Chapter Eleven
Guilt and Despair
A/N: This chapter is going to be pretty intense from Cho's point of view. I'm not going to say anything, just read and find out. And all the thoughts that someone is going to die? I'll keep it to myself. Sorry if I took a little too long in this chapter, I actually had started it first and then I erased the whole thing and redid it! ^_^
Dragoon knight – Keep your cool! I'm writing as fast as I can! I currently have to update three ffs in such urgent demands! Lol, anyway here is the next chapter. It may come as a little shock to you – but the suspense will truly be in the chapter after this. Thanks for your review!
LogicalRaven – You'll have to wait and find out. ^_^ Thanks for your review!
Slimpun – Thanks for reviewing! You're new to me, so welcome to the dramatic life of Cho!! lol
At first I just held it. I didn't have any impulse to read it – none at all. I feared what it may say. But then I knew I must ... it couldn't be too bad after all. I took a deep breath and slowly I opened my eyes to read what it had to say:
**Dear Cho,
I'm sorry for what I have to do. Please don't feel anguished by me; it will only make my heart feel worst. Hermione, Ron and I saw a way how Voldemort can break through the shield of love and magic. We need to go as fast as we can, otherwise many lives will be in danger, including yours. Don't tell anyone about this please, they would have already found out about it anyway, but I don't want to cause so much of a panic.
If I do not return in a week then you know that the worst has come to me. If Hermione and Ron return, then demand them to tell what has happened to me, they might have an important message. But most of all don't worry for me. Keep your promise by not coming after me. Trust me please. I love you with all my heart Cho.
In my heart, mind and soul.
Harry.**
My heart sank lower then it ever had before. I sat on my bed just looking at the letter. He had left without me, and with my promise I couldn't run off and beg for him to come back before anything severe happens to him. Without the promise, I would have dragged him back to Hogwarts even if he kicked and screamed, but with it I was cursed.
The second paragraph worried me most, the one which said that if he didn't return in a week he'd probably have died. I didn't want to believe it of course. He had returned through every ordeal with Voldemort in less then a day. But then again this could be different – Voldemort could be stronger, and Harry just a little bit more obstinate. I ran a hand through my hair with concern. How could I not worry?
I folded the letter tenderly and placed it in my side drawer beside my dagger. As I turned the water on in the shower, tears started to trickle down my cheeks in slow and considerate waves. Water mingled with my own tears, I stood there crying softly with the imitation rain swathing my body in a cool blanket of sympathies. I could cry as long as I want to, and as much as I wanted to. It was a Saturday; everyone was out somewhere doing what they liked.
And here I was. Doing what I seemed to like to do often. Thoughts flew around my head like toy airplanes in constant dizzy circles. I knew that I had to accept what he was supposed to do. He was a hero, one in a million, and I was nothing against his strong will. I was nothing compared to him.
I looked at my hands. Each wrinkle on my fingers was my regrets. The wrinkles were deep, the regrets were deep. The wrinkles stood out, my regrets stood out. And like the wrinkles, they'd never be gone until I finally accepted them.
I wrapped myself in a warm towel and wiped the mirror clean from the steam that had appeared during my wash. My eyes were red and puffy, brown almonds protruded through them, looking depressed, disturbing – no contentment shone at all. My nose was pink, like a rabbit's, and I looked atrocious.
Overall, looking back at me through the mirror was a girl who used to be cheerful and beautiful. Someone who used to follow the rules and thought of only the best grades and impressing her parents. But slowly, through each traumatic event she had, it was slowly all going away – going to waste.
I dressed in a pale blue singlet and jeans then opened the bathroom door and sat on my bed. Paige was on her bed looking at some of her magazines. She looked up and saw my face. Frowning she said ", what's wrong?"
I knew I couldn't fool her. She knew me too well. "Today is starting out to be really terrible," I replied. "I feel like digging a hole and burying myself in it. "Paige game a welcoming smile and motioned me to a side by her bed. I went over and she put an arm around my shoulder in a sisterly gesture. She pushed her magazines aside with her free hand.
