Lydia sat there, watching the rain pour down the glass, blurring her view of the outside. But it was okay. She was sick of seeing anything at all, cooped up in this house. This was supposed to be good for her, but she found herself wanting to lash out at those who she loved, and those who loved her. She felt like her spirit was weakening, and she was running out of time.
Her best friends, Remus and Sirius, moved her into their large house to make her recuperate from a ten-year depression. However, she began to notice that Sirius' voice would grate on her nerves, that she no longer relished the touch of Remus' hand on her shoulder. She knew she was being ungrateful, but something inside her was itching to scream. She was buried beneath a mountain of painful memories...

iMemories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safer in my room

Unless I try to start again.../i

Her fists clenched as she once again heard soft footsteps outside the front door, heard Sirius' key slide into the keyhole, thinking no one was home. Lydia did not bother to let him in, though she could see by his blurry outline that he was soaking wet and had no umbrella. She dropped her face into her hands, and he opened the door, shaking off much like a wet dog and spraying her with water.
"Ly! Why the long face?" He asked in a half-jovial way.
"Doesn't matter," she answered briefly, and went on into her automatic response. "How was your day?"
"Ah, it was okay," he answered, hanging up his cloak and mistaking her tones for sincerity, as he did every day. "Rather dull. Gloomy. Know what I mean?"
"Of course."
A pause, in which Sirius stared at her, then--
"Did you do it again?"
"Do what again?"
"Cut yourself."
"No."
"Let me see."
He walked up to her and took her hands in his, pushed up her sleeves, revealing old scars on her wrists, and some scabs, but he knew those were from last week. He pushed her slleves up further-- there they were. Fresh scabs.
"Ly," he sighed, pulling her to her feet, "why've you got t do this? It breaks my heart."
"No it doesn't," Lydia sneered, looking at him through dark lashes. "You pretend it does. Don't touch me." She yanked her arms away from him and turned to walk away, but he secured her in a bear hug from behind, wrapping his strong arms around her and keeping her there, though she tried to get away.

iI don't want to be the one

Who battles always choose

Cos inside I realize

That I'm the one confused.../i

"I'm serious," he said softly in her ear, brushing aside her long, straight black hair. "You need to stop this."
"Make me."
She wrenched herself from his grasp and dashed up the stairs and flung the curtains closed on her door frame. They had taken her door because she liked to slam it well and often.

Lydia sat there at the foot of her bed, face in her hands, salty tears running down her slleves and over her scabs. She could not stop the strange feeling of contempt inside her. She loved them both, Remus and Sirius, one as a brother, the other as something more, but she didn't want to stick around to see what happened next. The days of him whispering sweet- nothings in her hear and holding her tight were gone, replaced by cold days of sadness and bad news. Why couldn't she escape?

iI don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

I'm breaking the habit tonight.../i