*************Author's note: Yay it's finally finished! I just wanted to
thank Justin for all of his beta-er-ing, thoughts, ideas, brainstorming and
never ending friendship and help. Also thanks to everyone that took the
time to read it, took even more time to make suggestions and leave
comments. And to my insomnia because at I finished this at three in the
morning when I couldn't sleep. Yay to the completion of my first ever Law &
Order SVU fanfiction***********************
***
Two cups of tea later for each other them they both found themselves fully comfortable and at ease.
"You seem like you would have been more of a cheerleader type," Olivia mused over her cup of tea.
"I could have been," Casey said, from where she sat on the opposite side of the couch. In all honesty she didn't think in a million years she'd be sitting on Detective Olivia Benson's couch, drinking orange flavored tea and recalling high school. "But I loved softball too much. What about you? Class president or year book editor or something popular and fabulous like."
Olivia blushed slightly and took a long drink before answering, "No..." She said slowly, extending her right leg out in front of her, only to tuck it back under the other one. "I never went in for any of that. I was one of those loners."
"Really?" Casey asked, surprised. "I would have though for sure you'd be prom queen or something." She took another drink, "So why not go out for anything?"
Olivia shrugged, "I don't know. It never really appealed to me. And I think growing up without a father hit me a lot harder then it did with other kids who only had one parent."
"What happened with your dad?" As soon as the words left Casey's mouth she saw the pained look on Olivia's face and she wished she could take the question back. "That's okay." She said quickly.
Olivia glanced out the window for something to do, to take her mind off of the matter at hand and said, "Hey look, sun's coming out."
Casey turned slightly, "Yeah look at that. The hours just flew by." In silence they watched the sun start to peak up and shine light rays everywhere. After a little while Casey turned back to Olivia, waiting to catch her eye before asking, "Do you think that-?"
Olivia shook her slowly; she knew what Casey was asking. "No...I don't think so. I can't risk...all of this."
"I understand." Casey stood up, fully hurt and headed for her coat. "I need to get to the hospital, Jessie's being released today, I need to be there for her."
"Can I drive you or something?" Olivia felt horrible for hurting Casey and mad at herself for pushing away her feelings, yet again.
"No." Casey put her hand on the doorknob and opened it. "I need to focus on Jessie; you need to get this guy. Just like you said, we can't get personal involved."
"Too late." Olivia whispered, fully recognizing her feelings then, finally allowing them to come up.
"Bye Olivia." Casey walked out the door.
Two days later Olivia arrived at Jessie's house. She wasn't really sure why she came; the only real reason to come over was to tell her that they had lost the latest lead. His alibi had checked out, but they were still trying.
With a gray baseball cap on her head and a large cheese pizza in her hands she rang the doorbell. As she waited and listened the chimes inside she wondered if she was really doing this to get to Casey. Win over her niece's friendship and maybe Casey would give her another shot.
"Hi." Olivia said as she door opened.
"Hi." Anngie, she just looked at the older woman with a confused look on her face, her hand staying on the partly opened door. "Oh..." Anngie said slowly, "You're the detective, Detective-?"
"Benson."
"Right Detective Benson. You and your partner asked me questions after that girl died."
"Right." Benson couldn't believe how awkward she felt, "Is Jessie home?" She almost flinched, she might as well had said, can Jessie come out and play?
"No she's been staying with her Aunt for the last few days. She just needs some time away from...here..."
"I understand." Olivia took a step back. "Thanks" She got back in her car and drove away.
Pressing her teeth together a little Olivia stood outside Casey's apartment, pizza in one hand, baseball cap now off and tossed in the backseat, wondering if she should go in. "Oh just suck it and do it Benson." Olivia muttered under her breathe. She took a deep breathe and pressed the right apartment number building.
After what seemed like forever a voice came back, "Who is it?" It was Jessie's voice.
"Hey Jessie, it's me, Olivia Benson, can I come up?"
There was a long pause before the answer finally came back, "Okay."
"I was just lifting." Jessie explained as she let Olivia into the apartment.
Olivia noticed it was the same shirt she had been wearing on the day she had first come into the station. "How have you been?"
Jessie shrugged, "I'm not sure. Okay I guess, I mean I still have a little trouble sleeping but okay I guess..." Jessie stopped, the next words being struggled out of her mouth. "I can't make it go away, the pain I mean. It was horrible." Jessie looked up at Olivia with those wide open eyes she had. "I feel like a weakling." She laughed, "You know in high school I was labeled as the bull dyke." She laughed again, shaking her head this time. "Bull dyke right...if I was a bull dyke I could have done something else."
"Hey, don't beat yourself up on this." Olivia reached forward with a comforting hand, "You did everything you could, besides you did the one thing you were supposed to do when you were threatened."
"What was that?"
"Survive."
***
Olivia was glad to see that Jessie had eaten most of the pizza. She was afraid she wouldn't eat anything.
"You know," Jessie mumbled around the last slice.
