Chapter 4: Morpheus Speaks
Last time we left our hero, he was wondering where he was. Flashback:
Neo: I don't know.
On with the story!
Author: I know.
Neo: Do you?
Author: Shut up or I kill you off.
Neo: Jeez! Someone's stressy.
The four of them head to a random room in the random building. Trinity opens the door and motions for Neo to go in.
Neo: Are you coming in?
Trinity: Nope. We're going to get high on caffeine. If you need us, we'll be in the coffee bar.
There is a big guy standing in the corner, looking out of the window. He is wearing a maroon bathrobe and he has a big afro. Gracing the centre of the floor are two black armchairs. The guy turns round and smiles. He has sunglasses perched on the end of his nose.
Guy: Hey, Neo!
Neo: Morpheus.
Morpheus: No less, sista. Sit down.
Neo: [Sits down] Soooo.what is the Matrix?
Morpheus: Neo, have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real, that when you woke up you weren't sure whether you were awake or still dreaming?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Oh. Well, say yes, so it seems more interesting.
Neo: Okay. Yes.
Some serious rabbiting ensues. And because the author hasn't seen the Matrix for a few weeks, she's forgotten what Morph said. So.
Morpheus: Blah blah.rabbit hole.this is the anthem, throw all your hands up.wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark.blah blah blah.it's the remix to ignition, it's hot and fresh out the kitchen.blah.he was a sk8er boi.she said see you later boi.i'm too evil for my shirt..blah blah.dream of californication.these wounds won't seem to heal.bring me to life.
Neo: Wow. Are you on drugs?
Morpheus: No. Now, in my hand I have two pills.
Neo: Are they drugs?
Morpheus: No!!
Neo: Really, Morpheus. This is a PG-13 fic. Swearing is acceptable but drugs? Tsk tsk.
Morpheus puts the red pill in his left hand, the blue pill in his right. His third hand scratches his bottom.
Morpheus: WHAT???
Author: Oops. Sorry.
Morpheus's third hand is actually scratching his head.
Morpheus: That's more like it. Now, you have a choice, Neo. Take the blue pill and you'll wake up at home, remembering nothing about this and two stone lighter.
Neo: Hmm.
Morpheus: But take the red pill and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. And you won't have to worry about a haircut for a while.
Neo: What rabbit hole?
Morpheus: The metaphorical one.
Neo: I don't see no metamaphorical rabbit hole.
Morpheus: Just take it.
He does. Suddenly everything changes. He is sitting in a tatty chair surrounded by wires and computers. There is a mirror next to Neo. He looks in it and it cracks.
Author: Wait. Sex gods don't crack mirrors.
The following scene has been removed because it caused the author's brain to melt.
Author: Random enough for ya?
Neo wakes up in a vat of goo.
Neo: Ewww! Is this lubricant?
Author: Hell, no.
Neo: Well, what is it?
Author: Nobody knows. It has the consistency of hair gel. Actually, it could well be.
Neo: Cool. Oh my god! Lots of plugs and wires! OH NO! MY HAIR!
Author: OH NO! HIS HAIR!
The wires ping off Neo.
Wires: Ping!
Neo: Okay.
A freaky robot flying thing comes to Neo's pod and pulls the plug out of Neo's head.
Neo: Ow.
Something happens and Neo is sucked into a pool of water.
Neo: [splashing] Aaagh! I can't swim!
Author: You couldn't before.
Neo: Oh yeah.
***
Neo is splashing about still. A metal claw comes down and grabs. It misses. It goes back up. It comes down again, grabs, and misses him. Again. This happens several times until it finally grabs him. Then he is on a bench with a lot of needles in him.
Readers: Eeew!
Author: Yeah, eww.
Neo opens his eyes.
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
Morpheus: There's a fly in your eye.
Neo: Oh. [Pause] Yuck.
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world.
Neo: Huh? [Pause] Oh.
Morpheus: Come with me. Let's meet the crew, and then I'll show you the Matrix. By the way, this is the Nebuchadnezzar.
