Note: Thankyou to all my reviewers. Here is your next instalment, I hope
you like it.
Chapter 3: Mr Aaaaaannderson
Alarm Clock: Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Neo: Bleurgh.
Alarm Clock: 10:30 AM
Neo: Oh, SHIT!
Neo is late for work. What a clever boy. He gets in his rusty old car and drives to the company he works for. He is called to the boss's office.
Boss: Anderson, come in.
Neo: Yes sir.
Boss: Now, you are aware that you have been late these past few...weeks.
Neo: Yes, sir.
Boss: I don't know why. Is it incessant partying? Drinking? I don't care. But bear this in mind. If you are late again, your arse can kiss the pavement.
Neo blinks.
Boss: You will be FIRED.
Neo: *eep*
Boss: So get to work, you lemming!
Neo: Yessir.
He returns, shameful, to his cubicle. A guy peers over the wall.
Guy: Late again, Anderson?
Neo: Yeah.
Guy: You know, I was scripted to be in the original Matrix.
Neo: Good for you. Now piss off.
He sits and stares at his blank computer screen. Things just hadn't been the same since his computer had been taken away. It was difficult to send emails with just a monitor. A Fed-Ex guy arrives.
Fed-Ex Guy: Hello. I'm from Fed-Ex.
Neo: I know. Do you have a package for me?
F-E G: Sure do. Here y'go. Sign here, will you?
The Fed-Ex guy presents Neo with a package and a form. Neo signs it.
F-E G: Hey, your name isn't George Bush.
Neo: Who says?
F-E G: REALLY? You're the president of the USA? Oh my God!!!!
Neo: Go away.
So the Fed-Ex guy disappears. Neo cautiously opens the package. Inside is a mobile phone.
Neo: Erm?
Phone: Rrrrriiiiinnnnggggg!
Neo: [Answering] Hello?
Random phone guy: Hello! Are you having cesspit problems? Worry no more with Suck-Cess! Call 1800 CESS-PIT!
Neo: Well, come to think of it-
Morpheus: Hello? Neo?
Neo: Ohh, you! I was listening to that.
Morpheus: Neo, you're in danger.
Neo: Morpheus.
Morpheus: DUH!! Now, you need to run to an office at the other end of the corridor. People are coming to find you.
Neo: Eep.
Morpheus: Crouch so you look strange. Go! GO!!
Neo goes. He does look pretty strange, too. He legs it to the end, where he finds a deserted office. Entering, he hears footsteps.
Neo: Ok, what do I do? I'm going to be caught!
Morpheus: Yep. But climb out the window, and head towards the scaffolding. Don't worry, it's not a very long way. And there are only fifty storeys between you and the ground. There's nice comfortable cement down there.
Neo: Are you crazy??
Morpheus: Perhaps. Please, Neo, do this to humour me.
Neo: Anyway, how do you know I'm going to be caught?
Morpheus: I know a lot of things.
Neo: Okay. Give me five facts about Carrie-Anne Moss.
Morpheus: Hmmm.she has her own secret dressing for salad, she likes Pop Rocks.er, she likes purple, was named after a Hollies song and starred in Chocolat as Caroline Clairmont.
Neo: That was weird. How do you do that?
Author: A more appropriate question would be, why do I know that?
Morpheus: Bye! [Hangs up]
Neo: It's not worth it.
He is caught and led to a car by small men in black suits.
Neo: # We are the men in black. #
Suit guy: No, Mr Anderson, WE are the men in black. You are not.
Trinity is sitting on her motorbike in front of the car, peering in the wing mirror. She seems to be watching.
Trinity: Shit.
Sarcastic reader: What's wrong NOW?
Trinity: My lipstick is smudged!
She drives away.
Neo: Are we going to a theme park? Are we? Are we?
The guys ignore him. After a while they arrive at their destination, and they drag Neo out of the car. He is led to a padded greyish room which has grids everywhere. This is to make it seem more mechanised. Neo sits down, and the guys leave and re-enter, this time making a big entrance.
Guy 1: Hobbit SMITH!
Guy 2: Hobbit OTHER GUY!
Guy 3: And.Hobbit SOMEBODY!!
Neo: Wooo! [claps]
Hobbit Smith sits down opposite Neo at the table.
Smith: Hello, Mr Baaaaaggggiiiinnnnsss.
Neo: Buzzzz!!! Wrong answer!
Smith: Oops. Wrong file. One sec.
He searches through the files.
Smith: Reeves.Moss.Fishburne.Pantoliano.Smith.Hey! How did that get in there?...Anderson. Here we are. Let me start again. [Pauses] Mr Aaaaanderson.
Neo: How do you know my name?
Smith: Your ID badge.
Badge: Hello! My name is THOMAS ANDERSON.
Neo: Oh.
Smith: Now, Mr Aaaanderson, it seems you have been living two lives. In one life, you are Thomas Anderson, office worker at Megadurex Ltd. In the other, you are on a quest to destroy the One Ring under the alias of Fro-
Neo: Buzzz! Incorrect answer!