"What?" Olivia's mouth was also full and she was smiling, it had been a long time since she had sat around and eaten pizza with someone.
"My aunt likes you."
The pizza caught half way down Olivia's throat and she shoved it down the rest of the way. It went down like stones. "I know." Then in the same breathe, "I like her too."
"So why don't you marry her?"
Olivia looked up expecting to see Jessie's face telling her that she was kidding or giving her a hard time. But she wasn't. She was completely serious, her face deadpan as she waited for her answer. "It's not that simple honey."
"Why not? I mean...if it's the right person? I would, if I met the right person." Jessie's face was so innocent she looked like she was fourteen.
"I can't get personally involved." Olivia thought she sounded like a broken record.
Jessie smiled, "Hasn't that happened already? I mean it's not every day I get New York's finest bringing me pizza."
Olivia smiled, shook her head and looked down to hide her face. *You got me.* But she said was, "Can I use your bathroom?"
Jessie nodded, "Sure thing."
Olivia got up and went towards Jessie pointed, the very back of the apartment.
A smile on her face Jessie picked herself up off of the living room floor and started to clean up. As she was just throwing the plates in the sink there was a knock on her door. A smile still on her face she went to it and opened it without thinking. Her smile faded at once. It was him. She would recognize him anywhere; his face would be permanently marked into her memory until the day she died. And somewhere inside of Jessie she thought that day might be today because standing in front of her was the only man she had ever had sex with, the man who raped her. Tall, brown eyes, messy brown hair the fell in his eyes. Handsome really, if Jessie cared.
"Hi." He said softly and then Jessie opened her mouth to scream but he was expecting that, he was ready for it. He had come ready for anything. In the same moment he shut the door behind him and lunged himself at Jessie, clasping his hand over her mouth. Pushing her to the floor and putting his body weight on top of her she bit down on his hand as hard as she could. "Stupid lesbian!" He cursed out at her, pulling his hand back and clocking her one. From his back pocket he took out a rag and stuffed it in her mouth.
Jessie tilted her head and looked towards the back of the apartment desperately.
"Don't worry." He said, his voice soft and his mouth against her ear. "I'll be done with you before she gets out." His eyes seemed to get larger as he carefully placed his fingers around her neck.
Jessie noticed dimly through the fear and pain in her check that he was wearing gloves. He was so strong, so much stronger then last time and she was so scared now. She wondered this time how she'd get away.
"Don't worry." He almost soothed out, "I won't do you again, don't have the time. I'll just kill you and be on my way. No way no stupid dyke is gonna get the best of me." His fingers were getting tighter and tighter with each word he spoke.
Jessie's vision started to blur as she felt the cut off of oxygen. Dimly, as her sight got worse and her eyes started to roll into the back of her head she noticed that the side of his head was bleeding. The side that had been poorly bandaged. That made her smile.
*Through a world wind of water Jessie, eight years old, popped her head out of the water and supported herself on the edge.
A moment later another head popped up along side her. Also eight and smiling as Anngie took the spot on the swimming pool wall next to her best friend.
"Took you long enough Ann." Jessie teased.
"You go too fast for me." Anngie confessed, out of breathe.
"Hey you wanna see who can hold their breath the longest?" Jessie asked.
"Okay!" Anngie agreed happily and neither of them being the best at swimming they dog paddled out away from the wall.
"One, two, three-"Jessie counted off and at three they both, holding their noses went under. Under the water Jessie opened her eyes to see Anngie; she was only a foot away her eyes closed. As her eyes started to burn against the chlorine Jessie shut them. She could feel her lungs were starting to hurt and she was dying for air. But she had to stay under, she had to beat Anngie. If she didn't Anngie wouldn't let her live it down. Then as her throat started to hurt too Jessie decided it was long enough, she must have won by now and removed her hand from her nose and started to swim towards the top. But she couldn't, something was holding down at the bottom of the pool. She started to scream for Anngie's help but she only swallowed water that burned her throat even more. She was kicking her legs and flailing her arms but it was no use. She was drowning and the black stops were getting bigger and bigger under Jessie just felt herself starting to drift away...*
Jessie's eyes suddenly opened and she gasped for breathe but nothing came. Something was in her mouth. She moved her hand to remove whatever was blocking her air. She wasn't being held down anymore, the heavy weight on her legs and chest was gone. She half spit out, have pulled the rag out of her mouth. A little weak and memory of what was going on was quickly coming back to her as she sat up. She was lying in the doorway and there in the hallway was Olivia, her hand on her holster, trying almost frantically to unsnap it. There he was, the man that had raped her, almost killed her a second time and now he was advancing on Olivia, her friend. That was truly the last thing Jessie remembered.
***
Olivia had just finished washing up her hands in the bathroom when she looked down to see on the edge of the porcelain sink a cheap plastic red cup holding a single blue toothbrush. A tiny smile creeping across her lips Olivia picked up the cup and turned it around in her hands. There on one side, in colorful puffy paints were the words, "Happy birthday" and underneath that was, "Greatest aunt ever!!!" At the very bottom in smaller puffy paint letters was, "Jessie: Age 6" Olivia put the cup back down and walked out of the bathroom.