Neo: Nebnezzy. Got it.
He leads Neo to the main deck.
Morpheus: Right. This is Tank, operator of the ship, and this is Poser, his brother.
Tank: Hey.
Poser: Yo dude. I am the coolest. I'm a skater.
Neo: Cool.
Morpheus: This is Legolas, Trinity - you'll have met her -
Neo: Her?
Morpheus: - and Snapoc.
Snapoc: Harry Potter.
Neo: What is it with this Happy Rotter stuff?
Morpheus: Ah, yes, and that guy, Siphon.
Siphon: Sluuuuuuurp.
Morpheus: *Ahem* This is Louse. He's the youngest member of the crew.
Louse: Beep.
Morpheus: So, are you ready to see fake reality?
Neo: Any time.
Tank. Setzt.
Neo does. A painful plug goes into the back of his head.
Everything is white.
Morpheus: Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.
Morpheus is sitting in a red armchair. There are two, and they are facing a television. Neo is dressed in his normal clothes, with sexy hair and no plugs.
Neo: How come.
Morpheus: RSI.
Neo: Repetitive strain injury?
Morpheus: No, Residual self-image. It's what your mind remembered you to look like before you were unplugged. And your plugs are gone.
Neo: Ooh.
Morpheus: Ok. So when you were unplugged it was 1999. But really, it's closer to 2199. We have no idea. But this is what the world looked like as you know it.
The television is switched on. It shows Emmer Green. Which is possibly the most boring town in merrie England.
Neo: Boy, am I glad I don't live there.
Author: Boy, are you lucky.
Morpheus: And *click* this is what the world looks like today.
The television shows naked lesbians kissing.
Neo: Take me there!
Morpheus: Oops. I mean, this. *Click*
The television now shows something bad. Everything has been destroyed.
Neo: Jesus.
So, what will happen? Will Sophie continue with these annoying endings? Will the hobbits come back? Will anything interesting happen? Tune in next time!
Last time we left our hero, he was wondering where he was. Flashback:
Neo: I don't know.
On with the story!
Author: I know.
Neo: Do you?
Author: Shut up or I kill you off.
Neo: Jeez! Someone's stressy.
The four of them head to a random room in the random building. Trinity opens the door and motions for Neo to go in.
Neo: Are you coming in?
Trinity: Nope. We're going to get high on caffeine. If you need us, we'll be in the coffee bar.
There is a big guy standing in the corner, looking out of the window. He is wearing a maroon bathrobe and he has a big afro. Gracing the centre of the floor are two black armchairs. The guy turns round and smiles. He has sunglasses perched on the end of his nose.
Guy: Hey, Neo!
Neo: Morpheus.
Morpheus: No less, sista. Sit down.
Neo: [Sits down] Soooo.what is the Matrix?
Morpheus: Neo, have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real, that when you woke up you weren't sure whether you were awake or still dreaming?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Oh. Well, say yes, so it seems more interesting.
Neo: Okay. Yes.
Some serious rabbiting ensues. And because the author hasn't seen the Matrix for a few weeks, she's forgotten what Morph said. So.
Morpheus: Blah blah.rabbit hole.this is the anthem, throw all your hands up.wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark.blah blah blah.it's the remix to ignition, it's hot and fresh out the kitchen.blah.he was a sk8er boi.she said see you later boi.i'm too evil for my shirt..blah blah.dream of californication.these wounds won't seem to heal.bring me to life.
Neo: Wow. Are you on drugs?
Morpheus: No. Now, in my hand I have two pills.
Neo: Are they drugs?
Morpheus: No!!
Neo: Really, Morpheus. This is a PG-13 fic. Swearing is acceptable but drugs? Tsk tsk.
Morpheus puts the red pill in his left hand, the blue pill in his right. His third hand scratches his bottom.
Morpheus: WHAT???
Author: Oops. Sorry.
Morpheus's third hand is actually scratching his head.