"Life can be really harsh, huh?"
"It isn't life," I said grudgingly. "It's the people in it." Paige nodded understandingly.
"Cho, nothing and no one can be perfect." Paige gave a hollow laugh. "Like I can't handle soppy situations as much as Rachel."
I gave a small smile. "Why must we have boyfriends?"
Paige looked at me with surprise.
"I mean," I said quickly. "Why do we have to test out so many boys till we finally have it right? Why can't it be just one boy, our soul mate, and the one boy we will be together with forever and that's it? No heartbreaks."
Paige looked at me thoughtfully. "I don't know, life isn't that easy."
"Wish it was."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That afternoon, I spent on my bed, trying to finish off some of my homework. But it was hopeless. Every so often my mind would crawl back to the letter and I found myself taking it out of the side drawer more than once.
After three hours, I had only written one paragraph of an essay for Professor Flitwick on Minor Forgetting Charms:
**Minor Forgetting Charms are very convenient in the Ministry, particularly in the Muggle Department, where it is used to alter the memories of Muggles when magic is accidentally exposed. These charms are used to modify a period of time in a human's short-term or long-term memory. These charms are also used in St Mungo's Hospital on traumatized patience. Those who have suffered from a dramatic ordeal are sent into Minor Forgetting Charm Treatments. Even though these Charms are reversible, they can be very hazardous and are prohibited for usage without the consent of the ministry itself and under supervision of a professional. **
I rolled up the parchment, another hour and I wouldn't have done much else either. I lay on my back thinking of what Harry, Hermione and Ron might be doing right now. Maybe they were already on their way back and I was just concerned for nothing. I tried to imagine the scene that took place.
Harry, face sweating and a little bit limping, smiling through the wreck around him at his victory. Hermione beside him, bending down to catch her breath but grinning nonetheless, her brain twice as large as before with the knowledge she had of the battle. Ron dancing in joy, making comments on how they defeated Voldemort, punching the air – twice. Two heroes and a heroine making their way back to Hogwarts jubilantly.
But another image played in my mind.
Harry against Voldemort, struggling against his new strength. Hermione shouting out instructions with a hoarse voice, all astuteness switched with terror. Ron lying beside her with a gash across her forehead. I gave a short whimper and stood up with more anxiety then I had before. How could they do this to me?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The days slowly passed by. Each worst then the one before.
On Sunday my heart started to beat faster and faster, as if I were partaking in a hundred meter sprint. I couldn't sleep all night and on Monday I woke up with black circles under my eyes and every girl in Ravenclaw asking me if something was wrong. But soon they realized that Harry, Hermione and Ron were missing when Professor Dumbledore announced this at breakfast. I covered my eyes, when he announced it; it made it sound even worst. I could see that Dumbledore was upset at them.
His blue eyes shone a warning to them, wherever they were. If that didn't make them come back, nothing would.
On Tuesday I knew the worst had come to them when they still had not returned.
By Thursday I was ready to hang myself outside the window of my dormitory, but I told myself to hang on and wait. I needed to trust him with my heart and wait like every other person. My palms became constantly red and sweaty from my anxiety. Nail marks were permanently etched along them. Paige and Rachel could tell that I was apprehensive and tried their best to keep me off the subject.
On Friday I told myself that they would come back tomorrow if anything else. I pictured them returning in the morning, amidst screaming, shouting and cheers of relief. But I'd be the only one crying in joy. The essence in the air was different. Thunder rumbled at a distance and lightning struck the highest tower. Rain was to fall that night ... to wash away my fears.
It was Saturday morning.
I woke up with my heart pounding. The same anticipation I had whenever my grades were going to be handed to me. But this was much worst. This would tell whether Harry was alive or dead. Dead or Alive.
