« Final – a Nightmare… »
Disclaimer : Saiyuki's characters are not mine as anybody with a bit of brain knows… Fortunately for the characters, so that they can sleep at night, unlike me.
A/N : No more installement scheduled after that till summer break, sorry, work is work…
Warnings :
Slightly AU obviously.
Yaoi (or pre-yaoi, should I say ?) hinted.
Dark.
English isn't my language : any help welcome to improve it (even if I thank people who said they could bear it… If you prefer keep your critics about my English out of ff.net, as you like it, my e-mail is in my profile…)
Reviewers' corner : Down below, please…
***
Prologue
« Dreams are interesting, aren't they ? They show us the strangest of events, they make you see things you wouldn't be able see in the real world. You've got sometimes the feeling to be out of your own body looking at the scene… And in spite of that you don't understand it's a dream till the last second, the one when you wake up… »
While speaking, the female youkai leaned towards his son who was smiling brightly at her, even if he was hiding mischievously half of his face under the bed's sheets.
« Antique peoples have thought for centuries and centuries that there was some kind of Dream Gate, which could give you glimpses of your future, even if it is all of your own to recognize them as ones… »
And the beautiful Rasetsunyo kissed her child goodnight on his forehead, a tender smile on her beautiful and ivory-pale face, before leaving the room.
The youkai child smiled again… He had always loved each of these times whenever his mother was telling him stories about ancient knowledge, magic, or even dreams, like today…
Soon enough, though, he fell asleep. Tomorrow, maybe he would have a new dream to tell his mother about. But when the sun brushed the land of Tenjiku again the morning after, and Hôtô castle especially, Rasetsunyo wasn't able any more to see the daylight. She was already stone.
***
*** Swordsman's dream…******
I am waiting. I know I am, just in front the throne's room's door in Hôtô castle, even if I don't really recognize my surroundings…
However I don't know how much time I have been waiting here. But I do remember something really important has happened just before… But before what ? My spirit is in some kind of fog, and I can't clear my mind… I have the feeling to be blind, because all I can see around me is the… greyness. Not a grey colour… The absence of colour, in fact… Until…
Fire… Fire is coming… Its blazes make me blind again for a few moments more… And its heat is burning my skin and my soul. Kou. The fire is Kou. Somewhere in my spirit I realize it, and like some kind of answer, my sight is clear now, and he is here, just in front of me. As if he has just come through the door. Dark triumph is shining in his eyes. Even if I wouldn't be able to explain how triumph can be dark, and why I have that feeling so strongly, as if I could see in him…
« It is time to free my mother. », he announces.
I do understand the words. I'm unable to understand their meaning. How could it be ? But I walk by his side. This is what I am supposed to do, isn't it ? This is what I always do…
How ? The question is still running in my mind, with the very same rhythm as my hurried footsteps on his trail… How. How. How. How. How. How. How… Did the word echo in the dark corridor like inside my skull ?
He has heard it.
Light and heat are still radiating from him. I can't look at Kou in the eyes, it would make me blind. All I can do is listening to his low voice :
« I handed the Maten Kyoumon to Gyokumen. She had to give me the way to have Her back. She doesn't care any more, anyway. She is ready to revive my father now… »
I handed the Maten Kyoumon ? How has he got it ? He has met the sanzo-ikkou ? When ? Why wasn't I with him ? Always the same question…
How ?
I have to know…
« And what about the sanzo-ikkou ? »
And I tell myself not to let show how much worried I am for my brother. I'm Kou's liege, but it can't totally erase the truth of running blood… He is walking again, one of his fist tightened around something. I hadn't noticed it before. He is still talking to me without slowing down his pace.
« They arrive. They have a resurrection to stop and a sutra to retrieve… »
Fiat lux.
For the first time I understand who Kougaiji really is. A schemer. Ho, Lord ! A torturous mind able to think of something which matches up the events at stakes, now. Maybe he was knowing what to do even before being freed from his own stone prison. For years, I have been hurting because I could see Gyokumen-koushu hurting him, trying to fool him with the vain hope to wake up his mother, using him like a pawn…
And all this time I was wrong. So awfully wrong. All his deeds, all his actions were leading to this one and only aim. This day. The point in the time when all the paths cross. The masks could fall today. The puppet was the one pulling the strings all this time… (1)
« They are coming. They have to. », he says again.
And in his voice I read what I can't in his words. He wants them to come…
« You planned it ? You planned it all, didn't you ? »
And he doesn't even spare a glance for me.
And suddenly I see.
I see the scene as it has just happened, only at a short distance from the castle, less than a few hours before… Kougaiji had left me behind, but strangely I'm here to see… Just like I could have been by standing by his side.
