Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 9
Chapter 2: Where the Blame Lies
A few of the X-Men had moved to quieter part of the mansion – a barely used living room that was only generally accessed by the adults of the mansion occasionally.
Inside, a fire crackled, and the ticking of a clock on the mantle droned consistently. The lights weren't on, but the flames of the fire lit the room up, but strange shadows skittered and flickered across the room, stalking their owners. Somewhere in another part of the mansion, someone's radio could be heard faintly. otherwise, silence remained in the room between all of the friends.
Piotr sat on the floor near the fire, a bottle of beer dangling from his fingertips, Scott stood near the window, gazing outside, pensive and rigid. Rogue was sitting at one end of a brown cracked leather couch, Kitty at the other side. Both girls were holding glasses of whiskey, but neither had been able to bring themselves to drink.
"What now…" Piotr finally broke the silence to Scott, "what will they do now?" he asked softly. Piotr himself seemed to be feeling some guilt, although Rogue couldn't imagine why. He wasn't exactly friendly with Remy. Perhaps it was the fact that he and Illyana had headed in through the garage doors which were closer, and had surpassed the foyer to go for some hot chocolate in the kitchen – and thus had missed the chance to stop Remy from jumping.
Rogue kept seeing the scene play over and over in her mind, it seemed to run backwards then forwards, letting her experience it again and again. She closed her eyes tightly and tried to force out the vision of it, as fresh tears stung her tired puffy eyes. Her face was streaked with mascara, her nose pink and runny.
Scott didn't turn to speak to his friends, he folded his arms, "we're going to wait until tomorrow morning…until Professor Xavier, Logan and Ororo arrive, then we can try to come up with a plan."
"Why didn't you just call the police?" Rogue asked, her voice cold. She felt it would have been like Scott to do the right thing and notify the authorities, and even in all her grief she resented him for that.
"Because we don't need the police around here right now. We might have proven his innocence to ourselves, but to them…that's a whole different matter," Scott pointed out. "Besides…we need to investigate ourselves what caused it…"
"So why aren't you?" Rogue demanded, "instead of standing there staring out of the window as if you're too lazy to even try…" she stood up, the fresh tears trickled down her cheek and she wiped them away.
"Do you want me to jump into questioning you all?" Scott asked pointedly, he turned and frowned at her, "or would you rather me give you time to let the grief settle FIRST?"
Rogue turned away from him, "I can't believe you're just standing there while Remy's dead…something happened, he wouldn't have just tried to kill himself…"
Kitty raised her head and looked at Rogue, but didn't speak.
"Oh come on, Rogue, you read the newspapers, we all did," Scott sat on the windowsill, arms folded, keeping a steady glance in her direction. "He was on all kinds of medication – for mental disorders – even losing his memories isn't going to fix that, Rogue."
Rogue shuddered, she closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears, "he wouldn't have…he wouldn't just go and kill himself for no reason…Remy was methodical with everything, and he wouldn't just go and do something stupid like that unless he had a reason!"
"And the reason being he had a mental disorder…" Scott remarked, "You know as well as I do that Remy has had some pretty unstable moments."
"He has never been unstable, Scott!" Rogue yelled.
"Oh? Trying to kill a guy for raping you?…that doesn't sound stable to me, Rogue," Scott stated, although instantly regretting it from the look on her face, she looked as if she might explode with rage any moment.
Rogue swallowed her anger, held her breath, then stated calmly, "he did that out of love, and however unconventional was…it did not make him unstable…" she clenched her fists at her sides, "and it proves my point, there was a reason behind it, something to drive him to it…"
Scott paused, thinking for a moment, "okay, you want a motive for his suicide? How about the amnesia. Not knowing who he was had to have put some strain on him…"
Kitty pressed her hands to her face to stifle a sob, she couldn't stand this arguing, and couldn't stand the guilt. She'd known the instant she'd seen Remy hanging from the banister, that it had been her fault. She'd never be able to live with herself. The more she heard the pain in Rogue's voice, saw the expressions of heartache twist upon her face, the more she felt the guilt pushing at her, urging her to speak.
"Perhaps this is my fault," Piotr spoke up, "I…I had words with him earlier today…I was…intimidating…perhaps I drove him to suicide out of fear…?" his cornflower blue eyes were full of guilt.
