i was busy with the stars, you were looking at me

by Mintflight0245

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." -Kahlil Gibran. Also known as: Riverdream falls hard for a cat he can't have. (fallenclan november competition entry)

omg i'm alive

jk i'm not; but i am back with a massive comp fic that no one asked for :)) anyways hey here's my november comp fic! it's totally rushed and i'm convinced this is some of my most garbage writing but it's fine we move

btw title is from "October passed me by" by girl in red

for themes, i was given:

-song: august, taylor swift

-quote: "and pretty people yell at me to follow the dance"

-color: pink

-emotion: disgust

-quote: "you know... I don't think I'm gonna die without experiencing joy... one last time."

enjoy! make sure to sit down for this one, it's a long one (final word count: 35,460)

tw; death, blood, gore, sexual implications, (definitely a T at least! this is your last warning)

The moon was high in the sky by the time they reached the Gatheringplace.

Riverdream knew that Sunclan should've been there long before then, but Swanstar had been caught up with a patrol until sundown and had then decided to meticulously groom her fur for the Gathering. Something about seeing Brackenstar set her strangely on edge, and he hadn't been able to figure out why.

"Is there anything specific you're planning to mention to Moonclan?" He asked his leader, blue eyes bright with curiosity. Usually, Swanstar was very thorough in her speech (usually going over it at least one time) but she had been unusually… disorganized.

"No, I don't think so, other than the death of Whiteblaze." The white leader replied, narrow gaze focused on the two tall rocks in front of her. It was almost perfect, really; two Clans, two rocks. Everything was better in pairs.

"Oh." Riverdream paused, the corners of his mouth turning down in a frown at the mention of the former deputy. "Not even the fox that we chased into their territory?"

Swanstar shook her head. "I'm sure Brackenstar already knows and has dealt with it accordingly." As she spoke the other leader's name, her mouth morphed into a sulky, disgusted pout. Riverdream tried not to snort with laughter.

"Yes, I'm sure." He said mildly. "I suppose I'll go and talk to Tawnycreek, then." Not that talking to the deputy was ever… interesting. Riverdream just knew that being respectful was a good thing, and he didn't want to insult the wise, old deputy of Moonclan. He just didn't want to hear her talk about border patrol tactics for the entire Gathering while he was trying to listen to Brackenstar.

He made his way through the moonlit clearing, looking around at the groups of young warriors and apprentices that had already formed. He remembered his own Gathering group, though it had long since dispersed as they had all become warriors and realized that they didn't actually like each other all that much. If he thought about it too long, it made him sad.

However, the cat at the base of the rocks was not Tawnycreek. In fact, Riverdream wasn't sure if he had ever seen him before. His fur was a shade of slate-gray, almost like the smooth river stones that Riverdream used to fish out with his former apprentice Goldpaw (now Goldstreak) when they couldn't get any fish. He was much fluffier than Riverdream, and looked like an actual warrior, with broad shoulders and lean muscle under his gray tabby fur.

Riverdream immediately felt like an idiot.

He didn't say that, of course. Instead, he sat there and spluttered for a good ten seconds, before blurting out; "You're not Tawnycreek."

The newcomer glanced up, fixing Riverdream with a piercing green gaze. "You're not Whiteblaze."

"He died." Riverdream blurted out, an embarrassed flush rising to his face after he spoke. "Greencough. I'm the new deputy." In case you somehow hadn't realized.

"I'm afraid Tawnycreek suffered the same fate." The other cat didn't even look at him, leaning down to smooth down a clump of his shoulder fur instead. Riverdream felt a hot flash of indignation. He doesn't think I'm worth his time, does he? "We didn't have enough catmint to give her."

"Such a shame." Riverdream tried to project some sympathy into his voice, to no avail. "Did you not have any from that stash that you've been hoarding for seasons?"

The jab came out almost instinctively, and he saw the other cat's eyes narrow, though from confusion or anger he wasn't sure. Something about him just made Riverdream on edge. Oh no, am I like Swanstar now?

"Well, if we did, do you think Tawnycreek would've died?" The gray cat questioned, raising his thick eyebrows. His voice was laced with sarcasm, and Riverdream's gaze narrowed slightly. "Or maybe you're right. Maybe we're just hoarding it."

"Wouldn't be surprised." Riverdream quipped back, before noticing Brackenstar and Swanstar on the rock. He gave the gray cat one last narrow gaze before sitting in his own spot. Stupid Moonclan cats. It's like he's trying to challenge me.

Deep down, he knew that wasn't true.

Swanstar called out the start of the Gathering, causing the din of talking cats to slowly quiet until only a few whispers were heard. Riverdream shifted uneasily, resisting the urge to look back over to where he was sure the other cat was watching.

"Leafbare has been a harsh time for us all." Brackenstar began, tone serious and even. Riverdream immediately began to zone out, deciding that staring at interesting rocks in the dirt was more interesting than whatever spiel Moonclan's leader had prepared. Honeystrike usually filled him in on what actually was said after the Gathering anyways.

He couldn't keep his mind from straying back to Moonclan's new deputy. Riverdream risked a glance over, and realized that the gray cat was staring back at him, green gaze strangely hard to read. He swallowed nervously, but didn't drop his gaze. Eye contact is a sign of dominance or whatever, right? Just… don't look down.

Riverdream had never been the strongest at eye contact, however. After a moment, he dropped his gaze, feeling hot with embarrassment. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but for a moment, he saw a brief smirk slip over the other cat's face.

"Unfortunately, Sunclan has suffered during this leafbare as well." Swanstar's voice brought him back to the reality of the Gathering, and Riverdream tried his best to shake off his shame, turning his attention to his leader instead. "We lost our deputy Whiteblaze to a greencough outbreak. He's been replaced by Riverdream."

Suddenly, all eyes of the Gathering were on him, and Riverdream gave his best smile, raising his chin and attempting to seem confident. With his luck, he probably just looked awkward and the slightest bit confused. He saw Honeystrike snicker from where she was sitting by her friends near a tall pine tree.

Luckily, Swanstar moved on to talking about the new apprentices, and Riverdream was no longer in the spotlight. He let out a short, relieved sigh, thankful that his brief introduction was over.

After the leaders finished their speeches, everyone was allowed a bit more time to socialize before the two Clans departed. Brackenstar immediately went over to discuss something important with Swanstar, who seemed vaguely annoyed by the other leader. Riverdream carefully bit back a grin, and went to find Honeystrike.

As he left, however, he could feel a pair of eyes burning into his back. If he had to take a guess, Riverdream would say that those eyes were green, and belonged to a certain Moonclan deputy.

—-

"What do you mean, he's out to get you?" Honeystrike wrinkled her nose with confusion, causing Riverdream to let out a long, exasperated sigh.

"You wouldn't get it." He mumbled. "It's just… a gut feeling. And my gut feelings are never wrong, and so I think that because we're the same age, and we were made deputy at the same time, he's out to get me. He realizes that I could take him down, or something."

"How exactly would you take him down?" His friend raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Also, how do you know you're the same age? Do you even know his name, River?"

"Uhm…" Riverdream trailed off as he realized that he had no idea who this mystery deputy was. It wasn't any of his Moonclan friends, and he didn't even remember seeing him at any other Gatherings. Until he had taken the spot at the base of Moonclan's rock, he had been utterly insignificant.

"No. Do you, by chance?" He shot Honeystrike a sheepish smile.

"Pikesplash." Honeystrike sighed heavily. "His name is Pikesplash, and before you ask, no, I don't know anything else about him."

Riverdream let out an agonized groan, slumping against the golden she-cat. "Come on, are you serious? I rely on you for this type of stuff! You knew I would be asking about him, didn't you?"

"Yup." Honeystrike answered, amber gaze focused on the dirt path in front of her.

"So why didn't you do your research?" He continued. "It's not like I have time anymore. Now I have to sit at the base of the rock and smile and listen for once. It's positively awful."

"Well, if you had actually been listening, you would've heard Brackenstar say his name." His friend pointed out. "And I did ask. I asked everywhere. No one knows him."

"What do you mean?" Riverdream furrowed his eyebrows, genuinely puzzled. "How would someone they don't even know get the deputy position? That doesn't make any sense."

"That's not what I meant." Honeystrike rolled her eyes. "I meant that he doesn't seem to have many friends. Like, no one knows him well. Sure, they're all like 'yeah, I know Pikesplash!' but none of them know him, y'know?"

"Uh…" Riverdream glanced at her dubiously. "Sure."

"Which is why I think you should be his friend." Honeystrike grinned at him triumphantly. "Because if you really think he's competition, this is the perfect way to win."

"No." Riverdream's response was almost immediate. He didn't even have to think about it. No way. I'd do it, and then it would backfire and he would end up betraying me and everything would go so, so wrong.

"I can't just- I just met him today!" He spluttered. "And I wasn't nice to him? There's no logical reason!"

"There is a logical reason." Honeystrike protested. "You're just refusing to see it."

"No-" Riverdream shot a glare at his friend. "No, I'm not. I'm going to become friends with him, and then he's going to ruin my reputation and destroy me as his competition. I can see it already."

"How long was your conversation with him?" The golden she-cat eyed him doubtfully. "I think you need to relax, River. No one's taking your position away."

Riverdream didn't respond, though he knew she was right.

Something about Pikesplash just… bothered him. He couldn't forget those green eyes, staring into his soul.

—-

"I don't get it." Goldstreak huffed, narrow mouth twisted in irritation. "I keep thinking that Crimsonpaw understands, but nope, they actually have no idea what I was saying." Riverdream's former apprentice let out a long sigh. "How am I supposed to train them when they don't even listen?"

Riverdream chuckled. "Y'know, Crimsonpaw sounds like how you were as an apprentice, so don't complain. If I figured out a way to teach you, I'm sure you can do the same with her."

The tortoiseshell cast him a glare. "Shut up. I think that Crimsonpaw is much worse than I ever was."

Riverdream raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that? Again, you weren't the mentor. I…" He trailed off at the sight of the border. "Do you want to mark it or should I?"

"You can." Goldstreak replied dismissively, immediately going to pick at a matted clump of fur on her shoulder. She sniffed the air, nose wrinkling with disgust. "Sheesh. Was Moonclan just here or something?"

"I don't think so." Riverdream said cautiously, though he admitted that his former apprentice had a point. The border stunk of Moonclan, much stronger than it usually did. I didn't think that their dawn patrol came through before ours. Unless things have changed…

"Uh, River?" Goldstreak's voice brought him back to reality. "Might want to get on marking that border. I hear a Moonclan patrol."

"Shit." Riverdream's blue gaze immediately swung to the undergrowth and dense pine trees that lay on the other side of the border, looking for any hint of cats. However, he couldn't see anything. What is she talking about?

Suddenly, a rustling sound came from a clump of bushes, and Riverdream's eyes flickered over to it, narrowing. Moonclan's patrol consisted of at least four cats. (He always found that weird, as Sunclan would often patrol in pairs or trios.)

However, he wasn't expecting Pikesplash to be leading it. The gray cat slipped out of the bushes, taking a moment to shake stray pine needles off of his coat. When he saw Riverdream, he froze.

"What are you doing here?" The question came out of his mouth before he could stop it. He saw Goldstreak shoot him a questioning glance out of the corner of his eye, but didn't acknowledge it.

"I'm marking the border." Pikesplash deadpanned. His gaze flickered to Riverdream, lingering just a moment too long. Riverdream felt himself flush. "Though you seem to have taken care of that."

"We were just going." Goldstreak cut in, practically shoving Riverdream away from the border. "So you can mark it as well and be on your way. If you want."

"Yeah." Riverdream agreed, giving Goldstreak a dirty look. "Even though I don't know why you'd need to mark it again. It stunk of Moonclan before we got here."

Pikesplash's green eyes narrowed slightly. "Guess the last patrol just wanted to make sure you didn't make any… mistakes with marking."

Riverdream opened his mouth, ready to utter some witty response, but he came up empty. For some annoying reason, Pikesplash made him speechless. The other cat always seemed to have a retort ready, while Riverdream was left floundering.

It also irritated him to no end that Pikesplash wasn't exactly… bad looking. Soft, long fur framed Pikesplash's face and luminous green eyes. In the dim lighting slanting through the trees, the sunlight made his gray fur shine silver. Shit. He's gorgeous, isn't he?

"Riverdream." Goldstreak stomped on his foot, yellow eyes narrowed with irritation. "We should be heading out. Swanstar will want you to organize the noon patrols."

"I'd hate it if you missed those noon patrols because of me." Pikesplash quipped, green gaze shining with amusement. Riverdream felt a hot swell of anger.

"He won't." Goldstreak replied before Riverdream could. "Thanks for your concern. Nice meeting you! Bye!"

She began to head back to camp, and Riverdream followed, strangely dazed.

As soon as they were out of earshot of the Moonclan patrol, Goldstreak whipped around to face Riverdream, her voice a low hiss. "What the hell was that? You just stared at his face for a whole minute!"

Riverdream let out a heavy, embarrassed sigh. "I think I need to talk to Honeystrike."

"Honeystrike?" His former apprentice gaped at him. "What the hell does she have to do with this? Now Moonclan's going to think the new Sunclan deputy is an idiot who spaces out all the time! Aren't you the least bit concerned about that?"

"I'm sure they already think that." Riverdream's blue gaze narrowed. "Judging that Pikesplash has most likely taken care of that."

"Pikesplash? Are they that gray cat who you were obsessed with?" Goldstreak questioned, avoiding a sharp rock in the path by hopping nimbly to the side.

"Yup." Riverdream replied, a frown coming onto his face at the mention of the other deputy. "He's Moonclan's new deputy. Didn't you see him at the Gathering last night?"

"I wasn't there." Goldstreak explained. "Swanstar didn't call my name. What, do you two have some stupid rivalry going on? Because you're both new deputies? Also, how did Whiteblaze and Tawnycreek die at the same time? That's weird."

"They both passed from greencough." Riverdream shrugged. "It's hardly a coincidence. They were both old too. But-" He cut off, trying to find the best way to explain his current relationship with Pikesplash. "It's complicated." Honeystrike thinks I should be friends with him, I both hate him and think he's extremely gorgeous. Why is this such a mess?

"Well, it's a long walk back to camp." Goldstreak raised an eyebrow. "So you have more than enough time to explain."

—-

"There's been another greencough outbreak." Swanstar said as soon as Riverdream walked into her den. He blinked, taking a moment to process the information he had been given.

"Who?" He questioned, blue gaze widening with alarm. "Did Weaselfrost treat them yet? Do we have enough catmint?"

"Not here." Swanstar shook her head. "We're okay. There's been an outbreak in Moonclan."

Riverdream froze, confusion flitting over his expression. Was that why Pikesplash was so on edge? Not that the gray cat was ever not on edge, from what Riverdream had seen of him. However, the entire Moonclan patrol had all been… unusually quiet. It was nearly newleaf, greencough should be long gone by now.

"To answer your second question, yes." Swanstar continued. "We have more than enough catmint. We have so much that I think that we should donate some to Moonclan as an act of goodwill."

Riverdream furrowed his eyebrows skeptically. "Are you sure? The last thing I want to do is give too much away and not be prepared if we have another outbreak-"

"Weaselfrost said that the patch near the Great Oak has begun to grow again." Swanstar interrupted. "So I'm hardly worried. Plus-" Her deep blue gaze darkened. "Brackenstar will owe me a favor. That could come in handy eventually."

If Brackenstar owes us a favor, so does the entirety of Moonclan. Riverdream could see the sense in Swanstar's idea. Including Pikesplash. Hah. I'd get to rub this in his stupid, handsome face.

He definitely needed to talk to Honeystrike.

He stood straighter, trying to push any thoughts of certain Moonclan cats from his mind. "Would you like me to get together a patrol?"

"It doesn't need to be that big." Swanstar replied, briefly pausing to think. "You and I, of course, Weaselfrost, and… one other warrior. That should be good enough."

"Alright." Riverdream dipped his head, and exited Swanstar's den, immediately going to find Honeystrike.

His friend was curled up in her nest, obviously in the middle of her afternoon nap. Her nest reeked of lavender, and Riverdream wrinkled his nose, noticing the fresh purple flowers entwined in the moss. Daisypool must've just changed the moss.

It was no secret that Honeystrike's mate was fond of floral scents, but Riverdream sometimes wished that she wouldn't stink up the whole den. The old warriors kept complaining to him about it, and it was beginning to get annoying.

"Honeystrike." He prodded Honeystrike's flank, but the golden she-cat seemed to be fast asleep. Letting out a small sigh, Riverdream poked her harder, before full-on shoving her in the shoulder.

Honeystrike's eyes flitted open, and she regarded Riverdream with a bleary amber gaze. "What… What's happening? Did Moonclan finally invade?"

"No." Riverdream rolled his eyes, stepping back so his friend could get up. "We're going to drop off catmint at Moonclan. They had a greencough outbreak."

"Another one?" The end of Honeystrike's words was cut off by a large yawn. "It's practically newleaf! How bad are their medicine cats?"

"You're asking me as if I know who their medicine cats are." Riverdream pointed out. "If anything, you should be the one who knows that." He gave her a questioning glance. "Who is their medicine cat?"

"Bramblefur." Honeystrike replied almost immediately. The golden she-cat knew everyone. (Except for Pikesplash, for some odd reason). "She's pretty boring. Around the same age as Weaselfrost."

"Have you ever spoken to her?" Riverdream asked, exiting the warrior's den. Honeystrike shook her head before picking a piece of moss off her fur.

"I don't think so." His friend replied. "When we were apprentices, she and Weasel were obviously near their mentors all the time, and my Moonclan friends say that she's super quiet anyways." She paused. "Why do they always make the quiet ones medicine cats?"

"Because quiet cats are usually smart." Riverdream sighed, looking around to see if Swanstar or Weaselfrost were around. "And you have to be smart to remember all those herbs."

"Not always." Honeystrike objected. "You could be dumb but have a good memory. That's what Weaselfrost's mentor was like. I swear, she never understood a single word I said to her, but she had magic paws."

"Please don't go into the specifics of Russetheart's 'magic paws'." Riverdream grimaced.

Honeystrike flushed a dark shade of crimson. "That's not- That's not what I meant at all! You're so perverted-

At that exact moment, Swanstar exited her den, causing Honeystrike to immediately shut her mouth.

"Is Weaselfrost not out yet?" The white leader asked Riverdream. "I told him that we'd be making the trip this morning. I thought he'd be ready."

"I can go get him, if you'd like." Riverdream began to make his way towards the medicine den. He hadn't taken more than two steps before the small medicine cat shot out of the den, struggling to carry a massive bundle of catmint.

"M'sorry for being late." Weaselfrost mumbled, voice obscured by the catmint in his mouth.

"No worries." Swanstar replied formally, dipping her head. "Honeystrike, would you help Weaselfrost with the catmint?"

Riverdream's friend froze briefly, looking startled. "Uh… yes. Of course."

Swanstar began to lead the way out of camp, and Riverdream hurried to keep up with her, not even looking to see if Weaselfrost and Honeystrike were on their way.

The long trip to Moonclan's border passed in silence, judging that Honeystrike and Weaselfrost had catmint to carry, Swanstar was deep in thought as usual, and Riverdream didn't exactly feel like starting a conversation.

"D'you know if Moonclan knows we're coming?" Honeystrike asked at last, nearly spitting out her catmint.

"I don't know." Riverdream admitted. He glanced over at Swanstar. "Did you tell Brackenstar?"

"Not yet." The white leader responded. "I knew that they would try to refuse, and claim that Moonclan had it all control, so I thought we'd just show up. After all, why would they reject us? We come bearing gifts."

So she just wants to spite Brackenstar. Riverdream held back an exasperated sigh. "Right. I'm sure it'll all be fine."

I wonder if Pikesplash will be there. The thought popped into his head almost immediately after, and Riverdream felt the first twinge of nerves. He was sure that the gray cat would find some way to critique Sunclan's trip to his Clan. Because he's a dick.

"I'll do the talking when we get there." Swanstar's voice cut into his thoughts. "Riverdream, you can help distribute the catmint with Honeystrike. Weaselfrost, I trust that you'll have a conversation with Bramblefur about future herb trades?"

The medicine cat gave a nod, even though Swanstar couldn't see it from her position in the front of the patrol.

Moonclan's camp was surrounded by a thick layer of brambles that even Riverdream had difficulty squeezing through. If they hadn't before, Moonclan was definitely aware they were here. Swanstar had left clumps of white fur all over the bushes..

"What's the purpose of that?" Honeystrike complained, picking brambles out of her chest fur. "I don't get it. Do they just lose all of their fur every time they go in and out of camp?"

"I'm sure there's a back entrance, or something." Weaselfrost turned back to reply. "Moonclan cats are generally… larger than us Sunclan cats, so if we're having trouble getting through there, there's no way they can fit."

The medicine cat's voice trailed off as he, and the rest of them realized that they were standing in the middle of Moonclan camp. Riverdream found himself instinctively searching for a gray pelt, and internally chided himself for it. He's probably out on another patrol like a model deputy. Why would he even be here?

Not even a moment later, Pikesplash stepped forwards from the group of Moonclan cats that had been staring at them. Riverdream awkwardly tried to shift behind Honeystrike, who shot him a glare.

"Can I help you?" Pikesplash's voice was formal and even. His green gaze flickered first to Swanstar, then to Riverdream behind her. He glared back, hoping the other cat realized how much he did not want to be here.

"We heard news that you've had a greencough outbreak." Swanstar explained, gesturing for Honeystrike and Weaselfrost to set the bundles of catmint down. "And Sunclan has catmint to spare, so we thought we'd bring some over for your medicine cat."

"I see." Pikesplash's voice was lightly skeptical, and Riverdream saw his eyes linger on the catmint as if it was something else. He probably thinks we came to poison him.

"Let me fetch Brackenstar." The gray deputy said before turning away, disappearing into a den built into the steep gorge that made up Moonclan's camp. Riverdream craned his head around Honeystrike, trying to get a better look at the leader's den. From his current vantage point, he could barely see it.

