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Episode: When The Bough Breaks
- USS Seahawk, Arabian Sea
Loren slowly ran her flat hands along both sides of her head and kneaded her neck. She stared down at the report in front of her. Was she able to do this? Was she able to pull through this? On the other hand - had she any other choice?
'I've got to get off this ship.' The sentence that had run through her head for more than two months now returned again. 'I've got to get off this ship.'
She took a shaky breath. Involuntarily her hands moved down to her belly. Her slowly but more and more visibly growing belly. Her fingernails dug into the cloth of her uniform and for a moment the trembling got hold of her whole body until she pulled herself together again. The suspicion had dawned on her just weeks after she had set foot on this ship. No matter how weird and irregular her body had been acting for months because of the mental turmoil in her head ... she had simply known she was pregnant.
'I've got to get off this ship.'
Jerking her head up she breathed again deeply, not allowing the panic to consume her entirely. Pregnant. She was carrying a child. And she wasn't sure whose. Her knuckles went white as she clenched her fists. She wasn't sure whose. Richard's ... or Lindsey's.
What if it was Lindsey's? What if it was his? Oh yes, she had always insisted on using a condom but even that was a hundred percent safe... Damn it, why was she one of those women who weren't able to take the pill? The one and only time she had tried it she had ended up in the emergency room of the next hospital, scaring her parents to death, and after that the doctor had simply told her no, no way. And anyway it should have been impossible. Her last time with Lindsey should have been too early and the night with Richard too late. But obviously impossible hadn't been enough. She couldn't even have a check on how far she was, not here, not in the sickbay of a Navy carrier! So what if - what if -?!
Squeezing her eyes shut she gritted her teeth. No, she wouldn't break down again. She wouldn't allow herself to break down again. Not now. Not here. For the hundreds time she told herself how tiny the chance was that Lindsey was the father. That considering the timetable and the circumstances Richard was a far better guess. But logic did very little to console her overstretched nerves at the moment.
Shame and fear had held her back from contacting Webb right away. She had clung to the hope he would find a possibility to get her out fast ... that it wouldn't be necessary to tell him in an impersonal message. God, she had even prayed for a natural abort. Stress, seasickness ... wasn't that damaging to a pregnancy? Didn't something like that happen all the time to women all over the world? But it had turned out that it had been less seasickness and more morning sickness that had made her life miserable ... and then she had suddenly received a message, informing her about a change in positions and that she had a new superior.
There the first wave of real panic had washed over her. She had reacted immediately also she hadn't been able to bring herself to admit the truth. So she had reported health problems and insisted on an immediate transfer out. There had been no response. Even when she had finally sent the plain truth I'm pregnant - and how long had she worked to code this little sentence correctly - all she had got back was an order to wait.
To wait. What a joke! There was not enough time to wait any longer! She was starting to show, she had even ordered some of her uniforms to be let out at the waist so she could mask her condition a little longer. She was afraid of the curious eyes around her and especially of those of her nosy young legalman, Petty Officer Coates. Had no one at Langley a clue what would happen if her pregnancy was discovered? This was the Navy, damn it. There were rules and it wasn't like she could explain who the father was! She would not consider Lindsey a possibility. She would not!
Again she clenched the uniform over her belly in her fist. 'Where are you, Webb? What did happen? What did happen to you?'
Webb, she knew, could be cold and calculating and was able to sacrifice anything and anyone for the sake of a mission ... but he would have moved heaven and earth as soon as he'd got word of her current situation. There wasn't a mission anymore, on the contrary, it could be damaging to the whole operation if her affair with Lindsey became public. If they started to dig up dirt how far would they go back? She still didn't believe Lindsey had anything to do with Senvealda's organization but Singer had. It could even jeopardize Foxhound's cover in the worst case! And she also knew that wouldn't have been Webb's only motivation. She just knew deep down he cared.
She felt tears welling up in her eyes. How she wished to hear his voice at least over the phone. Was he dead? Had his profession finally managed to kill him? Or had he simply lost in that power struggle going on at Langley? Had he risked too much in the end?