He was waiting for them, without even trying to hide… He was standing proudly on the top of some kind of little hill, not so far away from Hôtô… Wind was blowing around him, his long mahogany tresses dancing in the hair like living flames or hissing snakes… Sometimes, gusts of wind made sing the metallic pendants at his ears, almost inaudible compared to the soon rising storm…
He saw them coming from far away. They saw him waiting long before reaching the place. It was a strange meeting.
The car stopped. Kougaiji walked towards them down the hill, whereas they were coming out of the jeep which in a bright flash of light turned into a well known little white dragon. The creature landed on the driver's shoulder. None of the newcomers talked. Even the golden-eyed child remained unusually silent. They knew things were not like usual. And they knew they had reached the end of their journey.
Slowly, without even trying to take Kougaiji unawares, the monk took out his shoureiju from his robes. He held out his arm quietly, aiming to Kougaiji's solemn face, only inches away from his gun. The bouzu's companions had called their weapons, and the driver had already gathered ki in one of his hand.
« Let us pass. », told eventually the priest.
« Give me the sutra. », answered Kougaiji.
Their eyes met. Violet against violet. The eerie silence lasted a few minutes more. The clash between two willpowers occurred.
Suddenly, without any warning more, the bouzu shot. Even his friends flinched.
Without Kougaiji even moving, blazes shielded him, and the holy bullet disintegrated instantaneously.
« You can't kill me like that .», said my prince quietly. « I already told you that, I remember. »
That's true. And he had said something else to them, that day, by leaving with Yaone. We'll meet again someday. Until then, keep your lives preciously…(2) It was all so clear now.
It's what he had said to them the first day they met. I shouldn't know, should I ? I wasn't there… But I do.
Maybe reacting to a mute signal, the three others attacked him. There was no place for pleasantries today. Kou just smiled and vanished into the thin air, the metallic crescent of my brother's shakujou meeting only emptiness. Kougaiji stroke them like lightning. They had no chance.
First, Goku. He wouldn't have the time to let go of his golden diadem, today. Kou was in his back even before him to understand. The side of a clawed hand met his nape.
He fell.
The monk fired.
The youkai vanished quicker than eyes could see.
Second, my brother. One second Kougaiji was just in front of him, the next one he wasn't any more. Gojyo blinked, never had the time to curse. His weapon glowed, the heat of the metal becoming unbearable, while none of the ones remaining standing could see where their foe was. He let go of his weapon with a gasp of pain. Kougaiji's fist caught him in the jaw, coming from nowhere.
He fell.
The monk fired.
Kougaiji wasn't here any more already.
Third, the green-eyed youkai. He had shouted as my brother fainted. A powerful sphere of glowing ki was already flying towards the agressor as he appeared again. It met a ball of living fire in mid-air. It blowed up, blinding him. Without waiting, Kougaiji's kick sent him flying against the nearest trunk.
He fell.
The monk fired.
Kougaiji only tilted his head, the bullet brushing past his ear.
Once again, he came nearer the bouzu.
« They aren't dead . Give me the sutra. »
« Ch'.», spat Sanzo.
Then the monk began chanting, closing his eyes, half-expecting being hit before the end of the incantation. But Kougaiji didn't touch him. Sanzo opened his eyes on the final words, freeing the amazing power of the Maten Kyoumon. The holy tendrils rushed greedily towards the seemingly helpless youkai. But none of them ever touched him. Because there was no evil in Kougaiji. No intention to kill.
The monk's eyes widened, as the prince grabbed one part of the sutra in his right hand without being affected in any way. Astonished, the blond heard Kougaiji's deep voice chanting the same prayer than him, and saw the sutra joining the sorcerer, its new master.
It defied all that the monk had always thought being Truth… Or maybe it was once again one of the sick jokes of the gods above… He had failed or the sutra had failed him, but who cared? He was even more shocked than the day Homura had been able to steal him the sutra. The holy relic had tried to protect him that day, at least…
And he wouldn't be able to accomplish his mission, stopping Gyumao's resurrection, and this time again, he would have to see people (People… They were so much more than mere « people » to him, these ones laying here unconscious, now) die around him.
Kougaiji couldn't know about these thoughts. Neither should I, thought the disembodied Doku looking at the scene… I thought…
I am here, looking at them, silent spectator, Fate's guest, or simply pale ghost… And once again, I remember something : a strange sentence coming from the past, one evening after much more alcohol drinking than usual…
« With each failure of ours, they come nearer, why should I have to fight before they are here ? I don't hate them… I can't win until the last minute… »
Kougaiji was talking to the space that night. It would have been the same with me not being here.
« If you want it back, come and claim it. Hôtô is not so far away… You should make it in time… », he tells simply the monk. Then, amazingly quickly, he hit the bouzu square in the stomach.
The blond just fell.
The wind, too.
Last one present to blame the standing youkai, the little white dragon is flying angry circles around Kougaji's head, his cries echoing harshly in the silent landscape.
