Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 9

Chapter 4:  I'm Sorry

          Kitty Pryde's hands were shaking uncontrollably as she tried to pour herself a cup of coffee, the cup in her hand rattled off of the counter, she sniffled and tried to control herself but grief was overwhelming her as it had seemed to overwhelm Rogue.

          "Let me do that," Kurt Wagner offered, he came up behind her and took the coffee pot from her, "Kitty, you're a wreck…"

          "I'm sorry," Kitty whispered, she moved back slowly, spilling a little of the hot coffee upon the floor from what had been in her cup, she put a hand to her face, feeling so helpless and pathetic right at that moment. 

          "Kitty, sit down…" Kurt pleaded, "I'll deal with this," he promised.

          Kitty sat down at the kitchen table, head in her hands, "I keep wishing I'd wake up – this all has to be some dream, right?" she half-sobbed into her palms.

          "I wish it was," Kurt sighed unhappily, he grabbed a dishcloth from the counter and began to wipe the spilled coffee from the floor.

          "It really was my fault, Kurt…" Kitty shuddered, "My fault he's dead…"

          "That's not true," Kurt assured, "Kitty, you might have told him what he needed to know – and what he was eventually going to know anyway – but you didn't make him do what he did, that was his choice, not yours."

          "But it was too soon…too soon…" Kitty was trembling with emotion, "I'm a murderer..."

          "That's just nonsense," Kurt sighed, he finished pouring her coffee and put the cup down in front of her, "you're just upset.  When you've began to deal with this and accept it, you'll feel better…"

          "How can I accept this?!" Kitty demanded in more tears, "I may as well have pushed him!"

          "But you didn't…" Kurt took her hands within his and held them tightly, "Kitty, look at me…" he said softly.

          Kitty raised her eyes from the cup to his pale eyes, her lip trembling.

          "Remy was unstable…I read all about it in the papers…"

          Kitty nodded, blinking tears, "I know, he…he even told me he'd tried before…but…I didn't think…I just…god I don't know, I thought if I was his friend, if I was there for him, that it'd stop it from happening again…I…I didn't want to lose anyone else…"

          "The man who committed suicide was NOT Remy LeBeau, you know that," Kurt said, "he was a different person entirely, living in a body that had once belonged to a consciousness that was no longer existing…"

          Kitty nodded slightly, "you can say what you like, but I know this is my fault, Kurt…I know this is my fault because I haven't been dealing with my own grief…and because of my own denial I've not been thinking clearly on how to handle Remy's problems…"

          "That's not true…" Kurt gaped at her, "You're grieving, its understandable, but you needed to try and help Remy because you have a good heart and a good soul, not because you were trying to avoid your parents death.  You've been dealing by trying to carry on with your life…that's not a crime."

          Kitty looked down to the table distantly, "have you checked on Rogue?  You know she's pretty upset…she'll need you right now."

          "I think I should keep my distance from Rogue right now," Kurt sighed, he traced a deep scratch in the wood of the pine table absently with his index finger.

"Why?" Kitty raised her teary eyes back to him looking at him with much confusion.

"I…uhm…" Kurt chewed his lip.

"What did you do?" Kitty began to feel rather concerned.

"Whilst trying to comfort her I inadvertently said the wrong thing…" Kurt admitted regretfully.

"What did you say?" Kitty leaned back in her chair, frowning.

"That…uhm…in the grand scheme of things that it was meant to be?"

"God, that wasn't what Rogue needed to hear right now, you stupid Elf," Kitty stood up, swatting the back of Kurt's head angrily, hard enough to hurt slightly, not hard enough to cause any real damage. 

"I said I was sorry, look, she just took it the wrong way, you know my feelings on fate…" Kurt said, "sometimes these things are fated."

"Was it fated that my parents died?" Kitty asked with a frown, "was that meant to be too!?"

Kurt shrugged deeper down into his chair, "I think I've dug myself into a deeper hole than I was already in."

          "One more stupid comment about people dying being fate and you might as well dig your OWN grave because one of us will surely kill you," Kitty frowned.

          "Where are you going?" Kurt asked, about to stand.

          "You sit there, you've done enough damage," Kitty ordered, "I'm going to go apologise to Rogue."

Rogue couldn't sleep, although she felt so worn out by the tears that sleep felt inevitable, it did not come and every time she closed her eyes she saw Remy again upon the balcony throwing himself off.  The vision in her mind seemed to run in slow motion, and the jump Remy made seemed so balletic and graceful.  Rogue could still hear the snapping of his neck so vividly in her own imagination, it haunted her, and she felt it would for a very long time.

          It kept playing itself over and over in her head, that sound, making her feel sick at the thought of it, and being in the isolation of her room – with the only sound being the ticking of a clock on the wall – she felt like she would slowly go mad if she remained.

          There was a sharp knock at the door, and Rogue pulled herself up from her bed, "who is it?" she asked, drying her face to make sure no tears were remaining.

