As You Are
By Merith

Pairings: 2x4x2
Rating: R
Warnings: AU, Shonen Ai, yaoi, language, angst, hints of NCS
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, its characters or its story line. But I do enjoy writing about them!
A/N: Inspired by two separate conversations, this story became a challenge of sorts. Could I as an author, write a believable story with a pairing I didn't believe would work? Thanks to Mereilla and Saro for letting me bounce a couple ideas off them.

To: Arithion, who believes, and to Saro, who could believe.

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Come
As you are
As you were
As I want you to be
As a friend
As a friend
As a known memory
'Come as You Are' - Nirvana

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Part I: As a known memory

The light knock at the door barely reached my consciousness; I was too engrossed in studying. My roommate spoke to someone, and I heard a response, but didn't pay attention to who it was or what was said.

"Quatre, it's for you," Victor announced, breaking into my concentration.

I looked around to the door, and felt my heart thump. Duo. I should have known he'd make an appearance sooner or later. The wish it would have been later - much later - wasn't going to come true. As my eyes swept over his form, I could see he did the same to me. He looked better than the last time I'd seen him up close, but the dark wedges under his eyes showed he wasn't as healthy as he should be, as he once was.

"You …you look good," he said with a hesitant smile. He'd come in to stand next to my desk, and I saw with some alarm he was not at ease; Duo was never nervous.

Giving a slight nod in acknowledgment, I tapped my pen to my notebook, a little impatiently, not at all relaxed myself. "Why are you here, Duo?" I asked in a low voice. Victor had gone back to his desk, watching a DVD on his computer; he didn't need to overhear anything Duo had to say to me.

Duo glanced around, playing with the end of his braid before dropping it. Giving a slight sigh, he finally looked at me. "I... I'd like to talk with you, Quatre." He ducked his head and mumbled, "I need to talk to you."

Dread settled in my stomach and my heart beat loudly. I wasn't sure exactly what he wanted, what he had to say, but the first thought in my head made its way out before I could stop it. "You have a STD?"

Floored. That was the only word I could use to describe his expression. Recovering, he said in a low, harsh voice, "God no! How could you… why the hell would you think of something like that?" He wasn't nervous any longer; he was angry.

Feeling somewhat relieved I hedged embarrassed at where my thoughts had led me. "Well … you know … you, uh… date a lot… and I…" I quit when his eyes narrowed. I shifted my gaze to look out the window, color heating my cheeks. "I apologize, Duo. I hadn't meant to imply anything."

He touched my shoulder briefly calling my attention back to him. When our eyes met, he seemed a little more at ease, and no longer angry. His expression was a little more pensive than what I was used to seeing. With a soft exhale, he sank into a crouch, holding himself just below my eye-level. "I wanted to talk to you… not about anything else but … but us." His voice was quiet, his eyes urging me to listen. I wasn't sure what to say, unable to look away, but not able to speak either, and his anxiety returned. He picked up a paper clip off the carpet, and his fingers began to unwind its bent frame.

"Duo," I forced out. "I don't think … I mean, why?"

Not looking up, he said softly, "I have some things to say, to explain, and I'd like you to listen. I know you don't want to see me any more, to talk to me… but I can't just let it go without one more… without saying something."

I did not want to talk to Duo. I did not want to live through another fight, another self-aborted stab at a relationship with him. But... remembering our brief encounter the week before, and some of the rumors I'd heard, I thought I should listen what he had to say. I owed him that much at least. "Okay, but I really have to finish this chapter before I can quit. Can it wait a few minutes? Do you want me to meet you somewhere? Call you?" I held little hope.

He was shaking his head. "Could I hang out here? Otherwise I can come back in an hour..." It was obvious he didn't want to leave.

"I guess you can stay. I'm not positive what Vic's doing, but I've got a couple new books if you want to check them out." I gestured to the rack above my bed and nearly groaned aloud. I still kept the framed picture of the two of us tucked between my favorite books.

Duo spotted the photo and turned back, giving me a brief smile. Barely a shadow of the ones he used to wear, it held a sadness I'd never seen before. "I guess I'll see what Vic's up to."

When he went to the other side of the room, I tried to concentrate on my World Civ book. The words jumbled themselves into nonsense, and my ears twitched trying to hear what the others were talking about. My eyes sought out our picture, and the ache I thought I'd lost weeks ago settled its weight, making itself at home. There had been time when we didn't hate each other, if hating is how we now felt. The picture proved that we used to have some kind of bond for how else could we have looked so happy as we were then. Duo had an arm draped on my shoulder, his face turned toward me and I faced the camera, the both of us smiling or perhaps even laughing. I laughed a lot, then.

Tearing my eyes from the picture, I forced myself to return to taking notes. World Civilizations wasn't a hard course, just time consuming in remembering specific periods and events. And as boring as it could be, it was necessary for my degree. My degree. That had been one of those subjects Duo always teased me about. "Who's ever heard of a 'Magnate of International Studies' anyway? Switch to Poly Sci like the rest of us." He had a way of doing that, twisting things around to make them sound a little more than normal. I was working on an international business degree with an emphasis in international trade laws. His teasing didn't become bitter until he learned who I really was.

