Christian's Secret
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In the darkness of the night, I lay down on my bed and thought about Jacob and the things he had done. The way he kissed me, so long and passionately. Just the thought about what happened brought a warm feeling to my heart and breasts.
"Angela?"
"Yeah, Chris?", I said getting up on my elbow to see his face.
"Did Jacob do anything to you?", he asked.
"No, not at all. He was nice and a gentleman", I said.
"Okay, that's good to know"
"Why do you ask, Christian?", I asked confused.
"Well because your my girl, I got to watch out for you", he said relaxing a bit.
"What?"
"Your my sister, I have to watch out for you", he said correcting what he had said.
"Everything went okay", I reassured him, "you better go to sleep or you'll be sleepy in the morning."
That night I dreamt of Jacob's kisses. He was kissing on the couch, over and over again, but when he lifted his face, Christian's face appeared looking at me with a longing face. I woke up suddenly; I was sweaty all over. I looked over at the clock which said it was five thirty. I might as well just get up because I'd be doing it in fifteen minutes, I thought. I got up from my bed and got some clothes out. Before I left to take a shower, I shut off the alarm so that it wouldn't wake up Christian.
After taking a quick shower, I had extra time to do something with my hair. I put it up and put a blue ribbon on to match my shirt. After I got dressed, I went into my room to wake up Christian. Much to my surprise, he was already awake. In fact, he was sitting in bed looking at a picture.
"Christian?", I called to him.
He didn't seem to hear me because he kept looking at the picture. I walked over to him and sat down next to him. In his hand was a picture of me.
"Christian, what are you doing with this picture? Did you take this picture? When did you take it?", I asked taking it away from his hand.
"I was just thinking about how much you've grown, that's all. You've become such a beautiful young woman", he spilled out without realizing what he had said.
Then as if waking up from a dream, he got up and went to shower. In the picture I was in the living room dancing in a leotard, a loose shirt, and socks. This picture couldn't be more than two months old, I had remembered dancing like this when I thought Christian was sleeping. How peculiar, I thought, I had never once seen the picture he had held in his hand. I put the picture under his pillow and went to have breakfast to get my mind off the picture.
After breakfast, I went into my room and found Christian lying down on his bed.
"Christian, why are you just lying there?"
He garbled something that I couldn't comprehend
"Christian, are you feeling well?", I said walking over to him. I touched his cheek and forehead and his temperature was normal.
"Christian, are you feeling well", I repeated.
He didn't respond. He just clutched his stomach tightly and shivered. How could he have gotten ill so fast? He hadn't eaten anything at all?
"Goodness, Christian, what made you get sick? Oh dear, I can't let you go to school like this. What if you get worse? What if you throw up on someone? Daddy's not home to take care of you, not that you would let him, and Momma's still at the hospital. I'm going to have to stay home and take care of you myself", I said with a sigh.
I stepped out of the room to search for some type of remedy for Christian. It may a small stomach ache, but it was rare that Christian felt under the weather. I went into to look for some Peptil Bismol. I heard the door, then being slammed. I didn't need to see who it was to know who it was. Daddy had just come home, and it sounded like he was drunk, the way he kept bumping into things it seemed as if a bull was in a china shop.
"What are you doing here girl?", I heard he said looking at me from the small entrance of the bathroom.
I turned around and looked at Daddy. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess, and he reeked from the cheap beer coming from his mouth and clothes.
"Christian is sick, and since Momma is at the hospital taking care of Georgie for Aunt Clarissa, I had to stay home to take care of him, Daddy", I explained while trying to not grimace from the awful smell.
"Hell, you take care of that boy as if he were really your blood relative. You'll make some guy one helluva good wife someday. Just hope it's not that boy of mine", he said in a slurry voice.
"What are you talking about Daddy? I can't possibly marry Christian, he's my brother", I replied imperceptibly.
"No he ain't. Ain't none of us related to you", he said.
"Yes you are, all of you are. Your my Daddy, Momma's my mother, and Christian's my brother", I said trying to disagree with what he was saying.
"Not biologically girl, you're adopted, not even adopted, more like given away. Take a look at that mirror. Do you see any of us that has blonde hair? Do you see any of us with green eyes? Your "Momma", as you call her, couldn't have any kids after that boy of mine was born. Wanted me a girl, and your parents wanted to get rid of you, so I took you in, and made you my child", he said, too drunk to notice that he was slowly ripping my heart to pieces, and making my eyes tear.
I glanced at the mirror quickly to see my reflection as if I were looking at it for the first time ever.
"You're obviously drunk Daddy. You don't know what your saying", I said making up an excuse for the things he said. Tears were burning the back of my eyelids, but I wouldn't cry in front of him.