I dressed with pale, shaking hands. I feared for the ribbon in my hand as I tied my hair up in a ponytail. I was the first to wake up, but the last to leave the dormitory. What if they weren't there in the Great Hall? I sat in bed and buried my head in my hands.
"Cho? Are you coming?" asked Paige by the door. "He'll be there, don't worry."
I gave her a weak and trembling smile then stood up with even wobblier knees. She gave me a hand and we walked downstairs together.
I counted each step as if my life depended on it. She looked at me and gave me a supporting smile. I smiled back and held onto the stair rail for support. The chilly air blew my hair and weaved in and out of it. A few more steps, then I'd be near the Great Hall, a few more and I'd be in. A group of Slytherins blocked our way.
"What if he isn't there?" I whispered to Paige. Someone held my shoulder. I turned around –
It was Rachel. She gave me a smile. "I saw Hermione on the way down here." Hermione? She was back! That might mean that Harry is back too! "She didn't seem so cheerful but she's back anyway." I gave Rachel a big smile, ignoring her second sentence. All I could think was that Harry was back! I had worried for nothing! I felt like laughing out in joy.
I took a confident step forwards and Paige followed after me as if ready to catch me if I fell. Someone passed me and I turned to see who.
It was Hermione. I caught her arm and she turned around to give me a small smile. "Hello Cho." Paige and Rachel moved on to the Ravenclaw table and left me behind with Hermione. I had so many questions for her.
"Hello Hermione," I said with a grin. "So – did you stop Voldemort?"
Hermione looked at the floor for a while then gave me another smile. "Basically, yes, how are you?"
"I'm fine." Brushing away the subject, why didn't she just tell me where Harry was and save me my breath and suspense? "Where is Harry?" The way her smile turned into a frown was terrifying.
"Cho, I – you have to know that," began Hermione.
"What?"
"He's still back there."
"Back where? What do you mean?"
Hermione gave me an encouraging smile. "Professor Dumbledore is there with him, don't worry, he'll be back soon." I gave a sigh of relief.
"So he'll be alright?" I asked with a smile.
She looked as if she was about to add something but then decided to change her mind. "Yes, he'll be alright." I couldn't help myself. I gave her a hug.
"Thanks so much Hermione!" I said with a huge smile on my face.
"You're welcome," she said a little taken aback.
I made my way to the Ravenclaw table contentedly. More contended then I had been for a while this week.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I spent the rest of the day with Matt, outside by the lake. He had a way of making the rain seem shiny and bright. It was just drizzling but nothing could darken my mood.
"I heard that Hermione and Ron are back," said Matt with a grin. "See, nothing to worry about."
"Harry will be back soon too," I added. "That's the best part."
He laughed good-heartedly.
In my mind I wondered when that would be. He had to be back soon, how long could it take for Dumbledore and Harry to overcome Voldemort? "Matt, when will Harry be back?"
"I'm not too sure," Matt admitted. "In a few hours or so I guess – it surely wouldn't be days." He ruffled my hair and I splashed him with the water from the lake. "Oh! You're in such big trouble!" He laughed and stood up, ready to chase me.
I ran for it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That night, Harry still hadn't returned. My towering feelings began to compose itself and I started feel worried again.
"Cho!" It was Rachel; she was at the door and breathless. "This letter! It's for you!"
I rushed forwards and opened it quickly; maybe it was from Harry telling me where to find him:
**Dear Cho,
Sorry I had taken so long. But you have to be strong with this news.
In a few minutes, I'll probably be dead. I had only one letter to write and I decided to write it to you. I love you. Tell Hermione and Ron that I'm sorry. Everyone else as well.
Be strong.
Harry.
P.S. Do not feel sorry, do not do anything drastic, and believe in yourself.**
A/N: Sorry if it is too short. The last chapter will uncover a hidden twist. Be sure to read it. (Oh, and if you really want a better impact of the final chapter read the paragraph on Minor Forgetting Charms again!) Review please.