Words were on the tip of her tongue as she walked out of the hallway and into the living room. There on the floor was Jessie, her eyes were closed and on top of her was a man. A young man really, middle twenties. Olivia's eyes widen in surprise, shock, fear and anger as her right hand moved to unsnap her holster.
But he heard her and left Jessie. Before Olivia could get the stupid gun out he was already almost on top of her. The force of the his blow sent Olivia flying back, her head hitting something, something that was deeply painful. Later she would find out it was the corner of the end table. And that was the last thing Olivia remembered.
When Olivia opened her eyes again she noticed two things, a headache and Jessie. She was standing a few feet away, standing up on her feet, her face showing the signs of an early bruise. She was kicking something; Olivia blinked and saw it was the man. The perp, the rapist. He was lying very still on his side, Olivia couldn't see his face.
Jessie just kept on kicking him, in the head, on the stomach. There was this horrible pain on her face as she scrunched up her skin tighter and tighter with each kick.
Olivia was up on her feet and wrapping her arms around Jessie before she realized she had even started to get up. "He's dead." Olivia whispered, pushing Jessie as far away from everything as she could. "It's okay, it's okay. He's dead." She just kept repeating those four words over and over again. "It's okay. He's dead."
Olivia's arms were around her, she was holding her and that was the next thing Jessie remembered. Pushing herself away slightly Jessie saw his body, his eyes were wide open and his mouth was open in silent pain. It came rushing back to her then, she had killed a man. "Olivia." Jessie choked out, tears welling up in her eyes.
"It's okay honey, it's okay." Olivia said and then hugged her again, harder this time.
"Olivia." Jessie sobbed out and then when the first tear dropped down to the floor she suddenly realized how tired, weak and defeated she was. As if all energy had been suddenly sucked out by every pore in her skin Jessie fell to the carpet.
Olivia fell with her, still hugging her. Her shoulder became wet with Jessie's hot tears of pain and grief and torment. She closed her eyes tight.
****************** Four weeks later ******************
Olivia rang the apartment number.
"Hello?" The ADA's voice rang out.
"It's me." Olivia said simply.
"Come on up." Casey said without hesitation.
The door to Casey's apartment was open, boxes all sizes; all marked in black marker lined the hallway.
Stepping over the boxes to keep from tripping Olivia came into the apartment.
Standing in the middle, surrounded on all sides by boxes and a blue handkerchief too keep her hair out of her eyes stood Casey Novak. Armed with a black marker in one hand and a roll of boxing tape in the other she looked up and a smile came to her lips. "Hey." She said sweetly.
Olivia, fearing for awkward silence jumped right in. "All of Jessie's stuff is gone?"
"Yup, we just got her moved back in with Anngie last night."
"Wish you had called, I could have helped move."
There was a smile on Casey's lips as she explained, "Well it was one in the morning when Jessie decided it was time to go back and by the time we had everything packed it was already going on three."
"Sounds like a busy night." Off of Casey's nod Olivia asked, "So you probably haven't had a chance to eat yet with all of your packing."
"Yeah, I just...I just don't think I can stay here anymore." Casey said, completely sidestepping the detective's question.
"How about I take you out to breakfast? Or lunch, since it's past noon already."
"No okay. Thanks detective."
"Well at least let me help you finish packing."
After thinking this over completely Casey finally caved in, "Alright, you can start filling this box with those books stacked up over there." Casey pointed to a stack of books on the dinning room table that looked like they were going to topple over at any second.
Olivia moved over to them. "How's Jessie's doing?"
"Good." Casey stopped to stand, putting her hands on her hips. "I'm glad she finally got out of here. Not that I didn't want her around, I mean she lived with me for two years, I got use to her quirks but I'm glad she went back to live with Anngie, that was a huge step for her."
"Yeah." Olivia stood on her tip toes to take the top five books off the tower and then laid them down in the box. "How's she doing with everything else?"
"Alright I guess. She hasn't talked to me about the therapist appointments or anything. Most of me is really glad she got off on self defense but..."
Olivia looked up to see Casey was looking at her with those eyes, those huge eyes.
"My Jessie Bear killed a guy. What am I suppose to say or-?"
"I killed a man before."
Casey looked up, surprised by Olivia's words.
"In the line of duty. A few years back. This guy had beaten his wife nearly to death and then as soon as he got out of the slammer he came back to finish off the job. So he's standing there, his wife, terrified at his feet. And my partner and I both have our guns on him and...he lifts his gun away from her towards and Elliot and..." Olivia paused, searching for the words as her eyes burned into the carpet. "I didn't even think. My gun just went off." Olivia forced out a smile.
"But this was different...I mean...she..."
"Not so much really." Olivia offered gently, cutting off Casey's words, not wanting her to finish.