« Take care of them until they wake up. », told simply my prince. Suddenly the white creature grew silent, ruby eyes like bottomless pits of bright redness looking at Kou with a ageless wisdom which I had never thought could have been found in there. The dragon landed on the ground, his long neck arched into a gracious curve, as if accepting the mission.
Then Kougaiji came back here.
***
And suddenly, I am still walking by his side in the corridors, as if nothing had happened.
Till the door. A well-known one. The one which had become a kind of holy sanctuary sheltering the stony prison of Rasetsunyo, Kou's mother… I have been here so much times ! And Kou so much more ! But tonight is different. Yaone and Ririn are standing inside, near the door, silent, solemn, waiting for us in this «chapel»…
And tonight, the fire of hundreds of candles lights the room. The blazes are flickering as if whispering the good new to each other : Rasetsunyo is about to come back to life in this world… I decide to stand near the two girls. I know Kougaji need a few minutes of intimacy… He had waited this moment for so long…
The flames are brighter and brighter since he is here. His power is flowing in the whole room. Blazes so high that they are crawling everywhere, and soon enough along the little ropes under the ceiling where are hanging protecting jufus already in fire, and falling on the stony floor in a rain of burning ashes, like dying butterflies. Kougaiji never flinches each time one of these holy sheets touches his skin.
Each time I look at the ones near me, I have the sickening feeling they can go through me as if I wasn't real. I can't feel them. As for the girls, for all I care right now - how cruel of me - Yaone and Ririn could not be here at all. Kou is looking up at the youkai caught inside the stone in the middle of her move to come out of the pillar.
« Petrified energy, this pillar was petrified energy », had said once Kougaiji… A perfect trap. She had walked in it, lured into it by the magic's call, without knowing what would happen. She had tried to leave it until the very end, then…
From the back of the room, I am still looking at Kougaiji. The thing is glowing in his closed fist. The golden and red of Kou's aura are now mingling with a cold light, and even the burning jufus seem about to freeze. How strange ! It is like falling snowflakes, now… All the room is white and bright as the ice appears on the walls… This power coming from the artefact is hungry, the three of us in the other side of the room can feel it. Hungry of heat, and the closest source is Kou, obviously…
Ho, God ! And I have let him perform that ritual ! How have I thought it wouldn't be a trap and that Gyokumen could be trusted ? I try to walk towards him, but the wind of this power is now screaming in my ears, vertigo takes me and I fall on my knees on the ice-cold floor…
But then, Kougaiji begins chanting and his words are stronger than the cold, and the first cracks on the pillar caused by the icy power are already glowing and growing bigger by the second with each syllable coming from my prince… The first pieces of stone starts leaving the pillar, and joining the chant, a scream fills the whole sanctuary. The scream of wild fear which had come from Rasetsunyo's throat more than half a millenary ago…
And suddenly the stone pillar isn't here any more. Time seems slowing down as a frail silhouette appears in the mid air… The power trapping her had disappeared. And she falls like in a dream. But Kougaiji is here. He has always been. He catches her who is as light as a small bird. And he hugs her tightly and kneels while easing her downfall to the ground…
It's the first time I can really cast a glance at her… Rasetsunyo, the Kougaiji's most treasured person. The motive of all his deeds. His mother. Part of myself knows it can't be. But all is so real : it can't be a dream, can it be ? It would be too cruel to Kougaiji…
They are still in each other's embrace, their body hiding their faces to us, silent spectators left aside in the back of the room. But already we see that nothing in her is like the cold stone which has been her grave for so long… The shade of her bright hair is the one of molten lava, flowing down her narrow shoulders and spreading on her black yukata, richly embroidered of the gold and red intricate patterns of a how so convenient phoenix's feathers. As her face is naturally looking for a shelter against Kougaiji's shoulder, maybe she is not realizing yet she is eventually free. The golden pendants at her ears are jingling with the same little bell's melody as her son's ones.
She is beautiful, indeed. In fact, they are, both of them, beautiful… All we can do, Yaone, Ririn and I is looking at them in awe while they are finding each other reunited together… Their meeting has some kind of overwhelming effect on us. We are as incredulous as they are, certainly.
With feathery and feverish touches, they try learning to know themselves again… And here comes the time for the voice now… They don't talk really, only a few words. « Haha me… » again, and again, with so much love and tenderness, reverence, and this dreamful look… My youkai prince is trying to tame the appearance of the one he had waited for so long, to imprint these features he had treasured for more years than anybody can really imagine, and almost lost so much times when his memory failed him each time that the beloved face was becoming blurry. And the female youkai : she couldn't stop whispering the name of her son, again, again, and again… Looking at him with an intensity I have never seen before. She is looking for her child in this almost stranger. Kougaiji has changed obviously, how couldn't he have ? She looks almost as young as him…
She is free, but Freedom doesn't matter beside the joy to have her child back to her… World doesn't exist any more around us. Around them more exactly. I cross eyes with Yaone, a mute understanding, and I know we will have to break the ecstatic moment of beatitude soon or later… We have heard the rumour of the blowing doors of the fortress (the sanzo-ikkou, who else ?), felt the power which brushed through all of us and announces the use of a powerful magic… And soon enough, we can even hear the screams of the giant bull-youkai coming back to life to defy the gods again and seek revenge… I can hear Gyokumen's triumphal laughter echoing against the black stones of the castle's walls… This last sound seems to wake up the both of them. What else ? The sound of the common enemy… They stand up, looking at us for the first time.
