CHAPTER FIVE
(meant to antagonize)
Commander Root tried not to laugh. He really did. But he laughed anyway, the first time he had done so since Holly's capture. Next to him, Foaly made no attempt to hide his sniggers as they watched the dramatic comedy being played out on the giant computer screen in front of them, courtesy of the video camera in Captain Trouble's helmet.
The picture shook slightly every now and then. Foaly assumed that Trouble was also laughing, in fact, shaking with it. He could see that Butler, in the background, definitely wore something like a grin on his normally grim face.
On the screen, Lianne and Artemis were arguing.
"What the hell did you do this time?" she asked him. In a near shriek.
"I did nothing. I am in no way responsible for this situation." Artemis was still speaking coolly, but his voice was rising.
"'No way responsible' my ass. You can lie all you want, but you did something to warrant this bloody abduction. Tell me what it was."
"I understand your hysterics, but I would appreciate it if you would cease whining."
"I'm whining? I'm hysterical? Fowl, I've just been kidnapped, and I know it's because of you. And by the way, don't answer that. I don't think my dainty sensibilities can take without a measure of weeping and screaming whatever verbal barb you're about to hurl at me."
"You don't even know who we're dealing with." Artemis was gritting his teeth by then, still not revealing what he already knew for sure: a fairy had abducted them. Was it Holly? If it was, she wasn't showing herself. He wondered what the LEP wanted with him now.
"You're right. I don't. And I'm glad. These are your enemies, Fowl. I'm the victim here."
Artemis' snort indicated that he didn't think much of her announcement. "If you wish to be considered a victim, you might consider acting like one."
"You want me to play a damsel in distress waiting for a knight in shining armor?"
"And that knight would be Jake, would it?" Artemis hid his wince. He hadn't meant to say that.
That was when Lianne really grew mad. It was unfortunate that she was still carrying the bag she brought to school; she had refused to let Butler carry it for her. Artemis' statement provoked her into viciously zipping open her bag and taking out wads of crumpled papers.
"Here! Fifteen of your damsels!" She threw one at him, and it bounced off his chest. She threw another, which bounced off his head. Artemis' deep blue eyes widened, and he backed away. She continued pelting him with the notes.
Foaly was convulsing with laughter by then. The images on the screen kept jumping – Trouble couldn't contain his laughter. He whispered into his mike, "Good thing I took them down using the commercial shuttle. Even better that we got a private compartment."
Artemis wasn't quite so amused. He shot Butler a glare from beneath the rain of crumpled notes – a glare which Butler rewarded with a rare smile – and shouted at Lianne, "Stop it!" He could feel himself turning red. He just knew that a fairy was watching this. Foaly was probably taping it. Holly would never let him live it down.
Finally Lianne ran out of ammunition. "Read one of them!" she yelled back. "Then change a few of the mushy words and put a different name at the bottom, and you've read all of them!"
Artemis snatched up one of the notes and smoothed it out.
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~
"Fowl, I'd tell you why you're here, but Julius is determined to break the news to you himself," Foaly announced. Artemis scowled.
He could almost see the centaur cackling in the Operations Booth as his horsey voice blasted out from the powerful micro-speakers hidden throughout the lavishly furnished LEP meeting room – deep red carpet, polished wood chairs around a polished wood table, a paper-thin, voice-activated computer in front, the works. Artemis, of course, had chosen to sit at the head of the table. Lianne was standing near the wall, staring at the table. Butler was seated as near the door as possible, his back to a wall, watching to see who would enter.
They all listened as Foaly continued. "Seems to think he can charm you into helping us better than I can." Artemis imagined Butler tearing the jaunty little foil hat from the centaur's head, while he informed the centaur that he had developed a mind-reading technology and sold it to all the human secret agencies, and now they would all read his mind –
Finally, for the first time since Trouble had mesmerized them and they had snapped back to reality alone in this locked meeting room, Lianne spoke four words that weren't meant to antagonize Artemis. "Why are we here?"
Exactly my question, Artemis thought to himself. But he only said, "No doubt they will inform us soon enough." The first words he said since their abduction that weren't meant to antagonize Lianne.
"Once that creature is done having fun with us," Butler growled. At last, he wasn't playing the role of amused spectator to the bickering Artemis and Lianne.
Foaly's laughter came through loud and clear through the speakers. "The situation is serious, you know, very serious. But this is the first time I've been amused since . . . the Disneyland catastrophe began. You aren't going to deny the sanest, most brilliant, most popular technological wizard in Haven a little fun, are you?"
Lianne said loudly, "We're perfectly willing to be a source of amusement for such a paragon of humility. Who are we to go against this self-proclaimed sane, brilliant, popular technological mind?"
The sarcasm in her voice was obvious. Artemis wanted to smile, but he didn't. Butler didn't have any such reservations. His little grin was approving.
Foaly chuckled, not missing a beat, and said, "It is an unrecognized truth that humility is virtually useless next to honesty. Why play down genius?"
"You and Artemis should get along, then," she replied.
Artemis decided to ignore that barb.
Foaly's laugh this time was genuinely approving. He said to Lianne, "You know, I thought that all Mud Girls would cower from Fowl. Thank you for disabusing me of that notion."
She folded her arms across her chest. "You'll understand if I don't tell you that you're welcome. Why was I included when you abducted Artemis?"
"I have a companion, and his name is Butler," Artemis informed her.
"And why did you include Butler in getting revenge for whatever harebrained plot Artemis came up with?"
"I wouldn't say harebrained," Butler put in loyally.
"I would," said Lianne and Foaly at the same time.
Artemis gritted his teeth. "Let me repeat. I have done nothing whatsoever to warrant this abduction."
Lianne's expression had "Yeah, right," all over it.
Artemis spoke to Foaly. "Rest assured I will pay you back for this. Someday."