"Why don't you ask your "Momma"?", he said laughing. I had to get away from his awful words. I pushed him aside from the entrance, went to the room, and locked myself in it. Christian lay on the bed with his eyes open.
"Why are you crying, Angel?", he asked, sitting up immediately.
I hadn't realized that the tears had already escaped my eyes. I wiped away the tears quickly.
"Oh, I'm not crying; I just got something in my eyes", I lied.
"I know you're lying so you better tell me what happened", he said firmly.
I sat down on my bed. I never had a teddy bear on my bed to hug, so I just embraced myself for protection.
I sighed, "Well, Daddy came home, drunk as usual-"
"Did he do something to you?", he asked getting up quickly and heading for the door.
"No, no", I said getting him by the arm, "he told me something that I'm not sure is true."
"What did he tell you?", he asked anxiously.
"He told me I wasn't part of this family. That I'm not related to any of you. He says that I'm not blood related to you. I don't know whether to believe this or not. He said to look in the mirror because none of you had blonde hair and green eyes like I did. Then he said I should ask Momma, but I don't know if I want to know", I said spilling some more tears.
Christian sat down next to me, putting his arm around me, comforting me. I clung to him as if I were drowning, and he was the only one who could rescue me. He kissed my forehead and wiped away my tears.
"I'm sorry Christian", I said.
"For what?"
"For crying so much. I mean, I've dealt with bigger stuff than this, and I was able to control my emotions like", I said crying again.
He cupped my chin and kissed my tears away. Then, ever so slowly, he placed his passionate lips on mine. I was so confused that he was kissing me, but I welcomed it for a while. I backed away from him after a while.
"W-why did you just kiss me?", I stammered.
"I don't know. I'm sorry", he said quickly, his face turning crimson.
I touched his cheeks and forehead.
"Liar", I smiled to forget what had just happened, "you lied to me, you're not sick".
He grinned. I grabbed one of my pillows and hit him mischievously.
"You made me believe that you were sick", I chastised him.
"I'm sorry Angel, but it was the only way to get you to stay from school".
"Oh, you had me worried!", I said. He shifted his eyes guiltily to the floor. "Even though you did something tricky, I love you for your cleverness. I just hope that Tom doesn't tell Momma".
"Tom?", he asked.
I sighed, "Right now Christian, I don't know if I want to recognize him as my father".
He embraced me again, knowing I needed the comfort. Christian's usual steady breathing, grew rapidly. I could hear Tom's snoring through the walls.
"He's sleeping", Christian said stating the obvious, "I wish he'd stay asleep for the rest of our lives. I don't know what Momma saw in him, he's the devil himself. I'm going to get something to eat, do you want anything?"
I shook my head. Christian unlocked the door leaving to the kitchen. I lay down on his bed, thinking about how and why he had kissed me. Was it possible that he felt something more than brotherly love? Did Tom know about it all long? After several minutes Christian came back with several sandwiches and beverages.
"You may think that you're not hungry, but the growling come from your stomach tells me otherwise", he said laughing, "one piece of toast is not enough for breakfast".
I smiled.
"That a girl. You look better with a smile one your face", he said giving me a sandwich.
I ate little of my sandwich. Christian, who always had a big appetite, ate like a maniac. When I finished forcing down the little bit of sandwich, I lay myself down on Christian's bed. He looked at me, tears started dwelling in my eyes. Before the explode out of my eyelids, he grabbed my hand and sat me up.
"Angel, please, I can't tolerate to look at you like this. Come with me and take a walk. Come on Angel, I don't want you to cry anymore", he pleaded with both his voice and his eyes.
I wasn't being fair, I thought. Why should Christian have to suffer because of my insolent behavior? I got up slowly and nodded.
Outside we walked hand in hand. I felt so safe with Christian. We headed toward the park, which is was where Christian usually walked to blow off steam. If I walked by myself around the park, I'd probably get harassed by a team of guys, but with Christian at my side they wouldn't do anything. Christian had grown so much when he started puberty, his shoulders were broad. He had started working out, so his muscles were starting to show. We walked until we reached a bench that faced a fountain that was filled with garbage and didn't work.
"Tell me what you're thinking about Angel", Christian said.
I took a while to respond, but when I did I spilled everything on my mind. "I'm thinking why would my real mother want to get rid of me? What had happened to her so that she could just abandon me? Was I really that bad? Was she young and rebellious? Or did she simply not want me? I'm thinking about Momma too. Do I have to think of her as a different person? I don't want to, I love her too much
"Should I seek for my real parents? If I did, would they accept me? Did they regret giving me away? Are they looking for me? Do they even love me anymore?", I concluded sadly.