Smith: You know what I mean. And that buzzing is incredibly irritating.
Neo: How about I give you the finger.
He does.
Neo: .And you give me a phone call.
Smith: Mr Aaaaaanderson, what use is a phone call..when you have pants on your head?
Neo: What?
Author: Don't ask me.
Smith: Muahahaha!
Neo finds a pair of Love Kylie pants on his head.
Neo: Whoa! Frills! Cool! Anyway, I can talk with these pants on. I just can't see.
He removes the pants and stuffs them in his pocket. Still overcome with frilliness, the two less important hobbits grab him and rip his shirt open. He fights back.
Author: I'm writing this story, and I want some Keanu chest!
Neo: Keanuwho?
He is plonked down on the table and Hobbit Somebody produces a feather.
Neo: No! Nooo! Not the feather! Anything but the feather! Please!!
Smith: Very well. Put this in your pocket.
Smith hands him a small metal keyring. It is a tracking device, but of course Neo doesn't know that.
Neo: Do I have to?
Smith: It's either that or the navel bug.
Neo: Keyring it is, then.
He puts it in his pocket.
Readers: Boooooring.
Author: I challenge you to do better!
***
Neo sits up in bed, panting.
Neo: I had the weirdest dream.some guy named Trinity was doing Cabaret with Dogstar. Oh, no, wait, that was the night before last. No, there were hobbits.grids.and a keyring.
Suddenly-
Author: That word will be popping up a lot, by the way.
Readers: Shut up and get on with it!
Suddenly Neo is under a random bridge somewhere. It's dark and rainy.
Readers: How did he get there, then? Why is he there?
A car pulls up. The door opens and Trinity is inside.
Trinity: Get in.
He does. A blonde girl in the front pulls a gun on him.
Neo: AAAAH!
Trinity: Legolas! You'll scare him.
Legolas: Sorry. I like doing that.
Trinity: Snapoc, step on the gas.
Snapoc: Harry Pottttter.
Neo: Sorry?
Snapoc: Sorry, force of habit. You know me.
Neo: Well, no, I don't actually.
Trinity: Neo, keep still. You've been keyringed.
Neo: I know. What you going to do about it?
Trinity lifts up a huge gun thing.
Trinity: Stand clear. Keep still.
She puts the gun to his pocket and zaps.
Neo: AARGH! Couldn't you just have taken it out?
They drive to a building somewhere. I don't know where, you don't know where, and Neo doesn't know where.
Neo: I don't know where.
If you want to find out where, wait for the next instalment of LORD OF THE MATRIX!
Chapter 3: Mr Aaaaaannderson
Alarm Clock: Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Neo: Bleurgh.
Alarm Clock: 10:30 AM
Neo: Oh, SHIT!
Neo is late for work. What a clever boy. He gets in his rusty old car and drives to the company he works for. He is called to the boss's office.
Boss: Anderson, come in.
Neo: Yes sir.
Boss: Now, you are aware that you have been late these past few...weeks.
Neo: Yes, sir.
Boss: I don't know why. Is it incessant partying? Drinking? I don't care. But bear this in mind. If you are late again, your arse can kiss the pavement.
Neo blinks.
Boss: You will be FIRED.
Neo: *eep*
Boss: So get to work, you lemming!
Neo: Yessir.
He returns, shameful, to his cubicle. A guy peers over the wall.
Guy: Late again, Anderson?
Neo: Yeah.
Guy: You know, I was scripted to be in the original Matrix.
Neo: Good for you. Now piss off.
He sits and stares at his blank computer screen. Things just hadn't been the same since his computer had been taken away. It was difficult to send emails with just a monitor. A Fed-Ex guy arrives.
Fed-Ex Guy: Hello. I'm from Fed-Ex.
Neo: I know. Do you have a package for me?
F-E G: Sure do. Here y'go. Sign here, will you?
The Fed-Ex guy presents Neo with a package and a form. Neo signs it.
F-E G: Hey, your name isn't George Bush.
Neo: Who says?
F-E G: REALLY? You're the president of the USA? Oh my God!!!!
Neo: Go away.
So the Fed-Ex guy disappears. Neo cautiously opens the package. Inside is a mobile phone.
Neo: Erm?
Phone: Rrrrriiiiinnnnggggg!
Neo: [Answering] Hello?
Random phone guy: Hello! Are you having cesspit problems? Worry no more with Suck-Cess! Call 1800 CESS-PIT!
Neo: Well, come to think of it-
Morpheus: Hello? Neo?
Neo: Ohh, you! I was listening to that.
Morpheus: Neo, you're in danger.
Neo: Morpheus.
Morpheus: DUH!! Now, you need to run to an office at the other end of the corridor. People are coming to find you.
Neo: Eep.
Morpheus: Crouch so you look strange. Go! GO!!
Neo goes. He does look pretty strange, too. He legs it to the end, where he finds a deserted office. Entering, he hears footsteps.
Neo: Ok, what do I do? I'm going to be caught!
