Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.
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Episodes: The Mission, Exculpatory Evidence, First Casualty
- JAG Headquarters, Falls Church, Virginia
The light moved forward under the cover of the copy machine and Loren watched gloomily. Removing one sheet and inserting another she hit the button again. The sound of the machine seemed very loud in the empty office. Loren couldn't help remembering another night and the conversation she had had with Admiral Chegwidden.
You should get a life. What a cruel joke. Working late was the only thing that prevented her from seeing Lindsey even more often. There she had had a lot of success lately. The beginning had been rather slow but now he was inviting her to dinner more and more often. No doubt he was delighted in her admiration for his position or abilities. Even more delighted in having someone equally interested in gossiping about the JAG staff. The same enemies indeed. And more than that. He was really eager digging up dirt - preferably including proof in print.
The first time he had started in this direction she had felt a cold shiver down her spine and had immediately double-checked with Webb. She still heard the long, hard silence on the line. She still heard the hesitation in his voice as he had ordered her to comply. Well, at least Webb would always be able to tell the SecNav how Lindsey had gotten hand on his evidence even if he turned out not to be the leak.
Loren braced herself against the photocopier and closed her eyes. She had really considered throwing everything back in Webb's face. She had really considered telling him to go and find somebody else for his dirty work and to hell with the consequences. But she hadn't done it. She didn't know why.
Looking up to the ceiling Loren shook her head at herself. Maybe she did. Maybe she had already put too much of her life into this to back out now. Maybe she had already sacrificed too much of her soul. And maybe that was the reason why she was - sometimes - somewhere deep down - almost afraid of herself. Of what she could be willing to do.
It looked like Rabb's brother hadn't been that wrong in his judgment. Maybe she'd have really made a good KGB agent. That reminded her to have a very serious word with Sergei Zhukov about the meaning of keep it a secret. Wow, had Rabb been mad because she had snooped around in his apartment. She still wondered how she had managed to squirm out of his office in one piece. But his rage had been somewhat understandable. She wouldn't like a person like Singer checking out her private things.
Loren pushed herself upright again and slowly extracted her sheets of paper. Again her mind wandered back to the conversation she had had with Chegwidden in front of this very photocopier.
Chegwidden. The Admiral would be surprised to learn that somehow he had been the reason why things had gone so badly out of hand. Or not. Maybe he already knew or at least sensed it. He wasn't stupid and she had come to respect his ability to judge the skills of his officers ... what was part of the problem.
When she had walked into his office for one more of her Singer-shows she had fully expected him to criticize her for her - or better Singer's - character. She had expected him to criticize her overambitious behavior, her aggressiveness, her interaction with co-workers, even her style of working. She had never thought he could criticize her skills as a lawyer.
She wasn't a Rabb or a Mackenzie; she would never claim to be. But - a bad lawyer? True, she always put up a show, made comments suitable for her cover identity but behind all that it was still she who did the work, who planned the best strategy. She had comforted herself that she had at least always managed to do the best for her clients, even in Singer-style. If she had been free of the restrictions of her role she would have done a lot of things different... But what if she was fooling herself? What if her skills were what Chegwidden was obviously thinking? Not good enough?
Loren paused on the way back to her desk and stared blindly at the sheets of paper in her hands. She had been shocked when she had walked out of his office. She had been angry. Maybe, if she hadn't been so angry, she wouldn't have gone after Roberts' client the way she had. If her pride hadn't been so wounded, she wouldn't have been so determined to beat him in court. But, nevertheless, she had played fair. Hard, yes. Too hard, maybe. But fair. She had provided Roberts with any necessary evidence in an appropriate way. And no one - not Rabb, not Mackenzie, not anyone else - could deny her to admit that.
Well, except for Harriet Sims. It looked like the battle lines were finally drawn. Other than her husband, who was simply too good - or too naïve - for this world, she would never forgive Singer for what had happened. No matter how much Roberts had screwed up this time - and he had screwed up sleeping in the courtroom of all things - it would be always and forever Singer's aggressive jealousy that had caused his trouble. And ironically that wouldn't be that far from the truth. Only that it hadn't been jealousy - heaven's, an overseas assignment was the last thing she needed - but hurt and anger.
Loren snorted. It was a bitter sound. Oh, heck, who was she kidding? No one would ever forgive her. She wouldn't allow them to forgive her. She couldn't afford it. The whole affair around Roberts' promotion was way too good an opening to get deeper involved with Lindsey than to throw it away. She was going to use it. She was going to use it to the point of excess. But then she had to play it tough in the office. At any cost.
Funny. She had thought she had already reached the point where she didn't care anymore what these people were thinking of her. And most of the time she managed to convince herself that it was true ... except for evenings like this. When she had to admit that it still hurt. Damn it, yes, it hurt.
- Parking lot of JAG Headquarters
"Loren!"
Loren cursed softly under her breath and walked faster. She knew that voice.
"Loren! Wait!" Stuart Dunston ran up to her side and touched her arm. "Wait."
"What do you want?" She looked very pointedly at his hand until he pulled it back.
"You didn't return my calls."
"Guess why," she mumbled, looking away.
Dunston's eyes pleaded. "Loren, you know these charges are ridiculous. What the heck are Rabb and Mackenzie up to?"
"What does it look like?"
"That's what I'm asking you."
"I can't help you." She started turning away.
"Loren..." Dunston caught her again after a few steps. "Look. My lawyer has said we need counsel in military law and-"
She rounded on him. "You think I stick my neck out for you? Think again!" At the expression on his face she almost yielded but caught herself in time. She glanced around. "Listen, Stuart. I want nothing to do with this. Understood? Chegwidden is covering their back. I can't risk it." - 'Especially not the publicity,' she added silently.
The reporter did nothing to hold her back as she walked away this time. But his hurt eyes were like needles in her back. Sighing she paused. She shouldn't do that. She really shouldn't. She looked over her shoulder.
"Ask for Commander Sturgis Turner. He's kind of neutral."
"Loren..."
"Don't talk to me again. Never ever."
She fled into the building and into the safety of an empty elevator. There she leaned against the wall and shook her head. Oh, darn it. Darn it. That way she had never meant to end this acquaintanceship. But Lindsey would never understand why she should do Dunston a favor under the current circumstances. Singer wouldn't understand it.
Loren sighed. Sometimes it was more difficult than other times. She was in a really unique position: She was a civilian working as a naval officer. She had experienced both worlds first-hand - the good sides, the bad ones and many, many shades of grey. Being a lawyer tended to destroy your illusions very quickly. And she couldn't get rid of the feeling that Rabb and Mackenzie were overreacting in this case.
For them the world was - especially at the moment - divided into those serving their country in the armed forces ... and those who didn't. But it wasn't that easy. To pin the failure on the only civilian just per definition left a bad taste in her mouth. She didn't know if it had been Stuart's fault the operation had gone wrong. Oh, yes, he could be annoying and nosy and sometimes careless ... but anybody made mistakes. Somebody working for JAG should know that best.