"Merry? Are you still awake Merry? Merry? Are you? Are you asleep? Merry?"
"No Pippin, I am not asleep because there is a large insect under the covers of my bed which won't keep still and is pulling the covers off me and occasionally kicking me."
"At least it's only occasionally, not like this morning at breakfast when I was swinging my legs and I kept kicking Bilbo only I didn't know it was Bilbo, I thought it was the table because Bilbo didn't say anything, well, not until he did say something, the he said-"
"Yes Pippin, I was there."
"So you were. Were you there when I dropped my porridge on the floor?"
"Yes. Pippin, why are you sleeping in my bed, what's wrong with your bed?"
"It's big and cold and you're not in it. Were you there when Frodo spilt half the porridge across the table? Because he did you know, it went everywhere and started dripping over the edge and that Sam person, Sam Gamidge, Gamidgy, Gam-gee, he cleaned it all up and I helped too I did."
"Did you now? I don't think I was there for that part."
"Oh yes, I got a cloth, well, Sam gave me a cloth and a bucket of water and I started mopping it up off the floor because I'm closer to the floor in the first place you see and Bilbo said that I should be of some use while I'm here, which I think is quite unfair because I've already found a pocket watch, two handkerchiefs and a spoon. Where was I?"
"Mopping up porridge."
"O yes, I mopped up all the porridge and it took me almost a whole three minutes! I think I took so long that everyone forgot about me because they didn't see me trying to lift the bucket back on to the table because I can't drag it all the way outside so I was trying to put it on the table so Sam could take it outside but that meant I had to lift it above my head,"
"You didn't did you?"
"I did, and I nearly managed but then I didn't manage and the floor got very wet and Sam had to get the big mop out and mop it all up but I wasn't allowed to help but all the porridge was gone so I had done my job in a way."
"In a very round-about way I should say."
"Were you getting changed all that time Merry? You take a very long time getting changed, is it because you wash your face and brush your hair and everything? Because I don't always do that because it takes too long and is really boring but Frodo said that if I don't brush my hair I could get caught in bushes and things is that true Merry?"
"Yes. Aren't you tired yet Pippin?"
"Not very, not tired enough to go to sleep yet anyway."
"Will that take long?"
"I don't know because I didn't do very much today because Bilbo went out to talk about money and things like that and I didn't want to go, why did you go Merry? It sounds really boring and grown-up and stuff."
"It was but Bilbo can make most things interesting can't he?"
"I suppose, especially those stories of his, do you think they're true Merry? Because I'm not sure, they could be true but I've never seen a dragon and he's the only person I know who has, or says he has and I don't know if he really has, but I don't mind if he hasn't because it makes a really good story. It's a bit scary isn't it? Did you find it scary Merry? I did, especially the trolls and things, that's what Bilbo was telling me about tonight when you were getting changed because you were taking an awfully long time to get changed and Bilbo thought he might sneak in a bit more story before I got to bed because I wasn't hardly tired at all."
"I can see that."
"Have you ever stayed at Bag End on your own with Frodo? It's very fun, he's not as nearly as neat as Bilbo is and Sam will do any clearing up and he can do it really quickly because he's really clever, not clever like Bilbo and Frodo are because he doesn't know any other languages but he knows all sorts of useful things. Did you know honey is good for sore throats? I didn't but I do now."
"Did Sam tell you that?"
"Yes, he also told me that ladybirds eat greenflies and that greenflies aren't very good for the plants because they're like mosquitoes and suck the plant's blood but I don't think plants have blood because they're green."
"Did you do some gardening today?"
"A little, I was pushing the wheelbarrow around but it kept falling over and then it fell over and hit me over the head and now I have a huge bump, have I shown you?"
"No."
"Well it's there but don't push it too hard because it hurts. Frodo said I was brave because I didn't cry hardly at all."
"That is quite large isn't it?"
"Yes, the handles of a barrow are very hard and so's my head. After that I was given a glass of milk and a biscuit and I watched Sam for a bit more but then I got bored again and I wanted to help again. He said I could dig holes to put plats in and so I did that for a while, quite a long while actually, I got halfway round the garden but then the sun got really hot and I was really hungry and I hadn't seen Frodo for ages so I decided to go back in. I don't think Sam minded too much because I'd left him behind."
"So you went to find Frodo?"