The family look is here, there is no doubt, now that they are just in front of us, but still « tangled » in each other. And the introductions of the people he cares for matters a lot for Kougaiji. It is a few precious minutes more gone before him going and fighting, he knows that. But it is important. It is part of him. It is part of what we love in him.
Leaving at last his mother's arms and standing behind Ririn now, his hands on her narrow shoulders as he feels her nervousness, he says tenderly to Rasetsunyo, looking fondly at the young girl: « Here is my very dear sister. »
Sons always look like their mothers, used to say my mother, either looking at me lovingly, or at the little Gojyo with an obvious contempt. I wish I wouldn't remember these times. I wish I wouldn't be reliving them while looking at Kou's sister… Rasetsunyo's eyes slide on Ririn first with disgust (Gyokumen's daughter, she has understood, not her own, that was for sure. Why should she care ?), and then without no more interest. I feel my heart sinking as I see the pain in the huge green eyes. Kougaiji hasn't seen (or remains oblivious).
The true queen's eyes are venomous on Yaone as Kou talks again, perhaps feeling the violet-haired youkai could be willing to claim part of his son's heart some day… Mine, tells the warning glare on the chemist… Yaone takes a step back. She is still shaking of the brief eye-contact. The metallic copper colour of Rasetsunyo's eyes is burning holes in her spirit, I can feel it.
How do I know ? How do I know ? How, How, How ? My mind whispers once again.
Then, it is me. Something on her face reveals fear as her gaze falls on me. I don't want to know what she has seen.
You killed your mother and she knows it ! My mind claims again. It's irrational. I don't listen. But nothing is rational today, anyway… And I avert my eyes.
Another scream outside. The time for joy is gone. This is the time for war now. I never knew about Kougaiji's father. I always thought the will of this revival was the only thing Kou had in common with Gyokumen. And I know he loves him. Or has loved him. But today, I realize Kougaiji can't let him come back. The destruction's instinct running in his father's blood is too much, even for the whole world to bear it. Only madness would allow somebody to release this frightening power. One glance and I know Kou is about to stand up against his father. He wouldn't have let the sanzo-monk and his crew coming till here otherwise. Kougaiji was going to fight. Ally of former foes. Enemy of his own blood. I know how it is to strike somebody you have loved, or even still love in spite of everything. I am not going to let him alone.
One last time, he kisses his mother reverently on her forehead and whispers in her ear he is going to meet his father. I saw the brightness in her eyes, the smile on her face. She doesn't know anything. Already the premonition of misfortune is haunting the back of my mind, my blood running cold. Till the last moment he keeps her hands in his, until the tips of his fingers left her pale skin while he is taking a step back. He turns around suddenly and strides to the door. On his way, Kougaiji grasps my arm. I was about to follow him.
«Please, wait for me here and take care of them… Onegai. ».
I swear. I let him go. He leaves. What could I do ?
But how can I have ? Another scream coming from the soul…
And we waited. We wait. We are waiting. I don't know very well. I feel my own uneasiness, Yaone's and Ririn's worry. And Rasetsunyo's… blankness. How much time ? Later, I'll guess it has been certainly only a few seconds.
Sounds of fury coming from outside…
Rasetsunyo kneels down. First none of us understand why, all our eyes are on her. Her frail hand reaches towards the floor. Her nails elicit a grim sound from the dark stones before her palm landing flat on the paving, looking for vibes… She smiles dreamily…
« My Gyumao is here… He is coming…», she says softly with her melodious voice.
« I'm going to join him and Kougaiji. », she adds quietly. She is already leaving, and with her beautiful face slightly wistful :
« It's been a so long time… »
Ririn wants to follow her, still worried about her brother. Yaone wouldn't leave her little charge. I am the last wall between Kou's mother and the outside world. I clutch at her arm as she tries to brush past me.
« Let go of me… », she hisses at once.
Sometimes a whisper can hit stronger than a scream. My hand left her arm right away. Touching her has been a sacrilege. Her eyes are looking at me as if wondering how I can even exist. They see through me.
Am I real ? My mind taunts sarcastically, this time… These metallic eyes don't see me. I can't feel my own reality any more. AM I REAL ? ALIVE ? DEAD ???
