Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.

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Episode: The Killer

- Outside the Roberts' house

Loren settled down in her car and strapped in. Then she turned and looked back at the house. She wasn't sure what had driven her to come at all. Curiosity? Loneliness? Harriet Sims' unexpected approach and her offer to ... talk had quite surprised her. It had surprised her even more that she hadn't been able to shoo her off with her first harsh remarks in the cafeteria.

Heck, she had definitely been in no mood for talking. JAG headquarters had fulfilled any of her worst expectations. Tiner, Sturgis Turner ... no, not even Singer would have deserved such treatment. At least she had been spared from dealing with Rabb again. She really had to call Sergei and prepare him before he'd be thrown off by his brother. She trusted the young Russian to keep her secret but a fair warning was definitely called for.

She rested her hands on the steering wheel. Rabb's motive for his actions was clear. As was Tiner's or Turner's. But Harriet Sims? So yes, maybe it had been curiosity that had brought her here. And then she had been greeted with is that the wicked witch?. A smile curled up the corners of her mouth. Sims' face had almost been comical as she had heard the words of her son. Wizard of Oz, huh? Good reaction though. But of course the Lieutenant understood none of her problems. How could she? It was impossible.

Nevertheless, she was somehow glad she had stopped by. Sims' had really bit the bullet as she had decided to try and talk to her. They weren't friends. They would never be, too long the secret war between the two of them had continued, too many lies had been told. But maybe ... maybe even if they were not able to make peace they had at least been able to settle for a truce. Maybe at least the painful bitterness between them had ended.

Loren considered her hands. And some of Sims' words had been nearer to the truth than she would ever know, just in a different context. Like what she had said about that sometimes not doing something was the hardest part but living with it afterwards. Living with it forever. Just few people were able to understand that.

Involuntarily her eyes wandered to her purse where she knew her cell phone in. She hesitated and glanced at her watch. She had still more than enough time to catch her flight and somehow she doubted that anyone had bothered to change the number but... No, she had no right to add to his problems because she felt the need for a shoulder to cry on. That cold bastard Kershaw at Langley had refused to tell her anything but she had managed to corner Bonettry on her way out of the building. The woman had practically squirmed out of her hands but she had learned enough. So again it had been a favor to Rabb that had got Webb into trouble. And he was in deep this time.

No. She dismissed the thought of calling him. It wouldn't be fair. He had done everything within his power to complete a plan to get her off the Seahawk before he had had to leave. In fact everything had been arranged shortly afterwards, they had just been waiting for the right time - as Kershaw had very sharply pointed out together with some nasty remarks why she had taken action and spoiled everything. She had bit her tongue and remained silent. She had known better than to scream back why she hadn't been informed from the start. It would have been the wrong tactic. At the moment she wanted something from the Agency and so it was better to swallow her anger - as hard as it had been.

And for the same reason any further contact would be more dangerous for Webb than for her. His career was damaged enough already, her call - especially if he tried to help her because of it - would make things worse. She wondered briefly if anyone at JAG had even bothered to think about him after he had been sent away to South America. Well, all right, Webb wasn't a man who wrote picture postcards too.

Again she checked the time then reached for the key. She noticed that her fingers trembled slightly. Despite the brave mask she was wearing for the world right now she was afraid of Chicago. She was scared to death to face Richard. Yes, sometimes living with it afterward was the hardest part. Because there was always someone to be hurt.

- A suburb of Chicago

"I'm three months pregnant. But as things stand I'm not entirely sure it's yours."

The words and what they implied still vibrated in the silence between them. Richard's face was blank. Numb. Frozen. As numb and frozen as she felt inside. She was losing him. She knew she was losing him. But there was no other way than to tell him as fast as possible and get it over with. She forced her lips to move.

"I know you have no reason to believe me but you are the only man I've ever had unprotected sex with." Her voice sounded brittle and emotionless in her own ears. Like broken glass under heavy boots. "It was never part of the original mission. But things changed some months ago and one thing led to another and - somehow everything got out of hand."

He was watching her silently. She swallowed.

"There are tests although it's a risk to the baby. But they need DNA to compare the child's with and it's impossible to ask this ... other man. Or to get it without his - anyone's - knowledge."

He still just looked at her.

"I know ... I know I have no right to ask," she continued slowly. "But I will not have this child if you are not the father. Rather I will..." she trailed off.