Casey tried to force out a smile but she couldn't. She brought her thumb up to her mouth and chewed mindlessly at the nail for a moment. Then her eyes caught that the tower of leaning books was leaning more and was starting to fall. Without thinking Casey ran over to grab them but it was too late.
As the books rained down on both of them the mood broke and they grabbed each other's hands and started laughing.
***
Jessie stood to the entrance of her old room, a box under one arm and her duffel bag around her shoulder. The walls were bare and the place was pilled high with boxes and other shit they didn't use anymore.
"We switched rooms." Anngie said softly, coming up behind her, caring more of Jessie's stuff. She let it drop on the floor and then wrapped her arms around Jessie's midsection and laid her chin on Jessie's shoulder. "I moved all your stuff into my room."
"Yeah well where are you gonna sleep?" Jessie asked, turning around to face her.
"There's the bedroom in the basement."
"Do you really want to sleep down there?" Jessie asked concern on her face.
"Sure why not. I've slept down there before. Remember when Grandpa and Grandma were still alive and we spent that summer with them here. It was so cold down there we slept in the same bed?"
Jessie started smiling. "I remember. And then I..." She trailed off.
"And then you leaned over and kissed me." Anngie finished off for her.
Jessie nodded and she couldn't take the look Anngie was giving her anymore so she moved past her into Anngie's old room. She had done a good job of fixing it up. Jessie dropped all of her stuff on the floor and flopped herself down on the bed.
Anngie flopped down next to her.
After a while Jessie whispered, "Anngie I love you."
"I love you too dear heart." Anngie said easily.
Jessie propped her head up on her hand and looked at her. "No I really love you as in...as I'm in love with you."
"I don't know what to say to that Jessie Bear..." Anngie said slowly.
"You don't have to say anything." Jessie said quickly, "I know that you're dating the same guy you were in high school and I know he makes you happy...it's okay. I get it Ann, it's love. Lucky you." Jessie turned away.
"Sweetie." Anngie reached over and gently shook Jessie's shoulder till she was looking at her. "I do love you, as in love, love you." Anngie leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. After a brief moment she pulled back. "But I can't..."
"I understand." Jessie couldn't meet her eyes,
"Maybe some day...but not now." Anngie hugged Jessie tightly and they just stayed like that, perfectly content in the other's embrace.
***
Olivia was the first to stop laughing, she let go of Casey's hands. "I should go." She whispered.
There was disappointment in Casey's eyes. "Yeah...you should." As Olivia walked out the door Casey called out, "Thanks for your help."
"I think I made more of mess then helping." Olivia laughed lightly, "See you at work Novak." And then she walked out.
***
The next morning was Saturday and once again Olivia found herself, sitting in her car outside of Casey Novak's apartment. She had lost count. She had tried to go to work but Elliot's words had finally forced her here. Olivia knew the moving van would be there soon but she wanted to catch Casey before she left. She wasn't sure what she would say to her but...she felt that if it was right, when the time came she would know what to say.
It had started raining half way there and Olivia was just losing all nerve when a very rain soaked ADA came running down the sidewalk. Her light gray jacket was now dark gray with rain and her hair, pulled back, was drenched. Olivia told her to suck it up and then got out of the car.
"Detective." Casey said as she saw Olivia crossing the street. "This is a surprise."
"Hey Casey." Olivia said softly as they got close.
"Hi Olivia." Casey whispered back.
"I've been thinking..." She started out but Casey stopped her by putting up a hand.
"We said we weren't gonna get emotionally involved." Casey whipped away a few rain drops in her eye.
Olivia laughed and looked up at the sky, the rain drops kissing her skin. "Too late Casey! It was too late a very long time ago."
"How long ago is a long time ago?"
"When you pulled that little kid out of the cooler." Olivia told her honestly.
Casey was fully shocked, that was her first day of work, she had no idea that the beautiful detective had feelings for her for that long.
Olivia took a step closer, carefully taking one of Casey's hands in her own. "I love Jessie." She said truthfully, "I mean she's an amazing kid, she still had some growing up to do but...when she does she's gonna make such a wonderful woman and...and Casey for all sense and purposes you raised her, she's an amazing kid and will be a wonderful woman because of you. You're a wonderful woman."
"Olivia." Casey breathed out, little drops of rain spurting from her lips as she said the one word.
"I love you. I tried for so long to stop myself from feeling these feelings but within the last few months...I couldn't stop them anymore." Olivia, feeling bold, took a step back and opened her arms wide to the rain and hollered out, "I love you Casey Novak!"
Her eyes wide Casey reached forward and grabbed Olivia, hushing her.
"I won't stop until you tell me how you feel." Olivia told her, a huge grin on her face.
Casey was laughing, "You're a crazy nut you know that?"
"A crazy nut you could love?"
Olivia's smile was so warm and loving that she couldn't stop herself anymore "Yes." She admitted, "I could love a crazy nut." With that Casey pulled Olivia to her.