Christian squeezed my hand tighter and responded, " I'm sure they love you. They don't know what they lost when they gave you away, but I'm sure they're looking for you at this very moment. Who knows? But I do know this, Momma loves you very much and I know you love her just as much. I don't think we should hurt Momma by telling Momma that we know because it'll break her in two and maybe you should look at some thing differently.
I didn't know what he meant by that, but I would find out later.
"Oh Christian what kind of mother would do that? I would never abandon my children, no matter what. When I have children I'm going to love them to death, and I will never let them go", I sighed.
"I know that Angel, you care for everyone too much. You'll have your kids, and you and I will love them so much they'll feel fortunate to have a mother you and an uncle like me", he said while his eyes brightened.
I smiled. "We better get back home".
We walked hand in hand back home. When we got back from the park Christian fell asleep. I closed the door so that Christian wouldn't hear that much noise from the outside. I went into the bathroom and put on my white leotards. In the living room, we had a small record player which I used to put on music to dance. I loved dancing, it was the only thing that brought me to peace. Whenever I had a problem I would dance them away, or at least I tried to. I went into the living room and put on an old record that I always danced to. The songs were slow enough to dance to.
Whenever I danced, I always forgot everything around me, I didn't hear anything, or see anything. At times I would dance for hours and I wouldn't even notice. This was one of the times I wanted to dance for hours. I put the music on low, and started dancing. I choreographed the steps and would go into a hypnotized stage preparing for the beginning.
This time I danced so intense. I didn't know what was going on. I got rid of everything that was troubling me. It was so easy for me to think of a wonderful world where I danced on stage with my husband. We would dance together, and everyone would pay to see us. In the end of my fantasy, everyone chanted my name.
"Angel", I heard, "Angel. Angel"
I stopped, opening my eyes, looking around.
"Angel, wow, ", Christian said, "you danced magnificently."
"Christian... I didn't realize you were there. Goodness... you should tell me... when your there", I said gasping my words.
I reached for a towel I placed next to where he was sitting. He grabbed my hand.
"It's better to see you when you don't realize you have an audience. You were outstanding, you deserve better than this. You should be on stages worldwide instead of dancing in the living room."
"Thank you Christian", I said wiping the sweat off my face, and kissing his cheek, "Your a wonderful brother. Thank you for supporting me."
I was sweating so much that my white leotards stuck to me like glue. Christian lowered his gaze to my breasts, stomach, and my legs. His eyes looked as if he desired what he saw. I slowly wrapped the towel back on so he wouldn't know that I had seen him look at me with such yearning.
"Christian, what time is it? You know how I am, when I dance I can't remember anything, I imagine things", I said,
"It's eleven thirty", he said
"Eleven thirty! I have been dancing for two hours? Goodness, these problems must've been driving me crazy." I said. Two hours was the most that I had dance for. "I should shower, I feel clammy and filthy".
"You may feel that way, but you don't look it. Your cheeks are really red, and it looks as if you have make up on, making your face light up and look sexy".
"Thank you Christian, I think".
Christian had been giving me a lot of compliments the whole day. I went into the bathroom, took off my leotards, and went into the shower. The cold water felt so invigorating when they fell against my hot, sticky body. After taking a long shower, I got out, went into my room, and dressed quickly. I went into the living room again, and sat down to watch television. Christian sat down next to me.
"You know you danced a lot today. There must've been a lot on your mind."
"I dance to get rid of the thoughts of the mind. I imagine myself as a famous dancer with a magnificent husband who supports me and my career and a daughter that I'll love. We'll live in a world where nothing dreadful can happen to us. I know I'm too young to think of my soul mate, but I really want to be in that place Christian."
He nodded. I placed my on his shoulder. He put his arm embraced, his sweet, warm breath felt good against my forehead. He kissed my forehead, and said, "You'll have everyone of those things Angel, I promise you that. I don't know how yet, but it'll happen, and then you'll be the happiest person in the world".
The words he spoke were so warmhearted, I actually felt as if I were in my dream. I felt so comfortable and secure in Christian's arm, that I actually dozed off. I felt someone kiss my forehead and lips ever so delicately that I wasn't sure if I had dreamt those two kisses.
I awoke to the sound of the telephone ringing. For a second I had forgotten that I was in the living room, and that I had fallen asleep. Christian was nowhere to be seen. I got up slowly, shaking my head to wake up. I got the receiver and in a sleepy voice said hello.
"Hello", I heard from the other side.
"Jessica?", I asked unfocusedly.
"Angela? Oh my god, where were you today? I was going crazy looking for you! Tell me what happened between you and Jacob. Did he ask you to the dance? What did you say? Did you say yes? Oh my god!, you are driving me nuts!", she said shooting each question after another.
I had to laugh at her energy.