Guilt and Despair
A/N: This chapter is going to be pretty intense from Cho's point of view. I'm not going to say anything, just read and find out. And all the thoughts that someone is going to die? I'll keep it to myself. Sorry if I took a little too long in this chapter, I actually had started it first and then I erased the whole thing and redid it! ^_^
Dragoon knight – Keep your cool! I'm writing as fast as I can! I currently have to update three ffs in such urgent demands! Lol, anyway here is the next chapter. It may come as a little shock to you – but the suspense will truly be in the chapter after this. Thanks for your review!
LogicalRaven – You'll have to wait and find out. ^_^ Thanks for your review!
Slimpun – Thanks for reviewing! You're new to me, so welcome to the dramatic life of Cho!! lol
At first I just held it. I didn't have any impulse to read it – none at all. I feared what it may say. But then I knew I must ... it couldn't be too bad after all. I took a deep breath and slowly I opened my eyes to read what it had to say:
**Dear Cho,
I'm sorry for what I have to do. Please don't feel anguished by me; it will only make my heart feel worst. Hermione, Ron and I saw a way how Voldemort can break through the shield of love and magic. We need to go as fast as we can, otherwise many lives will be in danger, including yours. Don't tell anyone about this please, they would have already found out about it anyway, but I don't want to cause so much of a panic.
If I do not return in a week then you know that the worst has come to me. If Hermione and Ron return, then demand them to tell what has happened to me, they might have an important message. But most of all don't worry for me. Keep your promise by not coming after me. Trust me please. I love you with all my heart Cho.
In my heart, mind and soul.
Harry.**
My heart sank lower then it ever had before. I sat on my bed just looking at the letter. He had left without me, and with my promise I couldn't run off and beg for him to come back before anything severe happens to him. Without the promise, I would have dragged him back to Hogwarts even if he kicked and screamed, but with it I was cursed.
The second paragraph worried me most, the one which said that if he didn't return in a week he'd probably have died. I didn't want to believe it of course. He had returned through every ordeal with Voldemort in less then a day. But then again this could be different – Voldemort could be stronger, and Harry just a little bit more obstinate. I ran a hand through my hair with concern. How could I not worry?
I folded the letter tenderly and placed it in my side drawer beside my dagger. As I turned the water on in the shower, tears started to trickle down my cheeks in slow and considerate waves. Water mingled with my own tears, I stood there crying softly with the imitation rain swathing my body in a cool blanket of sympathies. I could cry as long as I want to, and as much as I wanted to. It was a Saturday; everyone was out somewhere doing what they liked.
And here I was. Doing what I seemed to like to do often. Thoughts flew around my head like toy airplanes in constant dizzy circles. I knew that I had to accept what he was supposed to do. He was a hero, one in a million, and I was nothing against his strong will. I was nothing compared to him.
I looked at my hands. Each wrinkle on my fingers was my regrets. The wrinkles were deep, the regrets were deep. The wrinkles stood out, my regrets stood out. And like the wrinkles, they'd never be gone until I finally accepted them.
I wrapped myself in a warm towel and wiped the mirror clean from the steam that had appeared during my wash. My eyes were red and puffy, brown almonds protruded through them, looking depressed, disturbing – no contentment shone at all. My nose was pink, like a rabbit's, and I looked atrocious.
Overall, looking back at me through the mirror was a girl who used to be cheerful and beautiful. Someone who used to follow the rules and thought of only the best grades and impressing her parents. But slowly, through each traumatic event she had, it was slowly all going away – going to waste.
I dressed in a pale blue singlet and jeans then opened the bathroom door and sat on my bed. Paige was on her bed looking at some of her magazines. She looked up and saw my face. Frowning she said ", what's wrong?"
I knew I couldn't fool her. She knew me too well. "Today is starting out to be really terrible," I replied. "I feel like digging a hole and burying myself in it. "Paige game a welcoming smile and motioned me to a side by her bed. I went over and she put an arm around my shoulder in a sisterly gesture. She pushed her magazines aside with her free hand.