"Don't get why you hate him so much." Honeystrike hissed in his ear, making sure Weaselfrost couldn't hear them. The brown medicine cat seemed otherwise preoccupied anyways. "He seems pretty polite to me."

"That's because you've never spoken to him one-on-one." Riverdream bit back, glaring at the spot where Pikesplash had disappeared. "He's just being nice because it's Swanstar and you gain respect by being polite to your superiors. I mean, I'd kiss Brackenstar's ass if it would make cats trust me a little more."

"Cats trust you plenty." Honeystrike said dismissively. "And I think you're being overdramatic."

"I'm not!" Riverdream huffed. "Ask Goldstreak if you really don't believe me. She was on patrol with me this morning. She saw it all."

"The only thing Goldstreak was talking about was that you have a crush on Pikesplash." Honeystrike smirked at him. "Which I'm guessing is true, judging from the way you keep talking about him and then blushing like an idiot."

"I-" Riverdream could feel a flush spreading over his face, which definitely didn't help his case. "That's not true! She's making stuff up! Plus, if I really did have a crush on him, why would I admit that to you in the middle of Moonclan camp?"

"So you do like him." Honeystrike deduced, grinning broadly. "But fine. We'll talk about it later, okay?" She nudged him towards Swanstar. "Brackenstar just came out. I think you have important deputy stuff to do."

"I-" Riverdream turned back to object before realizing that his friend was right. "Never mind." He stepped forwards to be even with Swanstar as Pikesplash and Brackenstar approached them.

"Swanstar." Moonclan's leader dipped their head, though they didn't seem entirely happy to see the white she-cat. "You didn't have to do something as gracious as this."

"I don't see why not." Swanstar smiled, but there was a triumphant look in her gaze. "You're struggling. We have the resources to help you. Why would we not help out our sister Clan?"

"I think 'struggling' may be a strong word." Brackenstar's smile was cold and Riverdream noticed Pikesplash's gaze narrow slightly. "But we thank you for your… gift. You're too kind." The other leader's voice was laced with malice.

"I know." Swanstar wasn't fazed by the coldness of the other leader. "Riverdream, would you like to distribute the catmint? I'm sure that Pikesplash can direct you to who's sick."

Riverdream's eyes widened, and he glanced over towards Honeystrike, but she was nowhere to be seen. She went to go chat with her Moonclan friends, didn't she? Shit-

"Yeah." He managed to get out, glaring at Pikesplash. "Can you-" He pushed a bundle of catmint towards Pikesplash. "Can you help me out, please?"

Pikesplash didn't respond, simply picking up the bundle of catmint and trotting off towards one of the many Moonclan dens. Riverdream let out a heavy sigh and followed, trying to keep his tail from dragging in the dust. This was the last place he wanted to be.

"Where first?" Riverdream asked around the catmint, trying to get a conversation starting. Something about staying in awkward silence with Pikesplash was just… worse. "Do you have a lot of sick cats?"

"Just a few elders and a kit." Pikesplash responded, looking embarrassed at the admission. "You didn't need to bring this much catmint. One bundle would've been enough."

Riverdream felt a hot flash of anger at that. He's so ungrateful! Be happy we brought you catmint at all!

"You're so grateful." He quipped back. "We could've just hoarded what we had. Y'know, like you guys do every leafbare."

Pikesplash's green gaze narrowed with irritation, but Riverdream didn't back down. He wasn't about to lose an argument to stupid, (beautiful) Pikesplash.

"I don't see what's wrong with keeping herbs for your Clanmates." The gray deputy's voice was quiet. "Your morals really aren't great for a future leader, are they?"

His words struck Riverdream like a blow. He knew that he was an inadequate deputy, but it hurt more than he expected to hear it out loud.

"I…" He found himself speechless, shame and hurt clear in his blue eyes.

"Guess I wasn't too far off." Pikesplash said simply, before brushing past him. The touch of his fur against Riverdream's made him shiver, but not from the chill. His fur is surprisingly… soft.

He wasn't sure why one of his stupid crushes had to be on the Moonclan deputy that he simultaneously couldn't stand. He had crushes all the time, of course, but this one was just… worse. And of course, because Goldstreak had somehow sniffed it out, half of Sunclan knew about it.

Realizing that Pikesplash had gone into the den without him, he reached down to pick up his catmint, but apparently it wasn't needed. The gray deputy exited the den, and Riverdream noticed that he had more than enough catmint left. Maybe he was right about one bundle.

Pikesplash glanced at him cautiously, as if he was expecting some rude response to his previous comment. Riverdream didn't speak, however. For once, he didn't even meet those mesmerizing green eyes. He simply padded towards the general direction of the nursery, not even caring if he was going in the right direction.

He just wanted to go back to camp, and lie next to Honeystrike in his nest, and cry about his crush for a good night. He was sick of competing with a superior deputy.

Pikesplash followed a few tail-lengths behind, and the silence was thick in the air. Normally, Riverdream wouldn't sulk, and try to shake it off, but he didn't want to. Pikesplash's words had decided to stick, and he knew he'd be thinking about them uncontrollably for the next two days.

"River?" Pikesplash's voice made him freeze.

"Don't call me that." He snapped, whipping around to glare at Pikesplash. He must've heard Honeystrike or Goldstreak use it. "That nickname is reserved for cats who I actually like. Y'know, the ones who aren't fucking pricks."

"Okay." Pikesplash took a step back as if in surrender. "I- Sorry. I just wanted to apologize."

"Okay." Riverdream repeated, the corners of his mouth turning down in a pout. "I don't forgive you."

He wanted to, though. He wanted to forgive Pikestreak because it wasn't like the gray cat had said anything that wasn't true. I guess he was just brutally pointing out the truth, no matter how much it hurt.

"Oh." Pikesplash looked rather confused. "I… I'm sorry?"

"Have you decided just not to be awful now?" Riverdream questioned, not turning around. "You were being all smug and Moonclan-like two minutes ago!"

The only answer he received was silence. Riverdream let out a long sigh. "Fine. See you next Gathering."

"See you next Gathering." Pikesplash whispered. He sounded almost sad. It made Riverdream pause, and he began to turn around. Swanstar's voice interrupted whatever he was going to say, however.

"Riverdream. We're going now." The white leader ordered. "Will you please give the rest of your catmint to Weaselfrost? I've decided to leave it with Moonclan."

Riverdream nodded, and nudged his bundle of catmint towards Weaselfrost. His paws bumped awkwardly against Weaselfrost's, and he swore he saw the other cat flush. Riverdream quickly withdrew his paw, not wanting to make the medicine cat uncomfortable.

He could still feel Pikesplash staring, and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. He wasn't sure why the other cat had such a large effect on him. They weren't even friends.

You could be, though. A voice whispered in his head. You're just worried you'll lose.

Riverdream wasn't sure if he would lose, though. If he became friends with Pikesplash, wouldn't it make it even easier to win? The other deputy would finally let his guard down, like he had for a rare, brief moment today.

—-

"Y'know, I have more information about that crush of yours." Honeystrike whispered in his ear as they approached the Gatheringplace.

Riverdream spun to face her, indignation flitting across his features. "And you decided to save it for now? Honeystrike, what the fuck? We're practically there!"

"Sorry." The golden cat apologized, but she didn't look sorry. "It just… slipped my mind. Now, do you want to hear it or not?"

"Sure you did." Riverdream bit back sarcastically, but didn't push the issue any further. "Fine. What is it?"

"I suppose it's not actually that interesting." Honeystrike admitted. "But I was talking to all my Moonclan friends when we were there, right? Brownflash and Rosecloud? Anyways, they were saying that Pikesplash is kinda a… lone wolf in Moonclan."

"Lone wolf?" Rivedream repeated. "You mean he doesn't have any friends?"

"Well, kinda." Honeystrike shrugged. "Apparently he's been focused on being deputy for a long time. Brackenstar was his mentor, so it was kinda obvious that they'd choose him next. But that's been his only ambition for moons. So uh… he was so focused on that that everyone else kinda got shut out."

The more Riverdream thought about it, it made sense. The way Pikesplash so aggressively compared himself to Riverdream, as if elevating himself higher would make him a better deputy. No wonder he insulted my morals. He just wants to feel better about himself. And it also explained the awkwardness of the interaction after. It was clear the other cat had no idea how to interact with others.

"So you think I should be his friend?" He questioned, turning to look at his friend. "Because he has no others in his own Clan. It's not like he does anything but compete with me, to be honest."

"Well, you're not much better." Honeystrike shot him a look. "Don't deny it. It's all, 'Pikesplash and I bickered and I think he's incredibly sexy'. You're being ridiculous. This is the worst crush yet."

"Shut up!" Riverdream hissed, a blush spreading over his features. Oh no. Now I'm going to walk into the Gathering all flushed like an idiot. "That's- That's not true! You're overdramatizing things!"

"You sure about that?" His friend smirked, raising a questioning eyebrow. "Because I don't think so. I know that I was awful when I was crushing on Daisypool, but I wasn't mean to her. How are you supposed to get Pikesplash to like you when you're awful to him back?"

"All he wants to talk about is being deputy." Riverdream sighed. "You're right, he really is obsessed. It's a little problematic."

"I'm sure he's interested in more than that." Honeystrike nudged him towards where Pikesplash was already sitting at the base of Moonclan's rock. "Why don't you go find out, eh? Get inside that handsome head of his!"

"I hate you." Riverdream glared at her, but there was no bite to his words. He left her in peace, however, going up to the other deputy. Here goes nothing.

"Uh…" Whatever words Riverdream might've had planned disappeared as Pikesplash turned to face him. "Hi."

"Hi." The gray deputy seemed to be surprised that Riverdream was even speaking to him. Judging by the rather interesting interaction they had a half moon ago, he couldn't exactly blame him. To be honest, Riverdream wasn't quite sure why he was doing this.

"I…" Riverdream sat down, aware that he was still extremely flushed. Con of having pale fur, I guess. If Pikesplash was blushing, I'd have no idea.

"Can… Can I help you with something?" Pikesplash was eyeing him with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. (Disgust seemed to be a common emotion for the other deputy.) "Or are you just here to be mean again?"

I'm the one that's being mean? What the hell are you talking about? Riverdream's jaw clenched, and he nearly snapped out a cruel retort to Pikesplash's jab. Shaking with barely suppressed fury, he tried to keep his face neutral and friendly. "I… Well, I thought you might want to talk."

"About what?" The other cat looked genuinely confused, green eyes going wide for a brief second, and Riverdream felt a stab of pity. Does he ever talk to other cats, or is he just… really pathetic?

"About anything." He shrugged. "Y'know, like what you talk with friends about." He eyed the gray deputy carefully, trying to gauge his reaction. Your nonexistent friends, of course.

"What do you talk to your friends about?" Pikesplash questioned, and Riverdream's flush deepened. It's not like he could tell Pikesplash that all he had been talking to Honeystrike about was him. And how gorgeous he is. Fuck me.

"Uh… a number of things." He decided on saying, giving Pikesplash a sheepish smile. It was strange to interact with the other cat outside of bickering, even if the interaction only consisted of stilted, awkward conversation that would lead nowhere. "One of my best friends is named Honeystrike. I talk to her about everything, really. We were friends when we were apprentices, and-"

"Are you okay?" It didn't even seem like Pikesplash had been listening. Riverdream's expression quickly soured, but quickly went blank with shock when the other cat began to lean closer.

"You're really red." Pikesplash whispered, his muzzle inches from Riverdream's. His heart was pounding so hard that he thought it would explode out of his chest. "Are you feverish, or something?"

"I-I-I-" Riverdream couldn't form words. Pikesplash was so close, and the soft moonlight shining down from the trees made his eyes glow in a way that Riverdream couldn't even begin to describe. It was like gazing upon true beauty, except true beauty had taken the form of a socially awkward deputy who couldn't understand other cats.

"Just get flushed in hot weather." He choked out, trying to summon a smile. It turned out as more of a grimace, and he saw the concern in Pikesplash's eyes deepen.

"It's not warm, though." The gray deputy pointed out, looking genuinely confused. "I have thicker fur than you and I'm even a bit chilled."

Unexpectedly, Pikesplash leaned further forwards, placing his nose on Riverdream's forehead. He went stiff, not daring to move a muscle. He wasn't sure what had led to this turn of events, but he wasn't exactly complaining. (He could barely function, to be honest.)

"You don't feel warm." The other deputy whispered, his breath tickling the fur above Riverdream's eyes.

Riverdream let out a nervous laugh, floundering for any type of excuse. If Pikesplash kept doing this, he'd be quite warm soon enough. I think I might faint.

"I-I-I'll c-check with W-W-Weaselfrost when I get b-back." His voice was shaking so hard he wouldn't be surprised if Pikesplash hadn't understood a word he said. "P-Probably nothing."

"Okay." Pikesplash pulled away, and Riverdream let out a small sigh of relief at the cool air on his face. He could do nothing at stare at the other cat, wide-eyed, wondering what the fuck had spurred Pikesplash to do that and how he was so oblivious to Riverdream's reaction.

"Just didn't want you to catch greencough from Moonclan when you visited, or something." The deputy scuffed at the ground with his front paw nervously. "Even though we still have extra catmint. Bramble says she isn't sure what she's going to do with it all."

Riverdream had enough of his wits about him still to realize that Pikesplash had dropped the suffix of the medicine cat. Does he know her well? An unwelcome thought entered his head. A lover, perhaps?

"Do you know Bramblefur well?" He blurted out the question before he could second-guess himself, overcome by jealousy and just a bit of curiosity. "I know nothing about her. She seems like a good medicine cat. Is she a good medicine cat?"

He was aware that he was rambling, and Pikesplash didn't seem to know what to do with the sudden flood of questions.

"She's my sister." The gray tabby explained, raising an eyebrow. "And… yeah, I think she's pretty good. Been a bit stressed by this leaf-bare, though."

"Haven't we all?" Riverdream felt a rush of relief that was immediately followed by a stab of guilt. He was supposed to try to be friends with Pikesplash, not have a terrible gay crisis followed by wild accusations that had no logical evidence to them. Maybe this is why Honeystrike has no hope in my romantic life.

Pikesplash opened his mouth to respond, but at that moment, Swanstar called out the start of the Gathering.

"Oh-" Riverdream glanced up, realizing that he should've been at the base of Swanstar's rock long before now. "I should go. I… Bye!"

With that, he dashed off, face still bright red. He didn't wait to hear what Pikesplash said in response.

He could feel the other deputy's eyes, though, watching him as he left.

—-

Swanstar wasn't pleased with him.

It wasn't like she had said anything directly, but he could tell from the way that she completely ignored him on the way back from camp. Something about the narrow set of her jaw, the dark look in her blue eyes made him shudder.

"Swanstar?" He piped up, voice feeble and timid. "Is there anything I can-"

"You weren't in your spot when the Gathering started." The leader's voice was like ice, and Riverdream swallowed nervously. "May I ask why?"

"Y-Yeah, I know." He kept his blue gaze firmly focused at the ground, not daring to look over at the Sunclan leader. "I was talking to Pikesplash, and I got distracted."

"Why were you talking to him?" The disgust and disappointment in Swanstar's voice was quickly overtaken by confusion. "From the way you two were bickering when we were at Moonclan, I didn't think you wanted anything to do with him."

You and Brackenstar do the same thing. Riverdream's mouth nearly slipped into a pout, but he kept his composure, staying silent.

"Yet another example of you being distracted, I suppose." The white leader said dismissively. "Perhaps it's better if you… distance yourself from Moonclan's new deputy."

"W-What?" He glanced up sharply, shock flitting over his features. What is she talking about? "Why… Why should I do that?"

"He obviously seems to be getting on your nerves." Swanstar remarked. "And now you're making mistakes. Your presentation as a deputy matters, especially in events with Moonclan. They're still looking at you, watching to see how you'll compare to their deputy."

Her words were a harsh reminder that Riverdream had somehow forgotten why he had approached Pikesplash at the Gathering. Why he had given him catmint, and dared to stare into those green eyes at all.

He's the one you need to beat. His blue gaze hardened. You're the better deputy. He and you know you are. You just have to prove it instead of getting all flustered over one interaction-

He wasn't sure if he would ever forget that interaction, though. The cool press of Pikesplash's nose against his forehead. His fur brushing against Riverdream's, the way that their lips were almost-

"Yes." He squeaked, jolting himself out of his thoughts. "I know. I'm- I'm sorry. I'll do better."

"I do hope so." Swanstar responded coldly, before her expression softened slightly. "I just… don't want you to stray from your duties. Otherwise, you'll run into all sorts of trouble."

"I won't." Riverdream promised almost immediately. "That's- That's not what I'm trying to do at all. I just… Can't I have friends too?"

"That's not what I meant." The white leader said calmly. "Of course you can. Every cat should have friends."

Some don't. Riverdream's mind immediately flitted back to Pikesplash, which of course, made him flush again. The other cat seemed lonely, though, and very, very awkward. Something about him asking about Riverdream's friends just made his heart hurt, and it made it a little harder to remember that Riverdream wasn't his true friend either.

"But your responsibility as the future leader of this Clan comes over them." Swanstar continued. "It comes over everything. Just… don't forget that, or I may have to consider a replacement."

Her last two words sent an icy bolt of fear through Riverdream. A replacement? What- I've only made, what, two slip-ups? Why is she talking about a replacement already?

"Of course." He mumbled, trying to keep his panic at bay. "It won't happen again."

"Make sure it doesn't." Swanstar said simply, before brushing past him, leading the way into camp.

Riverdream simply stared after, not sure what to say, or do, or even think. He just felt so confused about everything.

I should talk to Honeystrike. Usually, those words came as a comfort to him, but he wasn't sure if any advice his best friend had to offer would help this mess.

—-

Honeystrike pulled him aside as soon as they got back to camp.

"Are you okay?" The golden she-cat demanded, glaring at him. "You weren't listening to a single word I said, were you?"

"You…" Riverdream hadn't known she was speaking at all. All he had been thinking about was the Gathering, and Swanstar's words, and how absolutely, truly screwed he was.

"Sorry." He mumbled apologetically. "I was just… preoccupied."

"Why?" Honeystrike looked puzzled. "Was Pikesplash mean to you again? Aww, how-"

"No." Riverdream shook his head. "That's the weird thing. He… wasn't mean. He was just really awkward. And he thought I had a fever."

"Huh?" The golden cat tilted her head. "That's… strange."

"It's because I was blushing." Riverdream explained. "Because you decided to be awful and tease me about him right before I went and talked to him."

"That's not my fault!" Honeystrike looked affronted. "But… How did it go otherwise? Did you get anything of substance or did you freak out?"

"What do you mean, anything of substance?" Riverdream sighed heavily. "His sister is the medicine cat. Uh, I highly doubt that he knows that I have a crush on him because he's the most oblivious cat I've ever met."

"Isn't that good, though?" Honeystrike pointed out. "I mean, it'd be much worse if he was perceptive and picked up on it and used it as a reason to like, make fun of you." She eyed him curiously. "While we're on the subject of that, do you still have your stupid rivalry going on? Or is that finally over?"

"I don't think that will be over until one of us is dead or one of us becomes leader." Riverdream admitted. "Which, with my luck, he'll manage to do first. But maybe us becoming friends will give me… an advantage."

"What kind of advantage?" Honeystrike asked. "Friends or not, you're still on equal ground. Both deputies. Both young. Both handsome." She nudged Riverdream teasingly, and he rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't know if he has many other friends." He shuffled his paws. "Or any friends at all. When I asked him what he talked to his friends about, he looked genuinely confused. I… It sounds weird, but I felt kinda bad?"

"Because he's a loser?" Honeystrike didn't seem to hold the same sympathies. "But what, you think being his only friend will put you at a better chance at beating him?" She wrinkled her nose. "Whatever 'beating him' entails."

"Well, he'll let his guard down if we're friends." Riverdream explained. "And the more I know about him, the more it'll help me out if we ever… get turned against each other. Y'know, if there was a war, or something similar."

"Why would there be a war?" Honeystrike let out a nervous laugh. "River, you're talking crazy. I know that being around Pikesplash makes your head spin but just… chill. Starclan, I don't know if using his friendship as a secret battle tactic is the best idea."

"You haven't heard Swanstar lately." Riverdream objected, anxiety welling up in him. "Her old age has made her insane instead. She's all convinced that Brackenstar's on the verge of declaring war because they want that stretch of pine trees near the border. I don't know how many times I've told her that it's nothing to worry about."

"Did Pikesplash drop anything about that?" Honeystrike did seem to believe him, which he was grateful for. Honestly, he didn't know if Swanstar's accusations held any truth. He was just afraid that if they did, no one would be ready for the following conflict.

"No." He shook his head. "Again, I don't know if there's any substance to Swanstar's claims. I'm just telling you what she told me." He paused. "Which, now that I think about it, she did tell me not to tell anyone else. Oops."

"Hey, I'm not 'anyone else'." Honeystrike said dismissively. "I'm your best friend, and it's not like I'm going to tell anyone. Swanstar's delusions are hardly interesting gossip."

"Good point." Riverdream sighed. "I just don't want to lose my position."

"You're not going to lose your position." Honeystrike rested her head on his shoulder. "When will you stop being paranoid about that? You're the best warrior Sunclan's seen for seasons. You've got this in the bag. Don't even worry."

Riverdream nodded, and tried to feel reassured by her words.

—-

"Good evening." Riverdream hadn't expected the smile on Pikesplash's face. It actually suited him well. Too well. A familiar flush was creeping up Riverdream's face already.

Plus, he had expected Pikesplash to have one of those sinister, dark smiles that made you automatically feel like you were about to die. Not a bright grin, accompanied by a slight blush. Even his eyes were scrunched up a little, which made him look a whole lot nicer than he usually did. It was stupidly cute.

"H-Hi." He stuttered out, plastering on a grin of his own, which was definitely not as cute as Pikesplash's. The gray tabby held eye contact for just a moment too long, and when he realized, glanced away quickly.