Kami-sama, I realize just now how much powerful she is… Lethal… I'm even able to guess how much Gyokumen must have feared her when she was still alive : she had her reasons, obviously… I close my eyes, and I see… While Kougaiji is the flame of the living fire, high and bright, she is the earthly fire, hidden, sleeping or crawling under the ground, calm and quiet force moving the world without the knowledge of the mere mortals, boiling of an amazing destruction's power, in spite of her slender and almost frail silhouette… How deceitful can be her fragility… Imagine : a fire which had survived more than 500 years under the cold stone of a pillar…
A fire still able to engulf me.
Dokugakuji.
It is the first gift Kougaiji ever gave to me. Today this name is an anchor for sanity in the turmoil the female youkai's stare has raised in my spirit. My shield against her. I am Dokugakuji. I am Kou's swordsman. I am here and I can open my eyes. I have to.
The room is empty.
I run after them.
I have been running for an eternity, until I can't remember why I run, why I am in such a hurry. The fortress is all darkness. But the light is waiting for me, calling… Far… So far… The fire. Kou. I remember. I reach one of the rare open areas in the castle. The three women are frozen on the spot just before me.
This is not a fight. This is a cataclysm. Amazing opposite powers are wrestling. Gyumao is here, vision of horror. The monk is chanting. The Maten Kyoumen is « his » again, and our last protection. The sutra has recognized him as its master, finally… His companions – my brother included - are trying to help him in his task. Gyokumen's corpse is laying in a corner. In his blind fury, she has been the first one the resurrected youkai had killed (My mind laughs again : How do you know ? HOW DO YOU KNOW ???… And my head hurts…). The scientists she had hired are nowhere to be seen. But a ball of white fur which once looked like a rabbit is near her corpse, stained with blood, left behind by its owner.
The four of us are still here between the darkness of the inside and the brightness of the outside. Kougaiji can be seen, further, walking towards the fighters. Energy is already glowing in his fists and his strong aura makes dance his mahogany tresses around his head in a menacing way. His power so strong he leaves the ground effortlessly, almost flying.
« Fight for your family, Kougaiji ! » breathes softly Rasetsunyo just beside me, her eyes bright in anticipation.
But Kougaiji's powers are directed against his father (even the sanzo-ikkou remains stunned as they behold that) and all colour vanishes from her face… And soon enough, surprise turns into rage. An inhuman sound leaves her throat and power flows from her body, without any control, so alike her husband and king's one… Without any control towards her son…
It hits him through the chest, from behind. Crushing his bones. One last second, he remained motionless in the mid-air…
« How dare you raise your hand against your father, kodomo ! », comes the powerful and strangely crystalline female voice.
I hear Ririn's scream, see the tears already flowing.
I don't understand.
Yaone hugs her tightly, futile attempt trying to hide her the sight of her brother's death, and trying to overcome the weight of her own grief.
I can't understand.
He just falls.
I refuse to understand.
Maybe my own blood is too noisy, ringing in my ears. I don't hear the thud when his body makes contact with the stony ground.
I know.
« How could you Kougaiji ? How could you use your power against your own father ? », she was whispering, the murderess, admonishing endlessly near his ear, her own head bent towards her son, the soft curtain of her bright deep scarlet hair hiding for a while Kougaji's features… And she is cupping her son's face in her beautiful hands, cradling his broken body on her knees.
« You can't ! You just can't ! »
And Gods ! He is still alive… Not understanding, but still looking at her as if he was still fighting to keep her features in his memory before leaving… One hand reaches out towards her face… Velvet claws… Feathery touch on her how so pale skin which hadn't been brushed by the sun since so much time…
But it can't be…
I try to convince my mind again.
« Haha me… ? », comes the laborious breath. He looks so surprised… before dying. His elegant clawed hand falls back on the ground.
The flame died in his body…
The light left his eyes…
All my world turns into darkness… I am blind without his light…
It wasn't more difficult than ten years ago… Not easier either… But it was so crystal-clear for me I had to do this…
So my sword appears in my hand…
I come nearer of the beautiful and mourning woman…
***
And I killed her. Jien or Dokugakuji, I am the same.
« Women's killer, gynecide ! », screamed my mad-driven spirit.
One swift movement of the wrist. Easy like that. Again. And again, again… I saw the scene maybe a million times before I really struck…
Her head fell from her body with a light thud against the antic stones of the palace. Her headless body swayed and went limp backward. Part of her long hair was still hiding Kou's face…
Yet the fight must go on, because the fate of our world may be at stakes now… I can hear Ririn's and Yaone's cries, and the monk, unruffled, still chanting his sutra to keep Gyumao from entering plainly our dimension. I can hear the sound of the torn flesh of the bull-youkai king, the whistling of my brother's weapon, protecting the monk from the other soldiers… I can see the green light of Hakkai's ki and his bloody hands and nails of full youkai (the one I shouldn't know how he looks like in his full-youkai's appearance, but who cares, now ?) trying to inflict the more damage possible on the giant youkai… As for the Seiten taisen Son Goku, he looks really enjoying himself… Maybe he is going to turn against us after… It wouldn't be the first time…
I don't care.