"Life can be really harsh, huh?"
"It isn't life," I said grudgingly. "It's the people in it." Paige nodded understandingly.
"Cho, nothing and no one can be perfect." Paige gave a hollow laugh. "Like I can't handle soppy situations as much as Rachel."
I gave a small smile. "Why must we have boyfriends?"
Paige looked at me with surprise.
"I mean," I said quickly. "Why do we have to test out so many boys till we finally have it right? Why can't it be just one boy, our soul mate, and the one boy we will be together with forever and that's it? No heartbreaks."
Paige looked at me thoughtfully. "I don't know, life isn't that easy."
"Wish it was."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That afternoon, I spent on my bed, trying to finish off some of my homework. But it was hopeless. Every so often my mind would crawl back to the letter and I found myself taking it out of the side drawer more than once.
After three hours, I had only written one paragraph of an essay for Professor Flitwick on Minor Forgetting Charms:
**Minor Forgetting Charms are very convenient in the Ministry, particularly in the Muggle Department, where it is used to alter the memories of Muggles when magic is accidentally exposed. These charms are used to modify a period of time in a human's short-term or long-term memory. These charms are also used in St Mungo's Hospital on traumatized patience. Those who have suffered from a dramatic ordeal are sent into Minor Forgetting Charm Treatments. Even though these Charms are reversible, they can be very hazardous and are prohibited for usage without the consent of the ministry itself and under supervision of a professional. **
I rolled up the parchment, another hour and I wouldn't have done much else either. I lay on my back thinking of what Harry, Hermione and Ron might be doing right now. Maybe they were already on their way back and I was just concerned for nothing. I tried to imagine the scene that took place.
Harry, face sweating and a little bit limping, smiling through the wreck around him at his victory. Hermione beside him, bending down to catch her breath but grinning nonetheless, her brain twice as large as before with the knowledge she had of the battle. Ron dancing in joy, making comments on how they defeated Voldemort, punching the air – twice. Two heroes and a heroine making their way back to Hogwarts jubilantly.
But another image played in my mind.
Harry against Voldemort, struggling against his new strength. Hermione shouting out instructions with a hoarse voice, all astuteness switched with terror. Ron lying beside her with a gash across her forehead. I gave a short whimper and stood up with more anxiety then I had before. How could they do this to me?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The days slowly passed by. Each worst then the one before.
On Sunday my heart started to beat faster and faster, as if I were partaking in a hundred meter sprint. I couldn't sleep all night and on Monday I woke up with black circles under my eyes and every girl in Ravenclaw asking me if something was wrong. But soon they realized that Harry, Hermione and Ron were missing when Professor Dumbledore announced this at breakfast. I covered my eyes, when he announced it; it made it sound even worst. I could see that Dumbledore was upset at them.
His blue eyes shone a warning to them, wherever they were. If that didn't make them come back, nothing would.
On Tuesday I knew the worst had come to them when they still had not returned.
By Thursday I was ready to hang myself outside the window of my dormitory, but I told myself to hang on and wait. I needed to trust him with my heart and wait like every other person. My palms became constantly red and sweaty from my anxiety. Nail marks were permanently etched along them. Paige and Rachel could tell that I was apprehensive and tried their best to keep me off the subject.
On Friday I told myself that they would come back tomorrow if anything else. I pictured them returning in the morning, amidst screaming, shouting and cheers of relief. But I'd be the only one crying in joy. The essence in the air was different. Thunder rumbled at a distance and lightning struck the highest tower. Rain was to fall that night ... to wash away my fears.
It was Saturday morning.
I woke up with my heart pounding. The same anticipation I had whenever my grades were going to be handed to me. But this was much worst. This would tell whether Harry was alive or dead. Dead or Alive.