With the dark fur, it was hard to tell, but Riverdream swore that Pikesplash was blushing.

"It's nice and warm now, isn't it?" The conversation would quickly devolve into awkward silence if Riverdream didn't speak up. "Full on newleaf."

"It is." Pikesplash agreed, glancing up at the budding leaves on the trees. The other deputy's mood seemed to sour right after. "Though that means greenleaf is next."

"What's wrong with greenleaf?" Riverdream asked, raising a questioning eyebrow. "It's the best season! It's warm, there's plenty of prey, and everyone is happier."

"It's not warm." Pikesplash stuck out his bottom lip in a pout, and Riverdream resisted a laugh at the kitlike behavior. "It's hot. Way too hot."

"Well, with your fur, sure." He shrugged, glancing at Pikesplash's thick tabby fur. If he stared for too long, he would start to imagine how soft it must be. "But for me, who's always freezing during leafbare, greenleaf is a relief."

"Perhaps you just need someone to keep your nest warm." Pikesplash remarked.

Riverdream stared at him, speechless. "W-W-" He couldn't get his words out. What is he implying? "W-What are you i-implying with that?"

Pikesplash looked genuinely confused. "Uh… nothing. What would I be implying?"

Oh Starclan, is he serious? Riverdream's eyes widened further. He wasn't sure how Pikesplash had missed the obvious sexual undertones to his comment. He really is an idiot. "I… Do you seriously not get it?"

Pikesplash didn't respond, only looking more confused. Riverdream didn't exactly want to explain the hidden meaning in Pikesplash's message. "Ugh, never mind. I don't even have anyone like that anyways. Sunclan toms are gross."

"Toms?" Pikesplash's voice was a whisper, and Riverdream realized that he might've fucked up.

Sunclan was certainly the more… progressive of the two Clans, and he wasn't used to hiding his sexuality among his clanmates. Gatherings and other events with Moonclan, however, were a different game. Though he didn't think Moonclan was openly homophobic, many of Pikesplash's clanmates had been less than kind when the news of Riverdream being gay had reached them.

It was funny, because he had never even considered that Pikesplash could be one of those cats. (He had blindly decided to believe otherwise.)

The gray tom didn't seem to be eyeing him with his usual disgust, however. It was strange, but it almost looked like something akin to hope was in the deputy's eyes. Riverdream quickly deleted the mental excuse he had been making up for his slip-up.

"I…" He found that he couldn't speak. "Yeah." He didn't meet Pikesplash's eyes. Didn't really want to know what the other tom's reaction was going to be.

"Oh." Pikesplash's voice was quiet, and there was an emotion in his gaze that Riverdream couldn't decipher. Probably hate. He hates me now.

He knew, deep down, that his relationship with Pikesplash was all a lie. That in the end, they were still competitors, and that their friendship would never last. But it made it harder and harder to think that way when Riverdream was beginning to enjoy every short second they spent together.

"I should probably go." He said abruptly, standing up. "The Gathering will start soon. Swanstar will want me to-"

"Riverdream." The sharpness of Pikesplash's tone shocked him, and Riverdream turned, almost fearing to meet the green eyes of the other cat. This is when he's going to tell me he wants nothing to do with me.

What Pikesplash said next was entirely unexpected. "Will you meet me at the border tomorrow night?"

"W-What?" He stuttered, blue eyes going wide.

Pikesplash didn't provide an answer, or any explanation at all. Instead, he got to his paws, and shot Riverdream one of those small, warm, unexpected smiles before he left.

It was at that moment that Riverdream knew that he couldn't say no.

—-

The sun was sinking in the sky when Riverdream left camp.

It felt like he was floating, not entirely there. Honeystrike had definitely noticed that something was wrong, but when she had tried to pester him, it had been ineffective.

(He would end up telling her later, of course.)

Luckily, no one asked where he was going. He had thought up several excuses for his absence, but it didn't seem like anyone cared. He just hoped that Swanstar wouldn't have anything especially pressing to talk about tonight.

He had walked this path a thousand times, since he had been a new apprentice, practically a kit, until now. This felt… strangely different. Not like the dreary morning patrols or the midday hunts in the burning sun. It felt like he was walking the territory for the first time again, hurtling towards the uncertain, the mysterious.

To be honest, it made him feel a bit sick.

Riverdream took a shuddering, shallow breath, trying to regain some of his earlier confidence. With his luck, by the time he reached Pikesplash, he'd be bright red.

Part of him was scared that this was all a trick. A test set by the other deputy, to see how gullible he really was. It could be a Moonclan invasion. A trap to take out Riverdream and-

He didn't want to believe any of that, though. Didn't want to believe the wild theories that Swanstar had been ranting about for the last two moons. Riverdream was scared that he'd turn out like her, obsessing over useless details and making mountains out of molehills. He was scared that it would make him hate anyone who ever did something wrong.

He was scared it would make him hate Pikesplash. He was supposed to hate Pikesplash. (He did hate Pikesplash, right?) But it was clear that he couldn't do anything right, from the early botched patrols and cats whispering about the new deputy's flaws and how he'd never be Whiteblaze and-

Pull it together, Riverdream. It felt like he was slowly sinking into the ground, the earth pulling at his paws. This isn't the time for a breakdown.

He crested the final hill before the border, and paused, breathing in the sharp newleaf air. It smelled faintly of flowers and dew, and the moonlight dappled on the clearing in front of him made it all look a little mystical.

Riverdream's blue gaze lifted up towards the Moonclan border, looking for familiar gray fur and green eyes. What he saw instead, however, was flowers. Pink flowers.

They were everywhere, nestled into the low branches of the trees, on top of the grass, crushed under Riverdream's paws, filling the entire air with their light scent. It felt like he was in some dream, where the earth was flowers and everything was beautiful.

"Do you like it?"

Pikesplash's voice felt far away, floating aimlessly through his head, but Riverdream could immediately tell that the other cat was nervous. He looked side to side, blearily looking for the other cat. All the flowers had made him a little light-headed, and everything was starting to spin slightly.

Pikesplash was hardly visible in the shadows, gray fur blending in with the dark undergrowth of Moonclan territory. Riverdream could only see his eyes; those bright, grass-green eyes that had followed him through dreams and Gatherings and haunted his every waking moment.

Riverdream thought that they were the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

"Did you do this?" He whispered a question of his own as a response. "All this?" He gestured vaguely at the pink flowers.

"Yeah." Pikesplash looked sheepish, and took a step out into the moonlight. His fur glowed silver, and Riverdream thought he looked like a Starclan cat. The cat of my dreams, I suppose. He nearly let out a little snort at his own joke.

"It's…" To be truthful, Riverdream didn't have words. "Beautiful. Starclan, Pikesplash, I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Other than you.

"Really?" Pikesplash's hesitant tone from before had disappeared, replaced by obvious relief. "It… It took me most of the afternoon."

Riverdream took another look around him, and it didn't surprise him that it had taken the gray deputy so long to weave this elaborate floral tapestry together. (He was secretly wondering what Sunclan's dawn patrol was going to think tomorrow.)

"I can believe that." He choked out, unable to hold his questions in any longer. "But… why? I just… did you do this for… me?" It seemed silly to ask such a question, and almost selfish to believe, but Riverdream couldn't help but hope. He had been hoping for two moons.

Pikesplash seemed uncertain for a few moments, and for a fleeting, horrible moment, Riverdream realized that he might've gotten this all wrong. That this was something completely different, and he had read the room wrong and let his dreams get the better of him. Guess my name is fitting.

"Yeah." The gray cat's voice was barely audible, and Riverdream had to lean forwards towards Pikesplash to properly hear him. He reeled backwards, shock coursing through him. What?

"Really?" He responded, frozen with disbelief. "But… why? It's beautiful, but it's a lot for a friend-"

"It's not for a friend." Pikesplash stuttered out, looking incredibly embarrassed, and now Riverdream was confused. What was the other deputy talking about? If it wasn't for him, but not for a friend, were they… not friends? Is this his incredibly weird way of telling me that he actually hates me?

"Oh." He frowned. "Uh… but it's still for me? Am I not your friend or something?"

If anything, his question made Pikesplash flush even more with embarrassment. He was quietly mouthing things to himself, as if he had prepared a sort of script beforehand and reading it had gone horribly wrong. Riverdream just decided to wait and hope that the moon wouldn't set before Pikesplash got his words out.

"You are." The gray deputy said at last, his words clunky and uncertain. "It's… I made it for… uh…" He mumbled something else, but it was too quiet for Riverdream to hear.

Pikesplash glanced up at Riverdream expectantly, but winced once he realized that he hadn't heard. "It's for… a… crush. You." It sounded like it was physically painful for him to get the words out.

Riverdream was hardly concerned with that, of course, because it felt oddly like his entire world was spinning. Me. Crush. He likes… me?

"Me?" He could do nothing but stare at Pikesplash, frozen to the ground. Was this whole flower thing some sort of dramatic love confession? This was the type of shit that happened in dreams, fantasies, not to Riverdream. Things like this never happened to anyone who wanted to fall in love.

"Yeah." Pikesplash's eyes had gone round with concern, and Riverdream realized that he seemed scared that he was going to say no. Not that Riverdream could ever say no, because this guy had literally covered the border in pink love flowers for him.

"I…" It was his time for the dramatic confession. Riverdream opened his mouth, ready to tell Pikesplash about the two moons of pining and hopeless romanticizing he had been doing, begging for something like this to come true. (But also knowing the dangers of it.)

He didn't speak, though. He simply leaned forwards, embracing Pikesplash in an awkward hug. It was harder than expected, judging that Pikesplash's shoulders were much broader than his and the other cat had to practically stoop down to let Riverdream hug him properly. In hindsight, this might not have been the best idea.

"Riverdream?" Pikesplash mumbled into his shoulder. "Are… Are you saying no?"

Riverdream stiffened. What is he talking about?

"N-No." He shook his head, even if the other cat couldn't see the movement. "I… I guess I can't believe this is real. That you like me back. Because uh…" He pulled back so he could stare Pikesplash in the eyes. "I've liked you for two moons, Pikesplash."

"What?" Pikesplash's eyes widened, and his paws went stiff from where they rested on Riverdream's shoulders. "But- Why? I was horrible to you, and though you weren't super nice back, I always thought you were being nice to me out of absolute necessity-"

I was. Riverdream thought silently. In a way, he still was. He didn't say any of that, though. He couldn't.

"I liked you ever since I saw you at that first Gathering." He admitted, flushing crimson. "Why do you think I was always red around you? I… I just thought you hated me."

"I thought you hated me." Pikesplash responded simply, looking confused. "I thought I gave you a good reason to hate me."

"Well… I can't say you were the nicest at first." The corner of Riverdream's mouth twitched up in a small smile. "But… Starclan, Pikesplash, did you know that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen?"

The gray deputy gave a small, embarrassed smile, a red flush creeping up his face. Riverdream found it adorable. "I've gotten a few… compliments about them. Never really took it seriously until you, though."

"Why not?" Their faces were inches apart, and Riverdream nearly leaned closer. He didn't know if he should, though. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Pikesplash.

The gray cat made the move for him, however, and Riverdream let out a small gasp. His first kiss was something he had merely fantasized about until there was no way it would come true. He liked this much better than anything his mind could invent, however.

"It didn't matter as much to me coming from someone else." Pikesplash whispered the answer to Riverdream's question, his breath stirring the fur on Riverdream's face. "But it means the world coming from you."

Riverdream smiled, smelling the flowers around him.

—-

It was easy for Riverdream to remember why he loved greenleaf.

The balmy Sunclan air and plentiful prey had been making everyone breathe a little easier, though everyone was still extremely busy, Riverdream included. Being a deputy and maintaining a consistent (yet secret) relationship was harder than it seemed.

He didn't know if cats were noticing his absence. To be honest, he wasn't sure if he particularly cared. Right now, he felt like he'd give everything just to spend more time with Pikesplash. He'd skip patrol, cancel training sessions with Honeystrike or Goldstreak to sneak off to the border.

It gave him a rush of adrenaline, to know that technically, what he was doing was against Clan code. (Not that anyone ever listened to the clan code anymore. Sunclan had practically abolished the whole thing.) If Swanstar found out, she'd be furious.

Riverdream, for once, had put those thoughts to the back of his mind. It felt like he had spent an awful amount of time prepping for his future as leader instead of enjoying the time he had as deputy, and as a warrior. He wouldn't be doing this whole charade when he was Riverstar.

He wouldn't trade this for anything else, though. Seeing Pikesplash's small smiles and scrunched up nose when he disliked something and hearing about his life- his actual life, not the life that Riverdream had fabricated for him when all he did was view the deputy from a distance. Pikesplash loved his sister more than anything else ('second to you', he had said with a corny grin), and he loved rain, and the dense shadows of Moonclan territory. And he loved Riverdream. A lot.

He told Riverdream all the time, and he was sure he'd said it twice as many times back. For someone who had always been hard to read, Pikesplash was surprisingly… open with his feelings once you got to know him. Riverdream wondered how many cats had actually gotten to know him, or if they had preferred to sit and stare instead, making up rumors about the deputy that were nothing farther than the truth.

None of this would ever be taken outside of their little clearing, however. Riverdream hadn't even told Honeystrike, much to his best friend's annoyance. For once, he thought this was too private for even the golden she-cat to know. Something felt… wrong about telling Honeystrike when Pikesplash didn't want it to be spread.

He understood why, of course. Pikesplash had a reputation as a deputy to uphold, and so did Riverdream. They behaved as friends during Gatherings, and to anyone viewing, they didn't seem like anything more. Honestly, most cats were still surprised that they had managed to form a friendship in the first place.

Riverdream was still wondering how he had managed to get inside Pikesplash's walls. At first, they had seemed so high that he doubted anyone could get in.

Deep down, he still knew that part of the whole situation was fake. That his original motive to become friends with Pikesplash in the first place was to betray the gray cat later on. He wanted to win, to be the better deputy, and later on, the better leader. Sunclan depended on his strength.

He wondered if Pikesplash felt the same way. Obviously, he was invested in his position (Riverdream heard about it constantly), but had Pikesplash stopped thinking of them as rivals? Of course they had moved far beyond their initial hatred of each other, but… they were still in opposite Clans, who both wanted the same thing. Pikesplash and Riverdream had the same goal, but only one of them would succeed.

He wished that he could forget about the whole rivalry. He wished that Pikesplash wasn't Moonclan's deputy. Hell, sometimes he wished he wasn't a deputy. Cats had cross-clan relationships all the time. Though the Code prohibited it, the leaders of the two Clans had stopped caring long ago.

Cats were happy that way. With nights spent in the other Clan, and long talks at Gatherings, many had made it work. Though Riverdream originally believed that he personally would be happy in his own Clan, it seemed like love had other plans.

Even if those plans were forcing him to sacrifice everything else.

He blinked, torn out of his thoughts. The camp entrance was right in front of him, and due to him spacing out, Riverdream had nearly run into it.

He righted himself, and slipped into camp, taking a curious look around to see what everyone was up to. He'd have to assign the sundown patrols soon, and make sure that the fresh-kill pile wasn't too late. Moonclan must've marked the border again by now, so Sunclan would have to follow up before the moon came up. All this stuff was drilled into his head now, another part of a boring routine that he didn't always love to follow.

You have to follow it, though. He reprimanded himself harshly. This is how deputies generations before you have done it. You're no different.

Sometimes he felt different, though. Sometimes he felt like a fraud, and from the way Swanstar had been looking at him lately, he wondered if she felt the same way.

As if something had read his thoughts, Swanstar appeared in the entrance to her den, silhouetted by shadows. It only took Riverdream a few seconds to guess that she was not happy.

"Riverdream." Swanstar flicked her tail. "My den." With that, she turned around, striding back into the darkness. He swallowed nervously. Oh boy. Here goes.

He ducked into the small den, standing awkwardly at the entrance like he usually did. He hoped that he had assumed wrong, that Swanstar wasn't mad at him and actually irritated about something else. (It never worked out that way, of course.)

"Is there something I can do for you?" He squeaked out, trying and failing for a smile. When Swanstar was angry, things never went well. He wouldn't say the Sunclan leader had anger… issues, per se, but she wasn't great at expressing it. Her primary method of expelling her rage was to take it out on everyone else, which consisted of him and occasionally Weaselfrost.

"Riverdream." Swanstar repeated, her voice like ice. "May I ask you where you've been for the last two moons?"

Oh shit. He stiffened, not daring to look his leader in the eye. There was no possible way he could tell her the truth. That wouldn't go well at all. He'd have to break things off with Pikesplash, and Swanstar might demote him anyways, and-

"W-What are you talking about?" He asked uneasily, trying to feign ignorance. "I… I haven't been anywhere. I've been doing duties as normal."

"Have you?" Swanstar's blue gaze narrowed further. "Because I'd like to disagree."

"Oh?" Riverdream tried to look surprised. Whether it worked or not, he didn't know. He had never been the strongest actor. "I… I'm sorry if my performance isn't up to deputy standards-"

"Well, here's the problem." Swanstar interrupted him. "It was. Your performance was up to deputy standards two moons ago. And now, well… it kind of feels like it's all gone to shit." She turned a burning blue gaze onto him. "Don't you agree?"

"Yeah, of course." Riverdream said almost immediately. "I'm really sorry about that. I'll do better-"

"I think you're distracted." Swanstar cut in, eyeing him skeptically. "I think that something has come and charmed you away and now you're prioritizing that over your deputy duties. That's what I think is going on here."

"W-What exactly would I be distracted by?" Riverdream gave a nervous smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Being deputy is all I've ever wanted! I… I worked my entire life for this, I couldn't even think of something I would be distracted by-"

He trailed off, realizing that he sounded exactly like Pikesplash. Honestly, Riverdream wasn't sure he could judge the other cat for being so focused on his position when he did the exact same thing. But in this moment, all he could think about was how he couldn't lose his position.

He had worked his entire life for this. Worked his ass off as an apprentice and became one of the youngest warriors Sunclan ever had. Got his first apprentice early, and helped her become a fine warrior. He had led more patrols than warriors twice his age had ever led. Yet, Swanstar didn't think he was good enough. He had given everything.

Everything that he could afford to give, at least.

"I know you worked hard for this spot." Swanstar seemed to be reading his thoughts. "And I reward those who work hard. But I don't reward those who decide to slack off once they think they've won." She leaned forwards, her voice turning hard and cold. "Riverdream, I'll state it to you clearly; If you do not find a way to remove this distraction in your life, I will give your position to someone else."

And just like that, Riverdream's worst fears had come true.

This was exactly what he hadn't wanted. Swanstar forcing him to choose between the cat he loved most and the position he had done everything for. He didn't know if he could give up either. He didn't want to give up either.

He didn't want to say goodbye to Pikesplash's soft smiles and long-winded stories that often didn't have any point at all. He had barely gotten any time with the other deputy and Swanstar was already trying to rip it away.

Riverdream wanted to scream at his leader, to tell her that she had no idea what he felt like and what she was asking him to choose. But if he did that, she would definitely demote him. He'd never have a chance at being deputy again. He'd never lead Sunclan, carry the -star suffix like a badge of honor. All his dreams would be crushed.

He didn't say anything he wanted to say, though. Instead, he lied. (All he did was lie.)

"I understand." he said solemnly, keeping his voice even and strictly professional. Swanstar would be watching carefully for any hints of emotion, of anger, or sadness, whatever it would be. Riverdream wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing him unravel.

"I'll do better." He promised, bowing his head as a show of respect towards his leader. "I promise. I won't let you down." All "I" statements. He was the only one in the wrong, according to Swanstar.

"I'll believe that promise when I see it." The white cat replied. "Don't disappoint me again. Otherwise, I may have to start considering other candidates."

The mere thought of another deputy made Riverdream feel sick. He gave a shaky nod, and turned towards the entrance of the den, getting the feeling that he had been dismissed.

"Riverdream." Swanstar's voice made him pause. He turned back, fear coursing through him. Maybe she's changed her mind and decided to get rid of me now.

"Yes?" He whispered.

"I give second chances." The leader said simply. "But I never give third chances."

With that, she let him leave.

—-

He didn't feel like he usually felt at the border the next day.

Usually, Riverdream looked forward to these meetings. He liked talking to (and kissing) Pikesplash more than almost anything, but Swanstar's words continued to ring in his head.

"But I never give third chances." One more mistake and it was the end. Riverdream didn't know how to tell him.

Pikesplash seemed to be in a strange mood as well, however. They were lying together on the warm summer grass, Riverdream's head resting on Pikesplash's shoulder. It was quiet and peaceful, and if he strained his ears, he could hear the faint sound of the other cat's heartbeat.

"Riverdream?" Pikesplash whispered, breaking the thin curtain of silence between them. "Are you alright?"

"Hm?" He glanced up, meeting Pikesplash's gaze. "Yeah. Just deep in thought." He didn't know how to tell him. Honestly, he didn't want to tell him. Didn't want Pikesplash to be reminded of their "rivalry" and all the things that they still had to achieve.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Pikesplash pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "You seem all nervous about something. Did Swanstar do something again?"

It was almost ironic how well Pikesplash knew him, even though they had only spent a moon or so together. Riverdream let out a small sigh.

"Yeah." He said heavily. "She's just… There's a lot of pressure with being deputy. She expects perfection and that's not always something I'm the best at giving." His mouth curved up in a sad smile.

"Well, I'd get that better than anyone." Pikesplash murmured. "And it's similar in Moonclan. Brackenstar has expectations of their own."

"What are they like?" Riverdream asked, unable to hold back his curiosity any longer. He had only heard brief comments about the Moonclan leader from Swanstar (they were all negative, of course) and seen the leader at Gatherings. The true personality of the brown cat was a mystery to most, including Riverdream.

"Well…" Pikesplash tipped his head to the side, obviously conjuring up an answer. "They're quiet. I never really know what they're thinking half the time before they say it out loud. But they're kind. They tell me that they're proud of me." The gray cat gave a sheepish smile. "I think they favor me because I was their apprentice."

