Darkness in the Twilight
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By Psycho Ferret and LunarCrystal
Resignation
When it came time to go to the palace, Celena felt apprehensive, and she didn't doubt that Allen felt just as bad. It was a horrible carriage ride. Allen had always ridden a horse to the city, sometimes with Celena on her own mare riding next to him. But it was very different to pull up in front of the palace gates in a carriage.
She stepped out first, which was not lady like. It was the lady that would wait for the gentlemen to help her step down to the marble pathways - but Celena needed to guide her brother down, and she felt the stewards around her stare. Silently, she led him into the palace.
Allen was known well among the palace gatherers, and to see him made them pleased. Until they noticed the lack of courtly glistening in his pretty eyes, the fact that he rested a hand on his sister's forearm for guidance. When they reached the doors to the meeting room, he turned his head slightly towards her.
"Wait here," he murmured, and slipped inside. There, Gaddes led him to a seat and Allen didn't have to be able to see to know the other knights stared.
He, the most honored, the youngest... there was something different about him.
"How are you holding up, boss?" asked Gaddes from behind Allen, since Allen needed to stand with the 12 other Caeli Knights.
Allen shook his head slightly. He would be fine for now. The uniform had once more been donned, the blood and mess cleaned lovingly from the cloth with many thanks to Celena. He looked as proper and fine as he always did... besides that vacant look in his unseeing eyes.
"The people have turned to hordes!" cried one of the Caeli Knights, an older man with dark hair, long as was the fashion of their country.
"It is true!" said another knight, and the soldiers were beginning to stir behind the line of Knights. "All they need is food, but there is none to be had. Your majesty. What do you intend to do in this matter?"
The king quieted the group of soldiers gathered, addressing other problems first. One of the other knights had sustained a grievous injury as well. Even though he was there and focused, the beginnings of gangrene had begun to grow in a festering, horrible wound in his arm. Later... that would have to go...
And now, so would he.
The man was graceful in his resignation and Allen tensed visibly in front of Gaddes, his throat tightening. Other injuries were spouted off, though no others resigned and slipped outside until Allen.
He could feel the king's eyes upon him and he turned his head to face him, though he could not see the wizened face he knew very well. Millerna was there, likely, beside her father as well. A pity that she, too, had to see him like this.
He did not hear the king's long spoken speech, full of notifications of glory and wonder in Allen's "short servitude." The blonde felt his heart constrict. All he had worked to, he had gained and held onto with honor and pride. And after such a short time, it was wrenched from him.
"...his untimely resignation..." was all he heard. Allen had a mind to kneel before the king, with Gaddes' aid, murmuring his resignation calmly, as if he'd been planning it all along. He didn't have a choice but to accept the choice gracefully. Numbly, the blonde walked alongside Gaddes, who continuously peered at Allen worriedly, stepping out of the double doors and behind them, the king continued, speaking of the unfortunates of the city.
But Allen heard none of it. He just wanted to get home. Get away from the pairs of eyes staring at him, boring into him.
Celena did not wait outside of the court long. Not twenty minutes went by before she saw her brother come out, being led by Gaddes. Fear gripped her, she stumbled toward them, taking Allen's hand.
"What in the world happened? What of the riots? What . . .?"
"We will return home," Allen answered stiffly, continuing to walk towards the entrance to the palace. There was a respectful salute given by the soldiers there, the same that the knight before him had been graced with when he'd left. But Allen noticed none of it. The grief tugged at his heart, tearing at it. So much for continuing to live his life the way he had before. The carriage ride back was stiff and silent, and when they reached the manor, Allen didn't argue when Celena helped him out and towards the house.
"You will not talk to me," commented Celena, "You have changed. You resign to my aid and do not speak." But in her sorrow, she'd failed to tell him when they'd reached the steps of their home.
Allen managed to catch himself on the banister as he stumbled and stayed there for a long moment before slowly sinking to his knees. His shoulders slumped forward, uncaring of the dust and dirt that once more marred the pristine uniform. He didn't care anymore. It didn't matter.
"Resign... he... I was forced to resign," he muttered, his voice trembling. Here, no eyes would stare, but for his sister's and those few servants they kept there. His shoulder's shook, his hands trembling as they clutched themselves to his chest. Oh, and the ache would not fade, would not even begin to wane.