"Yes and I did find him but he was in his study and he said he'd be out in a minute but I didn't want to wait a minute because I really was very hungry because it was half past eleven and I'd managed to miss second breakfast after all the commotion at first breakfast because I was quite wet and dirty after that and had to have a big wash, I still think you took longer than me in the bathroom though because you're ridiculous."
"Thank you Pippin"
"So anyway I wanted something to eat and did you know that Mummy's been showing me how to cook stuff? She doesn't let me actually cook because it's hot and I've burnt myself already and I don't like it but I can make the dough it's really easy."
"You didn't try cooking anything did you?"
"I did and was going really well until I had to break open the eggs because one of them fell on the floor and another one didn't get in the bowl but I did everything else fine. But then I had to actually cook it and I thought that because the sun was so hot perhaps that would cook them better. I couldn't find any pastry cutters either so I just ripped the dough up, it wasn't very pretty but it tasted nice and Daddy says that's what matters."
"How long did you leave them outside for?"
"Not very long because Sam saw me and he came inside and he found the eggs and a bit of flour and stuff and he had to clean it up and then Frodo came in and he told me off for giving Sam more work and I told him that if he'd come out of his study I wouldn't have been starving and then he said I should have had an apple and so I did then.
"Frodo said we should go for a walk then to leave Sam alone to clean it all up properly and to buy some more flour and eggs and butter because I think I'd used too much. We saw a hare in one of the fields we did, it was really fast and I couldn't keep up with it but Frodo almost could, he's really good at running fast and jumping. We saw a dead rabbit as well, Frodo said I shouldn't touch it because it's dead and I don't want to be poked around when I'm dead so I left it."
"Glad to hear it."
"When we got to the market we went around looking for the right stalls and we bought two bags of flour and a dozen eggs and another pat of butter."
"Two bags of flour?"
"I think more went on the floor than in the bowl, at least that's how Sam put it. Anyway, I complained that I was really hungry because I'd missed elevenses as well by now and Mrs. Bracegirdle heard me and she gave us some pasties because she's really nice and she said we didn't have to pay for them and then we went and bought some strawberries and we got a few more free because apparently I look really sweet and Frodo said he's going to take me shopping again soon."
"I'm sure he is, the sneaky hobbit."
"When we got back Sam had cleaned up the whole place so it was sparkling and he's cooked my biscuits and we ate some of them too and we all had some apple juice and then we got out some crumpets and had them with some of the butter we bought, to use some of it up so Bilbo wouldn't notice the change, and then we had some scones with jam and clotted cream because, well, just because."
"You three are terrible."
"You're starting to sound like Pearl. Now shh before you turn into a lass. When we finished eating we all had some tea because we were all very thirsty because it was a hot day today and then Frodo had some wine and he offered some to Sam and he had some too and then he gave some to me and we all had some wine and it was really strange, not like anything else at all. Daddy usually gives me ale or even whisky but that's really different because it's made out of a different thing."
"Are you going to go to sleep at all tonight?"
"When I've told you about my day!"
"Can't you tell me in the morning?"
"No because you'll probably spend most of it changing in the bathroom. Now, after we had a drink we played a game of cards, it wasn't very good because there were only three of us so we went for another walk but all three of us this time and Sam and Frodo swung me between them and I liked that because it's fun and Sam's really strong and can swing me really high. Sam said we had to get back quite quickly though, because if his Daddy found him out of the house he said he wouldn't be very pleased. I didn't think that was very fair because he's been working all morning but Mummy says that I shouldn't tell everyone what I think all the time because it can offend people so I didn't say anything."
"That was very good of you Pippin. Now can I go to sleep?"
Not yet because we haven't finished the walk yet. On the way back we met some people Frodo knew except that he didn't look like he wanted to talk to them very much because they were very old and boring-looking and so we spent the rest of the way back hiding from anyone else on the roads in the bushes and ditches and stuff."
"Is that why you had twigs in your hair then?"
"Yes and when we got back you were there too, with Bilbo and we had the most wonderfullest dinner, did you like it? I did."
"Yes, I did like it."
"Good, me too."
"Are you at all tired yet?"
"A little. I had a bowl of fruit and milk while you were getting changed did you know?"
"No I didn't, why didn't I get one?"
"Because when you got out I'd eaten yours too."
"I go to all this trouble to share my bed with you so I can be disturbed in the most unearthly hours of the night and you go and eat my food?"
"Sorry Merry."
"Not to worry, I'd had third helpings at dinner, I was quite full, I am still. How many helpings did you have Pippin?"
"..."