In so many ways I wished the hands of time could fly back to those days when we'd first started seeing each other, as more than friends that is. Since the first day we'd met, we'd become friends, and the first time I saw him, I couldn't stop thinking of him. Freshman Orientation in the dorms' common room, he was arguing some minor point of the dorm rules, and one of the floor leaders threw up his hands in disgust saying something fairly derogatory about Political Science majors. I had never met anyone like him, so full of life and so loud. Charming one minute and tactless the next, he was so contrary to everything and everyone I'd ever known, and I couldn't help but be drawn to him.

I held off for more than a couple of days to approach him; I wasn't shy by any means having been used to meeting and holding conversations with any manner of people through my father's business. But there was something about this boy, almost a man, something that triggered a warning letting me know that if I got too close, I could get burnt. In the end, it was he who approached me.


"Hey, do you mind if I sit here?" he asked sitting down before I could open my mouth. I'd been eating lunch and reviewing chapter notes for my next class when he appeared. "I see you've got Economics too. Brodemier?"

I could only nod. He chuckled and I realized I was staring at him with my mouth gaping open. Closing it with a snap, I asked politely, "Do you have Brodemier at one on Tuesdays and Thursdays as well?"

Shrugging, he squirted catsup on his fries. "Yeah, something like that. I might change it though. I've been looking at some of the engineering classes and they look interesting." He reached across my plate for the salt shaker. "You using this?" he asked, holding it up.

"Uh... no," I answered trying not to blush. I couldn't believe how he was making me feel just by talking. "Engineering should be an interesting field of study, but it's quite a bit different than Political Science. Why change?"

"Ah, I don't know if I will. I just like challenges, and so far, no challenge." He gave another casual shrug and bit into his hamburger. "So what's your area of study?" he asked around a mouthful.

Trying not to be shocked at his table manners, I answered quietly, "International Business Law."

He paused in shoving a fry in his mouth. "No shit?" I'd nodded and prodded my salad about on my plate, no longer interested in eating. "Why?"

I used his line back at him. "I like challenges." And smiled.

Duo swallowed at least before he smiled. "I think, my friend, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship." And it was... for awhile.


Sighing softly, I tuned into the low murmurs Duo and Victor were making. It seemed they were discussing the merits of the comedy they were watching. Victor laughed at whatever Duo said, and I closed my eyes. It still bothered me at how easily he made friends, how effortlessly he charmed others, all without even trying.

Those first few weeks were fantastic, full of adventure, excitement and all things wonderful. I secretly smiled, remembering the first time Duo had asked me on a date. He'd written me a note during our economics class asking me to go to the movies with him that night. When I nodded, he wrote he'd pick me up and to be ready by seven. I don't remember what we watched, only the thrill of sitting next to him in a darkened theater.

Sometimes when I think about it, I believed he seduced me. Not callously or with any intent other than to get to know me, to be with me, but it was a seduction none the less. And then, I'd think of other times when maybe I was the seducer. I mean, I didn't normally act like I did when we first got together; I was not a wallflower and had never been shy in my life. But there were times around him, I would feel as though I could not be who I was and withheld a lot of the details friends share about themselves. Duo said he liked challenges, and maybe subconsciously I was trying to be intriguing for him.

Our first kiss happened more as an accident than any deliberate attempt on either of our parts. We'd gone separately to some ridiculous freshman dance one of the school committees was holding. I hadn't wanted to go, really; I had wanted to get a jump on a project paper for my business admin class. But Duo pleaded for me to go, and I couldn't deny him. Someone had spiked the punch and the two of us drank enough to get pleasantly tipsy. The dance wasn't over, but Duo suggested we leave and with our arms linked, we managed to keep from staggering out to the campus commons.

Once on the path and half way back to the dorms, Duo had stopped without my realizing it. Pulled off balance, I spun round and lost my footing, only to find myself crashing into and bouncing off of him. I fell backwards hitting the ground, and, with our arms still entwined, I pulled him down on top of me. Our foreheads cracked together even as our lips touched. It surprised both of us, at least for the moment. Duo reared back, a hint of fear and excitement in his eyes and I smiled more than aroused with the brief touch. He lowered his head, pressing his lips to mine, gently at first, increasing the pressure exploring my mouth with his tongue. I closed my eyes and let the intoxicating feelings he invoked surround me.

Even to this day I can still remember every nuance of that kiss; from the sweet taste of the punch and the spicy tang of the rum to the way his fingers felt in my hair and the weight of his body pressed against mine. By the time he rolled off to lay by my side, I would have given him anything he asked of me. Though I felt a little hurt he didn't continue what I knew he wanted, after all I had felt every part of his body on mine, later I was slightly relieved he hadn't pushed for more that night. It was another two weeks before he even suggested kissing me again, let alone anything else.

Before that night, I'd never even kissed a girl before, let alone a guy. The fact it was Duo didn't bother me, but not knowing what was happening to me did. I didn't expect to feel the way I did when I'd see him move a certain way or when he'd touch me, even some of the looks he'd give me would cause my face to flame thinking of the way it felt to have his body covering mine.

Keeping my head lowered, I pretended to write but world civilizations was as lost to me as Atlantis. My throat was dry and my eyes burned; my body traitorous to my head and heart, it didn't help that I'd grown hard with just the memory of him. I shifted uncomfortably and forced a cough to cover any undo noise. Casting a surreptitious glance at the two, I saw neither paid the least bit of attention to me; they both were too engrossed in the movie. I wasn't entirely sure if I felt relieved or slighted.

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