          "It's me," Kitty's voice replied, and the door opened slowly, "I…uhm…I just wanted to check you were okay…" she said softly, she looked at Rogue through dull tired blue eyes, eyes that were red and puffy from crying.

          Rogue snorted in slight disdain of the comment, "okay?  I don't think I'll ever be okay again," she looked down to the floor, "all I am is…drained," she pressed a hand to her forehead, it felt hot and fevered against her cold hands, "cried until feels like I have no tears left…" she mumbled.

          Kitty stepped in, closing the door behind herself quietly, "doesn't feel real, does it?" she asked softly, "feels like some…nightmare…something that's all in the mind…"

          Rogue nodded, rubbing her head, "I know."

          Kitty walked over and sat beside her on the bed, "god…why did I let us get separated…?"

"Huh?" Rogue asked, turning to her, feeling bleary eyed and weary.

Kitty stared into space, "it all went by so fast…" she sniffed, "one minute, we're in his apartment, finding out the place had been broken into, then…suddenly we're running, police coming from every direction, we ended up on the roof, but there was nowhere to run…and ironically we went down the fire escape – I remember bitching at him because it was such a stupid plan…"

Rogue remained still, and silent, and listened as Kitty recalled the last moments of the true Remy LeBeau's presence.

"He was exhausted…" Kitty whispered, "his face was…pink, there was sweat pouring from his face, his eyes looked fevered…intense…afraid, I'd never seen him so afraid…" Kitty's eyes began to tear up again, "I whined…my legs were hurting…he told me we didn't have time to hurt…"

Rogue bit into her lip, still listening, if she'd had any more tears within her, she'd have cried too.

"We got to the bottom, and out of the alley we were in there were police cars…four or five…the lights flashing everywhere, I grabbed onto his sleeve, I remember the feel of that fabric against my hands, it was threadbare and rough…" Kitty gave a half-laugh, "funny the things that stand out in a crisis…"

Rogue nodded, still paying attention with intense fascination.

"Cops spotted us, Remy had his staff, swung out at them, knocking them over," she gave a slight laugh, "like dominoes…it was…" she closed her eyes, seeing it all in her head, "then…I did the stupidest thing, I figured phasing us into the building would get us out of there, but there were more cops in there…they had us surrounded.  He…he turned himself in, just like that…" Kitty shook her head, "a cop told me to stand against the wall so he could frisk me…" she opened her eyes, tears streamed down her face, "and I looked at Remy, and he looked back at me…and he was smiling – he had that look, you know, the knowing smirk…"

"God I know that smirk so well…" Rogue whispered sadly.

"When I saw that look, I figured he had a plan…but then…the next morning on the news…well…you know…" Kitty wiped her face but half sobbed, "god why didn't I stay with him…I could have stopped him from ever having been shot…" she broke into tears in her hands.

Rogue put her hand softly on Kitty's back, "it's not your fault…" she whispered, "I…I've had time to think, and…I know Remy was reckless…I know…he had problems…and…it couldn't just be you who was the cause of what he did…"

"I'm sorry, Rogue…" Kitty sobbed, "I'm just really sorry…I thought I was doing the right thing by helping…I just…I thought I could avoid having to think about my parents by helping Remy…but I made things worse…I should have listened to Hank…he knew I couldn't handle it and I acted like I always know better…and I don't…"

Rogue half hugged Kitty, trying desperately not to let their skin touch, still very conscious of her powers being very active – especially not with her gloves on at that very moment.  "Kitty…you weren't trying to avoid your parents death…you were just…I don't know, trying to help Remy because, you're a good person…you always do stuff like that, you have a good heart…"

Kitty wiped her tears, stammering, "that's what Kurt said."

"As much as I'm mad at him right now…I'm glad he agrees," Rogue said softly.

An awkward silence fell over the room, Rogue finally decided to break it by speaking, though her voice was full of emotion as if tears might threaten to spill again, "has Scott decided what we're going to do about…about the body...?"

Kitty stood up and walked over to the dresser, she sat down and picked up a tissue, dabbing at her slightly damp cheeks, "I think they're waiting for the professor to arrive…which should be within the next seven hours…" Kitty looked at the clock on the wall, it was past two am, the Professor was scheduled to be back at nine am in the morning.  Hopefully is arrival would be on time, as this matter needed to be attended quickly.

"What do you think they'll do?" Rogue asked, staring at the floor distantly.

"I don't know," Kitty said, "I don't think there's much they can do really…"
          "Hank won't…won't cut him up, will he?" Rogue asked, raising her eyes from the floor to look at Kitty.

"No…" Kitty shook her head, "Hank isn't a forensic scientist – and I don't think he'd do an autopsy…he'd leave that for the police…and besides, we know the cause of death…"

"That's true," Rogue agreed, "I…I just couldn't stand the thought of someone doing that to Remy…" she shivered, "he's been through enough…"

"I'll talk to Hank, I'll make sure he won't cut him up…" Kitty promised.

"Okay…" Rogue drew in a deep breath, "Okay…"