"Pippin?"
"..."
"Good night Pippin."
"No Pippin, I am not asleep because there is a large insect under the covers of my bed which won't keep still and is pulling the covers off me and occasionally kicking me."
"At least it's only occasionally, not like this morning at breakfast when I was swinging my legs and I kept kicking Bilbo only I didn't know it was Bilbo, I thought it was the table because Bilbo didn't say anything, well, not until he did say something, the he said-"
"Yes Pippin, I was there."
"So you were. Were you there when I dropped my porridge on the floor?"
"Yes. Pippin, why are you sleeping in my bed, what's wrong with your bed?"
"It's big and cold and you're not in it. Were you there when Frodo spilt half the porridge across the table? Because he did you know, it went everywhere and started dripping over the edge and that Sam person, Sam Gamidge, Gamidgy, Gam-gee, he cleaned it all up and I helped too I did."
"Did you now? I don't think I was there for that part."
"Oh yes, I got a cloth, well, Sam gave me a cloth and a bucket of water and I started mopping it up off the floor because I'm closer to the floor in the first place you see and Bilbo said that I should be of some use while I'm here, which I think is quite unfair because I've already found a pocket watch, two handkerchiefs and a spoon. Where was I?"
"Mopping up porridge."
"O yes, I mopped up all the porridge and it took me almost a whole three minutes! I think I took so long that everyone forgot about me because they didn't see me trying to lift the bucket back on to the table because I can't drag it all the way outside so I was trying to put it on the table so Sam could take it outside but that meant I had to lift it above my head,"
"You didn't did you?"
"I did, and I nearly managed but then I didn't manage and the floor got very wet and Sam had to get the big mop out and mop it all up but I wasn't allowed to help but all the porridge was gone so I had done my job in a way."
"In a very round-about way I should say."
"Were you getting changed all that time Merry? You take a very long time getting changed, is it because you wash your face and brush your hair and everything? Because I don't always do that because it takes too long and is really boring but Frodo said that if I don't brush my hair I could get caught in bushes and things is that true Merry?"
"Yes. Aren't you tired yet Pippin?"
"Not very, not tired enough to go to sleep yet anyway."
"Will that take long?"
"I don't know because I didn't do very much today because Bilbo went out to talk about money and things like that and I didn't want to go, why did you go Merry? It sounds really boring and grown-up and stuff."
"It was but Bilbo can make most things interesting can't he?"
"I suppose, especially those stories of his, do you think they're true Merry? Because I'm not sure, they could be true but I've never seen a dragon and he's the only person I know who has, or says he has and I don't know if he really has, but I don't mind if he hasn't because it makes a really good story. It's a bit scary isn't it? Did you find it scary Merry? I did, especially the trolls and things, that's what Bilbo was telling me about tonight when you were getting changed because you were taking an awfully long time to get changed and Bilbo thought he might sneak in a bit more story before I got to bed because I wasn't hardly tired at all."
"I can see that."
"Have you ever stayed at Bag End on your own with Frodo? It's very fun, he's not as nearly as neat as Bilbo is and Sam will do any clearing up and he can do it really quickly because he's really clever, not clever like Bilbo and Frodo are because he doesn't know any other languages but he knows all sorts of useful things. Did you know honey is good for sore throats? I didn't but I do now."
"Did Sam tell you that?"
"Yes, he also told me that ladybirds eat greenflies and that greenflies aren't very good for the plants because they're like mosquitoes and suck the plant's blood but I don't think plants have blood because they're green."
"Did you do some gardening today?"
"A little, I was pushing the wheelbarrow around but it kept falling over and then it fell over and hit me over the head and now I have a huge bump, have I shown you?"
"No."
"Well it's there but don't push it too hard because it hurts. Frodo said I was brave because I didn't cry hardly at all."
"That is quite large isn't it?"
"Yes, the handles of a barrow are very hard and so's my head. After that I was given a glass of milk and a biscuit and I watched Sam for a bit more but then I got bored again and I wanted to help again. He said I could dig holes to put plats in and so I did that for a while, quite a long while actually, I got halfway round the garden but then the sun got really hot and I was really hungry and I hadn't seen Frodo for ages so I decided to go back in. I don't think Sam minded too much because I'd left him behind."
"So you went to find Frodo?"
"Yes and I did find him but he was in his study and he said he'd be out in a minute but I didn't want to wait a minute because I really was very hungry because it was half past eleven and I'd managed to miss second breakfast after all the commotion at first breakfast because I was quite wet and dirty after that and had to have a big wash, I still think you took longer than me in the bathroom though because you're ridiculous."