Morpheus: Yep. But climb out the window, and head towards the scaffolding. Don't worry, it's not a very long way. And there are only fifty storeys between you and the ground. There's nice comfortable cement down there.
Neo: Are you crazy??
Morpheus: Perhaps. Please, Neo, do this to humour me.
Neo: Anyway, how do you know I'm going to be caught?
Morpheus: I know a lot of things.
Neo: Okay. Give me five facts about Carrie-Anne Moss.
Morpheus: Hmmm.she has her own secret dressing for salad, she likes Pop Rocks.er, she likes purple, was named after a Hollies song and starred in Chocolat as Caroline Clairmont.
Neo: That was weird. How do you do that?
Author: A more appropriate question would be, why do I know that?
Morpheus: Bye! [Hangs up]
Neo: It's not worth it.
He is caught and led to a car by small men in black suits.
Neo: # We are the men in black. #
Suit guy: No, Mr Anderson, WE are the men in black. You are not.
Trinity is sitting on her motorbike in front of the car, peering in the wing mirror. She seems to be watching.
Trinity: Shit.
Sarcastic reader: What's wrong NOW?
Trinity: My lipstick is smudged!
She drives away.
Neo: Are we going to a theme park? Are we? Are we?
The guys ignore him. After a while they arrive at their destination, and they drag Neo out of the car. He is led to a padded greyish room which has grids everywhere. This is to make it seem more mechanised. Neo sits down, and the guys leave and re-enter, this time making a big entrance.
Guy 1: Hobbit SMITH!
Guy 2: Hobbit OTHER GUY!
Guy 3: And.Hobbit SOMEBODY!!
Neo: Wooo! [claps]
Hobbit Smith sits down opposite Neo at the table.
Smith: Hello, Mr Baaaaaggggiiiinnnnsss.
Neo: Buzzzz!!! Wrong answer!
Smith: Oops. Wrong file. One sec.
He searches through the files.
Smith: Reeves.Moss.Fishburne.Pantoliano.Smith.Hey! How did that get in there?...Anderson. Here we are. Let me start again. [Pauses] Mr Aaaaanderson.
Neo: How do you know my name?
Smith: Your ID badge.
Badge: Hello! My name is THOMAS ANDERSON.
Neo: Oh.
Smith: Now, Mr Aaaanderson, it seems you have been living two lives. In one life, you are Thomas Anderson, office worker at Megadurex Ltd. In the other, you are on a quest to destroy the One Ring under the alias of Fro-
Neo: Buzzz! Incorrect answer!
Smith: You know what I mean. And that buzzing is incredibly irritating.
Neo: How about I give you the finger.
He does.
Neo: .And you give me a phone call.
Smith: Mr Aaaaaanderson, what use is a phone call..when you have pants on your head?
Neo: What?
Author: Don't ask me.
Smith: Muahahaha!
Neo finds a pair of Love Kylie pants on his head.
Neo: Whoa! Frills! Cool! Anyway, I can talk with these pants on. I just can't see.
He removes the pants and stuffs them in his pocket. Still overcome with frilliness, the two less important hobbits grab him and rip his shirt open. He fights back.
Author: I'm writing this story, and I want some Keanu chest!
Neo: Keanuwho?
He is plonked down on the table and Hobbit Somebody produces a feather.
Neo: No! Nooo! Not the feather! Anything but the feather! Please!!
Smith: Very well. Put this in your pocket.
Smith hands him a small metal keyring. It is a tracking device, but of course Neo doesn't know that.
Neo: Do I have to?
Smith: It's either that or the navel bug.
Neo: Keyring it is, then.
He puts it in his pocket.
Readers: Boooooring.
Author: I challenge you to do better!
***
Neo sits up in bed, panting.
Neo: I had the weirdest dream.some guy named Trinity was doing Cabaret with Dogstar. Oh, no, wait, that was the night before last. No, there were hobbits.grids.and a keyring.
Suddenly-
Author: That word will be popping up a lot, by the way.
Readers: Shut up and get on with it!
Suddenly Neo is under a random bridge somewhere. It's dark and rainy.
Readers: How did he get there, then? Why is he there?
A car pulls up. The door opens and Trinity is inside.
Trinity: Get in.
He does. A blonde girl in the front pulls a gun on him.
Neo: AAAAH!
Trinity: Legolas! You'll scare him.
Legolas: Sorry. I like doing that.
Trinity: Snapoc, step on the gas.
Snapoc: Harry Pottttter.
Neo: Sorry?
Snapoc: Sorry, force of habit. You know me.
Neo: Well, no, I don't actually.
Trinity: Neo, keep still. You've been keyringed.
Neo: I know. What you going to do about it?
Trinity lifts up a huge gun thing.
Trinity: Stand clear. Keep still.
She puts the gun to his pocket and zaps.
Neo: AARGH! Couldn't you just have taken it out?
They drive to a building somewhere. I don't know where, you don't know where, and Neo doesn't know where.
Neo: I don't know where.
If you want to find out where, wait for the next instalment of LORD OF THE MATRIX!