That Riverdream was jealous of. Things would've been so much easier if Swanstar had mentored him herself. Instead, he had struggled for recognition against the rest of the apprentices, mentored by a cat whose name Swanstar hadn't even bothered to remember.

Plus, he had never once heard Swanstar say that she was proud of him.

"They sound cool." The admission sprung out of him before he could think better of it. "Do you like them as a leader?"

"Yeah." Pikesplash said hesitantly. "But… they're really traditional. There's kinda this role that the Moonclan deputy is given that you just have to follow. It's like… if you want to do anything else, or take a step out of line, cats will look at you weird for the rest of your life."

"I've wanted to be deputy for as long as I can remember." The gray cat murmured. "And that's all I focused on for so long. But… To some of the warriors, I was never good enough. They all wanted their sons or daughters to be the next deputy, and… it just felt like I had to conform to these impossible social standards. And whatever I did, I would never be good enough."

"That's bullshit." Riverdream whispered, pulling Pikesplash into a hug. "You're a perfectly good deputy. They're just mad because Brackenstar didn't like their kits as much as you."

"You think so?" Pikesplash glanced at him nervously. "Sometimes I don't know." He paused. "Did you know that I was scared of you when I first saw you?"

That Riverdream didn't expect. He pulled away, staring at Pikesplash with wide, confused eyes. "What?"

"Yeah." Pikesplash smiled sheepishly. "I don't know what it was, exactly, but you just seemed so sure of yourself. When the news of you becoming deputy reached Moonclan, everyone knew who you were. I bet when you found out, you didn't even know my name."

It was Riverdream's turn to be sheepish. "Uh… yeah. Sorry."

"Oh, I'm not offended." Pikesplash shrugged. "I would've been surprised if you had. I didn't really pick up many friends throughout my apprenticeship, mostly because everyone wanted to kill me."

"Well, I suppose that makes sense." Riverdream hummed, still bewildered by the fact that Pikesplash had been scared of him. Pikesplash had been the confident one, cold, quiet, and calculated. Riverdream had been a spluttering mess who barely knew how to be a deputy. "I still don't get why you were scared of me, though. You're twice my size and all I did was act like an idiot."

"But you're charming." Pikesplash objected. "Something I was never able to do. You know how to get cats to love you. And you're so genuine about everything that it made me think that you loved everything. You have the popularity part down. Honestly, I bet that you could get a cat to think just about anything."

Riverdream's eyebrows furrowed with confusion. He had never seen himself as popular, or well-liked. He knew that most cats tolerated him to a certain point, but the cat that Pikesplash was describing sounded like someone completely different. Someone that Riverdream would always strive to be.

Something about his last sentence stuck with Riverdream, though. "I bet you could get a cat to think just about anything." He had gotten Pikesplash to think that he wanted to be friends, hadn't he? He had done that and more, and felt guilty about it all. Sometimes, having a silver tongue did more harm than good.

"I never thought of myself that way." He whispered. "Y'know, I thought you were in complete control of everything. That you totally knew what you were doing, and were confident about it. It was terrifying."

"Well, if it's any comfort, I don't." Pikesplash sighed. "I'm just doing what cats tell me to do." He glanced towards Riverdream. "Being a deputy is exhausting, sometimes." He paused. "If I had to make a choice between the two, I think I'd give it up for you."

Those words felt like claws digging into Riverdream's heart. Because he had finally succeeded. This was what he had wanted. He had orchestrated this from the beginning, as soon as he had become friends with Pikesplash. This was what he wanted. Right?

He didn't feel victorious, though. He just felt like a traitor.

—-

"Hey, are you okay?"

There was an unusual gentleness in Honeystrike's voice that often wasn't present. Riverdream took another bite of his mouse, though it was tasteless.

"Yeah." He said, but he knew that the golden she-cat wouldn't buy that. Because he wasn't okay. He was the opposite of okay. Everything was falling apart and he had to make a choice between power and the cat he loved most.

"Sure." Honeystrike snorted dismissively. The other cat got to her paws. "C'mon. Let's go talk somewhere privately, okay?"

"Okay." Riverdream murmured, following her towards the entrance of camp. He didn't know if Honeystrike would understand his dilemma. Secretly, he was worried that she would think he was selfish. (He knew he was selfish, but he had no other choice.)

The golden cat stopped in a quiet spot near the medicine den. "Right. What's wrong?"

Riverdream took a deep breath, trying to think of how best to explain the whole mess. "I… I think I might need to break up with Pikesplash."

Honeystrike's expression immediately morphed into one of confusion. "What? Why? I thought everything was fine! Did he do something?"

"No." He shook his head. "Pikesplash has done nothing. It's… It's my fault, really. I got myself into this whole mess."

"What whole mess?" Honeystrike questioned aggressively. "Riverdream, spit it out! It feels like you've barely been talking to me for the last two moons."

"I'm sorry." Riverdream didn't have the heart to argue with her. "I… I had a conversation with Swanstar a couple days ago. She's not happy with me-"

"Why not?" Honeystrike interrupted despite her just telling him to tell her the truth. Hypocrite. "I thought everything was fine! I thought Swanstar was content!"

"That's what I thought too." Riverdream sighed heavily. "But with the whole thing with Pikesplash going on, I've apparently gotten a little… distracted. She…" He found he could barely get the words out.

"She threatened my position, Honey." He choked out. "Said she would give it to someone else if I didn't get my shit together. And then Pikesplash said that he would give up being deputy for me, and I just…." He hung his head. "I don't know what to do. I can't lose this position."

"So you think that giving up Pikesplash is worth becoming leader someday?" Honeystrike asked quietly. Riverdream didn't dare look up, not wanting to see disappointment in the golden she-cat's eyes.

"I don't know." Riverdream let out a bitter laugh. "I don't know what is worth what anymore. All I know is that if I mess up one more time, that's it. Swanstar will replace me with someone else. Someone better."

"There's no one better than you, River." Honeystrike murmured reassuringly, pulling him into a hug. Riverdream leaned into her long fur, tears clouding his vision. He didn't want to do this. He didn't. But Swanstar had given him an ultimatum, and disobeying that felt like a horrible mistake.

"I think many cats would disagree." He whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I think that… that if things were to go south, and I do fuck it up, Swanstar would have many, many choices as a replacement."

"Well, that's her loss." Honeystrike was obviously trying to be comforting, but it wasn't what Riverdream wanted to hear. Yeah, maybe it'd be her loss, but Swanstar would hardly care. There were always more candidates, more cats willing to serve her. She could discard Riverdream just as easily as any of her other warriors.

"No, it's mine." He shook his head. "It's my loss. I'm the one who loses my position, my status, possibly even Pikesplash if he finds out. Who knows if he'd even love me anymore if we weren't equals."

"I think Pikesplash loves you for more than your status." Honeystrike didn't seem to believe his concerns. "And if that's all he loves you for, then that's really shallow of him. Honestly, you might not even want to be with someone like that."

"No, I know." Riverdream just wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Stupid Swanstar. "I just… I think that it'd be better for both of us if I ended it."

"Why?" Honeystrike still didn't seem to get it. "You could tell Swanstar, maybe? Other Sunclan cats have cross-clan relationships all the time and she doesn't care."

"She'd care because it's me." Riverdream gave a rueful smile. "Because to her, it's just a distraction. Something that will lessen my performance and therefore not a desirable pick for deputy." He paused. "So no. I can't. I doubt Brackenstar knows either, or they and Pikesplash would be having a very similar conversation."

"What, so she just wants you to be alone forever?" Honeystrike scoffed. "That seems rather cruel." The she-cat paused, obviously thinking over her next words. "Have you… Have you talked to Pikesplash about this?"

"No." Riverdream responded almost immediately. "I can't. It's not fair to him. He'd think it's something he did, and then he'll feel bad, and if I told him what Swanstar said he'd definitely break up with me. So… I can't."

"What, so you're just going to break up with him without giving an explanation?" Honeystrike argued. "Riverdream, that's not fair! You can't do that to him! Even if it would hurt you more, you have to be honest. Actually talk through the issue with him. Limit your meetings a little more, or-"

"You think this doesn't hurt me?" Riverdream stumbled back, staring at Honeystrike with wide eyes. "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! She's given me this impossible choice, and if I don't… If I don't choose the right one, I'll never be deputy again."

"So you're going to give up the cat you love." Honeystrike's voice was quiet and dull. "For your position."

Riverdream shut his eyes, his lip wobbling. "Y-Yeah. I think… I think that's what I have to do."

Honeystream, to his surprise, didn't try to argue with him. She only let out a long sigh, before giving a small nod.

"Okay." She said quietly. "But… tell him the truth. Promise me you'll do that."

"I promise." Riverdream whispered.

He had no idea if he'd follow through on that promise or not.

—-

When he approached the border the next day, it was with a heavy heart.

Riverdream had gathered his own little bouquet of flowers, almost mirroring the grand display Pikesplash had put on two moons ago to confess his love. He wanted to go back to that moment, lost in the flowers with no worries other than the cat in front of him.

All of the flowers he had chosen had their little sort of meaning, which didn't serve to make him feel better. He wasn't sure how he was going to do this, but Swanstar had provided an ultimatum and Riverdream had to deliver.

Camellias, hydrangeas, carnations, chrysanthemums. The last one represented death, which Riverdream had included as a warning to what was to come. He knew Pikesplash would never look at him the same again after this. He would hate him.

And Riverdream would understand why.

The familiar sight of the border in front of him made him want to be sick. This was the last thing he wanted to do. Stupid Swanstar. I hate her. All she does is ruin everything good that anyone has because she believes that it gets in the way to a conquest of "ultimate power". It's bullshit.

He had been tempted to take Honeystrike's advice, and bring up the topic, just seeing her views on it. He had been too scared that the white she-cat would've deduced what he was up to and promptly demoted him. As much as losing Pikesplash was going to hurt, losing his position would've killed him. It would kill him.

The final hill before the border lay ahead, and Riverdream gazed up at it with wide, fearful eyes. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of the flowers that he held before beginning to climb. Maybe Pikesplash won't show. Maybe he'll be late. Maybe-

When he crested the hill, however, Pikesplash was in his spot beneath a tall, straight pine tree. The gray tabby perked up almost immediately upon seeing Riverdream, but he could feel nothing but dread.

"River!" The other deputy chirped, coming forwards to embrace him. While the dropped name had originally irked Riverdream, he now found it… charming, in a way.

He doubted Pikesplash would be calling him for that much longer.

"Hi." He whispered, feeling faint as Pikesplash wrapped him in a warm hug. He could feel his resolve crumbling, and knew that if he stayed here, at the border with the cat that he loved most, he wouldn't end up saying what he needed to say.

What he had to say for the sake of his position.

He dropped the flowers at Pikesplash's paws, unable to hold back any longer. "These are for you." His voice was stiff and awkward, nothing like what Pikesplash was used to.

"Oh, thank you!" Pikesplash obviously hadn't caught onto the meaning of the flowers. He sniffed the bouquet before looking back up at Riverdream. "I didn't know we were back to the flower tradition. I'll have to up my game next time."

Riverdream tried to smile, feeling sick. There won't be a next time because of me. I'm so sorry, Pikesplash.

"I… There's something I have to tell you, actually." He whispered, looking away from the gray cat. He knew if he made contact with those green eyes, he would never get the words out.

"What's wrong?" He could hear concern in Pikesplash's voice. "Are you okay?"

"I-" Riverdream shut his eyes briefly, trying to summon words. "Yeah, I… I just-"

"We have to break up." He said quietly, the words feeling like poison on his tongue. "I… I'm breaking up with you."

A long silence followed his words, before Pikesplash choked out: "W-What?"

"We have to break up." Riverdream repeated, tears beginning to cloud his vision. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" Pikesplash was staring at him with wide, pleading eyes. "Was it something I did?"

The other cat sounded small and vulnerable, and Riverdream's voice caught in his throat. I can't do this.

"No, no, it's me." He said hurriedly. "S-Swanstar, she told me that I had to choose. I had to choose my position… or you. And you know how it feels, you'd die if you were demoted, so-"

"You're choosing being leader over me?" Pikesplash whispered, sounding almost… betrayed. Riverdream froze, because this was not how he wanted this to go. He thought the other cat would understand. He's a deputy! This is how it goes!

"I- Don't say it like that." He hung his head. "It's so much more difficult than that. I- I don't have a choice, Pikesplash-"

"Yes, you do!" Pikesplash's normally quiet voice was loud and fierce. "You do have a choice! You're just not taking it!"

"What-" Riverdream felt a hot swell of anger. "What are you talking about? Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I wanted to do this to you?"

"No!" Pikesplash shouted back. This was the angriest the two of them had been at each other. Our first and last fight. "Starclan, of course not! I just thought that maybe you would've chosen something over fucking power for once!"

Riverdream fell silent, staring at Pikesplash with wide, confused eyes. The other cat was breathing heavily, and refused to meet his gaze.

"I said that I would choose you over my position." The gray cat whispered. "I thought… I thought you felt the same way."

"I-" Riverdream bit his lip to keep from crying. Still, tears rolled down his face and fell into the grass below.

"Don't lie now and say that you would." Pikesplash shook his head. "It's too late. I just-" The gray cat turned a burning green gaze onto him. "Why did you become friends with me in the first place? If being deputy was all that mattered to you, then why do all of this?"

"Do you seriously think I don't love you?" Riverdream felt shock course through him. "That doing this is just another part of my day? Swanstar was going to demote me. I'd be like everyone else. You would've never looked my way."

"It's not that bad being like everyone else!" Pikesplash snapped. "And you don't know that! You know that I love you for more reasons than your status, right?" When Riverdream remained silent, he took a step forward. "Right?"

For some reason, he hadn't realized that Pikesplash liked him for more reasons than equal status. Riverdream liked plenty of things about Pikesplash. (Not this part of Pikesplash, though. Riverdream hated this part.)

Deep down, a thought rose from his hysteria that maybe Pikesplash was lying. Maybe this was still a game that they were playing, and Pikesplash was trying to win by playing the sympathy card.

"I don't see why." He gave a bitter laugh. "Who knows? This could've all been a game planted by you, to get me to like you just so something like this could happen." He didn't look at Pikesplash.

"What-" Pikesplash was shocked. "Starclan, Riverdream, are you kidding? I just said I'd choose anything over you! I'd choose my position over you!" The other cat was practically shouting at this point.

"Well I wouldn't!" Riverdream snarled back, paws crushing the bouquet beneath him. The smell of flowers usually calmed him down, but it just made him feel sick.

"My position is all I have." He hissed. "And I'll do anything to keep it." It felt strange to hear the truth out loud, in its true form. He was a bad cat. He was obsessed with power, but that's the only way he could succeed. He had no choice.

He didn't wait for Pikesplash's response. Riverdream stormed away from the clearing, face flushed with anger, flower petals crushed under his paws. He looked like a mess. He felt terrible.

He had done it, though. He had done the very thing to destroy his relationship forever.

Are you happy now, Swanstar?

—-

He didn't say anything to Honeystrike when he got back.

The golden she-cat attempted to pester about things as usual, but Riverdream didn't provide any answers. He didn't want to talk about it. He hoped that Swanstar didn't ask him to come to her den tonight. This is all her fault.

"Riverdream?" Honeystrike shot him a worried glance from where he was pressed into her side. "Was it really that terrible? You haven't moved since you got back."

"Well, it wasn't great." Riverdream said quietly, not meeting the gaze of his best friend. "It was pretty terrible. I wish I could go back and change it."

"Did he understand, at least?" Honeystrike's eyes were rounded with sympathy. "I can't imagine that was easy whatsoever, but… but maybe if he knew where you were coming from, you at least parted on decent terms."

Here came the hard part. He wasn't sure what to tell Honeystrike, because Riverdream had said quite a few things that he deeply regretted. (He wasn't sure if they were all lies, though, because this breakup proved that he would choose being deputy over Pikesplash.)

"Well, he wasn't happy about it." He mumbled, tracing shapes in the dirt with his paw. That was an understatement. Pikesplash had been nearly hysterical about the whole thing.

"Yeah, of course not." Honeystrike murmured. "But did he understand? Like, this was Swanstar's fault, not yours."

I tried to tell him that. Riverdream let out a long, defeated sigh, and buried his head in the moss of Honeystrike's nest. Pikesplash hadn't understood at all, which had been… strange. He of all cats should get where Riverdream was coming from.

"Kinda." He shrugged. "I tried to tell him that, but he was still… sad. Obviously. It's all so shitty." He didn't even want to think about the next Gathering, which was only two days away.

"It's not fair of Swanstar to do this to you." Honeystrike replied with a shake of her head. "Does she not understand that cats fall in love? That there's more to living than power?"

Riverdream was tempted to agree with her. Swanstar was obviously a smart and powerful leader, but that was all she was. Riverdream was pretty sure that she saw her clanmates as subjects instead. The way that she led the Clan was authoritarian, with her being the ultimate judge to any decision. Even Riverdream's opinion wouldn't hold much power against her.

For a moment, he wondered if Moonclan was the same way. Did Brackenstar rule with ultimate power, or was there some kind of equality? He wondered if Pikesplash was under the same pressure that Riverdream constantly was. If Brackenstar had found out about him and Riverdream, would it have been the end of Pikesplash's deputy career? Or would they have been more tolerant?

Pikesplash's position was much less precarious than Riverdream's, though. He had grown up in the eye of the leader, and had them as his own mentor. It was clear from what Riverdream had heard that Pikesplash had just naturally been favored.

Riverdream hadn't had such luxuries. His position was ready to slip away at one mistake. That's why I had to break up with him. When I said I had no choice, it was actually true.

"Pikesplash can get away with more." He said at last. "Did you know that he was Brackenstar's apprentice? They probably love him. I bet that he wouldn't get demoted for having a relationship."

"I think most deputies wouldn't get demoted for having a relationship." Honeystrike pointed out. "Cross-clan or not. Most leaders have mates themselves, so they would understand how to split the commitment." The golden she-cat frowned. "Swanstar's just too busy fighting things that aren't there."

"She wants me to be like her." Riverdream groaned. "Paranoid, angry, obsessed with power. And I'm trying not to be like that, but she keeps… forcing decisions. I've only been her deputy for half a season and it's fucking exhausting. No wonder Whiteblaze died at 40 moons."

"If you hate it so much, then why do you do it?" Honeystrike questioned, amber eyes narrow with confusion. "You don't need to be deputy. From the way you describe Pikesplash, he sounds like he would love you even if you were some useless warrior who didn't catch a single mouse."

"I have to be leader." Riverdream said firmly. Honeystrike didn't understand. She had never had a private meeting with Swanstar. She had never understood how Sunclan was going downhill because of Swanstar and this was the only way to fix it.

I'm doing what you said, Swanstar. I'm focusing on power. Is this what you wanted?

"I need to fix Swanstar's mistakes." He continued. "Before they lead to something that will ruin this entire Clan. She's been talking about war for moons. I need… I'm worried that if this drags on much longer, she'll act on those threats."

"R-Riverdream?" A trembling voice sounded from the entrance of the warrior's den. Both Honeystrike and Riverdream looked up, meeting the hazel eyes of Weaselfrost.

"Yeah?" He questioned, trying to wipe any stray tears from his eyes. He didn't want Weaselfrost to know about any of this.

"Swanstar wants to talk to you." Those words made Riverdream's stomach drop. He got to his paws almost immediately, trying to swallow back his nausea. What if he did all of that for nothing and Swanstar demoted him anyways?

"Okay." He whispered, pushing past Weaselfrost towards the leader's den. The other cat turned a bright shade of crimson, though Riverdream couldn't guess why. He's probably just nervous as well. Even though this has nothing to do with him.

He hesitated outside the entrance of Swanstar's den, taking a deep breath in an attempt to compose himself. Whatever happens, happens. You just have to accept it.

His words were lies, of course. Riverdream would never accept it.

"Swanstar?" He said quietly, entering the dark den. "You wanted to see me?"

"Riverdream." The white leader said, glancing up from where she was lounging in her next. "I came earlier to summon you for discussion about the next Gathering, but you were nowhere to be found." Her blue eyes narrowed. "Mind telling you where you were?"

"I was at the border." Riverdream didn't see the sense in hiding it any longer. "I-I had an engagement with a Moonclan warrior for the better part of two moons. Tonight, I broke it off."

"Did you now?" Swanstar tilted her head, seeming genuinely surprised. "I would presume this is the distraction I reprimanded you about last time, correct?"

"Yes." Riverdream croaked, feeling sick. Pikesplash wasn't just a distraction. "But it's gone now. My primary focus is on being deputy."

"Good." Swanstar nodded, before her expression softened. "I do understand why you might've run into some trouble. You're still quite young, aren't you? 20 moons or so?"

24 moons. Swanstar didn't even know how old her deputy was. It was a little detail, but it showed Riverdream how much she really didn't care. For just a moment, he felt a flash of hatred towards the she-cat in front of him. She had taken everything.

"24." He corrected politely, before continuing. "Now, what about next Gathering do you want to discuss?"

"I think we can do that tomorrow night." The white leader said thoughtfully. "Everything's better prepared the night before."

Riverdream bowed his head as a response before retreating towards the entrance of Swanstar's den. He wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, and go back to Honeystrike. Back to his nest, where he could just sleep and forget about this whole day for just a little while.

"Riverdream?" Swanstar's voice made him stop. He turned, slowly.

"Yes?"

"I'm proud of you." The admission caught him by surprise. He had never once heard Swanstar say it, nor had he expected to. These were the words that he had been wanting to hear forever. "It's hard to make a choice like that. You made the right one."

They didn't make him feel as happy as he should've, though. They didn't feel him with the pride he should've felt. You made the right one.

He doubted that more and more with every second that went by.

"Thank you." He whispered, summoning a smile.

—-

It was hard to act like everything was normal the next day.