"Thank you Pippin"
"So anyway I wanted something to eat and did you know that Mummy's been showing me how to cook stuff? She doesn't let me actually cook because it's hot and I've burnt myself already and I don't like it but I can make the dough it's really easy."
"You didn't try cooking anything did you?"
"I did and was going really well until I had to break open the eggs because one of them fell on the floor and another one didn't get in the bowl but I did everything else fine. But then I had to actually cook it and I thought that because the sun was so hot perhaps that would cook them better. I couldn't find any pastry cutters either so I just ripped the dough up, it wasn't very pretty but it tasted nice and Daddy says that's what matters."
"How long did you leave them outside for?"
"Not very long because Sam saw me and he came inside and he found the eggs and a bit of flour and stuff and he had to clean it up and then Frodo came in and he told me off for giving Sam more work and I told him that if he'd come out of his study I wouldn't have been starving and then he said I should have had an apple and so I did then.
"Frodo said we should go for a walk then to leave Sam alone to clean it all up properly and to buy some more flour and eggs and butter because I think I'd used too much. We saw a hare in one of the fields we did, it was really fast and I couldn't keep up with it but Frodo almost could, he's really good at running fast and jumping. We saw a dead rabbit as well, Frodo said I shouldn't touch it because it's dead and I don't want to be poked around when I'm dead so I left it."
"Glad to hear it."
"When we got to the market we went around looking for the right stalls and we bought two bags of flour and a dozen eggs and another pat of butter."
"Two bags of flour?"
"I think more went on the floor than in the bowl, at least that's how Sam put it. Anyway, I complained that I was really hungry because I'd missed elevenses as well by now and Mrs. Bracegirdle heard me and she gave us some pasties because she's really nice and she said we didn't have to pay for them and then we went and bought some strawberries and we got a few more free because apparently I look really sweet and Frodo said he's going to take me shopping again soon."
"I'm sure he is, the sneaky hobbit."
"When we got back Sam had cleaned up the whole place so it was sparkling and he's cooked my biscuits and we ate some of them too and we all had some apple juice and then we got out some crumpets and had them with some of the butter we bought, to use some of it up so Bilbo wouldn't notice the change, and then we had some scones with jam and clotted cream because, well, just because."
"You three are terrible."
"You're starting to sound like Pearl. Now shh before you turn into a lass. When we finished eating we all had some tea because we were all very thirsty because it was a hot day today and then Frodo had some wine and he offered some to Sam and he had some too and then he gave some to me and we all had some wine and it was really strange, not like anything else at all. Daddy usually gives me ale or even whisky but that's really different because it's made out of a different thing."
"Are you going to go to sleep at all tonight?"
"When I've told you about my day!"
"Can't you tell me in the morning?"
"No because you'll probably spend most of it changing in the bathroom. Now, after we had a drink we played a game of cards, it wasn't very good because there were only three of us so we went for another walk but all three of us this time and Sam and Frodo swung me between them and I liked that because it's fun and Sam's really strong and can swing me really high. Sam said we had to get back quite quickly though, because if his Daddy found him out of the house he said he wouldn't be very pleased. I didn't think that was very fair because he's been working all morning but Mummy says that I shouldn't tell everyone what I think all the time because it can offend people so I didn't say anything."
"That was very good of you Pippin. Now can I go to sleep?"
Not yet because we haven't finished the walk yet. On the way back we met some people Frodo knew except that he didn't look like he wanted to talk to them very much because they were very old and boring-looking and so we spent the rest of the way back hiding from anyone else on the roads in the bushes and ditches and stuff."
"Is that why you had twigs in your hair then?"
"Yes and when we got back you were there too, with Bilbo and we had the most wonderfullest dinner, did you like it? I did."
"Yes, I did like it."
"Good, me too."
"Are you at all tired yet?"
"A little. I had a bowl of fruit and milk while you were getting changed did you know?"
"No I didn't, why didn't I get one?"
"Because when you got out I'd eaten yours too."
"I go to all this trouble to share my bed with you so I can be disturbed in the most unearthly hours of the night and you go and eat my food?"
"Sorry Merry."
"Not to worry, I'd had third helpings at dinner, I was quite full, I am still. How many helpings did you have Pippin?"
"..."
"Pippin?"
"..."
"Good night Pippin."