My world is already dead.
I let go of my bloody sword… It disappears, and with it the blood I have shed by killing a mother again…
I retrieve Kougaiji's corpse from his mother's one and just leave…
And then…
***
Dokugakuji looked at his self abandoning the place where he had spent the last few years… As if he wasn't the Dokugakuji walking with the youkai prince's limp body in his arms…
Outside, it was the night. The sky was clear. The stars bright. The coldness in the air was biting his skin deeply. It had been a long walk. But he had no notion of time any more. The sound of war couldn't be heard here. He was far enough from Hôtô castle. Where to go, now ?
He looked down at his precious burden. The same fire than the one burning so far away in these stars above was gone, now and forever, from these lifeless violet eyes.
He missed this fire.
He needed this fire.
(Je fis un feu, l'azur m'ayant abandonné,
Un feu pour être son ami,
Un feu pour m'introduire dans la nuit d'hiver,
Un feu pour vivre mieux.)*
It was a corpse in his arms. And he couldn't bear it any more… But what could he do ? Leave the body in the middle of nowhere, an easy prey for any wandering animal ? Bury him in the ground under his feet ? But it was some kind of heresy… Kou prisoner under the earth ? Under the stones of a cairn ? Gods ! Kou had been prisoner during half a millenary already ! He couldn't let that happen again ! Kougaiji was dead but it was still his duty to protect him… Still his duty…
Kougaiji was the fire : so it had to be his last shelter. And Kougaiji was all light. The light Dokugakuji wanted to see again, even if it was the last time… Because coldness was everywhere, now.
Woodshed. It was the only answer.
He put down the corpse on the ground, all gentleness, like nursing the body of a frail ill child… But it was impossible to mistake the laying form with a sleeper. All life had left… But once again, the swordsman felt the need to shield the youkai prince from the cold breeze. He put off his own white coat to protect the no-sleeper on the ground. He could almost forget the ugly wound on the torso by hiding it under the white fabric.
(Je lui donnai ce que le jour m'avait donné :
Les forêts, les buissons, les champs de blé, les vignes,
Les nids et leurs oiseaux, les maisons et leurs clés,
Les insectes, les fleurs, les fourrures, les fêtes.)*
It had been a frantic search. Every piece of wood he had found. Every little thing useful, or plants dry enough to start the fire, were here. It was a monument. It was a monument worthy of a prince. Woodshed.
The said prince was laying on it, still clad in his subordinate's garment. It took an awful lot of time for Dokugakuji finding the courage to close these violet eyes forever. Then, the two stones in his hands gave birth to a sparkle. In a few seconds, light seemed to come back in the swordsman's eyes… Fire… It was a fascinating sight… So beautiful…
His own and most treasured memories were burning in this fire too, fading, one by one, leaving his mind, he realized at last. It was unbearable. But he wouldn't have done it in any other way, nee ? The last evidence of the bound he had shared with the prince to be delivered to the inferno was his own sword he had called in his hand a few minutes ago. He threw it towards the middle of the blazes. He heard a scream. He didn't know wether it was his or the magical blade's one. (3)
It was like losing Kougaiji once again… It was madness… He could feel it as if looking at himself from the outside… But he could also feel it in him, biting his suffering heart, eating more and more of his soul like the fire seemed to be eating his surroundings, spreading everywhere, like a starving animal…
Fire was crawling on the ground, turning everything into pure golds, yellows and reds… Fire had started in a clearing, but was already attacking the nearest trees of a forest. Animals were all running away, or dying when fire was catching up with them… This arson would last during days and days, long time after the setting of fire. It would be rumoured a long long time after that a lot of habitations, houses, or even little towns, had been confronted to this crawling fire out of gear… Even stars looked so pale in comparison !
Dokugakuji didn't care…
The lonesome youkai stood here during what he felt being an eternity.
(Je vécus au seul bruit des flammes crépitantes,
Au seul parfum de leur chaleur.
J'étais comme un bâteau coulant dans l'eau fermée,
Comme un mort, je n'avais qu'un unique élément.)*
But at some point in the time, Dokugakuji felt the fire was still too far away from him… The whole landscape around him was burning, now, and there still wasn't enough of it… He came nearer and nearer… His skin was hot and dry… He still hadn't enough of it… It was the only reminder Kougaiji had let him : fire. And he wanted all of it…
Still walking, still praying the flames to grow higher and brighter, he held out one of his hand, and fire was dancing between his fingers.
No pain.
Flesh darkened, melt, disappeared…
Still no pain. Fire was so near, his last reminder.
He made another step, towards madness or fire, he didn't care.