For the most part, things were normal. He was out on patrol, Goldstreak was chattering in his ear like normal, and they were going to mark the Moonclan border. It was the last part that Riverdream was worried about, however.

He had purposefully left the sundown patrol for later just so they could miss whatever Moonclan patrol came to mark the border. The chances of Pikesplash being on it was low, sure, but it wasn't impossible. With my luck, I'll probably run into him anyway.

"Riverdream?" Goldstreak nudged him sharply, eyes narrow with annoyance. "Were you even listening?"

"Uhhhh…" Riverdream froze, guilt rippling across his features. "No. Sorry, there's just… a lot on my mind."

His former apprentice glanced at him curiously. "What kind of stuff? I know I'm no Honeystrike, but if you need to chat with someone, I'm the only other cat here! So otherwise it's talk to me or sit in weird silence again."

"It's nothing." He loved Goldstreak, but this wasn't something that he wanted to talk to her about. "Don't worry. I… It's personal business."

"Wow, am I not your closest, bestest friend?" Goldstreak teased, but she seemed overall unaffected by Riverdream's rejection. "Just kidding. It's fine. I'll keep talking, because unlike you, my life is going great."

Riverdream rolled his eyes, but said nothing in his defense. Honestly, his apprentice was probably living a better life than him right now. (Many cats were, though, so he wasn't sure how much of an accomplishment that was.)

His stomach sank as he saw the border up the familiar hill. He remembered the dread last time he had climbed this hill. Riverdream was technically grateful it was over, but he was still terrified of running into Pikesplash again. Plus, with Goldstreak present, anything he said would surely be spread to the rest of Sunclan.

"Do you think Moonclan will be there?" Goldsteak questioned, oblivious to Riverdream's dread. "I bet they've already gone through by now. From what I've seen, they're late with their dawn patrol but early with the sundown patrol. I think that they like sleeping a lot. Kinda funny for a Clan that's named after the nighttime, don't you think?"

"Haha… yeah." Riverdream mumbled distractedly, blue gaze trained on the border up ahead. "So weird."

"Okay, you weren't listening to a word I said." Goldstreak sighed heavily. "Whatever, it's fine. Do you want to mark the border or should I?"

"Go ahead." Riverdream replied, trying to ignore how the sight of this border was physically painful. He had spent two moons coming here almost every day, looking forwards to seeing Pikesplash. Now, he feared even a glimpse of the other cat. What am I going to do at the Gathering tomorrow?

"Just be quick about it." He continued, wanting to be out of here as soon as possible. "No point dawdling around their border."

"Fine, fine." Goldstreak rolled her eyes. "Don't get all worried. You're acting like this is my first patrol."

Riverdream opened his mouth to reply, but froze at the moment of bushes on the other side of the border. Shit.

It seemed like Moonclan had decided to be late today. Luckily, it seemed that the cat who was leading the patrol wasn't Pikesplash. Riverdream froze with shock, however, when he spotted familiar gray fur near the back of the group.

Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

"Good evening." Goldstreak was unfazed, dipping her head to the lead of the patrol. "We're just heading out. Thought that you guys would've come through by now."

"We got a bit of a late start." The lead of the patrol responded, yellow eyes narrow. Riverdream purposefully looked away from all of the Moonclan cats. (He could feel Pikesplash's eyes, though, burning into his fur. It was starting to hurt.)

"Ah, no worries!" Goldstreak grinned, stepping back. She dipped her head respectfully to the older warrior. "See you guys tomorrow! I think it'll be a nice night for a Gathering."

She was met with nothing but silence. Riverdream let out a small sigh, realizing he should probably give some sort of comment as well.

"Have a nice night." He said softly, blue gaze flitting to Pikesplash despite his best effort. The gray cat immediately looked away, expression twisted up into something between disgust and hurt. It made Riverdream feel sick.

If there was a time where he regretted his decision more, it was now. Who knows if he would even be here if he had chosen otherwise, though. Swanstar would've long since demoted him and promoted some better warrior in his place.

"Thank you." The lead of the patrol dipped his head towards Riverdream as a show of respect. "Same to you."

Riverdream didn't continue the conversation after that. He hurried away from the border, Goldstreak struggling to keep up with him.

"What was that all about?" The she-cat hissed at him. "I know that you're bad at social stuff, but that was… super bad!"

"Just wasn't in the talking mood." Riverdream snapped back. "We don't have to have a full conversation with Moonclan every time, do we?"

"Well, no." Goldstreak rolled her eyes. "But you were practically glaring at one of their warriors!"

She froze. "Wait, that was Pikesplash, right? Do you still have that dumb rivalry thing going on with him?"

Riverdream stiffened at the mention of Pikesplash. "No. We don't really talk anymore."

"Oh." Goldstreak frowned. "Shame that your crush didn't go anywhere."

It did go somewhere. Riverdream blinked back tears quickly. I just ruined it all.

"Yeah." he whispered. "Shame."

—-

Of course, to top the whole horrible situation off, Riverdream managed to get a thorn in his paw on the way back from patrol. He was usually able to pull the stupid things out, but this one had somehow vanished into his paw. (He could still feel it whenever he put pressure on his front leg, however.)

He limped towards the medicine den, cursing Moonclan and Pikesplash and the stupid thorn and everything else. Today was just a shitty day, and all he could think about was the Gathering tomorrow.

He'd have to sit near Pikesplash again. Maybe not as close as they used to, but he'd still have to see him again. Maybe even talk to him again.

He was sure Pikesplash was dreading this just as much as him, if not more. Maybe I can just pretend to be sick. Swanstar doesn't have anything important to announce, right?

Swanstar wouldn't buy that, though. If anything, it would make Riverdream be on thinner ice than he was already, and that's the last thing he wanted.

Weaselfrost was in the back of the medicine den, hunched over some poultice. Riverdream wrinkled his nose at the sharp smell of herbs. He had considered being a medicine cat, but judging that he hated most strong smells and his memory was awful, it wouldn't have been a good fit.

Plus, Weaselfrost had been almost born for the position. Riverdream remembered him skipping playtime or storytime almost every day to go sit in the medicine den instead. Swanstar had obviously chosen him as Berrycreek's apprentice when the time had come.

Come to think of it, Swanstar had chosen almost everything. Who the new medicine cat would be. Who the potential deputies would be. She had a clear idea of what Sunclan would look like after her time, and was determined to remove anything that disrupted that plan.

That's why I had to do what I did. I would've been removed otherwise. Demoted back to the shadows.

He cleared his throat quietly. "Uh… Weaselfrost?"

The brown cat whipped around, causing Riverdream to jump. It's like I gave him a heart attack or something. Starclan.

"R-Riverdream?" Weaselfrost stammered, staring at him with wide hazel eyes. "Can I… Can I help you with something?"

"I… yeah." Riverdream held out his paw for the medicine cat to see. "I got a thorn stuck in my paw. Problem is, I think it's pretty deep, so I don't think I can yank it out by myself." He gave the medicine cat a sheepish smile. "Can you help me?"

"Oh!" Weaselfrost hurried forwards, bending forwards to peer at Riverdream's paw. "Let me just see if I can find it… were you able to feel it anywhere?"

"I tried, but I don't know where it went." Riverdream explained, frowning at the crimson flush that was slowly spreading up Weaselfrost's ears. To be fair, however, it was rather hot in the medicine den. All the extra protection around the walls probably made things stuffy.

"It must've been a small thorn." Weaselfrost mumbled, poking one of Riverdream's pads. He yelped, feeling a sharp flash of pain as he withdrew his leg quickly out of instinct.

"Uh… sorry." He winced, holding it back out. "I think it's there. That hurt."

"No, I should be apologizing." Weaselfrost sighed. "I can never tell exactly where they are. Sorry. Here, I should be able to get it out now…"

Riverdream glanced back towards the entrance of the medicine den, hoping that Weaselfrost would be able to fish the thorn out soon. All he wanted to do was sleep for a long time and try to forget about tomorrow. And the Gathering after. And the Gathering after that.

"Weaselfrost?" Riverdream asked, unable to hold back his curiosity. "Swanstar didn't say anything about what she was planning to say tomorrow, right?"

The medicine cat looked up, confusion written all over his face. "No. Was there something I should know?"

"Nah, just curious." Riverdream shrugged dismissively. "Sometimes it's all a mystery with her."

Weaselfrost hummed in agreement. "I never know what she's going to say until it comes out of her mouth. I know that you guys plan out stuff, but she's never invited me. I think all Swanstar wants me to do is… take care of the Clan."

The brown medicine cat paused briefly. "That sounds bad. Of course I want to take care of my clanmates, I just… I sometimes wish I knew what was going on. Because then she does stuff that actually impacts me a lot and I just have no idea."

Sounds like Swanstar. It was interesting to hear the effects of Swanstar's leadership from someone else. He knew that she was dismissive towards most (She was dismissive towards everyone) but it didn't seem right to leave your senior medicine cat out of large decisions.

"She doesn't tell me much either, if it's any comfort." He whispered. "I only know what she wants me to know. Most of it's all still a mystery."

"I thought so." Weaselfrost replied, focused on his paw again. "I dunno. It just never seemed like she… respected you much. Obviously you're her deputy, but she always seems to belittle you in some way."

Riverdream paused, not realizing that someone other than him realized how little power a deputy actually had. Sure, he was going to be leader next. But when it came to actually running the Clan? He had nothing. All he did was organize patrols and follow orders.

His thoughts disappeared at the sharp pain in his paw as Weaselfrost finally yanked the thorn out. He gritted his teeth, watching a small bead of blood run down his paw. Thank Starclan that's over.

"Thank you." He dipped his head to the brown medicine cat. "I'm going to head off to sleep now."

"Sleep well." Weaselfrost responded, turning back to his herb stores. Simple and dismissive. That tended to be Weaselfrost's style in most social interactions.

Riverdream padded away, making sure not to put too much weight on his 'injured' paw.

He swore, though, he saw the medicine cat turn around to look at him once more as he left.

—-

To say the Gathering had been a disaster was a massive understatement.

Pikesplash had hardly had an impact on the whole thing, to be honest. Riverdream had been too focused on Brackenstar and Swanstar arguing over territory that neither Clan needed to look at the other deputy.

He knew that Swanstar didn't really want the land, but cats were itching for a fight. For some reason, peace just didn't sit right with some cats.

"Swanstar?" He paused outside his leader's den. "You summoned me?"

"Riverdream!" It was the happiest Riverdream had ever heard her, and that did nothing but set him more on edge. "Come in. Please, come in."

He didn't respond. He simply slipped in the small space, hesitating at the entrance.

"Now, I think we need to figure out what our strategy is here." Swanstar started almost immediately. "Moonclan will invade the territory right away at dawn. You know them, they like to get an early start."

"Right." Riverdream tried to keep his voice neutral. "How many warriors were you planning on taking?"

"Oh, most of Sunclan." The white leader waved a paw dismissively. Riverdream froze, shocked by the admission. How many warriors are we going to need? "The first battle is always a big one. We need to be prepared."

"We need to make sure there's not too many casualties on either side, though." Riverdream hopped in quickly, for the sake of the poor Sunclan warriors. "I know that it's a conflict, but I don't want it to be a bloodbath."

"Yes, yes, of course." Swanstar nodded, but he could tell she wasn't really listening to him. "Well… Moonclan will have casualties. With luck, they'll be specific casualties."

Riverdream's stomach dropped unpleasantly. "What warriors did you have in mind?"

"Oh, not warriors." Swanstar's grin broadened, and Riverdream felt like he was going to be sick. "Brackenstar needs to go. They've reigned for much too long, and if we want to get back at Moonclan early, they need to be weak. That new deputy will be so shaken that he won't be expecting another attack right away."

Riverdream wanted to object, to find a way to minimize the damage towards Moonclan, but that wasn't how things were done. That wasn't how battles, how wars were won. Something about imagining Pikesplash scared and alone, however, was almost unbearable.

"So you're planning to let the deputy live?" He whispered, the den spinning around him. "I was wondering if you were planning for the collapse of Moonclan altogether."

"No, no!" Swanstar laughed, patting him on the head condescendingly. Riverdream ducked away from the touch, pelt bristling with nerves. "Not that far. I still want them to exist. I just think that they need to be knocked down a few pegs. Realize they're not the best Clan around."

She's throwing our warriors into danger because of her pride? Riverdream felt a hot flash of anger. This is why he needed to be leader, why things needed to change. Swanstar was corrupt and her ineptitude was ruining Sunclan. It was down to him to change things.

"I just don't know if a battle is the right way to solve things." He whispered, gaze angled down at his paws. "I… I don't want to shed blood if we don't have to-"

"This is the only way, Riverdream." Swanstar snapped, all traces of glee gone from her voice. She turned to look at him, blue gaze burning with passion. "I know that you're thinking about your Clanmates, Riverdream, but think about the Clan. Think about our pride."

"How am I not supposed to think about my Clanmates?" Riverdream shook his head. "There wouldn't be a Sunclan without them. They're the ones risking their necks in this fight. I can't throw my friends into danger for some grudge."

"Well, it's a good thing you're not calling the shots yet." Swanstar said dismissively, her words striking him like a blow. She hadn't even listened to what he had to say. She had tossed his opinion away as if it was something meaningless, something laughable. It made him sick. It made him furious. How dare she?

For once, Swanstar took notice of his silence. Riverdream clenched his jaw, looking away as she padded over to him.

"You're too young to understand how these things work." The white leader said. "How the rise and fall of battle work. That's why you're deputy now and not ten moons from now. By the time you become leader, you'll be experienced in this. In everything it takes to lead Sunclan."

Riverdream opened his mouth to respond, but Swanstar cut over him. "I'm proud of you, though. You've worked hard to get where you are now."

Those words broke down whatever defense he had left, because it had been what he wanted to hear for moons. Ever since he had taken the mantle of deputy, it had been his greatest goal to make her proud. To hear it out loud.

"Thank you." He choked out, before falling silent. She's proud of me. I did it. I finally won her approval.

He had won her approval at the cost of everything else. She had used the words to buy his silence, and now, his clanmates were being sent off to battle in a war that they didn't need to fight.

He had gotten the last thing he wanted. Now, Swanstar needed to die. It was time for Sunclan's dictator to go.

She'd spend her last moments realizing that the deputy she was proud of had hated her all along.

—-

The border was eerily quiet.

The clearing was empty, with nothing but a small grassy clearing stretching between them and the Moonclan warriors surely hidden in the bushes. The sun wasn't even all the way up yet, just beginning to peek over the trees.

Riverdream wished he was in his nest, fast asleep.

Next to him, Weaselfrost shifted nervously, occasionally glancing back to where his herb stash was hidden under a clump of berry bushes. Riverdream understood why he was anxious. The medicine cats had the hardest jobs, darting into the thick of battle to retrieve injured warriors with nothing but basic training skills and luck on their side.

He hadn't told Swanstar, but Riverdream had assigned a few warriors to protect the brown cat. He was their only medicine cat, had no apprentice to replace him, and Riverdream was fond of him. He had gotten used to Weaselfrost's presence in the den, and had no wish to see him die.

Riverdream didn't want to see any of his clanmates die. He wanted this whole conflict to be over and Swanstar to miraculously come to her senses. He wanted to apologize to Pikesplash and stop trying to hate him again.

These were all wishes, of course. Silly things that would never come true because the world didn't work that way. Good things never happened to those who wished for it.

Swanstar was waiting patiently on his other side, blue eyes narrowed. What she was waiting for, Riverdream didn't know. It wasn't like Moonclan was going to make the first move, and Sunclan didn't have much of an advantage going out first. We'd lose whatever edge we have right now.

However, it quickly seemed like perhaps he had miscalculated Brackenstar's tactic. The first warriors became visible in the pine trees on the other side, and he tensed, ready for Swanstar to give the command.

Sunclan's leader didn't move. As Riverdream continued to watch, more and more warriors began to slink out of the bushes. He hadn't even seen them there before. I suppose that makes sense, though. While Sunclan was known for being light and quick, Moonclan's specialty was in subtlety and camouflage.

Swanstar gave the signal so fast that it took a few seconds for Riverdream to realize that the battle had actually started. The previously silent border was now punctuated by the sound of fighting cats, and Riverdream saw blood splash the dewy grass.

He didn't waste another second, slipping into the fight easily. Unfortunately, being deputy meant that he was noticed by more cats than he had originally wanted. Riverdream dodged the heavy blow of a lumbering, massive Moonclan cat who looked twice as old as him. This guy is practically an elder. What's he doing here?

He went in for the kill, hitting the warrior with all his force. Unfortunately, Riverdream didn't weigh very much, so the Moonclan warrior only stumbled backwards. That was all the distraction he needed, though. He took off and didn't look back.

Riverdream was praying he wouldn't run into Pikesplash. He was sure the Moonclan deputy was off somewhere else, leading his own invasion onto Sunclan land, but he was here. And if he found Riverdream, he'd probably try to kill him.

He took a deep breath, trying to recover his previous focus. He could fight Pikesplash. He could fight anyone. That was why he was deputy.

Swanstar had given him specific targets to look for during the battle. Some of Moonclan's more tactical minds, along with their strongest fighters. "We have to knock them down early." She had said. "Otherwise we might not stand a chance. They might do the same to us."

It seemed that Moonclan had a different strategy in mind, however. Plus, if Brackenstar had assigned any obvious targets to Pikesplash, they were all currently alive. He's probably not doing what I'm doing. He's twice my size, so I suppose he's a little more easily noticeable.

Riverdream's gaze locked on his first target, which was a dusty brown tabby named Breezeclaw who was also one of Moonclan's top warriors. He had a savage looking scar stretching down the side of his neck and his front paws were coated in blood. He also looked like he could take Riverdream out with one hit. Great. This is going to be just great.

He let out a long breath, beginning to creep through the battle towards Breezeclaw. Judging that the other tom was currently dueling two young Sunclan warriors, he doubted that he'd be heard. Actually killing him, however, would be a whole other issue.

Just as he reached Breezeclaw, the brown cat sent one of the warriors (Riverdream was almost certain his name was Oakstep) sprawling across the clearing. He winced, watching the ginger tabby lay on the ground, clearly stunned. He wasn't dead though, and that's what mattered.

Riverdream pounced, knocking the other cat over in one blow. He desperately tried to find Breezeclaw's throat, but his claws sliced the other cat's chin, opening a deep cut that splashed blood on dirty brown fur.

Breezeclaw roared, trying to roll on the ground to crush Riverdream beneath him. He jumped off nimbly, and struck Breezeclaw in the face as soon as the other cat got to his paws. He couldn't let him get his bearings. Otherwise he'll definitely be able to beat me.

While the other cat was on the ground, Riverdream leapt on him again, getting his throat this time. Flesh tore under his teeth, and the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth as he tore Breezeclaw's throat open.

He took a step back, spitting out blood as he watched to make sure the brown cat was actually dead. It would be quite an unfortunate mistake if he turned around only to get caught by surprise himself. After a few moments, though, Breezeclaw hadn't stirred and there was no sign of his pulse. Guess he's actually dead, then.

Riverdream turned, slipping through the battle with similar ease to before. Next target. Who's next, again?

A glimpse of white fur caught his eye, and he froze, turning to where Swanstar was struggling to duel three (maybe four?) Moonclan warriors at once. There was no way the Sunclan leader could win this. If she dies, this is it.

Swanstar was panting, swinging at the warriors with sloppy, uncoordinated blows. She was slowly getting backed up towards a copse of small, thorny bushes that would surely trap her.

Hypothetically, Riverdream could save her. He could take two warriors off her load, and she could surely take on two warriors. It was possible. Swanstar could live another day.

The question was whether Riverdream wanted her to live another day. Did he want his clanmates to continue suffering under her? Now that there was a war going on, she would surely get worse. More cats would die. More blood would be spilt. And the entire time, she would be okay. She would urge for more fighting, more blood. Anything for Sunclan to come out on top.

I can do better than her. The thought was firm in his mind. I can fix this. Swanstar's done nothing but ruin this Clan ever since she took over. How many deputies has she gone through again? Six or seven in fifty moons?

He was determined to be her last deputy. She was proud of him, now it was time for him to take over. Time to say goodbye, Swanstar.

He turned away, preparing to leave her, when the white leader caught sight of him. Her expression was wild and desperate, and Riverdream realized he had never seen such fear in her eyes.

"Riverdream!" She cried out, batting away one of the warriors, who snarled angrily at the blow. "Riverdream, help! You take the two on the left flank!"

She was barking orders at him as usual, but for once, Riverdream didn't move. He didn't rush to complete said orders. He just stood and stared at Swanstar, blue eyes cold.

"Riverdream, I said help me!" The white leader spat at him, shoving another two warriors away. The Moonclan warriors had nearly backed her up against the bushes. "Are you fucking deaf? Once this is over, you can kiss your position goodbye! In fact, I have a few candidates that-"

She cut off. "R-Riverdream?" Fear had seeped into Swanstar's voice. Riverdream didn't move, expression unchanging. Unflinching. You brought this on yourself.

"Once this is over, you'll be dead." Riverdream shrugged, watching one of the warriors dig their claws into Swanstar's shoulder. She growled and batted him away, white fur beginning to catch in the thorns.

"I-" Swanstar stared at him, finally realizing his betrayal. "What… What are you talking about?"

"I'm going to go help my clanmates." He said simply, giving her a cold smile. "Goodbye, Swanstar."

He turned away, and began to walk slowly, hearing her shocked exclamations turn to screams as the Moonclan warriors finished her off. If Riverdream had intervened, he could've saved her. Could've saved the leader who dragged Sunclan into this battle in the first place.

Thank Starclan Riverdream hadn't saved her.

However, he scarcely had time to bask in his victory. There was still another problem that he had to take care of, and that problem was Brackenstar. With the Moonclan leader alive, he had just put Sunclan at a severe disadvantage.

Not for long. If he had to struggle through being a new leader, so did Pikesplash. It might've been a bit petty, but he didn't want Sunclan to immediately lose the war. That wouldn't be a good way to start his new reign.

