A.N.: To flyingpiggies: Yes, I am aware that I am on update-overload. But I make it a habit to type up at least a chapter a night, English hmwk or no English hmwk. Sometimes I'll get an idea and just type until my fingers fall off. And when I DO remember the English hmwk…well…let's just say that I sometimes cram that in during my morning rush hour…hehe…
Disclaimer: I do not own them. That Sam-I-Am! I do not like them, Sam-I-Am! I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. Nor do I like eating mass quantities of tofu and soymilk. So blame Beast Boy for the mass outbreak of diarrhea.
Chapter Eight: Not by the Hair on My Bald Chinny-Chin
The night sky was lit ablaze with the glow of millions of white shining stars, each illuminating the deep blue sky with a flame all its own.
Raven and Marie walked on in silence as Starfire broke into an animated one-sided conversation on the origin of Tamaran, several galaxies, and myths on the constellations. She even told about her planet's horoscope signs.
"My sign is Glucosio, the geyser of sweetness. According to the signs of Tamaran, my counter-sign is Ridlinius, the god of calmness. By the Earthen Zodiac, my signs are Aquarius and Cancer…"
"Aquarius and Cancer?!" Marie was dumbfounded. How did a person manage to have two signs?
"She was born in two parts of her galaxy through a Trans-portal. By Earth time, it was February on Tamaran and July on Lunavaria, the second Sentari Moon."
"Oh…Sort of like Time Zones, right?"
"Oh friends! Let us devour our visionary organs on that luminous, fiery meteor that is descending through the mesosphere!"
"She means let's feast our eyes on that shooting star that's falling from the sky." Translated Raven to a dumbfounded Marie.
"—Said Chicken Little." Mumbled Marie. "I'd rather we feast our eyes on supper, Starfire. The Tower's around this turn and over the bridge, right?" Queried Marie.
"Yes! You shall soon remember the way back all in good time my friend! Once we arrive, I shall up whip our planet's famous seafood platter. It shall be a wondrous banquet to commemorate the arrival of our new member who wields powers of sand and sea! We shall silly ourselves stuffed and acquire indigestion! Then we shall participate in the administering of expelling natural mustard gases and various odor-causing fumes! Proceeding this, we shall then view a digitally recorded medi—"
"Starfire." Raven stared at her with her iron fire eyes, subduing the other's incessant chatter.
"Eep! Yes?"
"Two words: Shut—"
"—Up." Marie finished.
Starfire immediately got the message and fortunately kept her peace as they rounded the bend on Protector Pkwy. and came upon a star-struck Titans Tower.
Centered in the middle of Titans' Island in front of the now destroyed Vanquisher Bridge, it was framed against a midnight-blue sky dotted with vivid, golden celestial luminescence, the creamy face of an ivory moon, and a subtle, velvety, barely visible cobalt horizon. Marie couldn't hold back the dreamy smiles and entranced, dancing eyes at the sight of her new home.
They walked across the dainty little cobblestone walkway until they came upon the door. There was a plaque that read: "Crib Bombin' Crib" (A.N.: For my readers who don't speak slang, that's supposed to mean "Home Sweet Home.")
Starfire set her load of mussels on the step, placed her hand on the plasma pad, took the retina scan, spit on the slide for DNA testing, and punched in the security code. (A.N.: Sort of stupid how I have them type in the security code last…) She waited for the familiar jingle that indicated their acceptance.
"Access denied." Replied the smooth, digitized, female voice of the computer program. (A.N.: Think Star Trek…)
"I do not understand…I have inputted the correct information, but the system will not accept me…" Starfire was trying to remember if she had forgotten a step.
"Your records probably need to be updated. Did you remember to do it last month?"
"Yes, I completed everything."
"Then the program might be reacting differently to your spit on the slide. What was that disgusting mess that you were eating for lunch, again?" Raven asked testily.
"A large deep-dish pizza with mustard, mint frosting, anchovies, sauerkraut, ketchup, marshmallows, and chocolate pudding!"
Raven's mouth twitched in disgust and Marie laughed nervously. "Too many foreign bodies in the spit will cause the DNA to conform with the chemicals. Let me try."
Raven complied with the test requirements, but hesitated on the spitting—to which Starfire informed Marie that Raven detested spitting and always stared at the slide—and STILL no admittance into the building.