The heat was crawling on his whole body. Kougaiji's corpse had been consumed a long time ago, but Dokugakuji was sure he still could reach Him…
Only a step more…
Just a step more…
His tears left his eyes, vanishing into thin air, little frail clouds towards the starry sky, even before he could feel them…
One last step…
He was fire…
He was in fire…
He was following the prince youkai like he had sworn he would do a so long time ago… His body had no more weight, didn't exist any more. He was disappearing…
Somewhere else, not so far away, in a dark fortress, a few people were still fighting for the fate of the world. Nobody was here any more, in this burning landscape, this earthly hellfire, to care about the finality of this struggle…
***
*** End of the dream ? ***
***
…Wake me up inside… (4)
The feeling of silent fall, a soul coming back in its flesh jail.
Dizziness and coldness.
Blood pumping hard in my ears.
I am awake, now. Flat on my back upon the mattress…
Trying to catch my breath desperately…
Looking blankly at the ceiling, my spirit can grasp reality again…
I. Am. Here. And. Now.
It had been all a dream…
I would almost have cried of pure joy…
***
Same night… Later…
He couldn't really remember the long walk from his room towards Kou's quarters, through the dark corridors. He only came back to his mind as he reached the dark wooden door. Like always, the phoenix carved in the panel was still here, in its few hundreds years' silent vigil… But it was the first time he really noticed it. So it had been Rasetsunyo's quarters long ago, he understood… It stopped him in middle move of knocking the door. He wasn't willing to ever touch this wood again.
« Come in ! », called the low voice from inside.
Doku almost laughed hysterically. Never underestimating Kou's hearing. Come to think of it, he never had to knock at this door before. The prince was always inviting him to enter the room first, through the wooden panel. Unlike most of the other people in the fortress.
Rewind to present. He was unable to open the door. He had just heard the prince's voice inside but however was still afraid not finding him in the room. Sometimes the mind is strange. And stronger than reason or willpower. Actually, Kougaiji had to open the door all by himself. He was even about to speak, but the Dokugakuji now in front of him, standing here and somehow looking as if he was a perfect stranger, made the first move…
But nothing was hazardous in this touch. First, one of his hand cupped the side of Kougaiji's face, while the other one was lightly brushing the prince's neck where he could faintly feel the powerful pulse of Kou's heart. Then, he looked during a long minute at the face at arm's length from his. His eyes had first widened, but now Kougaiji was staring back at him with a strange intensity, remaining silent, as if feeling it wasn't words his friend needed right now. Suddenly, taking him aback, his liege brought him into a warm embrace with a deep relieved sigh. The other youkai was prisoner of this bear hug and his breath against the swordsman's shoulder could endlessly tell : alive, alive, he is here and alive… And Doku's arm under the leather jacket tried to make his the warmth radiating like waves from the fire youkai.
So… Good.
But he still could remember, still could feel it : the dead weight of the corpse in his arms, the coldness of the skin… The feeling of this flesh which wasn't Kou any more. The memory of it was so strong, so vivid, it could overwhelm him to the point he had to hold tighter the living body in his arms to brush away the sickening feeling of this hell of a dream.
« Dokugakuji ? », called softly the prince near his ear, one of his arm hugging back with a worried hand put on Doku's shoulder…
Coming back to reality, the prince's friend let go of him, a little embarrassed of such a display of emotion and looking stubbornly at the ground, now…
And again…
« Dokugakuji ? Are you alright ? », asked the prince, a little worried, maybe (hm… obviously, rather).
« Hai. It was just a dream. »
He looked up towards Kougaiji. The prince had had a relieved sigh. Maybe he thought it was a joke. The swordsman wasn't really sure. The tone of the next sentence had something sounding like strained humour. Doku heard the ringing of the silver earrings as Kou moved slightly his head in a strange denial of his previous words. It wasn't just a dream.
« Dokugakuji ? The right arm and bodyguard of Kougaiji afraid of a little dream ? »
But the tease sounded a little missing in the words said with a strange smile which was asking for more. More about the dream.
« It was bad. », answered shortly Doku, breaking eye-contact.
« Come in here… », at last said Kougaiji with a slight wave towards the room. Doku obeyed. The prince kept on talking while giving him a glass of perfumed and strong alcohol.
« When I was a child, my mother told me something about dreams…»
It's the point Doku stopped listening. Why did Kou choose this night among every nights to talk to him about his mother ?
« Tell me your dream. », finally said the prince.
It was an order. He obeyed again. But he left aside a lot of little things (and big ones, too). Kougaiji never blinked during the dream-telling. And he didn't talk after.
***
Midnight talking…
A few drinks and a long silence later…
« What happen when all is over ? »
Because Dokugakuji couldn't help but talk to break their silence.
« Over ? », replied inquisitively his friend.
« No more sutra hunting, your mother back to life, your father resurrected… »
« Or not. », cut Kougaiji without noticing how much this unexpected interruption seemed to freeze Doku during a split second while he was thinking again of his nightmare. Yes, he had let that aside, too. The prince couldn't know his liege guessed he wasn't so thrilled by his father's resurrection's plan. His dream-telling had been very short, indeed. You defeated the sanzo-ikkou, you woke up your mom and she killed you. He had stopped at this point of the « story ». What he had done after was far too personal and intimate.