The hard part would be finding Brackenstar. Though battles usually ended up revolving around the leaders, the brown cat was nowhere to be seen. Maybe if I look for Pikesplash they'll be nearby?

He decided that that would be his best bet, and took off, weaving through the fighting cats. It was clear from just a few glances that Moonclan was beginning to turn the tide on the fight. Riverdream didn't intend for it to stay like that, however.

He found Pikesplash, oddly enough, dueling Honeystrike. He knew that his best friend knew who she was fighting, and part of him wondered if this had been her idiotic plan all along. She's going to get herself killed. For fuck's sake-

He nearly leapt in to save her, but Honeystrike seemed to be holding her own just fine. Sure, Pikesplash was a good fighter, but so was the golden she-cat. He had faith in her.

Riverdream ripped his gaze away, trying to dispel the image of Pikesplash's fur, gleaming in the rising sun, and the ferocity in his green eyes. Those eyes could be soft. Riverdream remembered the way Pikesplash had looked at him when he thought Riverdream couldn't see.

Any hint of that cat was gone. Right now, that was what their Clans needed. They needed deputies, or in Sunclan's case, a new leader. Whoever Pikesplash had been with Riverdream had been pushed away. He wasn't even sure if he was the same cat Pikesplash claimed to know.

He sighed, nearly turning before a flash of brown fur appeared in the corner of his eye. Riverdream whipped around, turning a narrow blue gaze onto Brackenstar, who wasn't far away. The brown leader was up against Goldstreak and two others, who were circling them almost like prey. Goldstreak was bleeding from a scratch on her shoulder, but seemed otherwise unharmed. Riverdream let out a relieved breath before heading towards them.

Moonclan's leader seemed oblivious to his presence as he approached. He hoped that Pikesplash wouldn't spot him either, hopefully too busy fighting Honeystrike.

Goldstreak noticed him, however, but didn't do anything but subtly shift over so Riverdream had a gap. Brackenstar looked up, meeting his gaze as soon as he pounced. The shock in their eyes was almost comical.

Moonclan's leader was much smaller than the rest of their clan, and the two of them went down easily. Riverdream's claws dug into Brackenstar's shoulders, and he lunged towards their throat. Time to end it.

However, the leader blocked his muzzle, hitting him with an uppercut that sent Riverdream's face skyward. His vision spun as he stumbled backwards, wincing at the blow. He had been too confident, and given too much time for Brackenstar to figure out what to do.

He didn't have much time to recover. Riverdream leapt to the side, and not a second later, Brackenstar slammed into the ground where he had previously stood. If Riverdream had been there, he would've been crushed.

The Moonclan leader whirled around to face him, teeth bared in a savage snarl. Riverdream had officially lost the advantage of surprise. They were on equal footing now. Let the best fighter win, I guess.

Riverdream had no intentions of fighting cleanly, of course. When Brackenstar leapt back at him, he dodged easily, ducking another blow and jumping away. Blood dripped into his eyes from the wound on his forehead, and Riverdream shook his head, trying to wipe it away.

Brackenstar whirled around with a hiss, trying to no avail to get Riverdream pinned down. He slipped out of the brown leader's grasp yet again, managing to strike them in the chest. Blood spurted under his claws, and Brackenstar hissed with pain.

Not wanting to miss his brief advantage, Riverdream easily swept the brown leader's paws out from underneath them, pushing them to the ground with all of his body weight. Brackenstar fought angrily against him, claws digging into Riverdream's legs, but he didn't relent, even when he could feel the wet feeling of blood clot his fur.

He struck Brackenstar in the face, watching the blood fly out of the leader's mouth as their head snapped to the side. Riverdream's paws went to Brackenstar's neck, planning to break the bone completely. He glared down at the Moonclan leader, finally seeing fear in their eyes as they lived their last moments.

Suddenly, there were teeth in his scruff, trying to pull Riverdream off of Brackenstar. Whoever it was was certainly stronger than him, but Riverdream held on tight, claws dug into the other leader's throat.

The cat tugged him off, but the sudden movement caused Brackenstar to come with them. Their neck made a strange snap as it finally broke, and Riverdream withdrew his claws at the sight of white bone peeking through a sea of crimson. He had done it.

His assailant also froze, and Riverdream used the brief distraction to slip away. He turned around, but paused when he saw familiar gray fur.

Pikesplash had gone silent, staring at the bloody corpse of his leader. He seemed to be on the verge of tears, and when he looked up at Riverdream, his expression was full of nothing but disgust.

"How could you?" He whispered, voice thick with betrayal. It seemed that Pikesplash finally thought he was a monster.

"Good luck to you, Pikestar." Riverdream dipped his head mockingly before padding away. No Moonclan cat moved to attack him. In fact, many of them backed away, not wanting to suffer the same unfortunate fate as Brackenstar.

He hadn't wanted to do that, not really. But Brackenstar had to die. If Swanstar died, so did Brackenstar.

For the first time in his life, Riverdream realized he was free. His leader was dead. There was no one left to give him orders.

Now it was his time.

—-

Sunclan thought he was a hero.

The story of Swanstar's tragic death had spread to his Clan, though by the third retelling, Riverdream had no role in it at all. He was grateful that none of his Clan had figured out that he had more to do with it than they all thought.

"Damn, guess everyone loves you now." Honeystrike commented from where she sat next to him, waiting for Weaselfrost to come around and treat them. Riverdream was mostly unscathed, but Honeystrike had suffered her own wounds against Pikesplash. He would be worried about her health, but judging that she was still walking (and talking), everything seemed to be alright.

"I guess so." He agreed quietly, wiping blood from a scratch on his cheek. "I killed the rival leader. That counts for something, right?"

"I don't know how you held on, to be honest." Honeystrike rested her head on his uninjured shoulder. "Pikesplash was trying to pull you off, and I thought he might be able to do it. Turns out he just helped you snap Brackenstar's neck."

"I didn't know it was him at first." Riverdream admittedly. "I'm glad I didn't, to be honest. If I had, Brackenstar might still be alive right now."

"Well, he stopped fighting me once he realized his leader was about to die." Honeystrike remarked. "Tried to distract him, or whatever, but I obviously wasn't successful." She shrugged. "Sorry. He didn't mess you up too bad, right?"

"Nah." Riverdream showed her the shallow bite mark Pikesplash's teeth had left in his fur. "He barely nicked me, to be honest. Thought he was a bit stronger of a fighter, but you seemed to be holding your own against him."

"Shut up." Honeystrike rolled her eyes, but there was fondness in her voice. "He wasn't too bad, though. He packs quite a hell of a punch, but he's not nearly as fast as you." She eyed him curiously. "You didn't run into him during the fight, did you?"

Riverdream shook his head. "No. I was hoping I wouldn't. It would've been… bad, to say the least." He knew he was a better fighter than Pikesplash. (He was a better fighter than most.)

"Yeah, I thought so." Honeystrike winced. "Wouldn't want to fight your ex. I think that would suck."

"As if you would know." Riverdream raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You don't have any exes."

"Yeah, I know." Honeystrike sighed. "We can't all have your tumultuous and endlessly heartbreaking love life."

"You should be glad you don't have my love life." Riverdream grumbled, realizing how unfortunately true the sentence was. His love life wasn't particularly exciting. If anything, most things ended before they even began. Other than Pikesplash. You did that yourself.

He paused, trying to focus on something else. Anything else. He didn't want to think about the gray cat right now. I better not bump into him at the Moonpool.

"Honeystrike?" He asked quietly. "I think there's something about Swanstar's death you should know."

He felt that his best friend deserved to know what really happened. She knew all his frustrations, how Swanstar had treated him for more than half a season. She'll understand. She understood everything else I've told her.

"What's up?" The golden she-cat responded, amber eyes narrow with curiosity. "Moonclan warriors killed her, right?"

"Yeah." Riverdream nodded slowly. "But the thing is-"

"Riverdream." Weaselfrost's quiet voice cut him off, and he froze, his story dying on his tongue. Guess it's time to be treated.

"We should go to the Moonpool now." The brown medicine cat explained, looking embarrassed. Riverdream guessed he was guilty about interrupting their conversation. "Starclan will heal you, so if you can walk with that shoulder… we should get going."

"Oh." Riverdream glanced over at his shoulder, clotted with dried blood, before standing up. "Yeah. It'll be fine."

He took a look around the- no, his Clan. "Is everyone alright? Just want to make sure you don't have anyone in critical condition or something."

"I think everyone's alright." Weaselfrost responded with a nod. "Where things might go south is tomorrow. I'm worried that a few warriors might have infections, but anything like that is bound to show up tomorrow."

"Don't worry, I can handle it." The medicine cat added before Riverdream could respond. "Just focus on your new duties."

"Just let me know if you need any help." Riverdream said politely, knowing how acclimated Weaselfrost was to Swanstar's dismissal of his services. "There's a lot of cats. I don't want you to be doing this all alone."

"Of course." Weaselfrost dipped his head before getting to his paws. "Do you want any herbs before we go? It's a long walk."

"I'll be fine, thanks." Riverdream smiled politely, following the brown cat towards the camp entrance.

"Good luck!" Honeystrike called after him, grinning brightly. Riverdream gave a shaky smile back, trying to settle the ball of nerves in his stomach.

He deserved this position. Starclan would give him his mark, and his name, and a new life gifted to him by the previous leader. Swanstar's going to be so furious.

He suppressed a gleeful grin at the thought of being leader, following Weaselfrost out of camp.

—-

There was something strangely beautiful about Starclan.

Of course, it was Riverdream's first time visiting the afterlife, and he wouldn't be back again until his passing, which he hoped was when he was very old. He understood why some cats were happy to die, though.

Weaselfrost stood behind him, keeping a comfortable distance between Riverdream and whatever scary Starclan cats were standing in front of him. He admitted that he hadn't had time to brush up on his Clan history before coming to the Moonpool. He dipped his head to the starry figure in front of him, hoping that would be enough.

Unfortunately, Starclan didn't give new Clan leaders nine lives. That tradition was something Riverdream had heard about, something that had been discontinued long ago. He wasn't sure why they had been revoked, but it seemed that Starclan had no plans on giving the privilege back.

Honestly, he hadn't ever asked Swanstar what the one life she had been given was for. Each of the new lives were always… special, with some sort of meaning. Swanstar's going to give me something horrible. I suppose I deserve it, though. If not for me, she wouldn't be here at all.

"Riverdream." He froze at the deep voice of the cat in front of him. "You've come to receive your life as a leader, is that right?"

"Yes." Riverdream nodded shyly. "I'm afraid my leader passed away in a recent battle. I've come to take her place as Sunclan's leader."

"We saw that battle." The Starclan cat remarked matter-of-factly. For a moment, Riverdream was afraid that he'd be declined the life. Maybe what I did to Swanstar wasn't allowed. Maybe they'll reject me.

However, he was pretty certain that Starclan didn't care about the triviality of trust. They had given lives to murderers, to those who had slit their own leader's throats in the dead of night. They had given lives to evil conquerors who had ravaged the Clans with their greed. They would give a life to him.

"I see." He said quietly, not allowing his calm composure to waver. He would not show how scared he was. He refused to show weakness.

The Starclan cat regarded him for a moment longer before letting out a small exhale, seemingly satisfied.

The cat moved away, and Riverdream's eyes widened slightly at the sight of Swanstar. The white cat, even in death, still looked furious at him.

"Riverdream." Her voice was clipped and came out as more of a hiss. Riverdream, in response, smiled at his leader.

"Swanstar." He greeted, his tone even. "It's just devastating to see you here. Sunclan will miss you."

"I'm sure they will." Swanstar sniffed, before her blue eyes began to glow. "Now. The life. I don't want to see you for any longer than I have to."

Riverdream wrinkled his nose at the comment, his disdain fading quickly as he prepared for whatever life Swanstar would give him. Something horrible. Some kind of sick payback for earlier.

"Riverdream, I give you a life for selflessness." The white cat spoke clearly, her voice ringing through the small clearing they were in. "Use it well to protect Sunclan and the cats you hold dear."

There was a message behind the life, clear for all to see. You're selfish. You always have been.

Swanstar had taught him to be selfish, though. Riverdream hadn't learned anything else. She was the one that had made him lose Pikesplash. She had dragged the Clan into a war. She had done all of it, and yet she still had the guts to stand here and accuse him of all of this.

Riverdream didn't flinch, though. He received the life as graciously as he would've received any blessing. He would not let Swanstar see his fury.

And he would lead his Clan. Better than she had.

Better than any leader ever would.

—-

He had been leader for two moons.

Riverstar had known that it wasn't going to be an easy job, of course, but Swanstar had done a lot more damage than he initially thought. With trying to repair that, along with the war with Moonclan being an ever-present danger, he hadn't been sleeping too much lately.

The Gathering tonight hadn't been any better. Pikestar refused to give any effort on his part, which was making it quite difficult for Riverstar to make progress towards a truce. He didn't want to fight Pikestar, and Moonclan about this stupid piece of land anymore.

However, he knew he couldn't just give up the land either. The older warriors would riot against him, and that land was vital hunting grounds during leafbare, which they needed right now. Moonclan needed it too. That's why Pikestar wouldn't budge.

The whole situation was quite frustrating, but Riverstar didn't have many solutions to change it. Unfortunately, they were just… stuck.

"Riverstar?" Honeystrike poked her head in his den, where he was currently tearing up the moss of his nest. "Got a moment?"

"Yeah." He glanced up, trying to smooth down his ruffled fur. "What's up?"

"We need to strategize." The golden deputy started immediately. "This last Gathering was just like the other two. You and Pikestar have reached an impasse, and if neither of you move, the warriors will. It'll be a disaster."

"I know." Riverstar said quietly, because he did know. He had heard the whispers among the younger warriors, seeds of rebellion and anger growing every day. If he didn't do something, they would. And it would send many of them to their deaths.

"I- I think I need to talk to Pikestar." He blurted out.

"You've been talking to Pikestar for moons." Honeystrike sighed heavily. "It hasn't worked. We need something-"

"Alone." Riverstar cut in. "Alone. Just me and him. I know I could do it. I could get something to change in our favor."

"I know you could too." Honeystrike agreed sullenly. "I just… it's dangerous, Riverstar. I don't trust him. He's not that cat you loved all those moons ago. Now that he's leader… things are bound to be different."

"I know that." Riverstar nodded. "I'm nothing like who he knew as well. It's… it's different. But there's still a cat there that I knew."

"It's not like he'll open up to you again." Honeystrike raised an eyebrow. "You broke up with him for power, murdered his Clan, and are currently fighting him in a war. Not his best friend at the moment."

"I'm not expecting him to open up to me again." Riverstar sighed. "Honestly, I'd be shocked if something like that happened. But just… Could you ask his deputy? See if she could get Pikestar to agree to it?"

"I'll try to catch her on patrol tomorrow morning." Honeystrike replied. Riverstar was grateful that she at least tried to use his strategies. To be honest, he had no idea if his whole strategy with Pikestar would work.

Sometimes, he still caught small glimpses of the Pikestar (Pikesplash) he knew, with bright green eyes and an infectious smile and a nervous, quiet personality. Riverstar missed that Pikestar sometimes, almost desperately.

He missed who he had gotten to be with Pikestar. He missed feeling free like that.

But Pikestar hated him, and they were both leaders, just like they had been destined to be. Starclan's plan had worked out, as it always did. There was never a way to stray from the path of fate.

"Thank you." He whispered, leaning forwards to give Honeystrike a quick hug. "I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes."

"I don't know what you'd do without me either." Honeystrike said quietly, returning the gesture. "Just… Please don't get all overwhelmed and stop talking to me. The Clan needs you right now."

"I know." Riverstar gave what he hoped was a solemn nod. "I'm… I'm okay, don't worry. It's just a lot, being leader."

"I can believe it." Honeystrike winced. "But you expected that, right? Swanstar warned you about it?"

She never warned me about anything. "Yeah." Riverstar shrugged. "Of course. I knew it was coming."

"It's just taking some getting used to." He explained with a shaky smile. "And of course, the war isn't helping."

"The war isn't helping anyone." Honeystrike frowned. "Hopefully it'll come to an end soon."

"Hopefully." Riverstar agreed softly, watching the golden she-cat depart from his den. He hoped, prayed that Pikestar would agree to the meeting. This could be his one chance.

His one chance to apologize, and his one chance to win.

—-

Honeystrike came back the next morning, grinning triumphantly. Elmstream had agreed, though there had been a hint of suspicion in her voice when she spoke.

"Tomorrow evening." Honeystrike had said. "Better get your speech together."

Riverstar didn't know what he was going to say yet. He didn't think he would know until he actually got there and was face-to-face with Pikestar.

He sighed, and picked another flower for his bouquet.

—-

Riverstar would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous.

He had tried to act confident towards Honeystrike, and lie and say he had it all figured out. That he knew what he was going to say, and that it would work.

This wasn't the only chance he had, of course. It's not like things could get much worse if it failed. But the chances of Pikestar ever trusting him again would be much, much lower. They were already pretty low, to be honest. But he was willing to listen. That was all that mattered.

The familiar array of flowers made him feel sick. Riverstar's bouquet was almost exactly the one that he had brought when he had broken up with Pikestar four (maybe even five?) moons ago. It had been harder to find the flowers with leafbare on the way, but he had done it.

Of course, they were meeting at the border. The stupid border, which they had been fighting over for moons now. The border that Riverstar had spent all of greenleaf going to. Starclan, he should've killed Swanstar earlier.

He wondered if it would've worked out any better if he had been leader, though. Would he and Pikestar's responsibilities weighed out whatever love they had? Pikestar had never been his. Not really.

Though Riverstar didn't mingle with Moonclan warriors anymore, he had heard the rumors. Pikestar having a new partner. Him finally moving on from the mysterious Sunclan tom who broke his heart.

Riverstar remembered thinking that he had Pikestar. That they would be okay, no matter what happened. But it had been Riverstar who ruined everything. Who brought the flowers and chose power over love.

He still believed, looking back, that he hadn't had a choice. Pikestar certainly believed differently, but he'd never understand. Being Swanstar's deputy had been suffocating, and he had been basking in his new freedom for two moons. He would've never had any of this if he hadn't done what he did.

Riverstar was hoping that he'd be there first. That Pikestar would be running late, and he'd have time to compose himself before seeing the other cat.

His prayers weren't answered, though. He froze once he reached the top of the hill, seeing familiar gray fur shadowed by a pine tree.

The sky was cloudy, quite fitting to Riverstar's mood. The dark atmosphere only made Pikestar's eyes glow brighter, deep forest green against the monochromatic sky.

The other leader let out a choked sound upon viewing the flowers Riverstar had brought. He knew that the bouquet probably brought Pikestar back to memories he'd rather not relive. When Riverstar had brought an apology bouquet last time, the sun had been setting. The whole clearing had been bathed in pink.

This time, everything was gray. And Riverstar wasn't coming to apologize.

"I thought I might as well honor tradition." He said quietly, padding forwards to put the pink flowers at Pikestar's paws. "After all, it seems that every time I come to talk to you, I bring one of these."

"You didn't have to." Pikestar's voice was clipped and cold. "I'll just throw them away."

"I know." Riverstar said softly. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

Pikestar stared at him for a long moment, jaw clenched with anger. It seemed like the gray cat was struggling to interpret Riverstar's motives.

"You're the one who called this stupid meeting." The Moonclan leader said at last. "Spit it out. What do you want to say?"

"Well, I came to talk about the war." Riverstar admitted. "And how we should probably come to an agreement on something."

Pikestar opened his mouth to respond (probably some quippy retort) but Riverstar cut over him. "But that's not what I want to talk about. I… I need to apologize to you, Pikestar. That's why I brought the flowers."

"Apologize?" Pikestar's eyebrows knit together with confusion. "For what?"

"For…" Riverstar took a deep breath. "For everything. For the way I broke up with you. For how I pretended you didn't exist and that everything was fine afterwards. I did everything wrong, and you didn't deserve it. I'm really sorry, Pikestar. More sorry than you'll ever know. I… I just couldn't go without telling you that."

He kept his head bowed, eyes round with shame. He hadn't planned out anything. All of this was mostly improvisation and a chance to actually discuss what had happened. If he could get Pikestar's walls to budge, then he might actually be able to change things.

Pikestar was silent for a long moment, evidently processing all the information Riverstar had dumped on him. Finally, he whispered: "You are?"

The vulnerability in the other cat's voice made Riverstar feel nauseous with guilt. No. Yes. I don't know.

"I wanted to change it as soon as I left." He whispered, letting a tear slip down his face. "But I was so scared about what Swanstar would do, and I didn't want her to find out that it was you… I'm sorry. I was a coward. I thought by choosing my position over you, I was protecting you. I was wrong."

"I never thought you were sorry." Pikestar said quietly. "You never acted like you were sorry." His voice grew hard. "Not until now. What, is this some kind of delayed guilt? You finally realize how badly you messed up?"

Riverstar felt a hot rush of indignation. Pikestar didn't understand how hard this was. He didn't understand any of this. "I've felt sorry for ages, Pikestar. You think I just forgot about you?"

"That's what it felt like!" The gray cat was obviously trying to keep his composure, but his voice was beginning to wobble. "You acted more like a model deputy than usual. It was- I barely even saw the cat I knew! It… It was like you were someone else. Some other persona you would put on to kill and lead and smile and be the Sunclan deputy everyone knew and loved. And now you've done it with being leader, too! All you do is lie."

"I-" Riverstar started, but Pikestar didn't let him speak.

"When do you tell cats the truth? When it benefits you? When you know something good will come of it? You used to claim that you were different from Swanstar, but since becoming leader you've been exactly like her. Me and you are just repeats, Riverstar." The gray leader gave a bitter laugh. "We bicker over the most useless shit instead of talking about the war that our predecessors started. And here you are, telling me how sorry you are for something both of us should've forgotten."

"I'll never forget it." Riverstar choked out, surprised at the truth in the words. "I don't think I could, even if I wanted to."