And in the middle of the sidewalk and the rainstorm Olivia and Casey locked lips and kissed. After a while they pulled back and smiled at each other, and then they kissed again.
The end
***
Two cups of tea later for each other them they both found themselves fully comfortable and at ease.
"You seem like you would have been more of a cheerleader type," Olivia mused over her cup of tea.
"I could have been," Casey said, from where she sat on the opposite side of the couch. In all honesty she didn't think in a million years she'd be sitting on Detective Olivia Benson's couch, drinking orange flavored tea and recalling high school. "But I loved softball too much. What about you? Class president or year book editor or something popular and fabulous like."
Olivia blushed slightly and took a long drink before answering, "No..." She said slowly, extending her right leg out in front of her, only to tuck it back under the other one. "I never went in for any of that. I was one of those loners."
"Really?" Casey asked, surprised. "I would have though for sure you'd be prom queen or something." She took another drink, "So why not go out for anything?"
Olivia shrugged, "I don't know. It never really appealed to me. And I think growing up without a father hit me a lot harder then it did with other kids who only had one parent."
"What happened with your dad?" As soon as the words left Casey's mouth she saw the pained look on Olivia's face and she wished she could take the question back. "That's okay." She said quickly.
Olivia glanced out the window for something to do, to take her mind off of the matter at hand and said, "Hey look, sun's coming out."
Casey turned slightly, "Yeah look at that. The hours just flew by." In silence they watched the sun start to peak up and shine light rays everywhere. After a little while Casey turned back to Olivia, waiting to catch her eye before asking, "Do you think that-?"
Olivia shook her slowly; she knew what Casey was asking. "No...I don't think so. I can't risk...all of this."
"I understand." Casey stood up, fully hurt and headed for her coat. "I need to get to the hospital, Jessie's being released today, I need to be there for her."
"Can I drive you or something?" Olivia felt horrible for hurting Casey and mad at herself for pushing away her feelings, yet again.
"No." Casey put her hand on the doorknob and opened it. "I need to focus on Jessie; you need to get this guy. Just like you said, we can't get personal involved."
"Too late." Olivia whispered, fully recognizing her feelings then, finally allowing them to come up.
"Bye Olivia." Casey walked out the door.
Two days later Olivia arrived at Jessie's house. She wasn't really sure why she came; the only real reason to come over was to tell her that they had lost the latest lead. His alibi had checked out, but they were still trying.
With a gray baseball cap on her head and a large cheese pizza in her hands she rang the doorbell. As she waited and listened the chimes inside she wondered if she was really doing this to get to Casey. Win over her niece's friendship and maybe Casey would give her another shot.
"Hi." Olivia said as she door opened.
"Hi." Anngie, she just looked at the older woman with a confused look on her face, her hand staying on the partly opened door. "Oh..." Anngie said slowly, "You're the detective, Detective-?"
"Benson."
"Right Detective Benson. You and your partner asked me questions after that girl died."
"Right." Benson couldn't believe how awkward she felt, "Is Jessie home?" She almost flinched, she might as well had said, can Jessie come out and play?
"No she's been staying with her Aunt for the last few days. She just needs some time away from...here..."
"I understand." Olivia took a step back. "Thanks" She got back in her car and drove away.
Pressing her teeth together a little Olivia stood outside Casey's apartment, pizza in one hand, baseball cap now off and tossed in the backseat, wondering if she should go in. "Oh just suck it and do it Benson." Olivia muttered under her breathe. She took a deep breathe and pressed the right apartment number building.
After what seemed like forever a voice came back, "Who is it?" It was Jessie's voice.
"Hey Jessie, it's me, Olivia Benson, can I come up?"
There was a long pause before the answer finally came back, "Okay."
"I was just lifting." Jessie explained as she let Olivia into the apartment.
Olivia noticed it was the same shirt she had been wearing on the day she had first come into the station. "How have you been?"
Jessie shrugged, "I'm not sure. Okay I guess, I mean I still have a little trouble sleeping but okay I guess..." Jessie stopped, the next words being struggled out of her mouth. "I can't make it go away, the pain I mean. It was horrible." Jessie looked up at Olivia with those wide open eyes she had. "I feel like a weakling." She laughed, "You know in high school I was labeled as the bull dyke." She laughed again, shaking her head this time. "Bull dyke right...if I was a bull dyke I could have done something else."
"Hey, don't beat yourself up on this." Olivia reached forward with a comforting hand, "You did everything you could, besides you did the one thing you were supposed to do when you were threatened."
"What was that?"
"Survive."
***
Olivia was glad to see that Jessie had eaten most of the pizza. She was afraid she wouldn't eat anything.
"You know," Jessie mumbled around the last slice.
"What?" Olivia's mouth was also full and she was smiling, it had been a long time since she had sat around and eaten pizza with someone.
"My aunt likes you."