"Well, he took me for a ride in his car, and headed to his house. On the way he asked me to the dance, and I said yes".
"You went to his house? What did you do? Did anything happen?"
"Nothing, we drank cokes, watched TV, and that's it"
"You're hiding something from me, aren't you?", she said accusingly.
How well she knew me, "Well we did kiss", I said suddenly feeling my cheeks getting hot.
"You did? Oh my god, you just managed to catch the cutest guy in the school, and I bet you now, he's hooked", she said laughing at her joke.
She made me laugh. Christian suddenly appeared from behind the wall. He crept so silently. I wondered if he had been listening. He looked so serious and angry now. I don't know why, but I, too, got serious.
"Ugh, Jessica, did we have any math homework", I said changing the subject.
"Sure, sure...", she kept talking.
"Thank, I'll see you tomorrow Jessica, 'Bye", I said. I hung up the phone right after she said her goodbye.
"Christian", I said standing in front of him, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing", he said in a bad-tempered voice.
"Christian, look at me, and tell me nothing is wrong"
He couldn't look at me. He avoided my eyes and said, "Nothing is wrong with me!"
"Your lying to me Christian", I said grabbing his hand, "please Christian, tell me what's the matter with you"
"Nothing! Leave me alone, I'm going out", he said as he stormed off.
I sat down, infuriated at Christian for not telling me what was wrong. Christian and I had a close relationship for a brother and sister, we confided in each other, trusted each other, and loved each other. I was totally dedicated to him. Why couldn't he trust me now? What was going through his mind as he walked? Instead of sitting, frustrated, I got up and started on dinner. While I was peeling potatoes the phone rang. I answered quickly.
"Hello"
"Angel baby, It's Momma. Angel baby, I'm afraid I got some bad news, I'm in the hospital"
"What? Why?", I asked with concern in my voice.
"You Aunt Clarissa's getting worse, and it got to the point where I had to take her to the emergency room. I'll be home as soon as you Aunt gets better. I love you Angel", Momma said on the other side of the telephone.
"I love you too Momma", I said hanging up the phone, returning to cooking.
After I finished cooking, I prepared dinner for myself, since Christian still hadn't returned from his walk. I left his meal in the oven so that I could warm it up easily. I sat down, by myself, on the small table in the kitchen. Just as I started eating, I heard the door open and close, telling me that Christian had returned from his walk.
"I'm glad your back", I said getting up to get his dinner out of the oven.
The look on his face stopped me. He had a serious, powerful look on his face. He signaled me to sit down.
"Angel, I need to tell you something", he began in a intense voice. He took my hands into his. "I've been arguing with myself whether I should tell you this or not, but I got to get this off my chest or it'll drive me to the brink of insanity. Angie, when you told me that Tom had told you that you were adopted I felt a great surge of relief come over me. I didn't have to worry about my feelings anymore." I felt a great deal of bewilderment, and confusion. Why was he relieved? I was about to ask him that, when he interrupted me. "See Angel, for two years I have loved you in the way that a brother shouldn't love his sister. For a long time, I've loved you the way a man loves a woman. I've had these feelings since you were thirteen and I was fourteen.
"Just being with you in the same room made my blood get hot, and my heart thump. You can't imagine what it's like having to share a room with you and having the thoughts about you. I tried to stop the feelings from growing, but they just wouldn't stop. I felt so awful because I thought it was wicked. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, but who could I tell? If I told anyone, I'm pretty sure they would have thought me a freak.
"I think Tom knew about it. Even if he was a drunk, he still saw the way I looked at you, the way I acted towards you, and how my face got. I was pretty sure you had seen it. I tried to think of other girls, but only you came to mind when I saw them. I kept telling myself to forget about it was immoral, sinful, and dirty. But when you told me that you were adopted, I was happy because I would be able to love you without feeling shame or guilt", he concluded.
I was left feeling completely stunned. Never in a million years had I expected this. How could this happen? "I hope you don't hate me because of the way I feel towards you", he said trying to take away some of the awkward silence.
"I don't hate you", I said in a voice barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat and asked, "Is that why you've been going for more walks?"
"Yes, it is Angel, I just hope that maybe you can look at me in a different way. Maybe you can forget that I'm your brother and look at me as another guy", he said with hope in his voice.
"I... well... I don't know if I could do that. I will have some adjusting to do, but it will take time for all of this to sink in", I said in a low voice that sounded like a mumble.
He nodded. He let go of my hands and said, "Just give it a try". He left to the living room, leaving me stunned in the kitchen, thinking about all that he had just said. Could I do what he wanted me to do? Could I possibly see him as another guy in the world and not as my brother?
All of the information that I had received left me feeling lightheaded. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, headed toward my room, to sleep, and to think.