"Then stop pretending that it's over!" Pikestar roared back. "Nothing is over! Nothing is tied up! You broke up with me in the worst way possible and tried to brush over it like nothing even happened! That's not-" The gray cat sniffled, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. "That's not fair. I loved you, Riverstar, and you trampled over my heart for power."

"I-" Riverstar couldn't meet Pikestar's gaze, because he was right. Of course he was right. "You're right. I'm sorry. But… But I've spent moons still in love with you, and I regret my decision every day."

"Every day." He repeated. "Every Gathering that I have to look you in your stupid eyes. Every time I think about this stupid clearing. All I think about is what it would've been like if I had made the right choice. We… this never would've happened. We could've been happy. Could… Could we try that one more time?"

Pikestar took a step back, green eyes going wide with surprise. Riverstar didn't even know what he was saying at this point.

"I love you." He said, stressing each word. "I've loved you since that night you decorated this whole clearing up in flowers for me. And I know that our Clans are fighting and more blood is spilled every day, but… I don't want to fight you. And I'm so tired of missing you, Pikestar."

He didn't think he'd be able to convince the gray leader of anything, now. Not when he had just emptied his heart out for the cat who hated him more than anyone else. He expected Pikestar to provide a rebuttal, or even laugh. Find Riverstar's stupid, half-assed apology ridiculous.

What he didn't expect is for Pikestar to kiss him. It was a tentative kiss, and for a moment, he thought the other cat would pull away. He didn't deserve Pikestar's forgiveness.

His own feelings outweighed whatever logic was left, however, and he leaned in, almost desperately. Riverstar had missed this, the almost daring feeling of doing something absolutely no one would approve of. It would look bad for both of them if they were caught making out at the border, of course.

One thing led to another, however, with neither of them. Suddenly, Pikestar stopped, pulling away, practically panting for breath. Riverstar glanced up at him from where he lay beneath Pikestar, blue eyes wide.

He had a feeling he knew where this was going to go. From the look in Pikestar's eyes, and the way everything felt hot, and almost overwhelming. Honeystrike is going to kill me.

"Why did you kill Brackenstar?"

Riverstar blinked, taking a moment to process Pikestar's question. What the hell? Why now?

"W-What?" He spluttered, fumbling for an answer. "They… Swanstar ordered me too. Along with Breezeclaw. Why-"

"I was trying to pull you off." Pikestar's gaze was quickly turning cold. "You knew it was me. I saw you look at me. But you killed them anyway."

Oh shit. Riverstar paused nervously, a lie emerging easily. "They were the last orders Swanstar ever gave me. When… When she was dead, I realized… I had to follow them. I had no choice. It was the last thing she would ever make me do."

"You probably didn't want to fight a war against Brackenstar either." Pikestar stared down at him, green eyes narrowed. "Right?"

"I…" Riverstar swallowed thickly. "Yeah."

"Y'know, Riverstar…" Pikestar winced. "I… I really wish you weren't leader. I wish it was like before."

"Me too." Riverstar whispered. "I wish that you had never gotten your stupid life."

"Guess we can agree on one thing." Pikestar smiled sadly, and leaned in to kiss him again.

Riverstar kissed him back, and let his eyes slide shut. Distantly, he smelled the faint aroma of flowers.

This isn't how the night was supposed to go.

—-

He left early the next morning.

The sun was barely up, shining brightly through the pine trees. Riverstar glanced away from it, not wanting to get blinded.

Pikestar looked so peaceful when he was sleeping, with his mouth half-open and a soft look on his face that Riverstar hadn't seen in so long. It made his heart hurt.

He leaned forwards, pressing a gentle kiss to Pikestar's cheek. This would just make everything worse. He had come here to change things, but had gone back in the past instead, and slept with the very cat he had tried so hard to hate.

"I love you." He whispered into empty air. Riverstar would love Pikestar forever, even if he tried otherwise. The gray cat had claimed part of his heart when Riverstar had first seen him at the Gathering all those moons ago.

Riverstar turned away, blinking tears from his eyes as he left the clearing behind. He prayed that the flowers would hide any last traces of his scent, and that Pikestar would leave before the dawn patrol came in.

Luckily, he could tell rain was on the way. Despite the sunshine, the air was thick with moisture, and there were already gray clouds beginning to obscure the sky. Whatever's left of our scents will be gone soon.

Riverstar froze up at the sound of pawsteps heading towards him, wondering what lie he'd be able to conjure. Honestly, he wasn't even sure what excuse Honeystrike had provided to cover his absence. In hindsight, he probably should have known that.

He quickly relaxed when Honeystrike swung around the corner. Though he wasn't sure why his deputy was up so early, it was relieving that it was her rather than… anyone else. Riverstar gave a sheepish smile, swallowing back a wince at the fury in her expression.

"Where were you?" Honeystrike hissed. "I had to cover for you to the entire Clan! Not that any of the older warriors were fooled. I'm sure they know that you went off to-"

"Things didn't go the way I expected." Riverstar explained quietly. "At all."

"What do you mean by that?" Honeystrike raised an eyebrow. "Oh Starclan, Riverstar. What did you do?"

"I…" Riverstar swallowed nervously, deciding he might as well just get it all out. "I accidentally confessed to Pikestar that I've still been in love with him for moons and then we slept together."

Honeystrike didn't say a word for a few excruciating moments. If anything, the golden she-cat seemed to be lost for words. Finally, she choked out: "Are you serious?"

"Yes." Riverstar whispered. "I wish I wasn't."

"Oh, shit." Honeystrike shook her head. "Riverstar, that's… that's bad. For both of you. You know how bad that is, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Riverstar winced. "If it gets out, we're both screwed. This isn't something leaders are supposed to do-"

"What about your plan?" Honeystrike cut in. "What about this whole thing that you told me you had completely under control? I thought you knew what you were doing from the beginning! I thought that y'know, the whole making friends with him in the first place was some sort of insane long game you knew the ending to!"

"That's what I thought too!" Riverstar snapped back, before taking a long, deep breath, trying to compose himself. He knew what he had done had been a mistake, but there was no way to change it now. I should've known better, meeting up with him at midnight.

"I became friends with him not because I wanted to, but because I had something else planned." He said slowly. "And it worked, but I lost sight of what I was doing after we broke up. I did love him. I still do. But… But I didn't become leader first. Neither of us won." He turned away, clenching his jaw. "Whatever I do, I can't seem to beat him."

"Maybe you have beat him." Honeystrike said thoughtfully. "You killed Brackenstar. You did what you had to do. He would've been nothing more than a stranger if you hadn't talked to him. You would've had no idea what his weaknesses were, the way he works, the way he leads. How much of that does he know about you?"

More than you think. "I don't know." Riverstar admitted. "He knows some stuff. He's probably deduced some of it by himself. I'm sure that me directly leaving him to be deputy uncovered some clues."

"I suppose so." The golden she-cat frowned. "Still. I don't know if he's ready to be leader. He wasn't expecting Brackenstar to die. Not like you were with Swanstar." She shot him a puzzled look. "You did expect Swanstar to die, right?"

"I did." He nodded. "And I don't think he is either. I mean, I…" He bit his lip. "I killed Brackenstar. I'm the one who put him in this position." He paused. "Pikestar asked about that yesterday, actually."

"Oh?" Honeystrike quirked a curious eyebrow. "What did you say?"

"That it was Swanstar's final order and I had to fulfill it." Riverstar snorted derisively. "Two lies. It wasn't Swanstar's final order. Second, I let her die. I didn't have to do anything. I could've taken Sunclan and left Brackenstar alive, but that would've given Moonclan the advantage immediately. They would've had the more experienced leader. Now that they're dead too, we're on an equal playing field."

"That's the issue, though." Honeystrike sighed. "We keep running into this problem. Sure, we're equal, but that means neither of us are going to win. Sunclan has to do something if we want this war to go anywhere. I don't know what yet, but… if your whole thing with Pikestar fell through, then we're going to have to come up with something else."

"Sorry." Riverstar didn't meet her eyes. "I got distracted by my emotions. For some reason, this continues to be a common mistake of mine."

"Maybe you should stop having sexual tension with Pikestar." Honeystrike grumbled. "I know that you've been in love with him for ages, Riverstar. I see it every time we're at a Gathering. But… you have to set your feelings aside. I know I probably sound like Swanstar right now, but this is your priority. This Clan is your priority. Not Pikestar, or the cat he used to be."

"I know." Riverstar nodded, his voice barely a whisper. "I know. I'm sorry. I just… When I saw him again, I forgot about everything else. Everything that this meeting was supposed to accomplish." He lifted his chin.

"It won't happen again. It can't happen again." He said firmly. "At least now, we'll probably be on decent terms. If this doesn't do it for him, I don't know what will." He paused. "Don't worry, Honeystrike. I'm planning to win."

"I know." Honeystrike responded. "You've always been planning to win, Riverstar."

—-

However, it was clear by the end of the next Gathering that something had gone awry.

Riverstar couldn't even begin to guess what. He had thought everything had been fine. He thought that he and Pikestar were at least on better terms, but the gray cat had looked at him with nothing but disgust and hatred the entire time. He had barely been able to get his words out.

He stepped down from his rock, trying to ignore the judgemental gazes of Moonclan cats burning into his pelt.

Honeystrike was nowhere to be found (probably off gossiping with her friends), and Riverstar resigned himself to combing through the crowd of cats to find her. He hoped he didn't run into Pikestar, or his deputy. (He couldn't remember her name.)

Luckily, he didn't have to search for long. The golden she-cat was over near a clump of oak trees, talking with a few younger warriors Riverstar didn't recognize. That was hardly surprising, though. It had been a long time since he had interacted with Moonclan outside of Pikestar.

"Honeystrike." He called, trying not to seem too worried as he padded over to her. "I have to talk to you about something."

His friend glanced up, worry immediately flitting across her expression. Riverdream prayed that none of the Moonclan would take any notice of it.

"What's up?" The golden she-cat tilted her head. "Can it wait for back at camp?"

"No, sorry." He gave the cats she was talking to an apologetic glance. "You don't mind if I steal my deputy for a second, right?"

"Feel free." One of the cats dipped their head. "I hope everything is going well." There was a hint of a smirk on their face as they spoke. Riverstar's smile turned cold.

"Everything is quite well, thank you." He didn't let himself falter. "I hope all is well with Moonclan as well."

"Alright, let's go." Honeystrike winced, shoving Riverstar away from the group of cats. "I want to head home soon. Otherwise we'll all be exhausted tomorrow."

Riverstar followed behind the golden she-cat, glancing around nervously. It was proving harder to hide his anxiety than he had originally thought. What went wrong? It's like Pikestar hates me again. I guess sleeping with him and then leaving wasn't a great idea, but I didn't know the consequences would be so large.

"Spit it out." Honeystrike turned to him as soon as they found a quiet spot. "What's wrong? You look like you're about to faint."

"Pikestar hates me again." He blurted out. "I mean, I knew that we weren't going to be best friends again, but like… this is proper full-on disgust. And I just… I don't get it. I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong and it's driving me insane."

"Well, sleeping with him and then leaving couldn't have helped." Honeystrike replied, raising an eyebrow.

"What was I supposed to do, walk him back to camp?" Riverstar argued. "And if I had stayed for much longer, you would've killed me. He would've hated me whether I had been there or not. I… That can't be it."

"Maybe it's your whole confession in the first place." Honeystrike countered. "Maybe he wasn't expecting it."

"Maybe it's because you lied."

Riverstar whipped around, staring wide-eyed into the furious green gaze of Pikestar. Next to him stood a wiry brown she-cat, with narrow eyes and a sharp frown. Riverstar guessed she was the deputy.

"What?" He asked, feigning confusion. What the hell is he talking about?

The gray leader gave a bitter laugh. "Oh, come on, Riverstar. Stop acting like you don't know what I'm talking about."

"I don't." Riverstar said slowly, but there was a horrible feeling developing in his stomach. If Pikestar had somehow found out about everything, back to that very first Gathering, everything would come unraveled. He had been planning this for moons.

"Yes you do." Tears were building in Pikestar's eyes, and he quickly blinked them away. "Stop it. You… You never cared, did you? Was this all some joke to you?"

"What?" Riverstar could do nothing but stare. Next to him, Honeystrike was eerily silent. "Pikestar, stop talking in riddles and tell me. What, exactly, did I do to you?"

"The only reason you talked to me in the first place is so you could win one day, wasn't it?" Pikestar snapped back, and Riverstar flinched at hearing those words out loud. In his head, it wasn't so bad, but now the ugly truth was laid bare for everyone to see. How Pikestar had found out about it, he still had no idea.

"Win at what?" He didn't know what to say. "I'm leader now, Pikestar. There's not much more I can achieve."

"You never loved me." The gray cat didn't even seem to be listening to him. "I thought you cared, but you never did! You didn't give two shits for moons!"

Riverstar opened his mouth, trying to defend himself in some way, but Pikestar cut over him.

"No wonder you broke up with me. All you care about is power." He spat. "Since the beginning. It's always about who's the better deputy, who's the better leader. Who can kill more and who can lead better. Who can win the war? Is that why you slept with me, huh? So you could win?"

Riverstar shut his eyes, tears beginning to cloud his vision. "It's not-"

"You have no idea what it was like!" He retorted angrily, shoving Pikestar away from him angrily. The gray cat stumbled back a few paces, green eyes going wide, but he didn't care.

"Brackenstar went easy on you." He hissed. "You said it yourself that they wouldn't have cared if they had found out about us. Swanstar, she would've-" He cut off, trying to expel the tremor from his voice. "She would've demoted me. She would've targeted you. I had no choice. I- I didn't know what else to do-"

"You could've left me alone." Pikestar interjected coldly, before pausing. "Starclan, I wish you would've left me alone."

Riverstar had no defense left to offer. Whatever secrets he had left had been exposed. Pikestar got to see the whole truth, and what he had to say about it was his choice. Riverstar deserved it, in a way.

"I wish I never knew you." The gray leader continued. "I wish I had never kissed you, or slept with you, or believed for one second that you loved me. Not when I spent moons loving you just to find out the happiest part of my life was a lie."

RIverstar didn't look up. His guilt threatened to overwhelm him in some kind of awful tidal wave, and he knew his face was flushed with shame. It had been so easy to lie to Pikestar when he believed the truth would never come out. Now that it had, he had no idea what to say.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you." Pikestar said after a long moment. "You, at the very least, owe me that."

"How did you find out?" Riverstar choked out, ignoring the previous comment. "Who told you?"

"I did." The voice of Pikestar's deputy caused Riverstar's head to snap up. She stood tall, glaring at him with baleful eyes. "I heard your little conversation in the woods with her-" She jutted her tail towards Honeystrike. "After you left the border."

Her lip curled with disgust. "Knew something was wrong with you, Riverstar. I tried to tell that to Pikestar, but he wouldn't listen. Guess your manipulations worked pretty well."

"Guess they did." Riverstar whispered faintly, his despair fading away. If Pikestar already knew, what use was there in pretending any longer? Whatever feelings Riverstar still had would just continue to exist. He wouldn't be able to make them go away.

"Come on, Pikestar." The brown deputy's voice immediately softened when she turned towards her leader. "Let's go. Moonclan is expecting us."

Pikestar didn't say anything more to Riverstar. He simply turned his back, and walked off with his deputy. Riverstar watched him go, almost numbly.

Distantly, he heard Honeystrike talking to him. She was asking some sort of question, probably about what they should do. What they were going to tell Sunclan. If they needed to tell Sunclan anything at all.

He didn't listen, nor did he answer.

It was at that moment that Riverstar realized that Pikestar had to die.

—-

He didn't admit this idea to Honeystrike at first, of course. It wasn't until they were in Riverstar's den, hunched over rough dirt sketches that were meant to be an outline of a plan, that he brought it up.

"What do you think we should do about Pikestar?" He whispered, staring down at the shabby map of Moonclan territory Honeystrike had drawn in the dirt. "I mean, there's no way to win this war with him in it."

"Well, I…" The golden deputy hesitated. "I think he needs to die." She glanced at him, obviously unsure. Riverstar guessed that she thought he would disagree.

Instead, he nodded, a thoughtful frown making its way onto his face. "I agree. I don't know how else to do it. Take out that deputy as well-" He cut off. "What's her name again?"

"Elmstream." Honeystrike, as usual, seemed to have Moonclan memorized down to the elders. "She was the brown cat Pikestar was with yesterday. She heard our conversation from the other day."

"Guess we should've talked closer to camp." Riverstar gave a rueful smile, his voice fading away. "Does… Is it weird that I feel oddly relieved that he knows the truth?"

"Kinda." Honeystrike shrugged. "I mean, personally, I would feel terrible if all of my horrible secrets were told to the cat I loved most."

"I don't know if I love him anymore." Riverstar whispered softly. "I know I did, at one point. When I slept with him, I thought I still did. I think… I don't know if that was true, though. What I said about being blinded by my emotions."

"What do you think it was, then?" Honeystrike asked, her voice compassionate and soft. "Or do you not know?"

"I think I wanted to see if the cat I loved was still there." Riverstar barely had to think about his answer. "He wasn't. Whatever life he was given obviously replaced the Pikestar I knew."

"I wonder if he could say the same about you." Honeystrike remarked.

"Yeah." Riverstar sighed. "I wonder."

"I notice you didn't do much to… defend yourself against the accusations." The golden she-cat continued uneasily. "Why? I'm sure that there was something you could've spun to make him believe you. To make even Elmstream doubt the truth."

"I don't know why." Riverstar stared at the map, barely comprehending the lines in front of him. "I guess… I didn't want him to be in love with me anymore. Killing him in this next invasion while he's still pining after me just seems a little too… cruel."

He felt tears in the corners of his eyes. It hurt, knowing that Pikestar truly hated him now. That he didn't believe that Riverstar had ever loved him. However, it seemed that Pikestar thought he was a much better liar than he actually was. I did love him, at one point. Now, I don't know how true that is.

"Oh, Riverstar." Honeystrike whispered, leaning forwards to wrap him in a hug. He let himself sink into Honeystrike's embrace, trying to stop the flow of tears from continuing. Riverstar didn't even know why he was crying. He wasn't sad.

Perhaps he was just mourning the past. Mourning what could've been, if he had made different choices. Sacrificed everything for a cat that had sacrificed everything for him.

Of course, that was a lie. Pikestar hadn't sacrificed everything for him. Though the gray cat claimed otherwise, Riverstar knew the truth. If it had been the other way around, and Pikestar had been the one to choose, he wouldn't have chosen Riverstar. He would've picked the logical choice, and chosen his power. His position. His future.

It's too late. He reminded himself. You made your choice, and so did he. Now you have to finish it.

"I'd rather have him hate me." He said quietly. "It'll make it easier to kill him."

He could feel Honeystrike tense against him, obviously wanting to disagree. When his friend said nothing, however, he continued on.

"It's always easier to kill an enemy."

—-

It was raining softly when Riverstar left camp.

He knew that Honeystrike probably wanted him to stay to finalize their plans for the invasion tomorrow. Sunclan was aware that they were attacking tomorrow, and though his plan was greeted with some apprehension, almost everyone agreed with him. This war had to end before leafbare got even worse and both Clans began to starve.

It was silly, but he wanted to put together one more bouquet. One final testament of his sorrow, of the regret he would hold for the rest of his life.

He made his way through the familiar paths of Sunclan's territory, towards the flower field where he had put together countless bouquets for Pikestar. He remembered what it had been like in greenleaf; shining and vibrant, a beautiful sea of pink.

Now, over half the flowers had wilted, and those that were left were drooping and heavy with raindrops. Riverstar stepped through the field carefully, making sure not to trample any of the living flowers. He knew what flowers he was getting. He had put this bouquet together too many times before.

"I bet that you could get a cat to think just about anything." Pikestar's words, so innocent before, carried a new type of meaning now. He had been right from the beginning. Riverstar was capable of making a cat feel anything, do anything. Sometimes, he hated it, but more often than not, he used it for his own advantage.

He had been doing it for moons, after all. Even if what he had with Pikestar had been real, it had all been built on a foundation of lies. Riverstar had ulterior motives from the beginning, and though he had tried to convince himself at times that he would never actually follow through with them, it ended up happening.

Here he was now, planning to murder the cat he had once loved more than anything. For a period of time, Riverstar would've given up anything and everything to be with Pikestar. But that was before he realized that Sunclan needed him. They needed his leadership, and tomorrow, they needed his strength.

He was going to drag his Clan out of this war, even if it killed him. Riverstar had promised to be a better leader than Swanstar. He wouldn't become this crazy dictator who focused on nothing but power and success. Hell, he wasn't saying anything about Honeystrike's job as deputy, even if sometimes, he wished that she would remember to organize the morning patrols.

Riverstar wondered if Swanstar had ever fallen in love. If she had ever understood how impossible it was to choose between the two. (He wondered if once, Swanstar had been in the same predicament as him.)

"Riverdream, I give you a life for selflessness. Use it well to protect Sunclan and the cats you hold dear."

He had one chance. One life to get this right, for the sake of his Clanmates. He would protect Sunclan, and Honeystrike, and Goldstreak. Even if that meant getting rid of the cat he used to protect with his life.

Riverstar snapped off the stems of a small bunch of pink flowers, holding them gingerly in his mouth to avoid crushing the stems. He had recognized their look and distinct scents by now. Chrysanthemums. Death.

He wished he hadn't ended up here. He didn't want to kill Pikestar. Maybe, if he had made better choices, gone against Swanstar's orders earlier, he wouldn't be in this predicament.

Anemone. Love taken for granted. He had certainly taken Pikestar's love for granted. He turned away. He didn't particularly want to put those in his bouquet.

Sometimes, he wondered if it had been the other way around. Of course he hadn't been great to Pikestar. Of course he had hurt him. Pikestar had said himself that everything had been a lie, and sometimes, Riverstar was tempted to agree with him.

He had lied first. But Pikestar had told some half-truths of his own. In the end, it didn't matter. It would all end tomorrow.