The pizza caught half way down Olivia's throat and she shoved it down the rest of the way. It went down like stones. "I know." Then in the same breathe, "I like her too."
"So why don't you marry her?"
Olivia looked up expecting to see Jessie's face telling her that she was kidding or giving her a hard time. But she wasn't. She was completely serious, her face deadpan as she waited for her answer. "It's not that simple honey."
"Why not? I mean...if it's the right person? I would, if I met the right person." Jessie's face was so innocent she looked like she was fourteen.
"I can't get personally involved." Olivia thought she sounded like a broken record.
Jessie smiled, "Hasn't that happened already? I mean it's not every day I get New York's finest bringing me pizza."
Olivia smiled, shook her head and looked down to hide her face. *You got me.* But she said was, "Can I use your bathroom?"
Jessie nodded, "Sure thing."
Olivia got up and went towards Jessie pointed, the very back of the apartment.
A smile on her face Jessie picked herself up off of the living room floor and started to clean up. As she was just throwing the plates in the sink there was a knock on her door. A smile still on her face she went to it and opened it without thinking. Her smile faded at once. It was him. She would recognize him anywhere; his face would be permanently marked into her memory until the day she died. And somewhere inside of Jessie she thought that day might be today because standing in front of her was the only man she had ever had sex with, the man who raped her. Tall, brown eyes, messy brown hair the fell in his eyes. Handsome really, if Jessie cared.
"Hi." He said softly and then Jessie opened her mouth to scream but he was expecting that, he was ready for it. He had come ready for anything. In the same moment he shut the door behind him and lunged himself at Jessie, clasping his hand over her mouth. Pushing her to the floor and putting his body weight on top of her she bit down on his hand as hard as she could. "Stupid lesbian!" He cursed out at her, pulling his hand back and clocking her one. From his back pocket he took out a rag and stuffed it in her mouth.
Jessie tilted her head and looked towards the back of the apartment desperately.
"Don't worry." He said, his voice soft and his mouth against her ear. "I'll be done with you before she gets out." His eyes seemed to get larger as he carefully placed his fingers around her neck.
Jessie noticed dimly through the fear and pain in her check that he was wearing gloves. He was so strong, so much stronger then last time and she was so scared now. She wondered this time how she'd get away.
"Don't worry." He almost soothed out, "I won't do you again, don't have the time. I'll just kill you and be on my way. No way no stupid dyke is gonna get the best of me." His fingers were getting tighter and tighter with each word he spoke.
Jessie's vision started to blur as she felt the cut off of oxygen. Dimly, as her sight got worse and her eyes started to roll into the back of her head she noticed that the side of his head was bleeding. The side that had been poorly bandaged. That made her smile.
*Through a world wind of water Jessie, eight years old, popped her head out of the water and supported herself on the edge.
A moment later another head popped up along side her. Also eight and smiling as Anngie took the spot on the swimming pool wall next to her best friend.
"Took you long enough Ann." Jessie teased.
"You go too fast for me." Anngie confessed, out of breathe.
"Hey you wanna see who can hold their breath the longest?" Jessie asked.
"Okay!" Anngie agreed happily and neither of them being the best at swimming they dog paddled out away from the wall.
"One, two, three-"Jessie counted off and at three they both, holding their noses went under. Under the water Jessie opened her eyes to see Anngie; she was only a foot away her eyes closed. As her eyes started to burn against the chlorine Jessie shut them. She could feel her lungs were starting to hurt and she was dying for air. But she had to stay under, she had to beat Anngie. If she didn't Anngie wouldn't let her live it down. Then as her throat started to hurt too Jessie decided it was long enough, she must have won by now and removed her hand from her nose and started to swim towards the top. But she couldn't, something was holding down at the bottom of the pool. She started to scream for Anngie's help but she only swallowed water that burned her throat even more. She was kicking her legs and flailing her arms but it was no use. She was drowning and the black stops were getting bigger and bigger under Jessie just felt herself starting to drift away...*
Jessie's eyes suddenly opened and she gasped for breathe but nothing came. Something was in her mouth. She moved her hand to remove whatever was blocking her air. She wasn't being held down anymore, the heavy weight on her legs and chest was gone. She half spit out, have pulled the rag out of her mouth. A little weak and memory of what was going on was quickly coming back to her as she sat up. She was lying in the doorway and there in the hallway was Olivia, her hand on her holster, trying almost frantically to unsnap it. There he was, the man that had raped her, almost killed her a second time and now he was advancing on Olivia, her friend. That was truly the last thing Jessie remembered.
***
Olivia had just finished washing up her hands in the bathroom when she looked down to see on the edge of the porcelain sink a cheap plastic red cup holding a single blue toothbrush. A tiny smile creeping across her lips Olivia picked up the cup and turned it around in her hands. There on one side, in colorful puffy paints were the words, "Happy birthday" and underneath that was, "Greatest aunt ever!!!" At the very bottom in smaller puffy paint letters was, "Jessie: Age 6" Olivia put the cup back down and walked out of the bathroom.