"Computer, activate visual/audio cam." Raven commanded, a little irascibly.
"Activating visual/audio cam."
"Computer, alert inhabitants of Titans Tower—"
"—That someone is at the entrance!" Starfire finished, leaving Raven even more irritable.
"Alerting inhabitants."
Marie just sighed and filled a ditch in by the road with water for the mussels to swim and breathe in. "I swear, these people have never heard of doorbells…"
*******
Robin was fixing himself a Sprite when he heard the computer's voice come from the speaker above his head.
"Alert Code 21: Organisms remain present before entrance."
Robin dropped the ice and stared at the speaker. What is that thing talking about? He thought to himself.
Robin…
Robin dropped his Sprite this time. "Who said that?!" he exclaimed aloud.
It's Raven. Stop yelling. Use your brain for once.
Robin shook his head and started to think…
Raven?! What are you doing in my head? Is this what it feels like to have your mind read? And where were are you guys?! You better get back here on the double, and that's an order!
First of all, it's pointless trying to communicate my message if you constantly interrupt me. Secondly, if I was reading your mind, you wouldn't feel anything at all. Thirdly, we are not guys, we are females. Fourthly, we are outside the front door.
Outside the front door!? Why can't you come in?
The computer won't let us. It stalls up every time we try.
So THAT'S what the computer was trying to say. Is Starfire with you?
Yes, Robin. Raven's mind was thinking slightly amused.
What about that other girl…? Is she with you or did she run away?
No, Robin, that other girl is tending to our dinner by the roadside..
Huh?
Never mind, stop wasting your energy and let us in. Get Cyborg or Beast Boy to do it.
Why them? I'm perfectly capable of opening the door for Starfi—I mean, you guys—er—girls—uh…females…
I can see the Sprite all over the floor. It would be best if you would remain there and clean it up.
Alright, alright. I'll get them. Uhh…over and out?
No. Peace out.
Robin chuckled at Raven's last remark and called the two rulers of the game world over.
"They're locked out?!" Cyborg looked disbelieving.
"Haha! Raven got locked owut! Raven got locked owut!" Beast Boy started doing stupid little dances around the counter. "She'll have to beg for mercy and my love!"
"I don't get this! I upgraded the daggone thing two days ago! The system is completely refreshed! Bug-free and everything!"
"Apparently, it's not. Just go get them."
"Jeez, Robin! Look at the floor! What did you do?! Have a wet dream, or something?!" Beast Boy dashed away before Robin could bang him upside his fuzzy head.
*******
"I swear, if Beast Boy and Cyborg don't let us in…" Raven's face was contorted in frustration.
"Have no doubts, friend Raven! I am positive that they will consent! And if not I shall ask them as the wolf did in the 'Three Little Pigs: Little Pig, little pig, let me in!"
"Hey little guy! What? You don't like topsoil? Try this…" Marie was talking to the mussels and filling the bottom of the habitat with sand.
Raven looked at them like they were straight from the Jump City Asylum. She glanced at the door and growled…
*******
"Hey, Cy! It's this button that pops up the monitor, right?" Beast Boy was on the verge of pressing a bright red button with a Death's Head on it.
Cyborg sprang over to stop him and caught his puny arm just in time. "You little idiot! That's the Auto-Defense System button! THIS is the monitor button—although I don't remember it being so small…" Cyborg pressed a tiny green button at the bottom of the keypad.
*******
"Friends, what are these strange ammunition devices rising from the ground?" Starfire pointed nervously at the array of missile launchers poking threatening heads out of the topsoil. Marie gulped and Raven rose up tentatively.
BEE-YUM! BEE-YUM! BEE-YUM! Three laser-beams aimed straight at the girls were fired.
Raven and Starfire neutralized the effect with their powers, causing little explosions when each opposing beam met. Marie just stared in surprise.
"What did they DO?!" Marie ducked again as another beam nearly fried her face.
Raven blasted three of the laser guns and eluded six more. "They've activated the Auto-Defense Program. Those idiots…This must be Beast Boy's hand at work, for once…"
"Eep! We must devise a plan to alert Beast Boy and Cyborg of their errors! I suggest that we use the Earth method of Morse Code, or perhaps we try a system of flags and symbols, or there is the task of blowing certain notes through a Cynglarior Flute…" Starfire was atomizing, avoiding, and at the same time making herself audible over all the commotion. She blasted a hole through the three-foot thick wall beside the keypad.