Celena crumbled, felt her soul shrivel up and wilt. With his words, everything around her but her brother melted away. She fell next to him, and could not stop the tears that were already flowing. "No," she breathed, her voice shaking and the word wavered, "No, it cannot be . . ."
She could not stop herself from sobbing, or from embracing her brother. "Allen, it cannot be true..."
"Lost it... I... I've lost everything except for you," he whispered, clinging to her in an almost frantic manner. His head was bowed, long hair slipping over his shoulders to hide the tears building in unseeing eyes. He'd lost it...
Everything he had become was gone. He had fallen further than he'd ever expected. Ever. He had no title now, he had nothing... nothing except a reputation now spoiled by his blindness, his own loathing, and a few, scattered friends who were still loyal to him. But how long would that last, even?
Celena sobbed, and was comforted that Allen held her. She felt his distress, his tears falling upon her own cheeks. Such was the way of the Schezars . . .
"We are cursed . . ." she breathed. Her arms tightened around him, her tears soaking into the leather and silk of the uniform of the Caeli Knights.
Allen would not have believed such a thing a few short months ago. But now...
The blonde knight whimpered softly, burying his face into her shoulder. They had only each other, now. The uniform once worn with pride, carefully kept clean and unmarred... he didn't care. The dirt and tears that soaked into it went ignored, the sword at his side... that didn't matter either, in the end, did it? He didn't have a reason to fight anymore.
Which left him questioning just why he was still alive. No, Allen was not looking for his death, he was not going to take his life himself... at least not now. He still had Celena to take care of... or rather, she to take care of him.
Time seemed to stand still at that moment, or rather, Celena did not know how much time had passed as they sat on their front steps and cried the sorrow out of their hearts. The sun had begun to set, and it seemed that Celena could cry no longer. She cupped Allen's face in her hands, gazing up him painfully with her own sapphire orbs, before kissing his tears.
"We must go inside, Allen." And she kissed his nose, snoodling him and feeling the chill of the night as it was about to descend.
Allen miserably, wearily allowed himself to be led inside and to the parlor where he sat heavily, numbly down on the couch. He clasped his gloved hands before him, staring blindly at them for a long moment.
The tears had dried away and stopped by then, his head bowed, blonde hair slipping over his shoulders. It was so hard to believe, so difficult to pass off as reality. In such a short amount of time, he had everything ripped away from him, as if by some vicious god seeking vengeance.
In the next few days, there was a silent fog around their home. The fog was not uncommon to the manor, being so close to the shore. But it was as if the area, their home, was reflecting the heavy feelings that filled the Schezar manor. Allen's uniform was folded and put away lovingly into a chest, but it was as if some part of him died that day he was forced to resign from the knights.
Celena didn't know how to deal with his sudden melancholy. Even when he was told of his blindness, it seemed he still had something to live for and retained some sort of happiness to work towards a goal. What goal did he have now? Why would he need to fight? Allen had kept to his rooms for whole days, and it was only when Celena forced him to his feet and dragged him into the bathing room that he bathed at all.
It was only when Celena insisted that his hair be brushed that he was sit dumbly and allow her to brush his hair. The fog was unrelenting, and it drifted across the hills and through the trees of the forests just beyond their manor courtyard. As children, they had loved to play in fog – even though it had been cold and their mother scolded them for it. But they had loved to hide it in, and Allen especially finding joy in sneaking up on his little sister.
But that was when they were young. There was a grim determination in Celena, aside from training with Gaddes without her brother's permission. All she really wanted was to see his carefree smile again. After she had come home, there was hardly a day that went by when Allen did flash her a kind smile. In a confident pace, she went to his room one day, walking in without knocking. It didn't matter anymore. She was the only one to ever visit his rooms.
"Allen," she said with forced delight, plastering a smile on her face despite the bedraggled appearance of her brother. "I was thinking we could go for a walk outside today."
Gaddes was worried about Allen. It was as if the energy that had lingered, the charisma, everything about him just... faded. Even if Allen wasn't a knight anymore, Gaddes still cared, he still came by nearly every day to talk to Celena, to check up on how he was doing. Even if it was the same answer every day.
Allen preferred his silence, drawing away from others. What did he have left, after all? There was no honor in being forced to resign, especially so young. But it was fitting, wasn't it? The youngest knight to be accepted an the youngest knight to resign. Allen grew bitter, loathing. The only constants he had were his moroseness, his sister and Gaddes. It wasn't enough. After the loss of his sister, Allen had craved others needing him, had needed to be wanted, and that desire had carried over even after Celena had been returned to him. But who would he help now? He was just a cripple...
