magic' so much, it brought me an odd sense of pleasure.
Four Eyed Snail: Once again, glad I made you laugh! Or at least giggle. I'm also writing short sentences. That's ok, sentence fragments are much more fun than proper sentences, though they're quite a bit less fun than run on sentences.
Nixiy: Thank you so much. What exactly is true? Is Voldemort truly involved in the confectionary industry? Is Harry really an immature and disruptive, oblivious little boy? Does Hagrid really talk like he has socks in his mouth? The answer to the above questions is Yes.
I hope you all enjoy this chapter, because if you don't I'm going to give this up. It makes me guilty, due to extreme lengths of time between updates.
==== Harry looked around the room. The shimmering colours and intense shadows showed him that this was the obligatory dream sequence. A deep, morphed voice confirmed his suspicion.
"Add The Ingredient, my minion. Add it good." A sinister looking white face with creepy red eyes and an equally creepy maniacal grin hovered above him. Harry decided that he would send Voldemort a gift certificate for a tanning salon for Christmas, and checked him off of a list marked 'Christmas Presents for Evil Nemeses'.
With a murmur of "One down, three to go." Harry looked back at the scene before him. The man formerly known as Peter Pettigrew, and now generally called Wormtail by those who knew of his existence, was emptying the contents of a very sinister looking cauldron into a large vat of chocolate. How very sinister thought Harry.
A bad-guy-laugh seemed to grab hold of Voldemort at that moment, and then proceeded to pick him up and shake him upside down. It turned out that he had fifty-three cents and a piece of string in his pocket. Harry wondered why so many stories and cartoons had characters with string in their pockets when nobody actually carried string around. Voldemort, upright once more, grabbed the bad-guy-laugh right back and cried out with a deep, bellowing voice, "Muahahahahaha". For ages. And ages. And Harry fell asleep inside his dream, only to wake up in the 'real' world. Really it was fictional but he wasn't supposed to know that.
==
"Oww scar! Why do I always wake up in pain!?" Harry clutched his forehead as he complained of his many misfortunes. His roommates cursed him and rolled over, falling asleep with practiced speed. Disappointed with the lack of sympathy, Harry decided to go on an ill-advised midnight adventure to follow up his dream.
Under the guise of his invisibility cloak Harry crept down to the Gryffindor common room. He tippy-toed around various items of furniture towards the portrait hole. Reaching out, Harry grasped the handle to push open the door. Readers everywhere groaned, knowing that the detail in the previous sentence meant something was about to happen.
Harry screamed as a loud, buzzing alarm rang through the tower. A few minutes later, sleepy-eyed children came down the stairs to find the famed Harry Potter swinging from the ceiling in a net over a silvery invisibility cloak. Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore soon arrived and awarded Harry with a detention.
"Do you really think we would let you traipse all over the school, when you're in such danger? Voldemort could attack any day now. You just aren't safe Harry, we have to protect you from yourself." Dumbledore and his many personalities lectured a chastised Harry. With a mumbled apology, Harry the Hero went off to play chess with Ron and eat a sinister looking chocolate bar.
"Harry, stop that!" Hermione reached out and snatched the chocolate bar that was inches from Harry's gaping mouth. The look of annoyance on his face was quickly replaced with relief.
"Thanks, Hermione, that was close! I completely forgot about my diet, that would have done horrible things to my sleek athletic physique." Harry looked at his short scrawny body with admiration. Many readers suddenly noticed that all the fan fiction they read described the short-by-canon Harry as towering over even Ron. They died in horror, and we must mourn for them.
"No, Harry, I stopped you from eating that because I actually read your report on Voldemort and Caramilks." Harry looked up at Hermione with the blankest look he had ever given. "The report with the pie chart? A lot of good citations?" Harry's eyes glazed over, and after a few minutes of staring into the distance he turned back to his chess game. Hermione only sighed, and shook her head. Sighed, and shook her head...
====
That's right, repetition. How melodramatic am I? Very. Ha ha ha! I've decided to finally acknowledge my reviewers. In order now;
Jessierose: Thank you for welcoming me. I continued. I liked that line too! Thank you for noticing something at the beginning of a chapter, I know how very hard that is.
Spikey the Neon Blowfish: Thank you for reviewing so faithfully. I'm glad you agree with me on the many... ok few... things you mentioned. I hope I've answered your first question already. Enjoy this chapter.
Hot Cocoa: I should probably just tell you this, but I'm writing it into my fic. Anyways. Since your computer won't let you review, why don't you email me what you WOULD write. I could even put it in for you as an unsigned review. Just a thought, because you always have such good constructive criticism.
Pink Watermelon: Thank you so much, it makes me happy to know that I made you laugh. I liked using 'magic' so much, it brought me an odd sense of pleasure.
Four Eyed Snail: Once again, glad I made you laugh! Or at least giggle. I'm also writing short sentences. That's ok, sentence fragments are much more fun than proper sentences, though they're quite a bit less fun than run on sentences.
Nixiy: Thank you so much. What exactly is true? Is Voldemort truly involved in the confectionary industry? Is Harry really an immature and disruptive, oblivious little boy? Does Hagrid really talk like he has socks in his mouth? The answer to the above questions is Yes.
I hope you all enjoy this chapter, because if you don't I'm going to give this up. It makes me guilty, due to extreme lengths of time between updates.