By tomorrow, one of them would be dead. And it wouldn't be Riverstar.

—-

He went to Honeystrike one last time before the battle.

Riverstar wasn't quite sure why. It wasn't like he was seeking reassurance, or advice. Mostly, he wanted to say a proper farewell to the best friend he had ever had.

Just in case things go south tomorrow. He reminded himself. I'm going to do it. He won't kill me. Plus, if I am killed, I'll be avenged.

He wondered if Swanstar felt this way before the first battle. If she had foreseen her fate, and come to terms with it. From the way she had reacted to seeing him in Starclan, that was not the case. The white leader had wanted to live for a while longer.

Riverstar wanted to live for a while longer too. He wanted to see Sunclan develop and the seasons change and spend more time with the cats he loved. There was always something bittersweet, however, remembering that one day, he'd outlive everyone he ever loved.

He shook his head, attempting to bring himself back to the present. Dwelling on what could happen and what he wanted to happen wasn't going to change anything. Starclan had his fate laid out, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Honeystrike was over near the warrior's den, chewing on a stringy mouse with such vigor it made Riverdream question how long it had been since she had eaten.

"Hey." Riverstar sat beside her heavily, blue gaze downcast. "I got my final bouquet together, so uh… all ready to go, I guess."

Honeystrike didn't answer at first, too busy swallowing her mouthful of mouse.

"How did that go?" She questioned, her tone soft. She was treating Riverstar like he was something delicate, something fragile that would crack at the briefest disturbance.

Riverstar wasn't fragile. Swanstar had tried to break him, and he hadn't cracked. Yet, the thought of killing Pikestar was making him nauseous. He didn't want to feel the other cat's blood pool under his claws, feel skin tear beneath him. He didn't want to do it.

He was presented with yet another impossible choice. His Clan or Pikestar? And for the second time, Riverstar was going to go against Pikestar. He had to.

"I dunno." he shrugged. "Normal. I've made that particular arrangement of flowers too many times." He gave a bitter laugh.

"What are the flowers, again?" Honeystrike asked, raising an eyebrow. "I know you were really into the meanings when we were apprentices. Just wondering if that carried into your bouquet at all."

"Oh." Riverstar paused. "Yeah. It's uh…" he trailed off briefly, trying to remember the names for all the flowers he used. "Camellias. Means I miss you." He paused, realizing how absolutely pathetic that sounded. Thank Starclan Pikestar doesn't know anything about flowers.

"Pink carnations." He continued quietly. "I will never forget you." He would never forget Pikestar. The gray cat would haunt him for the rest of his days, hidden in shadowy corners and distant memories Riverstar would never be able to fully dismiss.

"Pink hydrangeas." His voice was down to a whisper. "One's true feelings."

Honeystrike stayed silent, her gaze oddly expressionless. Riverstar wondered what she thought of him right now. Does she think I'm a monster? She would never do something like this, yet I've done it countless times.

For a brief moment, he wanted to call off the battle. Cancel the entire thing, and start over. Find a way where Pikestar could live.

That was pointless, though. Pikestar hated him. Moonclan hated him. If this war went on for much longer, more Sunclan blood would be spilled. He would end up just like Swanstar, and nothing would change.

"Chrysanthemums." He said, voice turning cold. "Death."

"Last one is a bit on the nose, don't you think?" Honeystrike winced. "It's… sad, though. I wonder what he'd think if he actually knew what any of them meant."

"He doesn't." Riverstar shook his head. "I asked him once if he knew about any of that stuff. When… we were still together, that is. He said he had no idea."

"Oh." Honeystrike frowned. "Well, that's good, I guess. When are you going to… give them to him?"

"I'm not going to give them to him directly." Riverstar explained quietly. "That wouldn't really make much sense. I'll go there early and put them at the border. Even if no one else will know what it means, he will."

"You don't want to include any other flowers, right?" Honeystrike asked. "Like, nothing towards apologizing or regret? Nothing at all?"

"What if I told you I don't regret it?" Riverstar replied quietly, looking away from his friend. "That a flower like that holds no place in my bouquet?"

"I'd tell you you were lying." Honeystrike said simply, and Riverstar hated that she was right. "I'd tell you that you did regret it and I know that because I can see it in your eyes. In your entire face, actually. You don't like what you did to him and you don't like what you're going to do to him tomorrow."

Riverstar opened his mouth to speak, but Honeystrike cut over him. "You're not as regretful as one might think, however. Though you don't like your actions, you wouldn't make a different choice. Sometimes you consider what the other possibility would've been like, only to realize that you would've lost so much more if you had chosen it." Her mouth curved into a sad smile. "Oh, Riverstar. You've always been so practical."

"You know me too well, don't you?" Riverstar glanced back at her. "Because you're right. I've considered it multiple times. But in the end, I'd be so much unhappier even if I was with Pikestar. My motives weren't pure in the first place, it didn't seem fair to… drag it out. Try to make something out of a relationship that was bound to fail."

"I still loved him, though." He bowed his head. "He was wrong about that. I loved him, and… and I wish I would've been better at letting him know that when I had the chance. I remember thinking I had him. Thinking that we'd have all the time in the world, and that nothing would interfere with it. With us."

"I know." Honeystrike whispered sympathetically. "Riverstar, if I had to make half of the choices you made, I think I would've internally combusted by now."

He gave a shaky laugh at her halfhearted joke, furiously blinking tears from his eyes. "I just… I don't want to make that mistake again."

Riverstar turned towards Honeystrike, blue gaze wide. She had been his closest friend for as long as he could remember. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her. (He couldn't lose her.)

"Honeystrike, I…" He took in a large breath, trying to find the words for all the things he wanted to say to her. "I just want you to know that I love you. A lot. I think I love you more than I ever loved Pikestar."

The golden she-cat didn't respond, only smiling sadly. Riverstar could see tears gathering in the corners of her eyes as well.

"And… whatever happens tomorrow, I…" He leaned forwards, wrapping her in a tight hug. Riverstar held her like he was never going to see her again. Like this was the last few minutes they would ever have with each other. "I just wanted you to know that you'll be an excellent leader. And that I can't thank you enough for always being by my side, through the horrible and the good, through everything. I honestly think I would be dead without you."

"I love you too." Honeystrike mumbled into his fur, before letting out a teary laugh. "Ugh, stop it. You're going to make me cry."

"Sorry." Riverstar gave a rueful smile, before falling silent. The two of them stayed there for a few minutes in silence, just enjoying each other's warmth. He knew that Honeystrike was scared of losing him as well. He wasn't about to reassure her and tell her that there was no way that it would happen, because it was possible. There was an ending where Pikestar walked out alive and he didn't.

"You know… I don't think I'm gonna die without experiencing joy… one last time." He murmured, feeling oddly at peace. "And right now, I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed being with you."

—-

Riverstar didn't linger at the border for long.

He was hoping that Moonclan hadn't left any scouts waiting to pick cats off. Otherwise, Riverstar would be a definite target. It'd be oddly ironic to die before the battle even began.

He left the flowers near the pine tree where Pikestar had first waited for him. He wasn't sure if the gray cat would remember the significance of it, but Riverstar certainly did. Sometimes he'd replay the memory in his head, and go back to a time where he was happier. Where everything had been pink and beautiful.

The gray leader probably wouldn't care. After all, he was now convinced that Riverstar was a lying, manipulating psychopath who cared about nothing but power. That's the story that Elmstream had given him, at least.

Speaking of Elmstream, she was now Riverstar's first target. This plan wouldn't work unless both the leader and the deputy were eliminated. Though killing Pikestar would be awful, he had no qualms about killing the brown deputy.

If anything, he was actually a little excited. One less cat I hate out of the way, I guess.

By the time he had gotten back to camp, Sunclan had begun to stir, with sleepy-eyed warriors dragging themselves out of their nests into the large clearing. Honeystrike had already started organizing everyone into different battle groups, darting around camp. Riverstar looked on, a fond smile flitting across his features for a moment.

His joy was quickly squandered by nerves, however. Usually, he was deathly calm before a battle, every other emotion getting smothered by his focus and bloodlust. Today, he was strangely antsy. Perhaps, for once, Riverstar was finally nervous about what he had at stake.

He aimed a nervous glance up at the sun, which was steadily rising in the sky. He knew that Sunclan was organized, but Moonclan had nailed their battle strategy down long ago. If they didn't move fast enough, they might lose their early arrival to the border, and therefore whatever advantage they might've had.

Riverstar wondered what Pikestar was thinking. He wondered if the gray cat was feeling just as nervous as him, or if he was looking at this as just another battle. Just another fight where he was confident in his victory.

Of course, Pikestar didn't know that this fight would be his last. That Moonclan's leaders were about to topple, one by one, and the quiet, stoic, grand Clan would finally fall. Sunclan would finally win.

Are you proud of me now, Swanstar? This is exactly what the white leader would've wanted, after all. He was free of all distractions. He was serving his Clan. He was the perfect example of a warrior,

Riverstar knew, though, if Swanstar was here, she wouldn't be proud. He'd still be lacking in some areas. Nothing had ever been good enough for her.

Before he knew it, the long walk to the Moonclan border had passed. Riverstar was technically leading the patrol, but he had let Honeystrike take over, so distracted and lost in his own thoughts that he barely knew where he was going. The golden deputy had been happy to oblige.

He knew she was worried about him. Hell, he was a little worried about himself. He was still afraid that he wouldn't be able to do it. That he'd fall short in some way, and Pikestar would live, and they'd have to start back at square one all over again.

We can't do that. He narrowed his eyes, trying to summon whatever determination he had left. We have to win. I have to do this. I have to do this for the Clan I've given everything to.

By the time Sunclan reached the border, it was well towards sunhigh. It was unusually hot for a leafbare day, and the clear blue skies above made Riverstar wish he was dozing in his nest instead of out here.

He could tell from the glint of eyes in the shadows of the pine trees that Moonclan was already here. They had been here for some time. This was always how it started.

Riverstar forced himself forwards on shaking paws. He padded to the center of the clearing, standing boldly, refusing to show any form of weakness. Any Moonclan cat that tried to attack him now would be a fool. He'd cut them down.

His blue gaze scanned the trees, searching for the green eyes he knew so well. He had a target, and he would not lose it. He would kill Pikestar or he would die trying.

Riverstar's mouth twitched when he spotted Pikestar, perched behind the pine tree that Riverstar had placed the flowers on. He knew the gray cat had seen them. What he had chosen to do with them, he had no idea. He didn't care.

He flicked his tail downwards, and Sunclan streamed forwards, Moonclan cats quickly coming to meet them. The clearing exploded into battle like it had so many times before. Riverstar leapt down from his perch on a small rock, streaking through the battle. He would not be deterred.

Cats tried to stop him, jump in his way or find another way to keep them from reaching his leader, but he was unshakable. Despite his small stature, Riverstar had the energy to fling cats aside with impossible strength. I will not fail. I will find him. I will kill him.

Suddenly, a cat ran into his path, blocking the way between Riverstar and where Pikestar had disappeared. Riverstar let out a savage snarl at the sight of Elmstream.

"You." He hissed. "Get out of my way."

"I know what you're planning to do." The brown she-cat glared back at him with equal hatred. "I won't let you. What, now that you've ruined his life, you want to end it too?"

"I have no choice." Riverstar threw his head back, letting out a bitter, humorless laugh. "If he lives, this war goes on. If he lives, Sunclan continues to suffer." His blue gaze narrowed. "Do you understand that, Elmstream? Giving up everything for your clanmates?"

"I understand honor and civility." Moonclan's deputy answered stiffly. "Two concepts that you seem to have a poor grasp of."

"Oh, I understand them just fine." Riverstar unsheathed his claws. "I've just decided that I don't need to follow them. Sometimes, victory requires sacrificing honor and civility."

"That's why Moonclan loses so many battles." He taunted. "Because you can't seem to set that aside."

Elmstream lunged at him with a roar, swinging massive blows that Riverstar was able to easily dodge. She was definitely a poor fighter, but made up for it with the rage that encompassed her. Riverstar nearly caught himself on the receiving end of one of her killing hits, and made sure to keep a wide berth.

Though Elmstream's offense was certainly poor, she was a strong defender, and knew how to block her weak spots. Riverstar circled her, looking for an opening, and tried to hide his frustration when he found none.

He didn't want to spend useless time fighting the brown deputy when he could be going after Pikestar instead. He had come here with one goal in mind, and she was simply a distraction. An annoyance, something to be discarded.

Riverstar leapt forwards, clearly aiming for Elmstream's left side. The Moonclan deputy saw him coming, and crouched, preparing to knock him off guard.

At the last moment, he dodged to the right, Elmstream's claws digging into the ground where he would've been if he hadn't moved. Riverstar slammed the brown deputy in the shoulder, sending both of them toppling to the ground.

It was a savage swirl of claws and teeth as the two of them fought to murder the other. Elmstream's claws caught his front leg, and tore a large wound through his shoulder. Riverstar bit his lip to muffle his grunt of pain, and retaliated by slamming his paws into her stomach.

The she-cat let out a wheezing gasp, mouth and eyes going wide as the breath was driven from her body. Riverdream dug his claws into the soft skin of Elmstream's stomach, earning a pained shriek from the she-cat. She knew she was going to die, at this point.

"This is the price you pay for getting in my way." He hissed, blue eyes narrow and icy with rage. In reality, he would've hunted Elmstream down either way. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, though.

"You-" Elmstream could hardly talk, blood beginning to bubble out of her mouth. "You… You never deserved someone like… him."

"No." Riverstar shook his head solemnly. "I didn't."

With that, he slammed her head into a nearby rock, turning away at the loud crack her skull made as the bone broke against the stone. He didn't look back, not wanting to see the bloody, gaping mess that used to be Elmstream's head. Riverstar had never been a fan of gore.

He wiped his claws on the dewy grass that grew throughout the clearing, though much of it had been trampled by fighting cats and pawsteps. For a brief moment, he pictured it covered in moonlight and pink flowers.

Riverstar shook his dreamlike thoughts away quickly. There was no time to dwell on the past. If he stood there for too long, some Moonclan cat would realize that he had murdered their deputy and then he'd definitely be screwed.

He took off in the direction he had seen Pikestar go, but at this point, he had no idea where the gray cat was. Riverstar was sure that he had changed his direction by now, though he wasn't sure where. He could be lying in wait for me. He has the advantage of surprise.

Riverstar cursed Elmstream for getting in the way. She could've just waited, judging that she was going to die either way, but now she had thrown him off.

He had trailed into Moonclan's territory by now, which was made up by towering pines and the sharp, musty smell of dirt. The overwhelming scent of pine was everywhere, and Riverstar turned a slow circle, trying to get his bearings. The pine was starting to make him woozy.

Suddenly, a heavy weight crashed into him, sending Riverstar sprawling across the clearing. His claws scrabbled at the ground, and he tried to get to his paws, to run, to do anything but stand here and watch the world spin.

However, whoever had hit him before was on him again, landing a heavy punch to his face. Riverstar's head snapped to the side, and he felt blood in his mouth. He crumpled to the ground again, letting out a weak groan of pain. Get up. Get up. Get up-

"You smashed her head open with a rock." Pikestar growled in his ear, his breath hot. Riverstar let out a weak gasp, trying to throw the other cat off, but it was no use. Pikestar was twice his size and weight, and Riverstar was sure at least one of his legs was injured. There was no way he could run.

This can't be it. I… I can't go out like this.

"She got in the way." He forced out, claws dug into the grass beneath him. His left back leg was throbbing with pain, and he suspected it was broken. The chances of him outrunning Pikestar were astronomically small. He could scream for help, but that was… cowardly, to say the least. If he did live through this, that's not exactly how he wanted cats to remember his role in this battle.

"No she did not." Pikestar chuckled, but it was dark and humorless. "She did not. You had this planned from the beginning, didn't you? Just like you planned everything else."

"I didn't know who she was until last Gathering." Riverstar admitted, going still. If he could get Pikestar to relinquish his hold, even just a little bit, it would be enough. He'd be able to slip out. If he just favored his left leg, maybe be more reserved about blows, he might be able to-

"Really?" Pikestar's claws dug into his shoulders, drawing small trails of crimson blood that trickled through his fur. Riverstar winced, but didn't attempt to fight back. Let go. I'm not going anywhere. At least, it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere.

"I thought that friend of yours would've told you about her." The gray cat continued. Riverstar could hear the hate in his voice when he spoke of Honeystrike, and felt a hot jolt of anger. If Moonclan's leader laid a claw on Honeystrike, there'd be hell to pay for it.

"She told you about me, didn't you?" Pikestar hissed, green eyes narrowed with disgust. He was so close that if the situation had been completely different, Riverstar would be convinced that they were about to kiss. "After that first Gathering. You two were whispering about something, weren't you?"

"We whisper about a lot of things." Riverstar said vaguely, trying to hide how much pain he was in. "You're not as important as you think you are, Pikestar."

The offhanded insult obviously caught the gray cat off guard, and his grip loosened, if only for a second.

Riverstar took the opportunity to shove Pikestar away, clambering to his paws. His left leg slammed against the ground, and he let out a pained whimper, the pain so intense he swore he saw stars. Still, now he was on his paws. He had a chance.

"You-" Pikestar's jaw clenched, and Riverstar swore he could hear the other cat's teeth grinding together. After a moment, though, the Moonclan leader took a deep breath, attempting to regain his previous calmness.

"What, you think you can fight me?" The gray tabby questioned. "Riverstar, you can only stand on three legs. There's no way."

"Maybe so." Riverstar shrugged. "What are you going to do if I stop fighting, huh?" He narrowed his eyes. "You gonna kill me, Pikestar?"

Pikestar's eyes widened. "I-" His former lover hadn't expected the question.

"I bet you can't." Riverstar challenged, glaring at Pikestar with daring eyes. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing, to be honest. There was a high chance that this would end up to be a massive mistake and he'd just anger the gray cat even more.

Pikestar was confused, and that was good. It meant that he'd thrown Moonclan's leader off, and ruined his calmness, his focus. Just like Elmstream had done to him.

"Have you ever considered that maybe I don't want to kill you?" Pikestar said at last. "Not everyone is like you, Riverstar. Not everyone likes murdering cats."

"I don't like it." Riverstar shook his head, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "I hate it. But I do it because I have to."

"Brackenstar never made you do anything." He spat at Pikestar, not even sure where his words were coming from. Perhaps they were grievances that were supposed to be aired a long time ago. "You never had to choose. You never had to do something that made you not sleep so well. Yet you get to sit here and look at me like I'm some… some monster."

Pikestar didn't offer a witty retort back. He barely even seemed to register Riverstar's words at all. The gray cat lunged towards him, claws glinting red.

He dodged easily, and whipped around to face Pikestar, making sure not to put any weight on his left leg. This was how Riverstar fought, in long duels that usually ended up in the opponent becoming exhausting. If he couldn't beat them at the very beginning, he'd have to wait until the bitter end.

He and Pikestar continued on this way for a few minutes. The silence between them was almost eerie.

Riverstar could see the frustration of not being able to catch him beginning to take a toll on Pikestar. The gray cat's blows were beginning to become sloppy and uncoordinated, and Riverstar finally got a chance to get his first hit in.

Blood bubbled up from where his claws dug into Pikestar's shoulder. The gray tabby hissed and flung Riverstar away. His back smashed against a pine tree, and he crumpled to the ground, gasping in pain.

If his left leg hadn't been broken before, it certainly was now. Riverstar's vision had gone blurry, and he was barely aware of Pikestar padding towards him.

The gray cat was bleeding heavily from the shoulder Riverstar had injured, but other than that, he was perfectly healthy. Riverstar couldn't say the same for himself. One of his eyelids had begun to swell, and blood trickled from his shoulders and sides.

"I don't want to kill you, RIverstar." Pikestar was panting, and Riverstar could see the glisten of tears in his eyes. He raised a paw, crimson with Riverstar's blood.

That's when he lost it.

"Pikestar, please." He began to cry, heaving sobs that took all the breath out of his lungs. He could barely breathe. All Riverstar knew is that he didn't want to die. He couldn't die.

"Please don't kill me." He sobbed, cowering on the ground in front of Pikestar. He knew he looked a mess, covered in blood and snot and tears, but he would sink as low as he had to. Whatever kept him alive.

"I don't wanna die." He whimpered. "P-Pike, I'm sorry. I know you hate me and don't want to see me anymore, but if you let me live, I'll forfeit. You can have the land. Moonclan will win. It's what you wanted, right? This is what you want?"

He made sure Pikestar couldn't see his unsheathed claws.

"I love you." Riverstar whispered, sounding utterly broken. "I know you don't believe it, but I do. You're the one thing I love more than Sunclan."

Those words caused Pikestar to falter. The gray cat's paw wavered in the air, and Riverstar took the chance he had been given.

He wasn't sure what drove him to get to his paws and lunge at the other cat. Perhaps it was adrenaline, or his desire to finish the job, no matter what it took.

Riverstar's claws dug into the soft skin of Pikestar's throat. He heard a wheezing breath come out of the other cat as he lived his last moments.

"R-River…" Pikestar's once bright green eyes were clouded with tears. Riverstar bit his lip, trembling.

"I-I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you. Starclan, Pikestar, I'm sorry…"

His apologies fell on deaf ears. Pikestar was no longer alive to hear them.

Riverstar expected to feel victorious. He had expected to feel like even though it had been hard, and grueling, and awful, he had done it. His enemy, his friend, his lover, his fellow leader, was dead. He had won.

Riverstar buried his fur in Pikestar's scruff, and wept.

He wept for the cat who he had spoken to at the Gathering for the first time. He wept for the cat who he had spent so many nights with. He wept for the cat who he had hated, who he had fought, who he had loved, who he had betrayed. Who he worked so hard to beat for nothing.

Pikestar had never been his, and now he was gone forever.

lol see you never (jk if you want to see me be just as inactive head on over to my Ao3, account name is in my profile :))

-minty