He was aware that at first, some of his fellow... nae, once fellow knights of Caeli visited him, but they had long since stopped when they'd seen the bitterness that had knotted inside of him. When he spoke of not wanting anyone's pity, especially theirs.
Sometimes when he couldn't sleep, as it had become recently that he could not, he would glide outside of his room and wander aimlessly, eventually finding himself crouched next to the chest that held his uniform, one pale, ungloved hand brushing against the surface of it. Memories. But they were all broken and charred, locked away.
Allen used to love taking walks, especially in the fog. Sometimes, after Celena had been taken, he would wander into the fog and stay there, listening and hearing her voice, her laughter until someone from the manor would fetch him and bring him inside. But now... what use did he have for walks? He could not see the countryside now, nor the smile on his sister's face. He couldn't walk about the city to make sure things were alright. He didn't have that duty anymore. He didn't... he didn't deserve it.
He was just a cripple after all.
And thus, he stayed silent... what was there to say to her offer that had not been said before? He would not argue it if she chose to take him. And he would not argue if she left him to his bitterness. It didn't matter any more.
She carried his cloak draped over her arm as if she'd already been expecting him to agree. . . as if he didn't have a choice. And when Celena put her mind to something, it ended with him in fact not having the choice. The garment was thick, heavy wool to keep out the chill, and without so much as a warning Celena dropped it into his lap.
"Not that you have a choice in the matter," she finished, her tone a bit clipped in annoyance.
Allen sighed softly. Of course he didn't have a choice. When did he ever have a choice in anything nowadays? Now, even she was being short with him. Of course, he couldn't blame her... and deep down he knew it was his own fault. He couldn't blame anyone else for that.
Numbly, Allen lifted the cloak and tugged it on, clasping it. It was reflex, the way he straightened it so, even if it did not matter. Who would be there to see him, after all?
It hurt to know that he was neglected so by all except Gaddes and Celena... if he recalled correctly, even Millerna had not come to show her sympathies. Oh well... she didn't need to see him this way any more than any other did.
Celena had already donned her own wool cloak, a brooch at her clavicle. Her brother followed silently behind her, downstairs where they stopped in the foyer before the front doors. She saw the forgotten cane upon the wall, took it, and pressed it into Allen's numb grasp.
"Please, Allen," she told him gently, "Stop being stubborn."
Allen had a mind to argue, but his lips stayed shut. Of course, they rarely didn't. He paused for a moment, then relented and curled his fingers about the cane.
Pride... he didn't have any of that left. What was the use? Everyone knew he was a cripple... he might as well play the part. He didn't have to show his strength any more, he didn't have a reputation to keep up any more. Just who would care, after all?
Celena heaved a heavy sigh from her lungs, giving into his silence yet again. She opened the door and led her brother out onto the grounds of their home. The fog was indeed thick that morning, and it made her thankful for the cloak she wore. She looked to her brother, cloaked and holding his cane. He wasn't using it. All she could do was shake her head.
They stepped into the boundaries of the forests on their lands. "When will you ever talk to me again, you stubborn bastard." she admonished quietly.
Allen sighed, turning his head away slightly. He wasn't sure. He wasn't really sure why he wasn't talking to her.. or anyone else for that matter. Sometimes there'd be snatchings of replies from him, though rarely, and hardly ever long at all.
Before all of this, Allen would have refused to leave without his sword, but now... what could he do? Their roles had switched all of a sudden. It wasn't Allen who was caring for his sibling... it was she that was caring for him.
Celena had already led him deep into the forest, where the smell of the ocean was strongest. They were near their family's private beach inlet. More fond memories flashed through her mind, but she had to push them aside. She wrenched her arm free of her brother's dependant grasp, something of a low growl emitting from her throat.
"If you do not speak to me, I will leave you here to find your own way home." she threatened angrily.
It brought him some amusement to think of... and wonder if she really would. Allen walked quietly forward until he felt the packed sand give way beneath his boots and he sat own, tugging his knees to his chest.
Would it really be so bad, after all? It would be easy that way... she could just leave him there. A test of his will, perhaps? A test to see if he wanted to die or not? He hadn't yet decided. As time had gone on, the bitterness was wretched and ate at him constantly. It was not a happy existence. So what did he have?
