Not Turning Back
By shukuchi
Dedicated to everyone who reviews my fanfics(hint hint)
Joker was strong. If we had the fight he wanted, I doubt I would've won. He clearly could've kept fighting in our first match.
But....
How could I have trusted him? Just run away without even considering that he might not be as strong as he acted? No one that I can contact witnessed those last moments, what if I could've saved him? What if....
I know I felt him die, felt the weapon creating that last dark portal, but I suppressed all urges to return. He was Joker, how could he not be fine? Even trying to imagine him bruised is hard, because he's just not the type to get injured. But maybe if I had run when I felt that twinge, I would've been able to save him. Maybe....
There was someone else there when I left. I know there was! It was a girl... I think she could change her age... it can be hard to remember the past when every fiber of your being wants to forget it. But... the girl... was she sucked up as well? I haven't seen her since then... but even if I had stayed in modern Japan, I doubt I would've. The instinct to just run away from everything, especially the past, can kick in hard after you quit the Uruha. Having to always remember what you've done, the faces of all you killed forever burned into your memory, while the nagging wonders of "did they have a family" will never go away... Worse than that, being stuck knowing that you threw away your personality, who you were, for just a bit more power. And was it worth it?
No. it never is.
In the end, I chose Kurei over the others. I think that I did so mainly for Joker. It's just that I didn't see him, and the others were just going to let Kurei leave. Joker would've said something to keep him here, like that the past was bad but it was over and an advantage of being Mori Kurei was that it was easy to pick up chicks, or something like that.
But I didn't see Joker.
And I didn't want Kurei to be alone.
So I followed him, but in way-back-when Japan, every night's a strain. Getting food is almost impossible, and along with that, we have to constantly hide from war-crazed armies. And in this era, Kurei acts like a ghost. All his time is spent thinking, and getting him to respond to me is like trying to burn a flame-master with a birthday cake candle. I'd really rather be with Recca and the others, gaining popularity at school....
But I chose this. Now I don't have a way to go back, but it was a once in a lifetime decision. I just didn't want to regret... yet now I wonder, if I had stayed, what would I have become? A great mathematician or scientist? Would Neon have jumped through the portal instead? I feel guilty even thinking about it but still...
But I chose here. This time when I felt the pain, I turned back. I remembered the past where Kurei cared for me and I ran for the door. Was I in time to save him from the black hole? I don't know. But either way I understand that what I did was right.
Thank you Joker. You showed me the right path, and I was not afraid to tread it. That is why, no matter what happens, I will try not to regret or look back. Not even if I feel your death behind me. Because that's who I am, and this is where I am.
I hope you find peace in the next world.
Goodbye.
Joker was strong. If we had the fight he wanted, I doubt I would've won. He clearly could've kept fighting in our first match.
But....
How could I have trusted him? Just run away without even considering that he might not be as strong as he acted? No one that I can contact witnessed those last moments, what if I could've saved him? What if....
I know I felt him die, felt the weapon creating that last dark portal, but I suppressed all urges to return. He was Joker, how could he not be fine? Even trying to imagine him bruised is hard, because he's just not the type to get injured. But maybe if I had run when I felt that twinge, I would've been able to save him. Maybe....
There was someone else there when I left. I know there was! It was a girl... I think she could change her age... it can be hard to remember the past when every fiber of your being wants to forget it. But... the girl... was she sucked up as well? I haven't seen her since then... but even if I had stayed in modern Japan, I doubt I would've. The instinct to just run away from everything, especially the past, can kick in hard after you quit the Uruha. Having to always remember what you've done, the faces of all you killed forever burned into your memory, while the nagging wonders of "did they have a family" will never go away... Worse than that, being stuck knowing that you threw away your personality, who you were, for just a bit more power. And was it worth it?
No. it never is.
In the end, I chose Kurei over the others. I think that I did so mainly for Joker. It's just that I didn't see him, and the others were just going to let Kurei leave. Joker would've said something to keep him here, like that the past was bad but it was over and an advantage of being Mori Kurei was that it was easy to pick up chicks, or something like that.
But I didn't see Joker.
And I didn't want Kurei to be alone.
So I followed him, but in way-back-when Japan, every night's a strain. Getting food is almost impossible, and along with that, we have to constantly hide from war-crazed armies. And in this era, Kurei acts like a ghost. All his time is spent thinking, and getting him to respond to me is like trying to burn a flame-master with a birthday cake candle. I'd really rather be with Recca and the others, gaining popularity at school....
But I chose this. Now I don't have a way to go back, but it was a once in a lifetime decision. I just didn't want to regret... yet now I wonder, if I had stayed, what would I have become? A great mathematician or scientist? Would Neon have jumped through the portal instead? I feel guilty even thinking about it but still...
But I chose here. This time when I felt the pain, I turned back. I remembered the past where Kurei cared for me and I ran for the door. Was I in time to save him from the black hole? I don't know. But either way I understand that what I did was right.
Thank you Joker. You showed me the right path, and I was not afraid to tread it. That is why, no matter what happens, I will try not to regret or look back. Not even if I feel your death behind me. Because that's who I am, and this is where I am.
I hope you find peace in the next world.
Goodbye.