The silence was heavy. And then Richard shook his head, turned and walked out of the room.

Loren watched him go. The pain was a frozen drop in her emptiness. Seconds ticked by, minutes. It didn't matter. She just stood there without thinking, without feeling. It was over. Everything was over. After an eternity she found the strength to move again and slowly made it into the corridor and turned to the door. She was glad she had wisely left her small suitcase in the rental car.

"Where are you going?"

Richard's voice stopped her two steps from the entrance. Without turning around she knew he was standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"A hotel," she managed to get out. "I don't want to disturb you anymore."

She heard his sigh.

"Does he mean anything to you?"

She tensed at the question.

"No!" It was a strangled hiss.

"No," she repeated calmer. "I hated it. I hated any second. But I know that is no excuse. No justification. It - it wasn't like he raped me or something like that. And nobody really ordered me to do it. I just ... made a decision." She stared straight ahead. "I know there are no words to tell you how sorry I am I did this to you. I know there is nothing I can say."

He didn't answer and after another moment she reached for the door handle.

"Loren, can you please be less stubborn and stop jumping to my conclusions?"

His words jerked her around. She stared at him in disbelief.

Richard rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't give me that look. You really think I didn't notice how much you have changed in the past six months? You were tense and guarded from the start but a few weeks after our wedding it got worse. You think I didn't notice how you avoided calling me and the few times I actually got hold of you, you barely talked to me? Or that you almost jumped out of your skin when I touched you first in that motel in Washington? You really think I'm that blind? Or stupid? Or ignorant?"

He shook his head but continued to nail her with an angry glare. "I know you, Loren. I know you well. I know how you act when there's too much pressure on you or you think you've done something wrong. And honestly, I have read and seen too many spy novels in my life to keep my fantasy at bay."

Loren's jaw hung. Richard had stripped her off her carefully constructed guard with a few words, leaving her exposed and naked ... and feeling somewhat ridiculous.

"B-b-but I-I-I thought you hate me!" she choked out.

He snorted. "Oh, I'm not overly thrilled. But I walked into this marriage with my eyes wide open and it's still my decision if I hate you or not. So it would be nice you'd stop deciding for me!"

Considering her shocked face he sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. His expression softened.

"You know when you were gone for almost a year ... darn it, I was so annoyed that you were gone for so long, sulking in my misery... And then suddenly this guy stood at the door and told me you might be seen on television and that I should be prepared to present our friends, our families a bunch of barefaced lies. I got so angry I started shouting at him. Like: what about me? And: I've waited long enough... And: Go and look for someone else to do your dirty work..." Richard paused a second, looking at the floor. Then he shrugged and continued: "This guy - what was his name... Webb, that's it. Well, this Webb-guy just listened to me and then asked if I was finished and then ... he told me in very plain words that I should stop being such a selfish bastard and that you were the one who was out there and deserved to be thought about."

Loren just stared. She knew all too well how plain Webb was able to be with words.

"And he told me that if I wasn't able to wait and to support you and to - and to forgive you, it would be a good idea to think again if I was the right man for you. That if I wasn't, I should draw the line now for the sake of both of us and not when it would be too late." He made a little face and exhaled slowly. "It was the worst dressing-down I've ever received. But I've thought a lot about his words since then. I ... I thought about them whenever I got impatient and annoyed and whenever you told me again you would be gone longer still - all right usually after I had calmed down enough to think clearly again. But I thought about them before we went to the city hall. And I thought about them three months ago after you had called and said you would be out of the country for a while and this time completely out of touch. And ... maybe because of his words I decided to go to Washington and meet you that night."

While she still stood rigid he finally crossed the corridor until he was in front of her. He reached up but stopped before his hand touched her skin. She felt his warmth, saw the pain in his eyes.

"I barely recognized you, Loren. I barely did today," he whispered. "He said this job changes anybody but - you just walked in and slapped everything into my face. What has made you so hard? Darn it, Loren, I've waited for so long - what has made you so sure I wouldn't even try to understand?"

Her lips quivered no matter how tightly she pressed them together and in the end she just lifted her shoulders a tiny bit. As she blinked a silent tear slipped down her face.

He sighed and his eyes were sad ... and gentle. "Let's do this test. Then ... we'll see."

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A/N: Two more chapters to go now.