Words were on the tip of her tongue as she walked out of the hallway and into the living room. There on the floor was Jessie, her eyes were closed and on top of her was a man. A young man really, middle twenties. Olivia's eyes widen in surprise, shock, fear and anger as her right hand moved to unsnap her holster.
But he heard her and left Jessie. Before Olivia could get the stupid gun out he was already almost on top of her. The force of the his blow sent Olivia flying back, her head hitting something, something that was deeply painful. Later she would find out it was the corner of the end table. And that was the last thing Olivia remembered.
When Olivia opened her eyes again she noticed two things, a headache and Jessie. She was standing a few feet away, standing up on her feet, her face showing the signs of an early bruise. She was kicking something; Olivia blinked and saw it was the man. The perp, the rapist. He was lying very still on his side, Olivia couldn't see his face.
Jessie just kept on kicking him, in the head, on the stomach. There was this horrible pain on her face as she scrunched up her skin tighter and tighter with each kick.
Olivia was up on her feet and wrapping her arms around Jessie before she realized she had even started to get up. "He's dead." Olivia whispered, pushing Jessie as far away from everything as she could. "It's okay, it's okay. He's dead." She just kept repeating those four words over and over again. "It's okay. He's dead."
Olivia's arms were around her, she was holding her and that was the next thing Jessie remembered. Pushing herself away slightly Jessie saw his body, his eyes were wide open and his mouth was open in silent pain. It came rushing back to her then, she had killed a man. "Olivia." Jessie choked out, tears welling up in her eyes.
"It's okay honey, it's okay." Olivia said and then hugged her again, harder this time.
"Olivia." Jessie sobbed out and then when the first tear dropped down to the floor she suddenly realized how tired, weak and defeated she was. As if all energy had been suddenly sucked out by every pore in her skin Jessie fell to the carpet.
Olivia fell with her, still hugging her. Her shoulder became wet with Jessie's hot tears of pain and grief and torment. She closed her eyes tight.
****************** Four weeks later ******************
Olivia rang the apartment number.
"Hello?" The ADA's voice rang out.
"It's me." Olivia said simply.
"Come on up." Casey said without hesitation.
The door to Casey's apartment was open, boxes all sizes; all marked in black marker lined the hallway.
Stepping over the boxes to keep from tripping Olivia came into the apartment.
Standing in the middle, surrounded on all sides by boxes and a blue handkerchief too keep her hair out of her eyes stood Casey Novak. Armed with a black marker in one hand and a roll of boxing tape in the other she looked up and a smile came to her lips. "Hey." She said sweetly.
Olivia, fearing for awkward silence jumped right in. "All of Jessie's stuff is gone?"
"Yup, we just got her moved back in with Anngie last night."
"Wish you had called, I could have helped move."
There was a smile on Casey's lips as she explained, "Well it was one in the morning when Jessie decided it was time to go back and by the time we had everything packed it was already going on three."
"Sounds like a busy night." Off of Casey's nod Olivia asked, "So you probably haven't had a chance to eat yet with all of your packing."
"Yeah, I just...I just don't think I can stay here anymore." Casey said, completely sidestepping the detective's question.
"How about I take you out to breakfast? Or lunch, since it's past noon already."
"No okay. Thanks detective."
"Well at least let me help you finish packing."
After thinking this over completely Casey finally caved in, "Alright, you can start filling this box with those books stacked up over there." Casey pointed to a stack of books on the dinning room table that looked like they were going to topple over at any second.
Olivia moved over to them. "How's Jessie's doing?"
"Good." Casey stopped to stand, putting her hands on her hips. "I'm glad she finally got out of here. Not that I didn't want her around, I mean she lived with me for two years, I got use to her quirks but I'm glad she went back to live with Anngie, that was a huge step for her."
"Yeah." Olivia stood on her tip toes to take the top five books off the tower and then laid them down in the box. "How's she doing with everything else?"
"Alright I guess. She hasn't talked to me about the therapist appointments or anything. Most of me is really glad she got off on self defense but..."
Olivia looked up to see Casey was looking at her with those eyes, those huge eyes.
"My Jessie Bear killed a guy. What am I suppose to say or-?"
"I killed a man before."
Casey looked up, surprised by Olivia's words.
"In the line of duty. A few years back. This guy had beaten his wife nearly to death and then as soon as he got out of the slammer he came back to finish off the job. So he's standing there, his wife, terrified at his feet. And my partner and I both have our guns on him and...he lifts his gun away from her towards and Elliot and..." Olivia paused, searching for the words as her eyes burned into the carpet. "I didn't even think. My gun just went off." Olivia forced out a smile.
"But this was different...I mean...she..."
"Not so much really." Olivia offered gently, cutting off Casey's words, not wanting her to finish.
Casey tried to force out a smile but she couldn't. She brought her thumb up to her mouth and chewed mindlessly at the nail for a moment. Then her eyes caught that the tower of leaning books was leaning more and was starting to fall. Without thinking Casey ran over to grab them but it was too late.