Morpheus: That's more like it. Now, you have a choice, Neo. Take the blue pill and you'll wake up at home, remembering nothing about this and two stone lighter.
Neo: Hmm.
Morpheus: But take the red pill and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. And you won't have to worry about a haircut for a while.
Neo: What rabbit hole?
Morpheus: The metaphorical one.
Neo: I don't see no metamaphorical rabbit hole.
Morpheus: Just take it.
He does. Suddenly everything changes. He is sitting in a tatty chair surrounded by wires and computers. There is a mirror next to Neo. He looks in it and it cracks.
Author: Wait. Sex gods don't crack mirrors.
The following scene has been removed because it caused the author's brain to melt.
Author: Random enough for ya?
Neo wakes up in a vat of goo.
Neo: Ewww! Is this lubricant?
Author: Hell, no.
Neo: Well, what is it?
Author: Nobody knows. It has the consistency of hair gel. Actually, it could well be.
Neo: Cool. Oh my god! Lots of plugs and wires! OH NO! MY HAIR!
Author: OH NO! HIS HAIR!
The wires ping off Neo.
Wires: Ping!
Neo: Okay.
A freaky robot flying thing comes to Neo's pod and pulls the plug out of Neo's head.
Neo: Ow.
Something happens and Neo is sucked into a pool of water.
Neo: [splashing] Aaagh! I can't swim!
Author: You couldn't before.
Neo: Oh yeah.
***
Neo is splashing about still. A metal claw comes down and grabs. It misses. It goes back up. It comes down again, grabs, and misses him. Again. This happens several times until it finally grabs him. Then he is on a bench with a lot of needles in him.
Readers: Eeew!
Author: Yeah, eww.
Neo opens his eyes.
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
Morpheus: There's a fly in your eye.
Neo: Oh. [Pause] Yuck.
Morpheus: Welcome to the real world.
Neo: Huh? [Pause] Oh.
Morpheus: Come with me. Let's meet the crew, and then I'll show you the Matrix. By the way, this is the Nebuchadnezzar.
Neo: Nebnezzy. Got it.
He leads Neo to the main deck.
Morpheus: Right. This is Tank, operator of the ship, and this is Poser, his brother.
Tank: Hey.
Poser: Yo dude. I am the coolest. I'm a skater.
Neo: Cool.
Morpheus: This is Legolas, Trinity - you'll have met her -
Neo: Her?
Morpheus: - and Snapoc.
Snapoc: Harry Potter.
Neo: What is it with this Happy Rotter stuff?
Morpheus: Ah, yes, and that guy, Siphon.
Siphon: Sluuuuuuurp.
Morpheus: *Ahem* This is Louse. He's the youngest member of the crew.
Louse: Beep.
Morpheus: So, are you ready to see fake reality?
Neo: Any time.
Tank. Setzt.
Neo does. A painful plug goes into the back of his head.
Everything is white.
Morpheus: Welcome to the Matrix, Neo.
Morpheus is sitting in a red armchair. There are two, and they are facing a television. Neo is dressed in his normal clothes, with sexy hair and no plugs.
Neo: How come.
Morpheus: RSI.
Neo: Repetitive strain injury?
Morpheus: No, Residual self-image. It's what your mind remembered you to look like before you were unplugged. And your plugs are gone.
Neo: Ooh.
Morpheus: Ok. So when you were unplugged it was 1999. But really, it's closer to 2199. We have no idea. But this is what the world looked like as you know it.
The television is switched on. It shows Emmer Green. Which is possibly the most boring town in merrie England.
Neo: Boy, am I glad I don't live there.
Author: Boy, are you lucky.
Morpheus: And *click* this is what the world looks like today.
The television shows naked lesbians kissing.
Neo: Take me there!
Morpheus: Oops. I mean, this. *Click*
The television now shows something bad. Everything has been destroyed.
Neo: Jesus.
So, what will happen? Will Sophie continue with these annoying endings? Will the hobbits come back? Will anything interesting happen? Tune in next time!