But a small voice inside of him nudged him away from that path. Celena was still there, after all. He had to protect her, didn't he?
Understanding did not reach her, nor did rationality. From where she stood she watched her brother move to the beach, and there sat in the sand. Where had she gone wrong? When will this bitterness end? These questions and more, she found herself asking. From that dreadful day when his condition was confirmed, it had all gone horribly wrong.
There was no cure for such sadness, nothing to quell the clench of it in her heart. Deaf were her ears to her own wail of anguish. It could not be helped. Celena had finally reached her capacity, and there, crying, she dropped to her knees and hid her face in her fair hands.
Allen bowed his head against his knees silently, listening to her cry. He had done that. It was his fault...
But he could not find the kindness within him to apologize for it, to comfort her. He had no comfort for himself... what could he give another? After all that had happened, Allen clung to what little he had left for himself. What little kindness he had left within him, he tugged close frantically, what pity and sacrifice... who would know that he had it? He'd keep it close...
It did hurt to hear her cry, but he was numb from a constant stream of pain. His emotions battered him, tore at him... and evidently tore at his sister, too.
Sobbing and sniffling, she managed to crawl to him on the sandy beach, grasping him as she cried more tears. She had failed him, it seemed. There was nothing she could have done to bring him back from his silence.
Even as she pleaded, "Please, Allen, speak to me, speak to me. Say that you love me, tell me that you hate me, anything!" she came to understand that it might all be for naught.
It might soon be the end, she had realized. There was only so much pain her heavy heart could bear. It was slowly reaching it's limit. Celena had felt her brother's life ebb like the tides before her own weeping eyes. Resigning from the royal regiment was one thing - but if she didn't do something soon, she felt he might resign his life entirely.
Allen could do naught but tug her close with an arm when she came to him. He had no words to spare, wisely keeping his mouth shut. If he spoke, it would make things worse. He had nothing kind to say.
Surely the king had known what losing his knighthood would do to him. But then again... they were all just pawns to him, weren't they? They were there to do his bidding, follow him without question. Surely... Allen had been replaced by now. Replaced and accepted by the other knights, just as they had accepted him when he replaced another. It was their way.
It hurt to think of how expendable they were, all of them.
"If you do not speak," managed Celena once her weeping gave her a headache, "Then I will not only leave you, but I will leave the manor and join the knights in your place."
Her voice betrayed her and showed her devastation, but it had a low quality to it that suggested danger. Standing quickly from him, she was already marching away. Deeply in her soul, she pondered at her secrets - and silently wished that he would stop her.
Allen shuddered at her cold brush, turning his head away. He couldn't hear her leaving. He should stop her... he should call her back and tell her how sorry he was, tell her how much he hurt, tell her what a mess he was... but he couldn't.
A knot forced itself into his throat and would not budge.
If he'd been more attentive in that damnable riot, none of this would have happened.
They'd fought fate before... why couldn't he do it again?
This time... he didn't have the others with him. Only Celena and Gaddes were there. And who was Allen Schezar, anyway, now without his knighthood. Who could he fight in this embittered, horrid state he was in.
He should have stopped her, but he couldn't.
Idly, he wondered if they'd even take her.
"If anything," she said lastly before she was out of his earshot, "I'll join Asturian forces. It might be a pleasant thing to be away from your damnable bitterness and cruelty." She didn't really want to go back to their home yet, to pack or do anything. For the time being, she settled herself to wandering the forest - to finally have some peace and time to herself.
Thoughts of the Caeli Knights had once been dreams to her. How her soul had begged to wear the proud blue and white uniform her brother donned when he was on duty. Even now, should couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt in indulging in that dream, so close to making it real. Since childhood, her brother chided her for wanting to be a swordswoman. The dream wasn't so wrong - and now it felt like her only way to escape her sorrow - Allen's sorrow.
Allen tugged his knees tightly to his chest, bowing his head. Now... this damned run of horrid luck had run his sister away, as well.
Nae... not bad luck. It was his own fault. Because he couldn't do anything anymore, because he'd said nothing, because he'd been a selfish little git that couldn't see past his own aches and worries and sorrows to see those he was causing in another. Namely, his sister.
He'd known he'd been hurting her all along, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. Pressing the palms of his shaking hands to his eyes to attempt to keep the tears from falling, he curled up where he was, miserably. He knew the forest well... but there were visual signs he used to navigate it. He couldn't now. He couldn't find his way back.