Taking another deep breath she pushed these useless thoughts out of her mind and rested stiff fingers on the first sheet of paper in the folder in front of her. Now she needed a clear head. She was on her own. It seemed the CIA had left her in the lurch so she had to take matters in her own hands. And the recent accident, terrible as it was, was giving her an opening. Her fingers trembled.
Was she able to do this? The landing signal officer, the air boss, so many others... Was she able to possibly ruin their careers with her charges? But if Captain Johnson reacted the way she hoped he would simply throw her off his ship one way or the other and another JAG investigator, probably directly from JAG headquarters, should be able to clear them of all accusations. The more important question was if she really was able to pull through it. At some rational level she was well aware of her mood swings thanks to the roller-coaster ride of her hormones and how difficult it was sometimes not to burst into tears at any harsh word. And harsh words she would get because of her report.
Loren bit her lower lip and got up slowly. She closed the folder and held it to her chest where her heart felt like a stone. But she had to get off this ship. She had to. At all costs. She stepped around her desk and walked to the door.
- Over the Arabian Sea
Well, at least she was off the ship.
But that was the only thing that had gone as planned. Oh, no, Captain Johnson had reacted just as she had calculated ... only a little bit too enthusiastically. Her short attack of dizziness on the bridge had been unfortunate. Even more unfortunate had been that Johnson had taken the opportunity to order her to sickbay for a medical check-up. What had he hoped for? Proof that she was insane? Well, the doctor really would have had to be blind, incompetent and completely innocent to overlook her condition. Of course he hadn't. And this was still the Navy.
Loren stared out in the sky and refused to look at Rabb or to react to his attempts to talk to her. She would never allow him to hurt her like that again. Ridiculous, she had really believed his gentle words. She had really thought he felt sympathy for her because of her situation. But he had been spying on her. He had had his own selfish reasons. He didn't feel sympathy for her; he was concerned her child could be a blood relative of him. This stupid man and his family complex. That stupid dinner at Benzinger's. But of course it had been her own mistake. She had wanted to see too much of Sergei in the elder brother. She had wanted to see something that simply wasn't there. These two men might be half-brothers but it didn't mean they were alike. She would never make this mistake again. No, never again.
Mackenzie had at least been honest about her dislike and her suspicion. The woman had her faults but at least she was straightforward. Well, as long as it didn't come to the men in her life. If she had found any indication that she had conceived aboard the Seahawk she would have nailed her to the next wall.
Loren sighed. That had been the only point she had known herself on safe ground. She had been so careful to avoid any kind of personal contact with the crew. The Singer-behavior had worked miracles again.
She shifted in her seat. And now? Now she would go and face the next witch- hunt at JAG headquarters. The whispers. The looks. Hey, there's Lieutenant Singer again, yes, she's got herself pregnant, didn't you know? Oh yes, she's really deep in trouble.
The cold in her was chilling.
Damn them all. She had survived the Seahawk she was going to survive JAG headquarters too. And she definitely didn't intent to stay long. There was a lot of leave she had never taken while working there and she was sure Chegwidden would grant her request to take it now as soon as possible. It would give the CIA time to come up with a plan to get her out and this time for good. Among other things. She had ruined her life for the Agency. Now it was their turn to do something for her.
Although she had thrown the first thing into Rabb's face that she had been rather certain would hurt him too, it hadn't been a lie. If this child was Lindsey's she would have an abortion. She would not give birth to or raise a child whose father and the circumstances of its conception were - were... No child deserved to be born to live with a lie. But if it was Richard's...
Loren closed her eyes and fought back tears which threatened to escape her control. Richard. There was no way their relationship could survive such a blow. How should he ever forgive her? She couldn't ask that much. She had no right to ask that much. Again she stared blankly into the sky. She was going to lose him. As soon as she would tell him the truth - the part she was allowed to - she knew she was going to lose him. But it was the only way. He deserved to know ... if only to give him the chance to turn his back on her and leave without any feeling of regret.