Foaly snickered. "I'd better ease my terror by putting you out of your misery. I'd be defying Julius, mind you."
No one, including Foaly, seemed to care. Artemis asked, "Where is Commander Root? I assume talking with the fairy who captured us. Was it Ho – Captain Short?"
Foaly paused. "Commander Root is reprimanding Captain Trouble Kelp for not bringing you in earlier. It has now been exactly eleven hours and forty-seven minutes since we finished wiping the data from a newspaper office. It was Captain Kelp who captured you, not Holly." His voice had turned serious.
Artemis, analyzing Foaly's simple sentences, immediately understood. "Captain Short was captured by a newspaper office, and you want me to get her back because not even the LEP has the resources to erase the data the newspaper has recorded on Holly at the office and pull a time stop to rescue Holly, whom I assume is being held at a separate place, at the same time."
Foaly said, sounding surly, "It's a good thing you're on our side, Mud Boy."
Butler understood. Lianne, who by now was sitting beside Artemis at the table, didn't. "Captain Holly Short has been captured by a newspaper office? Who is she? Which newspaper office? Who is Captain Trouble Kelp? Commander Julius Root was the one who ordered us to be captured, right?"
Foaly silently commended Lianne for matching up the positions, names, and surnames accurately. More than most other Mud Girls in her place could probably do. He said, "Holly is a fairy. The newspaper office is in California, America. Captain Kelp is also a fairy. Julius is also a fairy – don't take this abduction personally, because you weren't supposed to be included. But you were, and you're not a hindrance, so he doesn't mind."
"The fact that she argues regularly with me is also a factor, no doubt, in Commander Root's unusual lenience," Artemis muttered.
"What exactly is a fairy?" Lianne asked.
"I'll answer that after I tell you something about myself," Foaly replied. "After that, you'll believe anything. I'm a centaur."
Lianne blinked. "Would you mind repeating that?"
The screen in front of the room flickered to life. Something with four legs appeared on it. It looked suspiciously like a –
It was nearing a door –
The door opened. Butler was on his feet in an instant.
Foaly clattered in. "I said, I'm a centaur."
Lianne shrieked and actually clutched at Artemis' hand for support.
~~~~~^~~*~~^~~~~~
Commander Root was in his office, having just finished yelling, demoting, and nearly murdering the guards who should have prevented the troll who stumbled into vent C8. Captain Kelp was with him, having done his part by shooting the guards murderous glares while Root bellowed. Trouble would have done more than yell, but he knew that Root, in his present mood, would probably turn around and demote him.
"You shouldn't have captured the girl," Root growled, pacing in front of his desk. His face was still red from shouting at the ex-guards – now janitors.
Trouble was standing behind Root's desk, staring steadily at the commander. "I know, sir."
Root kept pacing. "I don't mind."
"I know, sir."
"Let's talk to Fowl."
"Yes, sir."
They left Root's office and headed for the LEP meeting room next to the Operations Booth where Artemis, Butler, and the girl were being held.
___________________________________________________________
DISCLAIMER: I forgot to add this in the last chapter . . . anyway, all the stuff about analogs and chemicals and scientific names came from "The Alchemist," by Ken Goddard. And, unfortunately, I still don't own Artemis Fowl . . . I'm working on a letter to Eoin Colfer right now, supposedly from a girl who's dying of leukemia and has one last death wish . .
A/N: To all my reviewers, thank you, thank you, thank you! Nothing beats opening my e-mail and finding a review alert in my inbox! As you can see, I've finally gotten around to updating!
BLOODY DEAD ROSE: I'll try to e-mail you soon . . . I'm just too lazy to explain right now where that particular retort of Artemis' came from . . . thanks for reviewing and putting me on your faves list! ^_^
ICE RAIDER: Yep, one of your reviews did say something sort of nasty, but all's forgiven! I haven't read that story yet . . . as soon as all the crap in my life is sorted out, I'll get around to it, and see if my story is similar. ^_^
THE WOLF CHILD: Thanks for the review! However, I think Artemis shrugging was in context at the time . . . I'll check, and revise if necessary. x.X . . . ^_^
GLOW*IN*THE*DARK: I think you're a damn good writer too! Please don't follow through with your threat! I've updated! ^_^
MOUSAS: Keep laughing, my friend! ^_^
THAT AERIN: Thanks for the compliments and the suggestions! I really appreciate suggestions! I might use one of them! ^_^
PYRO4: I'll keep characterization in mind, I promise. Thanks for reviewing! Please don't do anything drastic! I've updated, at long last! ^_^
GRIFFIN&SABINE: I love your name! Nick Bantock rocks! And so do your reviews! ^_^
LARA TYLER: I appreciate your faith in my story . . . thanks for the review! ^_^
ARTYLOVER108: Thanks!!! I hope the rest of this adventure story continues to wow you! ^_^
WISHNIK: I live in the Philippines. And I've finally got a copy of Eternity Code! Yay! Still, since I started this fic before reading it, I have to continue it as though Eternity Code doesn't exist. I liked it, though. Not as much as its first two predecessors, but I liked it. ^_^
ANONYMOUS REVIEWERS: You've got interesting names! I do so love your reviews! Thank you! And keep reviewing, all of you! Please? ^_^
And finally . . .
BIG FRIENDLY WALRUS: One day I will find a way to show you just how grateful I am for your reviews. Thank you!!! I hope you find time to review my story again soon! I think you're a great satirist. Keep writing! ^_^
MARY SUE: May you never morph into a girl named Lianne Ramirez.
I'm afraid to make a promise I can't keep . . . so I won't say, "I'll update this soon!" I might not. But I'll try to. ;-) I'll also mention how Artemis reacted to the letters from his admirers in the next chapter. ^_^