"That'll do." Marie said, as she peered through the hole from her position by the road.
"YO! What the heck just happened here?!" Cyborg jumped as a Starbolt whisked under his feet.
Beast Boy poked through a smoking gap and brought his head back up with frightening speed as he faced Cyborg.
"And you say I'm the mindless idiot…" he shook his head at a bewildered Cyborg.
"If you two would cease your oblivious chatter, maybe none of us will come through looking like Swiss Cheese." Raven blew up another launcher and Cyborg finally found his voice.
"Whoa! Man, Robin was right! There really IS a bug in the system!"
"Uh, he-loooo! Earth to metal-man! They're being turned into Kentucky Fried Chicken out there and we're sitting here doing nothing but wondering about a stupid bug!"
Cyborg just rolled his eyes and slapped a big blue panel on the side of the controls. This time a spontaneous hail of bullets was emitted from the launchers. He gripped his head in confusion and started dancing around. Beast Boy looked like his face had been ironed flat. The girls were now huddled behind a row of tiny garden gnomes and taking turns peeking above the pointed hats and firing at the guns.
"Oh man! This is SO not my day!"
"You said it! First, I whip your butt in Fire Emblem, then, you get blown to pieces in—"
"You little moron! I meant THIS!!! The program's on overdrive and I didn't even push the button!!!" Cyborg was pounding on all sorts of mechanisms, levers, and switches. All of them made the situation outside even worse. There was now some sort of contraption that looked like a Patriot missile unearthing itself.
"Holy Broccoli! What IS that thing?!!?" Beast Boy huddled beneath Cyborg's foot and started fidgeting.
Cyborg's eyes started popping out of his head. "How the—?! That thing isn't even supposed to be under the Auto-Defense Program!!! That's the Seek-And-Destroy System's responsibility!!!"
"Who cares whose goddamned responsibility it is!? Get it the hell away from us before our deaths are your responsibility!" Marie was yelling at them from behind a stocky little gnome with a hoe in his left hand. Cyborg pressed a button and a laser-beam fried a hole through the dwarf's forehead, narrowly missing her.
"Hey! You jackasses! You did that on purpose!"
"Oops. My bad…" Cyborg crooned cynically.
"Okay, okay! We're on it!" Beast Boy yelled indignantly.
"I've tried all the buttons! There's nothing left!" Cyborg moaned in distress.
"What about that one?" Beast Boy pointed to the forbidden blood-red button. The anthropoid slapped his hand and turned to him sternly.
"I swear, anything that's got 'WARNING,' scribbled all over it is something that you're always tempted to touch!"
"Yeah, well, if all the good buttons go bad, then all the bad buttons must be good, right?!"
Cyborg paused for a moment in thought. "You know that that's probably the first intelligent thing that's ever come out of your mouth and still makes no sense?"
"Yeah, you know I'm a genius!" Beast Boy started to look at his nails admiringly.
"Don't flatter yourself. Now go ahead and push the darned button already!"
Professor Furriness, Ph. D, pressed the sacred button, and, miraculously, everything came to a standstill. There was a brief silence as three sets of eyes peeked over three crispy gnomes to survey the damage.
The Bad News: There were about 26 blackish tinged bald-spots scattered about the manicured lawn, a shish-kabobed squirrel, several uprooted flowers, and a severed mailbox. The Good News: The monitor was on.
Marie stepped up to the hole by the wall and stuck her face in. Starfire smiled in front of the camera. Raven preferred to send curses telepathically.
"Oooo. Better patch that up…" Cyborg placed a steel sheet over the perforation and started drilling, which drowned out Marie's growls.
"Okay! Now that we're all nice and cozy inside, I suppose you girls want us to let you come in and have tea, right?"
"We would be much obliged if you did." Raven replied stonily to the lens of the camera.
"Okay, we're opening the do—or?" Beast Boy looked at it questioningly. He had pressed the button, but it wouldn't open. "Oh yeah! It's supposed to be the opposite button!" He pressed the lock button this time, but still nothing.
Cyborg started punching all the codes he could think of into the little computer. But nothing worked. "Umm…Houston…I think we have another problem…"
"Little Pigs, little pigs! Let us in!" Starfire chanted.
"Uhhh…not by the hair on my chinny chin-chin…?" replied Beast Boy.