As the books rained down on both of them the mood broke and they grabbed each other's hands and started laughing.
***
Jessie stood to the entrance of her old room, a box under one arm and her duffel bag around her shoulder. The walls were bare and the place was pilled high with boxes and other shit they didn't use anymore.
"We switched rooms." Anngie said softly, coming up behind her, caring more of Jessie's stuff. She let it drop on the floor and then wrapped her arms around Jessie's midsection and laid her chin on Jessie's shoulder. "I moved all your stuff into my room."
"Yeah well where are you gonna sleep?" Jessie asked, turning around to face her.
"There's the bedroom in the basement."
"Do you really want to sleep down there?" Jessie asked concern on her face.
"Sure why not. I've slept down there before. Remember when Grandpa and Grandma were still alive and we spent that summer with them here. It was so cold down there we slept in the same bed?"
Jessie started smiling. "I remember. And then I..." She trailed off.
"And then you leaned over and kissed me." Anngie finished off for her.
Jessie nodded and she couldn't take the look Anngie was giving her anymore so she moved past her into Anngie's old room. She had done a good job of fixing it up. Jessie dropped all of her stuff on the floor and flopped herself down on the bed.
Anngie flopped down next to her.
After a while Jessie whispered, "Anngie I love you."
"I love you too dear heart." Anngie said easily.
Jessie propped her head up on her hand and looked at her. "No I really love you as in...as I'm in love with you."
"I don't know what to say to that Jessie Bear..." Anngie said slowly.
"You don't have to say anything." Jessie said quickly, "I know that you're dating the same guy you were in high school and I know he makes you happy...it's okay. I get it Ann, it's love. Lucky you." Jessie turned away.
"Sweetie." Anngie reached over and gently shook Jessie's shoulder till she was looking at her. "I do love you, as in love, love you." Anngie leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. After a brief moment she pulled back. "But I can't..."
"I understand." Jessie couldn't meet her eyes,
"Maybe some day...but not now." Anngie hugged Jessie tightly and they just stayed like that, perfectly content in the other's embrace.
***
Olivia was the first to stop laughing, she let go of Casey's hands. "I should go." She whispered.
There was disappointment in Casey's eyes. "Yeah...you should." As Olivia walked out the door Casey called out, "Thanks for your help."
"I think I made more of mess then helping." Olivia laughed lightly, "See you at work Novak." And then she walked out.
***
The next morning was Saturday and once again Olivia found herself, sitting in her car outside of Casey Novak's apartment. She had lost count. She had tried to go to work but Elliot's words had finally forced her here. Olivia knew the moving van would be there soon but she wanted to catch Casey before she left. She wasn't sure what she would say to her but...she felt that if it was right, when the time came she would know what to say.
It had started raining half way there and Olivia was just losing all nerve when a very rain soaked ADA came running down the sidewalk. Her light gray jacket was now dark gray with rain and her hair, pulled back, was drenched. Olivia told her to suck it up and then got out of the car.
"Detective." Casey said as she saw Olivia crossing the street. "This is a surprise."
"Hey Casey." Olivia said softly as they got close.
"Hi Olivia." Casey whispered back.
"I've been thinking..." She started out but Casey stopped her by putting up a hand.
"We said we weren't gonna get emotionally involved." Casey whipped away a few rain drops in her eye.
Olivia laughed and looked up at the sky, the rain drops kissing her skin. "Too late Casey! It was too late a very long time ago."
"How long ago is a long time ago?"
"When you pulled that little kid out of the cooler." Olivia told her honestly.
Casey was fully shocked, that was her first day of work, she had no idea that the beautiful detective had feelings for her for that long.
Olivia took a step closer, carefully taking one of Casey's hands in her own. "I love Jessie." She said truthfully, "I mean she's an amazing kid, she still had some growing up to do but...when she does she's gonna make such a wonderful woman and...and Casey for all sense and purposes you raised her, she's an amazing kid and will be a wonderful woman because of you. You're a wonderful woman."
"Olivia." Casey breathed out, little drops of rain spurting from her lips as she said the one word.
"I love you. I tried for so long to stop myself from feeling these feelings but within the last few months...I couldn't stop them anymore." Olivia, feeling bold, took a step back and opened her arms wide to the rain and hollered out, "I love you Casey Novak!"
Her eyes wide Casey reached forward and grabbed Olivia, hushing her.
"I won't stop until you tell me how you feel." Olivia told her, a huge grin on her face.
Casey was laughing, "You're a crazy nut you know that?"
"A crazy nut you could love?"
Olivia's smile was so warm and loving that she couldn't stop herself anymore "Yes." She admitted, "I could love a crazy nut." With that Casey pulled Olivia to her.
And in the middle of the sidewalk and the rainstorm Olivia and Casey locked lips and kissed. After a while they pulled back and smiled at each other, and then they kissed again.
The end