« Or not. » Echoed eventually Doku. « What would I do ? »
« You'll be free to go and do whatever you want, I think. », replied Kou, averting his eyes.
« Even if I would be glad to keep you by my side as long as I… can.»
He had almost said « as long as I live », but the meaning behind these words could have been too much for his liege. He knew he had just to ask and Doku would stay. But he didn't want him to stay by duty. No way. He looked at a candle's light to hide his uneasiness on the subject. He didn't catch Doku's reaction, the swordsman looking suddenly strangely relieved.
« And what happen if you die ? »
But Doku hadn't really noticed he had thought out loud, still under his dream's spell…
« I hope you'd take care of Ririn, Yaone, and my mother if I can free her… I trust you.»
And the youkai prince had answered as if this kind of question was natural. As if he had already thought of it a long time before.
***
Remorse…
I had left… I had just left… I failed him in this dream, not protecting the ones he wanted me to. Leaving the ones I care about, too. Ririn. Yaone. Maybe only in a dream, but it was so real I know I wouldn't have it in any other way if it had been reality…
« You take the bed. »
« What ? »
« I say you can stay here. »
« You're not sleeping ? »
« No, I'm waiting. »
I don't know why, but I didn't like the answer. I spent part of the late night looking at him looking at the fire, sitting as he was in a comfortable armchair… Then the light of the blazes became blurry.
Maybe I had a little sleep actually…
***
Dawn's prayer…
We heard three little knocks. I opened my eyes at once. It's almost dawn. The daylight will soon light the room through the deep red curtains…
« Kougaiji-sama ! », calls the female voice through the thick panel of the wooden door.
It's Yaone's voice, of course…
« They are coming ! They are at less than a day of travel away from Hôtô ! The sanzo-ikkou ! Kougaiji-sama ! »
« So they made it till here, eventually… », whispered Kougaiji.
Then, by standing from his large chair, he looked at me and said :
« Wait for me. I'll come back soon. » And he left, without looking back again.
I am alone in his bedroom, now. This place feels so cold without him in it. I close my eyes. And I pray. Whatever god being here to listen.
Please, let it be a dream, just a dream again…
***Fin***
Notes :
* Poème : Paul Eluard , « Pour vivre ici ».
NB : Kodomo = child / son
(1) That's for sure, this part, and some other things aren't canon. Here, I do suppose Kougaiji's task was to find the sutra since the biginning (altough, his first task was simply killing the sanzo-ikkou, before the castle-in-the-sand « incident ») . His feelings about his father aren't quite clear either, so I remained free to write them a little diffirent, maybe… Well, for short, it's OOC and I'm sorry about that…
(2) About these kind of quotes : most of the time, they're taken from translations or episodes' synopsis on the net…
(3) Yhea, it's been a while I haven't been reading Moorcock, but Stormbringer got me traumatized, I guess…
(4) I know : too much Evanescence while in the shower and to much lazyness to pick another CD for the player… Anyway, I like the way these words ring ^^
Reviewers' corner : Concerning « Following the green light… »
- Sanada : Nice to see you again ! *big broad smile* I'll try not to disappoint you in the future, you're a big support, more than you can ever think ! (I hope you'll like it, you said you were a fan, didn't you ? : I'm going to post a Gaiden piece this summer… I just have to make the French translation for my compatriots, now…)
- gaiden_girl : I wish you could read French, too, it would be a lot easier for me, yunno ? ^^ Sorry, you have to bear with me and my awful writing, but really glad you read in spite of all : thanks a lot. The « mature mind » comment surprised me (I'm 23, maybe a little older than you then, I don't know, but I really do not think my writing or even me as being really mature ^^ ) : above all because « green light » was a story with no real plot, so… I got a little confused… As for your expectations about Hakkai's motives, you're quite right, but a longer speech wouldn't have fit the frame of the story : in spite of the form (dialog) I wanted to give the feeling it was more « emotion showing » than talking, and « structured » motives would have failed my aim (God, sorry, can't find my words right now… feel free to send a mail…) and more, I remained simply very close to the anime Gojyo does say he is not going to die, just before Sanzo shooting, and I'm quite sure it was strongly directed towards the freaked out Hakkai…^^
- Guardian of Jupiter : About the plot-thing and the « matured storyline », you can have a look above… Sorry, if it made me smile, really… I do apologize, too, since you were not really pleased with the end (May I ask wether it was about Hakkai's reasons, or the fact I didn't fall into lemon because the bishounens needed sleep ? ^^)… Thanks for the comment about Gojyo : for once he decided to cooperate, and it's not always the case… Sooo, here is another work, I hope you'll like it…
All of you take care !