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In the darkness of the night, I lay down on my bed and thought about Jacob and the things he had done. The way he kissed me, so long and passionately. Just the thought about what happened brought a warm feeling to my heart and breasts.
"Angela?"
"Yeah, Chris?", I said getting up on my elbow to see his face.
"Did Jacob do anything to you?", he asked.
"No, not at all. He was nice and a gentleman", I said.
"Okay, that's good to know"
"Why do you ask, Christian?", I asked confused.
"Well because your my girl, I got to watch out for you", he said relaxing a bit.
"What?"
"Your my sister, I have to watch out for you", he said correcting what he had said.
"Everything went okay", I reassured him, "you better go to sleep or you'll be sleepy in the morning."
That night I dreamt of Jacob's kisses. He was kissing on the couch, over and over again, but when he lifted his face, Christian's face appeared looking at me with a longing face. I woke up suddenly; I was sweaty all over. I looked over at the clock which said it was five thirty. I might as well just get up because I'd be doing it in fifteen minutes, I thought. I got up from my bed and got some clothes out. Before I left to take a shower, I shut off the alarm so that it wouldn't wake up Christian.
After taking a quick shower, I had extra time to do something with my hair. I put it up and put a blue ribbon on to match my shirt. After I got dressed, I went into my room to wake up Christian. Much to my surprise, he was already awake. In fact, he was sitting in bed looking at a picture.
"Christian?", I called to him.
He didn't seem to hear me because he kept looking at the picture. I walked over to him and sat down next to him. In his hand was a picture of me.
"Christian, what are you doing with this picture? Did you take this picture? When did you take it?", I asked taking it away from his hand.
"I was just thinking about how much you've grown, that's all. You've become such a beautiful young woman", he spilled out without realizing what he had said.
Then as if waking up from a dream, he got up and went to shower. In the picture I was in the living room dancing in a leotard, a loose shirt, and socks. This picture couldn't be more than two months old, I had remembered dancing like this when I thought Christian was sleeping. How peculiar, I thought, I had never once seen the picture he had held in his hand. I put the picture under his pillow and went to have breakfast to get my mind off the picture.
After breakfast, I went into my room and found Christian lying down on his bed.
"Christian, why are you just lying there?"
He garbled something that I couldn't comprehend
"Christian, are you feeling well?", I said walking over to him. I touched his cheek and forehead and his temperature was normal.
"Christian, are you feeling well", I repeated.
He didn't respond. He just clutched his stomach tightly and shivered. How could he have gotten ill so fast? He hadn't eaten anything at all?
"Goodness, Christian, what made you get sick? Oh dear, I can't let you go to school like this. What if you get worse? What if you throw up on someone? Daddy's not home to take care of you, not that you would let him, and Momma's still at the hospital. I'm going to have to stay home and take care of you myself", I said with a sigh.
I stepped out of the room to search for some type of remedy for Christian. It may a small stomach ache, but it was rare that Christian felt under the weather. I went into to look for some Peptil Bismol. I heard the door, then being slammed. I didn't need to see who it was to know who it was. Daddy had just come home, and it sounded like he was drunk, the way he kept bumping into things it seemed as if a bull was in a china shop.
"What are you doing here girl?", I heard he said looking at me from the small entrance of the bathroom.
I turned around and looked at Daddy. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess, and he reeked from the cheap beer coming from his mouth and clothes.
"Christian is sick, and since Momma is at the hospital taking care of Georgie for Aunt Clarissa, I had to stay home to take care of him, Daddy", I explained while trying to not grimace from the awful smell.
"Hell, you take care of that boy as if he were really your blood relative. You'll make some guy one helluva good wife someday. Just hope it's not that boy of mine", he said in a slurry voice.
"What are you talking about Daddy? I can't possibly marry Christian, he's my brother", I replied imperceptibly.
"No he ain't. Ain't none of us related to you", he said.
"Yes you are, all of you are. Your my Daddy, Momma's my mother, and Christian's my brother", I said trying to disagree with what he was saying.
"Not biologically girl, you're adopted, not even adopted, more like given away. Take a look at that mirror. Do you see any of us that has blonde hair? Do you see any of us with green eyes? Your "Momma", as you call her, couldn't have any kids after that boy of mine was born. Wanted me a girl, and your parents wanted to get rid of you, so I took you in, and made you my child", he said, too drunk to notice that he was slowly ripping my heart to pieces, and making my eyes tear.
I glanced at the mirror quickly to see my reflection as if I were looking at it for the first time ever.
"You're obviously drunk Daddy. You don't know what your saying", I said making up an excuse for the things he said. Tears were burning the back of my eyelids, but I wouldn't cry in front of him.