"Boy! For all the hair that you've got, there ain't a single dang hair on yo freaking chin!" Cyborg scorned at Beast Boy's protesting face.
Raven was loosing it. The longer she stayed out there with these idiots, the more her brain turned to mush. Might as well. She thought to herself. Everything else is burned. More disparagement won't hurt. And so, the little panel that served as the lock was crisped in her black fire. There was a snap, and…
"I've been able to open this door before with credit cards, hairpins, and a little bit of pressure, but Raven, you seriously know how to get the job done!"
The three girls filed in, and instantly…
WHOOSH!!! "ARGH!!!" Everyone cried as they stared at the ceiling and saw a gigantic blubber of liquid-filled rubber balloon come tumbling down on them…It came like gigantic, fat lady, bloated and red and dancing in slow-motion, a massive menacing threat to all humanity!!!
SPLAT!!! "EW!" And the five Titans were soaked from head-to-foot in—VINEGAR!!!
"Oh, god, we stink!" Marie held her dripping sleeved arms at shoulder-height and looked herself over. Her sopping clothes were plastered to her skin and her brown hair was drenched and hanging around her face smelling of the strong stench.
Raven's hood was slung over her face, hiding her expression, but not able to conceal two very wet, very shakily clenched fists by her side. Where in Azar's name did that come from?
Starfire was sniffing the air and pursing her lips in disgust. "What is this detestable acidic liquid? It smells like the spray from a Harsnorflian Skunklublar!"
Beast Boy and Cyborg were crying silently in remorse. The humanoid was checking all of his software and running scans to make sure his body parts were intact. Beast Boy was trying to lick his fur dry, crouching and spitting out green hairballs at the girls while he did.
Marie decided to break the silence. "So, Beast Boy. What is this surprise of yours? Get the high score on PAC Man or something?"
Beast Boy seemed to brighten up. "Dude! You will NEVER believe what it is!" Marie arched an eyebrow in expectation. And then…
*******
A.N.: Ewww…Vinegar? What brought about this cruel form of insanity? Who planted the balloon? Technically, it was me, but fanfiction.net-wise, it was a mystery person…
And who fooled with the doors in the first place? How did Beast Boy know about the buttons? To tell you the truth, it was dumb luck. He didn't have a clue.
Hehe. Yeah, I know. I'm evil. Just go ahead and admit it. I AM EEEEEEVVVVILLLLLL!!! MUWAHAHAAAAAA!!! Okay, so no secrets unraveled here, either, right? Yeah, this is torture. But I'm not getting any guesses here!!! Well, I've put this off for long enough. You, as my readers, have a right to know what the hell Beast Boy and the other guys are hiding. So, if you just wait a second and a few hours, I will type up that chapter tonight and ship it off to you by tonight. Deal? Okay. Good. Sit there and get the exta, super, mega-loaded butter popcorn on the microwave, grab a 2-liter bottle of coke, and get comfortable everyone…
Moi: Okay, who said to bring THOSE out!?
Imaginary Reviewer Representative: No one. The Reviewers felt like it, and if I want to keep my $2,000/hr. job, then I have to do whatever they say, and they said bring out the Cocoa Beans.
Moi: Yeah, but those babies came from my private storage room! How'd you gain access to that place?! And are those my PANAMANIAN Cocoa Beans!!!???
IRR: Gizmo helped out a bit. Yeah…Come on, lady. Gimme a break. I need my pay so I can buy that leather chair that's been up for grabs on E-bay the whole week. All you gotta do is stand still.
Moi: Gizmo's gonna die! Stand still while you hand my Cocoa beans out? Uh-uh, I don't think so…
IRR: They're not eating them. They're THROWING them at you for not telling what the surprise is.
Moi: The surprise? OW! I already told them that I'm going to type that up tonight! OW!! Can't you people calm yourselves?! OW!!! OKAY, okay, I'm TYPING, already! OW!!!! EEP! I've been bruised! HELP!!! Security! I hope you know, I'm pressing charges under assault! OW!!!!! Hey, those are limited edition beans, too, ya know! I have them specially ground for my daily glass of chocolate milk! OW!!!!!!
Reviewer: Yeah, sure, you use Hershey's Chocolate Syrup like the rest of us! Now TYPE!!!
Moi: OW!!!!!!!!
Peace out ppl.