I dressed with pale, shaking hands. I feared for the ribbon in my hand as I tied my hair up in a ponytail. I was the first to wake up, but the last to leave the dormitory. What if they weren't there in the Great Hall? I sat in bed and buried my head in my hands.
"Cho? Are you coming?" asked Paige by the door. "He'll be there, don't worry."
I gave her a weak and trembling smile then stood up with even wobblier knees. She gave me a hand and we walked downstairs together.
I counted each step as if my life depended on it. She looked at me and gave me a supporting smile. I smiled back and held onto the stair rail for support. The chilly air blew my hair and weaved in and out of it. A few more steps, then I'd be near the Great Hall, a few more and I'd be in. A group of Slytherins blocked our way.
"What if he isn't there?" I whispered to Paige. Someone held my shoulder. I turned around –
It was Rachel. She gave me a smile. "I saw Hermione on the way down here." Hermione? She was back! That might mean that Harry is back too! "She didn't seem so cheerful but she's back anyway." I gave Rachel a big smile, ignoring her second sentence. All I could think was that Harry was back! I had worried for nothing! I felt like laughing out in joy.
I took a confident step forwards and Paige followed after me as if ready to catch me if I fell. Someone passed me and I turned to see who.
It was Hermione. I caught her arm and she turned around to give me a small smile. "Hello Cho." Paige and Rachel moved on to the Ravenclaw table and left me behind with Hermione. I had so many questions for her.
"Hello Hermione," I said with a grin. "So – did you stop Voldemort?"
Hermione looked at the floor for a while then gave me another smile. "Basically, yes, how are you?"
"I'm fine." Brushing away the subject, why didn't she just tell me where Harry was and save me my breath and suspense? "Where is Harry?" The way her smile turned into a frown was terrifying.
"Cho, I – you have to know that," began Hermione.
"What?"
"He's still back there."
"Back where? What do you mean?"
Hermione gave me an encouraging smile. "Professor Dumbledore is there with him, don't worry, he'll be back soon." I gave a sigh of relief.
"So he'll be alright?" I asked with a smile.
She looked as if she was about to add something but then decided to change her mind. "Yes, he'll be alright." I couldn't help myself. I gave her a hug.
"Thanks so much Hermione!" I said with a huge smile on my face.
"You're welcome," she said a little taken aback.
I made my way to the Ravenclaw table contentedly. More contended then I had been for a while this week.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I spent the rest of the day with Matt, outside by the lake. He had a way of making the rain seem shiny and bright. It was just drizzling but nothing could darken my mood.
"I heard that Hermione and Ron are back," said Matt with a grin. "See, nothing to worry about."
"Harry will be back soon too," I added. "That's the best part."
He laughed good-heartedly.
In my mind I wondered when that would be. He had to be back soon, how long could it take for Dumbledore and Harry to overcome Voldemort? "Matt, when will Harry be back?"
"I'm not too sure," Matt admitted. "In a few hours or so I guess – it surely wouldn't be days." He ruffled my hair and I splashed him with the water from the lake. "Oh! You're in such big trouble!" He laughed and stood up, ready to chase me.
I ran for it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That night, Harry still hadn't returned. My towering feelings began to compose itself and I started feel worried again.
"Cho!" It was Rachel; she was at the door and breathless. "This letter! It's for you!"
I rushed forwards and opened it quickly; maybe it was from Harry telling me where to find him:
**Dear Cho,
Sorry I had taken so long. But you have to be strong with this news.
In a few minutes, I'll probably be dead. I had only one letter to write and I decided to write it to you. I love you. Tell Hermione and Ron that I'm sorry. Everyone else as well.
Be strong.
Harry.
P.S. Do not feel sorry, do not do anything drastic, and believe in yourself.**
A/N: Sorry if it is too short. The last chapter will uncover a hidden twist. Be sure to read it. (Oh, and if you really want a better impact of the final chapter read the paragraph on Minor Forgetting Charms again!) Review please.