"Why don't you ask your "Momma"?", he said laughing. I had to get away from his awful words. I pushed him aside from the entrance, went to the room, and locked myself in it. Christian lay on the bed with his eyes open.
"Why are you crying, Angel?", he asked, sitting up immediately.
I hadn't realized that the tears had already escaped my eyes. I wiped away the tears quickly.
"Oh, I'm not crying; I just got something in my eyes", I lied.
"I know you're lying so you better tell me what happened", he said firmly.
I sat down on my bed. I never had a teddy bear on my bed to hug, so I just embraced myself for protection.
I sighed, "Well, Daddy came home, drunk as usual-"
"Did he do something to you?", he asked getting up quickly and heading for the door.
"No, no", I said getting him by the arm, "he told me something that I'm not sure is true."
"What did he tell you?", he asked anxiously.
"He told me I wasn't part of this family. That I'm not related to any of you. He says that I'm not blood related to you. I don't know whether to believe this or not. He said to look in the mirror because none of you had blonde hair and green eyes like I did. Then he said I should ask Momma, but I don't know if I want to know", I said spilling some more tears.
Christian sat down next to me, putting his arm around me, comforting me. I clung to him as if I were drowning, and he was the only one who could rescue me. He kissed my forehead and wiped away my tears.
"I'm sorry Christian", I said.
"For what?"
"For crying so much. I mean, I've dealt with bigger stuff than this, and I was able to control my emotions like", I said crying again.
He cupped my chin and kissed my tears away. Then, ever so slowly, he placed his passionate lips on mine. I was so confused that he was kissing me, but I welcomed it for a while. I backed away from him after a while.
"W-why did you just kiss me?", I stammered.
"I don't know. I'm sorry", he said quickly, his face turning crimson.
I touched his cheeks and forehead.
"Liar", I smiled to forget what had just happened, "you lied to me, you're not sick".
He grinned. I grabbed one of my pillows and hit him mischievously.
"You made me believe that you were sick", I chastised him.
"I'm sorry Angel, but it was the only way to get you to stay from school".
"Oh, you had me worried!", I said. He shifted his eyes guiltily to the floor. "Even though you did something tricky, I love you for your cleverness. I just hope that Tom doesn't tell Momma".
"Tom?", he asked.
I sighed, "Right now Christian, I don't know if I want to recognize him as my father".
He embraced me again, knowing I needed the comfort. Christian's usual steady breathing, grew rapidly. I could hear Tom's snoring through the walls.
"He's sleeping", Christian said stating the obvious, "I wish he'd stay asleep for the rest of our lives. I don't know what Momma saw in him, he's the devil himself. I'm going to get something to eat, do you want anything?"
I shook my head. Christian unlocked the door leaving to the kitchen. I lay down on his bed, thinking about how and why he had kissed me. Was it possible that he felt something more than brotherly love? Did Tom know about it all long? After several minutes Christian came back with several sandwiches and beverages.
"You may think that you're not hungry, but the growling come from your stomach tells me otherwise", he said laughing, "one piece of toast is not enough for breakfast".
I smiled.
"That a girl. You look better with a smile one your face", he said giving me a sandwich.
I ate little of my sandwich. Christian, who always had a big appetite, ate like a maniac. When I finished forcing down the little bit of sandwich, I lay myself down on Christian's bed. He looked at me, tears started dwelling in my eyes. Before the explode out of my eyelids, he grabbed my hand and sat me up.
"Angel, please, I can't tolerate to look at you like this. Come with me and take a walk. Come on Angel, I don't want you to cry anymore", he pleaded with both his voice and his eyes.
I wasn't being fair, I thought. Why should Christian have to suffer because of my insolent behavior? I got up slowly and nodded.
Outside we walked hand in hand. I felt so safe with Christian. We headed toward the park, which is was where Christian usually walked to blow off steam. If I walked by myself around the park, I'd probably get harassed by a team of guys, but with Christian at my side they wouldn't do anything. Christian had grown so much when he started puberty, his shoulders were broad. He had started working out, so his muscles were starting to show. We walked until we reached a bench that faced a fountain that was filled with garbage and didn't work.
"Tell me what you're thinking about Angel", Christian said.
I took a while to respond, but when I did I spilled everything on my mind. "I'm thinking why would my real mother want to get rid of me? What had happened to her so that she could just abandon me? Was I really that bad? Was she young and rebellious? Or did she simply not want me? I'm thinking about Momma too. Do I have to think of her as a different person? I don't want to, I love her too much
"Should I seek for my real parents? If I did, would they accept me? Did they regret giving me away? Are they looking for me? Do they even love me anymore?", I concluded sadly.