Rogue gaped, "you what…"
"No…wait…" Kitty finally stammered through tears, finally realising that no matter how bad the truth was, she had to tell Rogue why Remy had killed himself. Even if she had to live with Rogue hating her for the rest of her life, and had to remain guilty for all eternity, it was still the right thing to do.
They all turned to her, looking at her curiously, now it was apparent that her grief was not just from the death of Remy, but…from something else.
"Don't…don't blame him…" Kitty drew her breath, and sniffed, "It was me…" she said softly, "I did it. It's my fault."
They all gaped at Kitty with expressions of shock, mouths hanging open, staring at her in absolute disbelief.
"What are you talking about?" Scott queried, looking grim as ever, "how could it be your fault, you didn't push him off the balcony…"
Kitty sighed, "It was tearing him apart…I had to tell him, it was hurting him…" she said.
"Tell him…?" Rogue asked, her heart felt as if it might have stopped beating for a moment, and her chest tightened so that she could almost barely breathe. Surely her best friend could not be responsible for the death of Remy…surely this was all a nightmare. "What did you tell him?"
"Everything," Kitty stammered.
"Everything?" Rogue asked.
Kitty inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, and tried to remain calm, she said carefully, "Everything."
Rogue stammered, "You…you didn't…tell him everything…"
"About Bella Donna, You…how Jared died…everything…I had to, he wasn't remembering and I was desperate to help him! You didn't see how confused he was, you didn't see how it was eating at him, I had to tell him, Rogue!" Kitty tried to explain.
"Oh my god, you…you're where the blame lies! Your 'truth' caused him to throw himself off the banister with a noose around his neck!!" Rogue hollered, "you might as well have pushed him!" she threw her glass of whiskey at Kitty and it barely missed her, shattered upon the carpet.
"Don't you think I know that?!" Kitty yelled back, "I didn't think he was going to throw himself off the foyer balcony, did I?" she demanded, "god I knew he was a little stressed but I didn't know he was suicidal!"
"You should have been thinking clearly!" Rogue yelled, "no one is ready to hear that!" she threw herself towards Kitty, hands out.
Kitty instinctively phased herself so that Rogue passed through her, "I don't want to fight with you, Rogue!"
"I can't believe you did this!!" Rogue shrieked in angst, regaining her balance, "I lost him because of you! – My best FRIEND!"
"I just lost him too! Are you forgetting he was also MY friend?!" Kitty demanded, her eyes pouring with tears now.
"You didn't love him the way I did!" Rogue screamed, "you've just cost me the only man I've ever loved! And after all your pushin' for me to try and sort things out with him you've gone and done this! Now I'll never get to say goodbye to him! I'll never get to say I loved him!"
"I know that…" Kitty put her hands to her face, she felt Piotr's strong hands upon her shoulders squeezing comfortingly. "It wasn't like I was trying to force him into killing himself…" she sobbed, "I was just trying to do the right thing!"
"How am I ever gonna forgive you for this?!" Rogue clenched her fists, she silently prayed to herself that any moment she'd wake up and this would all have been some awful nightmare. But if this were all a nightmare, Rogue had to admit it was probably the ultimate nightmare she'd always secretly prayed she'd never live through.
"I'm not asking you to forgive me!" Kitty cried at her, "I told you because it was the right thing to do, not because I wanted relief from guilt!"
"Are you forgetting Kitty has also lost her parents as of recent…this is the last thing she needs," Piotr said to Rogue, he squeezed Kitty's tiny shoulders tenderly once again to comfort her, and Kitty was grateful just for that tiny piece of solace his touch allowed.
"Of course, Kitty is the only one here in this room who's allowed to feel any emotion!" Rogue cried hysterically,
"Quiet! All of you!" Scott said loudly, he stood in between Kitty and Rogue, he looked at Rogue with a severe expression, "whilst Kitty's words may have driven Gambit to what he did, you have to remember he had free will, he did what he did of his own free will, Kitty didn't push him, all she did was be honest. What Gambit did with that information was his choice, that doesn't mean Kitty was to blame."
"I can't believe you're sticking up for her!" Rogue frowned, "it's like you don't even care!"
"Don't be stupid, Rogue, of course I care, we all do," Scott said firmly, "Gambit WAS still one of the X-Men…a friend."
"Not to you," Rogue turned and headed for the door, left slamming behind her, and the remaining X-Men in the room heard the wall rattle and the echoes of the slam carry down the hall.