I really should thank Tala1 for this, since it was (almost) completely based on an RP with her acting the part of Tao Ren and me acting the part of Tao Jun XD Not my usual type of work – I'm not much for humorfic - but it was too funny to resist turning into story form. This whole thing is just WRONG, but I typed it up so there it is ^_^ v Now, this was going to be a one-shot and part of 'Left Unsaid,' but it was too long and too weird.
Warnings: Nekkid!Ren, severe OOC, mild self-insertion, perverted humor and random silliness.
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Monday Morning
Tao Jun, oldest and only daughter of the Tao family, skilled priestess, caller of the dead, and benevolent guardian to her younger sibling (on whom all the hopes of the family happened to rest) was…drooling.
Yes, drooling. Well, who wouldn't?
Must get all nasty perverted incestual thoughts out of head. Must NOT think such things about otoutochan. It's wrong to want your brother, it's wrong to want your brother, it's wrong to want your brother…
Needless to say, the familiar mantra had no effect. Jun wanted to hunt frantically for a bucket – if only she could peel her eyes off the sight before her.
Faintly tanned skin stretched taut, smooth and flawless over coiled muscle, every movement a graceful slide. The naked body which currently displaying itself to her eyes was a study in the art of male perfection (and had a hot ass to boot.)
It was too bad said body belonged to none other than, of course, Tao Ren.
Poor, poor Jun had the worst luck sometimes. It's one thing to accidentally walk in on someone naked in the bathroom, another for said person to be related to you, and yet another for said naked relation to look that good. Silently, Jun cursed the gods for the lack of justice in the world.
Of course, gods being gods, and Murphy's Law being Murphy's Law, the result was that Ren turned around. And – yep, you've guessed it – looked her right in the eye.
"Neesan, what the hell-?"
The tall dao-shi choked, face going through several interesting shades of red as she collected her scrambled thoughts, and was made suddenly aware of why she had come to open the bathroom door in the first place.
"GET OUT, OTOUTO! I NEED TO GOOOOOOO~!"
And that was how Tao Ren came to find himself locked out of his own bathroom…with no clothes on and only a fluffy towel to preserve what dignity he had left. Oh, if only the author had a camera…
Ren glared at a certain point near the ceiling. "Not you again." The statement carried the same inflection one would use if one found out that they had stepped on a very large, squishy, and disgusting bug.
-Ehe. Sorry.-
"You better be."
-It's my story, Ren-kun! Shush now – I think I feel a brainwave coming on.-
The Chinese boy was fairly sure he heard a faint giggle, and then the suspicious tapping of keys.
"K'so!"
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It took a while until Ren stopped threatening to destroy the door with his kwan-dao, countered by Jun with dire threats of what she would do to him if he even attempted to lay an eye on her during her bathroom, a.k.a. her 'private' time. Ren had replied that gee, hadn't she just done that to him? To which she had replied that no, because he was male and she was female, there was a big difference, and that he would be sorry if he even tried to get a peek inside said room. Ren had countered with sullen silence and stalked off, presumably to find some clothing.
Jun waited until the sound of his angry stamps and mutterings of 'Why the hell did this house get designed with only ONE bloody bathroom, for Kami's sake? There should be thirty-three!' before very, very, very quietly creeping to the window and unlatching it.
"Hurry up. He's bound to figure out what I did soon."
"Arigatou…demo…Jun...."
"Mmh?"
"What you wanted in return…? What's it for?"
"You ask me that again, Usui Horokeu, and I'll do to you what I told Ren I'd do to him."
Another voice cut through Horohoro's shocked protest, sounding highly amused. "You mean it was possible? I didn't know all those things could be done to a single person…"
Even softer, a third voice replied, "Not all at once anyway," before the bathroom was filled with the sound of several people having a giggle fit.
Jun twitched.
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A steady flow of profanity poured from Ren's mouth as he went through the house, wrenching open chests and closets before slamming them shut again in a sort of frustrated mini-whirlwind of fury.
"WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL MY CLOTHES? BASON?! BASON!? DID YOU SEE WHO TOOK THEM? No way in hell am I wearing a woman's dress…! BASOOOON!"
The spirit of the Chinese general was nowhere to be seen. Even the Annoying Authoress was silent…although Ren could still hear the faint clicking that signified that someone…somewhere…was typing. Muhahaha.
"BASON!? WHERE ARE YOU!? KISAMAAAAAAAA!"
Ten minutes later, Ren had to accept that by some phenomenon, every single article of his clothing had disappeared from the Tao household. By this time, he had run out of swearwords, and was reduced to random, incoherent mutters of pure rage.
All of a sudden, in the middle of the red haze suffusing his brain, something clicked.
"NEESAN!"
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"Uh-oh. I think I'd better get out now."
"It's okay, Jun-san," drawled the unmistakably lazy tones of Asakura Yoh. "We'll…ah, distract him while you leave." He laughed in his trademark and downright strange Yoh-way.
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"Hell…"
All right, something was up here. His older sister had suddenly vanished from the face of the Tao estate, along with his spirit, and all other not-as-important family members and servants. The ordinary kyonshii couldn't help, because their vocal cords were mostly in various stages of decomposition, and-
Ren turned the corner. And goggled.
"…the hell."
He was overusing that statement again. Didn't that fool writer know her characters? 'What the hell' was something some other member of the shaman community might use – but Ren knew how he spoke, and the word he used was 'kisama.'
-Look, man, I'm just filling in. It's not like the authoress is here at the moment. Sorry.-
Ren ignored the annoying little voice and kept staring. You couldn't exactly blame him.
Because Li Pailong was battling what looked like a purple rabbit. An angry purple rabbit. And angry purple rabbit that had been crushed by a car at least three times, probably more.
And Li Pailong was losing.
As the Chinese teen watched, DaoDanDoh's inventor flung down an oddly shaped black plastic object and swore at the television screen, where the…rabbit-thing?...danced like a maniac.
Ren shook his head and walked away. It looked like this day just wasn't getting any better…
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*siiigh.* I dunno. Is it funny enough? Should I continue? And—back off, Maroku! Putting in Pailong and a videogame is a bit much!
Maroku: Hrrrmph. You weren't there, I thought I'd stand in.
…Oh, forget it. It all depends on the lovely reviews. Tell me what you think of this! ^^;