Christian squeezed my hand tighter and responded, " I'm sure they love you. They don't know what they lost when they gave you away, but I'm sure they're looking for you at this very moment. Who knows? But I do know this, Momma loves you very much and I know you love her just as much. I don't think we should hurt Momma by telling Momma that we know because it'll break her in two and maybe you should look at some thing differently.
I didn't know what he meant by that, but I would find out later.
"Oh Christian what kind of mother would do that? I would never abandon my children, no matter what. When I have children I'm going to love them to death, and I will never let them go", I sighed.
"I know that Angel, you care for everyone too much. You'll have your kids, and you and I will love them so much they'll feel fortunate to have a mother you and an uncle like me", he said while his eyes brightened.
I smiled. "We better get back home".
We walked hand in hand back home. When we got back from the park Christian fell asleep. I closed the door so that Christian wouldn't hear that much noise from the outside. I went into the bathroom and put on my white leotards. In the living room, we had a small record player which I used to put on music to dance. I loved dancing, it was the only thing that brought me to peace. Whenever I had a problem I would dance them away, or at least I tried to. I went into the living room and put on an old record that I always danced to. The songs were slow enough to dance to.
Whenever I danced, I always forgot everything around me, I didn't hear anything, or see anything. At times I would dance for hours and I wouldn't even notice. This was one of the times I wanted to dance for hours. I put the music on low, and started dancing. I choreographed the steps and would go into a hypnotized stage preparing for the beginning.
This time I danced so intense. I didn't know what was going on. I got rid of everything that was troubling me. It was so easy for me to think of a wonderful world where I danced on stage with my husband. We would dance together, and everyone would pay to see us. In the end of my fantasy, everyone chanted my name.
"Angel", I heard, "Angel. Angel"
I stopped, opening my eyes, looking around.
"Angel, wow, ", Christian said, "you danced magnificently."
"Christian... I didn't realize you were there. Goodness... you should tell me... when your there", I said gasping my words.
I reached for a towel I placed next to where he was sitting. He grabbed my hand.
"It's better to see you when you don't realize you have an audience. You were outstanding, you deserve better than this. You should be on stages worldwide instead of dancing in the living room."
"Thank you Christian", I said wiping the sweat off my face, and kissing his cheek, "Your a wonderful brother. Thank you for supporting me."
I was sweating so much that my white leotards stuck to me like glue. Christian lowered his gaze to my breasts, stomach, and my legs. His eyes looked as if he desired what he saw. I slowly wrapped the towel back on so he wouldn't know that I had seen him look at me with such yearning.
"Christian, what time is it? You know how I am, when I dance I can't remember anything, I imagine things", I said,
"It's eleven thirty", he said
"Eleven thirty! I have been dancing for two hours? Goodness, these problems must've been driving me crazy." I said. Two hours was the most that I had dance for. "I should shower, I feel clammy and filthy".
"You may feel that way, but you don't look it. Your cheeks are really red, and it looks as if you have make up on, making your face light up and look sexy".
"Thank you Christian, I think".
Christian had been giving me a lot of compliments the whole day. I went into the bathroom, took off my leotards, and went into the shower. The cold water felt so invigorating when they fell against my hot, sticky body. After taking a long shower, I got out, went into my room, and dressed quickly. I went into the living room again, and sat down to watch television. Christian sat down next to me.
"You know you danced a lot today. There must've been a lot on your mind."
"I dance to get rid of the thoughts of the mind. I imagine myself as a famous dancer with a magnificent husband who supports me and my career and a daughter that I'll love. We'll live in a world where nothing dreadful can happen to us. I know I'm too young to think of my soul mate, but I really want to be in that place Christian."
He nodded. I placed my on his shoulder. He put his arm embraced, his sweet, warm breath felt good against my forehead. He kissed my forehead, and said, "You'll have everyone of those things Angel, I promise you that. I don't know how yet, but it'll happen, and then you'll be the happiest person in the world".
The words he spoke were so warmhearted, I actually felt as if I were in my dream. I felt so comfortable and secure in Christian's arm, that I actually dozed off. I felt someone kiss my forehead and lips ever so delicately that I wasn't sure if I had dreamt those two kisses.
I awoke to the sound of the telephone ringing. For a second I had forgotten that I was in the living room, and that I had fallen asleep. Christian was nowhere to be seen. I got up slowly, shaking my head to wake up. I got the receiver and in a sleepy voice said hello.
"Hello", I heard from the other side.
"Jessica?", I asked unfocusedly.
"Angela? Oh my god, where were you today? I was going crazy looking for you! Tell me what happened between you and Jacob. Did he ask you to the dance? What did you say? Did you say yes? Oh my god!, you are driving me nuts!", she said shooting each question after another.
I had to laugh at her energy.
"Well, he took me for a ride in his car, and headed to his house. On the way he asked me to the dance, and I said yes".
"You went to his house? What did you do? Did anything happen?"
"Nothing, we drank cokes, watched TV, and that's it"
"You're hiding something from me, aren't you?", she said accusingly.
How well she knew me, "Well we did kiss", I said suddenly feeling my cheeks getting hot.
"You did? Oh my god, you just managed to catch the cutest guy in the school, and I bet you now, he's hooked", she said laughing at her joke.
She made me laugh. Christian suddenly appeared from behind the wall. He crept so silently. I wondered if he had been listening. He looked so serious and angry now. I don't know why, but I, too, got serious.
"Ugh, Jessica, did we have any math homework", I said changing the subject.
"Sure, sure...", she kept talking.
"Thank, I'll see you tomorrow Jessica, 'Bye", I said. I hung up the phone right after she said her goodbye.
"Christian", I said standing in front of him, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing", he said in a bad-tempered voice.
"Christian, look at me, and tell me nothing is wrong"
He couldn't look at me. He avoided my eyes and said, "Nothing is wrong with me!"
"Your lying to me Christian", I said grabbing his hand, "please Christian, tell me what's the matter with you"
"Nothing! Leave me alone, I'm going out", he said as he stormed off.
I sat down, infuriated at Christian for not telling me what was wrong. Christian and I had a close relationship for a brother and sister, we confided in each other, trusted each other, and loved each other. I was totally dedicated to him. Why couldn't he trust me now? What was going through his mind as he walked? Instead of sitting, frustrated, I got up and started on dinner. While I was peeling potatoes the phone rang. I answered quickly.
"Hello"
"Angel baby, It's Momma. Angel baby, I'm afraid I got some bad news, I'm in the hospital"
"What? Why?", I asked with concern in my voice.
"You Aunt Clarissa's getting worse, and it got to the point where I had to take her to the emergency room. I'll be home as soon as you Aunt gets better. I love you Angel", Momma said on the other side of the telephone.
"I love you too Momma", I said hanging up the phone, returning to cooking.
After I finished cooking, I prepared dinner for myself, since Christian still hadn't returned from his walk. I left his meal in the oven so that I could warm it up easily. I sat down, by myself, on the small table in the kitchen. Just as I started eating, I heard the door open and close, telling me that Christian had returned from his walk.
"I'm glad your back", I said getting up to get his dinner out of the oven.
The look on his face stopped me. He had a serious, powerful look on his face. He signaled me to sit down.
"Angel, I need to tell you something", he began in a intense voice. He took my hands into his. "I've been arguing with myself whether I should tell you this or not, but I got to get this off my chest or it'll drive me to the brink of insanity. Angie, when you told me that Tom had told you that you were adopted I felt a great surge of relief come over me. I didn't have to worry about my feelings anymore." I felt a great deal of bewilderment, and confusion. Why was he relieved? I was about to ask him that, when he interrupted me. "See Angel, for two years I have loved you in the way that a brother shouldn't love his sister. For a long time, I've loved you the way a man loves a woman. I've had these feelings since you were thirteen and I was fourteen.
"Just being with you in the same room made my blood get hot, and my heart thump. You can't imagine what it's like having to share a room with you and having the thoughts about you. I tried to stop the feelings from growing, but they just wouldn't stop. I felt so awful because I thought it was wicked. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, but who could I tell? If I told anyone, I'm pretty sure they would have thought me a freak.
"I think Tom knew about it. Even if he was a drunk, he still saw the way I looked at you, the way I acted towards you, and how my face got. I was pretty sure you had seen it. I tried to think of other girls, but only you came to mind when I saw them. I kept telling myself to forget about it was immoral, sinful, and dirty. But when you told me that you were adopted, I was happy because I would be able to love you without feeling shame or guilt", he concluded.
I was left feeling completely stunned. Never in a million years had I expected this. How could this happen? "I hope you don't hate me because of the way I feel towards you", he said trying to take away some of the awkward silence.
"I don't hate you", I said in a voice barely above a whisper. I cleared my throat and asked, "Is that why you've been going for more walks?"
"Yes, it is Angel, I just hope that maybe you can look at me in a different way. Maybe you can forget that I'm your brother and look at me as another guy", he said with hope in his voice.
"I... well... I don't know if I could do that. I will have some adjusting to do, but it will take time for all of this to sink in", I said in a low voice that sounded like a mumble.
He nodded. He let go of my hands and said, "Just give it a try". He left to the living room, leaving me stunned in the kitchen, thinking about all that he had just said. Could I do what he wanted me to do? Could I possibly see him as another guy in the world and not as my brother?
All of the information that I had received left me feeling lightheaded. I left everything as it was in the kitchen, headed toward my room, to sleep, and to think.